Inn

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Mei was flustered. Confused. And did not need it. Not now anyway. Perhaps it was just as well that she was going home. Nothing like a bit of distance to get a clearer perspective on a thorny issue. Was there a problem though or was it all in her mind. She was going round in circles with this. Gojyo and Hakkai are her two best friends and yet…maybe she wanted more. Yes but which one? She knew she really wouldn’t be able to make a choice. Making a choice would also feel like putting one over the other. And with them, that was impossible to do. They were like very different halves of a whole. It struck her that it was like the two men had known each other all their lives.

She had slipped into easiness with Gojyo, even when they had met the first time. She was not intimidated by him. And over the last two years Hakkai and she had grown on each other. He was at first just polite with her. Nothing else, a kind of guarded-ness around her. She discovered later that he was quite protective over Gojyo. It was not that he couldn’t take care of himself. But Hakkai was suspicious of anyone who professed to be Gojyo’s friend because he was too friendly; not guarded enough. Perhaps the main reason was that they were not used to having a woman around. Well not like a friend, friend. She was not some girl at the bar that Gojyo would flirt with, she sighed. She was not some student of Hakkai’s, which he could have at arms length.

Ah…she was giddy now. Well really. Sleep first. She would be home by tomorrow evening and perhaps she wouldn’t have to think about it any more beyond tomorrow. Maybe she could put it all down to raging hormones, being surrounded by handsome men could do that to a girl. So thinking she got herself ready for bed.

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“You did look like you were enjoying yourselves.”

“I know. I was…I guess I’m surprised by that.”

“Why- should you be?”

“I don’t know really. It feels like forever and a day now since I have held a woman close like that.”

“Feels good doesn’t it?”

“How ‘bout yourself?” Hakkai ignored the question as he posed one himself “Don’t you miss it? There has only been ‘us’ for so long. You still flirt and give the ladies the eye. But sometimes I don’t know how much is real and how much is for appearances sake.”

“It’s always real ’Kai. I am a flirt. I love to do it. But there’s flirting, and then there’s flirting. I only flirt with you!” Gojyo gave his Cheshire cat smile.

“You don’t with Mei. You’re different with her…almost careful. Why?”

“Maybe her father has got a gun” he joked. He did not have any real answer. He never noticed it himself either.

Gojyo was stymied. She was attractive. There was no denying that. Maybe he was so used to the momentary bliss of lust satiated company and that he had never really bothered to get to know any of his…er…consorts. He was a coward in that respect. He just could not face them the next day. Just in case. Non-attachment comes in handy sometimes. Maybe he felt he didn’t want to know that he hadn’t been worth it. This way by skipping out on them, he would not find out that the women themselves did not feel anything for him. This way nobody got hurt…or none that he knew of anyway. To go beyond those expectations just complicated life. And Gojyo was a simple man. At least he liked to think so. Perhaps it was he wanted Mei’s friendship and treasured it a lot more than to throw it away in a night of pleasure. Take his relationship with the brunette, when he had found him and he saw that smile and something in him…in the back of his mind clicked into place. Like there he was presented with a chance to do someone else a favour, never mind that the guy had so obviously given himself over to the thought of death and resigned to dying. In a funny sort of way he thought by doing so his soul would be saved from whatever sins of the past. But then he came back. Back from the dead as Gonou; briefly. Back from the dead again as Hakkai. The man that was Hakkai now saw something worth returning to and then staying. Gojyo had always argued that it would definitely have been different if it had been someone else on the ground that night, although Hakkai is half certain that Gojyo would have brought anyone else home. And there he thought Gojyo would never have had to defend himself from the man he saved.

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Meanwhile Hakkai had not thought about being with a woman for a long time. His life was with Gojyo now. He loved being with him, loved the aura of life about the man tinged with alcohol and cigarettes as it were. On their way west though sometimes he felt that he needed to remind himself what it was to feel a woman, moving under him. Their soft curves, breaths and sighs. He did indulge a few times as well. Rather more discreetly than Gojyo, and he liked to think the only person that did know was Sanzo. But he never said anything about it and as long as it did not interfere with the prime directive, the monk did not care. After all Hakkai was a sentient being with needs and urges. And Gojyo may have guessed but never said anything. 

Much later when more and more they began to turn to each other. For balance, for hope and for nurture; when the bonds of friendship began its spillover with emotions and a hankering for what fools call love. The need began to slide into those spaces, so small you wouldn’t have guessed they were there at all. When they looked at the other and saw what lived in their souls beyond the windows of their eyes and saw honesty, more like trust and the feeling that you have come home at last. And that all was right with the world. But the road to that comfort called home was as rough and pot holed ridden as any on their quest.

And a lot of it had to do with what each man thought of as his worth. You see once upon a time there was a man called Sha Gojyo. He had been told so often (ever since childhood- if you want to call it that) he was a curse, a waste of space and such abuse as had been rained down on him that he would welcome death from one he loved. That he began to almost believe it himself. But he was wrong. Because no one can explain why Gojyo would bring home a dying stray and nurse it back to health, or try to explain why he wouldn’t give up a known murderer, or help a little girl find her parents, or even definite lost causes (who liked to call himself God) fallen by the wayside when all hell is breaking loose upon their heads. But still there were bad people out there who liked to reinforce such ignoble thoughts in poor Gojyo’s mind. And Hakkai was proved wrong when he thought he would ever raise a hand against his savior, his friend.   

It happened early on when they were still finding their footing around each other. Hakkai was just new. Never mind footing around each other, Hakkai was grabbing at lifelines to keep him sane in this world. They would each separately think thoughts of conceding defeat, but neither could for any reason that either one could fathom. But there came a chance one day for Hakkai to step in and help his friend who had found himself in trouble. It had started to rain, and Hakkai had even left the house with a packed bag. But as has happened previously he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Although it was the first time that he had gone beyond the door. He reasoned that he could do so later; when he went back inside and exchanged the bag for a couple of umbrellas instead.  

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And like so often as had happened in the past, as each man lay on their respective beds alone with their thoughts; their minds cast back to that time…

They were almost home when Hakkai stopped and suddenly turned to his friend.

“Why on earth would you go off and do a damn fool thing like that for?” like he hadn’t already asked the question before.

“He’s a friend!”

“Some friend!” Hakkai fairly spat the word out. “You knew how it would turn out and you still went?”

“I guess I’m not worth much then, aren’t I?” Gojyo hissed back. 

And Hakkai saw red. Not hair, nor eyes and not even blood this time. Just the red, coal-white heat of anger suffusing him and before he could rein himself in check he had the taller man on the ground. As he straddled Gojyo, Hakkai winded him with a punch to the stomach. They grappled for a while, neither gaining the upper hand. Hakkai readied himself for another blow to the cheek. As he swung his left fist in, Gojyo intercepted him. A right hand closed over his fist and held him. There above the face with the eyes of limpid liquid red. And they locked eyes; wills. And the universe expanded into an infinite vacuum where not even breath existed. And for a few moments they saw eternity. The past and pain, the blood and rain and through the murky depths of dread and doubt and saw salvation and they clung to it with faith bearing hope. And perhaps it was then that they heard it. The steps they could take. A measured beat, a connection of sorts, and a rhythm they could dance to. One so familiar that they wondered at it and both minds hinted at memories not quite theirs, but still felt real.

“Don’t you…EVER… say you’re worthless in my presence again!” Hakkai breathed softly at Gojyo as he slowly got off him. 

And as they walked through the doorway newly fixed, even as Gojyo noticed Hakkai’s suitcase by the door, even as Gojyo picked it up and wordlessly put it by the bed which Hakkai occupied. Gojyo looked across to Hakkai. Stay. His eyes beseeched Hakkai’s very soul. With an imperceptible almost nod, Hakkai took his case and slowly, almost deliberately he began to unpack and put his things away. No more was said about the incident, then or ever.

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Gojyo feeling unsettled, kicked off his covers, pulled his jeans on and with a catlike grace left the room.

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Hakkai sat up and watched his room mate leave the room. He got off the bed walked towards the door and down the hallway and hesitated.

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Mei woke up suddenly. Stifled she got up to open the window. As her hair was still in a braid, she decided that combing it out will calm her nerves somewhat. She was almost done when there was a knock at the door.

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With some trepidation she walked to the door and slowly turned its handle. He stood there in the half light and shadows.

“Come in” she said in a voice barely a whisper.

He noticed what she had been doing. Silently he took her hand, led her back to the bed and seated her on its edge. He sat himself behind her and took her comb from her hand and began to tease it through the blue black midnight tresses.

Mei could feel her body hum with heat. A flush was creeping from her neck to her cheeks. She could feel the electricity from the static in her hair. And she needed to do something. The comb was making another journey down the length of locks, suddenly expectant she caught his hand and turned to face him. The comb slid from fingers caught. She bit her lower lip and could not bring her self to look him in the eyes. Long slender fingers held her face and gently tilted it up. And not for the first time she gasped; glittering eyes shone at her.

“Please don’t be afraid”

“I am not” she said speaking truth. She traced her right hand over his left ear and felt the cuffs, cool against very warm skin.

As she said the words, slim lips covered hers, and her body surged. Along a wave of gently cresting sea foam, her lips parted slightly to allow a tenderly exploring tongue to just brush hers. He tasted of cinnamon and aniseed. She gasped once again as he pulled her in a close embrace, his long fingers clasped in the small of her back. She tried to lean further into him and they both fell back wards into the bed with her on top. She could smell him now; musk and sandalwood. Emboldened now, she moved herself so she could nuzzle his neck and kissed it and licked it. As if it was some kind of signal he rolled them both over and this time crushed her lips in a lock both heated and skilled, and she made a small sound in the back of her throat. Through her slip and blouse, through his nightshirt; she could feel his radiating warmth.

He started to unbutton her top. Her breath hitched as his fingers brushed her skin, and he kissed her bare shoulder as he smoothed the cloth away. Gingerly he danced the flat of his palm slowly from shoulder lingering at the breasts and then letting it come to rest on her waist. He trailed a tongue from her neck to a breast; licking one as he cupped the other with his hand. She moaned softly as she arched her back a little. She felt delicate under his hands, in his arms but not fragile. She had a quiet strength…so different from Kanan. Kanan; who was porcelain delicate and fragile. But that was all the memory he allowed himself for the moment. Mei’s skin smelt of lilies and her hair of almond oil and vanilla. Her curves were firm with just the right amount of give. And as much as her body was responding to his touch, his was answering the call from hers.  

Her hair curtained them both as now it was she took his shirt off and worked her hands in downward strokes massaging taut muscle. She had strong hands for someone so small. Then she stopped, hesitated. There was a scar across his middle. Its rubberized flesh  and puckered edges like it was alive, moving with every breath. Her hand flew to her mouth a silent ‘O’. Slowly he reached out for her hand splayed the fingers open and guided them to touch it. He held them there for a moment.

“It’s just skin” he said hoarsely, “now.” Maybe he could convince himself too.

Her uncertainty gone now she continued. I am not afraid. I trust. She thought.

Caught up in the moment, from the heat of their entwined bodies and their quickened shallow breathing, the pace precipitated towards a sense of urgency. And they gripped each other, and their bodies rocked in rhythm, and the waves crashed upon the shoreline. And salt sweat sea spray slicked their bodies. As they slaked their thirst, and drowned by taking delight from the essence of the other.

Spent, they lay now side by side. Her body now calm, though her mind was still spinning seeing stars amongst the clouds. She wondered then if he had been able to tell that he was her first. But she was glad of it. That it had been with someone she trusted and could call friend. He had been gentle with her and had not hurt her. She knew though (as well as he did) that there was not love there. Not real love anyway and in spite of it she was alright with it. However suddenly slightly embarrassed, she felt she wanted to be alone.

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Somewhere outside a man had been smoking. Finished he threw the last one on the ground, joining several already there. Somewhere outside a man entered the inn, now darkened and made his way up to bed.

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“You better go back to him” her voice broke in on his thoughts.   

“Yes, I suppose” he now seemed a little unsure of himself. Thankfully there was a washroom. He used the opportunity of cleaning up to collect himself. He put on his clothes which had been discarded on the floor earlier with his back to her. She smiled at his apparent shyness. She was sat in bed still, knees up to her chin and sheets pulled up.

“Please don’t be upset about it,” she said to him as he blinked at her in surprise. “I am glad it happened but I don’t want to come between what the two of you have.”

Hakkai looked at her with new eyes. Here certainly was a woman who was strong and sure; of herself and her capabilities and she was beautiful with it. And all regret vanished (except a slight twinge of sadness- which will always be a part of him). She was right about Gojyo and himself. He had always known it, they both did. It was affirmed every day they shared.

“Now go!” she said shooing him off with a smile. “I’m fine. Promise”

“Thank you” Hakkai said as he shut the door. 

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It was not too late still so he still could get a decent night’s rest. Hoping not to wake Gojyo Hakkai was very nearly to his bed as he crept silently…

“Feels good doesn’t it?”

“I thought at first that you had gone to her,” still evading the question.

Hakkai was about to climb into bed when a rough hand grabbed his and hold it firm. A bedside lamp clicked on. Gojyo looked searchingly at Hakkai. Hakkai crossed the distance knelt by Gojyo, kissed him firmly on the lips and on the forehead.

“Hush now and go to sleep” and went back over to his bed and got in.

Reassured, and really; all was right with the world, Gojyo clicked the light off.  

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Author's note: [1] If anyone is interested, the inspiration for the fight between Gojyo and Hakkai came from:-

http://yuzu.outside.jp/trei15.html

All credit goes to the artist here. I hope i have done her work justice.