Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura and related parties. This is a non-profit fanwork.

Follow Your Nose

By Terra

Sanzo occasionally wondered if Koumyou Sanzo ever regretted picking up that baby in the river. Whenever he threw a tantrum, that one time he decided that flowers were part of a balanced diet, those times he slipped up and told visitors from other temples that he was allowed to eat meat (even if he didn’t like the taste, and would not until he left the temple), every time he did something unbelievably moronic, did his master ever think to himself, "If I snapped his neck right now, would anyone really care?" Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder if all his memories of Koumyou Sanzo feature him smiling because if he didn’t smile, he would scream.

Then again, Koumyou Sanzo had never met Son Goku and never had the mad idea of taking him on a field trip.

"Look! That woman is going to have a baby! Am I right, Sanzo, huh? Am I, Sanzo?"

"Goku, don’t scream in the middle of the street."

"You’re not looking! Tell me if I’m right!"

Sighing, Sanzo looked over in the direction that the twelve-year-old monkey boy was pointing. "Yes, she is pregnant. Good detective skills, Goku. Stop pointing." A blind man would have been the only one to miss that gigantic bulge on that woman’s stomach; it was a miracle the woman could walk, much less shop.

It had been six months since Sanzo had answered that nagging not-voice and picked up the little boy in the cave on the mountain from which the noise came. Not a day went by where Son Goku didn’t make himself an unbearable nuisance, committing faux pas left and right. If he wasn’t harassing him, he was making life a hell for the monks who lived at Chang’an.

A week ago, Goku had been introduced to the concept of "birth"; that people are born, not created. It took Sanzo the whole day to make him understand that just because Sanzo was big now doesn’t mean he always was. Once he was Goku’s height and before that, even smaller. And even before that, he did not exist at all. Furthermore, babies are not always going to be babies – they grow up. Finally, one day, all people die (oddly, Sanzo did not have to explain "death"; Goku reacted instantly when he brought it up).

"Even babies?" Goku had wondered.

"Even babies," Sanzo had answered.

"All of them?"

"Every single one." Goku seemed briefly downtrodden by that fact.

Regardless, Goku was quite taken by the concept of birth and would pester Sanzo constantly to point out any pregnant women and babies he saw along their way. Of course, Goku would not have the opportunity to do so if Sanzo hadn’t decided to take pity on the monks on Chang’an and take Goku along on his appointed mission of retrieving some small statue of one of the Buddhas in some abandoned temple.

Next time, the monks would just have to suffer.

Goku being a moron in the confines of the temple and surrounding towns was embarrassing enough; setting the boy loose on the world was sufficient for Sanzo to seriously consider tying him to a tree and moving on without him.

This particular town they were passing through was in the middle of a festival to a local deity, Sanzo didn’t care enough to ask which one, so Goku was having the time of his life getting himself into places he wasn’t supposed to be.

"Hey, Sanzo! Hey, Sanzo! Hey, hey, hey!" Goku pestered, tugging on Sanzo’s sleeve as he did so.

"What now?!" Sanzo snapped. "And stop pulling on my clothes!"

Goku’s face fell momentarily as he let go but then perked up again to ask, "Sanzo, remember the pregnant lady?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Well, she was talking to someone and he asked her a funny question."

"And I bet you’re going to tell me what he asked."

"How’d you guess?!"

"I’m psychic," Sanzo replied sarcastically.

"Wow. Anyway, he asked her," Goku scrunched up his face in concentration as he chugged out, "‘when is it due?’ I don’t get it."

Sanzo sighed wearily. "He was asking her when the baby was going to be born."

"Why was he asking her that?"

Sanzo shrugged, disinterested. "It’s a thing you say to pregnant women. It makes them happy because they like talking about their babies." Goku nodded solemnly, humming in thought. Sanzo stopped walking in the street and asked, "I don’t know why I’m bothering to ask since I already know the answer but are you hungry, Goku?"

The young boy’s eyes lit up. "Yeah! I’m starving! Can we eat something?! Please?!"

"Yeah, I’m hungry, too, for a change." Sanzo nodded his head to a restaurant across the street and suggested, "That one looks fine. Do you remember how we act in a restaurant?" He glared at his smaller companion.

"I won’t do it again," he answered sheepishly.

"You better not. Come on." Sanzo walked toward the restaurant, not looking behind him to see if Goku was following.

The restaurant was busy but not overcrowded and the pair was seated quickly. For once, Sanzo was relieved of Goku’s chatter as he was stunned speechless by this new locale. Restaurants, full of people and food, always managed to take the young boy’s breath away. All Sanzo would need to add is some people kicking the shit out of each other and Goku would probably piss his pants with excitement.

With Goku engrossed in the hustle and bustle of the unfamiliar restaurant, Sanzo took advantage of the silence to look over the menu. Goku could not yet read so it was the priest’s job to determine what he wanted first and then help Goku decipher what he would like. Luckily, Sanzo was spared the pain of being in charge of a picky eater; unfortunately, Goku’s bottomless pit failed to make Sanzo feel better about his lack of picky habits.

A waitress came over, all fake smiles and warmth, and asked, "Welcome! Would you two like anything to drink while you decide on what to order?"

"I’d like a beer," Sanzo ordered automatically.

The waitress peered quizzically at him. "Aren’t you a monk?"

"Yeah, and aren’t you a waitress? I want a beer. The boy wants tea and water."

"No, I don’t!" Goku answered, pulled away from his scan of the restaurant. "I want that pink thing that woman is drinking!" He pointed at the table on the far side of the room.

"Um... I think you’re a little young for that," the waitress tittered. "I’ll bring the tea and water for the kid. I’ll be right back!" The waitress wriggled off.

Goku pouted at Sanzo. "Why can’t I have the pink thing?"

"It’s alcoholic," Sanzo answered, looking again at the menu. "It’s got alcohol in it," he added at Goku’s quizzical look.

"Beer has alcohol in it."

"You’re not having the beer though."

"How come?"

"Because I say so." And the thought of a drunk Goku would be enough to give him nightmares for days because he knew that Goku wouldn’t have just one drink.

Goku gave up the fight with a shrug and a sigh, his attention diverted by a rowdy conversation at the next table. "Hey, Sanzo, what’s fu– ?"

"Here’re your drinks!" The waitress announced, carrying a tray with a tea pot, two cups, a glass with a pitcher of ice water, and a mug of beer on it. Setting the tray down and arranging the drinks toward the supposed recipients, she asked if they were ready to order.

Sanzo then remembered he had never asked Goku what he wanted but before he could ask for a few more minutes, Goku pointed out toward the room, "I want that thing and that thing and that thing and two of those things and that thing and that thing and, oh, definitely that thing over there!" Goku stood up to stretch farther to point into the far corner with his last request. With a thump, he sat back down and beamed. "And white rice. Please."

"Everything comes with white rice," the waitress stammered. "And you just ordered eight dishes! Are you two sharing? Are other people coming?"

"Don’t worry, he’ll eat every bite," Sanzo explained, holding his chin in his right hand. "And I’ll have the miso soup with chicken fried rice."

"Will I get the eight bowls of white rice?" Goku asked.

The flabbergasted waitress just nodded, turning away to deliver the immense order to the kitchen.

As they waited for their food, Sanzo enjoyed a smoke as Goku eavesdropped on the conversations around him, occasionally asking for Sanzo for clarification on a overheard joke or relating his thoughts on a topic that was being debated on another table.

Twenty minutes passed and the waitress came out with a rolling cart carrying their food. Goku squealed for joy at the sight and clapped his hands. Sanzo told him sternly to cut it out. With a wary but amused smile, she placed the dishes on the table, warning them of the hot plates and pointing out the condiments.

Throughout it all, Goku stared openly at the waitress. Sanzo decided that calling attention to it would only cause problems so he let him be: Women were still a mild fascination for the boy, given how rarely he ever saw one up close. Besides, he didn’t see anything unseemly in Goku’s gaze, just curiosity.

As all the dishes were laid out, the waitress announced that they were free to call if they needed anything.

"Um..." Goku started, his eyebrows furrowing.

"Yes?" the waitress asked.

Don’t say something stupid. Just this once. Sanzo thought to himself since saying so aloud would, again, create problems.

The young boy had a look of intense concentration, like a messenger desperately wanting to recite each word of the message correctly. Slowly, carefully, stiffly, as a student would recite a memorized chant, he asked, "Excuse me, when is your baby due?"

As luck would have it, the room had a momentary lull so Goku’s question was heard loud and clear by every person in that restaurant. The waitress gaped and demanded, "What did you say?"

"When is your baby due?" Goku repeated.

Sanzo and everyone else in the establishment took a good, hard look at what they could see of the waitress’ stomach: She was as flat as a board. No one in their right mind would guess she was pregnant.

"Is this a joke?" the waitress wondered, placing her hands on her hips.

Goku shook his head. Before Goku could say any more stupid things, Sanzo apologized, "I’m sorry. He was raised in a monastery for most of his life and it is a little ignorant of the ways of the world..."

"But, Sanzo! You told me to do that!" Goku insisted. "You said that women like it!"

"I did not tell you to do that!" Sanzo snapped. "And shut the hell up!"

"Yes, you did! You said that pregnant women like people to ask them that question and so I thought..."

"I’m not pregnant!" the waitress shouted. "Do I look pregnant?! Everyone, do I look pregnant to you?" There were scattered murmurs affirming that the waitress did not look pregnant.

"But you are..." Goku replied, sullen.

"Women aren’t born pregnant, you numbskull," Sanzo hissed.

"I’m not saying that but she is pregnant, Sanzo, can’t you tell?" Goku insisted, whining.

"Just shut up and eat your food. If you speak, I swear, I’ll shoot you," Sanzo warned and then turned to the fuming waitress. "I’m sorry. I don’t know why he decided to say that but I didn’t tell him to do that."

The waitress breathed calmly. "Alright. I’m sorry you have to travel with such an idiot, priest."

"Not as half as sorry as me."

"I’m not an idiot," Goku muttered into his food.

"I said to shut up. Eat your food."

The waitress walked away, pushing the cart with violent force, as Goku continued to eat and Sanzo began his meal. A few minutes later, another waitress came out to them, all smiles, and stood at Goku’s side.

"We’re fine," Sanzo told her.

"I know," she chirped. She looked down at the eating boy, still smiling.

Slowly, Goku raised his gaze and asked, his mouth full, "Wha?"

"Aren’t you going to say anything?" she asked, her hands clasped behind her back.

Goku glanced at Sanzo, clearly begging for what to do. "Do you need anything, Goku? She wants to know if you need anything else."

"Oh! No," Goku answered, turning to her fully. "I’m fine. Thanks."

She cocked her head to the side, confused but still smiling. "Aren’t you going to ask when my baby’s due?" A few of the nearby patrons at other tables snorted with laughter.

Sanzo rolled his eyes. Goku furrowed his eyebrows and answered, "No."

"Why not?"

"You’re not pregnant," he replied slowly, as if this was quite simple to understand.

"You do learn," Sanzo remarked.

Goku looked at him and corrected, "No, our waitress is pregnant but this one isn’t."

"Maybe she’s just getting a little chunky, huh?" a patron from a nearby table suggested jokingly. Everyone nearby, excluding Goku and Sanzo, laughed.

The waitress shook her head and patted Goku on the shoulder. "I’m sorry. You’re a good kid. It’s just that what you said was so bizarre. Work on those conversation skills, kid." With a final smile, she went on her rounds of the room and attention was again taken off the pair.

"They’re not getting a tip," Sanzo whispered to himself.

*** ***

After much whining from Goku, Sanzo agreed to remain in the town overnight. It also helped Goku’s case that Sanzo wanted some rest himself and if they continued, they would have to sleep on the ground. Besides, it wasn’t like that statue was going anywhere.

Later that day, as Goku made a nuisance of himself while Sanzo tagged along, they passed by the front of the restaurant again where the two waitresses were standing outside, talking excitedly.

The one who Goku had claimed was not pregnant caught sight of them and ran over to Goku. "Oh my God! How did you know?!"

"The joke is old now," Sanzo snapped. "Come on, Goku."

"No, wait! I’m not teasing him this time, priest! Kid, how did you know she was pregnant?"

Goku looked up at Sanzo and then at her and replied, "How didn’t you?"

"What’s all this about?" Sanzo asked.

The waitress explained that neither of them knew she was pregnant. At first, they just brushed off what Goku had said but the pregnant waitress kept recalling certain things that had seemed off lately until her friend told her to do a test to rest her mind.

"And she’s pregnant after all! How did you know?!" She grabbed Goku by the shoulders and demanded, "Come on, tell me honestly! Am I pregnant? Tell me straight, don’t sugarcoat it for me!"

"No, you’re not. Can you let me go?" Goku requested nervously.

The waitress let go as her friend wailed loudly on the other side of the street. She put a hand on her chest and went, "Oh, thank goodness!"

"Congratulations," Sanzo grumbled, pulling Goku toward him and walking away. "Now leave us alone." He pushed Goku forward and marched him away from the establishment.

Eventually, they were out of sight of the waitresses and within sight of a sweets stand. "Oh! Can I have one of those, please?" Goku begged, jumping up and down.

"You have enough sugar in your system." But he bought them little bags of hardened sugar and sat down on a bench. Goku happily consumed his treat as Sanzo observed his ward with curiosity. "Goku?"

"Yeah?"

"You were absolutely sure that she was pregnant."

"She is pregnant. They said so."

Sanzo nibbled on a piece of his candy before continuing, "But Goku, that woman did not look pregnant yet you kept insisting she was."

"‘Cause she is." Goku wrinkled his nose in confusion. "Why is everyone acting like this is so weird?"

"Because that girl did not look anywhere near pregnant but you said she was. And she is." Goku shrugged in response. "So why did you think she was pregnant? Why didn’t you think her friend was?"

"Her friend’s not. Duh," Goku answered shortly, rolling his eyes. "Anyone could have told her that."

Sanzo was getting nowhere with this discussion. "Okay, Goku. We had two women, right?" Goku nodded. "They looked the same." He nodded again. "So what was the difference that made you realize that one was pregnant and the other was not?"

"She smelled completely different, obviously," Goku answered and then leaned forward, "Maybe you can’t smell so good because of those cigarettes. And she was closer to me than to you and if you can’t smell..."

Sanzo held up a hand. "Wait. Stop. She smelled different?"

Goku nodded emphatically. "Yuh-huh. She smelled like she was going to have a baby. Like the other pregnant women. Except she was littlier. But I don’t know why no one else could smell it." Goku shrugged and went back to his candies. "Maybe all of her friends are smokers."

"You could smell her pregnancy?" Sanzo asked. Goku nodded. "And all the other women you’ve pointing out all week, you could smell it too?"

"That’s how I figured how girls having babies smell like; by seeing the fatter ones and comparing the smells. And she smelled a lot like the bigger ones so I knew she was pregnant. But I bet you already knew all about that since you know a lot more than me." Goku pointed at Sanzo’s nearly full bag. "Are you going to eat all that?"

Sanzo handed the bag to the boy and leaned back on the bench. Goku happily began on the new bag while Sanzo muttered, "He can smell pregnancies."

"Well, can’t you?" Goku asked.

"No, Goku, I can’t. In fact, I’ve never met anyone who could smell a pregnancy before the woman even shows." Sanzo leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Goku? How good is your sense of smell? You can smell pregnancies, right? Can you smell the difference between a man and a woman?"

Goku nodded, looking a bit worried, "Yeah, I can. Is that not normal? Is that bad?"

"It’s not normal, no, but I wouldn’t say it was bad. Quick, shut your eyes," Sanzo ordered. Goku complied. "No peeking." Goku covered his eyes with his free hand, the other clutching the bag. A man was walking pass them, looking frazzled but trying to keep his cool. "Goku, there’s an person walking in front of us. Can you smell someone there?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me whether a man is walking past or a woman?"

"It’s a guy." There was absolutely no hesitation. Goku might as well have been looking at the passerby. Sanzo tried this with a few more passerbys of both genders before letting Goku open his eyes again.

"Do youkai and humans smell different?"

"Totally."

"How about individual people?"

Goku cocked his head to the side and chewed thoughtfully on his candies. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, could you, by scent alone, determine where I was standing in a busy marketplace?"

"Can’t you? You always find me when I’m in the temple."

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "I follow the path of destruction and sound of your chattering. I can’t smell you. But I guess this means you can smell me out."

"I can even follow the path you took. People really can’t do that?" Goku asked, bewildered. "I do it all the time! I don’t even think about it!"

Sanzo rested his chin on his knuckles as he contemplated this new skill he had discovered in his ward. He knew that most youkai could sense chi but it wasn’t limited to them; humans can master the art as well. He supposed it was possible that other types of youkai would have other methods of tracking. But how good was Goku? Sure, Goku could locate him in Chang’an but he had been there six months; even the novices could figure out Sanzo’s usual hiding places within a month and they rarely interacted with him.

"Let’s test this," Sanzo proposed. "Let’s see how good your nose is at tracking."

"Tracking?" Goku asked.

"Finding stuff that’s run away, stuff you can’t see."

"Like playing hide and seek?"

"Yeah, I guess you could put it that way. Let me find something to cover your eyes." Sanzo stood up and walked away. Brushing himself off and licking his fingers, Goku followed him until the priest reached a doctor’s office. After a brief discussion with the doctor (who was enjoying a smoke outside his office as he people-watched), Sanzo managed to get a long strip of bandage, enough to cover Goku’s eyes.

"What are you going to do with that?" Goku asked.

"Follow me." Sanzo led Goku to a denser part of the festival, with stalls surrounding them on both sides and people mingling like a hive around them. He stopped in the middle of the throng and explained, "I’m going to wrap this bandage over your eyes so you can’t see. Then I’m going to walk away..."

"No!" Goku grabbed Sanzo’s arm. "I’ll be good! I’m sorry!"

"Goku! Stop grabbing my fucking arm and listen!" Goku let go with great reluctance. "Now, as I was saying, I’m going to walk away and wait somewhere. I’m going to wait fifteen minutes. If you haven’t found me after fifteen minutes, I’ll find you." At Goku’s panicked look, he added, "I’m not going to be very far away. I might just turn a corner at most. Look, we’re playing a game. If you find me before the fifteen minutes are up, you win. If you don’t, I win."

"What do I win?" Sanzo hadn’t thought about that. He hoped to simply dodge the question but Goku suggested, "I know! If I win, then the next time the Three Heads make you go somewhere, I can come!"

"And if you lose, you have to stay home and no whining about it," Sanzo added, catching on. Those terms gave him a little more incentive to hide well. Goku nodded. "Then that’s the deal." Sanzo went behind Goku to tie the bandage over his eyes and reminded, "Now, no peeking. And don’t ask anyone for help. That’s cheating. The only person who can take this off is me, you got that?"

"Okay. Um, you are going to find me after my fifteen minutes are up, right?" Goku asked, touching his bandage over his eyes. Sanzo slapped his hands away. "Ow!"

"Don’t pull the cloth loose. And yes, I’ll find you." Sanzo went on the other side of Goku to check that the cloth completely blocked out Goku’s vision and he continued, "Now, I want you to count to... a hundred and spin around, slowly goddammit, to give me time to walk away."

"I can’t count that high."

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Okay, can you count to ten?" Goku nodded. "Then count to ten ten times. Slowly."

"Why do I have to spin?"

"Just do what I say, Goku!" Sanzo stepped back and added, "And make sure you count out loud so I can hear you."

"Okay! Are we starting now?"

"Yeah, start counting." Sanzo turned around and walked away as Goku began to spin around and count very loudly.

A few in the crowd who had been watching the exchange began to mutter about Goku’s chances. Sanzo glared at them to silently tell them that they weren’t supposed to help him. They held up their hands in submission and most walked away with three or so staying to watch Goku spin.

Sanzo walked to the first corner and made a left by the time Goku had reached his fifth three. He ventured halfway into the darkness, stopping at a tobacco products stand which was across the way from a stall selling hour glasses and other assorted time keepers. By the time he decided to light his first cigarette, Sanzo guessed that Goku had reached a hundred and was beginning to search. The priest fixed his eyes on one of the hour glasses; when a quarter of the sand had passed to the bottom, he would go find Goku.

Sanzo smoked his cigarette and began to tap his foot with impatience. Even though it had hardly been a minute since he had left him, Sanzo felt like he had been waiting the whole fifteen minutes. It was just strange to not hear Goku’s high-pitched, near-constant rambling or feel him nearby. Maybe this was a bad idea, he couldn’t help thinking, Seriously, blinding a twelve-year-old kid on the basis that he’s obsessed with smelling pregnant women? There’s no way in hell he’s going find me here. He’s probably already lost, probably went the completely opposite way, probably scared out of his mind. He already didn’t really want to do this. Fuck the time thing, I’m going to...

"Sanzo." Sanzo felt a hand pull on the back of his robes. "Sanzo." Not a question. "Come on, Sanzo, I know it’s you. Did I win?"

Sanzo glanced over at the hour glass. Goku couldn’t have taken more than two minutes to find him. Sanzo turned around and removed the blindfold. "Yeah, you won. Lucky guess." Sanzo blew out the smoke from his cigarette.

Goku danced around and cheered, "I get to travel again! I don’t have to stay at the temple and be bored next time! Hooray!"

Sanzo’s face fell. Oh, hell. He had completely forgotten about the bet. What had he agreed to? He muttered to himself, "Not if I tie you to a tree on the way."

"Whaddya say?" Goku asked, his fists still in the air.

"Nothing."

Still, Sanzo had to admit that Goku’s tracking abilities would help him if he ever needed to find something.

"Hey! I smell hot fudge! Can I have some ice cream, Sanzo? Please?"

"You just ate!"

Or simply help him go insane.

The End.