Muse : Before we go on, I have an important announcement.
Sf : Positively urgent.

Muse : *glares*. Yes. It's regarding the issue of Cartoon Network in the last chapter. I'd like to assure all our traumatized readers that no, Saiyuki is not being aired on cartoon network, and is not being mutilated to fit it.. (although the bit about it being marketed as 'Paradise Raiders' is highly probable). The cartoon network thing was just an excuse to fix 'em. Bwahhahahaa. *trails off into evil laughter*.

Sf : -_-. Disclaimer : I am not responsible for the craziness of my muse. Especially when it leaves my side to go on a rampage in the fanfic world *nod**nod**nod*.

Muse : Then again, compared to the things being aired on TV these days, Saiyuki is positively mild.

Sf : ... Moving on.

There was nothing to do but get on the road again. So Hakuryuu transformed back into jeep, and all four clambered aboard, casting suspicious glances at the seatbelts, and continued West.

It was unusually silent, with Gojyo and Goku brooding over the Muse's threats, Sanzo brooding in general, and Hakkai.. well, being Hakkai. Finally, Goku leaned forward. "Ne, Sanzo."

Sanzo glanced up.

"I thought you said that Gods didn't help people.."
"I said that Gods don't help people. It doesn't mean that they can't kick your posterior into the next week if you *bleep* them off."

Somewhere up there, Kanzeon Bosatsu sneezed violently.

"Besides, Muses are worse," Hakkai added. "They control the whole fanfic realm, which is endless, and can make your life miserable for the rest of your fanfic existence."
"Do you think the Muse will really do .. that?" Goku said.
"Certainly. Do you want proof?" a familiar and unwelcomed voice drifted down to them, accompanied by the usual smell of hazelnut coffee.
"No..no thanks," Goku said hurriedly.

"Bakazaru," Gojyo muttered.
"Ooo, a sign of affection!" Goku returned sarcastically.
"You wish, *bleep*!"
"Do you need a reminder of what'll happen if you start arguing again?" Sanzo said.

It was even more effective than The Fan. Gojyo and Goku shut up in a hurry.

After another few minutes of travel time, Goku leaned forward again. "Hakkai, why are you driving so slowly?"

"We can't exceed the speed limit..."
"What blinking speed limit?" Gojyo said. "This isn't even a *bleeping* road! There aren't any speed limits for driving in the wilderness!"
"Apparently, there are now," Sanzo replied, looking distastefully at the dashboard. "And it appears to be 40 miles an hour."
"*bleep*" Gojyo muttered. "It's going to take us *forever* to reach the next town.."

"Cheese.." Sanzo paused in midsentence as the intended obscenity came out .. well... different.

"It might be better if you didn't swear at all," Hakkai said quietly.

Sanzo's glare was almost a substitute for the missing Smith and Wesson. Hakkai smiled back.

"Hmph. Pass me a beer," Sanzo said.
"And what should you say?" Gojyo said, taunting.
"What on earth do you mean 'what should I say'?"
"Aww, comeon, it's not too hard. It's six letters long and starts with P."
"You can take your Ps and Qs and shove them where the sun doesn't shine!"
"Eh? Where's that?" Goku interjected.
"You're practically sitting on it," Sanzo snapped back.
"Ano.. Sanzo.. that's not nice," Hakkai said desperately.
"Crumbs..."

"So do you want that beer, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo smirked.
"Eh... Gojyo, there isn't any more beer," Goku said, rummaging in the back. He held up a can.

'100% Natural Chinese Tea. No herbs or preservatives added'.

"What the *bleep*?" Sanzo and Gojyo chorused.
"There's a note," Goku added, pulling out a piece of paper.
Sanzo took it. And stared at it. And stared at it harder. And smacked his forehead. "Barney in a hot-air balloon..."

Gojyo grabbed the paper.

'Dear cast,
Due to .. special circumstances, which, by now, you should be familiar with, there shall be no consumption of alcohol for the duration of the day. Instead, healthy canned chinese tea (sugar and caffiene free), has been substituted. Invigorating and refreshing, this drink is guarenteed to put a bounce into your step and a smile on your face.

Sincerely,
The Muse.'

"Some Muse up there must be laughing its head off..." Gojyo growled.

Faint strains of laughter came floating down.

"Well, maybe it ain't so bad," Goku said, popping open a can and taking a mouthful.

Gojyo ducked as chinese tea came spraying out in a solid stream.

"WHAT THE *BLEEP*?! THAT TASTED LIKE *BLEEP*!" Goku yelled. He glanced at the can. "Oolong Tea? That *bleep*s!"
"They expect us to drink that?!" Gojyo demanded.
"If you can drink warm beer, you can drink anything," the Muse said sweetly.

"You don't suppose there's any sake left?" Hakkai said, sounding just the least bit unhappy.
"There's Ribena Light, with no added food coloring," Gojyo said, checking.
"Oh dear.."

"Goku," Sanzo said.
"Nani?"
"Check the food supplies."
"Hai!" Goku grabbed the satchel. "The bento boxes are still here.."
"Check inside the bentos."

"Wha... what's this? SALAD?" Several lettuce leaves went flying. "Brown rice and steamed fish?! What the... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Goku's wail of distress went flying up into the Heavens.

"It says here, on the box... Promote a Healthy Lifestyle. Eat more greens," Gojyo commented. "And.. Warning, may contain nuts."

"Nooooooo! I want my meat buns!"

The look on Sanzo's face suggested that he'd been dreading this all along.

"Well... it can't be that bad, can it?" Hakkai asked.
"YES IT CAN!" Gojyo and Goku chorused.
"Hey, at least it's quality stuff. 100% organic products," Hakkai pointed out.
"Hakkai.. why do I get the feeling that you're enjoying this?" Sanzo said quietly.
"Okay, we're stuck here with no food and nothing to drink. The bakazaru's going to starve to death, and the rest of us will die of thirst," Gojyo groaned.
"There's still water," Hakkai pointed out.
"Thank the god of small miracles!"
"I never thought I'd hear you say that about water."
"Yeah, but water's usually the worse alternative!"
"Now, now, you wouldn't happen to be suggesting that the modifications I've made are.. unacceptable, would you?" the Muse asked.

Sanzo's eyebrow started twitching violently, but the group remained otherwise silent.

There was a pause.

"Sanzo?" the Muse said. "I'm afraid that sf won't let you bite your tongue off... so I guess you'll just have to play along. Seriously, it isn't as bad you think.."

Sanzo snarled something unintelligible under his breath. It sounded a lot like : *bleep*.

"Well, I'll leave you guys to it..." there was fading laughter as the Muse's presence faded.

And so they travelled on in silence, following the policy of : 'If you can't find something nice to say, then don't say anything.'

They'd been travelling for slightly under an hour, when they ran out of snow, and ran into grassland.

Hakkai looked around. "Well, at least the weather's improving."

At that moment, rain came sloshing down.

It rained buckets. The clear blue sky had turned pitch dark, and was completely clouded over. It looked like some crazy Muse had taken an airbrush and spray painted clouds on in a hurry.

Sanzo was trying very hard not to swear. Gojyo was letting out an inordinate number of *bleeps*. Hakkai was trying to see through the torrents.

"Hey, what's that?" Goku said, pointing.

Hakuryuu's headlights illuminated a sign post at the side of the road. A big, neon light kind of sign post, with flashing pink words and a glowing green border. And bright orange decor. Even through the rain, the words were clearly visible.

'Let a smile be your umbrella'

"What kind of logic is that?" Gojyo asked.
"Muse logic," Hakkai replied.
"What does it mean?" Goku asked.
"It means.. oh crackers, this is so *stupid*... smile and the rain will go away.." Sanzo muttered.
"Oh, let's try it!"

Goku beamed happily.

The rain faltered. A clear little space appeared over Goku's head, where the droplets hit an invisible barrier and dripped down the sides instead. The others stared.

"It works!"

"Well, if it's that easy.." Hakkai turned on his usual Hakkai-smile. Instantly, the space above him cleared. An invisible umbrella hung over him. Rain diverted its course and headed for the ground instead.

It was funny, really, seeing the rain glancing off thin air. Funny enough to make Gojyo overcome his skepticism and venture a smile. Being a babe-magnet and all, turning on the charm was a simple matter for him.

The rain let up even further, and another invisible umbrella popped into existence directly over his head.

"Oh, this is so cool!" Goku said. "We should try it the next time we get caught in the rain!"
"This is so *bleeping* dumb," Sanzo scowled. The rain was falling steadily on him alone now.
"Well, Sanzo-sama, you were the one who translated it," Gojyo smirked. "Aren't you going to act on your own advice?"
"*bleep* off." Sanzo was getting positively soaked.
"Oh... mister Sanzo-sama can't smile. I'd forgotten."
"*bleeeeeep*."
"Sanzo, at least try..." Hakkai said. "It worked for the rest of us..."
"Yeah, Sanzo! It's not hard!"
"Bunch of *bleeps*.."
"Yeah, and remind me to get a camera for this momentus occasion!" Gojyo crowed.

They stood in silence for a little longer. Water pooled around Sanzo's feet. His robes were rapidly becoming saturated.

"Well, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked. "You're going to catch a cold if you stand around any longer."
"And the tent's gone," Goku said, checking. "As well as anything that could possibly stand in for an umbrella."
"Well, I think he likes it," Gojyo said. "Walking around under his own private thundercloud.. that's our Sanzo, alright."

Sanzo shot him a glare that had the consistency of a lightning bolt. Gojyo yelped and ducked behind Hakkai.

They waited.

Finally: "...Very well."

"What? Was that for real?" Gojyo said in mock surprise.
"Quiet, Gojyo," Sanzo hissed.
"Yeah, everyone, quiet now. The great Sanzo-sama needs to concentrate."
A vein was throbbing violently on Sanzo's forehead. He was clenching and unclenching his hands in a way that suggested that, if he had his Fan, Gojyo would be just another puddle of water on the floor.

Hakkai laid a warning hand on Gojyo's shoulder.

"I'm just trying to give him moral support.." Gojyo complained.
"We all know what you really mean. Even the audience might catch on," Hakkai replied.

The rain fell.

"Well, Sanzo? Lost your courage?" Gojyo asked after a while. The monk was so drenched that water was pouring off the hem of his robe, and there were mini-waterfalls cascading off the sutras. Everyone else was drying out. Even Hakuryuu had converted back to dragon form and had taken shelter under Hakkai's umbrella.

"I'm going to dismember whoever came up with this idea..." Sanzo muttered.

And smiled.

It wasn't a nice smile. It was a toothy sort of smile that looked like it belonged on some prehistoric carnivore from beyond the dawn of time. It was positively feral.

Gojyo and Goku backed up a pace. "Woah.. scary..."

But it worked.

The rain stopped. With a pop, the clouds vanished as if they'd never been, leaving nothing but three rain-splattered youkai and one very, very drenched human.

Sanzo's smile disappeared so fast that the other three wondered if they'd imagined it.

"Well, that was good," Hakkai ventured, breaking the silence.
"Is this why you hate rain, Sanzo?" Goku asked innocently.
"*bleeping* bakazaru!"
"Well, well, now that's over, let's make a move," Hakkai said.
"We can't. Not while bouzu's drenched," Gojyo pointed out.
"Let's have lunch," Goku suggested.

No one could really find fault with that, except for Gojyo's complaints that there was nothing worth eating. So they ended up standing around Hakuryuu, who obligingly converted back into Jeep form so that they could lean against him, drinking diluted Ribena and eating low-fat, unflavored natural yoghurt.

"Well, this is all fine and good," Gojyo said, scowling at a 100% organic tomato, "but I need a cigarette. Bad. Real bad." He fished around for his pack of Hi-Lites. Located it and popped it open.

Dead silence.

"I say, those look an awful lot like breath mints," Hakkai said, observing the contents of the pack.
Sanzo appropriated one. "They are."
Gojyo twitched.
"Hey, these are good!" Goku tipped out a handful.

Gojyo twitched some more.

Hakkai took one. "Not too sweet either.."
"I'm.. gonna.. kill... whoever... did... this..." Gojyo growled.
"That would be the Muse," Sanzo replied mercilessly.

"Who's going to kill me?" the Muse called.

Gojyo glared.

"Would you prefer chewing gum instead? There's some in Sanzo's pack."

The Very-Nasty-Smile reappeared for a brief moment on Sanzo's face, as he pulled out his pack of Marlboros.

Sure enough, there were sticks of chewing gum instead of cigarettes. And, right on the front of the pack, were the words :

'Smoking Kills. Quit smoking today, and enjoy life to the fullest!'

"Sanzo? Sanzo, calm down! You're going to blow a vessel.."
"Gojyo, you're going as red as your hair.."
"*bleeping* bakazaru!"
"Maa, think of all the money you'll save on cigarettes if you use this chance to break the habit.."

...

"Hey, it was a joke! It was-- hey, this is a no violence fic!"

* * *
TBC
* * *

Muse : Oh, the wrath of nicotine deprived bishonen..
Sf : What? It's not finished yet?
Muse : Ahahhahhahaa.
Sf : You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?
Muse : ^_^v

Muse : Btw, the rain scene was just another attempt to get Sanzo-sama to smile. I'd say that the results were... of mixed success.