Hakkai's New Astronomy Lessons
By Leokitsune
Hakkai enjoyed the sound of the cicadas as the day drew to a close. The setting of the sun had cooled the air, making a light breeze spring up and sweep away the stuffy heat of the day, preparing for the upcoming night.
The wood post behind his back creaked slightly when he leaned against it, but he didn't worry about that. It was more than capable of holding his weight. The porch was brand-new, finished just a few weeks ago. He sat on the wooden steps, in the cool shadows of the porch eaves, waiting for the night to come.
The sky shifted to salmon, dark red, purple, then surrendered to the blackness of night. The promised coolness, heralded by that slight dusk breeze, settled in. Hakkai sat motionless on the steps, watching the stars come out and the moon advance across the sky. His gaze traced the constellations. It had been a long time since he had even thought about his long ago astronomy lessons. The teacher had been himself, guided by tomes that had almost been too big for him to handle.
As a child, he had wrestled the large, dusty books outside on clear summer nights like this one. He had traced the constellations with his finger, first on the oversize pages, then in the velvety night sky. He lifted a finger to trace them now. The shapes had always been there, just long ignored, even at times forgotten.
Like many other things. Hakkai dropped his hand back onto his knee. In his travels with Sanzo, Goku and Gojyo, the stars had always been there. They had wheeled overhead, locked in the same patterns they had followed for millennia. At that time, he had been more concerned with other constellations, the resurrection of the ox-king demon a distant yet prevalent one. The stars that made up that one had shone bright then–Kougaiji, Lirin, Dokugakuji. And Yaone. She had not been the star of the brightest magnitude, but she had been the one that interested him most.
In a way, Hakkai supposed that he might have even been in love with her, a little. If things had been different, perhaps. If she hadn't been on the wrong side. If they had seen each other in more casual surroundings, more normal circumstances. None of that could be changed, though. Besides, he was sure that Yaone was in love with her lord, Kougaiji.
Then there was the set of constellations that made up his more immediate galaxy, not to mention the constellation that he was a part of–the Sanzo-ikkou. The forces that they had exerted on each other, as they spun along on their pre-ordained path, had blinded him to the stars above for a long time. He was glad that it was now over. They still were major stars to him, but now they no longer shone so bright as to block out the stars above.
Sometimes, those stars had even shone brightly enough to blot out Kannan's star. When he was Cho Gonou, that would have been impossible. For Cho Hakkai, however, he had found himself drawn to other stars, so now Kannan's star seemed dimmer, more distant. Sometimes guilt would draw him back, but he was getting further and further with every passing day.
He didn't know whether he liked that or not. She deserved to be the center of his universe. She had been the best person that he had ever known, and he had been lucky to have her, even for the few years that he had. But she could still be the center. He just didn't have as close an orbit now, that's all. That was the way it had to be. It had just been hard for him to accept. He had struggled with that the whole journey. When he had finally made the realization, he had been able to finally start putting both Kannan and Cho Gonou to rest for good.
He was Cho Hakkai now. So where did 'Cho Hakkai' go from here?
"You think too much."
Hakkai started. "S-Sanzo!"
"Hn." A bright, brassy snap, and a small flame lit a handsome face, casting a gleam on sun-gold locks. The red flare of a cigarette's ember, then the flame disappeared, consigning that vision to the night once more. Sanzo's darkened form approached, then sat down on the opposite end of the step that Hakkai rested on.
Hakkai turned to face the other man. His monocle flashed in the moonlight. "Good to see you, as always. So what's the reason for the pleasure of your company this fine night, Sanzo?"
"Damned idiots."
"Ah." Hakkai cast around for a good response to that cryptic phrase. For Sanzo, that described 99.9 percent of the population– human, god, or youkai. Most of the time it applied to Goku and Gojyo. Rather than attempt to untangle Sanzo's meaning, Hakkai settled for another question. "Where's Goku?"
Sanzo jerked a thumb back the way he came. "Back there. With the other annoying idiot."
"Ah!" Hakkai smiled serenely. "So you went by the bar and saw Gojyo."
"I went to the bar. Gojyo was there."
"I see." A comfortable silence settled on the two after Hakkai's last statement. Hakkai was the one to break it. "Sanzo?"
"What."
"How often do you think of. . . the past?"
"Is that what you've been thinking of?" Sanzo shook his head. "Stupid."
Hakkai smiled blandly. "It is what makes us, is it not?"
"Be tied to nothing," Sanzo replied. "The past is something."
"Ah." Silence settled in again. This time it remained unbroken, as the two men thought their separate thoughts. The sound of running footsteps broke the silence. Both men turned to the path.
"Sanzo!" A familiar cry broke the still night. Like thunder, the sound and energy that was Son Goku came charging up the path. He skidded to a stop in front of the small house that Hakkai and Gojyo shared. Hakkai smiled at the exuberant youth in welcome.
While Sanzo was berating Goku for being so noisy, Hakkai rose and entered his home. Home. It was the place that they had shared when he had first met Gojyo. It was where they had returned after the journey had ended. Why had it been so natural to move back in with Gojyo? He pondered this while he turned over the rice and stirred the pot of soup that had been left to warm on the stove. Good thing he had made such a big batch of soup. He had been planning on taking the leftovers to the widow down the road tomorrow, but he could always make something else. He came back out, spoon in hand.
Before Hakkai could say a word, Sanzo rose to leave. "Let's go."
Goku sniffed longingly at the food Hakkai had prepared. Then a stubborn look crossed his face, and he shook his head. "I'm hungry. I'll catch up with you later."
Sanzo didn't blink an eye. "Do what you want, then. I'm going back." He stepped off the porch and started down the path. Hakkai and Goku watched the divinely white figure of Genjo Sanzo grow smaller and smaller, then disappear into the blackness of night.
Goku eagerly followed Hakkai into the house and sat down at the table as Hakkai dished up large bowls of rice and soup. Hakkai watched with a smile as Goku dug in with gusto. "You've matured, Goku. There was a time that you wouldn't let Sanzo out of your sight."
Goku swallowed his mouthful of rice to answer Hakkai. "I still don't like it much. But Sanzo won't leave me. He'll always be there, like the sun."
"The sun. Sanzo does have the coloring for that metaphor, doesn't he?"
"Yeah. He's bright and warm like the sun, too. And constant."
"Warm? I don't know if that is the first description that comes to my mind when I think of Sanzo," Hakkai laughed. "He is constant, though."
"Yeah. The sun might disappear at night, but it's always going to be there tomorrow. Like Sanzo." Goku said between mouthfuls. "Like you and Gojyo." Goku swallowed a couple of spoonfuls of soup before he asked, "Are you ever going to do anything about Gojyo?"
"Gojyo?" Hakkai was thrown off by this new line of questioning.
"Yeah. That’s another one of those constant things. You act oblivious, and the kappa watches you like you were a meat bun in a shop display and he doesn't have a yen in his pocket."
Hakkai smiled blandly as he tried to come up with what to say. He had noticed, despite what Goku thought. He had hoped that no one else had. Gojyo was never too obvious about it, just a touch that lingered a shade too long here, a meeting of glances that lasted too long there. He had known about Gojyo's interest in him. Strangely, Gojyo had never followed up on it, remaining content to let it lie between them.
"Don't try and deny it, Hakkai," Goku cautioned. "I've seen the way that cockroach looks at people he wants to sleep with. He looks at you like that too. Kinda."
"Our Gojyo isn't the type to refrain, though. So maybe his interest isn't that great." Hakkai busied himself making tea. "Or maybe it is simply curiosity."
"It's because of Kannan! Geez, how can you not see that?"
"Kannan!"
"Yeah," Goku said, around the mouthfuls of rice he was shoveling in, "that stupid kappa is scared."
"Scared of what?" Hakkai sat back, mystified.
Goku shrugged. "Maybe he's afraid that you'll laugh at him, for not knowing how a real relationship works. Or for falling for a man, after all those women couldn't make him happy. I don't know." He paused in his eating. "Maybe it isn't Kannan at all. Maybe he's afraid that you'll go away, like Jien did. He's not going to tell me."
"Then you've never talked to Gojyo about this?" At Goku's head shake, Hakkai asked, "How do you know he's afraid?"
Goku pointed to his nose with his chopsticks. "I can smell it. He'll look at you, and that worried wrinkle he gets between his brows will come up, and I'll smell the fear. Not like fear for his life or anything. But it's still fear. I don't get it. You're Hakkai. You guys have known each other for years. He's been in love with you for a long time. Why would you be afraid of someone you love?"
Goku put down his bowl. "Ah! That was great, Hakkai. You're the best!" He shoved back the chair and bounded up. "Thanks, Hakkai! See ya later!" With that, he shot out the door, probably to catch up with Sanzo.
Hakkai stared at the dishes with unseeing eyes. Gojyo? Scared? In love? His eyes cleared as he thought of Goku's words. He shot up, knocking over his chair, and bolted out the door. "Goku, wait!"
Goku turned at the head of the path. "What?" he yelled back.
"How do you know?"
"I told you," Goku said as he jogged back to the midway point, "I can smell it."
"No, how do you know he's–" Hakkai faltered. Maybe he had misunderstood. Maybe Goku had misunderstood. Maybe Gojyo wasn't–
"Quit doubting me." Hakkai jumped at the sound of Goku's voice just a few feet away. Goku looked intractable. "I know what I see. I'm not stupid, you know."
"Maa, maa," Hakkai soothed. "Not at all. Maybe you just misunderstood."
Goku shook his head. "Un-uh. No way. I asked Sanzo, and he said that you were a blind idiot and Gojyo was a besotted one. We talked about it. He sees it too. So why don't you?"
Hakkai sank down onto the steps. "I, I don't know." Did he not know? Or had he denied it all this time?
Goku sat down next to him. "I don't see how you could have missed it. He always looks at you, talks about you, talks to you, worries about you." Goku stared at his feet. "Maybe he's not Kannan, but he loves you. And I think that you love him too." Uncomfortable with such talk, Goku bounced up then shot back down the path after Sanzo. "Later, Hakkai!"
Hakkai managed a weak smile and a wave for the departing Goku. After the chaos that was Goku left, the woods grew silent once more. Goku had left chaos behind, though. Hakkai sat on the porch for a while, thinking about past, present and future. Kannan, Hakkai, and Gojyo.
----
Gojyo's pace picked up as he neared the path that led to home. Before Hakkai, he never really cared if he was at the bar or at his house. The house was just a place to store his stuff and to sleep. Hakkai had changed that, made the house a home, one that Gojyo looked forward to going back to. He felt lighter, coming to the turn to the house now, where before he hadn't cared.
Hakkai made him care about a lot of things. Hakkai had opened his eyes to a whole new world that he hadn't even known existed. One of hot meals, clean sheets, dust-free lodgings, pleasant conversations, amiable silences and comforting companionship. Hakkai was . . . home. Without Hakkai, his home would become a lifeless house once more. He was the heart and soul of it.
Gojyo had never thought himself the kind to long for home and hearth. He obviously had misjudged himself. Hakkai was home. He longed for Hakkai. Home was where the heart was. Hakkai had his heart, was his heart. It was that simple. Yet at the same time, horribly complicated. Hakkai represented stability, calm, comfort, and he needed those things. Gojyo couldn't provide them, no matter how much he wished he could for Hakkai's sake.
What did Gojyo know about stability? He never had any himself. Only what he could glean from others, like Hakkai or Jien. He certainly wasn't calm or comfortable. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. He loved getting a rise out of people, getting into fights. Hakkai gave him everything. He had nothing that he could give to Hakkai, nothing that the other man needed.
There was a small clearing at the turnoff to their house, a place where the road forked. At the convergence of the fork, there was a rock between the two paths. Gojyo sat on that rock and lit a cigarette. He wanted to go home, but not while his mind was full of his shortcomings. Hakkai had a second sense when Gojyo was upset or depressed. He wanted to be able to match Hakkai smile to smile. When Gojyo genuinely smiled, Hakkai's smile would turn real too.
Hakkai's smile. The thought of a real, happy smile on Hakkai's face always brought one to his own. Hakkai didn't have much to smile about in his violent, dark life. Gojyo hoped that he could help Hakkai turn his life around, give him more reasons to replace those bland, mask-like smiles with the real thing. Hakkai was giving Gojyo the real ones more and more often now. Gojyo didn't know if Hakkai was finally leaving his tragic past behind, letting it fade like it should, or if he just was able to block it off more than he had before.
It hadn't rained in a long time. They were in a drought right now. Rain would be the most accurate indicator as to which way the winds within Hakkai were blowing. Gojyo laughed up at the clear sky. Imagine. Him wishing for rain. He had grown to hate rain for the effect it had on Hakkai. Now he was wishing for it. Wasn't that selfish, though? To potentially put Hakkai through pain, just to see if he was over his past?
"It is a nice night, isn't it? Perfect for star-gazing."
Gojyo jumped, startled out of his thoughts. "Ha-Hakkai!"
Hakkai smiled serenely and sat down next to Gojyo. "I was starting to worry about you. You hadn't mentioned anything about a late shift tonight."
Gojyo laughed sheepishly. "Sorry, Hakkai. I didn't mean to worry you. Hope you weren't waiting dinner on me."
"It's all right," Hakkai said.
Gojyo tilted his head back and looked up at the sky again. Bright stars winked back at him. "I was just thinking."
"It is a nice night for that as well," Hakkai said. He looked up at the stars himself. Without looking over at Gojyo, he asked, "What were you thinking about, Gojyo?"
Gojyo was surprised at the question but hid it under a shrug. "Stuff." He looked at Hakkai out of the corner of his eye, but Hakkai was still looking at the stars. "Hakkai, are you . . . happy?"
"Happy?" Hakkai smiled up at the stars. "Happiness is relative, isn't it?"
"I guess." A comfortable silence settled on the two men as they watched the stars and thought their own thoughts.
"Come on, let's go home." Gojyo tore his eyes from the bright points of light above to look at the main star in his sky. Hakkai had stood and was extending a hand to help him up. Gojyo put his hand in Hakkai's, felt the coolness of Hakkai's skin, the firmness of his grip. Hakkai hoisted him up to his feet. Gojyo wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but had Hakkai squeezed his hand before he had let go? Did Hakkai caress his palm with his departing fingertips?
Stop reading into things, Gojyo, he admonished himself. Hakkai probably didn't mean anything by it. It was the 'probably' part that kept him up most of the night, thinking about the touch of Hakkai's hand.
----
Hakkai took the stack of papers and placed them into his satchel. He would grade them when he got home. Home. That word again. But it was. He sat down again at his desk, facing the neat rows of student desks yet not seeing them. In his mind's eye, he was seeing a modest little house, set off the main path, deep in the woods. When they'd returned from the journey west, Gojyo hadn't said a thing about him moving out, or moving in, for that matter. It was if it had been discussed already and decided.
Hakkai and Gojyo, with the occasional help of Goku, and surprisingly, Sanzo, had built an addition to the house, giving Hakkai and Gojyo their own rooms. Gojyo and Goku had surprised him one evening after a late tutoring session with a new porch a few weeks ago. Sanzo had helped on that project too, even though he hadn't been there when Hakkai had gotten home. The things that had clued Hakkai in were the cigarette butts from the brand Sanzo smoked still smoldering in the dirt around the porch, a gagged and hogtied Gojyo and Goku, and the thirty spent shell casings from Sanzo's gun.
Hakkai smiled to himself. This was home. Gojyo's generosity and undemanding nature had made it so. Gojyo had given Hakkai exactly what he needed, a place to stay and company to keep that was supportive and caring without making demands. That wasn't all, though. Gojyo had shown him there was still a life for Cho Hakkai to live. Hakkai had buried Cho Gonou and had nearly buried Cho Hakkai before he'd even had a chance to live.
Gojyo had been the one that tirelessly had prevented Hakkai from throwing graveyard dirt upon his new self. He had been the one to brush away the dirt of Gonou and Kannan's shared grave so Hakkai could breathe. It was now time to climb out of that hole and bury those old lives forever. He could visit the grave from time to time. That was his right, as closest to the deceased, and his obligation to those that were buried there. But he didn't have to try to make it a grave for three.
That new life stretched before him like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Sanzo, Goku and Gojyo had sheltered that pupae, allowed the caterpillar within to become something else. He was free now. Free to do as he pleased. He stood up, leaving his satchel behind. Stepping into the reddening glow of sunset, he made appointments with a future he never thought could be his.
----
Gojyo stretched out under smoothing palms. Those caressing palms eased his covers down, past his chest, past his belly, down to his hips. There, they paused, as they discovered more sleek skin underneath. Gojyo arched his hips, letting the covers expose his nude body. Now that Hakkai and Gojyo had their own rooms, he took advantage of the privacy to sleep in the nude. He hadn't before, for Hakkai's sake. It had been a hardship, but one he was more than willing to put up with for the other man's comfort.
The hands teased him coyly. Gojyo frowned a little at the teasing. He got a low chuckle for that. That chuckle didn't sound familiar, but at the same time, it did. It was a sound he had never heard on waking, only in dreams. It was the sound of a Hakkai feeling playfully sensual. He relaxed. He must be dreaming, then. His favorite dream, too. He felt himself get aroused just at the thought of it.
His dream-lover took delight in Gojyo's body, and Gojyo was pleased by that delight, even as he was being pleased by his dream-Hakkai. He spread his legs for better access, sweeping the covers to the floor, out of the way. He was caressed and teased, licked and kissed over his body, his face. His lover wouldn't kiss him on the mouth, though. He wanted to feel Hakkai's lips on his, taste his mouth. "Hakkai," he moaned.
"Are you awake, then?"
"Hakkai!" Gojyo's eyes snapped open to see that he wasn't dreaming after all. He was instantly distracted by Hakkai's bare, hard flesh. Gently, he ran his fingertips over the cool curve of Hakkai's shoulder, the hard curves of his bicep, the long lines of his forearm where it rested on his hip. Gojyo wondering fingertips traced the muscled line of Hakkai's hip before Hakkai caught his hand.
"Good afternoon, Gojyo."
"Yeah," Gojyo managed to croak.
Hakkai smiled at that. This smile was real. Real predatory. Gojyo was fascinated by this aspect of Hakkai he never even suspected existed. "Since you're awake," Hakkai purred, "I guess we can get on with things."
"Things?" Gojyo asked, confused. Hakkai's hand rested on his belly, went lower, and found a part of Gojyo that wasn't so confused. "Ah!"
"Things." Hakkai sealed any further conversation by sealing their lips together. Gojyo froze, then relaxed. What was he thinking? The best thing to ever happen to him was happening now. Better to relax and enjoy it, to let Hakkai take him where he wanted to go. Where they both wanted to go. He threaded his fingers through Hakkai's thick black hair and surrendered to what they both wanted.
----
Hakkai stared at the ceiling of Gojyo's room. Since Gojyo had the night off, he had stayed in bed with Hakkai, the two playfully yet intently learning new things about the other, things that they never would have learned being just roommates. Gojyo was asleep, curled against Hakkai's side, his head resting on Hakkai's chest. Hakkai ran his fingers through Gojyo's long red hair, lifting it to its fullest length, then letting it drop in silken skeins around Gojyo's shoulder, pool in scarlet swirls on his chest.
"I wish I could see the stars," Hakkai told the ceiling.
"I'll cut a skylight in the ceiling tomorrow," Gojyo promised drowsily.
Hakkai chuckled. "I thought you were asleep."
"Nah. Just conserving energy for the next go around." He sat up and leaned over Hakkai. "I get top next time."
Hakkai smiled placidly. "We'll see."
Gojyo pouted. "Come on, Hakkai. Bad enough that I let you set the pace. If we had done it my way, we would have done this years ago."
"We weren't ready years ago."
Gojyo flopped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. "Speak for yourself."
Now Hakkai sat up to look down at Gojyo. "I'm sorry I took so long."
Gojyo's pout disappeared, and he smiled gently. "It's okay, Hakkai. You were worth waiting for." His smile vanished, to be replaced by seriousness. "I know that I can't give you what you need, but you'll always be first for me, if that means anything." He lightly, hesitantly touched Hakkai's cheek. "You were always like the main star in my sky, the one that I always followed. Just. . . let me follow you still."
"Follow?" Hakkai shook his head. "I'm done with traveling. I'm home now. We're home now. As for you not giving me what I need, you already have."
"I have?"
"Yes," Hakkai said. "You gave Cho Hakkai his start in life, his place in life. You gave me everything."
Gojyo laughed. "No, you gave me everything. Home. Heart. Everything."
Hakkai threaded his fingers through Gojyo's hair and touched their noses lightly. "Then we have it all, don't we?"
"Yeah, I guess we do." As Gojyo pulled him down for a kiss, Hakkai felt a small flame that could only be termed happiness in his heart. He had everything. The past was gone. It always was. But he had his future securely in his hands.
