Letterslinktouch

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It was near mid morning when they
got to Mei’s house. They drove up the little road which was familiar to them by
now. And Hakkai parked Jeep outside the fence. It was a blustery breezy November
day. They went up the front steps and knocked. It was her flustered mother that
came to the door, and as soon as she saw them her face broke into a big beaming
smile.

“Hakkai, Gojyo! Oh my! What a
lovely surprise. So nice of you to come and visit. Please do sit down and tell
us how you are”

She called out to her husband as
she seated them in the living room. He came and sat with them as she brought
out some tea. Hakkai was about to apologise for turning up unannounced, but he
was waved into silence. Some looks passed between Mei’s parents, but they did
not say anything. Something began to niggle at him. Hakkai looked around and
could not see Mei anywhere or the child running around and before he could ask.

“She is out back hanging out some
washing. She will be so pleased to see you. She will tell you all about her
news. And little Siuan is sleeping”

Hakkai looked over to Gojyo who
nodded back. “You go and talk to her. I’m fine here with Uncle and Auntie.”
Indeed he looked quite comfortable there chatting away. Laughing easily at her
father’s jokes and smiling brightly towards her mother, for all anyone knew
Gojyo could be their nephew up for a visit.

Hakkai made his way purposefully
through the kitchen. From the kitchen window he could see her now. Her back
toward him. The lines were heavy with the laundry. Her hair although tied was
blowing about her face and she was humming. Silently, he was nearly to her when
he stopped. She was still humming when she stepped backwards to survey the
lines, then she turned around. The sound died on her lips as it fluttered away
on the breeze. She blanched as Hakkai reached out to catch her.

“Uh…sorry to catch you by
surprise. Your mother said we could come” The man said as he held firm but
gently.

“H…h…Hakkai” she managed at last
“how are you?”

“Better now for seeing that you
are alright.” he replied softly but evenly. Steel in his eyes. Cold.

She pulled away from him and
righted herself. Breathing deeply “It’s just the right kind of weather for
washing don’t you think?”

“Yes it is rather brisk” he
agreed flatly, “although I prefer warm summer days myself.”

“I expect you came with Gojyo?”

“Yes Gojyo is inside chatting to
your mother and father. They seem…at any rate, happy to see us.”

“Have you seen Siuan yet?”

“No.” said Hakkai surprised.
He sighed out aloud, he knew he was being hard on her, and tried to soften his
hard gaze, a little anyway. “Why did you suddenly stop writing?”

“They didn’t tell you?”

Hakkai watched her as emotions
flickered over her face. For whatever reason she avoided looking at him. After
a few tense moments she looked up into his eyes, still unreadable. “Would you
like to take a look at Siuan? She’s very beautiful.” She started back into the
house

That was unexpected. He assumed
that she was going to explain to him the sudden halt in her letters. Nothing
for it except follow her. Through the living room, where suddenly all
conversation seemed to pause; the silence hung in the air and then the moment
passed, Gojyo waved at Mei. She nodded in acknowledgement. But continued on her
way with Hakkai still in tow. They were at the door of the guestroom he had
once occupied. As she put her hand on the door handle she brought her other
hand to her lips signaling quiet. She gently pushed the door open.

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 Hakkai was surprised; this was
no little girl’s room. It was a baby’s room. A crib stood in a corner away from
the window, and a little shelf where there were little cloths and small
outfits. But what caught his breath was the little child sleeping in the cot.
Heart shaped face with pale, pale skin, her eyes were closed in slumber and
soft downy hair sticking up on her head and some sticking out from behind her
ears, and soft and downy though it was…you could see the colour of it. It was
red. It was Gojyo red.

Time stood still for a moment;
and a thousand and one memories came crashing down on his head, his chest
seemed to constrict and he found it hard to breathe. He. Had. To get out. OmygodKananletsgohomegoodbyeGonouthatmonstersbabyisinside
ofmebloodherbloodallthatbloodmybloodbabythatbabythhatbabyismineminemine…His
right hand touched the edge of the scar through his shirt and his left hand
rubbed at his eye underneath the glasses. He closed his eyes and stepped back. This
is not real. It cannot be. How can it be? This was the thing
that Kanan took herself away from him for. A cursed creature. Taboo. Kanan had
not faith enough in herself to live through and had not faith enough in him
(then Gonou) to accept her — sullied and broken as she was. And all those that
he killed for naught it had seemed.

And the guilt assailed him anew.
And again he felt he should die for all his sins. He thought back to when he
woke up in Gojyo’s house that first time. Wanting, no needing it to be hell…was
this some kind of new hell? Would he never be free of it? His face pinched and
his breathing ragged.   

He choked out, “Mine” he said
hoarsely.

Mei mutely nodded. She had
expected the anger. But what she was seeing frightened her. Part revulsion,
part anger and mixed in with an amount of wonderment, of how this thing can be?
She didn’t understand it. She couldn’t. And it took all Hakkai’s strength of
will and mind to stay and not run away. Hakkai opened his eyes and saw that she
was afraid and did not understand. Of course she didn’t, she couldn’t. Did he
want to try? Will he have to tell her all of it? Was it even relevant to the
poor girl? Huh! Poor girl? It was she who deceived him. It was she who sought
to hide this from him. Why? Was she so afraid of him? Well she would be, ought
to be if she knew. He smiled…only because it seemed the only thing left to him.
And the years melted away as if they had never been.

Mei saw Hakkai smile.
Unconsciously she moved to the front of the crib, protective. She stood her
ground; she owed him that at least for keeping it from him. She braved herself
to look at his eyes. That smile with the knife edge eyes. But for the moment
they were unseeing. He was looking somewhere inwards and was lost in that. And
for a moment it seemed as if he was someone else.

His mind reeled and was coiling
in itself into a dark abyss. Once again he was in the bowels of a dark and
terrifying castle, where in the rooms above youkai lay dead and dying; but this
time the spectre looking out at him from behind bars was not Kanan. It was a
child crouched and crying.

“Do you hate me?” it asked of
him.

Where’s Kanan he thought
panicking. He looked again into the cell, and this time a man sat in it. Even
crouched and cowering you could see he was tall, and angular and as he looked
up slowly the long dark angry red locks shimmered in the gloom and half light, as
silent tears dripped from equally dark red eyes, two scars grooved upon the
left cheek. His soul knew this dark dream personage.

“Do you hate me?” the man asked
of him.   

His breath hitched. “No,” he
whispered softly. A cry made him open his eyes again. He blinked as Hakkai came
back to himself. “No,” he said again, still soft but surer this time.

Siuan was awake; it was her cry
that brought him back.

But what was this child, who was
this child? And Hakkai looked at his hands, and for a few moments in his mind’s
eye they dripped with the red liquid of life. So beautiful.

Hakkai himself had long ago
thought of the child that had been seeded inside Kanan and wondered about it.
What and how would he have reacted? Would he have been able to accept the child
then, or would he have hated it? He had also entertained the idea that maybe he
would have become unhinged and unable to take it anymore he would have become
abusive and in a vicious cycle become killer again. He had drawn parallels with
himself and Gojyo’s mother. The guilt there; imagined though it had been felt
as real as the guilt of the murderous rampage he had brought onto innocents. The
guilt made real, and compounded and bound him to the land of the living by an
angel of red blood.

And it had gone round and round
in his head and in the end he could not come to any conclusion, because he was
not given the chance to confront that reality, because the possibility of that
reality was taken away from him, by the very woman he had called love.

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He didn’t know what yet he was
feeling about the little girl. He schooled his features and regulated his
breathing as he came back to the now. There was nothing he could do about the
look he knew was in his eyes. It had been a learned habit from way before and
had become instinct after awhile and now it was back as if it had never truly
gone. Just as his guilt and pain, it would never truly leave him.

“Let’s go for a walk and talk?”
he managed to say. Without waiting for her he went back out to the living room.

“Father, mother, Gojyo we’re
going out for a short walk…If that’s Ok?” She announced to them all. “Oh and mother,
Siuan is awaking.”

“Yes, yes and no need to worry
about this young man over here” her father said jovially “we’ll look after
him.”

Gojyo wasn’t sure, and even less
so when he saw that smile on Hakkai’s face. The smile he wore so often
in those early days when Hakkai sought him out from the temple. That smile he
wore so often on the road especially when it rained; as he pondered lifelines
and thought about wishing stars. The smile that he; Gojyo had tried so hard to
eradicate. Of course how could he have been so stupid…that smile had never
really left…and how could he have forgotten…women were trouble. Even the ones
who didn’t mean to be. And Gojyo could only wonder about that look. He had no
idea what was going on. But he put his trust in Hakkai. Hakkai would seek him
when he was good and ready and as always if he didn’t Gojyo would go looking
for him.

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Hakkai followed Mei out the back
door, past the hanging linens, and out through a gate into a field. The grass
an ocean of green waves in the wind. He could just make out some hills the
horizon towards the setting sun. He followed her silent trail until she stopped
by a brook, where stood a boulder worn smooth. She sat on it. She waited, and
saw that he was not ready to sit just yet. He stood by the brook, arms folded
and back to her.

“I knew by November last year,
but I didn’t know how to tell you” and the lie escaped her before she could
stop it, “I didn’t think you’d want to know.”

He clenched his fists, but kept
his arms folded, “How could I not want to know? You cannot presume that you
would know what I want or what I don’t” Hakkai continued, quiet anger dripped
from his voice “So were you going to tell me at all…or never?”

Mei had no counter to that.

“There were a lot of things in my
life that I had not the chance to decide”. He could list it in his head.
Orphan, orphanage, lost sibling, falling in love, finding out his one true love
was his sister, having his love taken away from him, having his love honour
herself more than she loved him.

“You made this choice for me…Without
asking me?”

Kanan had been raped and had no
love for the child inside of her. But this was different. Siuan was not born
from rape and hate. She had been born into a household which loved her. Mei’s
parents had not disowned her or the child; which would have been common enough
and accepted practice even. The hair he had seen and no doubt the eyes which
had been hidden from him in slumber will mark her. He thought of the woman they
had come across with a hanyou child- all those years ago on the way west- cast
out of her village and having to beg for food. Not because she did not have any
money, but because her child was cursed, taboo, a half breed.

Hakkai thought of Gojyo, his
friend, his love truly. He saw beauty and not just in the physical sense (which
he was) but a beauty of the person that Gojyo was. For in spite of his harsh
upbringing, the name calling, the abuse, the escape from death from the only
woman Gojyo had ever loved and being left to fend for himself; Gojyo had become
a person Hakkai was proud to call friend. A person whose sense of right-ness
was true and not accepting any substitutes nor deviations from it, a man with
his own code of honour and his own brand of skewed justice, and deeper than a
lot of people gave him credit for. Hakkai drew from him, as he would water from
a well. Life giving water. Gojyo did not easily give himself out to love, but
he gave to Hakkai so readily and had never asked for anything back except to be
loved and accepted for nothing less or more than who he was. Gojyo liked to say
he was a simple man…o he was anything but.    

Now he was faced with this. This
was a new reality, and in truth:- though it hurt that Mei had hidden the child
from him, it hurt that she could not tell him and it angered him the
presumption she had made as to who he was; the truth was this was a reality he
could learn to cope with. Had to.

He was a father now. He
couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud, just yet. It still felt alien to him
this idea. It occurred to him that aside from those thoughts of things that
could have been, Hakkai never thought that he would ever be one. Since being
with Gojyo; well, the possibility had never even occurred to him. Perhaps being
given the chance now was like having another lifeline thrown out to him.
Another life. Someone to care for, someone he was responsible for. Sorry
Sanzo…he laughed inwardly. Thoughts of Sanzo made him realize…Ahahaha…well at
least he still had a handle on his humour. And really the child could not have
a better mother than Mei. But he was not going to let her off so easy, even if
he seemed to come round of himself.

And Hakkai seemed to have come to
some kind of reconciliation in his thoughts. His breathing, which was shallow
and rapid before, had evened out; it seemed his shoulders were not hunched and
that he was now looking at her with an incalculable expression.

Mei who had kept silent. “Hakkai,”
she tentatively said his name. Was he aware of her at all? “Hakkai, I am sorry
I did not tell you before. I truly am.” and really that was all she could say.
She had no excuses and she still didn’t know why she was so afraid of telling
them the truth, when that fear was unfounded.

“You have no idea as to the hurt
you have caused?” he asked her. “No idea the dark memories I had dredged up
from the bottom of this tainted soul. Memories best left buried.”

“Whoever you were Hakkai, it is
who you are now that matters to me. You are no tainted soul. You are a good
person. I believe you to be a good person.”  Mei spoke with firmness.
“You may have those dark memories and a past you wouldn’t wish upon your worst
enemy; but all that is a part of what makes who you are today.”

“You are the teacher Hakkai,” Mei
went on relentlessly, “don’t you think that all life is, is a learning curve.
We learn from our lives. If you look at life that way, you’ll have fewer
regrets.”

“It is not that easy you know. I
was the age you are now when I came upon my darkest hours. A little younger
even.” answered Hakkai.

“You know the saying every cloud
has a silver lining. Think back to then and say truly that you came out with
nothing” countered Mei.

And he was going to say he had
nothing; a great void, a nothingness of pain and guilt. But no, that was not
true. Gojyo. Gojyo was everything. He was the silver. Sanzo too as he was the
one who had stepped in on his behalf, and inscrutable as the monk was in his
own way (Sanzo could deny it all he wanted) taught Hakkai to live for himself.
It had not been an easy lesson to learn. All those times he taught Goku, Goku
was teaching him to look at the world through his eyes which saw everything as
new and wondrous.

Painful as it was, Hakkai had to
admit that Mei was right, he would not know Sanzo or Goku…and life certainly
was rewarding with them around…if only because you appreciated being alive at
the end of the day all the more. And if he didn’t know them, and if he hadn’t
gone on some crazy quest with them. Gojyo wouldn’t have run into Mei (or
whichever way round it was) and fast forward to today, Siuan certainly would
not be here. And Siuan was certainly something precious to be cherished. His
daughter. It didn’t feel too odd thinking that then. Along with that
thought came an indescribable feeling of wonderment, and it rolled through him
to his very centre like a tidal wave. It was like witnessing the radiance of a
miracle, and it was his miracle. 

They had now fallen in a
companionable lull.

What an amazing girl-woman that
was stood in front of him. No wonder that Gojyo had wanted to keep her
friendship more than taint it with a night of flirtatious lust. And she really
was persistent too. If there was a heaven, then all the Gods were laughing at
him and him along with them. What an egotistical idiot he sometimes was. Then
again it was not every day that you learn that you’re a father. It takes time
to get used to the idea let alone the reality of it being suddenly thrust upon
you, he thought.  

“She is beautiful…like her
mother”

“She is beautiful like her father
too.”

Was that accession? After a
fashion maybe. But where did that leave them and how to move forward from this
juncture.

“Hakkai, do you want us to come
live near you?” she hesitantly continued, “I can ask Mrs Lee to put us up for a
while till I can find other arrangements.” Her voice trailed off “but if you
don’t want to …” then added, “my parents are more than happy to have us here.
They dote on Siuan so.”  

“Yes it will be a good idea that
you both stay here” Hakkai put forth. “Mrs Lee’s place is not suitable for a
child” Hakkai was thinking, Siuan could hurt herself at the pottery. The house
really was the only place for them, but of course it wasn’t big enough. Gojyo
wanted to get on with bigger projects for the house…well he was about to get
his wish. And he had to get himself full time work too. Mei could find work if
she wanted to and ahahaha Gojyo could baby-sit?

 “Only until I get Gojyo to put
forward his ideas for the house to enlarge the living space…and when it’s ready
I think I would like for both of you to be there” Hakkai added thoughtfully.
“If you wished it.”

Mei could not believe what she
was hearing. Nevertheless she treaded carefully. “Are you sure?” That would
certainly be wonderful for Siuan, but would that situation be a little awkward
for the three adults. “Would the three of us cope…and you haven’t asked Gojyo
yet” Mei wondered out loud.

“Eh! Ask me what?” a familiar
deep voice came up behind them. “Mei, your mother sent me out here to call you
in for lunch…oh and Mei the baby is awake, and I guess you’re needed.”

Lunch already?  Had their
discourse been so long?

“Uh! I better go. I’ll see you
inside” Mei said as she wandered back down the path Gojyo had just come.... She
stopped abreast of the taller man, looked up to him searching his eyes “I’m
sorry Gojyo; I did not mean to hurt him, either of you.” She beseeched him
“Please find it in your heart to forgive me.” Then she was gone.

The redhead found his friend
leant against a boulder, arms crossed and deep in thought. “So…what was it you
needed to ask?” as usual trying to keep things light.

Hakkai looked over to Gojyo
peering at him over the rim of his glasses- difficult to do when he was seated
and Gojyo who was taller was still standing- he had to crane his neck a little
“Have I told you I love you?”

“Nope, not today.” Gojyo said,
hypnotized by the flash of that pale slender neck exposed by the movement. And
the time that those words would have sent him scurrying in the opposite
direction was a long time gone.      

“I have always wondered what I
had done to deserve you, and it certainly isn’t anything in this life”

Aaah. Hakkai’s thoughts seemed
everywhere, but as long as the focus was him Gojyo did not mind. As long as
they grounded Hakkai to earth, to him; Gojyo did not mind at all.

“What did I do to deserve you?”
Gojyo asked Hakkai. It wasn’t like they had never had this conversation before.
They were just questions, and did not really need answering. Because neither of
them put much stock into things like fate or destiny. They just were.

“I’m a father now Gojyo” Hakkai
whispered quietly and saying it to Gojyo the words didn’t feel as awkward then.
“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“You will be a wonderful father”
Gojyo said with finality “and whatever it is you know you don’t need to ask.”
Then he held out his hand, “now come on, it’s lunch time and I believe we have
plans to make.”

Gojyo’s tanned and calloused
angular hand covered and gripped a pale hand with long slim fingers.

“Remember, as long as we do it
together… it doesn’t matter.”

Hakkai nodded and thought…and
that at least is right, and that at least feels right.

And the touch of warmth that
passed through their hands had nothing to do with the noonday sun.

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Author’s note: The term “Gojyo red” comes from Itainohime,
from her fic “Manzarayumedehanai”

Alright folks, let’s knock this one on the head okay.
Thank you all who have got this far, for bearing with me…because sometimes I
think I can actually write.

And thank you very much to Solaas and El, for guidance. I
hope I got it somewhat right in the end.