Muse : I have this crazy idea about sheep…
Sf : …
Idea : RAR!
Sf : *smack* *squish* *stomp*
Idea : x_x

They travelled for a little more. The sun was shining merrily down from a cloudless blue sky. Jiipu rolled down a rustic brown track amidst green fields all about.

It looked a lot better than it felt.

"Gaaahhh~! I’m baking to death!" Goku complained.

"Stu–" *boink* "–pid" *boink* "*bleep*" *boink* "ing" "boink* "BUMPS!" Gojyo yelled, as Jiipu went over another rut.

"Urusee," Sanzo hissed.

A little breeze picked up, blowing sand and gravel into their eyes. Sanzo and Hakkai ducked behind the windscreen as Goku and Gojyo muttered *bleeps* from the back.

Goku sneezed violently. "I think I’m getting hay fever…"

"Bakazaru," Gojyo snapped, chewing furiously on his nicotine gum as if it was some kind of oral stress ball.

"Will you two keep it down?!" Sanzo called.

"Oh? The high and mighty Sanzo-sama can’t stand noise? Needs absolute silence to *bleeping* meditate?" Gojyo growled back.

"Hey, no insults. No matter how well phrased they are," the Muse called.

"Gah… that stench of Hazelnut Coffee is gonna make me puke," Gojyo said.

"I think it’s the nicotine deprivation, more than anything. Possibly jeep sickness," the Muse replied. "Consider this your first warning. There won’t be a second."

"*bleeping*… stupid… muses..!" Gojyo muttered under his breath.

"I heard that."

"Do I give a *bleep*?"

There was a brief, icy silence.

Jiipu slowed to a stop.

"Ano.. Gojyo, I think you’ve really pissed it off.." Hakkai said.

"Um.. Gojyo?" Goku said.

There had been no flash of light. No trumpets and fanfare. Certainly no brilliant

fireworks. One moment, Gojyo was sitting there, the next…

"AHHHHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!!!"

"You’ve been chibified," Sanzo commented, smirking.

"You *bleeps*!" a mini-Gojyo yelled, jumping up and down on the seat. "Just wait..

I’ll get you for this!"

"Ehehee…" Goku burst into hysterical laughter. "Go..jyo.. you’re so cute when you’re chibified.."

"ARGH! I’m not cute! *bleep*it! Chicks don’t dig cute!"

"You’d be surprised," Sanzo replied gravely.

"And what would you know about it, *bleeping* monk?!"

"Ummm.. Muse?" Hakkai said.

"Yes?"

"Is this.. how long will this change last?"

"Hmmmmmmm." The Muse ho-hummed for a very long and stressful five seconds. Chibi Gojyo was hammering Goku on the arm in an attempt to get him to shut up.

"Welllll… the Boss said… maybe an hour or so…" the Muse sounded disappointed.

"Change me back this instant, you *bleep*heads!"

"If you keep cursing, the curse - ahahah, pun intended — will keep renewing itself. So it will last until midnight or so," the Muse smirked.

"Oh *bl–" Hakkai slapped a hand over Gojyo’s mouth. "No cursing," he said sternly.

"Unless you want to remain chibified for the rest of the day."

"Hakkai, I think you knocked him out," Goku said.

True enough, Hakkai’s hand totally obscured chibi Gojyo’s face. From the *bleep*s and the shrill yells behind it, though, it was evident that Gojyo was a very long way from unconscious, and very, very, mad.

Hakkai removed his hand.

Gojyo gasped for breath. "What were you trying to do?! Suffocate me?!"

"Any more swearing, and I *will*," Hakkai replied. "You’re acting worse than Sanzo on a bad day."

"Oh really?" Sanzo said acidly.

"Really," Hakkai replied. "Now settle down, so that we can make a move."

"I’m not settling down until that Muse changes me back!"

"Sorry. Boss’ orders — curse stays for the duration of one hour. No more, no less," the Muse replied. "Enjoy."

"I need a cigarette," Gojyo muttered.

"Gum?" Goku offered, picking up the pack of Marlboros. He pulled out a stick (of gum).

And burst out laughing.

"What is it?" Sanzo asked, leaning back.

"Hehheee…" Goku the gum up against Gojyo. It was slightly under half his height.

Gojyo twitched, as if visibly forcing down a whole barrel full of *bleeps*.

"At least it’ll last," Sanzo observed.

"*bleeping* monk!" Gojyo yelled, unable to restrain himself.

Sanzo smirked. Goku continued to howl with laughter. Hakkai was biting his lip to refrain from chuckling. Gojyo sat and fumed and tried not get entangled in the seat belts.

All was silent for another few minutes, until Jiipu went over a particularly large bump.

Gojyo went flying. "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh~!!!!"

He hit the ground rolling as Hakuryuu screeched to a halt and Hakkai leapt out. "Gojyo! Dai–"

Gojyo was jumping up and down. There wasn’t a scratch on him.

"I guess it’s as they say… chibis don’t get hurt…" Hakkai smiled. "No, Gojyo. Don’t swear. Don’t. Really."

"It’s unfair! Why me?!"

"Because you *bleep*ed off a certain Muse? Big time?" Goku suggested.

"Argh! I hate you!"

"Yeah, but you can’t touch me! Ero-ero-kapppaaaaaaaaaa!! Oops."

There was a rush of air as Goku disappeared. A distinctive pop sound as he reappeared… as a six-inch tall chibi. Everyone stared.

Then Gojyo burst out laughing. "Serves you right, saru!"

"Argh! I’ll kill you!" Goku sprang at Gojyo, fists raised.

"You think? Now that you’re my size? I’ll pound you to a pulp in five seconds!"

"They do look quite cute," Hakkai said.

"Hm," Sanzo replied, noncommittal.

"Rar!"
"Ar!
"Ah!"
"Gah!"

The two combatants were churning up a small cloud of dust. Sanzo and Hakkai waited, but when it became obvious that, being unhurtable chibis, neither side was going to stop or be pummeled into a paste any time soon, Sanzo sighed and returned to the Jiipu’s passenger seat. Hakkai grabbed each of them and dumped them into the backseat.

"Hey!" Goku squeaked.

"Settle your differences in the jeep. We’re going," Sanzo snapped.

"Differences? You bet we have differences!" Gojyo yelled, his voice comically high pitched. Both of them leapt back into the fray and continued to slug it out.

This lasted for another handful of minutes before Sanzo lost his temper.

"Will you two cut it out?!"

"What if we don’t?" Gojyo stuck his tongue out.

"You bloody…" Sanzo rolled up his sleeve and whacked Gojyo soundly over the head.

There was a zap this time. There was quite definitely a zap, sans thunder, but accompanied by a flash of white smoke.

"Oh dear… that makes three of them…" Hakkai sighed. Chibi Sanzo was standing rigidly in the front seat, a vein throbbing in one temple, and a very, very nasty smile on his face. There were cute little fangs in that smile.

Gojyo was smirking. "Sooo… how does it feel to come down to our level, Sanzo-sama?"

Sanzo leapt across into the backseat and socked him hard.

"Ohh, so Sanzo-sama’s not above a fist fight? Bring it on!"

Hakkai shook his head. With all the *bleeps* escaping the fray, it seemed likely that all three were going to remained chibified for a very, very long time. Cute as they might be, having three chibis fighting continuously in the backseat was not a pleasant prospect… especially not when Goku kept hitting the gear and switching them into reverse.

Finally, Hakkai turned. "If you three don’t cut that out, I’m going to slam each of you into a bento box and close the lid."

Sanzo’s Death Glare didn’t quite have its useful force, when he didn’t have the stature to back it up. It came out positively kawaii. "I mean it," Hakkai said, sounding for all the world like a parent scolding errant children. He grabbed Sanzo and dunked him back into the front seat, and tossed the satchel in between Gojyo and Goku to serve as a barrier.

"Some people are going to die," Sanzo hissed. He had no fewer than three vein popouts.

"Not in this fanfic," Hakkai replied, resisting the urge to pat him on the head. Sanzo would never forgive him for doing that. "No violence, remember?"

There was a funny sound coming from the seat next to his. Hakkai glanced over. Sanzo was grinding his teeth.

"Don’t do that. You’ll spoil your enamel."

Sanzo gave Hakkai the Very-Very-Nasty-Grin, and continued to grind his teeth.

"Well… have it your way. You are old enough to look after yourself."

*

Funnily enough, Sanzo was the first return to normal, possibly because he’d maintained an indignant and furious silence for the past hour, while Goku and Gojyo had been hurling selected *bleeps* at each other.

So, while Hakkai had stopped by a stream to refill their bottles of 100% Pure Mountain Spring Water, ‘Put a little spring into your life’ (TM), Sanzo, who’d been standing next to him, disappeared with a little yell and reappeared shortly after in his normal form.

"Well, you’re back. That’s a relief," Hakkai said.

"That was awful," Sanzo muttered, glancing back to where chibi Goku and chibi Gojyo were still making threatening noises at each other.

"Feeling better?"

"What do you think?"

"It pays to Use a Smile As Your Umbrella," Hakkai replied, smiling.

"Oh, shut up."

"At this rate, though, Gojyo and Goku aren’t going to return to normal any time soon."

"That might not be a bad thing."

"They are cute. So were you."

"..."

"Don’t grind your teeth, Sanzo."

*grind**grind**grind*.

***

"Aha! There they are!"

"Nani?!" Hakkai and Sanzo glanced up.

Youkai were swarming into the area.

"We’re being surrounded," Hakkai muttered.

"I thought the Muse said that there wasn’t going to be any violence.."

"Looks like that clause only applies to us."

"How bad can one day get?"

"Sanzo! Youkai!" Goku yelled.

"I know, bakazaru!"

"They’re coming for us! How’re we supposed to take them down?" Gojyo demanded. He leapt up and kicked a youkai hard across a shin.

"Ow!" the youkai snarled, fishing Gojyo up with a clawed finger.

"I’ll take that," Hakkai said with a smile, swiftly snatching Gojyo away. "Sanzo! Get Goku!"

"Why *me*?" Sanzo muttered, grabbing Goku and shoving him into a sleeve pocket.

"Mmph! There’s a newspaper in here! I can’t breathe!" Goku’s cries were only partially muffled.

"Then shut up and save your breath!"

"And a pair of specs.. hey, Sanzo, I found your glasses!"

"Keep your grubby paws off my spectacles!"

The youkai were sniggering.

"How are we supposed to get out of this without killing any of them?" Sanzo demanded of the sky.

"Think. You’re supposed to be the smart one, Sanzo."

"Heh heh. We’re gonna totally *destroy* you," the lead youkai smirked.

Hakkai and Sanzo groaned.

"Hey! It’s not our fault if we can’t say the ‘k’ word!" the youkai said, indignant.

"Then keep quiet, and don’t say anything at all," Hakkai said sweetly.

"Don’t open your mouth and prove that you’re an idiot," Sanzo muttered.

"Well.. I’ll try something," Hakkai said, gathering his ki. A glowing yellow ball appeared between his finger tips. "This might work!"

*snap**crackle**pop*
*fizzzzzle*

"Oops."

The little glow of light flashed out of existence, accompanied by the sound of a lightbulb fusing.

"Well... let’s try that again..."

The glow of light reappeared between Hakkai’s hands. It grew in size and intensity, becoming brighter and brighter..

...and heavier and heavier...

...Until it rolled out of Hakkai’s hands and hit the ground with an audible thump. And stayed there, an incongruous yellow rubber ball.

"Very well done," Sanzo said.

"Third time’s the charm," Hakkai said doggedly, taking a deep breath. Light grew and accumulated between his palms.

"Hope for the best!" Hakkai cried, and fired.

The ki blast zipped forward. And passed straight through the first youkai. And the next. And the third. Then it shrank, and began zipping around like a firefly.

Sanzo slapped his forehead. Hakkai smiled shakily.

"It’s light. Light can’t hurt us!" a youkai said.

"Yeah, but sticks and stones can!" chibi Gojyo snapped.

"You watch your mouth..."

"Yeah, I am!"

"Ne, Sanzo!" Goku’s voice came drifting out of Sanzo’s sleeve pocket. Sanzo looked down in irritation.

"I’ve found your credit card!"

"Oh *bleep*!" Sanzo cried, fishing Goku out in a hurry.

Goku grinned and waved the gold card triumphantly. "All the food I could ever want! Forever and ever and ever and–HEY!"

Sanzo snatched the card away and plonked him unceremoniously onto the ground. "And for that, you can look after yourself!"

"Sure I can look after myself!" Goku railed, shaking a fist. "I always look after myself!"

"I’ll believe it when I see it."

"I’ll show you!" Goku leapt up and charged towards the nearest youkai.

Who stomped him flat. "Ahaha... that’ll fix you.."

"Wanna bet?" a squeak sounded from beneath his shoe.

"Nani?!" cautiously, the youkai lifted his foot. Goku bounced out, looking furious, but otherwise unscathed. "I’m a chibi! You can’t hurt me! So there!"

"Well, you can’t hurt me either!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Sanzo... we should do something..." Hakkai said urgently.

"I’m working on it," Sanzo said, staring very hard at his pack of chewing gum.

"Really, I’m serious..."

"All right," Sanzo sighed. "MAKAI.. TENJO!"

The sutras snapped out. Youkai screamed dramatically the moment it touched them, and struggled against it, to no avail. Evidently, they couldn’t break their paper bonds.

"Well then," Sanzo cocked his head. "At least that stopped them."

"Excellent! We can make a move..."

"Just one problem."

"And that is?"

Sanzo scowled. "How the *bleep* am I supposed to get my sutras back?"

"Good question. Muse, how do we.."

"Figure it out yourself," came the rather annoyed reply.

"Simple," Gojyo said. "We stay here until this stupid curse wears off, then we get our weapons back and slaughter the lot of them."

"That would work..."

"New rules of engagement," the Muse called. "You don’t just have to survive until midnight, you have to clear this enchanted region as well."

"How are we supposed to get anything done if you keep changing the rules?" Goku demanded.

"I’m not changing them. I’m just adding to them. Ja ne~!"

"Okay. Then we’ll have to use the backup plan," Gojyo sighed.

"Pray, tell," Sanzo said.

"We leave Sanzo here, with his sutras, and we– mmph! MMPH!"

"Idea vetoed," Sanzo said smoothly, holding the plastic bag over Gojyo’s head.

"Eh.. Sanzo.." Goku looked worried. "You’re becoming more and more like Hakkai.."

"Which side of Hakkai?"

"Eh... the nasty side..."

"Good."

"Well," Hakkai sighed. "Let’s do it this way." He walked over to where the youkai leader was still suspended in mid-air. "Sumimasen. Are you the leader of this group?"

"Yeah.."

"I have a proposition."

"Yeah? How about, you let us down, and we rip out your guts?"

"Not quite. Either we let you down, and you run away, or we tie you up again and make you listen to the Barney song on indefinite repeat." Hakkai’s grin was distinctly evil.

"Or the Song That Never Ends!" Goku chortled.

Gojyo fought his way out of the paper bag. "Or the Spice Girls!"

"Ahhh...."

"Erm, boss? I think we should run away.." another youkai suggested.

"Yeah, run away. Definitely run away..."

"Sheesh, these guys are dead cruel.."

"So it’s agreed?" Hakkai smiled, and nodded to Sanzo.

"Hmph." Sanzo shook his head and recalled the sutras.

"Aaaaaahhhh!!!" youkai tumbled out of the sky and hit the ground. And sprang up and ran for dear life. There were fading cries of : "Let’s get outta here!" "HURRY!"

"RUN!" "Not the Barney song! Nooooooo!!!"

In a rising cloud of dust, they vanished into the horizon.

"Well, that’s settled," Hakkai said.

Gojyo and Goku chose that moment to become un-chibified. There was another rush of air, a small cloud of white smoke, and two pops. Goku and Gojyo found themselves sitting on the ground and glaring at each other.

"Ph-ew." Gojyo passed a hand over his eyes. "This is such a relief."

"Yeah," Goku replied, flopping over onto his back. "And I’m starving..!"

"There’s still some cabbage left over from lunch," Hakkai observed.

"Eek!"

"With caterpillars, if you’re lucky," Sanzo said. "Adds to the flavor, really."

"ARGH! That totally ruined my appetite!"

"You don’t eat caterpillars? What a pity," Gojyo sighed.

Sanzo glanced at Hakkai. "You were right."

"Hm?"

"They were cuter as chibis."

***
To be completed?
***

Sf : Tell me honestly, do you have any clue when this is going to end?
Muse : Um.. no?
Sf : Well, then work on it! I’m running out of ideas!
Muse : *bleepity bleep*.

And so the crazy humor fic went on...

Muse : Like a Duracell bunny! It just keeps going on and on and on...

***