TITLE: Spinnin’ A Yarn
AUTHOR: Eyes of Shinigami
PAIRINGS: Blink-and-miss 58 and 39 hints
RATING: PG
WARNINGS: Language and post-Journey speculation.
SUMMARY: Gojyo gives his own retelling of the Journey West. One-sided conversation from Gojyo’s POV. This was actually inspired by Greylily’s “Pick It Up Again”, and this idea wouldn’t leave me alone.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Saiyuki or Gojyo. If I did, I would be Kazuya Minekura. Instead, I am just an EoS.
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Geez, kid. Could you be any more annoying? I know it’s raining and all, but can you just sit down for a second? What? You want me to tell you a story? Do I look like a babysitter to you? Ch, fine. You want a story? I’ll give you a story.
Once upon a time there were these four guys. A pissy priest with his habit wound too tight, a stupid monkey whose empty head was only filled with thoughts of food and his master, a creepy human-turned-demon who served as resident mother, and the incredibly sexy and amazing hero of this story. What made him so heroic, you ask? Well, he was gorgeous, witty, and could play a mean game of cards. Anyway, these four guys were asked by three floating heads if they would go on this journey to get back some scriptures.
Why? Well, because that’s what the floating heads wanted, that’s why. Stop asking so many questions and just listen for a minute, will ya? Kids these days.
So the four of them piled into this jeep-
Yes, a jeep like Hakuryu. Can I continue now? Thanks.
Anyway, the four of them piled into this jeep and drove to India. Where’s India? Hell if I know. That’s not the point, though. The point is that they had to drive there. Well, it was a really rough drive since all the demons-
Look kid, who’s telling this story, you or me? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now shut up and let me keep telling you.
Everywhere they went, they were attacked by demons. Demons that had lost their minds and were being told to attack them. Of course, our amazing hero single-handedly managed to defeat any and all challengers that threatened to bar their path. What? Okay, fine…the other guys helped too. Sometimes. The monkey beat them with a big stick, the demon guy used his energy, and the monk shot a gun. Yeah, I know monks aren’t supposed to kill anybody, but I told you that this guy was a really bad monk. I mean, a piss poor excuse for a monk.
Exactly! Just like Sanzo! I don’t know, maybe they were related. Who knows?
Anyway, these demons were constantly attacking them, being a real pain in the ass. That was part of the mission, you see. They had to find out what was making all the demons crazy.
Well, as it turned out, the demons were being controlled by this weird thing called the Minus Wave. No, I have no idea why it was called that, okay? Would you stop with the questions already? Man, can’t a guy tell a story without being interrupted every fifteen seconds? If you don’t want to listen, then-
All right, all right. Don’t start crying. I’ll keep telling you if you turn off the waterworks. And here, wipe your nose. That’s kind of gross.
So, where were we? That’s right, the Minus Wave. Anyway, this Minus Wave was making all the demons crazy, driving them nuts. In their sudden bout of insanity, they listened to this Demon Prince who was trying to use the scriptures to revive his dead father for his bitch of a stepmother. No, the Demon Prince wasn’t a bad guy. He was actually kind of a good guy, just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You know how that goes sometimes.
Yeah, kind of like Kougaiji. He had friends too, just like Dokugakuji, Lirin, and Yaone. Funny how that works, huh?
Bad guys? Of course there were bad guys! What kind of story would this be without the baddies running around? You seriously need to learn some patience, kid. I was getting to that part.
In fact, there were lots of bad guys in this story. Demon boy and his friends weren’t bad, just annoying. They kept popping up in places and demanding the scripture around the priest’s neck. It was really inconvenient, since they had the worst timing in the world. Just trust me on this, okay?
Hey, watch your mouth. I swear, you kids and your goddamn swearing. Your mother would throttle you proper if she heard you talk like that. Let’s just get on with the story.
All right, so…the bad guys. There was the spider lady and the scorpion drag queen, both of whom apparently wanted to eat the priest. Said he was tasty, or something like that. I don’t know. There was the crazy monk who was really hung up over something with the pissy monk, and the reanimated corpse intent on killing the demon-guy traveling with them. Oh, the giant crab, and the-
What? Yeah, these bad guys did kind of suck, didn’t they? Well, then there were the four really bad guys. Terrible. Heh, I knew you would be excited about that. First, there was the War God, who was extremely fruity and really annoying. He wanted to recreate the Heavens and Earth using the stupid monkey and two of the scriptures. He had a real jones for the monkey-
What does that mean? Well, um…look, go ask your mother when you get home, all right? Just don’t tell her I told you.
The War God was really determined, too. He kidnapped the monkey, and finally he chained the priest to a wall while he turned the monkey into the Evil-Monkey-Demon-of-Doom. Catchy name, huh? I thought so. Where were the other two? Well, the demon guy and our amazingly wonderful hero were fighting the War God’s two flunkies, Eyepatch and Squinty. Yes, those were really their names. I promise.
Of course they beat him! The monkey and the War God fought once he was no longer the Evil-Monkey-Demon-of-Doom, and Go-uh, the monkey ended up whacking him like an eight ball into a corner pocket and he died.
Yeah, this monkey does sound a lot like Goku, huh? Funny that.
Then there was this other bad guy who thought he was God. Crazy ain’t just the word, kid. This guy was bonkers. He took these two kids and turned them into murderers, calling them his toys. Well, our triumphant hero wasn’t going to let such an injustice go unpunished, so he went and defeated him with a single attack. What? Yes, fine. The others went too and they helped out. There, are you happy now? Sheesh. You’re really hard to please, kid.
The last bad guy was this foreign guy who was really creepy and a bit of a stalker. How? He followed the priest around like he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and he could bring people back from the dead. Freaky, huh? No, they didn’t shuffle around muttering things about brains. Good grief…you watch too many zombie movies, kid. Would you let me finish?
But there was one bad guy who was worse than all the bad guys put together. He was the Mastermind behind it all. He was a scientist who was trying to resurrect the sleeping demon guy in the first place. He used to be a priest, too, but they say he went a bit batty. Was way too friendly with his bunny doll, if you ask me. Weirdo.
Anyway, our heroes managed to make it to the castle where he lived. With the help from the Demon Prince and his friends, they were able to stop the scientist, get back the scriptures and save the day. The sleeping demon was destroyed, the bitch was put in her place, and all was right in the world.
Huh? Yeah, the demons went back to being normal, and thus peace was restored to the world. Didn’t I just say that? You need to learn to listen when someone’s telling you something, kid.
The priest and the monkey? They went back to the floating heads and lived in the temple for happily ever after. What were they doing? Who the hell knows? I don’t think I want to. You can always ask Sanzo when he and Goku come over later. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to tell you whatever it is that priests and monkeys do in temples. I wouldn’t know.
The other two? Well, our hero and the demon decided that they would make good roommates so they shacked up together somewhere to live out the rest of their days.
Yeah, kind of like me and Hakkai.
Oh, speak of the devil. Oh, you say dinner’s ready? You heard him, kid. Go wash up or whatever you kids do before you eat. Make sure you turn off the water this time…I’m not spending the next hour mopping up after you. Yeah, you’re right. It was funny when I hit Goku in the face with the mop. Now, go!
What was I doing? Oh, well you know…
Just spinnin’ a yarn.
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