The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land

By Eline

Warnings: Very, very bad fanfic continues. Much hentai references. And Eline *likes* kicking the mickey out of herself and her thing for yaoi.

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Somewhere else . . .

A bicycle was being slowly pushed over some rocky terrain. The person pushing it was sweating and cursing under his breath.

"This job . . . gets worse every day . . ."

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Back to our scheduled harassment of the Saiyuki boys . . . who are stuck up the proverbial creek in the capital of Onnaland without a paddle (unless you counted the one Hakkai carried around that no one was supposed to know about). But all was not lost . . .

"Hakkai," Gojyo said flatly, "I always knew you had a twisted streak in you, but I never thought it was *this* twisted."

"Shhhh--keep walking," Hakkai said cheerfully (as usual).

"I'm *trying* to. This bloody skirt won't let me! And how come I have to wear the heels? I'm taller than either of you!"

"You've got the legs for it," Hakkai said with the blithe assurance that only someone wearing sensible flats could have. In fact, he looked like a female version of his former school-teacher-like-self. Gojyo merely looked like a slut. (Okay, so he was a slut, but due to stereotypical gender categorisations, a woman dressed like Gojyo was at that moment would be called a slut, but Gojyo in his usual clothes would not.)

As for Goku . . . Well, let's not talk about Goku because that would involve a lot of neon-print spandex with matching sneakers and we cannot afford any more blood-loss today.

"Hakkai, they're looking at us in a suspicious way . . ."

"Keep walking," Hakkai said, smiling to himself.

"What if they suspect us or something?" Gojyo wasn't too sure about this disguise at all. In fact, Gojyo was never too confident whenever Hakkai suggested disguises that involved cross-dressing. And he did that so often too . . .

"Just a bit more--we'll find an empty street soon."

"I hope so--I've got a run in my stockings."

Hakkai had noticed that, of course. He had been walking just a little ways behind Gojyo--and noticing a lot of things, naturally.

"Ne, Hakkai--I think some of those women are heading this way," Goku said nervously.

"Ah . . . Very well then, a change in plans--now we run for it, but very casually . . ." And they quickstepped it around the corner as fast as their stocking-clad feet could take them.

"Stupid heels," Gojyo muttered as they scuttled into a quiet lane. He propped himself against an empty doorway and started to pry at the bright red high-heels. "I've got blisters, I know it . . . Hang on, I gotta get these damn shoes off--"

"Do keep them--we may have to return them later," Hakkai said. He had liked those red pumps--on Gojyo, of course.

"Anything to get out of these--yargggggghhh!" The reason for Gojyo's sudden departure from coherency was the sudden opening of the door he was leaning against.

The young woman who had opened it looked down quizzically at the body sprawled at her feet. Gojyo stared back--or rather, he was staring up the hem of her white skirt from his convenient position on the floor. "Good morning--I'm Nurse Hannah. Can I help you--oh, you must be the guys everyone's so worked up about--"

"Hai, hai, we can about that talk later," Hakkai said as he seized the chance and shoved himself and Goku through the door--over Gojyo--and shut it behind them. He had planted one sensible brown flat-heeled shoe rather near Gojyo's family jewels in the process--whether by accident or not, we would never know. "Sumimasen, but we may have to hole up here for a while," he said apologetically to the woman. "I hope you're not going to scream or yell as it would be extremely stupid in this situation."

The nurse looked at his smiling visage and wisely followed her woman's intuition--which was giving off an alarm klaxon at the moment. "Perish the thought," she muttered even as the sound of a lot of assorted pumps, trainers and strappy platform sandals thundered by outside.

"That was close . . . Geez, news spreads fast," Gojyo said after they were certain that there was no crazed women stampeding outside.

"That's the thing about rumours . . . they spread faster than thought around here," said Nurse Hannah. "Wanna sit down instead of crowding up the hallway and looking like a bunch of hunted rabbits?"

Gojyo lit up a cigarette with shaky hands. "So what *would* they do if they caught us?"

"Ummm . . . make you sing Waterloo?" said the nurse as they walked into something that looked like the kind of waiting area one found in clinics.

"Oh Kami . . . a fate worse than death." Gojyo plopped down on the PVC-covered couch and kicked off the pumps. "And we had to put up with these weird disguises . . ."

"You didn't actually think you could've got away with those disguises, did you?

"Er, how could you tell?"

"Hey, *those* heels with *that* skirt?" She shook her head. "Even cross-dressers would be offended."

"Oh really?" Gojyo glared at Hakkai, who had the grace to look slightly embarrassed.

"Well, it was the only workable plan at the moment . . . And we may need another one to get Sanzo out soon," Hakkai said worriedly. "Or else things would get rather unpleasant when we do actually rescue him . . ."

"He'd probably cuss us out," Gojyo said.

"Beat us with his fan . . ." Goku put in.

"And then he'd shoot us." Hakkai shook his head slowly. "Dear, dear . . ."

"Oh? The one in the Palace is your friend? The Empress has been waiting for a consort for some time now. I think she's ready to marry just about any male as long as it can fulfil her obligations to the throne. If you're friend is unattractive enough, he could get out of it, I suppose . . ."

They thought about Sanzo for a moment--golden hair, violet eyes, pale skin contrasting sharply against the black leather of his tight, tight shirt and--and stopped before all this mental meandering could cause the inevitable tightening of the pants. "Nah, not a chance," they said glumly. "Until he opens his mouth and curses a blue streak, maybe . . . But even *that* might not be enough to get him out of it. We're going to have to rescue him," Hakkai said. "Any longer and he may just break out, hunt us to the ends of the earth . . ."

"Cuss us out," Gojyo added.

"Beat us with his fan . . ." Goku said morosely.

"And then he'd shoot us."

"Weellll, there *may* be a way . . . I got a royal appointment for a certain health check-up today," said Nurse Hannah, holding up a card that had got to her a lot faster than the rumours on the street could. "Could sneak you in if you like . . ."

"What amazing luck . . ." Hakkai murmured. "One would think that such coincidences don't normally happen in real life . . . But I am being informed by this strange voice beside my ear that this is most assuredly *not* real life and I should go with the flow. So I am supposed to give effusive thanks and trust in providence or else no n--eh, I see. Hannah-san, thank you--we are in your debt . . ."

"Well . . . There *is* something you could do . . ."

"Uh-oh--" They all tensed to sprint for it.

The nurse held out some specimen jars. "Make a donation?"

And this was when they finally looked up at the sign over the counter.

"Oh . . ." Hakkai said, deadpan. "I didn't know that a city full of women would have one, but it makes an odd kind of sense . . . Extremely warped sense to be sure . . ."

"Ne, Hakkai? What's a Sperm Bank?" Goku asked, unintentionally causing Gojyo and Nurse Hannah to keel over. "And do they have food here?"

Sweat-dropping furiously while Gojyo banged his head against the wall in an attempt to quell his mirth, Hakkai mumbled, "Ano, Goku . . . Remember that talk about the birds and the bees? And that bit about having to wash your sheets if something happens at 4am in the morning?"

"Oh yeah . . . I remember that!"

"Well, sometimes, when people, er . . . want to make babies, they might need some help from this . . . place," Hakkai said, glaring over Goku's head at Gojyo with a look that plainly said get-me-out-of-this-now-or-else-no-sex-for-a-month-no-matter-what-this-crackpot-fanfic-author-is-planning.

"Donations are very welcome. We try to collect from all travellers before that mob gets to them," Nurse Hannah cut in hurriedly. "Will you need any magazines? We have a selection in the private room . . ."

"Erm, I don't think so . . ."

"Hey, I'm in a skirt and you're in a skirt. This is a yaoi fanfic. Do we need anymore reasons?" Gojyo asked. "No? Great! Shall we?"

"Only if I get to lead this time," said Hakkai, putting his trust in providence.

"Sure! I'm a gentlemen after all . . ."

And Gojyo and Hakkai waltzed a very short waltz into the private room and slammed the door shut behind them.

"You forgot this!"

"Oops . . . Sorry . . ." Gojyo's arm came out and took the icebox from Nurse Hannah. "See you in a bit . . ."

"Here, why don't you have a cookie . . ." the nurse suggested, getting out her tea-break cookie tin.

"Thank you!" Goku said beaming. "Ne, why aren't you with the crazy girls outside?"

"I don't swing that way. Job requirement."

"Oh--so you have a girlfriend? Like with Hakkai and Gojyo, only reversed, right?" Goku said, proving that he was not *that* oblivious yet.

"Eh . . ."

"It's not like you can't *tell* with those two," Goku continued, spraying crumbs. "They do it all the time. Sanzo says the noise keeps him up at night--that's why he's so grumpy. Ne, is it really better than food?"

"Oh, that depends, really," Nurse Hannah said, sweat-dropping slightly. She handed over the entire cookie-tin and sat down to read her 300 page Cosmopolitan Summer Special.

* * * * * * * * * *

Sanzo was having one of those days again.

The people around him were all idiots. Nothing new there. The people around him kept wanting him to do things he didn't want to do. Nothing new there. The people around him seemed to be undressing him mentally. Nothing new there either. He was also suffering from a reoccurring problem with his jeans that he devoutly prayed that no one noticed.

That particular problem happened in many embarrassing situations. Especially when it involved handcuffs. The fly button had a tendency to come loose when the shirt buttons did in all those Backgammon cheesecake fanservice pictures. Sanzo might as well not have a fly button at all for some of those pictures.

It was, all in all, a crappy day. But he was certainly not going to say anything about it getting worse.

That's the fanfic author's job after all.

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Non-beneficial badfic is getting longer by the day . . .