Something in the Water . . .

By Kanzeon

Warnings: Potty-mouthed bishounens. Implied yaoi. Men Behaving Badly (as usual). Bending of mythology and fanfic cliché (see notes). Not really that funny once it got written . . .

Dedicated, tongue firmly in cheek, to Wei Pin, Jacque and Jeanne.

* * * * * * * * * *

It began with an accident, A real accident. No one had intended for it to happen or had any inkling of the possible consequences. If they had any idea about what was going to happen, they would have opted to go for the bridge further down the road instead of the rather decrepit ferry at the river ford.

If any of the four travellers had the slightest clue as to what awaited them on the opposite shore, they would have put Hakuryuu/Jipu in reverse as fast as the magical vehicle could go. But they did not have the benefit of any clue or inkling or that elusive, unknown Sutra known as "The Script". The middle-aged ferry-woman leering at Gojyo's rear should have tipped them off somewhat, but being bishounen trapped in a gag fanfic, they were rather blind to small details like that.

Midway across the river, Goku and Gojyo had another quarrel. (This one had been about who got dibs on the last Twinkie in their supplies.) Sanzo was obliged to lay about with his paper fan as usual, but a raft-like boat was definitely *not* Jipu.

Jipu did not go on water. Jipu was fairly steady and did not rock (except on rough terrain and down high cliff-sides, and when Hakkai and Gojyo were doing the H in the backseat, hence traumatising poor Jipu . . . but that's besides the point). But Jipu was currently Hakuryuu, a cute little white dragon perched on Hakkai's shoulder. They were on a floating wooden craft steered by a middle-aged woman who could come up with better cuss words than Sanzo (which was a frickin' *amazing* fact by itself, but not the main point of this story). She *did* tell them not to rock the boat. And so it was really *not* all that surprising when Sanzo overbalanced, tripped over an uneven plank, tumbled over Goku and plunged headfirst into the river.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Stupid ape! I'm going to kill you!" Sanzo yelled (rather predictably) from where he was floundering in the river. "Get me out now or I swear I'll shove your *beep*ing *beep* out of your *beep*ing arses!"

"Maa, maa . . . Calm down," Hakkai said as he tried to figure out where the automatic censorship had came from and find some pole to fish the monk out of the water.

"Can we leave him in there for a while? He doesn't look like he's drowning," Gojyo said--very quietly, of course.

A torrent of abuse--in which the monk had insulted their ancestry with regards to certain sheep and other barnyard animals--later, Sanzo was deposited in a dripping wet heap on the planks of the ferry. For some reason, the woman poling the ferry was grinning like a Cheshire Cat on acid. It *could* have something to do with the way Sanzo's robes and jeans were clinging to his rear after the drenching he received . . .

Still swearing venomously under his breath, Sanzo gathered up the leftover shreds of his dignity and disembarked swiftly when the ferry docked on the other shore.

"Ne, Sanzo--can we stop for lunch? We still have the food that that bunch of grateful villagers gave us for getting rid of that last pesky youkai!"

Soaked to the skin, Sanzo could not say no to an opportunity to dry out. As the day was pleasantly sunny and breezy, they had an impromptu picnic by the ford.

The relative peace--excluding the noise of Goku and Gojyo quibbling over a dumpling--was abruptly interrupted when Sanzo bolted for the bushes and was nosily sick in a most inelegant fashion.

The others looked on in surprise. This was a mortal who could down eight vodka shots on top of five shots of tequila straight on a slack night and still put a hole through a beer can at thirty paces *without* his glasses.

"Ne, Sanzo? You okay?"

"Of course, I'm not okay!" the monk hissed. "Why else do you think I'm throwing up in a bush? Stupid ape . . ."

"It can't be *that* bad if he's being sarcastic," Hakkai observed.

"Maybe it was the shellfish from last night?" Gojyo suggested.

"Heh, I doubt it." It was the ferry-woman from a few paragraphs before. She was checking out Gojyo's rear again.

"Er, what d'you mean, *auntie*?" Gojyo asked, trying to act casual while putting more emphasis on the "auntie" and shifting his rear out of her line of sight.

"Well, this is the Motherhood River," the middle-aged woman said with sly smile.

"And what does *that* mean?"

"If blondie over there had a mouthful of the water when he went down, then he's probably in the family way by now,"

"*What*?" Sanzo had straightened up and was glaring, as far as glares went, the equivalent of a nuclear weapon.

"Pregnant. Knocked-up. Expecting," the woman said cheerfully. "There are no men around here, so any girl who wants kids takes a drink from this river. Of course, you may be the first male to try it . . ."

As Goku, Hakkai and Gojyo doubled over in the background with silent laughter, the muscle under Sanzo's left eye started to twitch. "I. Am. Not. Pregnant."

"Oh? Do you feel nauseous? Queasy for no reason? How about a pain in your lower back? Want any pickles?"

The others looked at Sanzo expectantly for his answer. Which came in the form of his drawn revolver levelled in a pair of unsteady hands. "What do you know about this?"

"Waving your phallic symbol at me isn't going to help any," the ferry-woman said calmly, apparently aware of the Freudian imagery inherent in the weird fanfic. "I've never seen what happens to men when they drink from the river, but if you've already got the symptoms this quickly, then I guess it must accelerate the pregnancy in males."

"But men don’t get pregnant," Goku said, displaying his flare for stating the obvious. "Ne, Hakkai? Unless you weren't telling me *everything* in the last talk about the birds and the bees . . ."

Hakkai sweat-dropped.

"*If* you're right . . . Just on the off-side chance that you're right, then how do I cure . . . this . . . this problem?" Sanzo demanded.

"But it could be interesting . . . being a dad. Or mom, I mean," Goku said.

"Sanzo . . . as a *mother*?" Gojyo choked out. And collapsed laughing.

Needless to say, the mental images running through everyone's heads at that point where interesting and varied. Most of them involved a chibi-sized baby-Sanzo wielding a mini Smith and Wesson revolver and giving the finger to a pissed-off, diaper-totting Mommy-Sanzo.

Everyone sweat-dropped furiously.

The muscle under Sanzo's left eye was twitching violently now as he had an inkling of what the other others were thinking. "That's it! I'm going to kill the lot of you--"

Everyone froze as the Smith & Wesson barked once. Defrosting carefully, they checked themselves for bullet holes. Reaching up, Gojyo gingerly touched the strand of his hair that had been severed by the bullet's passage.

"S-Sanzo . . . You--you nearly s-shot Gojyo . . ." Goku stuttered.

"Hormonal imbalance," the ferry-woman said knowingly.

"But he doesn't have the right hormones or the right equipment to have a baby!"

"Exactly. His insides are probably going to be a right mess pretty soon. And this isn't the worst mood swing I've seen in a pregnant girl either . . ."

Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku exchanged a look while Sanzo fumed and cocked his gun again.

"All right," Hakkai said seriously, "there's nothing else left to do . . . Now!"

"What the f--"

Sanzo barely had time to squeeze out another round before Gojyo and Hakkai tackled him from the side and Goku went for his legs.

"Hold his arm! The *other* arm--"

"Owwch! He kicked me!"

"Get the gun! Someone get the damned gun--"

The obscenity-laden scuffle finally died down when they had Sanzo securely pinned and disarmed.

"Get off you stupid--mmmppph!"

Goku and Gojyo had thoughtfully hauled Sanzo's robe over his head to stem the never-ending flow of curses.

"Maa, maa, the hormonal imbalances are terrible . . ." Hakkai said, smiling a little desperately at the ferry-woman. "He's not usually quite so violent . . ."

Goku and Gojyo snorted--with a little difficulty at that point because Sanzo was trying his level best to free himself with all the pent-up rage that had no outlet from his gun or a long stream of verbal abuse.

"But he hasn't *seriously* tried to kill one of us since that last time . . ." Hakkai said. The last time had been earlier that morning. "Erm . . . anyhow, is there a cure for this?"

The ferry woman turned from her regard of Sanzo's obligingly exposed denim-clad rear. "A cure? Well, there's this spring up in the mountains that's supposed to work for anyone who made a mistake . . ."

"Damned right it's a mistake!" Sanzo ground out. He had fought free of the folds of his robe.

"Shuussshh! You'll traumatise the poor kid . . . " Goku just *had* to open his big mouth . . .

They had shoved his robe back over his head to keep the noise level down. The noises indicated that certain people were going to die in extremely messy and inventive ways if Sanzo should ever get free.

"So auntie, how do we get to that spring?"

"Go down that road. Hang right until you get to the forest. Follow the game trail until you find a large sign that says 'Magic Spring--1 more mile!' You can't miss it."

"Thank you! We'll--"

"Be off to the spring now!" Goku and Gojyo yelled over their shoulders. "We'll be right back!'

There was only a small puff of dust on the road to mark their passage. Hakkai sighed and turned around to see Sanzo pulling himself off the ground. If he had not had Sanzo's gun secreted where no-one--except Gojyo--would venture to look, Hakkai would have felt a lot less secure in facing down a pissed-off, hormonally unbalanced and internally screwed up Sanzo. So he mustered up his most inoffensive smile and asked, "How about a nice hot cup of tea while waiting for them to come back?"

He could actually *see* Mount Vesuvius erupting somewhere behind Sanzo's eyes . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

"Ne, Gojyo? Was it all right to leave Hakkai with Sanzo like that?"

"Who knows? Wanna go back and find out?"

"Hell no . . ."

"Thought so. I'll race you, stupid ape!"

"Hey! Wait up! No fair!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, Hakkai was supplying Sanzo with sick bags and herbal tea as the monk cussed, whined and ranted ceaselessly. A less patient man would have shot Sanzo with his own gun by now. Hakkai gingerly trod the thin line between laughing and screaming out loud to preserve the priest's and his own sanity (and also partially because he had Sanzo's gun secreted about his person in a rather delicate place).

"Shit . . . That's the last time I ever let anyone of you near me! It's all your fault!" Sanzo wheezed somewhere in between throwing up and craving for strawberries with blue cheese and pickles.

"But none of us impregnated you," Hakkai pointed out in his oh-so-reasonable-tone. "So how can it be our fault?"

"I don't know! It's what pregnant women always shout when they go into labour on television!"

Hakkai sighed. It was a lot worse than he had expected. Somewhere along the journey, somewhere in the countless motel rooms they had bunked in, Sanzo had fallen into the insidious trap of daytime soap operas.

So being the rational guy that he was (when he was not a psychotic youkai on a rampage, that is), Hakkai said patiently, "Sanzo, according to the old lady, even if your pregnancy was accelerated, you aren't due for labour this soon . . ."

"I'm not going to have a kid, d'you hear? I'm not pregnant! We're just going along with this because some stupid old hag was feeding us a load of bullshit! Argh, my feet hurt! Am I bloating? Oh shit! I'm bloating! I'm going to kill that stupid monkey and that disgusting kappa if I get any stretch marks!"

"More hot tea? I'll see if I can get a warm compress--"

"Yes! And do we have any frosted chocolate cornflakes with sardines on toast? Dammit! This is *beyond* undignified!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Somewhere else . . .

"Ne, Gojyo? You sure this is the right way?"

"Well, she said follow the game trail . . ." the kappa muttered.

But the woman had not mentioned the brambles, the thorn bushes and the insects. All of which were irritating and nasty on top of travelling with the stupid monkey.

"Hey look!" Goku shouted and pointed excitedly at the side of the road.

They had finally came across a sign that stated "Magic Spring--1 more mile!"

But a little further on, there was another sign--just a little larger than the first one. "Magic Spring--3/4 mile more!"

And then: "Visit the Magic Spring--1/2 mile more!"

"Magic Spring Souvenir Gift Shoppe--1/4 mile more!"

"Think this is it?" Goku asked when they got to a billboard that proclaimed "Magic Spring" in neon yellow letters twenty feet high.

"Let's see . . . water running out of a bunch of rocks--yep, should be it. Let's go and--"

But their progress was interrupted when a youkai in a cheap suit popped out of a hastily thrown tin of plot-device-in-a-can.

"Welcome to the Magic Spring(TM)!"

"Er . . ."

"Would you like to buy a souvenir?"

"We--"

"How about postcards?"

"--just--"

"Commemorative pictures mounted on a plate?"

"--want--"

"Souvenir Certificate?"

"--the--"

"How about the 'Someone went to the Magic Spring and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' shirt?"

"--water . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Here's the aspirin, but no more than two." Hakkai had learned the hard way that adding "because you're pregnant" to the end of sentences tended to set Sanzo's fuse off.

"You're too nice, Hakkai."

And don't I know it, Hakkai sighed mentally.

"You're too nice . . . sometimes, you're so fucking nice, you should just paint *Welcome* on your back and lie down on the doorstep of the universe for everyone to step on!"

"That," Hakkai said after blinking for a few seconds, "was uncalled for."

"Yes . . . I suppose you're right . . ."

For just a second there, Hakkai was momentarily stunned. "Eh?" he wondered, not quite believing his ears.

"It must be all these damned hormones!" Sanzo actually looked as though he was about to break down and cry. "Hakkai! Why do I feel like I want a hug? And my stuffed toy kitty Tama that I used to have when I was four?"

Hakkai could feel his smile becoming strained. The accelerated cycling mood swings were getting rather tiring . . .

* * * * * * * * *

The weary pair of Magic Spring water seekers arrived back at the river to find a frazzled Hakkai and an increasingly whiney Sanzo grumbling about water retention.

"Here--we got it," Goku said, waving a plastic bottle with a neon-coloured label on it. "It was *awful*--we had to get past that tour guide guy . . . and the queue at the drinks stand . . . ugh."

"But you got it, so Sanzo will be all right soon and we can leave this place," Hakkai said with false cheer. And before any more weird old grannies brought any more of their friends over to gape, he added silently.

Sanzo, however, stared at the bottle suspiciously. "I'm not sure about this . . ."

Trying not to grind his teeth together, Hakkai tilted his head politely. "Pardon?"

"I mean, those two numbskulls probably couldn't tell a magic spring from a latrine--"

"Oi!" Gojyo hollered, trying to escape from Hakkai's restraining arms (which he normally liked, but that wasn't the point here) to get at the monk. "You try getting past a youkai with the persistence of a door-to-door salesman! Stinking priest! I don't care if he's pregnant or not--he's *not* a woman and I'm going to pound him--"

"Sanzo, at least try it--it'll all end soon. Really," Hakkai said desperately.

"Really? But what if I want to keep it later on--"

"Gojyo, Goku . . .on my count . . ."

It took a little more tussling and Hakkai pinching Sanzo's nose to get his mouth open, but they managed to get most of the bottle's contents into the monk.

Sanzo spluttered, coughed and swore. Then stopped as a peculiar expression crossed his face. They waited expectantly, but were slightly disappointed when the cure did not produce any spectacular or blackmail-worthy reactions out of the priest.

Said priest started to straighten his robes, a blood vessel throbbing under his eye as he surreptitiously checked that his abdomen was still washboard-flat.

"It didn't happen. Anyone who utters a word about it will die," Sanzo said in a low, extremely level voice.

He turned and found himself face to face with Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku grinning from ear to ear.

"I said, not one fucking word! Do you understand!?!" he bellowed.

"Hai, Sanzo-houshi-sama!" they replied, smirks firmly in place.

Sanzo twitched. "I'm going to kill the whole freakin' lot of you morons--"

They did eventually get along on their way to the west. Sanzo got tired of chasing them after a while and they piled back into Jipu and meandered off into the sunset (as usual).

* * * * * * * * * *

Much later that night . . .

"You owe me," Hakkai whispered in Gojyo's ear.

"I do?" Gojyo asked innocently.

"Big time. You left me to babysit Sanzo all afternoon . . ." Hakkai shuddered. "I think I've been traumatised for life."

"Umm, let's see about paying up, okay? Sha Gojyo always pays his debts."

"That's not what I heard from the guys at the bar you went to back at home . . ."

"Sore losers, the lot of them. Aaahh . . . um, *that* is definitely a good place to start . . ."

"And I plan to collect interest, too."

* * * * * * * * * *

The End

Note-type thingies:

I wish I could claim this as my own idea, but it's not a really original idea to begin with. To spread the blame around . . :

1) Approximately 430 (give or take a decade) years ago, Wu Cheng'en wrote the 100-chapter novel, "Xi You Ji"/"Journey to the West" compiled from popular folklore and mythology. In Chapter Fifty-Three, the Sanzo character (Tang Sanzang) and his disciples cross a river which was so clear and inviting that he and the Hakkai character (Zhu Bajie--who looked and behaved like a pig) had a nice refreshing drink. But they had just entered the "Womanland of Western Liang" and the river was the "Motherhood River", which the women of that land used to get with child (due to a *serious* lack of the Y chromosome in their country). So the two guys got pregnant, leaving the other two to go find the cure from a magic spring. (I am not making this up . . .) How could anyone resist playing around with an idea like *that*? And Sanzo preggers is twice the fun of Hakkai preggers, so . . .

2) Present day: This fic was also partially inspired by all the fics I've read involving male pregnancies that amuse my inner hentai yaoi fangirl and makes my inner biology student scream.

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