My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 3

Boiling Point

Morning arrives in the village.

In one particular household, four unusual travelers are in the process of sharing a meal together. There is nothing unusual in this; it's been the same thing every day since their journey began. But today, the atmosphere among them is somehow more subdued than usual.

Something is different. Something has changed. There's
something going on with Sanzo that he's not telling them about, and Goku seems to be affected as well. Moreover, this is something that isn't just going to go away without leaving a mark.

Gojyo senses these things almost imperceptibly, like an itch on the edge of his awareness, as he lounges back in his chair, resisting the urge to put his feet up on the table. Unfortunately, this is one itch that's still a little too delicate to attempt to scratch without the risk of causing unnecessary damage. But that won't stop him from at least trying to alleviate the discomfort somewhat, and the best way for him to do that, is to be himself.

"So, why is it that we'll be kickin' around this town for awhile? Not that I'm complaining, or anything."

Goku looks up from his plate to answer, undeterred by a mouth stuffed with food.

"Cause Sanzo's gotta meet with the lady for... OW! Sanzo! What the heck was that for?"

Goku holds his abused head in response to an imaginary pain. Of course the paper fan can't really damage someone who can smash his fist through solid rock and not feel a thing. But Goku will never, ever admit that it doesn't hurt, and, truthfully, in a way it does hurt, only the pain isn't at all physical.

"That's your punishment for talking with your mouth full, stupid monkey. Now eat quietly!"

Amused, Gojyo chuckles.

"So, Sanzo's meeting with the ladies, is he? Now this sounds interesting!"

This comment strikes a nerve with Goku. He frowns and glares at the redhead.

"No, you perverted cockroach! Do you have to go warping everything to fit in your depraved little antennae-topped mind?"

Goku is practically begging to be teased this morning, and the crimson one won't pass up the opportunity to comply.

"Who said anything about depravity, monkey? But you do seem to know a lot about Sanzo's business. Maybe... the both of you are up to something together, eh? Something I should know about? Hey, Hakkai, what do you think? It sounds to me like High Priest Genjo Sanzo's got himself a secret rendevous with a mystery woman, and Goku's tagging along."

Goku pushes his chair back from the table and stands, glaring at Gojyo in frustrated annoyance.

"Shut up, Gojyo, Sanzo's not interested in girls like that, unlike you, ya perverted water-sprite!"

By now, Gojyo's face is practically splitting in two, he's grinning so hard. However, much to Gojyo's dismay, Sanzo seems almost not to have heard him, judging by the lack of response from the normally trigger-happy monk.

"Oh, he's not? Then just what is he interested in, eh, Goku?"

For some reason, Goku feels himself growing very uncomfortable with the way this argument is headed. He opens his mouth to make a retort, and suddenly realizes that he isn't even sure why he's so mad, let alone what he wants to say. Not to mention the fact that the room is starting to feel just a bit too warm for his liking. Luckily, Hakkai comes to the rescue before Goku can spend too much time standing there with his mouth hanging open while a tinge of pink slowly creeps its way into his cheeks.

"Now, now, Gojyo, I'm sure we could all use a bit of a break after traveling hard for a week through the heat."

Gojyo allows himself one more chuckle at Sanzo's expense.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to get sunstroke now, would we. That would just be too much."

He is finally rewarded with a slight twitch from Sanzo's eyebrow, and the monk's hand, which has so far left his trusty gun untouched, begins to reconsider. However, Gojyo, momentarily satisfied, is already standing and excusing himself from the room.

"Think I'll take a walk, maybe go check out some of these ladies I've been hearing so much about, eh, Sanzo? That is, as long as you don't mind, I wouldn't want to be stepping into a certain someone's territory now, would I?"

With these oh so charming last words, and a wink in Sanzo's direction, Gojyo ambles out the door and proceeds to laugh his way down the street. When the door shuts behind the half-breed, Goku melts down into his chair in relief, while Sanzo absorbs himself by mutilating his cigarette in the process of stubbing it out. Immediately lighting up a fresh one, he addresses Hakkai casually.

"Hakkai. Why don't you and Gojyo take a holiday. If I even so much as get a glimpse of either of your faces in the next few days, dire emergency excepted, I'll give you each a new hole in the head. Understood?"

Slightly taken aback, as he still hasn't been able to figure out the cause behind Sanzo's recent behaviour, Hakkai decides to voice a mild rejection.

"Sanzo, is it wise for us to separate? I can understand if you have reasons of your own for wanting some time, but... "

"Listen, Hakkai. We haven't had any attacks or sign of pursuit since the last battle. What's more, Kougaiji himself didn't leave that scene in the best of shape. So, I say we can afford a short stop here, and some time apart. We'll stay in pairs, just in case. And if anything does comes up, you know were to find us. That's my final decision, so live with it."

"All right, Sanzo. Gojyo and I will try to arrange alternative accommodation, then."

"Don't try, do it. I won't be needing you for a few days."

If Hakkai was the type for such a display of expression, he would be raising his eyebrows and blinking in surprise. But Hakkai will be Hakkai, so he just smiles slightly and finishes off his tea in silence.

XXX

The day passes uneventfully as routine village life goes on relatively uninterrupted around its honoured guests. Hakkai and Gojyo are offered a place to stay across town, and the heat wave remains, like plastic wrap stretched tautly across the land.

Upon learning that Sanzo will be continuing to visit the
fortuneteller, Goku is delighted. Of course he tries
asking about the results of the reading, but Sanzo flatly refuses to give up any information whatsoever, and Goku figures it best not to persist with his questioning. This is important to Sanzo. He has a sense of this, and so despite being kept out of the loop, Goku is content to leave things as they are.

Besides, the thought of Sanzo and himself falling into the old routine again, the usual whining, followed by the yelling and the hitting, it just makes him feel... worn out, somehow. It's always the same, and lately, it just feels
almost... empty, in a weird way, like it has no real meaning, just an act that keeps repeating over and over again without ever coming to any kind of conclusion.

Goku can't explain these feelings to himself, and if he tries it just makes his head hurt, so he pushes them into the back of his mind and tries to pretend they're not there. It doesn't make them go away, but it helps a little, at least.

Sanzo and Goku spend the day resting in the room provided for them, each absorbed in his own thoughts, and the strange calm shared between them feels almost like a welcome relief.

After having seen the fortuneteller again this morning, Sanzo is grateful that Goku isn't bothering him too much about it.This process that he has so reluctantly gotten himself into has quickly become all-consuming. The decision to continue feels like the most important one he has ever made in his life, and he is dead-set on seeing it through to the end, no matter what may come of it.

The dreams he had had last night, after the first session, had been nearly terrifying in their significance. Fragmented and confused, like a kaleidoscope of images, it had been very difficult to grasp onto any coherency or clarity at all. It had been like trying to see through to the bottom in a pool of clear water, but not quite being able to because the surface was so distorted by ripples and reflections that no matter how hard he looked, he couldn't really see what was hidden just beneath the surface.

What he seeks seems to be so close, and yet remains still so obscure. What he has managed to claim so far, is the feeling, or rather the certainty, that he has shared a life with Goku in the distant past, and this knowledge touches upon something deep inside that he has so far denied even being capable of, until now.

Sympathy. Compassion.

He understands now, the reason for the profound connection between Goku and himself. He knows why Goku's voice was able to reach him, and why he had felt so compelled to follow.

The memories have shown him in painful form that he and Goku had been together, all that time ago. Then, for some reason, they had become separated. He had died, but Goku had not.

Instead, Goku had been sent into exile and isolation, forced to wait for a very, very long time.

For five hundred years.

Oh, gods, it hurts. It hurts so much to learn this fact now, that the pain is emotional, physical and spiritual all at once, and it's almost unendurable, as if something inside is on the verge of breaking. If it does break, it's going to break into a million tiny pieces and maybe, maybe he'll never be able to put it back together again. Maybe he won't even want to, because everything will be different and the pieces won't fit in the same places anymore.

He wants to reach out to Goku somehow, to take back those years he spent in the cave, but he doesn't even know where to begin, and... he is almost afraid. He
doesn't know if he can ever let Goku know what he now so desperately wants him to know.

'I never meant to leave you, Goku. I'm sorry.'

So Sanzo sits at the table, chain-smoking and hiding behind a newspaper he has no intention of reading, while lost in a flood of agony that threatens to burst his heart apart at the core. He must hold it back, must contain himself and remain in control in order to find out what other information he can recover. He can't let this overwhelm him now, or he won't be able to continue,
and he absolutely must continue. Now that he's come this far, the desire to know everything is too great to resist.

Goku, unaware of the emotional turmoil taking place across the room, is just sitting lazily on the bed, quietly pretending to practice his writing skills while in actuality just doodling and wasting ink. He smiles lopsidedly, thinking how Sanzo always hates it when he wastes ink. Every now and then he looks up at his silent companion, wanting to say something, but thinks better of it and
stifles the urge. He's about to put down his work, feeling bored, when a sudden stabbing thought makes him scribble ink all over his paper in a frenzy of frustration instead.

'Why can't we just talk to each other like normal people? Hakkai and Gojyo talk. Why won't Sanzo talk to me? Why won't he ever listen to me?'

He looks at the paper, and realizes with a start that he has filled the entire page with Sanzo's name, over and over again, and that he has just messed up all his efforts with his careless scribble. His face forms a pout of disapproval as he folds the page in half. A strange mixture of longing and disappointment overtake him then, and he flops backwards onto the bed with a sigh. In a moment, he gives up trying to keep quiet.

"Sanzo?"

There is a pause, and then a rustling of paper as Sanzo realizes that he's supposed to be turning pages periodically.

"What?"

"Can I... try your cigarette?"

Sanzo wasn't expecting this question, but at least the answer is an easy one.

"No."

"Come on, just one puff. Please?"

"Why?"

"I just wanna see why you like it so much, what it tastes like."

"It's a cigarette, of course it's going to taste like shit to you."

"But I wanna see for myself."

"I said no. If you really want to die of lung cancer so badly, then go get your own cigarettes."

"But I wanna share yours with you."

Sanzo isn't quite sure how to respond to this, so he keeps his mouth shut, the pain welling up inside again.

"Sanzo?"

After a moment with no response, Goku sighs again, and finds himself whispering a strange thought to himself.

"I just wanted to see what you taste like."

His eyes go wide, and he quickly checks to see whether Sanzo might have heard him. The monk remains silent behind his wall of paper.

"Sanzo?"

"What now?"

"Will you read me something from the paper?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Sanzo finds his next words falling automatically from his mouth, and it almost hurts to say them, but he can't stop himself.

"It's not worth my effort to read to a stupid monkey."

Ouch.

For some reason, to Goku, Sanzo's harsh words seem to hurt so much more now than they ever used to.

"But... I just wanna listen to your voice."

Goku winces, his mind racing with a panicked thought.

'Crap. That sounded weird, didn't it? Why did I have to go and say it out loud? Hell, Goku, while you're at it, why don't you just ask him if you can kiss him too?'

With a gasp of embarrassment, he promptly stuffs a pillow over his face.

'Oh, man, where did that thought come from? Maybe I've got
heatstroke now too, or something.'

A moment passes. To Sanzo, this moment feels more like an eternity, as he contemplates the significance of Goku's simple request. Alone for so long... Goku was outright denied that which he himself has always rejected. Comfort, companionship, love.

'I gave him freedom, and in turn he gave me... Is freedom alone enough to make up for fivehundred years? Can I ever make it up to him?'

Goku sighs again, but it comes out closer to a sob than anything else.

Ignored. Rejected. Left alone.

The silence in the room is so loud it makes Goku want to scream just to fill it.

Until...

There is another rustling of paper, and then... Sanzo clears his throat... and begins to read.

Sanzo's beautiful voice fills Goku's ears, and as it does so, it also fills the deep void that was threatening to eat him alive only a moment ago, and the golden-eyed boy feels a smile light up his face, and a warmth flood his chest.

For the first time, Sanzo has listened to him, really listened to him, and responded in kind.

'Maybe,' thinks Goku, 'Maybe I should say these weird things out loud more often.'