The Tragedye of Sanlet, Prince of Denmark
Dramatis Personae
Jyenius, King of Denmark
Sanlet, son to the late, and nephew to the present King
Gokunius, Lord Chamberlain
Goujunio, friend to Sanlet
Shaertes, son to Gokunius
Gertrude, Queen of Denmark, and mother to Sanlet
Chophelia, daughter to Gokunius
Kouzencrantz & Jiendenstern, doomed, confusingly verbose courtiers
Ghost of Sanlet's 'father'
Act I
Scene 1
Two soldiers guarding the castle walls.
Sol.1: Sup?
Sol.2: Sup yourself? Got a light?
An orange paper airplane flies out of nowhere and lands at their feet.
Sol.1: Aw, fuck.
[Enter Goujunio]
Gou: Is there an intruder? Do I get to show off my mad ninja dragon skills?
Sol.2: Nope. (Points) We got us a ghost.
Gou: Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
Sol.2: Is it not like the King?
Gou: Of course it's the dead King. Stupid mortal. Let's go get the Prince.
Scene 2
Audience Chamber
Jyenius: Well, isn't this nice? I get to marry the Queen and start a war with Norway. It's good to be the King.
Shaertes: And they call me a pervert. I'm going to France.
Jyeni: Have you your father's leave?
Gokunius: Why do I have to be the annoying talky guy?
Sanlet: Shut up, monkey. And you. King. Quit watching me in the bath.
Gertrude: Black is so not your colour, San-chan. Cheer up!
Thou know'st 'tis common - all that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity.
San: And whose fault is that, bitch?
[Exit all but Sanlet]
San: I'm not reading this.
Billy Shakespeare: Please?
San: "Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew"?
That shit stinks. No.
[Enter Goujunio]
Gou: Sanlet!
San: What? I need a drink.
Gou: Your father is now a ghost, and has been seen haunting the walls of the castle.
San: I will watch tonight.
Perchance 'twill walk again.
Scene 3
Gokunius' house
Shaertes: I'm off. You gonna miss me?
Chophelia: Do you doubt that?
Sha: And no flirting with San-chan while I'm gone.
Cho: Of course not. And do take care to guard your tongue while in France.
Sha: Guard my... oi.
[Enter Gokunius]
Goku: You leaving?
Sha: Yup.
Goku: Have fun!
Cho: So much for the "never a borrower nor a lender be" speech.
Goku: Huh?
Sha: Never mind. Farewell, Chophelia, and remember well
What I have said to you.
Cho: 'Tis in my memory locked,
And you yourself shall keep the key of it.
[Exit Shaertes]
Goku: What is it with you and incest?
Cho: ...
Goku: I think Sanlet likes you.
Cho: Do you really?
Goku: You can't have him.
Cho: The thought never crossed my mind.
Scene 4
The wall of the castle
Sanlet: Fuck it's cold.
[A flourish of trumpets, and ordnance shot off within]
Goujunio: What's that?
San: Jyenius is having a party.
Gou: ...ew.
Soldier: Hey! The ghost! Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!
San: Ghost? What do you want?
Ghost: beckons Sanlet
San: Ok.
Gou: Be ruled. You shall not go.
San: Get your fucking hands off me. It's Koumyou. I'm going.
Scene 5
More castle wall
San: Why are you here?
Ghost: Jyenius killed me.
San: Right. I was there.
Ghost: You should kill him.
San: No problem.
Ghost: Remember me.
San: Really. No problem.
[Exit Ghost.]
[Enter Goujunio]
Gou: What happened?
San: Jyenius killed Koumyou. I'm gonna go kill Jyenius. Keep your mouth shut until then.
Gou: Oh. All right.
Act II
Scene 1
Gokunius' house
Gokunius: Reynaldo! Go see what Shaertes is up to.
Rey: See if he's gambling?
Goku: Yeah, or drinking, fighting, swearing, slutting around like the perverted cockroach he is...
Rey: This is Shaertes we're talking about?
Goku: Just go, ok?
[Exit Reynaldo.]
[Enter Chophelia]
Goku: Chophelia? What's wrong?
Cho: Something's wrong with Sanlet. He just came after me
With his doublet all unbraced,
No hat upon his head, his stockings fouled,
Ungartered and down-gyved to his ankle.
Goku: Sanlet was wearing stockings?
Cho: May I go mad now?
Goku: Wait. This is the very ecstasy of love. I said you couldn't have him!
Cho: ...please? Insanity?
Billy Shakespeare: Peace. Soon.
Scene 2
A hallway
Jyenius: Welcome, dear Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern!
Moreover that we much did long to see you,
The need we have to use you did provoke
Our hasty sending.
Kou: Pervert.
Jien: Seriously.
Gertrude: Why is my nephew-son so miserable?
Kou: You mean you don't know?
Jien: And I thought my family was fucked up.
Jyeni: Find out why he's being unfriendly.
Kou: ...fine.
[Exit Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern]
[Enter Gokunius]
Goku: Sanlet is being funny because he's got a crush on Chophelia.
Gertrude: Really?
Goku: But she can't have him.
Jyeni: How about she dumps him and we all watch?
Goku: Okay!
[Everybody leaves, except Gokunius]
[Enter Sanlet]
Goku: You feeling better?
San: Maggots? I'm supposed to talk about maggots? And fishmongers?
Billy Shakespeare: Please?
San: Shut up or die.
[Enter Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern]
Jien: Yo.
San: Idiots.
[Exit Gokunius]
Kou: How have you been?
San: Bored. Angry. Out of bullets.
Kou: To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, what lenten entertainment the players shall receive from you.
San: What are you talking about?
Kou: Plot point.
Jien: There's death!
San: Whatever. Let's go watch the play.
[Enter Players]
San: Do as I say or I'll shoot you.
Player: Works for me.
Act 3
Scene 1
Yet another room
Jyenius: So? What's wrong with San-chan?
Jiendenstern: You are so fucking creepy.
Kouzencrantz: We don't know.
Gokunius: Is it time to play with Sanlet's emotions?
Chophelia: This is such a bad idea.
Gertrude: I do wish
That your good beauties be the happy cause
Of Sanlet's wildness. So shall I hope your virtues
Will bring him to his wonted way again,
To both your honours.
Chophelia: Oh yes. A very bad idea.
[Everyone but Chophelia hides]
[Enter Sanlet]
San: It's nobler to shoot the hell out of your troubles and keep one bullet chambered in reserve. That's all you get.
Billy Shakespeare: Good enough.
Chophelia: Sanlet.
San: Chophelia.
Chophelia: I wish to return these things you gave me.
San: No, not I. I never gave you ought.
Cho: I heard that you were interested in me.
San: I loved you not.
Cho: Ah.
San: Now leave me alone.
[Exit Sanlet]
[Re-enter Jyenius and Gokunius]
Jyeni: Playing hard to get. Naughty princeling.
Goku: That could've gone better.
Scene 2
Outside the theatre
Sanlet: Here. Read this.
Player: You got it.
[The play begins]
Jyenius: How very accurate.
San: Gotcha.
Kouzencrantz: Your mother wishes to speak with you.
San: Quit spying on me or I'll kill you.
Jiendenstern: Um. I can't really answer that.
Scene 3
Some room
Jyenius: Sanlet has become a bore.
Gokunius: I'll go spy on him.
Jyeni: Oh, my offense is rank, it smells to Heaven.
I am a bad bad man.
I should be punished.
Bunny: Ok, now you're creeping me out.
San: What'dya mean I can't kill him now?
Billy Shakespeare: Plot point!
San: Fuck your plot point!
Billy Shakespeare: Just a bit longer?
San: I hate you.
Billy Shakespeare: That's valid.
Scene 4
The Queen's room
Gokunius: I'm gonna hide behind that curtain.
Gertrude: If you like.
[Enter Sanlet]
San: What the hell are you doing, being married to that pervert?
Gertrude: Why don't you let me have any fun?
San: Bitch. (draws gun)
Goku: Don't shoot!
San: (shoots)
Goku: Saaaaaaaaaaaanlet... that was meeeeeeeean! (dies)
San: Jyenius killed Koumyou. I'm gonna kill Jyenius.
Gertrude: That sounds fair.
Mel Gibson: I played this scene much better.
Billy Shakespeare: Incestuous bastard.
Act IV
Scene 1
The Queen's room
Jyenius: So? What's wrong with the blond brat?
Gertrude: He's mad.
Jyeni: Loony or angry?
Gert: A bit of each. That, and he killed Gokunius.
Jyeni: No great loss.
Gert: And took the corpse with him.
Jyeni: I do like this boy.
Scene 2
Some hallway
Kouzencrantz: Sanlet!
Sanlet: What?
Jiendenstern: Where's Gokunius?
San: I really don't like you anymore.
Kou: The King wants to see you.
San: Great.
Scene 3
A big room
Jyenius: What's up?
Kouzencrantz: I do not want to know.
Jiendenstern: He won't tell us where he hid the body.
Sanlet: I put him in the lobby.
Jiendenstern: Weirdo.
Jyeni: Go get him, and bury him properly.
San: Why can't I kill you?!
Jyeni: Because first, you have to go to England.
San: Dammit!
Scene 4
Outside
Sanlet: Whose army is that?
Captain: Norways. They're attacking Poland. They have no interest in attacking Denmark, I swear.
San: This whole country fucking sucks. And Jyenius is still in one piece.
I do not know
Why yet I live to say "This thing's to do".
Can I kill the playwright?
Billy Shakespeare: Nope. I'm famous, and therefore immortal.
San: Fuck!
Scene 5
Somewhere in the castle
Gertrude: I have no interest in speaking with her.
Some guy: But you should.
Gertrude: Fine. Bring her in.
[Enter Chophelia, in demon form]
Gertrude: Whoa.
Cho: I believe that I am not quite well.
Gertrude: You think?
[Exit Chophelia]
Jyenius: Were those... vines?
Gertrude: I think so.
Jyeni: I'm having inappropriate thoughts.
Gert: Why did I let you reincarnate?
[Enter Shaertes]
Sha: What the fuck happened to Gokunius?
Jyeni: For once, it wasn't me.
[Enter Chophelia]
Sha: Chophelia?
Cho: Hello, brother. (points to arm) There's rosemary, that's for remembrance - pray you love, remember.
Sha: I should not be turned on by this.
Scene 6
Another room in the castle
Sailor: Got a letter for you.
Goujunio: I have been reduced to messenger? I'm royalty!
Sailor: You've also got some righteous skin problems.
Scene 7
Yet another room in the castle
Jyenius: Sanlet killed Gokunius. Team up with me?
Sha: We do have quite a bit in common.
Messenger: Letter for the King!
Jyeni: [Reads] "High and Mighty, you shall know I am set naked on your kingdom. Tomorrow shall I beg leave to see your kingly eyes, when I shall, first asking your pardon thereunto, recount the occasion of my sudden and more strange return". Oh yes please!
Sha: Stop giving him ammo!
Billy Shakespeare: But I've got to play to the penny seats!
Sha: I used to be the perverted one. I really did.
Jyeni: You're a good fighter, aren't you?
Sha: Yeah.
Jyeni: Wanna fight Sanlet?
Sha: Sure.
[Enter Gertrude]
Gert: One woe doth tread upon another's heel,
So fast they follow. Your sister's drowned, Shaertes!
Sha: ...FUCK!
Act V
Scene 1
A churchyard
Clown.1: I'm clever.
Clown.2: I'm not, but I make a great straight man.
Clo.1: Go get me booze!
Clo.2: Okay, George.
[Enter Sanlet and Goujunio]
San: Who're you planting?
Clo.1: Some chick.
[Enter funeral procession]
Gou: Who died?
Shaertes: Hold of the earth a while
Till I have caught her once more in mine arms. (jumps into grave)
San: Chophelia? (jumps into grave)
Sha: I keel you!
San: I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat,
For though I am not splenitive and rash,
Yet I have in me something dangerous,
Which let thy wisdom fear. I said fuck off.
Sha: I loved her.
San: I don't emote in public.
Scene 2
A hallway
Goujunio: Why are you back so soon?
Sanlet: Jyenius tried to have me killed in England. I switched the papers around. Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern were pissing me off anyway.
Gou: When did you get so good at forgery and documentation processing?
San: That's a stupid question, coming from you, O Great Dragon King.
Gou: Oh. Right.
[Enter Yaosric]
Yao: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark.
San: What do you want?
Yao: Sweet lord, if your lordship were at leisure, I should impart a thing to you from His Majesty.
Gou: She's more formal than I am!
San: She always talks like this.
Yao: The King, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes…
San: Get to the point.
Yao: He wants you to fight Shaertes.
San: Fine. Let's go.
[The fight is set up, and everyone arrives to watch]
San: First blood to me.
Sha: Dammit!
San: And second.
Sha: God dammit!
Gertrude: I'm thirsty.
Jyenius: Not the poison! Oh well.
Sha: Ha! Scratched you, Baldy!
San: Fuck off and die. Got you again.
Gert: I die!
Sha: Me too! It was poison. Fucking bunny-molesting scientists…
San: Now can I kill him?
Billy Shakespeare: Go for it.
San: Finally. (kills Jyenius)
Yaosric: Young Fortinbras, with conquest come from Poland... (gets blown up)
San: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm dying too.
Goujunio: Let me die with you.
San: You never have before. Why start now? You get to live and tell people what happened.
Gou: You sure I can't die with you?
San. No. (dies)
Ambassador: What the shit happened here?
Gou: Call the cleaning service, let's get some beers, and I'll tell you.
[Exeunt omnes]
