My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 4

Overflow

Three more days pass, and the weather in the village remains oppresively hot and heavy. Sanzo's sessions with the mystic continue relentlessly, twice each day, and have left him exhausted as a result. Each time seems to trigger a splitting headache along with the memories that it conjures up in his mind, memories that are more like haunting spirits that refuse to be ignored.

Most of his time awake is spent either staring off into space, hopelessly lost in images and thoughts of the distant past, or in meditation, when he manages to pull himself back to reality enough to concentrate on attempting to make sense of all this disjointed information his mind is receiving.

As for Goku, he's starting to worry that maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But Sanzo is obviously determined, so what else can he do but stand by and watch, hoping that everything turns out all right and Sanzo eventually finds whatever it is that he seems to be seeking.

XXX

The evening of the third day, not long before Goku knows Sanzo will be going out to meet with the fortune-teller again, finds the two of them sitting in their room quietly, as has become the routine. Sanzo is sitting at the little table, Goku on the bed, their usual positions, when Goku's ears perk up at the sound of Sanzo's voice. Sanzo seems to be mumbling something to himself, but Goku can't quite make out the indistinct words.

"Sanzo?"

There is no response as the muttering continues, gradually becoming clearer as Sanzo seems to become more intent on what he's trying to say. Listening to Sanzo talking to himself in such a strange and uncharacteristic manner invokes an uncomfortably eerie feeling in Goku, and the words aren't making any kind of sense that he can fathom at all.

"No, no, no, it wasn't, it was him. Konzen, not Sanzo. I didn't have a choice. I would never... No! It wasn't me, it wasn't... NO!"

Goku flinches in alarm when Sanzo suddenly shouts out the last word before lapsing into silence once again, breathing heavily as though stressed.

Goku softly calls out to him from across the room, his voice pitched high with audible concern.

"Sanzo? You okay?"

When he still gets no response, he can't bring himself to just leave it at that. Getting up from the bed, he crosses the room until he stands just behind Sanzo's chair.

"Sanzo?"

At the sound of Goku's voice, Sanzo jumps and turns to him with a startled expression, as if he hadn't even been aware of Goku's approach. For a moment they just look into each other's eyes, each searching the other for answers to questions left unspoken. Then, Sanzo squints those brilliantly coloured eyes of his as if trying to see something that isn't clearly visible, and slowly raises one black-gloved arm. For a moment, Goku thinks he's going to be hit, but instead, Sanzo just grabs a hold of Goku's shirt, twisting the fabric in a tightly clenched fist.

The look that he has glued on Goku is so intent, so deep and searching, it makes Goku's head swim. Sanzo's lips begin to tremble slightly, as if he is trying to say something but can't quite make his mouth work enough to get the words out. After a moment, he seems to give up the effort,his face going blank and hard. The intensity of his eyes diminishes, although it doesn't vanish entirely. His grip on Goku's clothing loosens, and he gives Goku a slight push backwards and away, turning his head and averting his eyes from the baffled boy.

For a moment, all Goku does is stand there, troubled by uncertainty and concern. His heart skips a beat as he realizes what he is about to do, before tentatively reaching out and placing a hand upon Sanzo's shoulder. Beneath his touch, Sanzo's body tenses and pulls away reflexively, but not enough to disengage the contact.

Encouraged by the relative lack of anticipated negative response, Goku builds up his resolve and speaks.

"Sanzo, I know you don't wanna talk about it, but... is it really that bad? A fortune's supposed to tell the future, right? Whatever it is... even if it's bad, I'll still be here. You won't have to face it alone."

At his words, Sanzo just turns to look at him, and his eyes are so absolutely haunted that it makes Goku's heart wrench in his chest.

"The future? Alone... No, no, this is the future, Goku. And you were there, but I wasn't. I left you alone. I couldn't protect...Shit! I can't, fucking can't!"

Sanzo shakes his head furiously, blond hair tossing into his face like wisps of fair silk, and brings one fist crashing down onto the table with a frustrated bang.

Confused, Goku steps back, his hand dislodged from its place on Sanzo's shoulder. He can only stare at his saviour as a bewildered witness to his internal struggle.

Yes, Sanzo is waging a war with himself, wanting to explain to Goku, explain everything, that he hadn't meant to abandon him, that that was the last thing he ever wanted to happen, and, most importantly, that he is so sorry, but no matter how hard he tries to force the words out, they simply refuse to come. Through it all, Goku is still just standing there with that innocent look on his face, with those huge, shiny eyes, so full of care, and suddenly he just can't take it any more. This is just too much, too soon. What Sanzo needs is for Goku to get out of his face, not to confront him about this right now.

He's not ready for this yet.

So, with a few deep breaths, he manages to get a shaky grip on his emotions, steeling himself for what he must do.

"Goku. You're bothering me. Go to bed."

"Sanzo?"

"I said leave me alone. Can't you listen when you're told what to do?"

Swallowing a sick feeling of disappointment and dismay, Goku turns and walks to the bed, feeling like a lump of bruised clay beneath Sanzo's harsh refusal to accept any kind of reassurance from him.

Goku has his own makeshift bed set up on the floor, but since they've been sharing this little room the last few strange days, it has somehow ended up not being used beyond the first day. Sanzo has neither the energy or the heart to fight or argue about sleeping arrangements, and, much to Goku's shock, has simply given up on trying to kick him out of the bed at night.

To Goku, pretending like he wants to steal the bed is just a matter of course. He never even seriously considered for one split second that Sanzo wouldn't be the one to get it. But last night,Goku had wound up unexpectedly lying with Sanzo next to him, although Sanzo hadn't ventured to share the space beneath the cover. He had come home after his evening session and just passed out without so much as a word shared between them. Of course, this new arrangement is fine with Goku, better than fine. In fact, all day has found Goku looking forward to a repeat of last night, when he had lain awake, filled with wonder as he gazed at the other man's sleeping face,enjoying his close proximity and the rare chance to just admire him to his heart's content.

Now, with a last streak of stubbornness born from a desperate desire to hold onto something that he has gained, he refuses the voice in his mind that tells him to retreat to his original place on the floor, and resolutely, if a little hesitantly, takes his place in the bed. Sanzo voices no objection, and he is thankful for that tiny blessing.

To Goku, it feels over these past few days as if something specialis taking place. Hehas actually started to feel closer to Sanzo than he ever has before, in a way that he doesn't even know how to describe, except that it feels nice. It feels right. Now, however, he can't help wondering if maybe Sanzo doesn't think it feels so nice As he lies here, buried under the cover, he wonders if maybe Sanzo thinks it's wrong.

Eventually, just as the lump inGoku's throat is becoming so large and uncomfortable that he feels he might choke, Sanzo stirs from his place and gathers himself to leave for his meeting with the lady in green.

As the door clicks shut behind his escaping form, Goku finally lets go of the deep sigh he has been keeping in his throat, and sucks in a long, shaky breath of miserable air.

XXX

She is so close now, so very close to what she seeks. This has turned out to be much more difficult than she ever imagined it would be, but the end is finally drawing near. And her subject is so intent on receiving the knowledge, that it has become easier to gain access to his mind.Sanzo is gradually surrendering his will, submitting to the process, which is in itself not an easy thing for him to do.

Although she is so weary now, after these several attempts,still she stretches her abilities to the limit once again, reaching deep.

Right there, right...

There.

Breakthrough!

She has managed to establish a direct link with the past life!

A rush of exhilaration washes over her as she realizes that her efforts have finally been successful.

At the same moment, Sanzo suddenly fully awakens to the past.

He remembers everything now.

He can even see Tenpou and Kenren, and he knows who they are. Everything is clear, in agonizing detail. Heart stopping, soul wrenching, excruciatingly painful detail.

A scream shreds through his throat, as his body arches up in a futile attempt to escape from the bonds of truth. Then, he goes still and blank, as his mind, overloaded by this torturous assault of knowledge, drops into unconsciousness.

On the verge of collapse herself, the green mystic suddenly begins to fret. Yes, she has found the key she was searching for, the one that will open the door to Sanzo's soul, and allow his control to be lost from within, allow him to be destroyed according to Lady Gyokumen Koushu's wishes. This is all that she had been told to do, nothing more. The rest, she has been told, is not up to her. It is beyond her.

But what, then, is to happen next?

Her heart pounding violently in her chest, she begins to feel her flesh crawl and tingle with an unearthly sensation of dread. She watches, in ominous bewilderment, as a small trickle of blood begins to flow from the afflicted priest's nose. At the same instant, a red drop falls from her own nostril onto the back of her hand.

It's getting harder to breath now, and her breath comes in small hiccupped gasps. She can only stare in morbid fascination as Sanzo's body begins to tremor ever so slightly.

As the truth behind what is happening begins to dawn on her, her eyes grow wide in horror. She tries to scream, but cannot find enough breath to do so. She starts to crawl towards the door, knowing it will do her no good, that she cannot escape, and then, with a long, gargled gasp, she collapses onto the floor, and moves no more.

Simultaneously, the trembling of Sanzo's body ceases, and he goes absolutely still.

A silence hung heavy with suspense permeates throughout the room.

A gasp of breath, and amethyst eyes snap open. A small smile touches Sanzo's lips. Slowly, carefully, he stands, straightens out his robes, wipes the blood from his face with the back of his hand, and walks to the door. As for the woman lying on the floor, he passes her by without so much as a glance.

A storm is approaching in the night as he steps out into the street. Thunder cracks in the distance, promising a downpour to come. Sanzo pauses to stretch his muscles and light a cigarette, and to see him now, you would think him not at all concerned about the prospect of rain.

XXX

Goku is asleep when Sanzo returns to the room, curled forlornly under the cover, wrapped in his unhappy slumber.

Sanzo approaches the bed and stops, head cocked curiously to one side. He stands for some time observing Goku as he sleeps, almost as if he is seeing something about the boy that he has never noticed until now. Eventually, a satisfied smile crosses Sanzo's features, and he steps closer.

Goku is breathing evenly, one hand clutching the pillow in a loose grip. Sanzo tenderly brushes Goku's soft brown locks back to fully expose his sleeping face. He lets his fingers trace over the gold band around the demon's head, and trail lightly down one cheek to brush against his lips.

Then, quickly, mercilessly, he yanks the cover off of Goku's body and roughly pulls him onto the floor, kicking him aside with one booted foot.

Rudely awakened, Goku stares up at Sanzo confusedly from the floor.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo's words, when he speaks, make Goku want to choke.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you that animals belong on the floor? Honestly, you disappoint me so, Goku."

Strangely, it is not so much the words themselves, but the way in which they are spoken, that strike at Goku's heart. The tone of voice is so casual, so relaxed, so without any trace of anger that it sends a chill up Goku's spine.

And then Sanzo laughs, and the sound is low and rich and utterly cruel.

Goku feels he might die, right here on the hard floor at Sanzo's feet, for he has always longed to hear Sanzo laugh. Always, but not like this, not like this.

He can only remain lying where he has been kicked to, listening as Sanzo prepares himself for bed, waiting for him to fall asleep so he can start breathing normally again.

Thunder sounds distantly, and it relaxes Goku a little. Perhaps it's just the effects of the approaching storm and theanticipation of rain that has Sanzo so upset. Perhaps that's all it is.

But oh, it can't be just the rain. The session must have gone very badly tonight. Perhaps Sanzo has found out something terrible. What if he's in some kind of trouble? Tomorrow, resolves Goku, he will find out what it is, so that he can help his sun to overcome it.

Sleep does not return quickly, and truthfully, Goku almost doesn't want to fall asleep, because he doesn't want the morning to come, afraid of what kind of ugliness its light may reveal.