Why did you stop noticing me, Hakkai? When we first met, even though I was all Sanzou and nothing but at the time, you saw me. You just didn't realise it then, because we were so far apart. The broken mass-murderer and the bitter priest, prey and hunter. That idiot half-breed bastard tried to protect you to no avail, because you had no more fight in you. Nothing at all.

I'll never forget how you looked at me from that far, distant sea of ... guilt? Death? Apathy? You're the only one who knows, and you haven't told me. Fuck you.

It took years before you caught on and finally, finally came to my room. I mean, shit, we'd been on that stupid trip for over a year by the time you pieced my messages and hints together. And you were supposed to be the brains of the outfit. Bah. You, who could see into the heart of each and every one of us others. You, who gathered all our secrets and left us with jack and shit in the bargain. Okay, I'm being deliberately unfair, but so are you!

Maybe you gathered up that special secret and stowed it away just to see if I'd moon over you like some lovesick puppy? To see if I'd come sleazing up on you like mister 'I've got a hard-on' kappa? Or did you just want me to stay alone as I was, locked up in my little cell until you saw it fit to change it? Damn you, Hakkai. Damn. You.

And then, when you finally came to me, you were like a soundless ghost. You drifted in without a word, and just stood there too fucking close to me, and I was sitting in the window and I wasn't looking at you. I didn't look at you, and I was a million miles away because I had given up. There's no-one like you for being willfully dense, and by the scriptures were you ever! All the way up until that night when all denseness was suddenly gone, and you stood there. In my room. Watching me. Waiting.

And then the storm hit.

Had I known how violent you'd be, I'm not sure I'd have dropped all those hints. My ass hurt like a fresh-fucked virgin, and you just kept on thrusting. I bled like one too, and hell, deepest down in that black and crowded heart of mine, what you did to me was what I wanted. I thrived on pain, just like you did. I mean, your cock must've hurt nearly as much as my ass, since I wasn't exactly relaxing. Remember, I wasn't the only one with bruises after that storm. After years of being baited, you finally came and took me, and then...

Then you stayed.

Instead of confirming my worst and most hidden fears by leaving, you stayed through the night. And for some unfathomable reason it took the two morons nearly until the end of our journey to find out about us. For a while there, you and I had something good, and I thought it would last. Seven kinds of fool that I am, I thought it would keep because our personal spaces remained sacred.

No-one knows me like you do. Not a single fucking one, including myself. Somehow you took all of me, and now I don't know who I am anymore. I used to know it whenever I looked into your eyes. Every time you held me tight and jerked me off, while we locked gazes, I would know. Every time you screwed me raw, every time you let me inside, every time I woke up screaming and you would hold me in the dark.

I would know, and I'd be happy because you didn't make any demands on me that I didn't want you to make. You've never asked me to stay with you and you've never asked me to care for you. Free of everything, bound by nothing; that's me. That is how I must be, even if this priest job is tedious, annoying and stupid most of the time.

When did this all stop working? Oh please Hakkai, no. You cleaned those windows two weeks ago. Will you stop your god forsaken puttering and LOOK AT ME! I'm right here, you know. All you have to do is look behind this newspaper. But you're not going to, are you?

I can't put my finger on when we started to fade. All I know is that you slowly, gradually stopped demanding to touch me, hold me, kiss me or even fuck me. The last couple of months you haven't even been here. The tables have turned, and now it's you who are a million miles away behind your perpetual smile and your constant fussing. Our bodies share a bed, but I'm the only one in it. Don't you understand anymore? Or do you just not care?

Why don't you answer me? Why don't you take this blasted newspaper away from me and talk to me, you heartless bastard.

Oh what's the use. It's too late. I've known it for weeks, but since I am the stubborn idiot of the outfit, I've been hanging around anyway, just in case. But the time is right, and I'll be off. I can't take this any more, and I don't think you can either. Tonight's will be my last dinner in this house. Tonight's will be my final smoke in this house. Tonight's will be my ultimate exit from this house.

Thank you for your time, Hakkai.

Goodbye.