RSS Feed

 Home
 Most Recent
 
 Authors
 Titles
 Help
 Search
 Log In
 
 

Existential Difficulties by Tavam
[Reviews - 27] Printer Chapter or Story

- Text Size +
Author's Note: I've flagged this AU not because it is, really, but because it could be, if you choose to see it that way. Likewise, there are m/m implications in this chapter, although things get more explicit in later chapters. And, of course, Quantum Weirdness. Because when reality bends to the breaking point, what can you do but bend with it?

umm... also, later chapters include spoilers for the Homura arc in the anime, and up to vol. 5 of the manga (Hakkai's backstory). Later chapters also come with a "read at your own risk" warning for things like xenokink.


Disclaimer: Saiyuki in all its incarnations still belongs to people who are not me, including Kazuya Minekura.




Existential Difficulties:


Ch. 1 ~ Sanity

~~~~~~~~~


It was easier, in the darkness, knowing that past and present were blurring and he was going insane -- really, truly insane, this time. It was almost comforting to think he might lose himself completely, and not have to think. If all there was, all there ever would be, was madness and blood and rain that washed nothing away, then so be it, he would embrace it, stop struggling with rationale and reason and just be the embodiment of insanity.


But there was a voice that said he had no right to go insane.


There was a voice that said this was only punishment and he had no right to escape.


There was a voice that said he could not lose what was already lost.


And sometimes, in the darkness between worlds, there was a voice that said there was still something worth fighting for.


So he fought for himself again, clawing back from the edges of a world gone mad to a world he remembered as only slightly more reasonable.


Reason was such an artificial thing. Human comprehension was such a limited thing.


The rock wall was rough. The shackles were too tight. And it was so god-awful hot. The heat was melting what was left of his brain.


Because it could not possibly be raining here, inside a volcanic mountain.


~*~*~


"Perhaps we lost our minds in the process of becoming dead and so are unable to recognize this state of existence as we should," Sanzo offered drily.


Hakkai considered this in silence for some time. "Oh, now there's a cheerful thought!" he said. Sanzo made a questioning noise, and Hakkai explained, "Perhaps we're not yet dead, but our minds have become disconnected from our bodies, which are still in the process of dying."


"Ooo, good one. Very cheerful," Sanzo acknowledged.


"Thank you."


A moment of silence. "Are you trying to outdo me?"


"... Of course not."


"Hmm..."


~*~*~


Sometimes, he fell asleep, with the sound of impossible rain drumming in his ears and his scars throbbing in counterpoint. Or maybe it was not sleep, maybe it was only another unconscious state, or worse, another state of conscious. Sleep should have been restful after all.


~*~*~


"Limbo," Sanzo muttered.


"Do you think so?" Hakkai asked.


"We don't seem to be journeying," Sanzo pointed out.


Hakkai considered this. A faint echo of memory ghosted across his right eye, and he shivered. "Perhaps the journey has reached its end, and we are being allowed a moment's respite."


Sanzo snorted, rolled over onto his stomach, propped his chin on his fist and glared over at Hakkai. "This hardly seems restful." Violet eyes slanted away, staring into the darkness. "Maybe... we've fallen out of the cycle."


An unpleasant thought. "That would perhaps explain why we are here alone..."


They both considered the implications in silence for a moment. And when the conversation resumed, it was, unsurprisingly, along a non-linear tangent.


"If so... then the rules don't apply," Sanzo said quietly.


Hakkai glanced down, met the gaze that was dark with unspoken implication and a fire that was usually restrained. It sounded like an offer, or as close to one as Sanzo would ever come, but accepting it would mean changing things, and even if the rules did not apply here, and now, what effect would that change have on reality? If there was a reality to which they could eventually return.


That was also leaving aside the whole question of whether or not this was in fact Sanzo. It might, perhaps, be simply a projection of his own mind, perhaps simply himself choosing to see the version of Sanzo that he might -- if he would admit such a thing -- most want to see. Where could he, how would he, know to draw the line between fantasy and reality?


And as much as that smouldering look made desire flare along his own nerves, he couldn't bring himself to act on it, couldn't bridge the short, immeasurable distance between them.


Silence then. Silence and darkness and no place for logic or reason, but there was heat between their bodies where they lay close, but not quite touching.


"It is unnaturally quiet here," Sanzo murmured.


"Exceedingly so," Hakkai replied.


It was Goku he thought of first, because there was only blankness and void when he thought of Gojyo, and that couldn't be right. Closing his eyes, he looked for the solid comfort of Goku's presence. For a dizzying span of non-time, he swung out of place, and found himself looking back at Goku curled beside Sanzo, sound asleep. And there was Hakuryuu as well, tucked up and sleeping beneath one wing. Relief surged through him.


The moment snapped, and he blinked before turning to Sanzo to say, "Goku is still Goku, it seems. And still very much asleep."


Sanzo had no answer for that.


Neither of them asked the question they both had.


Phantom pain rippled across him, driving claws into his stomach gently before skittering away. He must have made some noise, or Sanzo must have seen his hand creep to press against the scar, for he asked, "What is it?"


Hakkai shook his head slightly. "Phantom pain," he whispered. Letting his eyes fall closed, he added, "I am so very tired...."


"Hn."


~*~*~


Sometimes, it was not rain. Sometimes it was immortal youkai and kami and one impossible battle that he must win, because really, it would be so very simple if he just allowed himself to become the full extent of evil that he was. It should not be so difficult a choice, when all the options were weighed and measured, but that one moment of realization seemed to stretch on ad infinitum, until it became the moment of transition, and no, what seemed like infinity before must only have been a span of mortal coil because this, this exquisite agony of a soul ripping, this was eternity.


Until the darkness came again.


~*~*~


"Are you in two places at once?" Sanzo asked.


Hakkai blinked and considered this. "I suppose I might be. Why?"


"Goku said you look thin, like you're stretched between places."


"Perhaps I am," Hakkai murmured. But when he went looking, his mind shivered away from knowledge, leaving him with only the vaguest of impressions. "A cave, it seems," he said, mostly to himself.


Sanzo grunted, as if it confirmed something he already knew. Somehow. "Are they trying to destroy us, again?"


"Hmm..." Hakkai replied. "Not us," he said slowly. "The bonds between us." Sanzo didn't reply. After a moment, he added, "Or both," trying for the cheerfully morbid tone they'd had the first time.


It fell flat, as he'd expected it would. There was nothing even slightly humorous about the idea of the connections between them being snapped.


"But where is Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, finally, frowning. It wasn't quite a change of topic.


"Perhaps he's the only one of us who is already dead."


It wasn't quite a glare that he turned on Sanzo, because he simply didn't do that, but worry sharpened his gaze.


"I have been looking for him," Sanzo admitted, glancing away.


Silence again, and each with his own thoughts, until something in the air, the chi of the non-place shivered, and Hakkai glanced sideways. Sanzo was disappearing, which was perplexing and troubling enough to distract him from his attempts to decipher their situation. He could, he supposed, grab hold of Sanzo and keep him here, somehow, but the process was so disturbingly fascinating that he chose to watch instead.


And then he was alone in the darkness, bereft of the comfort and familiarity of Sanzo's presence. Phantom pain stabbed at him again, and he grimaced, curling on his side with his arms wrapped around his stomach. Closing his eyes for a brief moment, he pushed away memory and pain, holding to the disconnected peace of the darkness.


A different kind of madness, perhaps, that he would imagine them all here when obviously there were rifts of unknown dimensions between them.


When he opened his eyes again, they fell on a pool of red and it took him far too long to distinguish strands of hair from the puddle of blood his mind would insist was there.


"Oh, fuck," Gojyo growled. "Ow. Tell the world to stop spinning." Peering out through the curtain of his hair, he scowled and grimaced. "Oh, my head! Shit."


Well, it certainly sounded like Gojyo. "What hurts?" Hakkai asked.


"What doesn't?" Gojyo snarked. "Fuck, my head..." Glancing around, he took in their complete lack of surroundings silently for a moment before turning a baffled look on Hakkai. "What is this place?"


"Ah, well... we don't actually know," Hakkai replied, allowing the slightly self-deprecating smile to slide over his features. "Sanzo and I have been hypothesizing --"


"The monk's here, too?" Gojyo craned his neck around, searching the darkness.


"Ah, not at the moment," Hakkai said, still smiling a little.


"And the monkey?"


"Not here now, either... although Sanzo has spoken to him."


"Huh."


Lying there, side by side, was comfortable and familiar, and Hakkai thought he might almost fall into a real sleep, if such a thing were still possible, when Goyjo grimaced and clutched at his stomach.


"What is it?" he asked reflexively, already reaching out.


Gojyo's reply was an incoherent string of profanity and pain. Frowning, Hakkai pushed his hands aside, passing his own lightly over Gojyo's stomach and wincing at the ragged chi around a large and obvious wound. Except there was no wound, here, in the non-space. Which would make sense if these were only projections of their minds, their self-images, while their real bodies and selves remained elsewhere. But if they could feel pain here, there was no reason he couldn't heal it. Ignoring vague thoughts of bending reality, Hakkai closed his eyes and focused his attention and chi on closing the wound.


It would not stay closed, or rather, something reopened the wound -- or created a new one -- as soon as he managed to seal the edges.


Sitting back on his heels, he frowned down at Gojyo. "I cannot heal it," he said. "Something keeps ripping it open again."


Gojyo's pain-fogged eyes focused on him briefly. "I know," he whispered hoarsely.


Turning his attention to the damage again, Hakkai closed his eyes and tried to look past what he couldn't see to find the problem. Something skittered under his hand, crawling further into Gojyo's body. Following it was difficult, given that it seemed to be trying to crawl behind vital organs -- or maybe through them -- but he kept his chi focused in a tight beam and tracked it as carefully as he could.


"Fucking kill it!" Gojyo growled through clenched teeth.


Hakkai shook his head slightly as the bug-like thing -- or one of them; they seemed to be multiplying -- burrowed deeper. He couldn't actually reach it -- not the source of it, wherever that was. Wherever Gojyo was, really. The bug skittered out into the open and he made one last desperate attempt to burn it out of existence. The sudden twisted reflection of his chi ball back towards him scorched his left palm, and he yanked his hands away with a muffled exclamation. Gojyo's presence disappeared with a sharp pop that left him reeling even further off-balance.


"I fucking hate parasites."


Studying his palm, Hakkai nodded at Sanzo. "I couldn't kill it," he said mildly, covering his disorientation.


"It's not here for you to kill," Sanzo pointed out in a tone that said he was stating the obvious. "Did it infect you?"


Glancing up, Hakkai met Sanzo's surprisingly worried gaze evenly. "No," he said slowly. "At least, I don't think so. I just... scorched my hand." The thumb of his right hand kept rubbing over the palm of his left, soothing invisible burn marks.


Sanzo grunted, looking unconvinced.


It took a greater effort than it should have to re-focus his attention. "Can you find him again?" he asked.


"I didn't find him in the first place," Sanzo admitted grudgingly. "Must have just gotten close enough that he found me."


"Ah," Hakkai murmured. "Would you... try?" he asked softly, a few moments later. He half-expected Sanzo to snap out something about stupid questions, but strangely enough the monk only turned his attention elsewhere and faded out again.


A different kind of darkness reached for Hakkai, laced with an awareness of pain and unbearable heat. Lying down again, he curled up on his side, one arm pressed tightly over the ache in his stomach. His left hand curled in a fist, fingernails scraping against his strangely sensitive palm. Closing his eyes, he fought the urge to give in to what was easier, to follow the pull of his body and reunite his divided consciousness.


"What's happening?" a familiar voice exclaimed in equal parts fear and frustration.


His startled gaze fell on Goku and he blinked at him stupidly for a moment before finding words. "Everyone... being pulled apart again. Separated."


"No way!" Goku said. "I'm not gonna let that happen!"


Hakkai had to close his eyes against the ripples of chi in the non-space as Goku turned and reached and suddenly Sanzo was there again. He breathed a small sigh of relief that would have been larger had Gojyo returned as well.


"Shit," Sanzo muttered, sprawling beside him. "Fuck."


There might have been more, but sound was playing tricks on him, fading in and out in waves. He couldn't get his eyes open. Sleep crawled over him, dragging him down into yet another state of existence.




~end Ch. 1~


Skin Design by Amie of Intense-Illusions.net