The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land by Eline

Index

Chapter 1: The Perils of Sanzo Houshi sama
Chapter 2: Where we last left our heroes
Chapter 3: What did you say his waist measurement was?

Chapter 1: The Perils of Sanzo Houshi sama

The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land

By Eline (Kanz' on ff.net)

Warnings: Men Behaving Badly. Some truly horrible innuendo and Freudian imagery. Bishies in drag. Bondage. Hentai yaoi fangirls by the metric tonne. Gratuitous references to other anime/manga. Mutilation of myth and clichés. All in very bad taste.

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes may cause lung cancer. (But that doesn’t matter if you're a skinny anime biseinen with a truckload of angst and a fetish for standing out in the rain to brood. In fact, they can also chug beer and sake without getting liver cirrhosis . . . So, where do you sign up to be one?)

* * * * * * * * * *

Sometime after that fiasco with the Motherhood River--which had been around three fanfics ago--the four intrepid--I mean two and a half youkai and one . . . No, that's one and half youkai, one and a half humans and one stone monkey (to be exact) were still--

What? Oh sod.

Wait . . .

One half-human and half youkai, one former human who was now a youkai, one real-honest-to-Kami human and one stone monkey were heading west.

So they were travelling. Travelling, travelling (*snore*) and travelling because it would be really boring if they could get there by air and skip all the angst and character development that's apparently more important than stopping Whatshisface's resurrection.

"Ah--there's a city up ahead," Hakkai pointed out.

"I'm out of cigarettes," Sanzo said pointedly.

"Food!"

"Beer!"

"Hai, hai . . . A detour then," Hakkai said with a fixed smile. (It should be noted that at the rate they were going, it might actually take the whole fourteen years to get to the west as in the original novel.)

The city had high walls and there was an orderly queue at the main gates under the sign "Customs Inspection". Jeep got in line behind a wagonload of chickens and it was not long before they reached the gate.

"Welcome to the capital. Please state if this is your first visit," said the woman behind the counter in a way that suggested that she had said it a thousand other times that day.

"First visit, I believe," Hakkai replied.

At this, the woman at their counter looked up and the other gatekeepers squeaked and started chattering excitedly amongst themselves.

"Ano . . . Excuse me, miss? We're travellers making a stopover," Hakkai said.

"Oh . . . right! Right . . . um, anything to declare? Dangerous or prohibited substances? Any weapons?"

"Hey, if a girl wants to see a weapon, I'd be happy to oblige--" Gojyo began before Hakkai elbowed him in the ribs.

"Excuse me, but are weapons forbidden?"

"Oh no, we just keep a record and give you a receipt."

So everyone rummaged around in spandex space to dig out various weapons.

"You wanna know what this can do? I give demonstrations . . ." Gojyo was still flirting with the checkpoint girls as they were issued receipts for one gun, one staff, one shaku jou and one small white dragon (which the checkpoint girls had cooed over because he was "kawaii").

"Gojyo--I think we should go now." Something about Hakkai's level gaze contrived to imply that Gojyo could spend long, lonely evenings polishing his weapon all by himself if that went on any longer.

"Okay, okay--going now . . ."

They entered the city and there was a bazaar just inside. Sanzo and Gojyo could spot a cigarette stand from two hundred metres away, so restocking on coffin nails was no problem. Relatively at ease, they went window shopping in the bazaar. Which had some really interesting goods other than cigarettes.

Goods which could be neatly summed up by:

"I didn't know that there could actually *be* thirty-eight flavours of lube . . ." Hakkai murmured.

"Mmmmm . . . Chocolate flavour," Gojyo said. "If we go shopping afterwards, let's get some--oh Kami . . ."

"Oh dear . . . there're some things that children shouldn't see," Hakkai said as he covered Goku's eyes when they passed by a stall of some really interesting . . . er, toys.

"Hey--what's that? Oi Hakkai, lemme see!" Goku yelled as they dragged him past the world's most interesting collection of battery-operated gadgets. "I'm already eighteen plus five hundred for goodness sake!"

"Age is no indication of mental maturity. You're a prime example," Sanzo said, lighting up another cigarette as they passed by more stalls selling bootlegs of videos with titles like "Ai no Kusabi" and "Bronze/Zetsuai".

"Is it just me, or is there something odd here?" Gojyo wondered.

"It's because they're all women here, stupid kappa," Sanzo said with an irritated snort. "Fancy *you* not noticing it. Or remembering what some other character told us about three fanfics ago"

"Haven't seen any men at all," Goku added. "Wonder why?"

"Hello, strangers! You look lost. Want a tour of the town?" asked a perky voice from behind them.

* * * * * * * * * *

It had given them a shock. It had been entirely unexpected.

Which was why the gatekeepers let the group consisting of one monk, one kappa, one smiling guy, one monkey and one small and kawaii white dragon through before rifling around frantically under the counter for the book of Emergency Procedures.

* * * * * * * * * *

There were two women standing behind them. The one on the left waved cheerfully.

The one on the right wore a shirt declaring that "Sith Lords Kick Ass" and the other was sporting a tee that proclaimed her "Another Fan of the H". They were both grinning like Christmas, New Year and the Lunar New Year had all come at once, with naughty toys involved.

All in all, it was rather scary.

"Er, we're just looking around . . ."

"Nonsense! We're the official Welcome Wagon!" chirped the one on the right. "I'm Yuki--"

"And I'm Suki! We had a third member, but Yuri is at home with a cold today. Welcome to our city! Here's a brochure!"

"So . . . this place really doesn't have any men at all?"

"Of course! You're the first males to enter the city since those other guys about a month back."

"And what happened to *them*?" Hakkai had the sense to ask.

"Oh, there was this cute kid who came through muttering something about getting a shikigami, but we didn't have any. When we offered to show him around the bazaar, he turned a really cute shade of red and left," Yuki told him.

"And don't forget the guy chasing after him," Suki reminded her friend.

"Oh yeah--there was the other cute goofy guy with the violet eyes who was looking for the kid. We offered him loads of apple pie, but he left after going through about ten of them."

"And the other white-haired guy chasing them," Suki squealed. "He was gorgeous!"

"He seemed to be more interested in the violet-eyed guy though . . . not that I blame him." And they giggled. Which was even more scary. Our intrepid foursome started to inch away by degrees.

"Ano, we'd better get a move on . . ." Hakkai began with an apologetic smile.

Suki pouted in an alarming fashion. "Oh, we have to give you a tour! So few people actually let us--especially cute strangers!"

"Hey, maybe they're . . ." Yuki started whispering into Suki's ear, which caused an even more alarming grin to appear.

In times of danger, the boys' well-honed survival instincts would come into play and those instincts were yelling at them to run away at maximum speed. Right about *now*. But Suki and Yuki were even faster.

"Are you . . . like, *yaoi*?" they asked breathlessly, glomping onto Gojyo.

"Er . . ." Gojyo had no idea which reply would land him in hotter water.

"Or *bi* bishounens?" The two girls began to squeal happily. "Are you? Are you?"

Going redder than his hair, Gojyo looked at Hakkai for help. Hakkai was *not* about to volunteer himself. "Er . . ."

"Because if you are . . . can we watch?"

And Gojyo had a nosebleed right there when he noticed the elaborate video equipment the hentai yaoi fangirls were lugging behind them.

"Oh dear," Hakkai murmured as he caught Gojyo. The kappa was going for the gold with a spray radius of 1.47 metres.

"Kyyaaaaaaaa!" the pair of crazy women shrieked and whipped out a Polaroid camera.

* * * * * * * * * *

It was there, of course. It had always been there but no one had used it for ages.

It took a little while to find it, but at the back of the Emergency Procedures was the section entitled "What To Do If Any Males Show Up".

The instructions were specific, to the point and there was even a big red button to push.

Somewhere else, an alarm started to ring.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Hakkai, get the stupid kappa up and drag him along if you have to," Sanzo snapped. "We're leaving."

"Without lunch?" Goku asked plaintively. "Could we pllleeeaaaaasssseee stop for lunch? Please, please, please--"

Thwap!

"No! We're leaving and that's that!"

"Oh, that's mean!" Suki exclaimed. "He's a growing boy after all!"

"Five hundred and eighteen years--now that's *slow* growth," Gojyo muttered as he recovered from the last bout of nasal blood loss. "Eh? What's that?"

There was a commotion up ahead, apparently caused by the appearance of a massive stretch-limo accompanied by a large fire engine.

"Ah, news spreads fast," Yuki observed.

"Ano . . . what news?"

"Oh, this and that . . ." Suki said, vacillating somewhere between nervousness and the unnatural perkiness she had been exhibiting. "Ah, there's the royal herald . . . She had to use that fire engine since the budget didn't cover chariots."

"Make way for the Grand Vizier!" the herald called. When this failed to budge the crowd, she resorted to the less polite but more effective bellow of: "Move you silly sods! I've got a high-pressure hose and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"And that's an advantage too . . ."

"Sanzo--we should definitely go now," Hakkai suggested as the herald's vehicle got closer. And they would have fled the scene, except for the inconvenient crowd that had popped up around them.

"Ano, excuse me . . . please let us through . . ."

"Coming through--whoops, sorry . . . Hakkai--that was an accident, I swear! I didn't mean to grab her bu--"

"I'm hunggrrryyyy! I'm sooo hungry I'm going to pass out before we even get out of here!"

Sanzo looked like he would have preferred a fire engine with a high-pressure hose.

They had not even made three feet of progress before the fire engine barrelled past them and the limo pulled up at the curb, disgorging several feet of faux leather carpeting and the supposed Grand Vizier.

"She looks sort of scary," Goku whispered.

"I have a bad feeling about this . . ."

"Oh, and why would you feel that?" Suki asked, still smiling fixedly.

"Maybe it's the riding crop," Gojyo suggested.

"Maybe it's because normal women don't normally wear that much leather at one go," Sanzo observed.

"Maybe it's because Grand Viziers are inevitably evil," Hakkai said. "Well, they mostly are according to Disney and Terry Pratchett," he said when they all looked at him quizzically.

"Hakkai, you've been watching the Disney Channel again, haven't you?" Gojyo said with a groan. "You and me have got to talk about that someday when we're not facing scary women togged in leather . . ."

The woman in leathers--leathers that were so well-oiled that they didn't creak--approached and it should be noted that the crowd parted like the Red Sea and Suki and Yuki made themselves scarce after a hastily muttered, "Mission accomplished. Bye now!"

"Right--down to business," the Grand Vizier, unfurling a ten-foot long silk scroll. "Hear ye, hear ye and all that rubbish . . . Oi, don't walk away when someone's talking to you!"

"Who, us?" Gojyo asked innocently as they attempted to squeezed their way backwards through the crowd at their backs.

"Yes, you! We're in need of one royal consort, due to the overall shortage of males and whatnot," the Vizier announced, peering at them over the edge of the scroll. "You four! You're under consideration. Consider yourselves honoured!"

"Oi, wait a minute--"

"We can do this the easy way, or the hard way," purred the woman in leather. "Personally, I prefer the hard way . . ."

"Eek."

"Indeed . . . it's not like we're not open for negotiations," Hakkai said quickly.

"Hakkai--"

"They are innocent humans after all, Sanzo," Hakkai whispered to the priest. "You can't just shoot them."

When did morals ever get in the way of him shooting *anyone*? Goku and Gojyo wondered privately.

"So what do we do now?" Goku asked.

"We play along for now, stupid ape," Gojyo said through a very fake smile.

"Negotiations?" the Grand Vizier asked.

"Oh yes. We're on a mission from the Powers That Be, but I think we could spare one of our number," Hakkai said.

"And who would that be?"

"Why Chou An's very own Genjo Sanzo . . ."

"What the f--"

"He's just being shy. Ignore anything he says--it's just a fit of nerves." Gojyo had Sanzo in a headlock.

"A monk? You've got to be kidding--"

"Ah, but there's a higher chance of him being a virgin, right?"

Sanzo's outraged growls grew even louder.

"Oh shut up, Sanzo . . . we'll get you out . . . eventually," Gojyo said, still managing to find ways to irk the priest in situations like this. He raised his voice to address the Vizier. "He's no ordinary priest, lady. I mean, not in the conventional sense. Normal rules don't apply to him. This here is a first-class, high-ranking piece of as--I mean a high-ranking priest! We're just his lackeys . . . um, so we're--"

"--peasants," Hakkai supplied helpfully.

"Yeah. Peasants. And we were being oppressed by arrogant high-ranking monks too . . . Um, besides, I've got a commitment-phobia with women. I sleep around all the time," Gojyo said and threw in the real kicker. "And I fart in bed and can't be arsed to put out the garbage on the right day."

"I've got deep-seated emotional problems and I was so scarred by my past that I thought I could never love again," Hakkai said. "Attractive as that might sound to most females, I'm afraid I've already found solace in the arms of another man." And he elbowed Goyjo discretely.

"Oh--um, right!" Gojyo said hurriedly.

There was many a gushy sigh over this proclamation of shounen ai and an equal number of mutters of "Dammit! The good ones are always either taken or gay!" from the crowd.

"Ummm . . . I'm too young and all I think about is food?" Goku suggested when all eyes turned towards him.

A heavy pause.

Goku sweat-dropped. "I'm a monkey, okay? And Sanzo always says I'm immature, so there!"

If looks could kill, Sanzo's glare would have turned the lot of them into itty-bitty little specks of charred dust.

"Hmmm, it does seem that there's only one possible choice . . . It's a good thing he's the cutest one too."

"Hey--what do you--" Gojyo began heatedly before Hakkai stomped on his foot.

"So, would you let us through your city then?"

"Hmm . . . His phallic symbol is sort of small though. . ."

If both Gojyo and Hakkai had not been sitting on Sanzo at that time, there would have been casualties and blood in the street.

"Ah, but you know what they say about the size of the phallic symbol . . ." Hakkai said swiftly, ignoring the dirty look that Gojyo directed at him. "It's what you do with it that counts--Sanzo's gun packs a punch. And you haven't seen what his Sutra can do--"

"Hey, how'd you know that?" Gojyo asked suspiciously through the influx of innuendoes. He was still smarting from the perceived crack at his phallic symbol.

"Gojyo, just play along . . ." Hakkai continued a little desperately. "Good with children and cute little animals too!"

"Right--we'll take him then."

"He's non-refundable," Gojyo muttered, letting go of one really irate priest. Said priest would have kicked his ass halfway into next Wednesday, but was grabbed by the leather-clad Vizier and tipped backwards into her car--and into the hands of her handcuff-wielding lackeys (who wore outfits that could have made Chocolate and Tira Misu from BH blush)

Goku and Hakkai made don't-worry-we'll-sort-this-out and other reassuring gestures at Sanzo, who wasn't having that much fun at the moment, really, unless he was the kind of guy who liked that sort of thing with handcuffs and leather.

"So, we can go now?"

"Yeah, sure--here's your Get-The-Hell-Out-Of-Here Pass. Now you can be on your way to the western gate then . . ."

There was something about the way she was grinning that made them uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than usual, I mean.

"There wouldn't be any trouble getting to the western gate, would there?" Hakkai asked uncertainly.

"Oh no . . . unless you mean *them*," the Vizier said, indicating the crowd of drooling women around them.

"*What*?"

"Hey, since you're not consort material, you're up for grabs," the Vizier said with a sly grin. "Unless anyone wants the job as the cabana boy on my river barge?"

"Um, we'll pass?"

"Have it your way. It's Open Season, girls!" the Vizier called out before stepping into the car and ordering the driver to step on it.

"Uh-oh . . . I have a bad feeling about this, Hakkai . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

And we couldn't just leave Sanzo like that . . .

"Now to make sure you're mentally prepared for this, here's a list of requirements." The Grand Vizier brought out another scroll that was at least three inches thick. "Seeing as you're sort of tied up at the moment, I'll have to read it to you."

A glare was all she got in reply.

"Ahem . . . One: As a royal consort, virginity is optional. Two: If said consort is, in fact, a virgin, then look to number three. Three: A copy of the unabridged Kama Sutra will be provided in case." She obligingly dropped a telephone-directory-sized original first edition of the Kama Sutra with the illustrations and diagrams that did not quite make it into the Penguin Classics edition into Sanzo's lap. "Four: Contribution to the royal lineage--which is not necessary but extremely desirable because it adds to the gene pool. Five: Duties of the consort--"

Sanzo had tuned her out by the time she got to number eighteen--which had something to do with chocolate sauce and an eggbeater--and concentrated on trying to chew through the gag while plotting to kill his erstwhile companions.

* * * * * * * * * *

"You're not the only one, Gojyo," Hakkai said, eyeing the mob warily.

"I'm not so hungry anymore . . ."

"Diversion?"

"Oh, if you would so kind . . ."

"Hey--isn't that Ewan McGregor over there?"

They took advantage of the crowd's momentary distraction to make a break for it. But it was never *that* easy.

"Oh Kami . . . is that a retro disco beat?" Gojyo wondered as they ran like heck. That question was soon answered when they turned the corner and found themselves outmanoeuvred. "Shit!"

Yuki, standing on a retro platform and wielding a microphone on a stand with deadly intent. She winked at them and started to sing with a pseudo-accent.

And then a troupe of anime girls from the missing fanservice episode popped up to take on the chorus:

"Run!" Gojyo yelled and took off with Hakkai and Goku keeping up with very little prompting.

In a scene that would have looked a lot better animated (but for the low budget of this fanfic), they almost ran right into Suki and her troupe of anime girls at the other end of the street.

They were off before the chorus could start up, desperately seeking an escape route while being chased by hentai yaoi fangirls and bands of karaoke-crazy anime girls in a sequence that would have been more amusing if animated.

"When . . . will it . . . end . . .?" Hakkai groaned as they ducked down another alleyway.

"I dunno . . . Just run!"

"In here!" Hakkai slipped through a very narrow gap between two walls and because they were such skinny anime bishies, they all managed to squeeze through.

"Whew!" Goku gasped as they emerged in a courtyard filled with clotheslines. "I think we can hide here for a while. I'm tired because I haven't had any food!"

"Argh . . . I never thought I'd be running away from women . . ." Gojyo shuddered. "But that wasn't natural, I'll tell you . . . So now what?"

"We need to figure out how to get Sanzo out. I imagine he wouldn't be very happy with us," said Hakkai, calmly making the understatement of the century.

"Do we have to?"

"Yes!" Goku said. "But maybe some lunch first?"

"Hmmm . . . But we need to be able to move around here without drawing attention," Hakkai said and he turned his gaze on the clotheslines.

"Oh no . . . Oh no!" Gojyo protested as Hakkai's plans became obvious. "You're not making me put on a--"

But Hakkai was already advancing on Gojyo with a gleam in his visible eye.

"No . . . Hakkai--nnnooooooooooo!"

So as it turned out--and Gojyo was wont to say in the days after that incident--Hell was here. With ABBA songs.

* * * * * * * * * *

Somewhere else, Chou An's hottest piece of a--I mean highest ranking monk--was thinking most unmonkly thoughts about offing all three youkai, to heck with the Heavenly orders and the bloody mission.

Of course, it was all their fault he was stuck here with a bunch of psychotic leather-clad women. He *knew* that youkai were not trustworthy and he would love to tell the Talking Heads "I told you so". Just let him get out of this before anyone had a chance to implement number forty-three. Or fifty-one. The way that that awful Vizier woman had read out number fifty-one was just . . . *evil*.

And that mad woman had already got past number sixty-nine (which was in fact . . . um, 69 . . .) on the list and gone on all the way to number eight-four--which was something involving Pocky sticks (in the 3 most popular three flavours, sans nuts) that didn't bear thinking about.

Sanzo had thought up several long, drawn out deaths involving a quantity of Celine Dion CDs and a tonne of pickled herring, but skipped those in favour of nukes to fry the entire fanfic out of existence. So after he had got out of this mess, he would have to figure out how to breach the Fourth Wall and get into an anime/manga series that had nuclear capabilities . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

This socially-unredeeming badfic was so long, it had to be split into parts.

Back to index

Chapter 2: Where we last left our heroes

The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land

By Eline

Warnings: Very, very bad fanfic continues. Much hentai references. And Eline *likes* kicking the mickey out of herself and her thing for yaoi.

* * * * * * * * * *

Somewhere else . . .

A bicycle was being slowly pushed over some rocky terrain. The person pushing it was sweating and cursing under his breath.

"This job . . . gets worse every day . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

Back to our scheduled harassment of the Saiyuki boys . . . who are stuck up the proverbial creek in the capital of Onnaland without a paddle (unless you counted the one Hakkai carried around that no one was supposed to know about). But all was not lost . . .

"Hakkai," Gojyo said flatly, "I always knew you had a twisted streak in you, but I never thought it was *this* twisted."

"Shhhh--keep walking," Hakkai said cheerfully (as usual).

"I'm *trying* to. This bloody skirt won't let me! And how come I have to wear the heels? I'm taller than either of you!"

"You've got the legs for it," Hakkai said with the blithe assurance that only someone wearing sensible flats could have. In fact, he looked like a female version of his former school-teacher-like-self. Gojyo merely looked like a slut. (Okay, so he was a slut, but due to stereotypical gender categorisations, a woman dressed like Gojyo was at that moment would be called a slut, but Gojyo in his usual clothes would not.)

As for Goku . . . Well, let's not talk about Goku because that would involve a lot of neon-print spandex with matching sneakers and we cannot afford any more blood-loss today.

"Hakkai, they're looking at us in a suspicious way . . ."

"Keep walking," Hakkai said, smiling to himself.

"What if they suspect us or something?" Gojyo wasn't too sure about this disguise at all. In fact, Gojyo was never too confident whenever Hakkai suggested disguises that involved cross-dressing. And he did that so often too . . .

"Just a bit more--we'll find an empty street soon."

"I hope so--I've got a run in my stockings."

Hakkai had noticed that, of course. He had been walking just a little ways behind Gojyo--and noticing a lot of things, naturally.

"Ne, Hakkai--I think some of those women are heading this way," Goku said nervously.

"Ah . . . Very well then, a change in plans--now we run for it, but very casually . . ." And they quickstepped it around the corner as fast as their stocking-clad feet could take them.

"Stupid heels," Gojyo muttered as they scuttled into a quiet lane. He propped himself against an empty doorway and started to pry at the bright red high-heels. "I've got blisters, I know it . . . Hang on, I gotta get these damn shoes off--"

"Do keep them--we may have to return them later," Hakkai said. He had liked those red pumps--on Gojyo, of course.

"Anything to get out of these--yargggggghhh!" The reason for Gojyo's sudden departure from coherency was the sudden opening of the door he was leaning against.

The young woman who had opened it looked down quizzically at the body sprawled at her feet. Gojyo stared back--or rather, he was staring up the hem of her white skirt from his convenient position on the floor. "Good morning--I'm Nurse Hannah. Can I help you--oh, you must be the guys everyone's so worked up about--"

"Hai, hai, we can about that talk later," Hakkai said as he seized the chance and shoved himself and Goku through the door--over Gojyo--and shut it behind them. He had planted one sensible brown flat-heeled shoe rather near Gojyo's family jewels in the process--whether by accident or not, we would never know. "Sumimasen, but we may have to hole up here for a while," he said apologetically to the woman. "I hope you're not going to scream or yell as it would be extremely stupid in this situation."

The nurse looked at his smiling visage and wisely followed her woman's intuition--which was giving off an alarm klaxon at the moment. "Perish the thought," she muttered even as the sound of a lot of assorted pumps, trainers and strappy platform sandals thundered by outside.

"That was close . . . Geez, news spreads fast," Gojyo said after they were certain that there was no crazed women stampeding outside.

"That's the thing about rumours . . . they spread faster than thought around here," said Nurse Hannah. "Wanna sit down instead of crowding up the hallway and looking like a bunch of hunted rabbits?"

Gojyo lit up a cigarette with shaky hands. "So what *would* they do if they caught us?"

"Ummm . . . make you sing Waterloo?" said the nurse as they walked into something that looked like the kind of waiting area one found in clinics.

"Oh Kami . . . a fate worse than death." Gojyo plopped down on the PVC-covered couch and kicked off the pumps. "And we had to put up with these weird disguises . . ."

"You didn't actually think you could've got away with those disguises, did you?

"Er, how could you tell?"

"Hey, *those* heels with *that* skirt?" She shook her head. "Even cross-dressers would be offended."

"Oh really?" Gojyo glared at Hakkai, who had the grace to look slightly embarrassed.

"Well, it was the only workable plan at the moment . . . And we may need another one to get Sanzo out soon," Hakkai said worriedly. "Or else things would get rather unpleasant when we do actually rescue him . . ."

"He'd probably cuss us out," Gojyo said.

"Beat us with his fan . . ." Goku put in.

"And then he'd shoot us." Hakkai shook his head slowly. "Dear, dear . . ."

"Oh? The one in the Palace is your friend? The Empress has been waiting for a consort for some time now. I think she's ready to marry just about any male as long as it can fulfil her obligations to the throne. If you're friend is unattractive enough, he could get out of it, I suppose . . ."

They thought about Sanzo for a moment--golden hair, violet eyes, pale skin contrasting sharply against the black leather of his tight, tight shirt and--and stopped before all this mental meandering could cause the inevitable tightening of the pants. "Nah, not a chance," they said glumly. "Until he opens his mouth and curses a blue streak, maybe . . . But even *that* might not be enough to get him out of it. We're going to have to rescue him," Hakkai said. "Any longer and he may just break out, hunt us to the ends of the earth . . ."

"Cuss us out," Gojyo added.

"Beat us with his fan . . ." Goku said morosely.

"And then he'd shoot us."

"Weellll, there *may* be a way . . . I got a royal appointment for a certain health check-up today," said Nurse Hannah, holding up a card that had got to her a lot faster than the rumours on the street could. "Could sneak you in if you like . . ."

"What amazing luck . . ." Hakkai murmured. "One would think that such coincidences don't normally happen in real life . . . But I am being informed by this strange voice beside my ear that this is most assuredly *not* real life and I should go with the flow. So I am supposed to give effusive thanks and trust in providence or else no n--eh, I see. Hannah-san, thank you--we are in your debt . . ."

"Well . . . There *is* something you could do . . ."

"Uh-oh--" They all tensed to sprint for it.

The nurse held out some specimen jars. "Make a donation?"

And this was when they finally looked up at the sign over the counter.

"Oh . . ." Hakkai said, deadpan. "I didn't know that a city full of women would have one, but it makes an odd kind of sense . . . Extremely warped sense to be sure . . ."

"Ne, Hakkai? What's a Sperm Bank?" Goku asked, unintentionally causing Gojyo and Nurse Hannah to keel over. "And do they have food here?"

Sweat-dropping furiously while Gojyo banged his head against the wall in an attempt to quell his mirth, Hakkai mumbled, "Ano, Goku . . . Remember that talk about the birds and the bees? And that bit about having to wash your sheets if something happens at 4am in the morning?"

"Oh yeah . . . I remember that!"

"Well, sometimes, when people, er . . . want to make babies, they might need some help from this . . . place," Hakkai said, glaring over Goku's head at Gojyo with a look that plainly said get-me-out-of-this-now-or-else-no-sex-for-a-month-no-matter-what-this-crackpot-fanfic-author-is-planning.

"Donations are very welcome. We try to collect from all travellers before that mob gets to them," Nurse Hannah cut in hurriedly. "Will you need any magazines? We have a selection in the private room . . ."

"Erm, I don't think so . . ."

"Hey, I'm in a skirt and you're in a skirt. This is a yaoi fanfic. Do we need anymore reasons?" Gojyo asked. "No? Great! Shall we?"

"Only if I get to lead this time," said Hakkai, putting his trust in providence.

"Sure! I'm a gentlemen after all . . ."

And Gojyo and Hakkai waltzed a very short waltz into the private room and slammed the door shut behind them.

"You forgot this!"

"Oops . . . Sorry . . ." Gojyo's arm came out and took the icebox from Nurse Hannah. "See you in a bit . . ."

"Here, why don't you have a cookie . . ." the nurse suggested, getting out her tea-break cookie tin.

"Thank you!" Goku said beaming. "Ne, why aren't you with the crazy girls outside?"

"I don't swing that way. Job requirement."

"Oh--so you have a girlfriend? Like with Hakkai and Gojyo, only reversed, right?" Goku said, proving that he was not *that* oblivious yet.

"Eh . . ."

"It's not like you can't *tell* with those two," Goku continued, spraying crumbs. "They do it all the time. Sanzo says the noise keeps him up at night--that's why he's so grumpy. Ne, is it really better than food?"

"Oh, that depends, really," Nurse Hannah said, sweat-dropping slightly. She handed over the entire cookie-tin and sat down to read her 300 page Cosmopolitan Summer Special.

* * * * * * * * * *

Sanzo was having one of those days again.

The people around him were all idiots. Nothing new there. The people around him kept wanting him to do things he didn't want to do. Nothing new there. The people around him seemed to be undressing him mentally. Nothing new there either. He was also suffering from a reoccurring problem with his jeans that he devoutly prayed that no one noticed.

That particular problem happened in many embarrassing situations. Especially when it involved handcuffs. The fly button had a tendency to come loose when the shirt buttons did in all those Backgammon cheesecake fanservice pictures. Sanzo might as well not have a fly button at all for some of those pictures.

It was, all in all, a crappy day. But he was certainly not going to say anything about it getting worse.

That's the fanfic author's job after all.

* * * * * * * * * *

Non-beneficial badfic is getting longer by the day . . .

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Chapter 3: What did you say his waist measurement was?

The Journey into Yaoifangirl Land

By Eline

Warnings: Men Behaving Badly. Some truly horrible innuendo and Freudian imagery. Bishies in drag. Bondage. Hentai yaoi fangirls by the metric tonne. Gratuitous references to other anime/manga. Mutilation of myth and clichés. All in very bad taste.

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes may cause lung cancer. (But it's okay if you're Sanzo.)

Very, very bad fanfic continues and actually reaches a kind of conclusion.

* * * * * * * * * *

A white van with "Ogenki Clinic" stencilled in big red letters on the side drove up to the service entrance of the Palace later that day with Nurse Hannah and another rather pretty brunette in a white uniform in the driver's compartment. They were waved through without any questions.

It had taken a little time before they could organise the escape plan and get the right disguises together. It was agreed that if the plan failed, they would say that they had coerced the nurse into helping them by letting her watch Gojyo and Hakkai in the private room, thereby making her the envy of the city and supplying an excuse that no one could possibly find fault with.

(Two hours had passed before Hakkai and Gojyo emerged, a little rumpled but cheerfully bearing with them the fruits of their labour.

"We kept forgetting about the jars--"

"Which was why we had to try a few more times," Hakkai said calmly.

"About twelve times more," Gojyo said with the smile of someone who knows the real limits of youkai stamina through experience.

"Twelve times?" At that point, Nurse Hannah had got this rather glazed look on her face. "*Twelve* times?"

"I always bring along an apron with me. It turns him on," Hakkai said, folding up said apron and stowing it away in spandex space.

Nurse Hannah barely managed to refrain from having a nasal haemorrhage on the spot.)

Fortunately, the spare nurse's uniform fitted Hakkai quite well. Goku and Gojyo, hidden in cardboard boxes labelled "medical supplies", escaped notice entirely.

* * * * * * * * * *

There was much activity centring around the person of Genjo Sanzo. After they had made it to the Palace without too much fuss (and only one person had to carted off to the infirmary due to blood loss), they had wrestled that tight shirt off him eventually, but his jeans were giving them some problems . . .

"It won't come off!" said one nose-plug-wearing servitor.

Sanzo, currently as limp as dead seaweed and mentally reciting the multiplication tables backwards, could have told them to give it up because there was no way his jeans could come off if he did not breathe in ever so slightly to allow for that one vital millimetre of give. But it has been noted that Sanzo was the kind of person who was ever so unhelpful, especially when people wanted to get his clothes off. (Furthermore, not even Calvin could ever get between Sanzo and his jeans, hence the rating of this fic doesn't quite cover Sanzo's ass after ripping his pants off.)

"Since it's skin-tight, we can just take a measurement now . . ." said the other woman, who was considering nose-plugs even if she didn't swing that way. "Pass the tape . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

Once they were safely within the Palace grounds and parallel-parked, Hakkai un-packaged Goku and Gojyo. They were planning to skulk along behind Nurse Hannah, hoping that they'd be lead to Sanzo. Failing that, there was always Goku's nose and the spare set of Sanzo's sandals that Hakkai had brought along.

(Hakkai had to change out of the nurse's uniform though. Gojyo tended to get . . . distracted every time he looked at him in that get-up.)

"So what was the plan again?"

"Run in, get Sanzo and run for it."

"Right. What if that doesn’t work?"

"You're awfully pessimistic today, Gojyo."

"It's one of those days, Hakkai, I can feel it in my bones."

* * * * * * * * * *

Sanzo had had it up to here with this stupid situation. He had been poked, prodded and drooled over, not to mention almost being drenched by the last moron who had a nosebleed in his vicinity.

He got up, fished for his packet of cigarettes and lit one.

One of those annoying women bustled over. "Excuse me, you should refrain from smoking--"

Sanzo really hated resorting to this sort of thing, but he was too irritated to care. One fine blond eyebrow arched up as one corner of those pouty lips curled down. And the hips--let's not forget the cocking of the hips, which incidentally drew the eye to the fact that Sanzo was shirtless.

"Nnn--urk . . ." The formerly annoying lackey produced a suitably impressive spray range and flopped over from the loss of blood.

Sanzo's casual saunter out the door was not impeded in anyway by the guards outside, who were too busy trying to control the sudden bouts of nasal blood loss.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Someone's coming! Move!"

They ducked into an open doorway to wait for the women to pass. As luck would have had it, the entire party comprising of a familiar figure in black leather and some people who looked like courtiers in strange hats turned and entered their refuge, leaving guards at the door. Which turned out to be some sort of audience chamber. Which was already occupied a woman sitting at a large desk.

"I knew it," Gojyo sighed. "We could have been perfectly happy not meeting up with that Grand Vizier lady again for the rest of this fic, but nooo . . ."

"Eh? What's this?" the woman at the desk asked, clearly puzzled. She was pleasant-looking enough, though she appeared to be neck deep in paperwork.

"Majesty--these are three of those men from that fracas in the city this morning," the Grand Vizier said, looking them over calculatively.

"Men? Oh, I thought they looked rather strange . . ."

"They seem to like it here a lot. Maybe they're here to take up permanent residentship." The Grand Vizier leered in an obligatory fashion. "Reconsidering the cabana boy option?"

"We'll pass. We just need to get Sanzo and we'll be on our way."

"Eh, that's not an option--he's quite popular around here as it is."

"I regret that it has come down to this . . ." Hakkai said, unbuttoning the collar of his shirt (and causing fangirly palpitations across the land).

"I don't," the Vizier said, getting visibly excited and fingering her whip in a way that was guaranteed to scare the defiance out of lesser beings. "So it's a fight then?"

"Crap," Gojyo muttered and looked for someplace to hide.

"Gojyo, stay put," Hakaki said, never taking his eyes from the Grand Vizier.

"That's your little uke? This is going to be easy," the Grand Vizier cackled.

"We shall see," Hakkai said, a gleam in his one visible eye and his monocle. Gojyo felt the beginning of a whimper of protest forming at the uke crack.

("Really, I must protest this show of violence in my workplace," the Empress said mildly.

"Lady, do you actually think they're talking about fighting in that way?" Gojyo asked incredulously.)

But before things got any more interesting and the flow of events would force the author to do unspeakable things to Gojyo or do even more fanservice, a page ran in without knocking and passed the Grand Vizier a note.

"Urgent message for Her Majesty!"

The Grand Vizier read the note and frowned. "It is still your decision, Majesty," she said as she passed the note to the woman who was most probably the Empress.

"Um, what's this about anyway?" the Empress asked quizzically.

The Grand Vizier looked vaguely put out. "Majesty, I sent a memo."

Everyone looked at the overflowing in-tray on the desk. Whole civilisations could have got lost in it.

"A problem?" Hakkai inquired hopefully.

"This is not possible . . ." They read the note again. "You can't mean to say he's 56cm at the waist?"

"Hmm, 56 cm (22.5 inches) at the waist--that's Sanzo's measurement all right," said Hakkai, the most knowledgeable in matters like this solely because he did the group's laundry and mending of torn clothes.

"Her Majesty is 23 inches at the waist," the Vizier said, suddenly a lot less sure of herself. "It is not acceptable."

"What isn't?"

"Well, it's not a *rule* or anything . . . but--but it's not done to have a husband who has better waist measurements than the wife even when she's not pregnant!"

"Na, Sanzo's been pregnant before. But he didn't get to the stage where it actually shows," Goku said with his usual tact.

"I thought you said he was a virgin!"

No, we never said that. We just said that there was a *chance* of Sanzo being a virgin . . . with girls, the other three thought to themselves.

"Er, it was that river on the eastern border and three or four fanfics ago . . ."

"Oh dear, what's going on now?" the Empress asked. Her question went mostly unheard.

"Oh." The Vizier seemed to be at a loss for once. "This is unprecedented. A consort who has a better waist measurement and one who has drank from the River as well . . ."

"So he is not acceptable?"

"Well, we do need a consort and drool material . . ."

"An impasse, then," Hakkai said, his eyes lighting up ever so slightly with a look that Gojyo had seen on certain nights. "I have a suggestion . . ."

But before he could get around to actually suggesting anything, a bicycle bell sounded. A man on a bicycle that looked as though it had gone through Hell and back wheeled in, swearing and panting as he drew even with them.

"Oi, I've been cycling all the way to get here--"

The doors chose that moment to slam open again. The impetus was probably caused by the weight of the fallen guards, who appeared to be drooling and suffering from massive nosebleeds at the same time.

The cause of this stood in the doorway, irritably tapping his foot and smoking a cigarette. "You idiots are late--as usual," Sanzo snapped. "Now hurry up and get it over with so that we can get on with this stupid journey."

"Sanzo!"

"You're still alive?"

"You're okay!"

("Is he a man too?")

"You're a right bastard to track--that's what you are!" The last had came from the man with the bicycle. He plucked something out from the basket mounted on his bike and waved it at Sanzo.

"Here!" And he handed Sanzo a newspaper and his complementary member's issue of the Violent Violet-Eye Bishounen Society Monthly. "I had some job finding you in here! Not to mention all the crazy women chasing me all over the place!"

"Ano . . . You're the deliveryman? How do you find us every day?" Hakkai wondered in the sudden stupefied silence.

"Yeah. This route's a thankless job . . . You'd think it was *easy*. Just collect the day's paper at whatever local distributor's booth is the nearest and deliver the paper. It never said anything about deserts, mountains, forests and more deserts! But you're easy to find--I just look for a trail of destruction a mile wide or several hundred dead youkai," the delivery guy pointed out bluntly.

"I see . . ."

But the man was on a rant spree based on months of trekking over rough terrain on a daily basis and facing the leftovers of whatever danger they had encountered. "Or I could just ask all those townspeople who can always remember which way you guys went. For some reason, restaurant owners seem rather glad you all left. And he apparently never tips!"

Everyone sweat-dropped.

("Will someone tell me what's going on, who are all these people and what are they doing in here? I thought we were going through the last annual economic review today?" the Empress asked plaintively.)

"Oi, back to the business at hand," the Grand Vizier said, a trifle uncertain of how everything was going to go from here.

"I have an idea . . ." Hakkai said brightly, praying for no more interruptions. "If Her Majesty and everyone is amicable to it . . ."

I don't trust his ideas, Gojyo, Goku and Sanzo thought. Not one bit.

Hakkai's monocle glinted. "It came to me while I was speaking to Nurse Hannah here . . ." And they promptly detailed a course of action that would solve a lot of problems and allow everyone to carry on as usual with added benefits.

There was one person who had any objections to the Plan, but as it was, he was seriously out-voted.

* * * * * * * * * *

Somewhere, a bitch god(dess) was laughing it's head off.

* * * * * * * * * *

There was the setting sun, sinking in the west as usual. There was Jeep, heading off into the sunset as usual.

There was Goku, almost comatose after a very large meal.

There was Hakkai, eternally smiling. Though his smile at that moment *could* have been a millimetre or two wider than usual.

There was Gojyo, looking relaxed. But his grin is the kind that one normally sees on large, satisfied cats after a stint at the cream jug.

And there was Sanzo, who refused to look at anyone of them but merely sat there (rather gingerly), radiating an accusatory silence.

And so we have come to another day's end, another stopover at another anonymous motel along the way to the West . . . where we find the bottomless-pit--I mean Goku--and Gojyo arguing over the last egg roll and Hakkai feeding Hakuryuu/Jiipu while smiling benignly at their antics.

And Sanzo, wincing despite himself every time he sat down or got up from a chair. Then simply glaring at his erstwhile travelling companions for long stretches of time.

"I have just the thing," Hakkai said brightly, holding up a donut-shaped inflatable cushion that most people would recognise as a clinically-prescribed device for alleviating discomfort when one had a bad case of haemorrhoids . . . or other problems like what Sanzo had at the moment.

Muttering curses under his breath, Sanzo snatched the cushion and stalked stiffly to his room, bolting the door loudly behind him.

"Where did you get that thing from?" Gojyo asked idly through a haze of cigarette smoke.

"Oh, Nurse Hannah most kindly got it for me in exchange for the centrefold of the Violent Violet-Eyed Bishounen Society Monthly. It was Nuriko in drag."

Meanwhile, Sanzo was drafting out an article to send to the Violent Violet-Eyed Bishounen Society Monthly entitled "Dammit Why Do We Have To Be Uke All The Time?"

He shifted a bit on the cushion and started writing. (It smarted a lot, but it had come down to the choice of either Hakaki or that awful Grand Vizier woman welding that bloody paddle . . . He should have paid more attention to the noises from the other room whenever Hakkai and Gojyo got into the mood to start testing the durability of hotel room furnishings . . .)

* * * * * * * * * *

Hakkai looked over at Gojyo when Goku was safely out of the way and asked, "So, did you save a few of those Polaroids?"

"But of course," Gojyo said with smirk. He whipped out a bunch of photos and handed them to Hakkai. "Can't let those women have all the fun . . ."

"Oh, I like this one . . ."

"Yeah--he's so cute when he's blushing like that. That one's my favourite."

"Maa, maa, what an interesting position . . ."

"You've got to turn it sixty degrees to the right first . . ."

"Ah . . ."

"Wanna try recreating that scene again?"

"Oh, with the apron? Or perhaps the nurse uniform I persuaded Nurse Hannah to give me?"

"Hakkai, you're evil . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

Gary the paper deliveryman pushed his bike over yet another sand dune. He was seriously considering a career re-evaluation at this point. This job sucked. Honestly, it did . . . At the end of it all, after he sent his ungrateful sprog to college and bought ski-holidays for the missus, there would be precious little left for beer on Saturdays and his retirement nest egg . . .

He was interrupted from his bout of self-pity when he saw the shadows on the sand.

Ah, there they were. Regular as clockwork.

Gary got up and waved his cap to attract the attention of the flyers overhead.

"Here y'go." Gary handed over another member's issue of The Violent Violet-Eyed Bishounen Society Monthly along with The Demonic Daily to Kougaji when the flying dragons had landed.

"Thanks," said the youkai prince. "It's a lot less boring on these long flights when one has something to read. Hmm--Aya's written something about his sword forms again. That guy and his sword fetish . . . But it's better than that thing he's got for his sister," he commented to Dokugakji--who was more interested in the centrefold. " Oh, by the way--Gary, right? Did those other guys pass by this way?"

"Yep. You're headed in the right direction. Just avoid that city up ahead."

"Here's something for your trouble," Kougaji said, flipping him a large coin.

"Thanks a lot, guv!"

"See you then, Gary."

"Ta, your Princeship!" Now that was *real* class. A customer who tipped (generously) and actually remembered names was rare . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, in the capital of Onnaland . . .

The Polaroids had been nice and all, but they needed something new. So the Empress had hired some artists to do original pictures involving new and more, um, varied scenarios.

The artists dribbled for a while over the Polaroids, then dashed off a number of highly sought after posters once the nosebleeds subsided. Then one of them thought about making up little stories in comic form. Those were an instant hit and the demand skyrocketed. Due to the royally appointed deadlines (that were, in fact, a life and death sort of matter), the artists had to do everything in ink to save time on colouring.

The Empress had dibs on the first editions of each print run, of course.

"Commission those artists to do more of them. And publish them locally," she said to the Grand Vizier during a trade and economics meeting. (Trade and economics had never been so interesting before . . .) "No doubt it would benefit the printing industry immensely and it wouldn't do to keep all of these um . . . interesting pictures to ourselves."

"At once, Your Majesty. You are wise and generous."

They went back to reading--um, ogling--for a while.

"Vizier?"

The leather-clad woman tore her gaze forcibly away from a particularly . . . um, *interesting* scenario involving handcuffs and a, uh, battery-powered toy. "Majesty?"

"I do not get this particular panel. The position is very . . . um . . ."

"Majesty, try turning it eighty degrees to the left," the Grand Vizier said, daintily mopping at her lip with a leatherette hanky.

The Empress did so and after a moment or two, she said, "Ahh, I see . . ." A thoughtful pause ensued. "Is that really anatomically possibly?"

"Who knows? They're young--they might bend really well."

They went back to their thoughtful perusal of the inspired works of the now royally commissioned doujinshi artists. After all, it could become a highly viable source of national income . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

In the end . . .

Gojyo and Hakkai broke the bed in their room again, much to Sanzo's annoyance.

The Sanzo-ikkou were banned from the city by the Health Authorities who declared them a health hazard. The city's blood banks were running low in the week that followed the Sanzo-ikkou's visit.

Nurse Hannah set out to make use for the genetic material she had collected and was named Director of the new Royal Cloning Facility. As the world has not ended yet, it can safely concluded that they never managed to come up with exact duplicates of the Sanzo-ikkou. However, it does provide a plot-hole from which all clones of the Sanzo-ikkou can hop out from.

Sanzo's article was published in the May issue of The Violent Violet-Eyed Bishounen Society Monthly, sparking off a great deal of debate amongst readers. However, it is doubtful that any semes took it seriously.

Goku still does not know if food is better than sex.

Jiipu is still the cutest.

Gary the paper deliveryman still continues to supply the Sanzo-ikkou with newspapers (as well as Hakkai's monthly subscription of You & Your Dragon) and Sanzo (aka "that stingy bastard") still does not tip.

The journey goes on . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

Credits:

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) is by ABBA. More specifically, the lyrics were by B. Andersson and B. Ulvæus--you know, the two guys in ABBA.

The "Sith Lords Kick Ass" t-shirt is from the Sith Academy--. (It kicks ass.)

Terry Pratchett references from "Sourcery" by Terry Pratchett.

Note-type thingies:

Again, it's not a really original idea to begin with. To spread the blame around:

1) In Wu Cheng'en's "Xi You Ji"/"Journey to the West", after the whole Motherhood River fiasco in Chapter Fifty-Three, the pilgrims enter the capital of the Womanland of Western Liang in the next chapter. There are *no* men at all (so the predictable happens when our intrepid male travellers show up) and the queen becomes smitten with the Sanzo/Sanzang character (due to the fact that he was the adopted brother of the Tang Emperor and not too bad looking according to the novel despite the fact that he was forty-ish or fifty-ish). A royal wedding is prepared in order to pacify the queen and get the other three out with the passport. The priest eventually gets rescued from royal matrimony with his "pure masculinity" intact. *tries very hard not to laugh*

2) Saiyuki and associated bishounen belong to Kazuya Minekura, respective publishers and whatnot. As do their unbuttoned jeans and enviable waist measurements, damn it all.

* * * * * * * * * *

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