Ikka Danran
by Trismegistus
Idiots. On all sides. He was surrounded by them, and it had been that way for as long as he could remember.
Fools. Morons.
Sometimes, Sanzou thought, legions of bloodthirsty youkai had their work cut out for them. It was the people who considered themselves his friends who were far more likely, through the sheer force of their combined stupidity, to kill him than any army of slavering demons.
"Hey, Sanzou!" Gokuu's voice, bright and eager and ... piercing ... as always, neatly invaded his concentration. "Hey! Sanzou! How long till we get to Gojou and Hakkai's? 'Cause I really want to ask Hakkai if he can make that curry udon again, the one he made for us the last time we were over. I'm gonna be really hungry since we're walking all the way to their house. And why couldn't they have just picked us up in Jeep instead of making us come all the way - "
"Shut up!" Sanzou gritted out between clenched teeth, managing to both retrieve his harisen from his robes and silence the monkey with it without breaking stride, a feat not easily accomplished but one which he had had countless opportunities to perfect. "How do you suppose those two would know to come and get us when they don't even know that we're on our way to visit, idiot?"
"Sanzou." Gokuu's face collapsed into that childlike wounded expression which might have made Sanzou remorseful for striking Gokuu if he hadn't been strong enough not to let it.
Idiots on all sides. Idiots, the three of them, Gokuu, Hakkai, Gojou. And apparently he was going to be spending quite a lot of time with them from now on.
He did not want to do this. Worse was the fact that he was sure that others would be similarly inclined. The two idiots seemed perfectly happy in their day-to-day little world, Gojou terrorizing the female population and Hakkai cleaning up after his messes, domestic and emotional, like the most devoted of mothers. Stupid and ultimately meaningless, yes, but a life he doubted either of them would be so eager to abandon. And for what? He had no intention of lying, no intention of acting as though friendship, which Hakkai at least seemed to believe bound them, was reason enough for them to fall into step behind him; he had nothing beyond the orders of three low-ranking celestials to compel them to follow him. Yet the Three Aspects had ordered him to the West and to make the journey with Gokuu, Hakkai and Gojou in tow. Gokuu, idiot monkey that he was, would have found a way to follow even had Sanzou chained him to the top of that mountain again. It was the other two who were going to be harder to convince. Yet the Three Aspects had ordered that he take them along, and had left to him the job of convincing the two idiot youkai that this was somehow worth anybody's time.
"Ah! Sanzou! We're here!" And then Gokuu was bounding down the street toward Gojou's apartment like an eager child, starvation-level hunger apparently forgotten. "Hmmph," Sanzou snorted, and followed the monkey at a more leisurely pace, so that by the time he arrived at the apartment Gokuu was already inside and talking at Hakkai a mile a minute.
"Ah, Sanzou. Please, come in." This from Hakkai, who seemed to be everywhere at once, attending to Gokuu's incessant pleas for attention, folding Gojou's laundry, and now, welcoming Sanzou into the apartment. Sanzou muttered something about being an inconvenience, sloughed off his sandals in the genkan and stepped inside, lighting a cigarette in the process. The sudden burst of nicotine through his veins steadied the headache that was starting to worry at his temples, but he had no delusions that a single cigarette would be sufficient for this evening. He would most likely kill a pack, maybe two, before he finally got business taken care of and Gokuu out of the door and back on their way to the temple.
Sometimes he wondered if they did it on purpose, Gojou and Hakkai, tag teaming him until he ended up wasting hours in this damn place. He didn't particularly enjoy himself, or their company, beyond the fact that it was a change of pace from the equally annoying population of the temple.
"Hey, monk!" Ah. This would be the other resident of the apartment. "Who the hell taught you to just waltz into people's houses without so much as a greeting? And keep your pet away from my food. I didn't win nearly enough hands last night to afford him eating all of this week's groceries."
"He's not my pet, and if you don't want him eating your food, you stop him." Sanzou shot a brief, withering glance in Gojou's direction before pulling a chair out from the small kitchen table and dropping himself into it. He was vaguely aware of Hakkai saying something to Gojou about how they were guests, after all, and didn't that make it their responsibility to offer some food if people were hungry, and... But by this time Sanzou had spotted today's paper, neatly folded and placed at the corner of the table by Hakkai, and opened it to the politics page. Damn Hakkai, damn Gojou, Gokuu, the Three Aspects, and their orders. They could all wait until he damn well felt like doing something about this whole mess.
For a while he was absorbed into the paper and the tales of the people contained in its pages, their trivial lives and trivial mistakes. Background noise rose and fell behind him. Gojou and Hakkai talking, Gokuu asking...something...Gojou's mocking retort and Hakkai's soothing tones following both, Gojou and Hakkai again, this time about trouble with a woman, or most likely (this was Gojou) women. Gokuu breaking into the conversation again, turning it to something else, most likely food (this was Gokuu). He turned a page.
Which was summarily anchored to the table by Gojou's elbows as he leaned across the furniture toward Sanzou. "Hey, monk..."
"Are you intentionally tempting death today, cockroach?" he replied. "Get off of the paper."
"Not," said Gojou, pressing the page more firmly to the surface of the wood, "until you enlighten us as to why the exalted Sanzou-Houshi-Sama has seen fit to take time off of his busy schedule and grace us with a visit."
"I believe I told you to get off of the paper."
"And I believe I asked what you were doing in my apartment..."
"Now, now." Hakkai bustled over, conciliatory as always, and pried Gojou from the table.
And then shot a swift, piercing glance at Sanzou. And although Hakkai said nothing else, Sanzou knew that this was as far as he would ever get without explaining the reason for his visit.
"I was given an order today," he said, "by the Three Aspects, to assemble the three of you and head West to stop the rising of the youkai tribes."
Silence.
"Ah," said Hakkai, "In that case I suppose we had best start planning. Food for a month would most likely be a good idea, as well as winter clothing and blankets."
"Wait a damn minute, Hakkai," Gojou, predictably, cut in. "Who says we have to go, anyway?"
"If this is the wish of the Three Aspects, we can't very well ignore it," Hakkai said reasonably.
"Funny," said Gojou, "but I don't remember any 'Three Aspects' asking me to do anything. What I do remember is this asshole monk coming into my house, filling my ashtrays with his foul smelling cigarette butts and reading my paper at my table."
"Watch your mouth, roach," Sanzou said, flipping the paper back to the leisure section. "Choose to follow or not; I'll most likely be better off without having to worry about keeping you out of trouble you can't handle."
"Oh?" said Gojou, "Don't get me wrong, asshole. I'm going. After all, the three of you are gonna need someone who knows his way around."
Hakkai chuckled in his polite, noncommittal fashion. Gojou met his gaze, evenly, and then with a slight yet noticeable arch to the eyebrows. A significant silence descended over the room.
Hakkai's eyes widened slightly, incredulously. "Wait, you mean that in all seriousness, Gojou?" he said. Another pause, and when no refutation from Gojou seemed to be forthcoming, "Oh dear."
"What do you mean, 'Oh dear?'" asked Gojou, a slight element of where-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-going-with-this-Hakkai? creeping into his voice.
"It's just that I fear for us all, if the safety and direction of our party rests," Hakkai responded evenly, "in the hands of a man who can't even fry an egg."
Sanzou, absorbed as he was by this time in the newspaper, would not under normal circumstances have noticed the surreptitious flash of Gojou's eyes in his direction following this last statement by Hakkai. This was the talk of idiots, after all. But at the moment, Sanzou was of the opinion that Gojou needed somebody to cool that flame colored head of his down a bit for him, and so he carefully arched one perfect, golden eyebrow before returning his undivided attention to his newspaper.
Which did the trick. "Can't fry an egg?" Gojou responded, indignation rising with each word. "What are you talking about, Hakkai? You've seen me do it!"
Idiots on all sides. It made his head spin, the thought that he faced months, most likely exquisitely prolonged months, of travel with these three morons.
"Eggs? Are we going to have eggs now?" This from Gokuu. Sanzou lowered the paper, cradled his head in his hands, squeezed his eyes tightly shut; relented when he realized that this only served to worsen the headache. If that idiot monkey did not shut up right now, and if he faced actual months of travel with...was that a smile on Hakkai's face?
"Yes, Gojou." Yes. There was a definite and pronounced twitch developing at the corners of Hakkai's mouth. "But wasn't it only yesterday that you asked me to make fried eggs for you, because you did not know how to make them yourself, and when I offered instead to demonstrate how one cooks them, you instead went to the conbini and returned with - "
"What the hell, Hakkai!" Gojou was standing now, taking furious drags off of his cigarette. "I know how to make a fucking egg!"
"Yes," Hakkai interjected patiently, with a slight, accommodating tilt of the head, "but you did, in fact, say that you did not know how to prepare a fried -"
"Jesus Christ! I was just trying to scam breakfast out of you, Hakkai! Drop it, will you? Jesus. I know how to make a fucking egg."
"So we aren't going to have eggs?" asked Gokuu, worry knitting his brow. "Ah! I know! Let's got to that conbini Hakkai was talking about and we can get some takoyaki and some Sanzou are you listening? Sanzou, hey, Sanzou, I said, 'let's go to the conbini' because I had to walk over here and I'm really hungry now and if we aren't going to have eggs..."
Gojou was staring at Hakkai with the beleagured expression of someone who just now realizes he's being had. "I know how to make a goddam egg," he reiterated. Hakkai fixed him with the same blank, solicitous stare.
It was Gojou's turn to smile. "Jesus Christ," he said again, shaking his head defeatedly. And then, "Hey, monkey! Since the Exalted Genjou Sanzou Sama made you walk all the way over here, the least he can do is treat us to some Indian food, don't you think?"
"Indian food? All right! Sanzou, Hakkai, come on, let's go!" And the monkey was back out the door before Sanzou could enlighten him to the fact that no one was getting any free meals today.
"Ah, Indian food sounds wonderful." And then Hakkai was smiling at him with that pleasant, unimposing smile, and Sanzou knew that if he refused to treat them now, he was the one who would be had.
"If we're gonna go, hurry the fuck up," he said irritably, lit another cigarette, and managed to beat Gojou out of the door. Gokuu was outside, jumping up and down in excitement, yammering all the while about the massive amounts of naan he was sure he could eat right now. A moment later, Gojou and Hakkai piled out of the apartment behind Sanzou.
Months. Of this. The invisible iron bands around his temples tightened ever so much.
"What a lovely evening," said Hakkai.
And they headed down the street.
