Ishin Denshin by Trismegistus

     Ishin Denshin
     by Trismegistus

     Like everything else he did, Hakkai fucked quietly, so that all Gojyou heard was the creaking of the bed and the combined rasp of their breathing. At first he had thought that Hakkai wasn't really going for it, or that he was doing something wrong, but as with everything where Hakkai was concerned, appearances could be deceiving. Gojyou was used to the theatrical moaning women learned from their boyfriends or the videos their boyfriends watched, and he could usually count on a girl to put on a performance, if only to reassure him that he was doing everything okay. But Hakkai, Hakkai fucked quietly and politely, the way he did everything else.

     Still, Gojyou had learned to recognize the signals. There was the faintly accelerated rhythm of Hakkai's breathing, the way his neck would arch back ever so slightly into the pillow, the way his hands would tighten, the one around Gojyou's neck, the other just beneath his left arm (Hakkai always put them in the same place). Those were usually pretty good indications that Hakkai was getting what he needed.

     And once you learned to recognize the signals, you could get pretty good at figuring out how Hakkai was responding to the thing on the whole. And that had been surprising too, because Gojyou had assumed that Hakkai was not the type who liked sex, certainly not as much as Gojyou liked it himself. But as he looked at Hakkai, at his face, somehow both relaxed and flooded with anticipation, at the flush creeping across his chest and darkening on his cheeks, well, if you knew anything about Hakkai, you knew that he really, really liked this.

     Gojyou twisted one hand into the down of the pillow beside Hakkai's head and moved his tongue along his lips, tried to ignore the ache in his arms, the trickle of sweat down his back, the way it matted his hair across his shoulders. Hakkai's breathing was harsher now, his mouth open, teeth a stark white against the dark of his lips. Gojyou shifted slightly, pressing more firmly against Hakkai's thighs, and then Hakkai's neck bent, his eyes flew open, pupils dilating violently. He drew one endless, gasping breath, his entire body tensing beneath Gojyou's own, then relaxed into the pillows.

     Gojyou shut his eyes, trying for a few moments to steady his own breathing before lowering himself carefully onto the mattress beside his friend. Hakkai shifted slightly so that their bodies were just barely touching. He listened to Hakkai's breathing as it slowed, softened. "You really get into that, huh?" he said.

     "Mm," Hakkai answered finally. More loaded silence, and then, "Don't you?" Gojyou lay silent for a moment, trying to tell whether there was anything else hiding in Hakkai's words beyond their apparent meaning, whether he was trying to trip Gojyou up, make him say something telling, because you could never be sure that Hakkai was saying only the words that came out of his mouth, and nothing else. But it didn't seem, really, that there was anything there beyond the simple question, and he was tired and afterglow always made him stupid, and it would take too much effort to try and out-think Hakkai. And anyway, Hakkai could see right through him even on his good days.

     "Well, yeah," he said. Yet the unspoken "but..." hung in the air between them as obviously as if Gojyou had said it out loud. Hakkai was silent for a heartbeat, then laughed gently. Gojyou paused for a moment, because just about anything Hakkai wanted to tell you he told you through his laughter, and you could never immediately be sure whether it was just a laugh or a laugh that was trying to tell you something. Tonight, though, it was his normal, self-effacing laugh, not his accusing laugh or his doubting laugh or his mocking laugh. But it wasn't his amused laugh either. Gojyou heard the intake of breath as Hakkai opened his mouth, prepared to say something, and then...

     Nothing.

     He waited, but whatever Hakkai meant to say, he had apparently thought the better of it. Gojyou sighed, shut his eyes, tried to sleep. Hakkai's body radiated warmth against his naked back.

     Fuck it.

     He rolled back over onto his other side. "Hakkai, if you've got something to say, just say it." Hakkai's eyes gleamed faintly in the light from the VCR display.

     "It's just that..." his voice trailed off. Gojyou held his gaze, waiting.

     "Why do it, Gojyou, if you don't enjoy it?"

     "What do you mean?" he said carefully.

     The corners of Hakkai's mouth tightened slightly. It was obvious that he wanted to say something to Gojyou, had been wanting to say whatever it was for some time now, but felt that it wouldn't be appropriate. Gojyou could have asked him about it, but one more thing you learned after living with Hakkai is that you had to be patient if you wanted to get anything out of him. So even if all he wanted to do at that moment was ask Hakkai what was eating at him, if he ever wanted to know, he would have to wait until Hakkai was ready to tell him. That was fine with Gojyou; it wasn't like either of them was going anywhere tonight. And sure enough,

     "It feels good, what we do together. And you're good at doing it." Hakkai shut his eyes, inhaled, continued, and his voice was tired. "But why do it, Gojyou, if you don't enjoy it?"

     "Because," he said, and then realized that he had nothing to say after it.

     "If you have something to say, Gojyou, then please say it."

     He laughed, but it sounded choked even to his own ears. "Make me eat my fucking words, why don't you?"

     Hakkai laughed again, and this time it was his amused laugh. "I apologize." A pause. "But I do wonder."

     Gojyou sighed, stared at the ceiling for a moment and wondered how he could say any of this out loud. "It feels good, it does, but..."

     "But," Hakkai prompted softly.

     "But women feel better."

     There. He'd said it. And it was the truth. Nothing could feel like a woman beneath him, not even Hakkai. And he did love that feeling. Hakkai remained silent, so he continued, "You, you can tell that you like it. The way it feels, I mean. And it is nice, but it isn't like a woman."

      "Then why bother with me?"

     Because you make me feel good. But there was no way he could say that out loud.

     He shrugged one shoulder, opened his mouth to say...something...but recognition dawned in Hakkai's eyes before he could find any words that would stall it.

     "Gojyou? I -"

     "Don't," he said quickly, desperate to make Hakkai stop before he could say anything else that would damn him more than he was damned already. "We're gonna get this straight right now, alright? I don't do 'love.' Okay?"

     Hakkai smiled his smile, the gentle one, and after a moment it spread to his eyes. "I know," he said. And then he leaned over so that their bodies were touching again, chest to chest this time, and kissed Gojyou.

     Who was at a loss for a few moments, because although he'd fucked Hakkai many times before, this was the first time they had kissed. And kissing Hakkai, thought Gojyou muzzily, was better than kissing any woman.