The Wonderful World of Saiyuki by Elvaron

Index

Chapter 1: Part I
Chapter 2: Part II
Chapter 3: Part III
Chapter 4: Part IV

Chapter 1: Part I

The Wonderful World of Saiyuki
or The little wacky things in Saiyuki that you'll never find in the real world.
by sf

Started : Jan 12, 2002
Status : Complete

Summary - A commentary on the little wacky things in Saiyuki that you'll never find in the real world. Based on both the anime and the manga. Background knowledge of Saiyuki advised.

Notes - WARNING: This is a plotless humor commentary. If you're looking for a story, go away. If you're looking for action, high-adventure and youkai slaughter, go away. If you can't bear *any* slight to Saiyuki, however well-intentioned, go away. Background knowledge of Saiyuki (Anime: Ep 1-26, Manga: Bk 1-8 or at least part of that) and a sense of humor is a MUST. Heavy concentrations of geek-factor and sarcasm ahead.

This is done in Goku's PoV, if you were interested.

Part I : On the Weather, Hair, Spandex Space and Clothing

The Moon is full.

In fact, the moon is *always* full. It had been full, five hundred and eighteen years ago, when I was born and first looked up into the sky. It had been full, ten years ago, on the very day that a much younger Sanzo (Kouryuu, to use the name he had then) had been daydreaming (or nightdreaming) by a conveniently situated window, with the moon hanging bright and full just beyond it. Whoops. I'm not supposed to know that, right?

Well, occasionally, it becomes this really beautiful but totally impossible cresent, just for a change. But otherwise, it's full, like in Episodes 2, 5, 13, 18, 19 and goodness knows where else. Amazing, since we haven't travelled long enough in that time frame for the moon to wax and wane so fast. Like the opening sequence. It shows four phases of the moon in the same scene - just-a-sliver, not-so-full, full, and full again. That is one overworked moon.

Still, nothing beats the feeling of looking up into the cloudy sky on a rainy night (read- the thundery, poury, souking kind of rainy night), and seeing the moon blazing through the darkness, its brilliant surface unobscured by any wisp of cloud. Breath-taking. I'd trade that for the real world anytime.

Overall, China's a beautiful place. The multi-colored sunsets are dazzling to behold, and they last a good, long while. Mornings are great too, since we must have the fastest dawns in the world. The sun rises in a matter of seconds, something it doesn't do anywhere else, even on the equator. But that's geography for you.

It's one of those mornings again, where the sun has risen at the most dramatic moment, in the most dramatic way possible. The weather forecast for today? Clean, clear, blue skies for the whole day, and heavy rain all night. Of course, it never rains in the day, but if we're especially unlucky, we might run into some heavy fog in the middle of the afternoon. Especially if Chin Isou is around. And that would really piss Sanzo off.

Speaking of Sanzo...

Sanzo's having a bad-hair day, which probably means that I should stay out of his way. No, I don't mean that his hair is ruffled or anything-- nevermind that he's just woken up. None of us have that kind of problem. Ducktails and combs are things that happen to someone else. Nevermind how many fights we go through, our hair never *ever* gets ruffled. And have you seen Kougaiji's hair? It flies when there's no wind around, and stays neatly in three strands. Now is that cool or what?

But back to Sanzo. His hair is doing that switching thing again - where his parting changes from the right side of his head to the left to the right from one frame-- I mean, from one *second* to the next. It's like our weapons. One moment Nyoibou's in my left hand; the next, it's in my right. It gets confusing, I grant you. I guess that's why we're all ambidextrous.

Gojyo's hair has its own eccentricities as well. It ties itself up into a pony tail and unties itself as fast as Sanzo's parting switches sides, and it never *ever* gets in his face. You'd think that all that long hair would knot up, fall into soup, or at least require a huge amount of conditioner and shampoo ... but it doesn't. I guess that Babe-Magnet Hair doesn't conform to the norm.

A quick break here -- I need to recharge..

"Ne, Sanzo, I'm hunnnnnnnnngrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!"

"URUSAI!"

"But I'm starving!"

Oh no, here goes...

*THUMP**THUMP**THWACK*

HONESTLY, I don't know where he keeps that fan! Sanzo has the most amount of spandex space of ANY of us. Oh, spandex space is .. um.. space in your spandex. It's that illusive place in Thin Air where things can disappear into and reappear as necessary, leaving our hands free. Gojyo uses his to keep his weapon (and all those extra lengths of chain), his cigarettes, and all those extra cards that he carries around (his decks always have more than 52 cards, after all). Hakkai uses his to store ... goodness knows what Hakkai stores! All I know is after a long shopping trip, all the bags mysteriously disappear *somewhere*, and *I* don't lay hands on them! Then there's Hakuryuu. His spandex space is a little different, but I guess he stores his jeep form in there. There's a lot more jeep than dragon, after all.

As for me, my spandex space has this bad tendency to malfunction. I can chuck Nyoibou in there and pull it out whenever I want, but when there are stupid things like satchels (Big, HEAVY satchels) to carry, I can't seem to get it to work!

Still, Sanzo's spandex space beats all of ours. Most people think that he stores his gun and whatnot up his sleeves - but get this - he *ALWAYS* has his fan and gun and sutras on stand-by, even when his robe is off and his sleeves are inaccessible. ESPECIALLY the fan. Personally, I think that he just stores an extra dimension or two up those sleeves - they ARE big enough, after all. Looking at the amount of stuff he stuffs into his spandex space, he'll need all the space he can get -

Diadem, Gun, Fan (and extras), Gold Card, Paintbrush and Paper, Spectacles, Newspapers, Cigarettes, Lighters, Beer Cans, lots and lots and LOTS of bullets, and not to mention ALL that extra length of sutra that sure doesn't fit around his shoulders! His diadem has its own perks as well - the white cloth that accompanies it disappears and reappears as necessary. There's no explanation for that but spandex space.

The sutras are in a class of their own. Not only do they roll nicely into a scroll, they unwind really fast and disappear even faster. My bet is that the sutras Sanzo wears around his shoulders are really fakes - there's no way those things could be rolled up, and the writing on them is vertical, while the writing on the sutras that he actually *uses* is horizontal.

*THWACK*

"ITAI! What was that for?!"

"Hn."

Why is Hakkai stopping? Are we there yet?

Oh. Youkai. Amazing how there's this never-ending supply of them...

"NYOIBOU!!!"

Cool, Nyoibou always has these nice blue flashing lights that appear with it...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There sure are a lot of them today... There goes Hakuryuu, doing his amazing disappearing act. He'll reappear, right on cue, after the fight ends. That's one dragon that knows how to look after himself!

Gee, I hope no one gets hurt this round. Sanzo gets *really*, I mean *REALLY* bitchy when he gets injured (take Devastation, Ep 22 / Bk 6). I wish we were as tough as our clothes. No matter how much abuse we take, we can always rely on our clothes to be in perfect condition afterwards - undamaged, clean, and as good as new. They don't even fade. That's a great thing, since we didn't bring a set to change into.

Bang Bang Bang - there goes Sanzo's gun, firing like a semi-automatic, rather than the revolver that it's supposed to be. That must be why it's the only gun that can kill youkai.

And Gojyo's self-cleaning shaku jou - never any blood on it. Not that Nyoibou gets blood on it either. Not even after I plunge it straight through some great-big-youkai, like that spider-demon..

Speaking of which, there are youkai to kill...

[Interlude - sounds of fighting in the background]

Perfect. The characteristic flash as the dying youkai metamorphosizes into a lot of black dots and vanishes. If I just wait a little while, his blood-stained corpse will appear on the ground...

There it is. You always know that you've done your job well when they explode and reappear as a corpse. If they don't explode, chances are that they aren't dead.

Beats me why there are corpses, though, if they explode...

One of life's little mysteries, I guess. If I ask Sanzo about it, he'll just tell me to shut up. And Gojyo will find some way to turn it into an insult. I swear, I don't know where all those insults of his come from... spandex space?!

"OI! Why are you standing around and staring, bakazaru? Waiting to be left behind?"

"Who're you calling a bakazaru, you ero-kappa?!"

"You, you dumbass ape!"

"Yeah, cockroach-kappa?"

"BAKAZARU!!"

"ERO-KAPPA!!"

"URUSAI!!"

*THUMP* *THUMP*

"ITAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIi!!!!!!"

That fan's supposed to be made of *paper*! It's not supposed to be hard enough to kill!

[A little later...]

"Hakkai, are we *there* yet?"

"In a little while. Be patient, Goku."

Whoops, one of Sanzo's veins is starting to pop out. Did I ask that many times? It's only been the tenth time or so this past half hour... Oh well, tact was never one of my strong points. Fortunately, the strength of my head makes up for it. If it was any weaker, Sanzo would probably shatter my skull with that fan of his.

I'll have to proceed with some caution here... "Ne, Sanzo--"

*CLICK*. "No Food."

Oh nonono, he's *really* pissed. One of his gloves/arm-warmers/things-that-he-wears-on-his-lower-arms (no one can decide what to call them) has disappeared again. It's probably just a little forgetfulness on the artist's part-- I mean, a distortion of spandex space or something-- and it'll probably re-appear in a moment, but it's still enough to send Sanzo into a dangerously bad mood.

And Hakkai's still smiling! Does he think it's funny to have a trigger-happy priest sitting in the same jeep as him?! Oh wait, it's not *his* ass on the line..

Ahhh!!! I'm *starving*!!!

--

And so endeth Part I. My original intention was to keep this as a one-part-once-off fiction. After it passed the one thousand word mark, I realized that wasn't going to happen. And then I realized that reading the whole thing at one shot might be too much. So I broke it up into parts. Goku needs to take time off to eat, after all.

Everything written in this fic has been observed in either the manga or the anime at one point or another. Even the disappearing gloves. That is strictly from the anime, though, namely Episodes 1 and 4. As for the rest, I'll let you look out for them yourself ^_^.

Go on reading, part II's here!

Copyright, sf, 2002.

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Chapter 2: Part II

The Wonderful World of Saiyuki - part II of goodness knows...
~ sf

Preface:

By now, you've figured out that this is *supposed* to be in Goku's PoV, but the frequent slip-ups suggest a deeper conspiracy behind it... Besides, Goku doesn't .. think this much .. normally..

If you were wondering, I'm not going to comment on things that are obviously meant to be out of place - like the presence of jeeps and credit cards back in the Good Old Days. I'm also going to avoid topics that would push this fiction into a PG-13 rating, like Hakkai's self-regenerating eyeball and suchlike. Which is part of the reason why I ended up dropping the idea of writing part II in Gojyo's PoV ^_^. Just kidding.

If not for all those youkai and Sanzo's fan and Gojyo's annoying habit of stealing my food, this would be a wonderful trip. There are no mosquitoes, no flies, no pests, unless they come in youkai form. Then, no matter how hot the sun is, we can travel all day without any fear of sun burn or even tan lines. In fact, no matter how easily asian skin tans, Hakkai and Sanzo never grow any darker. Especially Sanzo. You'd think that he spent all day in the deepest recesses of a temple, seeing how pale he is. It must be some priestly thing.

*THWACK*

"What was that for, you crazy monk?!"

"You have a weird look on your face. It can't be good."

Wahhh~ *sweatdrop*

On the otherhand, look at Kougaiji. You'd think that he doesn't get out all that often, being stuck up in that dark palace-thingy where the weather's always rotten (wait... I'm not supposed to know that... *sweatdrop*). Yet he looks like he spends all his days sunbathing. Strange, isn't it?

"Hakkai, are we THERE yet?"

"No, no, a little while more.."

I've always wondered why Hakkai needs to *drive* Hakuryuu. I mean, it's not as if he loses his sentience when in jeep form. Can't Hakkai just tell him where to go and let him drive himself? Maybe I should ask..

"Hakkai--"

"Bakazaru, you just asked that a second ago!"

Gojyo... "You stupid ero-kappa! Don't make assumptions! I wasn't going to ask about that!"

Even Sanzo, half-turned to deliver the usual death-glare, looks surprised. I can't stop the smirk from rising to my face.

"And to the only other question you ask, there isn't any food, since you ate it all, dumbass ape!"

"I told you not to make assumptions, you lousy kappa! I wasn't going to ask that EITHER!"

"Oh yeah? You actually think about anything else long enough--"

I swing a fist at him. "I'll kick you!"

"Punch, not kick, stupid monkey. And I'll punch you back!"

"And I'll punch you back again!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST DROP DEAD?!" *THUMP* *THWACK* *THUMP*

Ahhhhhh~~, that HURTS!

One last try... "Hakkai--"

"NO, we aren't there yet, and NO, there isn't any food!"

"I wasn't asking you, mister bald monk!"

*CLICK* "Shut up or die."

Okay, okay, I get the hint... so much for that..

[Later that evening...]

My, it's a relief to have a good dinner inside you, and a bed and a room to yourself for once! I don't have to deal with Gojyo for one night, and I'm .. mm.. full for a change. Sanzo's card is blessing in itself. I guess the power of the Sanzo title stems from having Heaven pay your bills for you.

I pull off my shoes and drop into bed, staring at the ceiling. Gojyo, Hakkai and I all wear shoes - or Gojyo wears these really stupid looking boots.. but Sanzo wears slippers. And likes them. It's amazing what his slippers can do. They don't ever wear out, and he can walk in them for hours and hours and days and days and never suffer from sore feet. Just what kind of slippers are they, anyway? They don't fall off when he fights, they deliver a mean kick, and he can run around and even climb onto rooftops in them.

And he wears them to bed. Take that time in Ep 2 where we were attacked by the spider youkai. There's absolutely no way he could have put them on between the time he leapt out of bed and kicked the attacking youkai. No way at all.

Amazing...

Ahh, I'm hungry again. Perhaps if I go to the kitchen and ask nicely, they'll give me something.

Funny how the universal language seems to be Japanese, nevermind that we're in China and that we're heading further and further west (that's *away* from Japan for those of you who don't know your geography). The inhabitants of little towns in the middle of the desert speak perfect Japanese. The youkai speak Japanese. They probably speak Japanese in Heaven too.

Moral of the story? Forget about translators. Just speak Japanese.

If not, a loaded gun speaks volumes (for Sanzo, at least).

Then there's sign language. Everyone knows what a middle finger--

[This part has been edited out to keep the content within the 'G' rating ^_^]

--And I'm hungry. Let's see about that food..

You know, someone once asked me how I manage to change into my usual outfit so fast. I don't understand what they're surprised about. The rest change as fast as I do -- which is to say, in 2 seconds. What do you expect us to do? Waste valuable time changing, when I could spend those extra seconds eating? No thanks. If I got to the breakfast table just a second later, Gojyo would have finished everything. Let's not even talk about wasting time when Sanzo's in a hurry..

And I don't get what all the hurry's about. I mean, if they need all the sutras for the resurrection, and Sanzo has the Maten-Kyomen, they'll have to wait until he gets there before anything can be done, anyway. Of course, Kougaiji pops in once in a while to say 'Hi' and try and take the sutras, but up till now, he hasn't succeeded, so there really isn't any reason to hurry, is there?

It's probably because Sanzo wants to get this pain in the ass mission over and done with..

There's a light under Hakkai's door. He's probably reading again.

There's a light under Gojyo's door. I don't want to know what he's doing.

Glancing under Sanzo's door might invite unnecessary trouble, so I'm not about to.

Am I the only one with nothing to occupy my time with? Oh, right. Food's my occupation, and a good one at that.

A scuffle at the door. Youkai...?

"NYOIBOU!!!"

I slam the door open, Nyoibou at the ready to kick some youkai butt...

"Whuh!?!

[Crunch as Goku skitters to a halt]

"Just delivering today's papers... I'll... be on my way now..."

Ow. That was embarrassing.

I pick up the bundle of newspapers that have been deposited in a heap on the doorstep and leave them on the table. Behind, the newspaper boy is running for dear life. Did I look that scary?

Sighing, I pop Nyoibou back into spandex space and glance idly at the headlines. There's never anything interesting in the papers. And they never interview us! I mean, we must be the highlight of the century... we're out to make history, and they never interview us! Is that unfair or what?

And I've never seen the news crew around. If there're papers, where are the reporters? The journalists? The camera men?

And why does Sanzo read the papers, anyway? He's a monk! They're not supposed to concern themselves with the outside world!

[The full force of a Sanzo Death Glare [TM] hits Goku from the back, causing him to collapse into a heap on the floor]

"Ne, Sannnnnn*zo*!!!"

"Baka," comes the muttered response, as Sanzo picks up the papers and heads off.

There's a smirk from behind. I spin, glaring.

"Idiot monkey," Gojyo sniggers. "Stop whining like a 5 year old brat."

"I'm not whining! And I'm not 5 years old!"

"Well, then act your age!"

"Yeah, and you think you're so hot just because you're twenty-two? Old man!"

Hell, I'm eighteen? I don't feel eighteen. What's eighteen supposed to be like, anyway? There's no operations manual for eighteen-year-olds that say : Do this, do that, beat up the idiot kappa, etcetc. Sometimes, I think that I got caught in a temporal time warp. I mean, the rest are just 4, 5 years older, and they act like they've been hanging around for ages. I'm the one who's been hanging around for centuries! I'm five hundred and eighteen!

"If I'm old, then what is Sanzo? Ancient?" comes the insolent reply.

"Die," a new voice pronounces coldly. Two gunshots split the air.

A little bit of plaster flakes and falls from the wall behind Gojyo's head, as he gulps and dives for cover. The paper fan hits the door just as it slams shut behind the kappa. Sanzo snarls and puts a couple of bullets through it (the door, not the fan) for good measure, and is rewarded by a startled yelp.

The smirk is wiped off my face as Sanzo turns the Death Glare back on me.

"And what the hell are you doing up at this hour, bakazaru?"

"I..." there's a curious shifting sensation, and suddenly, my perspective starts changing. Oh blast, I'm shrinking again! Every now and then, my height drops from 163cm to maybe 140+... I'm supposed to be at Sanzo's neck level and suddenly...

... I'm below his shoulders.

If I sit down (in a normal chair) right now, my feet won't touch the floor.

I hate it when that happens...!!!

"Do calm down." Hakkai appears at the top of the stairs, looking rather worried. "Sanzo..."

"Hmph." Sanzo turns and storms off.

There's a 'pop' feeling and a rush of air, and I'm back to my normal height. Thank you, Hakkai!

--

A rather abrupt ending, but you can hope for more...

Unfortunately, Part II took *much* longer than expected since I ran out of things to talk about. I also took a bump on the head that gave me headaches for two days. I'm getting old~~...

Goku: Whaddya mean *you're* getting old?! I'm five hundred years older than you!

~ sf, 2002.

Disclaimer : Of course I don't own Saiyuki. I just enjoy staring at it and picking out little things like these...

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Chapter 3: Part III

The Wonderful World of Saiyuki, Part III of ... er... any integer that is more than or equal to 3.
~ sf

Preface :
By now, you must have figured out that we're only using Goku as a cover. There's no way that Goku would think about so much in the span of a day.

But using Goku's PoV is useful - he's naturally inquisitive and he doesn't know very much.

Goku: Huh? What?

Besides, using the other's PoVs would be more difficult - Hakkai's too smart, Gojyo's too cynical, and Sanzo is both of those and would probably shoot me on top of it, so I'll stick to Goku.

Sanzo: *shoots any way*

*sf dives for cover*. So to continue where we left off...

"Hakkai..."

"Yes?"

"I've always wondered... how do you drive if your eyes are shut?"

"My eyes are shut...?" Hakkai scratches his head and looks confused.

"You know.. you always have that smile on your face, and your eyes shut... it's a bit worrying when you drive, you know."

Hakkai looks discomforted. "I.. uh... I guess..."

"Oh ho! You're not really driving, right? Hakuryuu's driving himself! You're just pretending to drive!"

Hmph. I never thought that Hakkai would pull something like that on us. I mean, I always thought of Hakkai as the--

Wait a minute, this is 'You can't tell what's behind my smile' Hakkai we're talking about? I should have known better...

"And that's why Hakuryuu has only one pedal for acceleration and braking! I *knew* that normal jeeps need two!"

Hakkai's smile becomes a little strained. "Um.."

"Kyu?" Hakuryuu perks up and gives me an odd look. Then launches off Hakkai's shoulder to hover in the air.

It must be a good day, because Hakuryuu's staying aloft *without* flapping his wings (and we're indoors, so there isn't a breath of wind to help him.) He doesn't do that all the time, but when he does, it's just *freaky*.

"Yeah, so why *do* you keep up this pretense?" I ask Hakkai, trying to divert my mind (and eyes) away from the levitating dragon.

"I still have to read the maps and give directions," Hakkai improvises hastily.

Speaking of maps..

"Where do you get maps from? Considering that there aren't many cars ... or ANY cars around, it's amazing how we can get maps ... ROAD maps, even for the most remote foothills."

"Spandex space," Hakkai replies, unfazed.

"Wha--?"

"That's right. Every now and then, I reach into my spandex space, and if we're lucky, presto! We have a map. It works like Sanzo's newspapers, except that his spandex space doesn't dare to malfunction. Of course that means that when Sanzo wants a map, his spandex space is always happy to oblige him."

All this is starting to get a bit confusing, so I'll just listen to that inner voice that's been clamoring for attention for some time now...

"What's a presto, and is it good to eat?"

[The next day]

"We go!"

"Without breakfast?!"

"We don't have time for breakfast."

Of course not. Sanzo doesn't *eat*. Well, maybe he does, once a week, or something, but other times, he just drinks. Beer, for preference, although he'll imbibe anything that has alcohol in it, short of lens cleaner. And when he's pissed off, he misses entire meals. Scary, scary, scary. He must have a stomach of steel.

Still, since it means extra food for me, I'm not complaining.

Gripe : Hakuryuu shouldn't require food! He spends more than half his time as a jeep, and should therefore run on fuel, High Octane or whatever..!

"But there aren't any gas stations around, Goku."

[Goku jumps a foot into the air].

"Hakkai! Don't do that!"

"Do what?"

"Read my mind!"

"Oh.." a slightly embarrassed grin. "Well, but you think so loudly.."

"It's not like you eat much either."

"Hm?"

Yes, Hakkai can subsist on sake, if it's available in sufficient quantities. Not to the extent that Sanzo survives solely on beer and cigarettes, but still to a large extent. But as I said, I'm not complaining..

And while we're on habits, consider the fact that, to Sanzo, sleep is an optional extra. He can spend the *entire* night just sitting up and scowling at the window when it rains, instead of just sleeping it off, like any sane and rational person would do. No, he has to sit on the conveniently present window sill and spend the entire night watching the rain. He can wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep again. And you'd think that all that travelling would tire him out..

Sometimes, I think that the only time he actually sleeps is when someone forcibly knocks him out.

"GOKU! DO YOU WANT TO GET LEFT BEHIND?!"

"Eep!"

[Goku leaps into Jiipu just as Hakkai hits the accelerator. And promptly falls out again.]

"Hakkai! You've left the bakazaru behind again!" Gojyo calls.

"OY! HAKKAI! You did that on purpose, didn't you?!"

"Next time, hurry the &$%@ up," Sanzo snarls.

"Yes... Sanzo-sama.."

[Sometime later...]

Sanzo glances up. "Youkai ahead."

Ah, and the Sanzo-youkai radar's never wrong..

[Just round the bend, a youkai roadblock emerges]

"You certainly took your time," the youkai leader calls.

Damn, am I tired of that line or what? "Yeah, who said that we have to follow your schedule? Who said that we have a schedule, anyway? This is a free-and-easy trip, not some half-baked package tour!"

[Bemused looks all round].

"In fact, since I skipped breakfast just to be on time to catch you lot, you'd better make it up to me!"

Leaping out Hakuryuu, I summon Nyoibou with one hand, flick it around several times to show off the great animation-- I mean, my great staff-wielding skills, and charge the entire roadblock.

"Quick head count.. we're outnumbered 10 to 1," Hakkai says from somewhere behind. "Not bad odds, considering."

"They could do a lot better than that," Gojyo smirks.

"Just shut up and start clearing the way, will you?" Sanzo snaps.

[Sounds of a major fight, interspersed by gunshots, ensue]

"Sanzo, you might like to extend your magazine," I tell him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sanzo snaps, as he fires 12 rounds from his 5 bullet magazine.

[Goku blinks, looking confused.]

"Eh... I dunno, what did I just say?"

"Ch'," Sanzo swears, and reloads his gun. All the youkai stand at a respectful distance while he does it, none of them daring to attack while the Great Gun Reload sequence takes place.

"Goku! Watch out!"

"Argh!"

Distracted by the odd voices in my head, I miss a youkai coming up from behind...

..Ow ow ow.. that's gotta hurt! Nothing hurts like youkai claws right across your jugular..

A gunshot erupts with a nerve-jangling bang.

Abruptly, the youkai who sneaked up behind me falls in a spray of blood from a single bullet, then vanishes to conserve RAM on the-- I mean, just.. disappears, k?! Argh!

Hakkai-the-field-medic rushes over. "Goku, are you okay?"

"Yes.. yes, I am." The blood clots at the speed of thought. When all this is over, I won't even have a scar. No point in being a hero if you don't have remarkable regenerative powers, ne?

"Well, that's the last of them," Gojyo called. "How many did you guys get?"

"10 exactly," Hakkai replies.

"Hey, I only got 9!" I cry, furious at being cheated of my one youkai.

"That's because you let him get you before you got him," Sanzo points out.

"You stole one of mine!"

"Well, you can have him back, in triplicate, the next time." Sanzo reloads, snaps the magazine back into place, and does the usual Stare-off-into-the-West pose that he always assumes after any major fight.

"Let's go."

--

Special thanks to Shirin for the blood-clotting idea, which offshooted into the 'regenerative capabilities idea'.

Did you know that the moon is *also* full in Requiem, the movie? They even make special mention of it. ^^

I've also figured out the mystery that is Sanzo's hair. His fringe points in whichever direction he's facing. If it's a side shot of the left side of his face, that forelock will be pointing towards you - ie : towards the left, and his parting will be on the right. Ditto if it's a frontal shot and he's glancing off to the left / right. If he's looking straight at the camera, it's a 50-50 chance. *beams*.

The way that that forelock stays up without getting flattened is a mystery in itself. It probably has something to do with the fact that his parting keeps changing side, so the hair doesn't have time to get used to one direction (which would result in it flattening instead of standing nicely, the way it does now, since Sanzo doesn't exactly have steel-wool for hair, nor does he appear to use gel).

I'm still working on the Gojyo ponytail thing...

~sf, 2002.

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Chapter 4: Part IV

The Wonderful World of Saiyuki Part 4 of ...3

[It’s been.. wow, more than a year since I last updated this. At that time, I’d just watched Requiem and I still hadn’t watched the Second Season (or had I?). Now, I’ve almost forgotten the events in the Second Season and I had to re-watch Requiem to reacquaint myself. Time truly flies.]

[At any rate, the mode of writing has changed. Goku is less a commentor and more an observer now, and at some points, he decides to take an active role in the search for the Truth behind Saiyuki... unfortunately, I can’t explain any of these phenomena, and neither can Goku. But postulation is always possible.]

[Warning : Not remotely serious. Don’t trust any ‘explanation’ that I put forth.]

[Hajimemashou -- let’s begin.]

Imagine this -- Son Goku, the Great Sage under Heaven (Limited Edition), tearing out youkai’s throats left, right and center, moving like the wind.

Imagine this -- Son Goku, the Great Sage under Heaven (Limited Edition), having incurred the wrath of Genjo Sanzo, now forced to evade his wrath...

Imagine time slowing to a crawl, the air taking on the texture of glue. And me, pedalling in comical slow motion, arms flailing, as the Paper Fan of Doom descendeth...

*TWHACK*

"OW!"

[Goku goes flying, then flips back onto his feet.]

"What was that for?!"

"If you hit him any more, monk, we might have to report you to the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Monkeys," Gojyo says, laughing. All very well and good for him -- he’s not the one subject to abuse by the Paper Fan of Doom...

Sanzo refuses to reply. He stows the fan away in spandex space and resumes eating -- no, *drinking*.

Now there’s a mystery. I can evade anything, even a fanon Homura in heat [1], but I can’t evade the Paper Fan. Naturally, Sanzo absolutely refuses to divulge the secret behind the Fan, so I’ll probably have to steal it if I want to figure its secret out.

[1] Most of the time, that is. When I’m not being the fanon weepyuke!Goku...

"Goku, you’re rather quiet," Hakkai notes.

"I’m scheming."

"Oh, *really*," Gojyo says. "You can’t even put two thoughts together on a good day--"

"--oh yes I can."

"Prove it."

"The concept of a farm animal, and the concept of a food product. Pork plus bun becomes porkbun. So there." I stick out my tongue for good measure.

"That doesn’t count! Stupid ape!"

"Don’t start," Sanzo says threateningly. It sounds like the rumble of thunder on a distant hillside. No, make that a not-so-distant hillside. No, make that a very-near-hillside and a rapidly-approaching-thunderstorm. Unfortunately, Seiten Taisei Son Goku isn’t known for his survival instincts...

"I’m not a stupid ape! And I just proved it! I bet you can’t do any better!"

"Oh yeah? Well, crazy -- an adjective, and monk -- a noun... putting them together, you get--"

Sanzo riseth from Mount Olympus in wrath and smitheth the heathen. I take mental notes as to where he stows the Fan. Perfect. Now all I need to do is to procure a sleeping potion. The question is... where?

The waitress arrives to clear the dishes. I glance at her, and a light bulb goes off in the back of my head.

"Hey, Goku, your head’s glowing funny..."

"Shit, the damn ape is going to break his limiter again! Hakkai, jump on him!"

"Huh? What are-- hey!!!"

[Sounds of three people leaping on to one. Sounds of yaoi fangurls screaming in happiness and taking incriminating photos. The scene cuts to black as the censorship board flips out.]

***

I maintain -- I *strongly* maintain -- that events in the previous scene were completely innocent and suited to a PG-13 fic. I urge you to ignore the fact that the fanfic author is smirking and that it has suddenly become morning. We had a momentary time shift, that’s all.

I said, *that’s ALL*!

***

Breakfast rolls round in its usual manner, and several hawkers abruptly become very rich, very happy, and proceed to take a three month holiday as they’ve totally run out of food to sell. There’s got to be some impact on the economy from our gratuitous spending... something about disturbing the balance and inflation... but who cares about that, anyway? All I know is that a *lot* of people are very happy to see the Sanzo-ikkou, and I don’t think it’s entirely because we’re on this saving-the-world mission.

But down to business.

I need to contact Yaone and find out what she used to knock us out the last time. Unfortunately, Yaone’s a long, long way away, and for some *obscure* reason that probably has everything to do with a sadistic mangaka, *we* can’t teleport while every other youkai in Tenjiku can.

So, being terribly short of resources, I’m forced to rely on a Convenient Plot Twist, jumping down a Convenient Blackhole to emerge in Tenjiku. Thereupon, I use the Fanfic-Mode-of-Invisibility [2] to sneak past all the guards, and wander into Yaone’s room.

[2] Strangely, this seems to happen all the time in Fanfic Land, and not just here...

"Yaone?" I ask, popping out of nowhere.

And Yaone screams, because that’s the natural reaction to have when a strange male pops into your room unannounced...

I slam the door behind me and lock it. Belatedly, it occurs to me that that move does not typically inspire confidence.

"Hey, it’s me! Porkbun eating Goku who’s only interested in girls who can cook! Remember?" my frantic words cut through her screams, while I furiously negotiate with the fanfic author for another convenient Plot Device [3].

[3] This Device magically makes the walls impermeable to sound, thus allowing inconvenient things such as screams to escape notice.

"What are you doing here?" Yaone demands, politeness temporarily forsaken in favor of shock.

"I need a favor. Actually, I need two favors."

Yaone peers curiously at me. Her right hand sneaks towards the spear leaning against the wall.

"I need a sleeping potion," I gulp out, before further misunderstanding can be construed.

"Oh." Yaone relaxes a little, but she hasn’t let go of the bomb she’s clutching behind her back. "Whatever for?"

"Just a little bit to knock Sanzo out so that I can.. er.."

"..Have your way with him? I have aphrodisiacs for that."

"No!" I backpedal furiously.

"Oh? Fanon Homura’s a regular customer. It helps him to keep up his stamina when chasing after Sanzo or you."

"I need to ascertain something. He’d never let me near enough to find out if he wasn’t passed out."

There is a long, uncomfortable silence. I run my last sentence through my head again. "I didn’t mean it that way."

"If you were wondering about his waist measurements, it *is* 56 centimeters," Yaone said, pulling out a copy of the ‘Jamming’ booklet that was released with the special edition of Saiyuki RELOAD #1. "Says here in the interview with Minekura sensei..."

"I was wondering about his Fan, actually."

"Oh." Yaone looks a little crestfallen. It might be a trick of the light, but I thought I saw a few volumes of Boy Love manga lining her shelves just there...

"I can’t help you there," Yaone replies, frowning. "In fact..." she pulls a large encyclopedia off the shelf. Several volumes of Bronze fall onto the floor and disappear into the gray haze. "...it isn’t recorded in canon. We did a little bit of research on the weapons that you guys carry, and we found almost nothing on Sanzo’s fan."

"Hang and blast it," I mutter.

"So what’s the other thing?"

"Oh... this was just a question from one of the reviewers. You know... the straps that keep up your outfit... er... what are they made of?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well... someone pointed out that they need to be pretty strong..." I can feel a blush coming on. Dang it. "...Practically metal."

Yaone’s expression has gone a little stony. "They *are* metal. Chain link, in fact."

"Oh. Thank you. But it really is a very nice outfit, you know."

The stony expression lifts somewhat. "You think so?"

"Yup. No one ever seems to notice that you have the same kind of sleeves that Sanzo does..."

"...because I don’t have a skin-tight black shirt to match," Yaone says sourly.

"Exactly. And now I’m just going to pop back into my little black hole before the rest notice I’m gone..."

"Oh, right. Take care."

"You too!"

[There is a whooshing sound -- think a toilet bowl flushing -- and Goku disappears from Tenjiku. He pops back out in an obscure inn along the way, and meets one fanfic author hurrying down the corridor.]

"What’s up?" I ask.

The fanfic author shoots me a look. "Just resetting the clock."

"Resetting the clock? But this is a TWT -- ‘Timeline, What Timeline?’ fic."

"Even TWT fics need to have the clock reset every now and then. Now go to bed."

"Kechi..." I toss out one of those random japanese words that don’t really belong in an English fic, and wander off. And pause. "Wait a minute... did I just meet a self-insert who told me to go to bed?"

***

The next day, we all find out what the fanfic author meant by ‘resetting the clock’.

Homura pops up during breakfast.

"You’re supposed to be dead!" I scream.

"Oh, really? But this is a fanfic -- worse, a TWT fanfic."

"Are you canon!Homura or fanon!Homura?" Sanzo asks suspiciously.

"Which one would you rather I be, *Konzen*?" Homura asks, sidling up to him. Sanzo’s hair parting begins switching side from frame to frame in agitation. Finally, he opts to take slightly less dignified but infinitely wiser course of action -- he pushes back the chair and bolts.

"Ah." Homura smiles in satistfaction. His green and gold eyes begin to switch color as well. He sets off in hot pursuit.

"Uh oh. I think I’d better go and make sure Sanzo’s okay..." I start to push back the chair, when the fanfic author pops out of nowhere.

"Wait a minute, Goku. There’s something you need to see," the fanfic author whispers, and disappears again.

"What?" I ask, looking around. At that moment, Shien and Zenon appear.

"Ah... just the person I was looking for," Hakkai says, greeting Shien. "I was wondering about my membership in the Characters-with-Eyes-Continually-Shut-Club. Do I still qualify...?" he taps at his monocle, causing his right eye to disappear.

"I am not certain," Shien says. "You might have to ask our chairman."

"Who’s the chairman now? I’m afraid I’ve been out of touch since the last election..."

"Koumyou Sanzo," Shien replies.

"Oh, but isn’t he dead?" Hakkai asks.

"Since when did that stop anyone?" Zenon replies. "But anyway, you’d probably do better in the One-Eyed-Character-Club. We got a couple more members from the latest issue of Saiyuki Gaiden, but it’s hush-hush for now because of spoilers and all that. But we’re really growing, man."

"Ah..." Hakkai taps his monocle again, causing his eye to reappear. Damn, but is that an *utterly* cool pair of-- er, I mean, *mono* shade, or what?

"I’m not certain if I qualify for that either," Hakkai shrugs. "It has not exactly been established whether I actually have this eye or not... or how it was restored, if I do."

"Damn. We could give you a provisional membership, though," Zenon says. "It’s not as if I’m *really* one-eyed, after all. Just visibly impaired, ha."

"Wait a minute, my friend," Shien says quietly. "I believe that the issue of his membership with the Characters-with-Eyes-Continually-Shut Club must first be--"

"--if you guys are going to drag your feet on it, we’re allowed to kick in," Zenon retorts.

"Well... let’s take a look at the benefits that both of you offer, shall we?" Hakkai asks, smiling.

"Okay, that’s it, I’m outta here," I announce loudly, and head for the door.

***

I find Homura cornering Sanzo at the edge of a tall cliff. The fanfic author pops up behind me again. "Do you like it? It serves no purpose other than dramatic effect ... and of course, it’s another Plot Device. But it took me one whole line to make it."

"Nice work," I begin to say, but the elusive author has vanished once more.

Sanzo, in the mean time, is communicating with the Powers-That-Be. "Oh fanfic author... *why do you hate me?!*"

"I don’t," the fanfic author says. "But I needed to show something."

"What?" Sanzo demands, but his word is lost as a strong wind promptly springs up.

Homura draws himself up. His cape billows madly in the wind, as does Sanzo’s robe. "Konzen!" the god calls, shouting to be heard over the sound of the fanfic author’s Prince of Tennis MP3s, "Hand over the sutras!"

"Why should I?" Sanzo demands.

"Because I want to find out how they manage to stay on your shoulders even when the wind is blowing!"

"The Hell?" Sanzo shouts back. "Just look at your own cape, you moron!"

"Yeah, it’s a long story!" Homura yells. "I thought I was the only one who knew the sacred art of Making-Sure-That-Impractical-Clothing-Stays-In-Place, then I found that all you miserable Sanzos have perfected it too! So I’ve been collecting all the sutras to find out how you do it down on earth with your primative technology!"

"It’s called velcro!" Sanzo hollers. "The first Sanzo climbed up some mountain or other and stole it from the gods! Since then we’ve been charged with protecting the five miserable strips that he pilfered ... until such a time that it can be replicated!"

"Oh, damn! And here I thought you’d actually come up with something original that worked!"

"Fat chance!"

"Then I’ll be going. Bye!" Homura shimmers and disappears.

Sanzo heaves a deep sigh of relief. Then, just for kickers, the fanfic author calls upon a blast of wind that sends him tumbling off the cliff. (Notice that, as he falls, the sutras stay firmly in place on his shoulders...)

[Goku rushes to the edge.]

"SANZOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

*** End Part 4 ***

And this is what we call a ‘cliff-hanger’ ^_^.

Sanzo : The Hell it is! It’s called a ‘cliff-fall-off-er’!

At any rate, I never expected to update this fic again. Ever. Unfortunately, I had all these people call ‘Reviewers’ popping up and leaving me suggestions, so I thought : Oh, you know, I might as well steal ideas from all of them and put up a new chapter. So I did.

Thanks are in order to :

Ghostwriter : For the whole speed issue behind the Paper Fan of Doom.

Desamir : For the question that Goku posed to Yaone. The strips are chain link. Really. I checked the manga.

Jashuang : For the Homura eye-switching

Ray_N and Laura : For whole Sanzo’s-sutras-always-staying-on-his-shoulders thing. The velcro idea, incidently, is entirely my own. Don’t believe a word of it.

? : For pointing out that Shien’s eyes are closed too..

--

--

Alright, that’s it... whee~

(Reading the Jamming booklet, I had the sudden feeling that fanfic writing is practically a job... oh gee.)

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