Ravage Love
by Helena Handbasket
Gojyo took a puff of his cigarette, exhaling into the scorching hot air. They’d been driving through the desert for two days, but it felt more like two weeks. Damn, it was hot. Too hot to eat, too hot to sleep, too hot to talk or fight or think about sex. Too hot to argue, not that it mattered. The monkey was conked out snoring on the jeep bed, his pant legs rolled up as high as they would go. In the front, Sanzo was dozing while Hakkai drove on and on across the endless stretch of sand, humming faintly to himself as if the heat didn’t get to him at all. Gojyo leaned forward, hooking his chin over Hakkai’s shoulder.
“Ya know, if you drove a little faster, I might get some more breeze back here.”
“If I drove a little faster, Hakuryu would overheat, and we’d be stuck here with no breeze at all.” He turned his head to the side, forcing Gojyo to back off to prevent their noses from mashing together, and smiled good-humoredly.
“Fine, I get it.” Gojyo plopped back into his seat, glancing desperately around for anything that might relieve him of this mind-crushing dullness. A faint rustling caught his attention, and he noticed a newspaper wedged behind Sanzo’s seat. Gojyo wasn’t usually the type to pay attention to the news, but he was bored out of his skull and he still had an hour to go before he could start plugging Goku’s nose while he slept without Hakkai scolding him. Apparently the kid “needed his sleep.”
He snatched up the newspaper and flapped it open. World News: boring. Local News: boring. Ads, ads. Style Section: bullshit. Features: bunch of pompous old… Wait a minute… A headline caught his eye: Ravage Love. His eyes roved over a handful of letters and responses, and he quickly got the gist. Sex advice column, eh? Now this could be interesting.
It was very interesting. Some of the letters were pretty out there, way beyond the vanilla questions you usually saw in these types of columns. There was a girl having lesbian orgies with members of her mother’s knitting circle. A guy complaining that his girlfriend dressed him up in diapers but refused to breastfeed him. Some chick who was the dom in a three person domestic partnership, whose lovers were constantly bickering over whether she should wear black leather or red. A gay guy who dressed up as a furry animal during sex, and was scared to tell his partner that he wanted to start dressing as a different kind of furry animal. Gojyo was riveted.
And the columnist’s advice was usually pretty good, if sometimes brutally tongue-in-cheek. If the letter writer was an asshole, the columnist was an asshole, but if the writer clearly needed his guidance, he doled it out without sugarcoating. Gojyo thought it was just about the best column ever, until he got to the last letter.
May 20
Dear Mr. Ravage,
I’ve never written a letter like this before…
‘Ha,’ thought Gojyo. That’s what they all say.
…but I have a dilemma. In my career, I am faced with several restrictions. However, the nature of my position requires that I break some of these restrictions. I adhere to some, but not to others. But recently I have been tempted to transgress even those restrictions which I had heretofore obeyed. So my question to you is this: given that I am absolved of wrongdoing by the higher-ups in my company for breaking some restrictions, does this absolution extend to other restrictions, or am I under a moral obligation to minimize my transgressions?
Thanks for your advice,
Feeling Uncertain
‘What the hell kind of question is that?’ Gojyo wondered. ‘I’ve only been reading this column for ten minutes, and I know Ravage’ll tear him a new one. What a moron.’ Brimming with expectant schadenfreude, he moved on to the response.
Dear FU,
Um… yes?
Look, this is a sex column, not an ethics column, nor is it a forum for prosaic vagaries. If you’re too much of a chicken shit to explain your problem, I can’t help you. I printed this as a lesson to all of you Readers: if you write to me, be specific. I need details, people, or you’re just going to get advice that looks like, “Um, yes?” And that doesn’t help anyone.
Dong
Gojyo smirked. ‘Zing! Nice one, Dong.’
Either the breeze was getting stronger, or Hakkai had taken pity on him and picked up a little speed. Gojyo let the newspaper sheets slip from his fingers and go fluttering off into their dusty wake. The sun was lower on the horizon now, but they still had a few hours on the road. He prodded Goku with his foot, but all this elicited was a thunderous snore. Gojyo frowned, wishing he hadn’t tossed the paper away, even though he’d already read the only good thing it had to offer. He glanced at the back of Sanzo’s seat and saw that – score! – there was another newspaper crammed in behind it. Grabbing the paper, he flipped immediately to the Features section for another jackpot of pervy problems. Lots more good stuff: incest, fetishes, sex toys – everything an avid reader could ask for. But once again, the last letter changed the tone, but the change this time was very, very different.
May 22
Dong –
Fine. You want specifics? I’m a monk. I smoke, I drink, I swear, I kill. I do not, however, have sex. Not yet, anyway. I’ve recently started to feel attracted to one of my co-workers, and it’s getting distracting. I think this person would be receptive to my advances, but it’s driving me crazy not knowing one way or another. I’ve tried other outlets for my sexual frustration, but nothing works. If I don’t do something soon, my balls are gonna pop off.
Forlorn, Unsatisfied
Gojyo was so completely floored that he read the letter twice more. Then he flipped the paper closed and checked the publication date: two days ago, the day they left the last village. The paper he’d thrown away must’ve been an older one. He stared at the back of Sanzo’s head. The monk was awake now, poring over the map and strategizing with Hakkai about where they should stop for the night. Gojyo looked back down at the letter. That couldn’t be him, could it? Since when did Sanzo ask for advice? But it had to be him. Still in shock, Gojyo moved on to the response.
Dear FU,
It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, and rightly so. My guess is that transgressions like smoking and drinking are not part of your job description, so you’re already breaking the rules. You’ve just been hesitant about sex because you think it’s a bigger deal than the others, but I’ll lay it out for you: it’s not. If you think this co-worker is into you, then go for it. After all, even a monk needs his balls.
Dong
Folding the paper, Gojyo tucked it into his shirt for future perusal. Goku had finally woken up, and was droning on and on about being hungry. After repeatedly demanding silence and being ignored, Sanzo wrenched around in his seat and thwacked Goku hard on the head with his fan. Gojyo chuckled. Other outlets, eh? He wondered if Sanzo would follow Dong’s advice. Either way, the trip just got a little more interesting.
That evening at camp, he pulled Hakkai aside as they headed out to gather some firewood. “Hey, you ever heard of Dong Ravage?”
Hakkai tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Isn’t he that gay sex advice columnist who uses sarcasm to solve people’s problems?”
“It’s not just gay sex,” Gojyo corrected defensively, “and he isn’t always sarcastic.”
“Not the sex, Gojyo, the columnist. The columnist is gay. And it seems he has a new fan.” His eyes sparkled as if he found it endearing that Gojyo enjoyed reading about other peoples’ kinks.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s good stuff,” Gojyo said hurriedly, anxious to get to the point before Sanzo came looking for them. He pulled out the newspaper. “Check out this letter.”
Hakkai perused it and looked up in confusion. “Why the sudden interest in overly hirsute women?”
“Not that one, fool, this one.” He prodded his finger at the top of Sanzo’s letter.
“Oh my!” exclaimed Hakkai.
Gojyo gestured expansively. “I know! It has to be Sanzo, doesn’t it?”
“Well I certainly hope there’s no one else like him running around.”
“So you think he’ll make a move on the monkey?”
Hakkai considered, neatly folding the paper and handing it back. “Perhaps. But it might not be Goku he’s attracted to. Maybe it’s you.”
Gojyo hadn’t even thought of that. “Yeah, or maybe you.”
Chuckling, Hakkai shook his head. “I doubt it. Knowing Sanzo, he’d want a much flashier number.”
“Hey, now, you’re plenty flashy.” Gojyo frowned the moment the words were out. Why the hell had he just said that? Just being nice, he supposed. After all, it wasn’t as if Hakkai wanted Sanzo to hit on him, but that didn’t mean he should have to feel unattractive.
“Ah, well, thank you, Gojyo. That was a very sweet thing to say.” Hakkai’s response was genuine, but pretty fuckin’ awkward.
Tucking the paper into his jacket, Gojyo looked around warily and lowered his voice. “Just to be safe, let’s bunk on the same side of the tent tonight. If Sanzo goes after the monkey, we’ll be out of their way. If he wants one of us, well, we’ll have each others’ backs. Safety in numbers.”
Hakkai laughed and shook his head. “It’s a proposition, Gojyo, not a sneak attack.”
Arms folded, Gojyo just looked at him, eyes widened in appeal.
Hakkai was always a sucker for that look. “Oh, very well,” he sighed. “If it will make you feel better.”
But Gojyo’s victory only lasted a few hours, because it didn’t fucking work out that way. Just as they were rolling out their sleeping mats to bed down for the night, Sanzo ducked into the tent. “Hakkai. I need you outside for a minute. There’s something we need to discuss.”
“Of course.” Hakkai rose and followed him out of the tent, casting a parting look over his shoulder at Gojyo, offering a warm smile of reassurance. Gojyo tried to remind himself that it wasn’t a big deal, even if Hakkai was the one Sanzo had the hots for. He just hoped Sanzo wouldn’t shoot him when he turned him down.
He tried to stay awake until Hakkai and Sanzo came back, but he was too damn tired, and Goku’s snores on the other side of the tent were strangely soporific, like ocean waves. When he woke up the next morning, there was a monkey boot on his stomach. As was his wont, Goku had migrated in his sleep, taking Hakkai’s spot.
Propping himself up on his elbows, Gojyo squinted through the tent flap to see that the sun was just barely rising. On the other side of the tent, Hakkai and Sanzo lay sleeping side by side.
* * *
A few days went by, and everything seemed pretty normal, although Gojyo found himself constantly scrutinizing Sanzo’s interactions with the other two. In the beginning he’d been sure the monkey was the target, but that night Sanzo lured Hakkai out of the tent kept haunting him. He started paying attention to their conversations and their body language, and he realized with astonishment that Sanzo genuinely liked Hakkai. They actually got along, and Sanzo hardly ever threatened to kill him. To Gojyo, this was absolutely mind-blowing. He had always believed that Sanzo didn’t like anyone, and amid all the bickering and death threats, he’d never noticed that Hakkai always got spared. It had been there all along, but he just hadn’t realized. Gojyo still wasn’t sure what Sanzo was thinking, though – as much as he drove him nuts, the monk did have some kind of weird bond with Goku, and he was pretty sure Hakkai would tell him if Sanzo tried to make a move. But the whole situation was just confusing and disconcerting and weird. The only thing Gojyo knew for sure was that Sanzo sure as hell wasn’t hitting on him.
Gojyo was slouching down the street of a tiny village, smoking and brooding over this subject, when Sanzo sauntered up. They had made it out of the desert and back to some approximation of civilization, but their timing between villages had been off, and tonight was the first night they were going to get to sleep with a roof over their heads. They’d stopped over to grab lunch before the long push to their night’s destination.
As the monk approached, Gojyo warily slowed his pace. Sanzo looked smug about something, and that was never good. Before he could say anything, Sanzo slapped a newspaper against his chest.
“What the hell is this?”
“Yesterday’s newspaper. I found it on the driver’s seat, so Hakkai must have left it there.”
“And this interests me why?” Inside, Gojyo was painfully curious. Had Sanzo written another letter? He kind of hoped this one was a tearful tale about hitting on Hakkai and getting dumped on his ass.
“You’ll see,” said Sanzo. “Check the Features section.”
He wandered off, and Gojyo diligently waited until he was out of sight before tearing open the paper and scanning for the right page. The letter he was looking for was at the top of the column, but it was not the one he had expected.
May 27
Dear Mr. Ravage,
Something very odd happened to me the other day. Out of the blue, a friend of mine approached me with a sexual proposition. This friend is male and so am I, but even though my only previous relationship was heterosexual (if rather unconventional), I am perfectly willing to entertain the possibility of a gay love affair. I must admit, in fact, that I am intrigued. My friend is very attractive, and I enjoy his company (most of the time), but I am not in love with him. What I want most is a committed relationship, and he is not the person I see myself with in the long term. What should I do?
Torn Whether I Should Try Erotic Dichotomy
Gojyo cringed. This couldn’t be happening. Hakkai was actually considering giving Sanzo a go? His eyes slid down to the response.
Dear TWISTED,
I don’t know how old you are, but if you’ve only had one relationship, it’s not a bad idea to get yourself out there. Your friend may not be the man of your dreams, but he’s ready, willing, and present. Even if you’re mostly straight, a little experimentation won’t hurt, and whatever you do with this guy will help you get in touch with all aspects of your sexual nature, and make you that much more of a Sheet Tiger when your Ms. (or Mr!) Right finally does come along. In the meantime, enjoy what your friend has to offer. Just make it clear to him that it’s just sex, not anything more. The last thing you need out of this is a love-crazed stalker.
Dong
Dammit, Dong. Gojyo sighed. He couldn’t believe that Hakkai was so sex-starved that he would consider sleeping with Sanzo. And why hadn’t he said anything to Gojyo about it? Maybe he was just embarrassed, but still. The letter weighed on Gojyo’s thoughts all afternoon; he was so quiet and non-disruptive that Goku and Hakkai kept shooting him strange looks. But Sanzo? Sanzo just smirked. He’d actually had the unholy balls to throw this affair in Gojyo’s face, like, “Not only am I going to steal your best friend, I get to nail him too.” What a goddamned fucking asshole.
As they approached the village, Gojyo started thinking about the chronology of things. The paper had just come out yesterday, and last night they’d camped out, so Hakkai wouldn’t have had a chance to follow Dong’s advice yet. If Gojyo could just get him alone, he’d be able to talk some sense into him. Confused and horny as he might be, Hakkai would always listen to reason, and there were a million of them not to jump in bed with fucking Sanzo.
It was nearly midnight by the time they pulled up to the inn, and everyone was grumpy. Except Goku, of course. “Hey, Sanzo! Can I room with you tonight?”
“No,” was the definitive response. Sanzo turned his head and pierced Gojyo with a vindictive smile. “I’ll be rooming with Hakkai tonight.”
* * *
After a few days of Gojyo’s sullen silence, Hakkai was beginning to get worried. It wasn’t like him to be so reserved, and every attempt at conversation had fallen flat; Hakkai’s pleasant inquiries were met only with monosyllabic responses. That morning’s breakfast had felt more like a funeral, with even Goku acting unusually calm and watchful. Sanzo was still in bed, getting some much needed rest after a late night, so Hakkai sent Gojyo and Goku out on a supply run, and decided to tidy up their room in the interim.
The room wasn’t as bad as he had expected, but there was still a fair amount of trash lying around, so he began leisurely collecting it until a particular piece of trash caught his eye. It was that morning’s newspaper, folded to the Features section. Gojyo must have bought it during his morning cigarette break. Hakkai scanned the page idly as he carried it to the trash, until a letter caught his eye.
May 30
Dong,
Let me make one thing clear up front: I love the ladies. I haven’t gotten much action recently because I have to travel a lot for work. But I don’t really mind because my best friend travels with me, and we get along great. He’s always there for me, you know? At least he was until recently. Suddenly he keeps blowing me off to hang out with this other guy we work with, and I think there might be something going on. You know, SOMETHING. I didn’t think he was gay, but maybe he is – he’s a killer chef and a monster with a needle and thread (I know you gay guys like that kind of thing) – but if that’s the case, I’m cool with it. He can do what he wants. But it totally creeps me out to think of him being with this particular guy. It’s not like I want to fuck him myself or anything, but he’s way too good for this schmoe, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Even if they’re not doing it now, I know the other guy totally wants to. How can I find out what’s going on?
Please, I Suspect Someone Evil Dreams Of Friend Fucking
Hakkai cocked his head and read the response.
PISSEDOFF,
Let me make one thing clear up front: you’re a homo and you’re in love with your friend.
Dong
Hakkai dropped onto the bed and re-read the letter and response, hand covering his mouth. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
* * *
After what he’d read the last time he looked at the column, Gojyo would have been perfectly happy never to read that traitorous Dong’s advice again. But regardless of how frustrated he was with the group’s interpersonal affairs, his boredom got the best of him, and when he spied a newspaper sticking up from behind Hakkai’s seat, he couldn’t just not read it. He was hoping for something lighthearted and distracting, something about urination or dildos or sexual electrostimulation. That wasn’t what he got.
May 30
Dear Mr. Ravage
First of all, I’d like to thank you for your advice last week. I followed it, and the experience certainly has been enlightening. But now I’m faced with another problem: my best friend has suddenly fallen into a depression. It started around the same time I embarked on this new relationship, and now he barely speaks to me. I believe he suspects what’s going on, but he won’t open up about it. Perhaps it is a homophobic response (he is aggressively straight). It breaks my heart to see him react that way because I care for him deeply and I want him to respect my decisions. I can’t help who I am any more than he can. I’m worried that the most important friendship in my life may be in jeopardy. What should I do?
Terribly Worried: Is Sincere Trust Entirely Destroyed?
It took a lot of fucking willpower not to throw the paper away there and then. It was bad enough suspecting Hakkai was sleeping with Sanzo, but to have that confirmed along with a bunch of bullshit about him – Gojyo- being a homophobe? What the fuck, Hakkai? Hopefully Dong would redeem himself for his earlier fuckups with a sensible response.
Dear TWISTED,
Wow, you packed a whole lot of information between the lines here. How I read this is that you’re actually jonesing for your best friend, but you can’t have him because he’s straight, so you’ve settled for this other guy. Understandable enough. But the blame for this problem lies entirely with you. If your best friend is so damn important to you, why did you keep your new relationship a secret? Trust goes both ways. If you want him to talk to you, you have to make the first move and tell him all about your undercover lover. If he responds like a homophobic jackass, the friendship is toast anyway and you’re better off learning that now. If not, maybe your confession will make him a little more willing to dish about what’s going on with him. If you love him – and I think you do – that’s what you’ve got to do.
Dong
Gojyo froze, the wind carrying the paper away and far up into the trees. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
That night after dinner, Goku was snoozing with his face planted on the table as the rest of them finished their tea. Abruptly, Sanzo rose and headed for the door. “Come on, Hakkai. We’ve got to go over tomorrow’s route.”
“Yes, of course.” Hakkai rose to follow, but Gojyo grabbed his arm, holding him in place with a firm grip.
“Let’s get going!” Sanzo barked from the threshold.
Hakkai looked at Gojyo, then back at Sanzo. “You go ahead,” he called. “I’ll be right up.”
Gojyo’s eyes followed the white robes until they disappeared, then looked up at Hakkai. “We need to talk,” he said.
Hakkai’s usually pleasant expression was suddenly sober. “Yes, I believe we do.”
* * *
Sanzo rolled his neck, working out the kinks. He felt more relaxed than he had in months, and he owed it all to a certain columnist. Gojyo just hadn’t been the same since Sanzo had shown him Hakkai’s letter. Sure, Sanzo knew it was cruel, but it was effective. Gojyo was a lot less of a pain in the ass when he was sitting around pouting all day.
A breeze blew in through the window of the café, turning aside one of the others’ napkins from breakfast. Beneath it was a newspaper. Sanzo shrugged. With the other guys out running errands for the next hour or so, he had more than enough time to catch up on the latest feats of Miracle Worker Dong.
June 1
Dong –
The last time I wrote in, you called me a homo, and I was pretty pissed off about it at first, but it turns out you were right. My friend and I got together for a little heart to heart, which ended up as a bang session of epic proportions. Turns out he felt the same way about me. How come your column never explains how fucking awesome gay sex can be? Man, when he stuck his tongue in my… [content omitted at the request of the editor]… and it was like a fucking fountain. Damn. Thanks to you, Dong, I’m getting the best sex of my life.
Penis Is Surely Satisfied, Experiencing Demonically Outstanding, Fantastic Fellatio
Sanzo’s teacup fell to the table and shattered. “What?!”
PISSEDOFF –
Well, I’m glad you’re happy. But maybe you should leave out the graphic details next time, okay? Feel free to send photos, though.
Dong
Sanzo ground his teeth in fury. He couldn’t fucking believe it.
* * *
Gojyo was feeling happier than he had in weeks. He’d thought the conversation with Hakkai would be horrible and awkward, but it worked out just fine in the end. Dong was really on to something with this ‘honest discussion’ shit. The temperature was perfect, the wind was rushing through his hair, and there was the faintest scent of flowers on the breeze. Goku was totally zoned out, staring off into the distance, so when Gojyo noticed the flapping newspaper in the jeep bed, he scooped it up and turned eagerly to Ravage Love.
June 3
Dear Dong,
I wrote to you a few weeks ago, and you encouraged me to pursue a sexual relationship with one of my co-workers. Well, I did that and I thought it was going great, but then he dumped me and now I suspect he’s fucking his best friend. They’re pretty tight, so I’m not sure I could break them up, but I can’t just pass up on a really good thing without fighting for it. I still want him. How do I convince my guy to ditch the loser?
Frustrated, Unbelievably
‘Loser?!’ Gojyo glared up at the back of Sanzo’s fat, clueless head.
Dear FU,
In my experience, all eloquent debates start with a good blow job. If that fails, there’s always the threesome option. You might not get your dreamboat all to yourself, but at least you’d get him. And I’m glad you finally had the balls to admit that the target of your lust is a guy. Those gender-inspecific references in your previous letters were driving me nuts.
Dong
Gojyo shook his head in disbelief. Oh, HELL no.
* * *
June 4
Dear Dong,
What a disaster! As you know from my previous letters, I’ve been in love with my best friend for a while now, but I didn’t think I could have him because he was straight. So I got together with this other guy because – face it – we all have needs. But then I found out that my best friend loved me too, so I broke it off with the guy I was seeing and took up with my True Love. But this morning everything went wrong. I was minding my own business when the guy I dumped cornered me in a motel room and went straight for my pants. Before I knew it, he was giving me head, and I guess it’s just one of those guy things, but there was no protesting at that point. Then my lover walked in, saw what was happening and went ape shit. He attacked the other guy and beheaded him! But before the blow was struck, that guy drew a gun and shot my lover in the head! They’re both dead now, and I don’t know how to recover from this tragedy. I am burdened with guilt and horniness. Please help me!
Twu Wuv Isn’t Sufficient To Endue Death
“What the hell is this?” demanded Sanzo, snatching up the parchment that Goku had been chortling over.
“N-nothing!” Goku insisted, fruitlessly trying to snatch it back. “It’s personal!”
“This is a letter.”
“Um… yeah?”
“To a sex advice columnist.”
“Uh…”
“What’s all the commotion in here?” Hakkai poked his head through the door, frowning. Gojyo was close behind, arm draping automatically across Hakkai’s shoulder.
Sanzo finished perusing the letter and crushed it in his hand. Eyes narrowing, he looked down at Goku in fury. “How many of these did you send?”
Goku bit his lip. “I don’t know… a lot?”
“Why would you do something like that?”
“Cuz it was fun… and funny… and I was bored…”
“You idiot! You actually had me believing that these two morons were fucking each other!” Sanzo gestured adamantly at Gojyo and Hakkai.
Goku looked a bit disappointed. “So you didn’t see the part about how Hakkai was sleeping with you despite his unrequited love for Gojyo? It was pretty funny when he dumped you.”
Incensed, Sanzo couldn’t even respond. He grabbed Goku by the collar and dragged him out of the room, growling, “I am going to beat you until your brains leak out of your ass.”
The door slammed shut, muffling the sounds of wailing and struggling as Sanzo hauled Goku away. Gojyo and Hakkai blinked at each other, still not certain about what exactly had just transpired. Hakkai knelt to retrieve the crumpled parchment Sanzo had left behind. He read it, sniffed, and handed it to Gojyo, whose eyes grew wider with each sentence.
“So it was the monkey sending those letters to Dong Ravage?”
“That would appear to be the case.”
“You read ‘em too?”
“Just the one, plus the one of Sanzo’s you showed me. You?”
“I read a couple.” Gojyo scratched the back of his head and looked at the floor. “Did you buy it?”
Hakkai sighed. “I must admit that I did.”
“Yeah. Me too. Kinda put a perspective on things, though.”
“Yes,” said Hakkai, “but it was all based on a lie.”
Gojyo shook his head. “There’s only one thing I can say.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
He flung the paper aside and stalked forward, backing Hakkai against the door. Taking his chin in his hand, he kissed Hakkai deeply, enjoying it even more in the knowledge that Sanzo had been nowhere near those lips. He pulled away, hands fumbling at the clasps on Hakkai’s tunic, while Hakkai groped for the deadbolt on the door behind him.
“Thank you, monkey,” said Gojyo with a smile, flinging the tunic across the room as Hakkai’s hands went for his belt.
End.