Chapter 2 : Genjo Sanzo and the Chamber of Idiots
Where Harry Potter worshippers might get seriously offended.

And in later days, the Story was cast memorably into verse and song :

The Story now tells us of how Kouryuu, now Genjo Sanzo, embarked on his many journeys in his search for Self, Soul, and the Chamber of Pot. In the telling and retelling, his exploits have taken many guises, of which Academia is a popular theme. After all, School is the modern analogy of the long road towards self discovery, fraught with trials and failures for the young.

But returning to the original Story.

Genjo Sanzo learnt many things about the wide world. He learnt that waving his sutra and chanting nonsense [1] elicited an interesting response from the light and magic stage crew. He learnt that waving his Smith and Wesson Youkai Exterminating Revolver and chanting threats elicited interesting responses from the rest of the world. He learnt that waving a stick and chanting pseudo-latin elicited laughs and snide remarks about phallic symbols from everyone.

[1] -- Not precisely nonsense. He learnt that, even without the sutra, chanting two particular lines in their English translation -- There is no path to follow, there is no wisdom to obtain -- sent a certain fanfic author known as sf screaming and running away. So that was good.

And so the story went, di da di, di da di da di da di, and Genjo Sanzo grew older and more droolworthily gorgeous [2], and learnt about the uses of cigarettes and beer and other magical artifacts.

[2] *coughs*. Did I write that?

So it was on his fifteenth birthday that he arrived at the great temple city of Chou'An and was admitted onto its sacred grounds that few have seen, let alone tread upon, on account of the quaint red scar on his forehead in the shape of a dot.

Here it was that folk talked in hushed voices of a secret chamber within the great temple, a chamber created at the beginning of time then sealed. No one knew what lay within this chamber, but the Chamber of Pot was never far from the people's minds. And it was prophesized that the day would come when one would open this chamber and unleash a great evil on the world.

So the monks tended the temple grounds faithfully over the millenia. All knew where the great Chamber stood, for it occupied the place of honor in the midst of the temple, atop a hill scalable by a thousand steps. Yet the Chamber itself was sealed against incursion as if by magic, and none could enter.

"Did you try?" Genjo Sanzo demanded, and the abbot cocked a white eyebrow at him, looked at the great flight of steps, and asked, "Would you like to climb all the way up there just to unleash a great evil upon the world?"

And Genjo Sanzo rolled his eyes, stepped upon the threshold, and scaled the flight of a thousand steps.

It must be noted at this point that Genjo Sanzo was very young, and, foolish the way that the young are, was prone to charge in where even Koumyou Sanzo feared to tread (if Koumyou Sanzo feared anything.) Thus it was, and this is recounted even in later legend, he ended up in many places where he should not have been, all in the name of saving the world.

But although Sanzo was bold, he was not entirely foolish, having learnt in his travels that rushing in was a good way to be reunited with his master. So he packed his loaded Smith and Wesson and the Maten sutra, and, armored in his Invincibility Artifact that would not stop him from being beaten into the ground, but would intervene to stop him from dying. This artifact was known as the Blessing of the Fanfic Author, although some have been known to call it a curse. Said Fanfic Author does not even pretend to know why.

And Sanzo scaled this great flight of stairs, unleashing a great evil on his knees. Along the way, a bird came along and dropped its offerings nearby, and this was interpreted by the temple folk as a Sign, for it was a very large bird, and from afar, it looked as if it were a Phoenix depositing a rather tatty hat. It is said that the Bird partook in a great fight on Sanzo's behalf, for gunshots were heard shortly after that and the Bird flew away, noticably injured. And the temple folk watched on in wonder, and chronicled the event in their holy books.

The priests tell us of a great battle that raged upon the top of the hill, of flashes of light and great rolls of thunder that sounded suspiciously like gunshots. They tell us of a great snake that emerged from this chamber and which was vanquished with a phallic symbol ere the setting of the sun. They tell us that which they saw. Which, of course, is entirely wrong.

This is what truly happened.

When he had scaled the thousandth step, Sanzo found himself in a wide, empty hall, before a great pair of double doors. And the doors were locked.

There was no keyhole, and therefore, no key. Puzzled, Sanzo resorted to magic, and attempted to use the sutras on General Purpose mode to open the door. So he waved the sutras and chanted in a strange language, which prompted the Light and Magic crew to indulge in some special effects and some fangirls to go 'Kyaaaaaaaaaa' and keel over. [3] But the doors remained firmly locked.

[3] Including Mary Sue and Marty Stu, who followed Sanzo everywhere and have, on many occasions, been mistaken for companions instead of tag-alongs. Sanzo's real companions, as we will soon see, were only slightly less unwelcomed to him and came much later.

Sanzo then resorted to more potent chants, including the Famed Four Letter Word of Fornication, which I shall not utter here. And yet the doors defied him and remained, against all expectation, shut.

So at last Sanzo resorted to the Phallic Symbol that legend speaks of, and whipped out his Smith and Wesson and shot the lock off the doors. And at long last, the doors yielded and opened.

And as they parted, a great cloud of dust, the dust of a million millenia, rose from the doors and from within the chamber, and floated out, assuming, under the guidance of the wind, the form of a great serpent. Then it dispersed, and the temple was plagued with a Plague of Dust for many a week after.

But at last Genjo Sanzo, after recovering from near aphixation from all the dust (thanks, mostly, to his Invincibility Artifact), had found the entrance to the famed chamber of legend. Dusting ineffectually at his robes, he stood, and stepped boldly across the threshold.

A blue light sprung about him, cast by blue fires of magical origin. Shadows hid the ceiling and the far end of the Chamber. The floor was marble, the pillars stone and goldleaf.

"And this is the famed Chamber of Pot?" Sanzo said loudly into the silence, then promptly succumbed to a coughing fit from the clouds of dust.

There was no reply except for the echoes. Nor was there any sign of Pot.

Chanting a spell for protection against evil, to whit, threats of bodily harm against anyone foolish enough to cross him, Sanzo ventured further into the depths of the unknown.

Then he came to an abrupt halt. In front of him lay the far end of the chamber, not as far as he'd originally thought, and it was blue.

Casting foolish quotes from the fanfic author out of mind, Sanzo stared at the wall. It was of a strange texture, smooth to the touch, yet the air around it seemed curiously furry, and made the hairs on the back of his hand stand. It was of nondescript color, and might have been gray or blue, and, upon closer inspection, there were fine horizontal lines running across its length.

And Sanzo heaved a sigh. "'Unleash a great evil', they said. 'Unleash that that will decimate all of mankind and destroy their minds', they said. 'Unleash that which will suck the souls from us and every generation that will follow after', they said. They should have just said that this chamber held the largest TV screen in all the world."

"Bingo!" a voice cried out, and there was a flash from the curious wall, which sprang to life with a flicker and a crackle. "Behold, the new 15 meter flat screen plasma television from Togenkyo Electrical with full video conferencing! Use it to converse with people as far away as Heaven!"

And another voice cried, "We have the eyes of the world! For this is the television screen from whence all other television screens will sprung, until they enter every household and take over the world! Behold, we are the evil of legend, for we have the eyes and souls of the people!"

Sanzo kicked the screen. "Quit it with the advertisements already!"

There was another flicker, a burst of static, then the screen turned blue.

(And this was the first Blue Screen of Death, the blue screen from whence all other blue screens sprang.)

The screen turned blue and something shimmered in its depths. And Sanzo began to feel worried. But, staunch in his determination to find the secret behind the mystical Chamber, he stood his ground.

Which proved to be a grave mistake.

Abruptly, the shimmer in the screen grew in clarity and resolution until it formed the image of three disembodied heads, all bearing curious scars in the likeness of dots on their forehead. And before Sanzo could turn tail and run for dear life, the centermost head, that of a decrepit old man with an impossible fringe, spoke.

"Genjo Sanzo, we bid you welcome."

"You are the first to step within the great oracle of Chou'An since the making of the world," uttered the head on the right, a woman wearing the look of the extremely sleep deprived.

And the third head, who was not merely sleep deprived but sleeping on the job, spoke with the voice of a sleep talker, "And for that, you are appointed the official errand boy of Heaven, to run wither we bid and carry out our will."

Sanzo, magically rooted to the spot and very, very put out, crossed his arms and asked, "What's in it for me?"

The Three heads paused in surprise.

With nothing left to lose, Sanzo plunged recklessly on. "Look, I need funding. Being your errand boy is a full time occupation and I don't have time to beg for alms. Which means that I need my expenses covered. You can't expect me to work without any financing."

Hastily, the Three heads gathered together to consult. Eventually, after what appeared to be a heated argument, the oldest head sighed, and turned to Sanzo. "We bequeath this upon you."

And a golden light lanced down from the Heavens, through the roof of the Chamber, bounced off the marble floor, and blinded all and sundry. When the light had faded and his vision had returned, Sanzo beheld a thin, golden piece of plastic before him.

"That's it?" he asked, incredulous. "Look, I wouldn't even be able to pawn that for--"

"--that is the Debit Card of Heaven," the Sleep Deprived head told him gently. "It accesses Heaven's theoretically unlimited bank account."

"Ahhhh. That changes everything," Sanzo said, and pocketed the card swiftly. "Now, if you don't mind, I'll just be on my way..."

Then the Sleep Talking head spoke, in a voice forecasting doom, "You may leave now, but know that you are magically bound to return whenever we call. And if you should ignore these summons, we will hand you over to the Order of the Sanzo Abusers, chaired by the High Priestess sf."

And Sanzo, standing rooted to the ground in shock, frantically began to protest, when there was a massive clap of thunder. Lightning struck the Chamber upon the hill of a thousand steps, and reception was temporarily lost. The Three Heads winked out of existence.

After a while, Sanzo sighed, chanted the Spells suitable for the occasion (inclusive of the Famed Four Letter Word of Fornication, which is not 'Fork'), and left.

And when folk eagerly asked him what he had uncovered within the great Chamber of legend upon the highest hill in Togenkyo, they received his enlightened reply : "Idiots. I found three idiots."

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To be continued in
Genjo Sanzo and the Prisoner of Insanity

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