Dear Santa
By Eline
Notes: Had weird conversation with Incandescens about Dear Santa letters and this was the result . . .
Watch out for yaoi, shounen ai and the usual spoilers . . .
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Dear Santa/The Powers That Be/God/my own benighted conscience,
I have not been a good boy in the past but I am endeavouring to do so. I may have killed a thousand youkai plus and counting, slept with my own sister and I am currently habouring less-than-innocent thoughts about my room mate, but I am trying very hard to make up for it. Except for the last two, of course--I do not regret having loved once or twice rather than not at all.
My list, if you please, is as follows:
- I wish that Sanzo would think before he shoots
- A new paint-job for Jiipu
- Enough time to whip up a ten course meal on the road so that we could have a small celebration
- Getting to the west and finishing this mission before Sanzo really kills anyone of us
- And for Gojyo to get drunk at Christmas (not drunk enough to inhibit his libido, please)
Sincerely,
Hakkai
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Dear Santa,
Where I came from, people were usually too busy trying to put food on the table to care about religion, religious holidays or guys coming down the chimney to distribute gifts. (We didn't have a chimney and you would have had your fat ass, pardon my French, kicked halfway into next week if you ever tried getting into any houses in my neighbourhood late at night. Actually, I think the stinking monk would do the same right now . . .)
I have not been a good boy by most standards, but it can't hurt to try . . .
My short list (because I'm an easy-going kind of guy):
- I wish that Jien or whatever he wants to call himself now would drop by for a beer more often because it's damn hard to have a beer together while fighting.
- New shakujou because the last one got broken (again).
- Premium selection of beer-flavoured condoms.
- Getting to the west before Sanzo really shoots one of us.
- And for Hakkai to get drunk for once (I can handle the rest from there--really, I'm a big boy now).
Hopefully,
Gojyo
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Dear Santa,
Sanzo said you're most probably a fat old paedophile who likes to visit little children late at night while Hakkai says that the picture of you on shopping bags is more likely to be a symbol of an over-commercialised festive holiday created by greedy capitalist mega-corporations and not a true reflection of the original legend. Whatever that means. But I heard you were originally supposed to help poor people and kids, so that makes you okay.
What I really want:
- For Gojyo and Hakkai to stop tiptoeing around each other because it's getting harder to keep acting stupid around them. Jipu can sleep in my room if they actually start anything.
- The guts to yell at Sanzo when he's being a baka. Not that he'd actually *listen*, but it can't hurt to try . . .
- I wish we would get to the west before Sanzo goes crazy.
- And that we don't meet any more poor sad people who don't really want to kill us but were forced to along the way.
- I would wish for my memory back, but something tells me that may not be a Good Thing.
Sincerely,
Goku
(I have no idea what I am.)
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Dear Santa,
I'm not supposed to believe in fat men bearing gifts, coming from a whole different set of mythological legends altogether, but I suppose anything helps.
I have been a good boy, mainly because I spent most of my childhood in a cage and couldn't do anything bad even if I tried. I intend to rectify this as much as possible while I still have life left in my soon-to-be dead-and-rotting semi-immortal flesh.
Please find my list attached.
1) Having my dry-cleaning done on time because the cape is an essential part of my image.
2) Oil for when the chains get rusty.
3) A lot of chains, a new set of D rings and a lot leather strappy-things from the catalogue I've attached.
4) A copy of "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley.
5) My own Brave New World.
6) Vengeance.
7) Immortality. (It can't hurt to ask . . .)
8) Genjo Sanzo or any one of his incarnations. On second thought, just Genjo Sanzo would do.
Homura
Toushin Taishi gone AWOL
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Dear Santa--or most likely a fat old paedophile who visits little children late at night,
If you dare show up in my room on Christmas night, I swear I'll shoot you the minute I hear the first "ho ho ho".
My list of demands (though I doubt you could grant any of them, being a fat old paedophile who visits little children late at night):
- An extension on the credit limit of my credit card--the monkey alone eats like an army. (I should be asking the Three Talking Heads for this, but it can't hurt to try here.)
- More leather gear and robes. My clothes keep getting torn, worn out or ruined for some reason.
- No more bloody tentacles/snakes/gropy things.
- Keep Homura far, far away from me.
- Keep the damn fanfic authors who like writing me in those kind of fics far, far away from me.
- If you can't stop those little pests, at least have them write some fic where I'm not the uke, dammit.
- An end to this damn mission--I'm at the end of my non-existent store of patience. (I should have asked the old bitch who sent us on this mission to teleport us there instead.)
- This is obviously impossible, but keep the damn weird girls with colour-changing eyes and rainbow hair away from me.
- If Gojyo and Hakkai don't stop building up the UST, I swear I'm going to shoot them.
This is a waste of my time.
Genjo Sanzo
31st holder of the title, Keeper of the Holy Land and the Infernal Land Sutras and Heavenly Emissary
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(The next note contained an unknown language that Santa's translator elf soon determined--via Altavista Babelfish--was Dragon. The text had to translated into spoken Dragon, then translated from there.)
Kyu kyuuuu kyuu,
Kyuu pyuuu kyukyukyu, kyuuuuu gyukyu. Kyukyugyu pyuuuuuu--
*This letter has been edited for length.*
Dear Santa's Reindeer (to be read as a greeting between fellow beasts of burden),
It must be hard on you (pronoun used in communication between equals), having to drag a fat man (tone implying "stupid bipedal monkey") around in a sled every year. But it is no mean feat to fly around the world in one night.
My list:
- Please tell me how to get around the world in one night so that we can get to the west and finish this stupid mission--my tyres and suspension are definitely the worse for wear.
- A new paint job.
- For the monk (infliction and tone implying sarcasm) not to fire that gun of his while we're travelling or else I'll drop them into another river again.
- For either Hakkai (identifier connoting familiarity or friendship) or the stupid kappa to initiate mating so that all the damn sexual tension will be diffused.*
- More people giving me the attention and the neck-rubs I deserve for hauling them all over the place, dammit (approximate expletive along the lines of "shell-crack").
Jipu,
Magical dragon cum jeep.
*Translator's Notes: Liberties were taken with the interpretation as "to stop the excessive production of pheromones that screws with my head" does not fit well in the context. It should be noted that there was another line that could not be translated after this point. It had references to "large amounts of alcohol", "whipped cream", "an apron" and something about "just as long as they keep the noise down so that I can sleep". Many terms used were probably in Dragon slang and therefore difficult to translate.
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