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Why Him by rasinah
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Standard disclaimers apply Notes: Inspired by a thread over at xxhakkaixsanzoxx LJ community, on why we 38’shippers prefer 38 and not other pairings. Rest assured no bashing of other pairings/characters here.

: - : - Why Him - : - :

Why him, you ask? In the first place, why do you even want to know?

You can’t fathom why it’s him? Don’t kid me! Really, you’re curious, aren’t you? You’re scornful, you think it’ll never work… but yet you are curious to know. Curiosity stems from the desire to know the truth; therefore, you do see a hint of truth in this, don’t you? But of course, you’ll never admit it.

I don’t need anyone. Get that fact right in your head! I do not need this illusion you call love, and neither does he, in case you’re wondering. He and I… we are very much aware that the Gods will always take away what we hold in importance. They make our lives hell and then they can’t save us; that is why we don’t believe in them. And that is why I told him of that simple truth that night when I pursued him. I could have let him kill himself; even though I kept saying that the mission of capturing the wanted criminal Cho Gonou was important, you do realize I don’t give much shit to what the Sanbutsushin say. I will carry out my orders, yes, but in the end, things can always be beyond my control. Yet I stopped him. Why, you ask? Why indeed?

Was it because I saw myself in him? Maybe. The helplessness of not able to protect the one you hold dear, the blood-tainted hands from the journey made thereafter, the point in time where you just want things to end because you can’t see the reason for living anymore… But in the end, I was enlightened, if you want to use that term loosely. Of course, I know it’s for myself and not anyone else’s. And just like retribution has its vicious cycle, compassion does too, if you have at least an ant-size conscience in you, that is.

Our past taught us an important lesson: non-attachment. Heed not others, living the way you deem fit, no worries of having to protect anything or anyone because you know you won’t be able to anyway. You say he worries? I suppose, yes, he may worry for those around him, but however sincere his worries may seem, I bet you don’t see that thin wall that holds him back from giving it his all. His subtle mockery is hidden under that good-natured humor and everlasting smile, like a thorn under silk. Altruism is not for someone as tainted as he is, and me. But unlike him, I wear my indifference like a war scar. I won’t say he’s foolish in leading his life that way; he has his own, I have mine. He minds his own business, I mind mine. Of course, he does make it a point to be nosey and fuss over me at times but he knows the limit to which he can push.

We are boring, you say? Have too much in common? Chh… your mind is narrow, is all I can say. You’re basing that again on love. You’re undoubtedly swayed by its romantic notions; love is when opposites attract, love is when life is not monotonous, love is warm… Bah! I’m a practical man. As I said, he and I… we do not need the illusion you so uphold. You will only end up losing it. When that happens, you realize that it is nothing more than a form of reassurance, to assure yourself that you mean something to someone. Both of you have to be careful. It is something so fragile; you will spend your time cradling it with care and try not to crack it. But you know it often does, and you’ll be busy trying to patch it up nicely. It is, in the end, just a burden. I don’t need a burden. Period.

But I will tell you what I need. I need comfort in my solitude. In those quiet moments, I do need a presence that exists, always, but does not stay, like Time itself. I need to be able to speak without words. I need to be understood without having to bare my soul. I need a drink to clear my thoughts, either coffee tinged with brandy or good sake, but not the senseless conversation that often comes with it. I need to be able to look at the moon but have its beauty commented not by me. I need a good company despite my aversion to it. Comfort in solitude.

Do you know that? I don’t think so, for if not, this utterly ridiculous conversation would not have taken place. What was that? What about wanting something I do not need to protect? Hell, yes! That doesn’t change one bit. Have I found it? You have eyes, don’t you? See for yourself. What was that? You can’t still figure out why it is him and not others? You really need to look beyond the surface, you know that.

Physical strength isn’t the only thing I have in mind when I say want something I do not need to protect. I also do not want something whose mind’s strength depends on me. I do not want to be held responsible for the collapse of one’s mind’s strength. I want something completely independent of me, and at the same time, I need to be completely independent of it. Which is why I can’t love anyone. He can’t love anyone again too. And just so you know, love is not the strongest bond in this world for it can never be unconditional.

You’re saying we are too cold now? You never know when to stop, do you? But to answer your question, perhaps we are. It’s all subjective. But what does it matter how we look like to you? You think we each look better with another? I can’t say for him, but if you can guarantee that I can have what I need and want with another, then prove it to me. Or do you perhaps think this person is capable of changing my perspective entirely, like how it always goes in a romance novel? You seriously need to put your time to better use. It may work that way for some, I guess, but not for me. This pain… no one understands it better than me. No one can make me forget it. So why him? Because he has his own pain too. I’m not saying he understands mine; ours may seem similar to you but the magnitude is different. I’ve had to live it with for ten years or so, much longer than he has. But he knows this pain — knowing and understanding is different — and it is enough for me to accept him. The others, they do not know… let alone understand it.

So why him? Now you know. But this is my point of view. You are probably still not convinced; the only way you will is if you are brainwashed, which isn’t likely to happen. And I don’t intend to make you see my way either. You asked, I answered. That is all. I don’t need your respect, but at least learn to respect an opinion. Chh… I can’t believe I just wasted part of my sleep for this. Now just shut the hell up and leave me — and us — in peace.

= owari =

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