He sat by the window, inhaling deeply a stick of his favored Hi-Lite before exhaling leisurely and heavily. The wisps of nicotine smog curling out from his lips and nose caressed the glass pane gently before disappearing into nothingness. He repeated the action, wine-red eyes watching the occurrence blankly. He chanced to glimpse those vacant spheres echoing off the translucent surface, the redness of them haunting his mind. Soon enough, a familiar face with long, claret tresses and two distinct scars materialized before him, mocking and reminding him of who he was.

Not that he needed any reminder. He was fully aware of his cursed existence, a result of a forbidden union between a youkai and a human. He did not understand why he had to bear the marks of his parents’ sins. He did not ask to be born into the world. He did not ask for a chance at life. And yet he was created, out of the selfishness of two who did not stop to think about the consequences and thereafter leave him alone to face the world’s wrath. He was trapped in between, neither a human nor a youkai. He had no identity as neither races could identify him as their kind.

And though he was taken in, out of pity, he was still very much on his own. He had to fight back tears every time he saw aniki and okasan together, laughing and joking around. And it did not help that the other kids shunned him. But still, he guessed he was lucky enough to be accepted by aniki, who loved him dearly and saw no fault in him.

He turned away from the face in the window and closed his eyes shut, the cigarette trapped between his lips hanging limply. The sonata of crickets in the distance did little to soothe his troubled soul and aching heart as one painful question kept playing in his mind.

When will he find love?

When will he find love, one that he was able to receive without diffidence, without being reminded of who he was, the life he was subjected to and the tears that had been shed at the sight of him? When will he find love other than that bestowed upon him by his aniki, which even so, was short-lived?

He felt a trail of dampness skimming down the scarred cheek but was not bothered to wipe it away. Nights like this one, when he was overwhelmed by the unwelcome reminiscences, a tear or two were allowed to fall, as if his burden would be lessened by their departure. Away from prying eyes of the world, blanketed by the night, there was no one to witness his despair.

A sudden flick at his cheek, movement as quick as a passing draft but the tingle of it unmistakable, forced his lids opened and he found himself reflected in liquid gold. So surprised he was that his mouth widened into a gasp, causing the inert stick to fall onto his lap, lit-end headlong. He cursed under his breath then and quickly swiped away the stick before it burned through his pants. Looking up, he saw those golden orbs gazing at him intently.

“Doshite?”

For a moment, he was clueless as to what the lad was asking about. Only when a finger was raised revealing a touch of moist did he realized what the lad was referring to.

“Doshite, Gojyo?” the question was repeated again, the vehemence in it startling the half-breed slightly.

He issued a direct gaze, intense and solemn, before looking away and running a hand through his hair in an effort to look blasé. “Betsuni. Just go back to sleep, Goku,” he said quietly.

“Yada! Tell me what’s wrong with you. I’ve never seen you…” the lad trailed off then, unsure, and in the end settled for a shift of gaze from the half-breed to his still-damp finger.

“I’m going to bed,” Gojyo prevaricated instead as he got off the broad window sill.

His wrist was captured in a tight grip then and he turned, watching those usually cheery features contorted into a disapproving look. “This is not like you, Gojyo…”

The concern in Goku’s voice scourged his heart and he wondered why. Faking an exasperated sigh, Gojyo attempted a wide grin and reached out to ruffle the brown hair. He chanced to feel the cold and hard diadem that seemed out of place amidst the silky warm tresses. “Since when you are so concerned about me, eh?” he teased then.

That got the saru’s attention. “Concern? I’m not concern about you, ero kappa!” the lad mumbled, a tinge of pink highlighting the apples of his cheeks.

Gojyo chuckled instead, not in the mood to engage the lad in another round of name-callings battle. He just wanted to get away from the unwanted scrutiny as soon as possible. “Ja, I’m going to bed now.” He tried to move away but the grip upon his bandaged wrist was not loosening.

“You were thinking about yourself, weren’t you?”

His heart positively stopped beating for a few seconds before his brows knitted into a deep frown of contempt.

“I knew it!”

“You don’t know anything!” the half-breed snapped, jerking his hand away from the lad.

“I know so!” Goku replied indignantly. “I know that Gojyo feels sad about being a half-breed. But you are not the only one. I, too, feel sad sometimes about who I am. Remember, Homura said I am a heretic, one who brings both fortune and disaster. I’m also neither human nor a youkai. I am just like you.”

Just like him? Gojyo was perilously close to slapping Goku but instead he staggered backwards and slumped once again on the broad sill. Just like him? He had to keep reminding himself that the boy was, well, just a boy and that what Goku had said was nothing more than an innocent revelation. Goku was not trying to mock him, he knew, and in a way, it was true that the golden-eyed boy was neither human nor youkai. Even so…

“Zip it, saru. You’re nothing like me,” he groused and looked once again at his reflected self in the glass pane.

Goku stepped up and Gojyo could see the lad’s reflected image. The image opened its mouth. “Talk to me, Gojyo.”

Since when did Goku decided to become a counselor? He maintained his silence and hoped that the saru would eventually leave him alone.

“Naa, Gojyo… do girls make you forget about your sadness?”

Another succinct question from the sudden expert on Sha Gojyo’s hidden attributes. But rather than be angry, Gojyo found himself slightly comforted to know that at least someone was aware of the turmoil of complexities within him, though he would never in a million years expected it to come from his archrival in food and insults.

“I guess,” he admitted, forgetting about his resolve. “When they are happy, I am happy.” It was true. The better he was able to pleasure them, the better he would feel about who he was even though it was only provisional. He had never once been able to make okasan happy which was probably why he saw those girls as a way of compensation. But it was strange that even though those girls were willing to be in his company and probably even loved him, they were still unable to reach out to his heart which was longing for love. A terrible irony.

The window pane revealed that Goku had stepped up closer to him. The boy’s brown head encircled by the ominous gold diadem hovered distinctly beside his own red tresses and Goku’s words about him being neither human nor youkai seeped through his mind. Gojyo knew there was truth in the lad’s words. Perhaps the saru was just like him. Not knowing what to call oneself, lost in society’s rigid social structure…

No, Goku was not like him. Goku did not bear any sign to indicate that he was a misfit. He could still walk among men and not have his heritage be scrutinized at. A heretic was only the concern of those in Tenkai, not of the ones breathing and living in Togenkyo. Down here, the half-breeds were the ones scorned upon.

“You’re not alone, you know. You don’t have to keep finding a girl.”

Those simple statements tore him away from his mind’s ramblings. He did not turn, gazing instead at the reflection, who stared back at him, the earnestness in those gold orbs unmistakable. “Oh? And I suppose you are offering yourself as a replacement for those girls?” Gojyo could not resist asking. There was something ambiguous hanging between them, he could feel it, but what it was he knew not. Strange but it was something he felt deep within him, as if it was there all along but he did not realize it… until now.

He watched as Goku frowned darkly, sighed and then shook his head as if the half-breed was the most addle-brained person to ever walk in Togenkyo. “Baka hentai ero kappa!” he muttered. “I’m going back to sleep.” Without another word, the lad turned and walked away to his bed, bringing his reflection along with him, leaving behind the half-breed with his cloak of red.

The sudden departure forced Gojyo to turn away from the window and he wanted to call the annoying saru back. He did not understand it but he was suddenly feeling very much alone. If he were to turn back to the window, he would only see redness. He wanted the brown back.

But words found no means of escaping from him. Goku had already crept into bed and in mere seconds, the lad began to emanate a loud snore. Seeing how easily Goku had lapsed into sleep, Gojyo wondered if the whole ordeal had been the result of his weary imagination.

He turned back to the window and saw the redness that defined him.

He definitely wanted the brown back.