A simple sappy fic. Sanzo + Hakkai. Just because. No spectacular writing here, so go read Respice Finem if that was what you were looking for.

[A little later] Err.... wait a minute.

Right. My first R fic, rated for Sanzo abuse. Bad sf, badddddd.

Impossibility
By sf
Begun : July 09 2003

Rating : R
Dark, violence, gory, angsty.

It has every thing to do with practicality.

Maybe elsewhere it's written that we're on a joyride, having the time of our lives. Maybe elsewhere it's written that we're invincible, fending off each attack with ease. Maybe elsewhere it's written that this mission is a simple affair.

But whatever they whisper our path or our aftermath -- it is none of these. It is a mission given to mortals, and it is anything but simple.

Oh, it's been said before, that love makes the heart stronger, and that love gives strength unparalleled. It's been said, usually by lovesick teenage poets, sitting by some fountain in perfect comfort and safety, or by romantics who never had to stare down the jaws of death.

But you'll never hear it said from those who could not save the ones they loved.

You'll never hear it from those fighting for the right to live another day.

We have enemies -- the common youkai gone crazy from the Minus Wave, the common humans gone crazy from the youkai threat, the minions who don't have half a brain. Then behind them stand the more powerful youkai, even the gods -- Kougaiji, Homura -- powerful enemies, but simple. They are a threat, but mere strength can be defeated. No, it is the ones who stand behind them, the ones hidden in shadow; the manipulators. And they are the ones we have never seen, who track our every move and ponder our every weakness.

Love is an emotion, and emotions can always be manipulated.

It is easy for the kappa and his one night stands. No long relationships, no commitment, no love. Nothing to work with there. Kill the woman he screwed last night and he might feel a tinge of regret for the loss of pretty bed partner. But there's always a replacement. (No, don't believe a word he says; he'll be all hung up about it for a while, sure, but he'll get over it. And then there'll be another pretty damsel... and the cycle repeats. Ad infinitum ad nauseum.)

It is easy for the monkey, who's idea of love is -- Oh, pretty -- or -- Oh, great cook. No attachment, no levers, no strings. Nothing to manipulate there either. Thank goodness no one has seen fit to manipulate his feelings for me. Too dangerous, perhaps; he is the Seiten Taisei, and unlike us, he lacks weakness or inhibition in his natural form. He is, and there is nothing you can manipulate in that singular existence.

But you can pull the strings of a human, or a former human, and that -- that is what they wait for. That is what they look for -- a crack, a turn, a preference; anything that will serve their purposes.

It has everything to do with practicality.

Love is the simplest of all emotions to manipulate.

...And therefore, we could love -- but we do not.

***

"Sanzo?"

There was no answer, so Hakkai knocked again. He thought he heard noise within, a scuffle, but the walls in the inn were so thick...

"Sanzo?"

It was quite unlike the priest not to answer. Then again, it was quite unlike the priest not to join them for dinner, given that it wasn't raining. He tried the doorknob; it was locked.

Frowning, Hakkai raised his hand to knock once more...

...and froze.

There. A tendril of air stirred in the stillness of the corridor, just enough to carry a familiar scent to his nose--

--thought sanctioned action before he even realized what he was doing. Light exploded from his fingertips, smashing through the wooden door to illuminate the room beyond.

And Hakkai stepped into a nightmare.

***

"Sanzo?"

It had been three days. Three miserable days of constant vigil, of bandaging and rebandaging wounds, of hoping and despairing.

He closed his eyes and saw the scene again--

They'd tried to eat him alive.

It had been three days. If Sanzo did not awake soon... if the sun rose on another day...

"We lose him," Hakkai murmured.

He'd still been conscious when Hakkai had finished depatching the attackers. He'd latched onto Hakkai, fingers digging onto into his arm, jaw locked solid against the scream that must have been trying to break out. Hakkai had taken a deep breath and knocked him out. It seemed the kinder option.

Later, Gojyo pointed out the streaks of blood where someone had been dragged... or tried to crawl... across the floor. Both of Sanzo's legs had been broken. Hakkai and Goku had set out, tracked the youkai back to their den and slaughtered every last one of them.

And then, only then, had the white-hot anger faded, becoming panic, and finally falling into despair.

***

The whisper was so faint that he thought he was still dreaming. But when he felt the slightest touch against the arm resting on the bed, Hakkai shot bolt awake.

Sanzo wasn’t looking at him. He was still flat on his back -- there hadn’t been anyway to place him that wouldn’t put pressure on some injury or other -- but he’d moved. Flung his right arm -- the one marginally less shredded -- over his eyes to block out the light.

His lips moved. The bare whisper of a question. "How long?"

"Three days," Hakkai replied.

"Get me a painkiller."

Hakkai reached for the bottle. The town had been large enough to have a herbalist, and the herbalist had... had left a large supply.

"It’ll knock you out again," Hakkai warned. The priest did not even bother to answer.

Hakkai administered the drug, and returned to waiting.

***

"He never asks for painkillers," Gojyo said incredulously.

"I know," Hakkai replied.

"Get some sleep, you. I’ll watch over his royal highness."

"Gojyo," Hakkai sighed. "Don’t call him that."

"What? He is The Sanzo Houshi sama and all that..."

"Even so."

"And he calls me a kappa all the time. Cockroach, if he’s in an especially good mood."

"...Just, wait until he’s well enough to argue back."

"Yeah, no point kicking an opponent while he’s down, right?" Gojyo pulled a second chair up and sat down. "But say, Hakkai, what’s up with you?"

"Nothing." Hakkai looked up, slightly surprised. "What makes you think--"

Gojyo glanced down at the bed. "Sanzo’s been cut up pretty badly before. I’ve never seen you this worried."

"I’m not worried," Hakkai lied through his teeth.

"Oh yes you are. And ..." he paused. "That night... when you went out with Goku after those youkai... no, even that night when the attack happened..." he took a deep breath. "I’ve never seen you like that before. I’ve never seen that look in your eyes. Not even when you went after Chin Iisou."

Hakkai turned away.

"They weren’t trying to kill him. They could have killed him... anytime they wanted."

A hand rested upon his shoulder. Gojyo gave him a friendly squeeze. "I know. But he’ll live, won’t he?"

"He might not. He lost far too much blood... and this time, there isn’t a goddess to provide a transfusion."

"He’s tough. He’ll live. He’s too stubborn to die."

"I hope so," Hakkai whispered.

"Come on, you need your rest too, you know."

Hakkai didn’t move. "Why didn’t we hear anything?"

Gojyo shuffled his feet. "Thick walls. Noisy common room. Very noisy common room, involving a bar brawl... remember?"

"But we should have heard the gun shots... he discharged the whole magazine..."

"...not if it happened while those jerks were smashing the table."

"We shouldn’t have left him alone."

"Listen, Hakkai, he wanted his privacy. Hell, all of us wanted our privacy. We’ve been stuck in Jiipu for almost a week before we reached this town. We were all getting homophobic and claustrophobic and each-other-phobic..."

Hakkai sighed, and straightened up. "I guess I’ve been too worried, that’s all." He ventured a hesistant smile at Gojyo. "I should be happy that he even woke up. I’m sorry... I’ve been imposing upon you and Goku."

"Aw, you know that I don’t care about shit like that..."

"Thank you."

***

"...kai..."

"He’s not here," Gojyo said. "My name’s Sha Gojyo, and I’ll be your nursemaid for today."

Sanzo didn’t even open his eyes. One hand began to clutch spasmodically at the sheets. The other was clenched tight.

"Do you want your medicine?"

"No."

"Oh, alright, I get it. You need a prettier nurse, is that it? Won’t take medicine from the ugly old kappa..."

Sanzo summoned the strength to mutter an expletive.

"Ah, that’s more like the bad ass that I know. An cuss a day keeps the doctor away, you know? A few more of those and you won’t even need your medicine any more."

"Shut up, Gojyo."

"Excellent! You’re almost in top form. Nothing like a bit of being pissy in the mornings to kick off the day, eh?"

"You’re on a roll today," Hakkai observed from the doorway. Gojyo jumped, and looked around sheepishly.

"Eh, I thought you were sleeping."

"I tend to wake up when people trouble my patients," Hakkai said smoothly. "Come on, it’s evening. You go and get some rest."

"Well--" Hakkai could almost see the wheels turning in Gojyo’s head as he tried to think up an excuse.

"Or do you actually enjoy being a nurse maid that much?" Hakkai asked.

"Well... now that you mention it... but how about the ape? He hasn’t had his turn yet. Hey, I’ll get the--"

"--no need. He’ll fall asleep on the job, anyway," Hakkai said. Another lie, of course. It was always easy to lie when you said it confidently and smiled. The world trusted people who smiled. "Now, Gojyo, if you please..."

Gojyo rose and passed him a metaphysical baton as he headed for the door. But he did pause for a moment. "Don’t get yourself hurt again because of someone else," Gojyo warned. "Or I’ll have to be your nursemaid... and that won’t be pretty."

"Agreed," Hakkai replied. "Good night."

"Good night."

Hakkai strode over to the bedside. Blood was seeping across the white again. He stared it, momentarily fascinated.

He shook himself, willing the memory away.

"Sanzo?" he called softly, but the priest was unconscious again.

***

And he sees in me what I see which is what I see in him

The one thing that we share:

The night, and the blood, and the pounding of the rain outside

And

***
TBC
***

A/N :