I can't say for sure when I first realized that things had grown to more than just an alliance, or mere friendship, or having an entertaining victim nearby to keep boredom at bay. I guess, there's truth in saying that you don't know your feelings until something gets taken away from you, and there had been more than enough close calls to make my feelings go hickedeydoo all over the place. I just never acknowledged that feeling for what it is. Hey, I'm Gojyo, the heartbreaker. I have no uise for such a thing like love. You know, it's easier to just pretend its not there, being a guy and all, you don't really talk about such things anyway.

I guess at the point when you spend enough time with someone to notice that the person's missing when they're not around, it's where it all begins. From there, you walk a long, narrow, winded path called 'trust' next to a bottomless pit. Oh, you don't walk that path alone, everyone's with you in a party roped together by claws and teeth. One false step and everyone goes over the edge - or you let go and cling to the safety of what you know, watch the others fall, and try to stop thinking about if you can still look at your reflection the next day.

With some people, trust comes as natural as breathing. But it's not my strength, no matter what a certain fishy monk may tell you about how I trust too easily whenever a pretty face is involved. Of course, he's right that I give people the benefit of the doubt, because I know how it is to be on the receiving end of face value. But that has nothing to do with trust, and even less with the type of trust that grows into love, you know.

And it's not as if my trust has not taken a sharp blow to the groin often enough to keep me wary. I can't count the times I've taken a leap of faith with these three, just to end up hanging high and dry in the middle of a nasty situation. I know that it's my own fault for getting involved entirely too much in other people's problem. I understand that my pals don't have any obligations to see things my way, or even pay attention to the 'minor details', as Sanzo-sama calls those I try to help. And yes, the cavalry always shows up at the last minute to safe my hide, most likely thanks to Hakkai's nagging and Goku's pleading look. Not that I have no confidence in my abilities, I know that I have enough skill to fight off most enemies. But still... It's not easy to keep trusting when you depend on the moods of one man and his ego.

Genjyo Sanzo sama. I really hate his guts. Sometimes, at least. He can be a complete asshole one minute, and surprise you with some deep thought and care the next. Well, it's not that much of a surprise once you look into how that joke of a 'holy person' ticks. His weaknesses are blatantly obvious, and that doesn't just go for his body. Well, maybe his 'push here' buttons are more obvious if you spend some more time around him. I'm a gambler, you know. I learned to see those things and ask the right questions to win a game. Add to it the bits and bytes of his oh-so-tightly guarded personal history that leaked out by us running into the one or other person from his past and you gain interesting insights.

So, I'm usually prepared when Sanzo lashes out, and I try to stay in control, top of the food chain. Funny how I find many of my own problems reflected in him. Makes me somewhat protective, you know. He's vulnerable when he's not an asshole. Maybe that's why he's an asshole most of the time - can't afford to be too nice. Can't afford to be 'only human'. Idiot.

But it makes it easier, too, knowing where to hit so that it hurts. He's good at making remarks that smart when he feels cornered. Guess he knows me too well by now.

I guess if it wasn't for our mission, he and I would have never bothered to go beyond the growl-and-snarl phase of claiming territory. I sometimes think that Kanzeon-sama put us together on purpose just to see our personalities clash and get a laugh out of it...

Yes, Sanzo deserves to have a stop-sign smacked into his face ever so often, to knock his ego down a few pegs. But get rid of him? Lose him for good? Where would be the fun in that?

Besides, it would make the monkey sad, and that would really break my heart - probably the rest of my body, too. I'd never hear the end of it. Can't have that, no way.

The baka saru is still following his master around with the stupid loyalty of a dog, no matter how cruel Sanzo treats him, or how often he gets beaten with that paper fan for small things. Of course, Goku is sometimes asking for it, with his constant whining about food. But that's Goku for you - bouncing with enthusiasm and instinctive trust, and he's not hiding his affection for all of us. The saru doesn't know how lucky he is, being a kid and all. I sometimes envy him.

The kid is a walking enigma. He has wisdom of the heart. Hakkai once called it that way. Did I mention that Hakkai's really fond of Goku? Hakkai's helping him to learn self control, he says. But seeing those two, I'm not sure who's teaching who... I just know that it makes both of them happy and stronger. Goku's more mature now. Well, we all have grown up, one way or the other, but Goku's changes are most obvious.

Wisdom of the heart. Seriously. I don't know how the kid comes up with the things he sometimes does or says, but he somehow manages to do just the right thing. Maybe it's because of those five hundred years he spent alone in his mountain prison. Five hundred freakin' years all by yourself. Can you imagine that? No wonder he sticks to Sanzo like glue to paper for setting him free. He must've felt horribly lonely up there. I know I would've felt horribly lonely being stuck in a cave that long with no food, no booze, no cigarettes, no company and no women.

Goku doesn't pretend, and he doesn't hide how he thinks or feels. He also doesn't like it when we hide things from him. His version of trust is one of equal trade. 'I trust you, you trust me'. Only that it's not that simple, isn't it? Sure, trusting Goku is easy enough, but his Seiten-version scares me shitless. I'm afraid of that monster, but how can I tell that to Goku? I mean, I've seen demon-Hakkai going berserk, and that was a wakeup call in itself, but nothing compared to Seiten-Goku. However, it's still Goku somewhere in that monster when he removes the limiter, and he trusts us to do the right thing when his other self is on the rampage. Can you love one side of a person, but hate what they become when they lose control? It's confusing the heck out of me... but because of this feeling, I'm protecting Goku the best I can. I mean, he's like my little brother, and who if not I will stick to him, no matter what? I don't want to lose him. It would break my heart, and that stupid thing is only kept together by cello tape to begin with.

Plus, without Goku around, Hakkai would focus his parental habits solely on Sanzo and me, which makes me fear for Hakkai's life. Well, maybe I should be worried more about Sanzo, he doesn't stand a chance against teacher-mode Hakkai. As far as stubbornness goes, Hakkai wins by length, and he can be outright mean and sinister if you rub him the wrong way. Even the almighty Sanzo-sama isn't spared. Goku told me what happened when I went Kami-hunting all on my own. Hakkai really had our precious monk engaged in a shouting match. Can you believe it? Hakkai shouting on top of his lungs, at Sanzo of all persons? I'd really loved to see that.

Not that I doubt Goku's words, on the contrary. Sure, Hakkai's very polite and amendable most of the time. But he has his moods and he doesn't always have the strength to keep up his nicety shield. I'm there for him at those times, because he doesn't have to pretend around me. I've seen him at his darkest, when he was still Cho Gonou, and later on when he tried to fit into this new persona the three Aspects had equipped him with.

I don't know if he ever found out I followed him around those first few months he learned to be a healer. He probably did, but he never complained about it. Why I followed him around, you ask? Well, because he wouldn't stop pushing himself to the limits of his body. The bastard just conveniently forgot to stop pouring his life force into the sick and injured. He almost died from exhaustion a couple of times, and maybe wouldn't have survived if his teacher hadn't intervened. I got pretty good with the theoretical background of healing and what happened in the human body after that. Creepy and way over my head. Not that I'm stupid, but all that mumbo-jumbo is somewhat complicated. Shesh, the things I do for that man.

Hakkai still had that death wish back then, you see, even if he claimed that he would live to make a difference. I sometimes think that he must've seen his second chance as a cruel joke of fate. His sister and lover died, and he died as well, just that he wasn't quite as dead as he wanted to be. I don't remember how often I woke him from nightmares, or secretly kept guard over him when he hid his tears in the cold rain of the night. There wasn't much I could do to help him, just be there and let the colour of my hair and eyes remind him of the promise he made. I really wanted to do more, tried to get him interested in things, dragged him along so that he wouldn't get lost in brooding. It was when he earned himself a reputation for his gambling skills and people actually searched him out that I realized that it was a bad idea. He always smiled that polite smile and made conversation, kept winning with that weird skill of his to read into moves ahead of time. But I could tell that he didn't really want to be in those bars, at the tables, surrounded by strangers who come too close for comfort. I told him then that it's okay, he didn't have to tag along just to please me. Turns out that he felt uncomfortable all on his own at home, with nothing to drone out the screams of the dead. I'm an idiot, aren't I?

Hakkai still is uncomfortable with silence. One would think that he looks for solitude with all his problems, but that's far from the truth. Of course, he needs his time alone, the occasional break from the busy group that each of us requires every once in a while. But you can tell when he wants company and conversation. I guess that's why I always go and make a ruckus, teasing Goku or the monk before the silence gets to Hakkai. Besides, it gives him something to complain about, and as long as he's in teacher mode, he can busy himself with positive thoughts. Hakkai's really good with children. He treats them with respect, and he's always gentle with them. Children and Goku are the only ones who Hakkai embraces with love. It's hard to believe that he killed two hundred seventy-nine children in cold blood with those same hands, but it's true.

Did you know that Goku was the first person I ever saw Hakkai smiling at? Hakkai's like a different person when that smile is on his face. Not his usual placid smile, but a genuine smile. I don't think he even realised that he was smiling, or how easily Goku had thawed the permafrost inside Hakkai's heart. Frustrating, really. I mean, I tried all tricks in the book to draw a real smile from him, and then Goku steals it. Aw shucks, damn the stupid monkey. Must be because he's an animal, and Hakkai likes animals. I've learned that little fact when we got Hakuryuu, our pet dragon. That is, I won him, but the little critter instantly adopted Hakkai. Unfair? Maybe, but I don't mind. You should've seen the look on his face when Hakuryuu crawled into his shirt to sleep that very first evening. Priceless.

I guess that he really needs someone he can care about. Someone to love. If someone had told me a couple of years ago I'd love someone, I would've laughed that person straight in the face. The child of taboo that never learned what love is, feels love? No, not that type of love that's controlled by hormones. What I mean is the other kind of love, the much deeper and longer lasting version that so many 'lovers' never achieve. The one that grows inside you, but you never realized that it's there until you almost lose it.

So yes, I love those idiots. Sounds stupid, huh? Mushy. So un-cool. So utterly un-Gojyo-ish. Love... Never wanted it, never asked for it.

Love. Who needs love, anyway? Love. Me? I think you're hallucinating.