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The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land by Eline
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The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land


By Eline (Kanz' on ff.net)


Warnings: Men Behaving Badly. Some truly horrible innuendo and Freudian imagery. Bishies in drag. Bondage. Hentai yaoi fangirls by the metric tonne. Gratuitous references to other anime/manga. Mutilation of myth and clichés. All in very bad taste.


Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes may cause lung cancer. (But that doesn’t matter if you're a skinny anime biseinen with a truckload of angst and a fetish for standing out in the rain to brood. In fact, they can also chug beer and sake without getting liver cirrhosis . . . So, where do you sign up to be one?)


* * * * * * * * * *


Sometime after that fiasco with the Motherhood River--which had been around three fanfics ago--the four intrepid--I mean two and a half youkai and one . . . No, that's one and half youkai, one and a half humans and one stone monkey (to be exact) were still--


What? Oh sod.


Wait . . .


One half-human and half youkai, one former human who was now a youkai, one real-honest-to-Kami human and one stone monkey were heading west.


So they were travelling. Travelling, travelling (*snore*) and travelling because it would be really boring if they could get there by air and skip all the angst and character development that's apparently more important than stopping Whatshisface's resurrection.


"Ah--there's a city up ahead," Hakkai pointed out.


"I'm out of cigarettes," Sanzo said pointedly.


"Food!"


"Beer!"


"Hai, hai . . . A detour then," Hakkai said with a fixed smile. (It should be noted that at the rate they were going, it might actually take the whole fourteen years to get to the west as in the original novel.)


The city had high walls and there was an orderly queue at the main gates under the sign "Customs Inspection". Jeep got in line behind a wagonload of chickens and it was not long before they reached the gate.


"Welcome to the capital. Please state if this is your first visit," said the woman behind the counter in a way that suggested that she had said it a thousand other times that day.


"First visit, I believe," Hakkai replied.


At this, the woman at their counter looked up and the other gatekeepers squeaked and started chattering excitedly amongst themselves.


"Ano . . . Excuse me, miss? We're travellers making a stopover," Hakkai said.


"Oh . . . right! Right . . . um, anything to declare? Dangerous or prohibited substances? Any weapons?"


"Hey, if a girl wants to see a weapon, I'd be happy to oblige--" Gojyo began before Hakkai elbowed him in the ribs.


"Excuse me, but are weapons forbidden?"


"Oh no, we just keep a record and give you a receipt."


So everyone rummaged around in spandex space to dig out various weapons.


"You wanna know what this can do? I give demonstrations . . ." Gojyo was still flirting with the checkpoint girls as they were issued receipts for one gun, one staff, one shaku jou and one small white dragon (which the checkpoint girls had cooed over because he was "kawaii").


"Gojyo--I think we should go now." Something about Hakkai's level gaze contrived to imply that Gojyo could spend long, lonely evenings polishing his weapon all by himself if that went on any longer.


"Okay, okay--going now . . ."


They entered the city and there was a bazaar just inside. Sanzo and Gojyo could spot a cigarette stand from two hundred metres away, so restocking on coffin nails was no problem. Relatively at ease, they went window shopping in the bazaar. Which had some really interesting goods other than cigarettes.


Goods which could be neatly summed up by:


"I didn't know that there could actually *be* thirty-eight flavours of lube . . ." Hakkai murmured.


"Mmmmm . . . Chocolate flavour," Gojyo said. "If we go shopping afterwards, let's get some--oh Kami . . ."


"Oh dear . . . there're some things that children shouldn't see," Hakkai said as he covered Goku's eyes when they passed by a stall of some really interesting . . . er, toys.


"Hey--what's that? Oi Hakkai, lemme see!" Goku yelled as they dragged him past the world's most interesting collection of battery-operated gadgets. "I'm already eighteen plus five hundred for goodness sake!"


"Age is no indication of mental maturity. You're a prime example," Sanzo said, lighting up another cigarette as they passed by more stalls selling bootlegs of videos with titles like "Ai no Kusabi" and "Bronze/Zetsuai".


"Is it just me, or is there something odd here?" Gojyo wondered.


"It's because they're all women here, stupid kappa," Sanzo said with an irritated snort. "Fancy *you* not noticing it. Or remembering what some other character told us about three fanfics ago"


"Haven't seen any men at all," Goku added. "Wonder why?"


"Hello, strangers! You look lost. Want a tour of the town?" asked a perky voice from behind them.


* * * * * * * * * *


It had given them a shock. It had been entirely unexpected.


Which was why the gatekeepers let the group consisting of one monk, one kappa, one smiling guy, one monkey and one small and kawaii white dragon through before rifling around frantically under the counter for the book of Emergency Procedures.


* * * * * * * * * *


There were two women standing behind them. The one on the left waved cheerfully.


The one on the right wore a shirt declaring that "Sith Lords Kick Ass" and the other was sporting a tee that proclaimed her "Another Fan of the H". They were both grinning like Christmas, New Year and the Lunar New Year had all come at once, with naughty toys involved.


All in all, it was rather scary.


"Er, we're just looking around . . ."


"Nonsense! We're the official Welcome Wagon!" chirped the one on the right. "I'm Yuki--"


"And I'm Suki! We had a third member, but Yuri is at home with a cold today. Welcome to our city! Here's a brochure!"


"So . . . this place really doesn't have any men at all?"


"Of course! You're the first males to enter the city since those other guys about a month back."


"And what happened to *them*?" Hakkai had the sense to ask.


"Oh, there was this cute kid who came through muttering something about getting a shikigami, but we didn't have any. When we offered to show him around the bazaar, he turned a really cute shade of red and left," Yuki told him.


"And don't forget the guy chasing after him," Suki reminded her friend.


"Oh yeah--there was the other cute goofy guy with the violet eyes who was looking for the kid. We offered him loads of apple pie, but he left after going through about ten of them."


"And the other white-haired guy chasing them," Suki squealed. "He was gorgeous!"


"He seemed to be more interested in the violet-eyed guy though . . . not that I blame him." And they giggled. Which was even more scary. Our intrepid foursome started to inch away by degrees.


"Ano, we'd better get a move on . . ." Hakkai began with an apologetic smile.


Suki pouted in an alarming fashion. "Oh, we have to give you a tour! So few people actually let us--especially cute strangers!"


"Hey, maybe they're . . ." Yuki started whispering into Suki's ear, which caused an even more alarming grin to appear.


In times of danger, the boys' well-honed survival instincts would come into play and those instincts were yelling at them to run away at maximum speed. Right about *now*. But Suki and Yuki were even faster.


"Are you . . . like, *yaoi*?" they asked breathlessly, glomping onto Gojyo.


"Er . . ." Gojyo had no idea which reply would land him in hotter water.


"Or *bi* bishounens?" The two girls began to squeal happily. "Are you? Are you?"


Going redder than his hair, Gojyo looked at Hakkai for help. Hakkai was *not* about to volunteer himself. "Er . . ."


"Because if you are . . . can we watch?"


And Gojyo had a nosebleed right there when he noticed the elaborate video equipment the hentai yaoi fangirls were lugging behind them.


"Oh dear," Hakkai murmured as he caught Gojyo. The kappa was going for the gold with a spray radius of 1.47 metres.


"Kyyaaaaaaaa!" the pair of crazy women shrieked and whipped out a Polaroid camera.


* * * * * * * * * *


It was there, of course. It had always been there but no one had used it for ages.


It took a little while to find it, but at the back of the Emergency Procedures was the section entitled "What To Do If Any Males Show Up".


The instructions were specific, to the point and there was even a big red button to push.


Somewhere else, an alarm started to ring.


* * * * * * * * * *


"Hakkai, get the stupid kappa up and drag him along if you have to," Sanzo snapped. "We're leaving."


"Without lunch?" Goku asked plaintively. "Could we pllleeeaaaaasssseee stop for lunch? Please, please, please--"


Thwap!


"No! We're leaving and that's that!"


"Oh, that's mean!" Suki exclaimed. "He's a growing boy after all!"


"Five hundred and eighteen years--now that's *slow* growth," Gojyo muttered as he recovered from the last bout of nasal blood loss. "Eh? What's that?"


There was a commotion up ahead, apparently caused by the appearance of a massive stretch-limo accompanied by a large fire engine.


"Ah, news spreads fast," Yuki observed.


"Ano . . . what news?"


"Oh, this and that . . ." Suki said, vacillating somewhere between nervousness and the unnatural perkiness she had been exhibiting. "Ah, there's the royal herald . . . She had to use that fire engine since the budget didn't cover chariots."


"Make way for the Grand Vizier!" the herald called. When this failed to budge the crowd, she resorted to the less polite but more effective bellow of: "Move you silly sods! I've got a high-pressure hose and I'm not afraid to use it!"


"And that's an advantage too . . ."


"Sanzo--we should definitely go now," Hakkai suggested as the herald's vehicle got closer. And they would have fled the scene, except for the inconvenient crowd that had popped up around them.


"Ano, excuse me . . . please let us through . . ."


"Coming through--whoops, sorry . . . Hakkai--that was an accident, I swear! I didn't mean to grab her bu--"


"I'm hunggrrryyyy! I'm sooo hungry I'm going to pass out before we even get out of here!"


Sanzo looked like he would have preferred a fire engine with a high-pressure hose.


They had not even made three feet of progress before the fire engine barrelled past them and the limo pulled up at the curb, disgorging several feet of faux leather carpeting and the supposed Grand Vizier.


"She looks sort of scary," Goku whispered.


"I have a bad feeling about this . . ."


"Oh, and why would you feel that?" Suki asked, still smiling fixedly.


"Maybe it's the riding crop," Gojyo suggested.


"Maybe it's because normal women don't normally wear that much leather at one go," Sanzo observed.


"Maybe it's because Grand Viziers are inevitably evil," Hakkai said. "Well, they mostly are according to Disney and Terry Pratchett," he said when they all looked at him quizzically.


"Hakkai, you've been watching the Disney Channel again, haven't you?" Gojyo said with a groan. "You and me have got to talk about that someday when we're not facing scary women togged in leather . . ."


The woman in leathers--leathers that were so well-oiled that they didn't creak--approached and it should be noted that the crowd parted like the Red Sea and Suki and Yuki made themselves scarce after a hastily muttered, "Mission accomplished. Bye now!"


"Right--down to business," the Grand Vizier, unfurling a ten-foot long silk scroll. "Hear ye, hear ye and all that rubbish . . . Oi, don't walk away when someone's talking to you!"


"Who, us?" Gojyo asked innocently as they attempted to squeezed their way backwards through the crowd at their backs.


"Yes, you! We're in need of one royal consort, due to the overall shortage of males and whatnot," the Vizier announced, peering at them over the edge of the scroll. "You four! You're under consideration. Consider yourselves honoured!"


"Oi, wait a minute--"


"We can do this the easy way, or the hard way," purred the woman in leather. "Personally, I prefer the hard way . . ."


"Eek."


"Indeed . . . it's not like we're not open for negotiations," Hakkai said quickly.


"Hakkai--"


"They are innocent humans after all, Sanzo," Hakkai whispered to the priest. "You can't just shoot them."


When did morals ever get in the way of him shooting *anyone*? Goku and Gojyo wondered privately.


"So what do we do now?" Goku asked.


"We play along for now, stupid ape," Gojyo said through a very fake smile.


"Negotiations?" the Grand Vizier asked.


"Oh yes. We're on a mission from the Powers That Be, but I think we could spare one of our number," Hakkai said.


"And who would that be?"


"Why Chou An's very own Genjo Sanzo . . ."


"What the f--"


"He's just being shy. Ignore anything he says--it's just a fit of nerves." Gojyo had Sanzo in a headlock.


"A monk? You've got to be kidding--"


"Ah, but there's a higher chance of him being a virgin, right?"


Sanzo's outraged growls grew even louder.


"Oh shut up, Sanzo . . . we'll get you out . . . eventually," Gojyo said, still managing to find ways to irk the priest in situations like this. He raised his voice to address the Vizier. "He's no ordinary priest, lady. I mean, not in the conventional sense. Normal rules don't apply to him. This here is a first-class, high-ranking piece of as--I mean a high-ranking priest! We're just his lackeys . . . um, so we're--"


"--peasants," Hakkai supplied helpfully.


"Yeah. Peasants. And we were being oppressed by arrogant high-ranking monks too . . . Um, besides, I've got a commitment-phobia with women. I sleep around all the time," Gojyo said and threw in the real kicker. "And I fart in bed and can't be arsed to put out the garbage on the right day."


"I've got deep-seated emotional problems and I was so scarred by my past that I thought I could never love again," Hakkai said. "Attractive as that might sound to most females, I'm afraid I've already found solace in the arms of another man." And he elbowed Goyjo discretely.


"Oh--um, right!" Gojyo said hurriedly.


There was many a gushy sigh over this proclamation of shounen ai and an equal number of mutters of "Dammit! The good ones are always either taken or gay!" from the crowd.


"Ummm . . . I'm too young and all I think about is food?" Goku suggested when all eyes turned towards him.


A heavy pause.


Goku sweat-dropped. "I'm a monkey, okay? And Sanzo always says I'm immature, so there!"


If looks could kill, Sanzo's glare would have turned the lot of them into itty-bitty little specks of charred dust.


"Hmmm, it does seem that there's only one possible choice . . . It's a good thing he's the cutest one too."


"Hey--what do you--" Gojyo began heatedly before Hakkai stomped on his foot.


"So, would you let us through your city then?"


"Hmm . . . His phallic symbol is sort of small though. . ."


If both Gojyo and Hakkai had not been sitting on Sanzo at that time, there would have been casualties and blood in the street.


"Ah, but you know what they say about the size of the phallic symbol . . ." Hakkai said swiftly, ignoring the dirty look that Gojyo directed at him. "It's what you do with it that counts--Sanzo's gun packs a punch. And you haven't seen what his Sutra can do--"


"Hey, how'd you know that?" Gojyo asked suspiciously through the influx of innuendoes. He was still smarting from the perceived crack at his phallic symbol.


"Gojyo, just play along . . ." Hakkai continued a little desperately. "Good with children and cute little animals too!"


"Right--we'll take him then."


"He's non-refundable," Gojyo muttered, letting go of one really irate priest. Said priest would have kicked his ass halfway into next Wednesday, but was grabbed by the leather-clad Vizier and tipped backwards into her car--and into the hands of her handcuff-wielding lackeys (who wore outfits that could have made Chocolate and Tira Misu from BH blush)


Goku and Hakkai made don't-worry-we'll-sort-this-out and other reassuring gestures at Sanzo, who wasn't having that much fun at the moment, really, unless he was the kind of guy who liked that sort of thing with handcuffs and leather.


"So, we can go now?"


"Yeah, sure--here's your Get-The-Hell-Out-Of-Here Pass. Now you can be on your way to the western gate then . . ."


There was something about the way she was grinning that made them uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than usual, I mean.


"There wouldn't be any trouble getting to the western gate, would there?" Hakkai asked uncertainly.


"Oh no . . . unless you mean *them*," the Vizier said, indicating the crowd of drooling women around them.


"*What*?"


"Hey, since you're not consort material, you're up for grabs," the Vizier said with a sly grin. "Unless anyone wants the job as the cabana boy on my river barge?"


"Um, we'll pass?"


"Have it your way. It's Open Season, girls!" the Vizier called out before stepping into the car and ordering the driver to step on it.


"Uh-oh . . . I have a bad feeling about this, Hakkai . . ."


* * * * * * * * * *


And we couldn't just leave Sanzo like that . . .


"Now to make sure you're mentally prepared for this, here's a list of requirements." The Grand Vizier brought out another scroll that was at least three inches thick. "Seeing as you're sort of tied up at the moment, I'll have to read it to you."


A glare was all she got in reply.


"Ahem . . . One: As a royal consort, virginity is optional. Two: If said consort is, in fact, a virgin, then look to number three. Three: A copy of the unabridged Kama Sutra will be provided in case." She obligingly dropped a telephone-directory-sized original first edition of the Kama Sutra with the illustrations and diagrams that did not quite make it into the Penguin Classics edition into Sanzo's lap. "Four: Contribution to the royal lineage--which is not necessary but extremely desirable because it adds to the gene pool. Five: Duties of the consort--"


Sanzo had tuned her out by the time she got to number eighteen--which had something to do with chocolate sauce and an eggbeater--and concentrated on trying to chew through the gag while plotting to kill his erstwhile companions.


* * * * * * * * * *


"You're not the only one, Gojyo," Hakkai said, eyeing the mob warily.


"I'm not so hungry anymore . . ."


"Diversion?"


"Oh, if you would so kind . . ."


"Hey--isn't that Ewan McGregor over there?"


They took advantage of the crowd's momentary distraction to make a break for it. But it was never *that* easy.


"Oh Kami . . . is that a retro disco beat?" Gojyo wondered as they ran like heck. That question was soon answered when they turned the corner and found themselves outmanoeuvred. "Shit!"


Yuki, standing on a retro platform and wielding a microphone on a stand with deadly intent. She winked at them and started to sing with a pseudo-accent.


Half past twelve


And I'm watchin' the late show


In my flat all alone


How I hate to spend the evening on my own


Autumn winds


Blowin' outside my window


As I look around the room


And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom


There's not a soul out there


No one to hear my prayer . . .



And then a troupe of anime girls from the missing fanservice episode popped up to take on the chorus:


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!


A man after midnight


Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! A man after midnight


Take me through the darkness to the break of the day!


"Run!" Gojyo yelled and took off with Hakkai and Goku keeping up with very little prompting.


In a scene that would have looked a lot better animated (but for the low budget of this fanfic), they almost ran right into Suki and her troupe of anime girls at the other end of the street.


Movie stars


Find the end of the rainbow


With a fortune to win


It's so different from the world I'm livin' in


Tired of TV


I open the window


And I gaze into the night


But there's nothing there to see


No one in sight


There's not a soul out there


No one to hear my prayer . . .


They were off before the chorus could start up, desperately seeking an escape route while being chased by hentai yaoi fangirls and bands of karaoke-crazy anime girls in a sequence that would have been more amusing if animated.


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!


A man after midnight


Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!


A man after midnight


Take me through the darkness to the break of the day!


"When . . . will it . . . end . . .?" Hakkai groaned as they ducked down another alleyway.


"I dunno . . . Just run!"


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!


A man after midnight


Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!


A man after midnight!


"In here!" Hakkai slipped through a very narrow gap between two walls and because they were such skinny anime bishies, they all managed to squeeze through.


"Whew!" Goku gasped as they emerged in a courtyard filled with clotheslines. "I think we can hide here for a while. I'm tired because I haven't had any food!"


"Argh . . . I never thought I'd be running away from women . . ." Gojyo shuddered. "But that wasn't natural, I'll tell you . . . So now what?"


"We need to figure out how to get Sanzo out. I imagine he wouldn't be very happy with us," said Hakkai, calmly making the understatement of the century.


"Do we have to?"


"Yes!" Goku said. "But maybe some lunch first?"


"Hmmm . . . But we need to be able to move around here without drawing attention," Hakkai said and he turned his gaze on the clotheslines.


"Oh no . . . Oh no!" Gojyo protested as Hakkai's plans became obvious. "You're not making me put on a--"


But Hakkai was already advancing on Gojyo with a gleam in his visible eye.


"No . . . Hakkai--nnnooooooooooo!"


So as it turned out--and Gojyo was wont to say in the days after that incident--Hell was here. With ABBA songs.


* * * * * * * * * *


Somewhere else, Chou An's hottest piece of a--I mean highest ranking monk--was thinking most unmonkly thoughts about offing all three youkai, to heck with the Heavenly orders and the bloody mission.


Of course, it was all their fault he was stuck here with a bunch of psychotic leather-clad women. He *knew* that youkai were not trustworthy and he would love to tell the Talking Heads "I told you so". Just let him get out of this before anyone had a chance to implement number forty-three. Or fifty-one. The way that that awful Vizier woman had read out number fifty-one was just . . . *evil*.


And that mad woman had already got past number sixty-nine (which was in fact . . . um, 69 . . .) on the list and gone on all the way to number eight-four--which was something involving Pocky sticks (in the 3 most popular three flavours, sans nuts) that didn't bear thinking about.


Sanzo had thought up several long, drawn out deaths involving a quantity of Celine Dion CDs and a tonne of pickled herring, but skipped those in favour of nukes to fry the entire fanfic out of existence. So after he had got out of this mess, he would have to figure out how to breach the Fourth Wall and get into an anime/manga series that had nuclear capabilities . . .


* * * * * * * * * *


This socially-unredeeming badfic was so long, it had to be split into parts.


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