I know what it’s like to meet God.
I had even less than those poor kids who could turn to each other and to memories of Mom and Dad and the nice village people and birthday parties and summer festivals and sipping hot drinks while it snowed. All I had was myself and I could only turn to memories of five hundred years of the cave with a foggy blackness far behind and far in front of me. I wonder how many people actually heard the "voice" he claimed to have been hearing, I wonder how many people saw those poor lost twin boys, and I wonder how many walked on, thinking, "Nah, not worth it." But he came, with shining golden hair and wearing white robes.
Yes, I know what it’s like to meet God.
I loved him for what he did for me. He saved me from the darkness and brought me into the world and I owed him everything. I feared him because I could never pay him back and he had an awful, awesome power: He could send me back. He could just one day decide that he was bored with me and just snap his fingers and I would be back in the cave in an instant. Why couldn’t he? Gods make the world and they can destroy it without any trouble.
I know what it’s like to love and fear God.
Did he realize what power he had? Did he realize what a dutiful slave he had on his hands? All he had to say was, "Stick out your arm, Goku" and I would have done so. He could have held my arm, palm up, firmly in his hand and I would have let him. He could have taken his still-burning cigarette and ground it in my skin and I wouldn’t have jerked back. He could have demanded that I not scream and I would have been completely silent. He could have smiled and told me that I was a very good boy and I would have thanked him.
I know what it’s like to want God to love you.
How much fun he could have had with me, how far he could have gone with it. It would be little things at first. Goku, stay here for me. Goku, walk over there for me. Goku, listen for me. Goku, speak for me. Goku, provide entertainment for me. Goku, have fun for me. Goku, provide protection for me. Goku, kill for me. Goku, die for me. And I would have been happy to do anything for him.
I know what it’s like to put your entire self into God’s hands.
Smiles are not kindness. Presents are not kindness. Professions of love are not kindness. Those are things that you do and they can be the most horrible torture anyone can inflict on a child who cannot understand that what you do may not be what you mean. He was cruel in action but kind at heart, without realizing it. He never struck me while smiling. He never gave me anything without me asking for it. He never said he cared for me simply to get his way. He never claimed he had something to give me when he had nothing to give and never demanded I pay a high price for something he never intended to give me.
I know what it’s like to try to read what’s behind God’s eyes.
I grew up. I met other people. I went to other places. He no longer had all the answers I wanted. Many times, the answers he once gave me long ago were found out to be false. He made mistakes and I could see them. Sometimes, I’d even fix them. I’d do things right without his advice. A few times, I’d do things right because I went against his advice. I figured out that he did not have the power to destroy the world. I figured out that, in the end, he did not want to get rid of me anyway.
I know what it’s like to meet God, but I know that he’s human after all.