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Emerging Smile by Forever Lost
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Hakkai wondered if Gojyo realized how important these times were to him. The serenity it granted him by simply being permitted to run his fingers through Gojyo’s hair. It was these simple times that he found himself enjoying more and more as the frequency seemed to steadily increase.

 

Hakkai sat on the small couch in their shared home, having originally been reading a book with the window nearby open to enjoy the soft breeze that had decided to relieve him of an otherwise too warm week. Somewhere along the line though he had managed to end up with Gojyo’s head in his lap. It was actually so common place by now that he had almost forgotten that there was a time such ease around one another didn’t exist. No words had really been spoken, maybe a mumbled sentence or two at most. Eventually, as Hakkai had continued to read his book, Gojyo had fallen asleep with his body turned onto his side so that Gojyo’s head had nestled itself into his stomach.

 

Hakkai set the book aside slowly, the subject no longer seeming all that interesting to the point he almost forgot that he had been reading at all. It had become habit to slowly run his fingers through Gojyo’s hair, so that he no longer even thought twice about it. Gojyo had always known that Hakkai had interest in his hair. That interest though had slowly changed since they had first met. Where once it reminded him of blood and sin, now it reminded him of Gojyo, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Hakkai found himself enjoying the way Gojyo’s breath slowly tickled through the thin fabric of his shirt. A small genuine smile crept across his face without him even realizing it. On one of his passes through Gojyo’s hair he couldn’t resist a small caress to the twin scars that adorned the cheek otherwise hidden by hair. At this small gesture Gojyo made a small sound of content and snuggled in even closer if that were possible.

 

The small smile on Hakkai’s face grew just a little more as a matching one surfaced on the sleeping face on his lap. Suddenly, Hakkai remembered that these times weren’t as important to Gojyo, but probably more so. After all that had happened in Gojyo’s life his concepts of intimacy and physical comfort were a bit different than most.

 

Gojyo had never made it a secret how promiscuous he was in his social life and Hakkai had certainly never passed judgement. After all, who was he to judge with a past like his? At least that’s the way he felt. Hakkai knew though that there was much more to Gojyo’s socializing than simply looking for a good time.

 

As much as Gojyo loved women, Gojyo was also afraid of them, or rather afraid what would happen if he got attached. Gojyo looked subconsciously for someone to need and accept him in the women he had surrounded himself with. He was always wanting to make them happy, but only for the night, afraid that if he actually stuck around they’d want more from him and he felt he had nothing to give. After all, he had never given his mother anything but pain and tears the way Gojyo saw it. If he actually tried to be anything to those women he thought they would only end in the same manner and Gojyo couldn’t handle the thought of yet another woman crying because of him. Hakkai knew all this, possibly even better than Gojyo since he chose not to acknowledge it. Hakkai also knew that his habits had been slowly changing as of late.

 

It had started with something as innocent as a flu as Hakkai remembered it. Gojyo had been miserably sick to the point that he had just curled up in bed and didn’t even seem to have the energy to get up to get a drink so as not to die of dehydration. So of course Hakkai took care of him, much to Gojyo’s surprise. When Gojyo had asked him why, Hakkai could do nothing more than smile sadly. Gojyo had gotten so accustomed to not having anyone around who actually cared that he had to ask why when someone did something as simple as take care of him when he was ill.

 

Ever since then there had been this unconscious bond between the two steadily building by just simply being there. It had gradually become common place to end up as they were now together on the couch and Hakkai would have it no other way. Gojyo wasn’t losing himself in alcohol and woman as much. Really, it seemed Hakkai couldn’t seem to recall the last time Gojyo had come home late with the smell of cheap perfume on him. For all this Gojyo seemed to be happier.

 

Hakkai knew that to Gojyo what they had was more intimate than anything he had ever done with some random lay. In Hakkai there was acceptance. Hakkai had never treated him as though he were less deserving than others and Gojyo reveled in it. All his life he had never wanted anything more simple than to just be. Hakkai seemed to gain just as much comfort from Gojyo as Gojyo did from Hakkai and that in itself made Gojyo happier than he imagined he could really be. There was something to be said about another person simply being there. That you could relax and be yourself with no guard to have to worry about. To Gojyo that was intimacy.

 

Hakkai wouldn’t trade these times for anything. Hakkai thought his future had ended that one fateful night, that there would never be anything more for him. The only person that had mattered to him was dead and gone. He was supposed to follow in his beloved’s footstep’s if it weren’t for the stubborn man curled around him now. He had thought that having to continue living was his punishment at first. After all, what was life without his Kanan? How wrong he had been.

 

Hakkai couldn’t imagine any other way he would have survived his own guilt if it weren’t for Gojyo. Just as he never judged Gojyo, Gojyo never judged him. He didn’t know what he had done that first month that he had known Gojyo to get him to be so protective of him. Perhaps Gojyo really was that happy to simply have someone around and that someone happened to be him. He couldn’t believe that Gojyo still had defended him after he had learned of his true nature and crimes. Somehow though the two emotionally ruined people that they were seemed to balance the other out. Hakkai still missed Kanan and always would. The pain no longer seemed as suffocating, especially now with the way he and Gojyo were around each other. There was such a simple comradery that he had never had with another.

 

Hakkai was pulled from his musing by the subject of said musings. Gojyo had mumbled Hakkai’s name so softly Hakkai had thought it was imagined at first. In his sleep, the hand that had been tucked into his own chest snaked out towards Hakkai and wrapped itself in the loose fabric of his shirt. A small gasp escaped Hakkai at this gesture. Suddenly Hakkai knew just how important these times were to Gojyo. He had always known to an extent, but now it became obvious. Hakkai decided then and there he was going to find out just how important this was to Gojyo and how much he wanted. Hakkai knew that before the day was over they would both have a new meaning to their intimate friendship if Gojyo felt the same as him and he knew that he did.

 

The smile that had slowly and progressively been forming was suddenly fully formed and actually reached Hakkai’s eyes.


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