I sat on the porch with the warm sunshine on my skin, the crisp fall air clear and fresh, the damn birds singing endlessly, and hated it all. I've never been a big fan of irony. Inside I could hear Hakkai moving around, getting the last of his things packed, I guess. He'd barely even started when I came out here but Hakkai's nothing if not efficient.
Wonder if he's taking that book we bought at that stall awhile back, that he'd read out loud from.
The nicotine felt just right as I took a long drag. Soothing in a painful sort of way. You can always count on cigarettes, or beer for that matter. They may not be good for you, but at least you know where you stand.
I got along just fine before. No problem, really.
He came out, backpack and duffel all ready to go. It was stupid, how little space all his stuff took. It seemed like he should have more, the way he filled up the place while he was here.
"It's time." He was quiet, but I wasn't dense enough to think he was alright. I heard his voice waver and yeah, I heard the steel underneath it too. I know a lost cause when I slam my head into it.
But still, maybe...
"One last game of cards, before you go?" I offered. Sounded pretty good there, cool and offhand, yeah. Don't go, not yet.
I could hear the bitter smile in his voice when he answered. "I don't think that would be a good idea, Gojyo."
"Yeah, guess not." Easy, so easy the words left me. "You'd just end up winning anyway, you always do."
"I wonder."
I can't. I can't just watch him walk away.
I stood, flicking my cigarette over the rail into the sad little patch of dirt with the scraggly weeds sticking up. I can use whatever I want as an ashtray now, beer cans, anything. Whatever I want. "I'm going into town, I guess. Bet I'll find a game, it's past noon."
I was almost there, almost past the turn in the road when I couldn't help it, I looked back. I met his eyes, those damned green eyes that had me damned from the first.
No, God no, please don't go, don't leave me, don't go, stay...
I took a breath to say something, anything to keep him from walking away but looking into his eyes, I knew there was nothing I could say that he didn't already know. And it's still gonna happen, he's still gonna be gone when I get back; I'll go in and it'll all be gone. So instead I flipped him a wave and called back over my shoulder just before that turn.
"Don't bother locking up. There's nothing there worth taking." Not anymore.
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&
I put the last shirt in and zipped the duffel. A tendril of smoke drifted in through the open window. Gojyo was on the porch with his cigarette. Sliding the backpack on my shoulders, I picked up the duffel slowly, taking one last look around the room.
I'd cleaned and erased any traces of my presence. I doubt he'll thank me for that.
You'll stand here, won't you, trying to find me?
Walking past the end table, I noticed one of his lighters. Not his favorite metal one, but one of the cheap disposable ones he keeps in every room. I stood for a bit, looking at it. Finally, I picked it up and slipped it into my pocket. Something to remember him by. He won't miss it.
If I never use it, it will stay just the way it is now. Never run out of fuel, never have to be thrown away.
The sun hit me as I walked out the door. The day seemed brighter than usual, but somehow the cruel sunshine was fitting. I had thought of many things to say at this moment, but they were all so empty now.
"It's time." That was all I could manage, all I could trust myself to say.
I'm sorry, Gojyo. I'm so very sorry. But it has to be this way.
He shrugged, affecting nonchalance. "One last game of cards before you go?" For a moment it was tempting, for one fleeting moment. I knew, though, it would change nothing in the end.
"I don't think that would be a good idea, Gojyo."
"Yeah, guess not." He was trying so hard to sound casual. I could allow him that at least, surely. There was no need to see the pain beneath his words, to acknowledge the longing. "You'd just end up winning anyway, you always do."
And when I win, don't you think it reminds me every time of how much I've lost?
"I wonder." My, I certainly was laconic today, wasn't I?
Gojyo stood abruptly, flicking his cigarette into the yard defiantly. Daring me to say something, no doubt. An argument would keep me from leaving, and give him something to be angry about as well. "I'm going into town, I guess. Bet I'll find a game, it's past noon."
It was somehow fitting that he should walk away while I stood here silent.
I wanted to tell him I'd be back, longed with a dull ache to be able to speak the words he wanted to hear. But I didn't know if I would return, and he deserved no less than honesty.
Forgive me, Gojyo.
He looked back, just before the bend in the road that would have taken him out of sight. Our eyes met then and everything was there before us; I could barely breathe through the thickness of the understanding.
Please, Gojyo, don't. Don't make this any harder than it has to be.
Perhaps he heard me, in his own way, for he turned then and gave me a wave that missed being casual despite the attempt. "Don't bother locking up. There's nothing there worth taking." And then he was gone.
Breathing was bitter, a reminder of entropy at it's finest. And still we do breathe, still the heart beats, still time moves and we are carried along, helpless in it's tow. I stood silent, letting the empty minutes flow past, giving him enough time to be well on his way.
Finally I stepped off the porch, starting up the path neither hurrying nor lingering. I'm going to miss you so much. So very much.
I did not look back.
