While Waiting
Dammit.
Down to my last beer and I still can't sleep.
Sure as hell hope it won't be like the last time. No, you wouldn't remember. That last time you'd gone to check on the monk, and I couldn't sleep til you came back, no matter what I did.
Hell with it. I'm opening this and gulping it down. If I drink it fast enough, maybe it'll knock me out.
...or I could maybe let it last until you get back.
Or I could maybe leave it here while I go bug the monkey. Who's probably snug in bed sniffling like the kid he is, thrown out of the house by his precious master/buddy/dad.
We could've lived with just two rooms, you know, like we'd already done, several times...but nooo, the monk decided he wanted to room in all by himself. And after that, there was only one other single room left, so guess who got dibs on _that_.
Though I didn't mind so much that we got the double room. Maybe I thought, just maybe...if we roomed in together, I could keep your mind on me. Like in those days when we shared the apartment. Remember?
It rained, I brought out the pack of cards. We've all but torn the damn thing to bits. We've worn it out so bad you could barely tell the spades from the clubs. Or the hearts from the diamonds. It was an excuse to sit up close to you and talk nonsense to you and get your crazy hyper mind away from everything else.
Yeah...but it's rare I get the chance to play with you nowadays. "I'm in no mood to play, Gojyo." You even said you were sorry. Fuck that. I shouldn't even have suggested it.
Sucks to think there are times when I'm no use to you.
Shit. You'll probably be gone til dawn. I need a way to pass the friggin time.
There was this cute girl outside, earlier tonight. I think she's part of the inn staff. I fucking love these suburbian setups just because they get the prettiest girls, mostly girls who've tired of waitressing in the city. Sadly, though, they're also the same girls who've tired of putting out to every joe who've slipped an extra gold piece into their brassieres.
Never needed any gold pieces. I wonder if she's free.
I wonder if I'm really up to finding out.
You're with him every time it rains. Ever notice that? Even when you're not in the room with him, you're here with me thinking about him. "I wonder if Sanzo's okay." Right. Not worrying about the pain-in-the-neck journey, or the Jeep, or me, or the monkey instead. Or even about yourself.
What is he, some sort of lifeline you hold on to before the water from the sky washes you away?
To go into that room, or not to go...you know it's just up to you, if you're in the mood to deal with his bullshit. He'll always keep it unlocked, not for anyone else. Just you.
What the hell do you guys do in there anyway? Bet it's not talk. Otherwise I could hear the monk bitching even when I'm here, several rooms away. He never talks, he bitches, even with you. So what happens when he doesn't bitch? What do you hang around for?
And why do you keep coming back to it?
It's not like you can just go in there and take out whatever he sticks up his ass every time the weather gets bad, right?
What is this cigarette's problem. Damned matches. If my lighter was just working right, this would be --
Ow. Burned my fingers. Fuck.
Fine. I don't want another cigarette anyway. I've smoked so many already. One more and I'd wake up in the middle of the night choking, then you'd get me a drink of water just to shut me up. Like you've hated doing for the last three years.
...Come to think of it, I've had you for three years. Who am I to resent it if you've gotten tired of me and wanted to move on, eh?
So -- I'm done with you, or you're done with me, and we move on to other people. Can two people just stop that, needing each other so bad it hurts to be apart for even a few hours while one goes off to be needed by somebody else?
Dammit, I'm not done with you.
You'll be back when the rain stops, and I'll watch you climb into your bed looking a little more distant. It was never the same with us since we started this journey. Since we started traveling with him.
Everyday it just gets harder to read you.
Someday I won't be able to stand it that you can just leave me like this. It makes me think we were never together.
Like those three years we had never happened. Like I never loved my mother. Like my big brother never loved me back, because it was Mother he loved when he pushed that blade into her back, and there was no reason for him to stay when Mother was gone. None of that matters now. I'm on a journey that has nothing to do with Jien or Mother or you. So in a way, he was never there and Mother was never there and you were never there and neither was I.
I have a scar on my face to remind me of Mother and Jien. What about you?
I don't hate the rain. But I do when I see that you do. I can't make it a part of me because the monk hates it, too...and hey, you can't expect me to take on a package deal like _that_, right?
Hm...looks like this can of beer's going to last til you get back after all. I'm not so hot to find something to do anymore. In fact, I'm tired. I'd bring out the pack of cards, except I never play solitaire.
I'd told that corrupt monk "this is the second time a beauty's rejected me."
When you came back, I thought I was wrong.
I thought you would stay.
...ch. Who stays?
Know what. It's funny how these things come into my brain only when you're not around. When I'm with you, I just say whatever's at the top of my head, and when I'm with you, this...well, this isn't at the top of my head. It's waaaay at the back of my head with all the other "what-ifs" and "what-could-bes" and "whys" like I'm so scared of it.
And maybe I am. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I've lost too much in my life to be brave about this. Maybe I'll do anything...
You should make the first move. You're the one who's always calm and happy and who doesn't have that much to lose. Go ahead and ask me for a sacrifice. You've never done it, right?
Ask me not to want you in the same room with me every time it rains. Ask me not to feel lost when you're not around. Ask me to give you everything. Let's see what happens.
If you don't do that tonight, I'll just climb into your bed _with_ you again and hold you until you push me away gently with that maddening gentle smile because "Goku's going to wonder" or "Sanzo's going to raise hell." I'll say "Screw them" because I can at least hold you again, can't I? and then I'll try to reach for the hand you're going to pull away. "Gojyo, we're both tired. Please, we'll talk tomorrow."
Sometimes I think I've lost you completely, but I'll see in that sad goodnight a flicker of something we used to have between the two of us -- far, far older than three years. And then I'll know he doesn't have you yet, that no one does, that even if you don't stay...you come back.
At least until it rains again.
I don't think I want another cigarette.
I don't want any more beer, either. It's a waste and it's cold in this room and my head's a mess, but screw all that.
You'll be back when the rain stops.
