The Fic of d00b

Or: Not So Happily Ever After

The doorbell rang.

Hazel was momentarily tempted to slouch further into his chair and direct a glare at the occupant of the other chair... but it wasn't something that he did (oh no, too undignified for him). Besides, Sanzo wasn't even looking in his direction.

Said Sanzo took another long drag on his cigarette, flipped the page of his newspaper, and patently ignored the door bell.

Hazel sighed. Gato was out killing spotty deer things[1] ("For old times' sake", the man/shikigami/half-man-half-shikigami had said), and Sanzo never answered the door, not even when he was the only one at home and Hazel had forgotten his keys...

...Gato was getting tired of breaking down the door as well.

The bell rang again. Alright, so it probably wasn't someone who'd go away on their own... Hazel wondered whom it could possibly be. Gojyo and Hakkai couldn't have gotten back from their honeymoon this quickly, and Gato wouldn't return until evening...

Reluctantly accepting the inevitable, Hazel pushed himself to his feet. He reached the door before the bell could chime a third time (something that invariably sent Sanzo into a snarling 'Urusee' fit).

"Hello--" Hazel paused. And squinted. "You would be...?"

A tall form draped itself on the doorframe and leaned threateningly close to -- no, over -- him. Hazel narrowed his eyes and resisted the urge to take a step back. People didn't always have to emphasize the fact that they were taller than him, and where was Gato when he needed him...

"I'm looking for Konzen Douji," the figure breathed. Hazel's eyes swivelled of their own accord to regard the movement of black spandex over pectoral muscl--

--"What the fuck are you doing here?!" Sanzo's irate voice exploded in his ear. Hazel jumped and skittered two steps back, a retort rising to his lips.

But Sanzo wasn't looking at him. Sanzo was glaring at their unknown visitor, who seemed to have backed up a couple of steps as well. Now that Hazel actually had a good look of the non-spandex bits, he noticed the mismatched eyes, the utterly tacky purple cloak, and... wait, were those... was this man an S&M fan?

"Konzen," the visitor smirked.

"For the last fucking time, my name is NOT KONZEN!" Sanzo yelled.

"Who is he?" Hazel asked.

"He calls himself Homura," Sanzo scowled, and stormed away from the door.

"Konzen's... I mean, Sanzo's ex." Homura winked at Hazel and stepped into the house.

Sanzo watched out of the corner of his eye as Hazel went absolutely rigid. It was amusing. He hadn't seen his wife-- husband-- adopt that particular expression since... since he'd stopped his youkai-exterminating crusade, actually.

"Homura Toushin Taishi. Presently retired, though," Homura said cheerfully. "And you would be Sanzo's new fling? He didn't tell me your name."

"Hazel," Hazel said, his voice silken smooth and dripping with venom. "I didn't see you at the wedding."

"What wedding?" Homura looked nonplussed. He glanced at Sanzo, glanced at Hazel, and glanced back at Sanzo. Then shock washed over his face like dawn across the sky in Saiyuki: Requiem. "You... you two... you..."

Hazel smiled. "Pleased to meet you, Homura Taishi."

"You didn't!" Homura's voice rose several notches. "Sanzo...?!?!"

"You were too busy running for Jade Emperor," Sanzo said nonchalantly. "Figured you didn't have time to drop by for some miserable little ceremony."

"But... he's a puny little mortal!"

Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "He doesn't maintain delusions about being seme."

Homura rounded on Hazel, who had turned an interesting shade of pink. "And just how did you manage to persuade Sanzo...?"

It was Sanzo who answered, amusement dancing in his eyes: "It's the sparkles." Right on cue, Hazel's shade of pink deepened, and he began sparkling faintly.

"Gah!" Homura snorted, flinging his hands into the air. His shackles conveniently whacked Hazel on the chin. "Months and months of work and he runs off with some pint-sized, snivelling--" he eyed Hazel's outfit "--bishop."

"Excuse me," Hazel growled.

"You are not excused," Homura scowled at him.

"Oh please," Sanzo said, rolling his eyeballs. "You were the one who decided that your political aspirations in Heaven were more important than some trivial relationship, anyway. And you still haven't told me what the fuck you're here for."

"Oh." Homura pulled himself up, and a smirk spread over his features. "I'm looking for Son Goku."

"Goku?" Hazel asked, at the same time Sanzo groaned: "Not again."

"Well, since you decided that even the War God wasn't good enough for you..." Homura sniffed disdainfully.

"War God?" Hazel said suspiciously.

"Have a problem with it, priestlet?"

Hazel's hand twitched in the direction of a hat brim that wasn't there. After running into Kanzeon at the wedding (the memory of that meeting still gave him nightmares), he'd given up protesting the fact. This continent -- accursed continent, his mind helpfully supplied -- was evidently infested with demi-godlings of every size, shape... and gender, he thought, recalling Kanzeon.

"Anyway," Homura continued, caught up in the tale -- Like a bullfrog gets enamoured of its voice, Hazel thought sourly -- "I decided that it is time to put the past behind us. I have decided to put aside my political goals for the moment--"

"--you mean you didn't get elected," Sanzo snorted.

"--and return to make amends to my one true love: Son Goku."

There was a pause.

"One true...?" Hazel said.

"You asshole," Sanzo snarled. "You were spewing the same 'one true love' bullshit at me--" his revolver was in his hand at the speed of very angry thought, aiming straight at the red dot in the middle of Homura's forehead.

Homura rolled his eyes. "You know that thing doesn't work on me."

"Oh yeah?" Sanzo paused and looked quizzically at the gun... then his right foot moved in a blur of motion, and Homura was staggering backwards, his face in a rictus of pain, his hands clasped over--

--Hazel smirked in spite of himself.

"Anyway, Goku's on holiday," Sanzo said, much more calmly. "So clear out, before I clear you out."

"And just how do you intend to do that?" Homura said.

Sanzo glanced up as the light from the doorway was suddenly blocked out. "I don't intend to do anything. I'll just leave it to Gato."

--x--

[1] Kudos to Kagenami for the phrase 'spotty deer things' XD

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