Goldilocks and the Three Youkai
by Trismegistus
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a monk named Goldilocks. He was named Goldilocks because he had beautiful blond hair that shone like gold in the sunshine (and a beautiful delicate face and beautiful violet eyes besides), but the sad truth is that Goldilocks was as naughty as he was beautiful.
Goldilocks was walking through the woods one rainy night when he noticed a tiny little cottage in a tiny little clearing in the trees. He wanted to get out of the rain, so he walked to the cottage door and knocked. He knocked and knocked and when no one answered, he let himself in.
The cottage was small and cozy and very neat, with a merry flame dancing in the kerosene heater, and a table with three cozy looking chairs set neatly around it, and a wall with three cozy looking beds pushed neatly against it.
Goldilocks turned up the heater as high as it could go and dried himself off. He meant to leave the cottage before the people who lived there came back home, but then he noticed a newspaper on the table in front of the first cozy looking chair. Goldilocks pulled out the chair and dropped himself into it.
He read for a few minutes, but he wasn't interested in the stories. "This paper is too boring!" he said, and stood up to leave. Now, Goldilocks should have put the paper back the way he found it, but he was a very bad monk, and he didn't fix it at all.
Goldilocks still meant to leave the cottage before the people who lived there came back home, but then he noticed some playing cards on the table in front of the second cozy looking chair. The chair in front of the cards hadn't been pushed in at all, so Goldilocks dropped himself into it.
He played solitaire for a few minutes, but he wasn't very good at card games. "This game is too hard!" he said, and stood up to leave. Now, Goldilocks should have put the cards back the way he found them, but he was a very bad monk, and he didn't fix them at all.
This time, Goldilocks really meant to leave the cottage before the people who lived there came back home, but then he noticed the mahjong tiles on the table in front of the third cozy looking chair. The chair in front of the tiles hadn't been pushed in either, so Goldilocks dropped himself into it.
Goldilocks was better at mahjong than he was at playing cards, and soon he'd finished the game. "This game was too easy!" he complained, but only out of habit, and stood up to leave. He should have put the tiles back the way he found them, but he was a very bad monk, and he didn't bother at all.
Goldilocks really meant to leave this time, but then he noticed a bottle of warm sake sitting by the kerosene heater. Now, drinking sake is a very bad thing for a monk to do, but Goldilocks was a very bad monk. He took a sake cup from the kitchen cupboard and filled it.
"This sake is too strong!" said Goldilocks, who liked to drink beer (even though monks shouldn't do that either). It made him angry, and when Goldilocks was angry, he drank more than usual. Before he knew it, he'd finished every last drop of sake in the bottle.
Goldilocks was really really going to leave this time, but then he noticed a pack of cigarettes sitting at the edge of the table. Now, smoking cigarettes is a very bad thing for a monk to do, but Goldilocks was a very bad monk. So he took a cigarette from the pack and lit it.
"These cigarettes are the wrong brand!" said Goldilocks, who didn't like the way they tasted. It made him angry, and when Goldilocks was angry, he smoked more cigarettes than usual. Before he knew it, he'd finished every last cigarette in the pack.
Goldilocks was absolutely going to leave this time, but then he noticed a bag of nikuman sitting on the kitchen counter. Now, eating meat is a very bad thing for a monk to do, but Goldilocks was a very bad monk. He took a nikuman from the bag and put it in the microwave oven.
Goldilocks had walked for a very long way through the woods, and he was very hungry. So it's no wonder that when he bit into the nikuman (even though it was very humbly made), it seemed like the most delicious meal he'd ever eaten. "This nikuman is too bland!" he complained, but only out of habit. When Goldilocks was happy (and being drunk never hurt either), he ate more than usual. Before he knew it, he'd finished every last nikuman in the bag.
Goldilocks really, really, absolutely meant to leave the cottage before the people who lived there came back home, so once he'd finished the last nikuman he stood up and walked back into the forest without a backwards glance.
Now, although Goldilocks didn't know it, the cottage belonged to three youkai - a green-eyed mother hen youkai, a red-eyed big brother youkai, and a golden-eyed baby youkai. The youkai had gone to the village market that day and were late coming home because of the rain, but come back home they did, and not a second after Goldilocks had walked back into the woods.
The three youkai were glad to be home, but it wasn't a moment before they realised something was wrong.
"It appears that someone prefers reading the society section," said the mother hen youkai when he saw that someone had been reading his newspaper.
"Someone fucked with my playing cards!" said the big brother youkai when he saw that someone had rearranged his playing cards.
"Hakkai, someone finished playing my game!" said the baby youkai to the mother hen youkai when he saw that someone had finished his mahjong game.
The three youkai were very angry, but not as angry as they were when they realised what Goldilocks had done next. The mother hen youkai reached for his bottle of sake, but it was empty. The big brother youkai reached for his pack of cigarettes, but it was empty too. The baby youkai reached for his bag of nikuman, but it was empty as well.
"It seems that someone has finished all of my sake," said the mother hen youkai, still holding the empty sake bottle in his hand.
"Someone smoked all my fucking cigarettes!" said the big brother youkai, still holding the empty cigarette pack in his hand.
"Hakkai, someone ate all my nikuman!" said the baby youkai to the mother hen youkai, still holding the empty nikuman bag in his hand.
The youkai were very very angry now, but they were also very tired, so they decided to go to bed. The mother hen youkai got into his bed, the big brother youkai got into his bed, and the baby youkai got into his bed too, and soon they were all sound asleep.
Goldilocks hadn't walked very far through the woods when it started to rain again. He was cold and he hated the rain, so he turned around and walked back to the house.
It was very dark inside the house when Goldilocks came back, but he was was tired and drunk, so he fell into the first bed he saw. The mother hen youkai put his arms around Goldilocks and whispered calm and rational things in his ear. They made a great deal of sense, but Goldilocks didn't want sense. "This one's too soft," he said, and got back out of the bed.
Goldilocks was still tired and drunk, so he fell into the second bed he saw. The big brother youkai put his arms around Goldilocks and whispered rough and dirty things in his ear. They weren't so very different from the things Goldilocks sometimes thought to himself, but Goldilocks didn't want that either. "This one's too hard," he said, and got back out of the bed.
Goldilocks was even more tired and drunk and so he fell into the third bed he saw. The baby youkai put his arms around Goldilocks and told him his hair looked like the sun (and that when he'd got back home that night all his nikuman were gone and he was very hungry and that it had rained today and that the big brother youkai ate all the pocky out of the box earlier when he wasn't looking). Goldilocks could barely get a thought in edgewise. "This one's too noisy," he complained, but only out of habit, because the last bed felt just right. Goldilocks stayed in that bed all night.
When Goldilocks woke up the next morning and saw the three youkai in their beds, he tried to run away, but the baby youkai took him by the hand and wouldn't let go. And so Goldilocks and the three youkai lived happily ever after, although they never quite stopped bickering about food, and card games, and alcohol.
A/N: My grandmother told me this story when I was just a baby. She learned it from her grandmother, who'd learned it from her grandmother, who'd learned it from her grandmother, so this must be the way of it, although I hear it's told a little differently in the next village over.
