My Sun, My Supernova by Ditch Gospel

Index

Chapter 1: Sunstroke
Chapter 2: Warming Up
Chapter 3: Boiling Point
Chapter 4: Overflow
Chapter 5: Short Circuit
Chapter 6: Dark Light
Chapter 7: This is My Fire, So Let Me Burn
Chapter 8: Embrace of the Stars
Chapter 9: My Pain is Your Pain
Chapter 10: Lost in Orbit
Chapter 11: Release
Chapter 12: Perfection
Chapter 13: Unholy Sanctity
Chapter 14: Break My Empty Heart
Chapter 15: Rebirth
Chapter 16: Therapeutic Touch
Chapter 17: Poison For a Cure
Chapter 18: Rise and Shine, Fall and Fade
Chapter 19: Heaven on Earth
Chapter 20: Little Lost Monkey
Chapter 21: The Promise
Chapter 22: Burning
Chapter 23: Monkey Play
Chapter 24: Devotion Gone Mad
Chapter 25: Shadows
Chapter 26: West
Chapter 27: Give Me Wings
Chapter 28: And I Will Fly
Chapter 29: Transcendence
Chapter 30: Sweet Surrender
Chapter 31: End of the Road

Chapter 1: Sunstroke

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki in
any way whatsoever, nor do I make any profit off of this story.

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 1

Sunstroke

Sand in the boots, again.

Sanzo just grits his teeth in distaste and resists the urge to empty the
offending substance from his footwear. It would not do to let the other three
catch wind of his minor discomfort, after all. Besides, Hakkai has assured them
that it will only be another day's travel before they reach the village at the
edge of this forsaken wilderness of sand.

Upon Hakkai's insistence that Hakuryu be given a break, Sanzo has in his turn
insisted that they continue on foot, despite the sweltering heat. Technically,
this isn't a true desert, more like scrubland, but the seemingly endless expanse
of sand, the heat and the scarcity of any real shade are enough to make it feel
like a torture chamber after a week's trek.

Besides which, they have been making rather a forced march of it, on
Sanzo's order. He says it is his wish to make up for time lost after their final
encounter with Homura, and the added delay of allowing themselves to recuperate
before continuing west. However, Sanzo does seem especially adamant on putting
this desert between themselves and recent occurrences.

But the heat. Sanzo wonders irritably how Goku and Gojyo can keep at
it even in this temperature. After a time, their continual quarreling begins to
drone away into nothing more than a distant whine, a mere buzzing in his ears.
Sanzo is more troubled by other matters. He has been for some time now, and what
bothers him the most is that he can't quite pinpoint the reason behind this
unrest. Something to do with Homura, he thinks vaguely. Or, more accurately,
triggered by Homura.

He frowns, wracking his mind for answers that remain ever elusive, as a
distant mirage. He does not notice Hakkai's concerned glances, as the green-eyed
man attempts to read the monk's thoughts through the expression on his face.

The day wears on, relentless in its monotonous drudgery. The sun hangs high
in a tomb-still sky. Yet Sanzo's thoughts remain caught up in a storm of
confusion.

Homura...

Something he had said just before his death...

"Konzen... that time five hundred years ago... "

Trudging onward, one foot in front of the other, Sanzo broods silently. Why
should he put any significance at all into the ramblings of a dying creature,
god or otherwise? And yet, there is something...something
significant in those words. He feels almost certain of it. But what? What
does it have to do with him? Or Goku?

Goku.

Sanzo snorts dismissively, earning another glance from Hakkai's direction. He
has no intention of getting into that line of thought right now. But the
truth is he hasn't been able to get the troublesome creature out of his
mind since the recent events in Homura's castle.

There's always been a connection, a strange bond, between Goku and himself,
he knows this, can feel it, as clearly as he had heard the voice
that lured him into the mountains in search of its source. This bond is more
powerful than he would ever like to admit. But now, it has become almost a
physical presence in its intensity, and it disturbs him, for he knows not how to
deal with the disordered and unwelcome emotions that it seems to stir up inside
his cold and guarded heart.

The buzzing in Sanzo's ears continues, although his companions are, at the
moment, walking together in silence. He no longer feels the sand gritting in his
boots, and it's getting more difficult by the moment just to keep his head up
and eyes open let alone try to think coherently. The air feels devoid of oxygen, filled with nothing but stifling heat. His
breathing gradually becomes laboured as his pace begins to slow, causing the
others to follow suit. He becomes aware, through the haze in which he now finds
himself sinking, that Hakkai is saying something to him. Vacant violet eyes sluggishly turn towards the sound of the familiar voice.

Ah, so that's what he wants. Sanzo does not respond, turning his eyes towards
the sky instead. The sun is there, smiling maliciously down upon him, kissing
his skin with its smoldering light, embracing his body in its smothering
heat.

The sun...

Always the sun...

His vision doubles, and the sun splits into twin orbs of shining, golden
light. Deliriously, he finds himself thinking how impossible it is for two suns
to exist at once. The earth has only one sun, doesn't it?

Suddenly, everything goes black, and the burning brightness of the world
fades away into blessed darkness.

Sanzo collapses into the sand, and the last thing he hears before completely
losing consciousness is Goku's voice calling out his name...

XXX

When next Sanzo awakens, he finds himself lying on a bed in a cool, dark
room. He has been stripped down to his jeans, and someone has placed a damp cloth
on his forehead. The last thing he remembers is the sun, and Goku calling out to
him in concern. Somehow that combination seems very right. But, there had been
something wrong with the sun, hadn't there? Yes, there had been two of
them, two suns.

Confused, Sanzo blinks his eyes, trying to clear away the lingering haze in
his head. He feels much better now, but his head still aches beneath the remains
of fever. He sucks in a breath of the dry air, and lets it out slowly with a
hiss.

Sounds reach his ears, as village life drifts in softly through the open
window. He can even hear his companions somewhere nearby, arguing over something
good-naturedly. Probably about food, Sanzo thinks idly. Idiots.

So they have reached the village, then. How weak of him to succumb to the
effects of the heat when the village was so very near. He wonders briefly how
the others had dealt with bringing him into the village, but only briefly, for
he had not asked for their help, and it is therefore not his concern. But all
seems well now, even peaceful, so he allows himself this stolen moment to relax
and recover his heat-baked senses.

Soon, thirst and the craving for a smoke make him restless. A pitcher of
water left on the bedside stand eases one of his needs, and he soon finds his
cigarettes placed neatly with the rest of his belongings and freshly washed and
folded robe

Sanzo sits on the edge of the bed, slipping a cigarette between his lips. He
flicks the lighter into life and ignites the cancer stick, sucking the smoke
into his waiting lungs.

Ah, that feels much better.

Footsteps outside the room catch his attention, and Goku pops his way inside,
looking relieved and happy to see Sanzo up and about.

"Sanzo! You're up! They said you had heatstroke, but for us not to worry
because it wasn't too serious. You hungry? The food here is awesome! And
they're really nice! They don't have an inn, but this household is putting us
up! Man, you should have seen how excited they were to have a Sanzo under their
roof! It was hilarious! Oh, and... "

Sanzo begins to tune out Goku's incessant chatter. He notices the bowl of
food in Goku's hands, which the boy is obviously somewhat hesitant about
offering. Not surprising, he supposes, considering how he had reacted the last
time Goku had tried giving him an offering of food. It had been canned peaches
that time. For some reason, the sight of that cheery can lying rejected on the
floor seems burnt into his memory.

He notices also how tanned Goku's skin has become, from their continued
travels under the sun. His own pale complexion seems quite content to simply
burn, never darkening more than the slightest degree. And his hair, while Goku's
has become streaked with lighter highlights, has happily soaked up as much sun
as possible, bleaching into the fairest shade of blonde.

Not yet satisfied with their visual perusal, Sanzo's eyes take in the gleam
of Goku's golden irises, how they sparkle in the dim light of the room. He would
gladly call Goku a clumsy, childish, foolish monkey to his face, any day of the
week. But as he quietly observes the demon now, he knows this isn't true. Can
this boy really be the same creature he had rescued from the cave all that time
ago?

Sanzo, still not paying any attention to Goku's words, watches as he sets
the bowl down on the little stand. Why is Goku going on and on like this
anyway? Goku is often noisy, but not a chatter box like this. He almost
seems... nervous. And not just because of the food. Nervous?

Sanzo regards him curiously as he takes another long, deep drag from his
cigarette, then closes his eyes as he slowly releases the smoke from between
semi-parched lips. When the still slightly heat-hazed violets re-open, Goku has
finally shut up.

Watching Sanzo exhale the intake of smoke, Goku's breath catches,
mid-sentence. Now, he becomes aware of a strange feeling, here in this dark,
quiet room, with Sanzo's comforting presence and familiar scent, the paleness of
his skin and hair and those smoky amethyst eyes. He becomes aware of Sanzo's
relaxed posture on the edge of the bed, clad in only his jeans. He finds himself
mesmerized, eyes riveted on those parted lips, as Sanzo just blows out his
smoke, for once not telling him to shut up or breaking out the paper fan.

Hazy violet meets gleaming gold, and the atmosphere in the room goes
suddenly electric. Neither man so much as breathes, a warmth rising to flush Goku's cheeks.

The spell breaks as Sanzo snaps his gaze away.

"Goku."

His voice is husky from the effects of dehydration and the dry desert air. Goku's own voice wavers slightly as he responds.

"Sanzo?"

"I need more cigarettes. Let's go see what this pathetic dump of a village
has to offer."

"Sure, but... your dinner? Hakkai said you should try to have something. And
it's mostly liquid, so it'll help."

"Hmph."

Impatiently, Sanzo lifts the lid on the bowl and takes in the sight of the
broth-like soup. Under Goku's determined eye, he quickly downs the nourishing,
thirst-quenching liquid. Satisfied, Goku grins and nods his head.

As Sanzo rises from the bed and moves to collect the rest of his clothing,
Goku quickly grows flustered. The priest just looks so gracefully predatory in
the dark that the demon can't seem to tear his eyes away from his fluid
movements.

Sanzo casts a questioning look at Goku, arching an eyebrow.

"Was there something else?"

"Ahh... no? I'll go wait outside, bye Sanzo!"

Quickly, he leaves the room and breaths a sigh of relief.

"Whew. That was kinda weird, but hell, it's just Sanzo, so get a grip. "

Upon Goku's hasty departure, Sanzo narrows his eyes, feeling unsettled, and
strangely not as relieved to see him go as he would like himself to be.

XXX

"Ah, Priest Sanzo, how marvelous to see that you're feeling better! Please,
feel free to stay here with us as long as you need to, you and your companions
are most welcome! Our village, and our humble home, is very honoured by your
visit! Very honoured indeed! Please, can we offer you anything else? Is there
anything you need?"

"Shit. Just what I need, profuse praise from the goddamn villagers."

Sanzo mutters to himself, unable to resist rolling his eyes before squeezing
them shut in annoyance.

"Cigarettes. I need cigarettes."

"Oh. Well, Sir, umm... "

Rolling his eyes again, Sanzo holds up a hand in a gesture of dismissal.

"Just tell me where I might find some."

Having neither the patience nor tolerance for this old routine tonight, he
quickly gets the information he needs and makes his escape, deciding to leave
Hakkai to take care of all the niceties. He makes his way outside, where Goku is
waiting. Together, they make their way through the streets, almost leisurely, as
Goku begins to recite names of foods he'd like to eat for an after dinner
snack.

To Goku, it still seems a little odd the way Sanzo is practically just
ignoring him, rather than getting angry or irritated, as he usually would. As a
result, Goku finds himself talking more, just to hide his discomposure. Perhaps
Sanzo still feels sick? The thought crosses Goku's mind, although Sanzo doesn't
really look sick. In fact, the monk almost seems to be preoccupied by
something. Goku's curiosity is quickly building. If there's something that Sanzo
isn't telling him, that just won't do, because Goku hates secrets. If
something is bothering Sanzo, Goku wishes he would just come out with it,
rather than bottling everything up all the time. Goku feels his frustration
intensifying, until finally, he stops in his tracks. Sanzo just keeps walking,
seemingly oblivious.

"Sanzo."

Sanzo ignores him, continuing to walk on ahead.

"Hey, Sanzo!"

"Hmm?"

"Sanzo... "

He is interrupted when a woman suddenly emerges from a house, calling out to
them softly.

"Genjo Sanzo. Please, come this way. There is something I wish to
discuss with you."

She beckons gently with one slender, many-ringed hand, her body completely
draped in flowing green robes. Even her face is concealed behind light green
lace. Tiny bells adorning her clothing and jewelry tinkle as she moves.The scent
of incense and spices exude from her doorway, drifting out into the night
air.

Goku's nose twitches, as do Sanzo's nerves.

Beginning to walk on by, he calls back over his shoulder to the stranger.

"I'm busy now. If there's something important, discuss it with my host in the
morning, he'll pass along the message to me."

"Ah, but Master Sanzo, I have something deserving of your special attention.
A gift, for an honoured guest. If you please, allow me to humbly bestow it."

With these words, she places her hands together in a gesture of respect and
bows politely. Sanzo is unimpressed.

"I have no need of any gift. Let's go, Goku."

"Aw, come on Sanzo, don't be a spoil sport. What kind of gift, lady? Is it
food?"

"Why, no, young Sir. It is something very special. Please. I only wish to
serve."

"Something better than food?"

"I would like to tell Priest Sanzo's fortune, if I may have the honour of
doing so."

At these words, Goku's face brightens as an idea occurs to him. If Sanzo has
his fortune told, maybe that will help him to figure out whatever it is that's
bothering him. It sounds like a great idea, but how can he get Sanzo to
agree?

Sanzo's own reaction, upon hearing the reason for the interruption of his
evening stroll, is a hiss of rejection and annoyance for what he considers to be an utterly
ridiculous waste of time. Goku's apparent enthusiasm only serves to
irritate him further.

"Sanzo! That's so cool! Come on, let's go."

"Don't be stupid, Goku, we're leaving."

"Saaanzooo!"

"I said no, that's final."

"But..."

"Shut up!"

Goku frowns, thinking plotting thoughts:

'Crap, at this rate, Sanzo's gonna break out the fan. And if he
doesn't, that's a sign that he really needs this fortune ladies
help!'

Deciding to try a different approach, Goku grabs one of Sanzo's hands as the
monk turns to leave, and, speaking calmly, makes his request.

"Sanzo, please let her tell your fortune? It can't hurt anything, and
it would really make me feel good if you did."

Sanzo, momentarily surprised by Goku's unexpected actions, peers suspiciously
into his huge, pleading eyes. Then his gaze shifts to the woman in green. It
feels almost as if the two are working together against him.

Yanking his hand roughly out of Goku's grip, he simultaneously shakes off
such paranoid thoughts. A nuisance is all that this is. Oh, he knows how to deal
with nuisances. Either beat some sense into them, or, better yet, beat them
senseless. Failing that, ignore them, or, very occasionally, indulge them
just enough to get them to shut up. It all depends on what degree of bad mood he
happens to be in at the time.

Tonight, the day's heat and confusion have lulled him into something
resembling a shadow of tranquility, and he finds himself reluctantly drawn
towards the latter method.

Thus, he is also reluctantly drawn through the door of the fortune-teller's
home.

Back to index

Chapter 2: Warming Up

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 2

Warming Up

At first, Goku is led to believe that his hopes of convincing Sanzo to agree to the free reading are totally dashed beyond all hope of repair. There is a brief moment of expectancy as he stands earnestly clutching Sanzo's hand in his own, and then, to Goku's great diappointment, the stubborn monk brusquely and roughly disengages the contact.

However, Goku isn't downcast for long. He suddenly perks up his attention, focusing on the blond with renewed interest. Now, He hasn't been observing Sanzo, like the devoted admirer he is, since first they met for nothing. He knows that slightly abrupt turn of the head,
that miniscule sneer of disdain quickly chased away by a look of totally bored indiffrence. He is equally familiar with that particular note in the sigh Sanzo releases as he again turns Goku's way.

Sanzo has agreed to his request!

Internally he is grinning, although Goku knows better than to let on to his secret knowledge. He simply holds his breath in anticipation, and...

Sure enough...

"Goku, what are you doing standing in the street like the village idiot when we have business to attend to?"

Sanzo begins a dignified and purposeful walk towards the fortuneteller's door!

Success!

Feeling quite pleased and proud of himself for his rather significant accomplishment, Goku takes a moment to witness Sanzo's imperious entrance across the lady's threshold. And as he does so, his boyish pride slips over into something quite different. He finds himself wondering, in dreamy fascination with his eyes glued to the other man's retreating form, just how Sanzo manages to look both so delicate and yet so dangerous at the same time.

When Sanzo stops just inside the door, turning back to glare at him, Goku's stomach actually does a little flip. A strange sense of embarrassment makes him swallow hard even as it reddens his ears. He suddenly worries that maybe Sanzo can read his thoughts in much the same way that he can read Sanzo's body language. But he is confused. Just what is he thinking, anyway, and why does it seem to make him feel so flustered?

Before Sanzo has a chance to throw any more harsh words his way, Goku quickly dashes to catch up, and they both enter the little building together, followed by the strange lady in green. Behind their backs, a secret smile of satisfaction crosses her lips, as she quietly shuts the door on the night.

XXX

The interior that greets Sanzo and Goku is an enchanting mixture of soft candlelight, exotic scents, and soothing simplicity of arrangement. Oils and dried herbs decorate the shelves, and the walls are hung with cloth in varying shades of green. Overall the effect is a calming one, and surely meant to put visitors at their ease.

They find themselves led through a curtained partition into an adjoining room, where, with a smooth flourish of slender hands and a respectful bow of the head, the lady indicates to Sanzo a comfortable looking reclining chair.

Somewhat hesitantly, Sanzo accepts the invitation to sit, although one could hardly call his use of the chair relaxed. Goku can't suppress a giggle at the sight of Sanzo perched tensely on the edge of the cushioned seat. There's just something funny about the thought of Sanzo being put through the obviously torturous ordeal of having his fortune read. Heaven forbid! As if already regretting his decision to agree to this, Sanzo does not look at all pleased. The lady regards Goku with a mildly stern look, and he manages to stifle his mirth.

"Young Sir, if you please, would you mind waiting in the other room? This is a very private matter regarding Master Sanzo's affairs. As well, it will require our undivided attention."

"Ah, no fair! I wanna hear the fortune too! Sanzo, I can stay, right?"

"There's no point in you staying, stupid monkey. This will only take a minute."

His comment, spoken more like a threat, is directed with menacing clarity at the fortune-teller, who bows in response. Growling and pouting, Goku turns sulkily to leave the room, Sanzo's voice following him out the door with a last-minute command.

"While you're at it, wait all the way outside. Better yet, down the street!"

The last thing Sanzo needs is Goku eavesdropping on this crackpot session and bringing back loads of ridiculous garbage for Gojyo to make use of in his Sanzo-aggravating obsession.

Once Goku's grumbles of protest fade out of earshot, the lady goes to work.

Quietly, she moves about the room, preparing and lighting a dish filled with some type of scented herb. Sanzo taps his foot pointedly as he waits, watching her progress. Soon, she begins to speak slowly in a soft, almost musical tone.

"Master Priest Sanzo, a fortune can offer insights into the past, the present and the future. It can see through the mists of the mind, the waters of the heart, down to the very depths of the soul. It can begin to make sense of the twisted roots of the self, untangle the knots of confusion and uncertainty that hinder us on our paths through life. Do you believe this can be so? In your
position, you yourself surely have many insights into matters of the occult. Perhaps this is not so strange to you as you would have me believe. Perhaps, your reluctance to accept my gift is due to a subconscious denial of that which troubles you."

As she speaks, she kneels upon a cushion at Sanzo's side.

"You are a priest of strong-will, are you not? That willpower may very well wage battle with your inner desire to know the truth. The truth can make us stronger, certainly, but the process of bringing it to the surface can be a painful one. It may expose many old wounds, long concealed. It can seem to weaken us, at least temporarily. Such is the price of knowledge. A precious gift, indeed, but a difficult one to accept."

Sanzo finds, despite himself, that he is beginning to relax. The actual words matter little, but the sound of the woman's voice is soothing, and the atmosphere in the room calming. The scent from the lit incense seems to lull him further into an easy, pliant state of mind. Unintentionally, his body begins to relax into the chair in which he sits, and his eyes fall gently shut.

The lady continues her gentle commentary, observing his response. After a time, she seems satisfied and another small smile flickers across her features. Tenderly, almost cautiously, she takes one of her guest's hands in her own and begins to examine the lines on the palm. At her touch, she is rewarded with a flinch of protest from the now half-asleep monk, but upon her soothing assurance,she is allowed to continue.

"I see... misfortune at birth, followed by a difficult childhood. Ah, but there was also love. Tragedy. Sorrow. You are troubled by memories of the past. Rain and darkness. But... something came into your life and changed everything. Something important. Things are still changing, even now. This concerns you, for you are aware of it, but confused as to the nature of this change. There is something else, as well."

She frowns in concentration, leaning in close.

Sanzo's breathing is even. His head has tilted to the side, allowing his hair to fall across his face in a soft caress upon one smooth cheek. All traces of tension and agitation have been erased, and he appears almost angelic in his repose.

Pursing her lips, the mystic places her hand lightly on his forehead and closes her eyes, focusing intently.

Yes, there is something else. She can feel it. Something mysterious and vague, but unwavering in it's insistency. Perhaps this is the key that she is looking for, the weak link in Genjo Sanzo's chain mail armour of spiritual strength. But it is buried so deep, as if from long ago in the past.

She shakes her head slightly, puzzled. Sanzo is still a young man, his past does not run this deep.

Straining her abilities to the limit, she begins to probe deep within Sanzo's soul. Just a little further, and the information she seeks will...

Sanzo suddenly goes tense. Through the hypnosis and drug-induced sleep, his subconscious has begun to sense the intrusion. Body unable to respond, his mind reacts by putting up mental walls of resistance, barriers of will.

"Hush, hush... Just a little more time, now. Relax."

The lady resumes with the mesmerizing effects of her voice, close to psychic overload with the extent of the workout her skills are receiving from this stubborn man.

Deeper, deeper...

Long ago...

A past life, perhaps?

This new realization strikes her suddenly and she grasps it.

Yes, that would seem to make sense in the circumstances. How unusual. If correct, something has apparently triggered a memory of events from a past life, events so significant, so powerful, that they have carried over into this reincarnation. How this is even possible, she has no idea, but the ethereal wisps of an elusive and unobtainable memory are winding their way around this man's soul and cutting into his awareness like poisonous barbed wire. No wonder his mind is so troubled, then, if this is what he must endure.

But she can make no further progress tonight. She is exhausted, Sanzo's resistance too strong, and the extent of the situation just too challenging. She must break for now. The concern is whether or not he will relent to more sessions, enabling her to continue her work.

It shouldn't be too difficult, she hopes. She has already loosened the seeds of his doubt, so perhaps the temptation to unearth the answers will persuade him. Whatever it takes, she must succeed. If she fails in this
mission, Lady Gyokumen Koushu will not be pleased.

Reluctantly, wearily, she rises from her position and goes to extinguish the burning of the herb, replacing it with another that will help to rouse Sanzo from his trance. Then she reseats herself to await his awakening.

It does not take long for him to come back to his senses. Momentarily disoriented, and then quickly regaining his composure, he silently rebukes himself for giving in to sleep. He does not like the fact that he has allowed his guard to drop so easily. Now, he's had enough of this. Time to go pick up the monkey and leave this nonsense behind.

Suddenly, it hits him.

As soon as he latches onto this passing thought of Goku, it sets off a domino reaction of unbidden memories and images in his head. Vivid memories of his first meeting with Goku, and of the time when the voice was calling him into the mountains, suddenly surface in his mind. Even from before, long before he ever had so much as an inkling of Goku's existence.

No. Even further back. Before Goku, except, Goku is still there. These images are like distant memories of Goku, except that they don't seem real. It is almost like seeing images from a dream that never was. And they are
relentlessly, unceasingly, bombarding his mind until he begins to feel dizzy with the intensity of it all.

All Sanzo can do is grit his teeth, press his hand to his eyes and wait for the barrage of visions to pass.

"Are you all right, Sir?"

As the mental onslaught gradually subsides, he looks sharply at the woman in green, and stands from the chair to tower above her kneeling form.

"What... did you do?"

Placing a mock expression of surprise and concern on her veiled face, she shrinks slightly away.

"Honourable Priest Sanzo! I... I'm sorry, you fell asleep, I felt it was all right to continue, since I had your consent."

"Continue what?"

"Why, the reading, of course! Please Sir, let me tell you what I discovered, I'm sure it may shed some light on whatever effects you may be experiencing."

"Effects?"

There's something about this woman that puts Sanzo on edge. How could he have allowed her to lure him into her little games? As a result, his anger is rising quickly.

"What you're feeling now, the discomfort, is it related in any way to the issues which were troubling you as you came into this village? You see, I feel I have begun to touch upon the cause of your concern, and the answers you seek, but I was not able to continue due to mental fatigue induced by the effort of concentration."

Impatient now, Sanzo interrupts her to demand an immediate explanation before his temper explodes.

"To the point, woman."

"The answers you seek, they lie deep in the past, in a past reincarnation, a past life from long ago. I have seen this truth, but was not quite able to reach it."

"Past life? Bullshit! What kind of insanity is this that you expect me to swallow?"

Insanity. If it is not truth, then it can only be insanity. Perhaps his grip on rational, stable thought is finally starting to give way. Perhaps it has already been slipping for some time now, ever since that day...

Perhaps this was inevitable all along.

Or, perhaps what she says is true. What he is experiencing are memories from a past life, breaking into his mind and clouding his thoughts with confusion.

"Konzen, ever since that time, five hundred years ago..."

Images of Goku from a time beyond memory...

Goku imprisoned in a cave for who knows how long, desperately calling out to him...

Sanzo stands rigid with shock and disbelief.

He has to know.

"When will you recover enough strength to continue the reading?"

Face hidden in a bow to the floor, the green mystic smiles in triumph and relief.

Back to index

Chapter 3: Boiling Point

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 3

Boiling Point

Morning arrives in the village.

In one particular household, four unusual travelers are in the process of sharing a meal together. There is nothing unusual in this; it's been the same thing every day since their journey began. But today, the atmosphere among them is somehow more subdued than usual.

Something is different. Something has changed. There's
something going on with Sanzo that he's not telling them about, and Goku seems to be affected as well. Moreover, this is something that isn't just going to go away without leaving a mark.

Gojyo senses these things almost imperceptibly, like an itch on the edge of his awareness, as he lounges back in his chair, resisting the urge to put his feet up on the table. Unfortunately, this is one itch that's still a little too delicate to attempt to scratch without the risk of causing unnecessary damage. But that won't stop him from at least trying to alleviate the discomfort somewhat, and the best way for him to do that, is to be himself.

"So, why is it that we'll be kickin' around this town for awhile? Not that I'm complaining, or anything."

Goku looks up from his plate to answer, undeterred by a mouth stuffed with food.

"Cause Sanzo's gotta meet with the lady for... OW! Sanzo! What the heck was that for?"

Goku holds his abused head in response to an imaginary pain. Of course the paper fan can't really damage someone who can smash his fist through solid rock and not feel a thing. But Goku will never, ever admit that it doesn't hurt, and, truthfully, in a way it does hurt, only the pain isn't at all physical.

"That's your punishment for talking with your mouth full, stupid monkey. Now eat quietly!"

Amused, Gojyo chuckles.

"So, Sanzo's meeting with the ladies, is he? Now this sounds interesting!"

This comment strikes a nerve with Goku. He frowns and glares at the redhead.

"No, you perverted cockroach! Do you have to go warping everything to fit in your depraved little antennae-topped mind?"

Goku is practically begging to be teased this morning, and the crimson one won't pass up the opportunity to comply.

"Who said anything about depravity, monkey? But you do seem to know a lot about Sanzo's business. Maybe... the both of you are up to something together, eh? Something I should know about? Hey, Hakkai, what do you think? It sounds to me like High Priest Genjo Sanzo's got himself a secret rendevous with a mystery woman, and Goku's tagging along."

Goku pushes his chair back from the table and stands, glaring at Gojyo in frustrated annoyance.

"Shut up, Gojyo, Sanzo's not interested in girls like that, unlike you, ya perverted water-sprite!"

By now, Gojyo's face is practically splitting in two, he's grinning so hard. However, much to Gojyo's dismay, Sanzo seems almost not to have heard him, judging by the lack of response from the normally trigger-happy monk.

"Oh, he's not? Then just what is he interested in, eh, Goku?"

For some reason, Goku feels himself growing very uncomfortable with the way this argument is headed. He opens his mouth to make a retort, and suddenly realizes that he isn't even sure why he's so mad, let alone what he wants to say. Not to mention the fact that the room is starting to feel just a bit too warm for his liking. Luckily, Hakkai comes to the rescue before Goku can spend too much time standing there with his mouth hanging open while a tinge of pink slowly creeps its way into his cheeks.

"Now, now, Gojyo, I'm sure we could all use a bit of a break after traveling hard for a week through the heat."

Gojyo allows himself one more chuckle at Sanzo's expense.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to get sunstroke now, would we. That would just be too much."

He is finally rewarded with a slight twitch from Sanzo's eyebrow, and the monk's hand, which has so far left his trusty gun untouched, begins to reconsider. However, Gojyo, momentarily satisfied, is already standing and excusing himself from the room.

"Think I'll take a walk, maybe go check out some of these ladies I've been hearing so much about, eh, Sanzo? That is, as long as you don't mind, I wouldn't want to be stepping into a certain someone's territory now, would I?"

With these oh so charming last words, and a wink in Sanzo's direction, Gojyo ambles out the door and proceeds to laugh his way down the street. When the door shuts behind the half-breed, Goku melts down into his chair in relief, while Sanzo absorbs himself by mutilating his cigarette in the process of stubbing it out. Immediately lighting up a fresh one, he addresses Hakkai casually.

"Hakkai. Why don't you and Gojyo take a holiday. If I even so much as get a glimpse of either of your faces in the next few days, dire emergency excepted, I'll give you each a new hole in the head. Understood?"

Slightly taken aback, as he still hasn't been able to figure out the cause behind Sanzo's recent behaviour, Hakkai decides to voice a mild rejection.

"Sanzo, is it wise for us to separate? I can understand if you have reasons of your own for wanting some time, but... "

"Listen, Hakkai. We haven't had any attacks or sign of pursuit since the last battle. What's more, Kougaiji himself didn't leave that scene in the best of shape. So, I say we can afford a short stop here, and some time apart. We'll stay in pairs, just in case. And if anything does comes up, you know were to find us. That's my final decision, so live with it."

"All right, Sanzo. Gojyo and I will try to arrange alternative accommodation, then."

"Don't try, do it. I won't be needing you for a few days."

If Hakkai was the type for such a display of expression, he would be raising his eyebrows and blinking in surprise. But Hakkai will be Hakkai, so he just smiles slightly and finishes off his tea in silence.

XXX

The day passes uneventfully as routine village life goes on relatively uninterrupted around its honoured guests. Hakkai and Gojyo are offered a place to stay across town, and the heat wave remains, like plastic wrap stretched tautly across the land.

Upon learning that Sanzo will be continuing to visit the
fortuneteller, Goku is delighted. Of course he tries
asking about the results of the reading, but Sanzo flatly refuses to give up any information whatsoever, and Goku figures it best not to persist with his questioning. This is important to Sanzo. He has a sense of this, and so despite being kept out of the loop, Goku is content to leave things as they are.

Besides, the thought of Sanzo and himself falling into the old routine again, the usual whining, followed by the yelling and the hitting, it just makes him feel... worn out, somehow. It's always the same, and lately, it just feels
almost... empty, in a weird way, like it has no real meaning, just an act that keeps repeating over and over again without ever coming to any kind of conclusion.

Goku can't explain these feelings to himself, and if he tries it just makes his head hurt, so he pushes them into the back of his mind and tries to pretend they're not there. It doesn't make them go away, but it helps a little, at least.

Sanzo and Goku spend the day resting in the room provided for them, each absorbed in his own thoughts, and the strange calm shared between them feels almost like a welcome relief.

After having seen the fortuneteller again this morning, Sanzo is grateful that Goku isn't bothering him too much about it.This process that he has so reluctantly gotten himself into has quickly become all-consuming. The decision to continue feels like the most important one he has ever made in his life, and he is dead-set on seeing it through to the end, no matter what may come of it.

The dreams he had had last night, after the first session, had been nearly terrifying in their significance. Fragmented and confused, like a kaleidoscope of images, it had been very difficult to grasp onto any coherency or clarity at all. It had been like trying to see through to the bottom in a pool of clear water, but not quite being able to because the surface was so distorted by ripples and reflections that no matter how hard he looked, he couldn't really see what was hidden just beneath the surface.

What he seeks seems to be so close, and yet remains still so obscure. What he has managed to claim so far, is the feeling, or rather the certainty, that he has shared a life with Goku in the distant past, and this knowledge touches upon something deep inside that he has so far denied even being capable of, until now.

Sympathy. Compassion.

He understands now, the reason for the profound connection between Goku and himself. He knows why Goku's voice was able to reach him, and why he had felt so compelled to follow.

The memories have shown him in painful form that he and Goku had been together, all that time ago. Then, for some reason, they had become separated. He had died, but Goku had not.

Instead, Goku had been sent into exile and isolation, forced to wait for a very, very long time.

For five hundred years.

Oh, gods, it hurts. It hurts so much to learn this fact now, that the pain is emotional, physical and spiritual all at once, and it's almost unendurable, as if something inside is on the verge of breaking. If it does break, it's going to break into a million tiny pieces and maybe, maybe he'll never be able to put it back together again. Maybe he won't even want to, because everything will be different and the pieces won't fit in the same places anymore.

He wants to reach out to Goku somehow, to take back those years he spent in the cave, but he doesn't even know where to begin, and... he is almost afraid. He
doesn't know if he can ever let Goku know what he now so desperately wants him to know.

'I never meant to leave you, Goku. I'm sorry.'

So Sanzo sits at the table, chain-smoking and hiding behind a newspaper he has no intention of reading, while lost in a flood of agony that threatens to burst his heart apart at the core. He must hold it back, must contain himself and remain in control in order to find out what other information he can recover. He can't let this overwhelm him now, or he won't be able to continue,
and he absolutely must continue. Now that he's come this far, the desire to know everything is too great to resist.

Goku, unaware of the emotional turmoil taking place across the room, is just sitting lazily on the bed, quietly pretending to practice his writing skills while in actuality just doodling and wasting ink. He smiles lopsidedly, thinking how Sanzo always hates it when he wastes ink. Every now and then he looks up at his silent companion, wanting to say something, but thinks better of it and
stifles the urge. He's about to put down his work, feeling bored, when a sudden stabbing thought makes him scribble ink all over his paper in a frenzy of frustration instead.

'Why can't we just talk to each other like normal people? Hakkai and Gojyo talk. Why won't Sanzo talk to me? Why won't he ever listen to me?'

He looks at the paper, and realizes with a start that he has filled the entire page with Sanzo's name, over and over again, and that he has just messed up all his efforts with his careless scribble. His face forms a pout of disapproval as he folds the page in half. A strange mixture of longing and disappointment overtake him then, and he flops backwards onto the bed with a sigh. In a moment, he gives up trying to keep quiet.

"Sanzo?"

There is a pause, and then a rustling of paper as Sanzo realizes that he's supposed to be turning pages periodically.

"What?"

"Can I... try your cigarette?"

Sanzo wasn't expecting this question, but at least the answer is an easy one.

"No."

"Come on, just one puff. Please?"

"Why?"

"I just wanna see why you like it so much, what it tastes like."

"It's a cigarette, of course it's going to taste like shit to you."

"But I wanna see for myself."

"I said no. If you really want to die of lung cancer so badly, then go get your own cigarettes."

"But I wanna share yours with you."

Sanzo isn't quite sure how to respond to this, so he keeps his mouth shut, the pain welling up inside again.

"Sanzo?"

After a moment with no response, Goku sighs again, and finds himself whispering a strange thought to himself.

"I just wanted to see what you taste like."

His eyes go wide, and he quickly checks to see whether Sanzo might have heard him. The monk remains silent behind his wall of paper.

"Sanzo?"

"What now?"

"Will you read me something from the paper?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Sanzo finds his next words falling automatically from his mouth, and it almost hurts to say them, but he can't stop himself.

"It's not worth my effort to read to a stupid monkey."

Ouch.

For some reason, to Goku, Sanzo's harsh words seem to hurt so much more now than they ever used to.

"But... I just wanna listen to your voice."

Goku winces, his mind racing with a panicked thought.

'Crap. That sounded weird, didn't it? Why did I have to go and say it out loud? Hell, Goku, while you're at it, why don't you just ask him if you can kiss him too?'

With a gasp of embarrassment, he promptly stuffs a pillow over his face.

'Oh, man, where did that thought come from? Maybe I've got
heatstroke now too, or something.'

A moment passes. To Sanzo, this moment feels more like an eternity, as he contemplates the significance of Goku's simple request. Alone for so long... Goku was outright denied that which he himself has always rejected. Comfort, companionship, love.

'I gave him freedom, and in turn he gave me... Is freedom alone enough to make up for fivehundred years? Can I ever make it up to him?'

Goku sighs again, but it comes out closer to a sob than anything else.

Ignored. Rejected. Left alone.

The silence in the room is so loud it makes Goku want to scream just to fill it.

Until...

There is another rustling of paper, and then... Sanzo clears his throat... and begins to read.

Sanzo's beautiful voice fills Goku's ears, and as it does so, it also fills the deep void that was threatening to eat him alive only a moment ago, and the golden-eyed boy feels a smile light up his face, and a warmth flood his chest.

For the first time, Sanzo has listened to him, really listened to him, and responded in kind.

'Maybe,' thinks Goku, 'Maybe I should say these weird things out loud more often.'

Back to index

Chapter 4: Overflow

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 4

Overflow

Three more days pass, and the weather in the village remains oppresively hot and heavy. Sanzo's sessions with the mystic continue relentlessly, twice each day, and have left him exhausted as a result. Each time seems to trigger a splitting headache along with the memories that it conjures up in his mind, memories that are more like haunting spirits that refuse to be ignored.

Most of his time awake is spent either staring off into space, hopelessly lost in images and thoughts of the distant past, or in meditation, when he manages to pull himself back to reality enough to concentrate on attempting to make sense of all this disjointed information his mind is receiving.

As for Goku, he's starting to worry that maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But Sanzo is obviously determined, so what else can he do but stand by and watch, hoping that everything turns out all right and Sanzo eventually finds whatever it is that he seems to be seeking.

XXX

The evening of the third day, not long before Goku knows Sanzo will be going out to meet with the fortune-teller again, finds the two of them sitting in their room quietly, as has become the routine. Sanzo is sitting at the little table, Goku on the bed, their usual positions, when Goku's ears perk up at the sound of Sanzo's voice. Sanzo seems to be mumbling something to himself, but Goku can't quite make out the indistinct words.

"Sanzo?"

There is no response as the muttering continues, gradually becoming clearer as Sanzo seems to become more intent on what he's trying to say. Listening to Sanzo talking to himself in such a strange and uncharacteristic manner invokes an uncomfortably eerie feeling in Goku, and the words aren't making any kind of sense that he can fathom at all.

"No, no, no, it wasn't, it was him. Konzen, not Sanzo. I didn't have a choice. I would never... No! It wasn't me, it wasn't... NO!"

Goku flinches in alarm when Sanzo suddenly shouts out the last word before lapsing into silence once again, breathing heavily as though stressed.

Goku softly calls out to him from across the room, his voice pitched high with audible concern.

"Sanzo? You okay?"

When he still gets no response, he can't bring himself to just leave it at that. Getting up from the bed, he crosses the room until he stands just behind Sanzo's chair.

"Sanzo?"

At the sound of Goku's voice, Sanzo jumps and turns to him with a startled expression, as if he hadn't even been aware of Goku's approach. For a moment they just look into each other's eyes, each searching the other for answers to questions left unspoken. Then, Sanzo squints those brilliantly coloured eyes of his as if trying to see something that isn't clearly visible, and slowly raises one black-gloved arm. For a moment, Goku thinks he's going to be hit, but instead, Sanzo just grabs a hold of Goku's shirt, twisting the fabric in a tightly clenched fist.

The look that he has glued on Goku is so intent, so deep and searching, it makes Goku's head swim. Sanzo's lips begin to tremble slightly, as if he is trying to say something but can't quite make his mouth work enough to get the words out. After a moment, he seems to give up the effort,his face going blank and hard. The intensity of his eyes diminishes, although it doesn't vanish entirely. His grip on Goku's clothing loosens, and he gives Goku a slight push backwards and away, turning his head and averting his eyes from the baffled boy.

For a moment, all Goku does is stand there, troubled by uncertainty and concern. His heart skips a beat as he realizes what he is about to do, before tentatively reaching out and placing a hand upon Sanzo's shoulder. Beneath his touch, Sanzo's body tenses and pulls away reflexively, but not enough to disengage the contact.

Encouraged by the relative lack of anticipated negative response, Goku builds up his resolve and speaks.

"Sanzo, I know you don't wanna talk about it, but... is it really that bad? A fortune's supposed to tell the future, right? Whatever it is... even if it's bad, I'll still be here. You won't have to face it alone."

At his words, Sanzo just turns to look at him, and his eyes are so absolutely haunted that it makes Goku's heart wrench in his chest.

"The future? Alone... No, no, this is the future, Goku. And you were there, but I wasn't. I left you alone. I couldn't protect...Shit! I can't, fucking can't!"

Sanzo shakes his head furiously, blond hair tossing into his face like wisps of fair silk, and brings one fist crashing down onto the table with a frustrated bang.

Confused, Goku steps back, his hand dislodged from its place on Sanzo's shoulder. He can only stare at his saviour as a bewildered witness to his internal struggle.

Yes, Sanzo is waging a war with himself, wanting to explain to Goku, explain everything, that he hadn't meant to abandon him, that that was the last thing he ever wanted to happen, and, most importantly, that he is so sorry, but no matter how hard he tries to force the words out, they simply refuse to come. Through it all, Goku is still just standing there with that innocent look on his face, with those huge, shiny eyes, so full of care, and suddenly he just can't take it any more. This is just too much, too soon. What Sanzo needs is for Goku to get out of his face, not to confront him about this right now.

He's not ready for this yet.

So, with a few deep breaths, he manages to get a shaky grip on his emotions, steeling himself for what he must do.

"Goku. You're bothering me. Go to bed."

"Sanzo?"

"I said leave me alone. Can't you listen when you're told what to do?"

Swallowing a sick feeling of disappointment and dismay, Goku turns and walks to the bed, feeling like a lump of bruised clay beneath Sanzo's harsh refusal to accept any kind of reassurance from him.

Goku has his own makeshift bed set up on the floor, but since they've been sharing this little room the last few strange days, it has somehow ended up not being used beyond the first day. Sanzo has neither the energy or the heart to fight or argue about sleeping arrangements, and, much to Goku's shock, has simply given up on trying to kick him out of the bed at night.

To Goku, pretending like he wants to steal the bed is just a matter of course. He never even seriously considered for one split second that Sanzo wouldn't be the one to get it. But last night,Goku had wound up unexpectedly lying with Sanzo next to him, although Sanzo hadn't ventured to share the space beneath the cover. He had come home after his evening session and just passed out without so much as a word shared between them. Of course, this new arrangement is fine with Goku, better than fine. In fact, all day has found Goku looking forward to a repeat of last night, when he had lain awake, filled with wonder as he gazed at the other man's sleeping face,enjoying his close proximity and the rare chance to just admire him to his heart's content.

Now, with a last streak of stubbornness born from a desperate desire to hold onto something that he has gained, he refuses the voice in his mind that tells him to retreat to his original place on the floor, and resolutely, if a little hesitantly, takes his place in the bed. Sanzo voices no objection, and he is thankful for that tiny blessing.

To Goku, it feels over these past few days as if something specialis taking place. Hehas actually started to feel closer to Sanzo than he ever has before, in a way that he doesn't even know how to describe, except that it feels nice. It feels right. Now, however, he can't help wondering if maybe Sanzo doesn't think it feels so nice As he lies here, buried under the cover, he wonders if maybe Sanzo thinks it's wrong.

Eventually, just as the lump inGoku's throat is becoming so large and uncomfortable that he feels he might choke, Sanzo stirs from his place and gathers himself to leave for his meeting with the lady in green.

As the door clicks shut behind his escaping form, Goku finally lets go of the deep sigh he has been keeping in his throat, and sucks in a long, shaky breath of miserable air.

XXX

She is so close now, so very close to what she seeks. This has turned out to be much more difficult than she ever imagined it would be, but the end is finally drawing near. And her subject is so intent on receiving the knowledge, that it has become easier to gain access to his mind.Sanzo is gradually surrendering his will, submitting to the process, which is in itself not an easy thing for him to do.

Although she is so weary now, after these several attempts,still she stretches her abilities to the limit once again, reaching deep.

Right there, right...

There.

Breakthrough!

She has managed to establish a direct link with the past life!

A rush of exhilaration washes over her as she realizes that her efforts have finally been successful.

At the same moment, Sanzo suddenly fully awakens to the past.

He remembers everything now.

He can even see Tenpou and Kenren, and he knows who they are. Everything is clear, in agonizing detail. Heart stopping, soul wrenching, excruciatingly painful detail.

A scream shreds through his throat, as his body arches up in a futile attempt to escape from the bonds of truth. Then, he goes still and blank, as his mind, overloaded by this torturous assault of knowledge, drops into unconsciousness.

On the verge of collapse herself, the green mystic suddenly begins to fret. Yes, she has found the key she was searching for, the one that will open the door to Sanzo's soul, and allow his control to be lost from within, allow him to be destroyed according to Lady Gyokumen Koushu's wishes. This is all that she had been told to do, nothing more. The rest, she has been told, is not up to her. It is beyond her.

But what, then, is to happen next?

Her heart pounding violently in her chest, she begins to feel her flesh crawl and tingle with an unearthly sensation of dread. She watches, in ominous bewilderment, as a small trickle of blood begins to flow from the afflicted priest's nose. At the same instant, a red drop falls from her own nostril onto the back of her hand.

It's getting harder to breath now, and her breath comes in small hiccupped gasps. She can only stare in morbid fascination as Sanzo's body begins to tremor ever so slightly.

As the truth behind what is happening begins to dawn on her, her eyes grow wide in horror. She tries to scream, but cannot find enough breath to do so. She starts to crawl towards the door, knowing it will do her no good, that she cannot escape, and then, with a long, gargled gasp, she collapses onto the floor, and moves no more.

Simultaneously, the trembling of Sanzo's body ceases, and he goes absolutely still.

A silence hung heavy with suspense permeates throughout the room.

A gasp of breath, and amethyst eyes snap open. A small smile touches Sanzo's lips. Slowly, carefully, he stands, straightens out his robes, wipes the blood from his face with the back of his hand, and walks to the door. As for the woman lying on the floor, he passes her by without so much as a glance.

A storm is approaching in the night as he steps out into the street. Thunder cracks in the distance, promising a downpour to come. Sanzo pauses to stretch his muscles and light a cigarette, and to see him now, you would think him not at all concerned about the prospect of rain.

XXX

Goku is asleep when Sanzo returns to the room, curled forlornly under the cover, wrapped in his unhappy slumber.

Sanzo approaches the bed and stops, head cocked curiously to one side. He stands for some time observing Goku as he sleeps, almost as if he is seeing something about the boy that he has never noticed until now. Eventually, a satisfied smile crosses Sanzo's features, and he steps closer.

Goku is breathing evenly, one hand clutching the pillow in a loose grip. Sanzo tenderly brushes Goku's soft brown locks back to fully expose his sleeping face. He lets his fingers trace over the gold band around the demon's head, and trail lightly down one cheek to brush against his lips.

Then, quickly, mercilessly, he yanks the cover off of Goku's body and roughly pulls him onto the floor, kicking him aside with one booted foot.

Rudely awakened, Goku stares up at Sanzo confusedly from the floor.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo's words, when he speaks, make Goku want to choke.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you that animals belong on the floor? Honestly, you disappoint me so, Goku."

Strangely, it is not so much the words themselves, but the way in which they are spoken, that strike at Goku's heart. The tone of voice is so casual, so relaxed, so without any trace of anger that it sends a chill up Goku's spine.

And then Sanzo laughs, and the sound is low and rich and utterly cruel.

Goku feels he might die, right here on the hard floor at Sanzo's feet, for he has always longed to hear Sanzo laugh. Always, but not like this, not like this.

He can only remain lying where he has been kicked to, listening as Sanzo prepares himself for bed, waiting for him to fall asleep so he can start breathing normally again.

Thunder sounds distantly, and it relaxes Goku a little. Perhaps it's just the effects of the approaching storm and theanticipation of rain that has Sanzo so upset. Perhaps that's all it is.

But oh, it can't be just the rain. The session must have gone very badly tonight. Perhaps Sanzo has found out something terrible. What if he's in some kind of trouble? Tomorrow, resolves Goku, he will find out what it is, so that he can help his sun to overcome it.

Sleep does not return quickly, and truthfully, Goku almost doesn't want to fall asleep, because he doesn't want the morning to come, afraid of what kind of ugliness its light may reveal.

Back to index

Chapter 5: Short Circuit

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 5

Short Circuit

The new day is fresh from the night's rain, the heat wave having finally been washed away in its wake. The burning sun remains, but at least the suffering intensity of its rays have diminished, and some welcome relief has been obtained.

Sanzo throws open the curtains with gusto, letting in the light and warmth of the sun to fill the room. The sunshine drenches across the floor to strike upon Goku where he lays still asleep, glittering off of the power-limiter he is forced to wear and bathing his face with its glow.

Sanzo turns from the window and leans against the windowsill, lazily regarding the sleeping shape. A deep sleeper, Goku has not yet stirred since Sanzo has been up and moving about the room. Sanzo runs his fingers through his hair, and then uses his hands to push off from the wall where he leans, stepping quickly over to crouch at Goku's side.

After a moment's contemplation, the corners of his eyes crinkle in amusement, and he blows softly onto Goku's face. At the lack of response, Sanzo bounces slightly on his toes, tapping his fingers on his knee. Then impatience gives way to a mischievous glint in his eyes and a small smirk twitches across his lips.

Dropping to his knees and leaning in close, he blows directly into Goku's ear, and then draws back a little, still leaning over the other as he waits for the reaction. Goku makes a small muffled noise and cracks open his eyes.

"Morning."

At the sound of Sanzo's voice, he forces his sleepy eyes apart all the way, and then starts as he becomes aware of Sanzo's face hovering over his own.

"Sanzo?"

"Time to rise and shine, Goku."

Goku allows himself a moment to squint up into Sanzo's eyes, still dazed from sleep. Then Sanzo abruptly stands, taking his shadow with him and leaving Goku's eyes no longer shielded from the sun. He blinks and sits up.

"Goku, what are you doing on the floor?"

"Huh? You... didn't you tell me to get off the bed last night?"

Goku suddenly feels chilly despite the warmth of the room as he remembers Sanzo's previous cold treatment towards him.

"You really took that seriously, did you? I was only teasing with my silly little monkey. You should know that by now."

Goku frowns. What the heck did Sanzo just say? Swallowing his hesitation, he decides to ask his question.

"Sanzo, are you... is everything all right? Did something bad come up at the reading last night?"

Sanzo chuckles slightly.

"Everything's fine, Goku. In fact, that was the last session. I finally have my answers, and everything is so clear now, it feels... so liberating."

"Sanzo? Are you sure..."

Before Goku can finish his sentence, Sanzo squats down behind him and places a hand gently over his lips, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

"Shhh..."

Goku shivers as a pleasant tingling sensation travels through his body. Sanzo's breath is warm against the skin of his neck as the softly whispered words continue.

"Goku, I have something to tell you, but it's a secret. Hakkai and Gojyo don't even need to know. I know you don't like secrets, but this is important. It's just between you and I. Can you keep my secret safe for me, Goku?"

Goku nods his head, feeling quite overwhelmed.

"That's what I wanted to hear, Goku. Now, go eat your breakfast, and we'll talk about it later, Okay?"

Goku nods again, and Sanzo lets his hand slip slowly from it's position over Goku's mouth, and stands, moving to the table to retrieve his smokes.

Dazed, confused and blushing profusely, Goku stands groggily and makes his way out to the kitchen. Pausing at the door, he turns back to watch as Sanzo lights up his cigarette, and frowns.

Sanzo looks so uncharacteristically relaxed this morning. Plus, there's something weird about his appearance. He has the sutra draped over his shoulders, but minus the robe. All he's wearing are his jeans with the black top and gloves. Goku notes also that Sanzo has tied his hair back into a small ponytail, and simply tucked his gun casually down the back of his pants.

It's been hard enough sometimes lately not to stare at Sanzo, but now, Goku has to shake his head and force himself to look away before he melts on the spot. Attempting to distract himself with thoughts of food, he continues on to go and have his breakfast.

XXX

The afternoon finds the two of them meandering the streets, as Sanzo leads them on an apparently aimless path through the village.

They spend some time wandering through the market, buying lunch, cigarettes, good luck charms (because Sanzo says he thinks it's funny) and, to Goku's puzzlement, a little pocket knife that seems to catch Sanzo's fancy.

Eventually, Sanzo stops in front of a small building, and Goku recognizes it as the fortune-teller's shop.

"Hey, Sanzo, I though you said... "

"Relax, Goku. I just have to pick something up, and then we're done here. Why don't you wait outside? I'll just be a minute."

After a few minutes of waiting, however, Goku grows bored and peers in through the door to see what the hold up is. To his surprise, Sanzo seems to be searching for something, as he busily goes through the assortment of herbs and strange concoctions in the shop. He takes a whiff of each one and examines various items, before finally seeming to locate what he's after, stuffing it into the bag with the cigarettes. When he emerges from the shop, he briefly puts an arm around Goku's shoulders before letting his hand brush across his back.

"Goku, let's go."

"Sanzo, is it okay just to take stuff?"

Sanzo gives him a sharp look.

"I thought I told you to wait outside. What were you doing spying on my business?"

"Ahh... I..."

Sanzo sighs.

"Never mind. It's a parting gift. She said I could choose whichever incense I want."

"Oh."

"Cheer up, Goku. Do you want me to buy you something else to eat?"

"Okay. I am really hungry."

"Of course you are. And afterwards, we can talk about that little secret I mentioned earlier."

Goku blushes again, remembering the incident from this morning, and tags along behind Sanzo as they leave the fortune-teller's shop behind.

XXX

Back in the room at their host's house, Sanzo carefully shuts the door and draws the curtains, before sitting at the table and beckoning for Goku to take the other seat.

Goku sits, waiting nervously while Sanzo flicks on his lighter and ignites the end of yet another cigarette. After a couple of suspenseful drags, he finally turns his attention on his companion.

"Goku. I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that we are definitely in the wrong line of work. Religion doesn't suit me, never did, never will. I know some regretful things happened in the past, but it's time to get over it and move on."

Sanzo pauses for another leisurely breath of smoke as Goku stares at him from across the table.

"Humans and demons, their time for harmonious living is over. Hmph. As if humans ever fully accepted demons as equals to begin with. You and I, on the other hand, we've got a connection. Together, we can do anything."

He fixes his eyes on Goku, his entire demeanour an odd display of casual intensity.

"I say, fuck the gods and their holy mission. If Kougaiji wants to revive Gyuumaoh, then good for him. What concern is it of ours?"

By now, Goku is gaping so hard, one would think his eyes are about to fall out of their sockets. Sanzo seems not to notice as he continues.

"Course, he needs my scripture to do it. That's the catch. By ordering Genjo Sanzo on this mission, the gods are sending the weapon of destruction right into the enemy's hands, putting faith in us to do the job right and not let that happen. And if I do nothing, Kougaiji comes after me for it anyway."

There is another pause as Sanzo makes use of the ashtray.

"So, I say, we go west, we hand over the scripture, and then we simply sit back and watch the fireworks. Game over."

There is a small, strangled sound of shock from Goku, and his eyes widen even more in response to Sanzo's next sentence.

"Oh, I'm being rude, aren't I? I forgot to offer you a cigarette."

Goku blinks, and Sanzo shrugs.

"Suit yourself."

Goku leans back in his chair, utterly speechless, as Sanzo's unbelievable words continue.

"As for Hakkai and Gojyo, I can see them having a little problem with all this. So we don't tell them our plans. They think we're going west to fight? So let them fight."

He shrugs again, and leans forward in his chair.

"Now, you might be thinking, why not just hand over the scripture now and get it over with? Well, that's just not my style. Genjo Sanzo does not surrender anything, unless it's in my own special way."

He narrows his eyes at Goku.

"The gods can take their precious scripture and rot in hell. I serve no one but myself. Free of everything, not bound by anything, only live your life just as it is."

"S... Sanzo?"

"Are you with me, Goku? Can you still see the light?"

"Sanzo... "

"Shhh. Remember, this is a secret between you and I. We'll meet with Hakkai and Gojyo in the morning, but breath a word of this to either of them, or to anyone, and you might find yourself lost in the dark, with no more sun to light your way. I don't want that to happen, Goku, do you?"

XXX

Night arrives with nothing more being said regarding Sanzo's revelation to Goku. Gokudoes not known what to say. He's still in shock, with absolutely no idea what to think.

Emotionally exhausted, Goku prepares himself for bed. Just as he's wondering rather confusedly if he should use the bed or the floor, Sanzo suddenly puts out the light in the room, gazing at Goku intently in the dark, his cigarette burning with a fiery orange glow and casting an eerie light upon his face. His voice, when he speaks, is like black velvet, and wraps around Goku like an alluring caress.

"Your eyes, the way they shine in the dark. You electrify me."

Goku watches, fascinated, as Sanzo discards his cigarette and begins to approach, like a shadow on the move, or a feline stalking it's prey. His heart pounds as Sanzo closes the distance between them.

Soon, Sanzo is directly in front of him, and still he doesn't stop. He keeps moving forward, forcing Goku to back away. This continues, like a slow dance in the dark, until Goku feels his back come up against the wall, and he catches his breath in surprise.

Sanzo does not stop his advance even now, and as he proceeds to press his slender body against Goku's smaller, more compact form, the unexpected pyhsical contact makes Goku gasp again.

When Sanzo gracefully bends his incredibly pale, supple neck to dip his head and nuzzle Goku delicately on the throat, slipping one hand onto the back of Goku's own neck as he does so, Goku forgets to breath at all. The nuzzling becomes a kiss, and Goku forgets how to breath, period. When the kiss progresses to gentle nibbling and sucking, hell, Goku forgets his own name. That is, until Sanzo whispers it into his ear before teasing the earlobe by nipping it lightly. At this, Goku finally releases his breath with a faint sound that can only be called a moan.

In response, Sanzo pulls away, trapping Goku within smoldering violet eyes. One mesmerizing moment of expectant wonder, and then...

Sanzo's lips are upon Goku's, and Goku moans into his mouth and revels in the sweet tongue that finds his own.

Warmth becomes heat. Confusion becomes surrender. Nothing exists beyond this moment, this touch...

This perfect ecstasy.

Sanzo shifts his body slightly, pressing in closer, and our favourite monkey king seriously thinks he might have died and gone straight to Heaven.

Suddenly, the taste of blood invades Goku's senses, and, alarmed, he disengages the contact.

Annoyed, Sanzo tightens his hold on the back of Goku's neck in frustration and attempts to reinitiate the kiss, but before he can recapture those fugitive lips, Goku has noticed the source of the unwelcome interruption.

"Sanzo, your nose, it's bleeding."

Sanzo looks startled, and then his eyes cloud over. He touches his face in disbelief, and stares at the blood that comes away on his fingers.

"Shit."

Quickly, he goes to the table, turns on the light, and begins digging in his things for something, finally pulling out the packet he had taken from the mystic's shop.

With haste, he sets the incense burning, and goes to the bathroom to clean up the blood.

As soon as Sanzo is out of sight, Goku slumps against the wall, his skin flushed and his senses still buzzing with confusion and excitement. In a daze, he goes and throws himself onto the bed.

When Sanzo reappears, his mood is obviously not a good one, and Goku thinks it wise to leave him undisturbed, pretending to be asleep. In truth, his heart almost has a panic attack when Sanzo takes the place next to him on the bed. However, the blond simply rolls onto his side, facing away from Goku, and soon falls sound asleep. It is quite some time before Goku manages to follows suit.

XXX

Some time later, Goku finds himself awakening in the middle of the night. He lies still for a moment, listening. Something feels off, and it disturbs him. Turning his head, he notices Sanzo isn't next to him. He scans the room, which turns out to be empty. Then it hits him. Blood. He can smell blood, Sanzo's blood.

He frowns, thinking that Sanzo must be having another nosebleed. Concerned and unsettled, he gets up to look for his companion, going to check the bathroom. Sanzo is in there all right, but it's not just a nosebleed that Goku smells.

Sanzo seems not to notice Goku, and appears quite occupied with his activity. In his hand, he holds the little knife that he had purchased earlier, and he is busily in the process of cutting into the flesh of his own forearm.

Goku is about to call out, and then pauses in sudden alarm. Sanzo is not just randomly cutting away; he's actually carving a pattern into his skin, a word.

S I N

Again, Goku starts to go forward to intervene, when suddenly Sanzo throws back his head with a hiss of pleasure, and starts to laugh.

It is a delirious, hysterical, pointless kind of laughter, one that just goes on and on even as it seems to steal his breath, and Goku becomes afraid. He is afraid as he watches Sanzo drop the knife in a puddle of blood and laugh himself senseless on the bathroom floor. He finds himself unable to make his presence known, and flees back to the bed.

Diving onto the mattress, Goku pulls the covers over his head, shaking with distress until sleep finally overtakes him.

Back to index

Chapter 6: Dark Light

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 6

Dark Light

In the moment before awakening, caught somewhere in that hazy realm that is
not quite sleep, Goku sighs and snuggles against the pillow he holds in his
arms. Slowly, his eyes blink open, and he greets the new day feeling not only
sleepy but vaguely uneasy, as if he had been having a bad dream and has since
forgotten what it was about.

He squeezes his eyes shut and yawns, and when he reopens them, their focus
falls on a smear of red staining the sheets on the other side of the bed. In a
sudden, sickening rush, the memory of the scene from last night comes back to
him, and his stomach turns. Quickly, he sits up in bed. Sanzo is already up, in
the process of gathering together his things, and Goku can't help but notice the
blood stained towel he has wrapped around his arm.

Goku's awakening attracts Sanzo's attention, and he turns to look over at the
bed. Seeing its occupant sitting there staring at him, he picks up his boots and
approaches, sitting down on the edge of the bed to put them on.

"Morning, Goku. Sleep well?"

All Goku can do is stare numbly at Sanzo's arm, with the bloody cloth serving
as cold, hard evidence that what he had seen last night definitely was
not a dream. He wants to ask Sanzo about it, ask him what he was
thinking, what in the world he was doing, and why, why, why? But so taken
aback is he that he's unable even to phrase his thoughts, and he hesitates to
try, as if by remaining silent he can somehow pretend that what he had seen had
never happened. It just feels so surreal, so like the bad dream it should have
been.

Sanzo pauses in tying his laces to peer into Goku's eyes.

"Hey, little monkey, are you ignoring me today? Can't say good morning? What,
cat got your tongue? Funny, I don't recall having stolen it from you last night,
I thought I just borrowed it for a while."

He gives Goku a playful tap on the leg and a brief, teasing smile, but all
traces of amusement fade when he notices that Goku's gaze is fixed on his
arm.

"Hey, don't worry about this, it's nothing serious. I'll take care of it.
You, go eat, get yourself ready, then we'll go meet Hakkai and Gojyo and get out
of this joint. Oh, and, Goku, remember our little talk. Not a word."

He reaches out and tilts Goku's face up by the chin, locking eyes with the
boy. Solemnly, he places a finger to his own lips in a gesture of silence.

XXX

With Goku away at breakfast, Sanzo takes the time to clean up the wounds on
his arm, and, not having any bandages on hand, simply places his glove on
directly over top of the cuts. His face is a complete mask of indifference
throughout this entire procedure, as if it were something one does every
day.

While standing in the bathroom, he turns to look at his reflection in the
mirror, staring coldly into his own eyes as if challenging himself, almost as if facing an opponent. His fists clench
tightly, and a small trickle of blood starts to drain from one nostril. He
thrusts out his chin in defiance, holding his gaze steady on the eyes in the
mirror. A few seconds pass, and then the other side begins to dispel a crimson
rivulet as well. Sanzo makes a sound as if he's going to be sick, curses, and
turns swiftly on his heel.

XXX

When Goku reenters the room, his hunger temporarily satisfied, it is to find
Sanzo sitting at the table, holding a blood-spotted towel to his nose and
focused absent-mindedly on the little dish of incense burning in front of
him.

Goku can't help wondering why Sanzo seems to like the smell of the stuff so
much, since he personally can't see the appeal. But then again, he can't see
what Sanzo sees in cigarettes, either, so he figures maybe it's just him. Right
now, however, the incense is the least of his concerns regarding Sanzo.

Ever since he went to see the fortune-teller, Sanzo's been acting
weird, to say the least, and it's more than just a little bit
scary. While the sessions were ongoing, he'd seemed mostly just depressed
and tired, but now that they're over, it's different. Sanzo's whole attitude has
changed, and he's more relaxed, too, but somehow... Goku can't help feeling, a
little apprehensively, that it's like the calm before a storm.

XXX

As Hakkai and Gojyo each greet him in their own familiar way, Goku realizes
how good it feels to see them again, and that his time spent with Sanzo must
have been more of a strain on him than he thought. At the same time, he can't
help feeling a little sorry that it has come to an end so soon. It had felt like
they'd been building on their relationship, even working towards a change of
some kind. But now that they're headed back to the old routine, Goku feels a
sinking disappointment at the thought that things might just go back to the way
they were before.

As for Hakkai and Gojyo, they are in good spirits and glad to be reunited as well, after
having to spend so much time doing nothing but wait around in this small, simple
village.

Throughout the cheerful greeting, Sanzo stands quietly off to one side,
observing Goku. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and fusses
absently for a moment with his attire. He has decided to wear the robe, if only
for the space to stash his belongings that it provides. The idea of being
recognized as a Sanzo priest displeases him. The idea of conforming to the dress
code of a Sanzo displeases him even more. Automatically, his eyes once again
seek out Goku, and the sight is somehow a gratifying one.

When the demonic trio turns its attention his way, he crosses his arms and
feigns disinterest.

"Long time no see, monk. But it's about time, man, this village has got to be
the most law-abiding, anti-fun place on earth!"

Hakkai laughs.

"It has been rather a relaxing stop, I will agree! So Sanzo, I trust
everything has been fine with you while we've been enjoying ourselves here?"

"Hmm. Couldn't be better. Now... "

Abruptly, he stifles his words. In the next second, a wickedly defiant grin
reveals a glint of teeth, and he gleefully grinds out the lit end of his
cigarette into his palm.

Everybody winces in response to this unexpected action.

Sanzo is the first to speak.

"So, what are we waiting for? I can already hear the relentless call of the
western horizon."

He is about to turn, when he hesitates and takes a moment to look the other
three over appreciatively, issuing forth a low sound that could almost be called
a purr of approval.

As his scrutinizing gaze passes over each of them, they all respond in turn,
Hakkai with a smile, Gojyo with a raise of the eyebrows, and, in Goku's case,
with a blush. No one is prepared for what comes out of Sanzo's mouth next.

"We have got to be the sexiest bunch of bad ass boys in all of
Shangri-La. Why in holy shit's name are we hanging out in a dump like
this? Let's go!"

Whipping out his gun, he uses it to point westward with a flourish, then
gives the trusty weapon a kiss and tucks it away.

Everybody is just standing there staring at him, without so much as twitching
a muscle, except in the case of Gojyo's dropped jaw. When Sanzo realizes that no
one is following him, he turns around, places a hand on his hip enticingly and
looks the three over again.

"Are you three just going to stand there all day looking moronic, or are you going
to make yourselves useful and come along now?"

Hakkai stirs himself, and the others follow close behind.

"Right, Sanzo, here we go!"

Three sets of eyes are glued to Sanzo's back as his companions follow in his
wake. Each is caught up in his own thoughts and opinions concerning Sanzo's
unexpected display of odd behaviour.

In Hakkai's case, the human-turned-demon's thoughts take on a serious and
contemplative note. He had been hoping that Sanzo would be able to sort out
whatever it was that was bothering him during their stay here in the village,
but now... that seems not to be the case, and, faced with Sanzo's uncharacteristic
attitude now, Hakkai is left even more baffled than ever.

Meanwhile, Gojyo's perverted mind is taking a different train of thought. He
can't help but notice the way Sanzo is walking, as if all that pent up tension
has been abandoned, leaving nothing but the hidden slink he always knew had to
be there. Gojyo just can't help being interested, as he has been ever since he
first laid eyes on the breathtaking young priest. But Sanzo has proven to be
nearly unapproachable and one-hundred percent untouchable, like liquid nitrogen
or a volatile explosive. As a result, that forbidden aspect of Sanzo just makes
him all the more desirable. Gojyo is the first to admit, at times Sanzo can be
one fucked-up bastard, but he'll be damned if he isn't one undeniably sexy
fucked-up bastard.

For Goku, the whole situation is a mixed-up mess of confusion. He keeps
thinking about the secret Sanzo had entrusted with him, and he wants to tell
himself that Sanzo was just joking, except that Sanzo doesn't joke around like
that. He was being deadly serious. Goku knows this, and the implications
are scary. He has half a mind to go back to the fortuneteller and demand to know
just what she told Sanzo. But it's too late for that now. At least the journey
won't be ending anytime soon, so he has some time to try to sort things out. Meanwhile, he feels
guilty, too, because in a way Sanzo has just turned against Gojyo and Hakkai,
and expects Goku to follow along. Can he really not tell them what Sanzo
has planned?

XXX

The trip resumes quietly enough, but everyone is well-rested and glad to
leave the town behind, and it isn't long before Gojyo is up to his old tricks.
He starts teasing Goku until he earns a response, which he knows will most
likely also trigger a reaction from Sanzo, and the usual from Hakkai, and
bingo, they'll be back in business!

The monkey joke technique eventually works on Goku, but it seems to take
considerably more effort than usual to work Goku up to making something out of
it, as if he's seriously distracted. This poses the question again as to just
what's going on in their little group. Sanzo, on the other hand, may as well be
deaf for all the interest he shows in their back-seat antics.

After several such episodes, Sanzo finally turns to Hakkai and makes a calm
command.

"Hakkai, stop the jeep, right now."

Hakkai complies, bringing Hakuryu to a standstill and shutting off the
engine. All eyes are glued to Sanzo expectantly, as he turns towards the
passengers in the back. Casually, with a clear no-nonsense expression stamped on
his face, he aims the muzzle of the banishing gun at Gojyo's head.

"Gojyo, apologize to Goku. I think he's put up with enough of your
bullshit."

No one speaks. A mild gust of breeze picks up and nips playfully at the
suddenly solemn foursome.

All at once, three demon mouths open to either question, comment or complain,
but before they can get a single word out, Sanzo holds up his hand, effectively
silencing them again.

"Hakkai, Goku, stay out of this. I want an apology from the cockroach, you
two needn't involve yourselves."

Gojyo's mind is reeling. What the heck is this?

"Hey, Sanzo, look, Goku and I were just..."

Sanzo increases pressure on the trigger.

"Don't bother telling me. I want you to look at Goku, and tell him
that you're sorry. I don't have the patience to wait all day."

Gojyo looks into Sanzo's eyes for a moment, incredulous, and then, leaving a
small sneer with the psychotic monk, he turns to Goku.

"Fine, Mr. High and Mighty, as you wish. Goku, I'm sorry for arguing with you
and laughing at you. Apology accepted?"

"Uh, yeah?"

Seemingly satisfied with this exchange, Sanzo turns back around in his seat,
making the gun do its disappearing act, and the trip resumes its course.

XXX

This odd event has served to effectively dampen the mood in the jeep, and
even Gojyo is quiet, now, not wanting a repeat performance of that.

Hakkai, glancing from the corner of his eye at Sanzo, notices a drop of blood
running down Sanzo's lip, and does a double take. He wordlessly offers the
priest a tissue, indicating his own nose as a hint. Sanzo just looks at him with
an expression of alarm, and then snatches the tissue and brings it to his face.
Glancing at him again, Hakkai notices for the first time that there seems to be
a dark stain under the arm of Sanzo's left glove. By the look of it, it appears
to be blood.

It isn't long before Sanzo calls another stop for a break. Exiting the jeep
and going off on his own, the first thing he does is light for himself some of
his special incense.

The others eye him from a distance, but do not approach. Hakkai takes Goku
aside.

"Goku, did something happen in the village to upset Sanzo? Or do you know why
he wanted to stop there in the first place? Has he said anything at all to you
about anything unusual?"

Goku looks at the ground, up at the sky, anywhere other than at Hakkai.
Although uneasy, reluctant, and unsure of what he should say, guilty concern
almost makes him want to spill everything. But then... he finds himself gazing
over at Sanzo where he sits, looking beautiful and maybe a little bit lost, and
Goku feels a kind of defensiveness rising up to usurp the previous hesitation.
He faces Hakkai at last.

"No. There's nothing unusual, Sanzo's just in a bad mood, I guess. About the
village, there wasn't anything special there, either, just some fortune-teller
who gave him a free reading. You shouldn't be such a worry wort, Hakkai, you'll
get wrinkles."

Hakkai doesn't press him any further, letting Goku go off to have a snack. He
takes a seat on the grass next to Gojyo, and the two exchange a glance.

"Gojyo, have you ever seen Sanzo have a nosebleed before?"

"No, why?"

"Well, he was having one on the road, just before we stopped. He didn't seem
to take it very well. Another thing, he seems to be wounded. There's blood on
his sleeve. I wonder what could have happened that they aren't telling us about?
And why keep it from us?"

"Hakkai, what do you think's up with that stuff Sanzo's burning? It smells
like crap. Besides, he doesn't usually bother with stuff like incense. And, what the hell
was up with the whole apologize to Goku thing? It's enough to make me
wanna pulverize the bastard monk."

"It is strange. We'll have to wait and see what comes of it, and, hopefully
things will blow over."

Gojyo just snorts and turns his blood-red gaze away from the direction of the
man in question.

XXX

Night arrives, and the group stops to set up camp. Nothing else out of the
ordinary has happened, besides the uncommunicativeness shared between them, and
a lot of suspicious glances being cast about from one to the other.

When Sanzo goes off to the stream nearby, Gojyo contemplates for a while, and
then makes up his mind to take the risk of speaking with him. He stands and
follows in the other's footsteps down to the stream.

Sanzo is kneeling down by the water, having removed his gloves, and seems to
be in the process of washing them. Remembering Hakkai's earlier words, Gojyo
checks out Sanzo's arm for signs of injury as he approaches stealthily from
behind.

What he sees takes him by surprise.

"Shit, Sanzo. What happened to your arm?"

Sanzo turns, annoyed and startled at first, and then apparently settling into
boredom.

"This? I guess you could say I decorated it."

"You mean... you... you did that to yourself?"

"It's not your concern."

Gojyo shakes his head, feeling a little sick at the sight of the word carved
into Sanzo's skin, at the thought of Sanzo intentionally taking a knife
to his own flesh, and he finds he can't tear his eyes away from the morbid
sight. He can't quite even place the various feelings that tumble through him
now.

Concern? Anger? Revulsion? Something else?

"Man, Sanzo, why?"

"I said it's none of your concern."

"I wish it wasn't, but I'll be damned if... if I'll let a friend get away with
something like this without a good explanation."

"For Buddha's sake, Gojyo, do you have to go getting all melodramatic on me?
And who ever said anything about us being friends in the first place?"

Anger momentarily takes dominance.

"You are even more messed up than I though you were, you stuck-up freak.
What's that little decoration supposed to mean, anyway?"

Sanzo regards him coolly for a moment, gauging the level of unchecked emotion
raging in the half-breed's eyes. Then he stands, facing the taller man.

"In what way does what I choose to do with my body concern you?"

"It concerns me when you choose to mutilate and hurt yourself."

"I didn't mind the pain."

"Then it's even worse than I thought. Sanzo... "

"Gojyo."

The way Sanzo says his name shuts Gojyo up. Why is Sanzo speaking so calmly,
so casually, about such a serious matter? Where is Sanzo's pissy attitude? Where
are the bullets? And what is with him cutting himself up like that and then
acting as if it were nothing?

Sanzo steps up to Gojyo, challenging him with his eyes, engaging him in a
silent face-off that Gojyo isn't even sure how to break. He is at a lose as to
what he can possibly say in order to get through to Sanzo.

Sanzo cocks his head to the side, his expression dangerously unreadable, and
proceeds to capture the front of Gojyo's shirt within one tightly clenched
fist.

"I ask again. In what way does my body concern you?"

Sanzo's next move nearly kills Gojyo from shock.

He kisses him.

For a moment, Gojyo doesn't respond, so taken aback is he by this unexpected
action. Then, something inside reacts, and he starts to return the demanding
kiss that Sanzo has begun. In the next instant, he fully realizes what's
happening, and another reaction is triggered.

Gojyo roughly pulls Sanzo in closer, and bites down hard on his lip. Sanzo
responds with a growl of protest, and then promptly finds himself forced to the
ground as Gojyo grabs him by the hair and twists his arm behind his back. Sanzo
spits out a curse at his captor, struggling in his hold.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, huh, Sanzo? What is the
matter with you? You think you can just... just... that I'm just going to
forget about that nice little decoration on your arm? You need
some help, man. And if you won't accept it from us, then I don't know where
you're gonna find it, because there isn't anyone else on earth who can tolerate
your shit like we can, Sanzo. And sometimes, sometimes I wonder why we
bother at all."

He shoves Sanzo to the ground and walks back to camp, nearly shaking with
anger, not looking back to see the dark look in the stormy violet eyes that
follow his retreat.

Back to index

Chapter 7: This is My Fire, So Let Me Burn

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 7

This is My Fire,
So Let Me Burn

The next morning, throughout the entire procedure of breakfast, packing up
and climbing aboard Hakuryu, the tension between the four companions is so tight
it's almost enough to be labeled a choking hazard.

Sanzo is silent and distant, as if totally oblivious to the presence of his
companions, with the exception of Goku, whom he seems to be paying a little
too much attention to, at least for Gojyo's liking.

Gojyo, himself cranky and glum, happens to be keeping a very watchful
and suspicious eye on Sanzo's every move. As a result, he finds himself becoming
quite uncomfortable with the way Sanzo is looking at Goku. As his surveillance
continues, and he actually witnesses Sanzo smile at Goku, he is downright
disturbed. Since when does Sanzo ever smile at Goku? Since when does
Sanzo ever smile, period? It's not even a normal smile, as far as Gojyo is
concerned, but some twisted Sanzo version of a smile gone bad. That's how
wrong it is.

What's worse is the effect it seems to have on Goku, who has been stealing
glances in Sanzo's direction all morning. In response to that devilish smile,
Goku's face had flushed beet red and he had suddenly seemed very nervous, maybe
even upset. Gojyo's thoughts darken as he is forced to wonder just what Sanzo is
up to. He doesn't even want to consider the possibility that Sanzo might be
trying something weird with Goku, but he's not willing at this point to put
anything past the priest.

In fact, of the four, Hakkai seems to be the only one who is at least willing
to pretend that everything is okay. He speaks to everyone as he usually would,
makes sure everything is in order, and does his best to keep things together in
some semblance of normality. Thank goodness for Hakkai.

XXX

They drive steadily for several hours, eventually entering a sparsely
forested area with a narrow track serving as a road. It seems like a nice area,
quiet and green, and Hakkai slows the jeep somewhat just to give them all a
chance to admire the soothing scenery and hopefully calm some obviously frayed
nerves at least a little.

A bird flies over top of the moving vehicle, calling out shrilly, but no one
pays it any heed. As they approach a turn in the road ahead, however, leading
towards a more densely tree packed area, a scream suddenly pierces the air, and
the occupants of the jeep go on full alert. Hakkai picks up the speed, heading
straight towards the direction of the sound. Three sets of eyes, in green, red,
and gold, stare intently ahead, waiting to see what will come into sight.
Meanwhile, a pair of violet eyes take on a dark shine, seeming to fix themselves
on some internal plane of existence, and then set sternly in a look that is as
emotionless as stone.

Hakkai brings Hakuryu squealing to a stop as they round the bend and the
situation at hand is finally revealed to them. There, on the road, is a horse
and wagon, surrounded by approximately half a dozen demons. In a heartbeat,
Hakkai and the others take in the full extent of the situation that faces them,
and they are ready for a fight.

A human family is under attack. The man and the woman already lie dead and
bloody on the side of the track. It is too late to help them, but the children
can still be saved. There are two of them, a boy and a girl. The girl is
currently the one screaming, as she is being yanked out of the wagon by a
vicious, burly looking demon. The other child, the boy, is obviously injured,
having fallen from the wagon and subsequently been trampled underfoot by the
horse.

The demons pause in the middle of their gruesome activity upon the arrival of
the jeep, but their alarm is quickly replaced by apparent nonchalant confidence
and excitement. The burly one, most likely the leader, wastes no time in
speaking out.

"Well, well, lookey what we have here. Looks like this is turning out to be
our lucky day. Seems we getto ransack not one, but two vehicles in one
day! Now ain't that somethin' else?"

The entire troop bursts out into loud and mocking fit of laughter, obviously
meant to be menacing, but falling miserably short as far as Goku and Gojyo are
concerned.

The two share a quick look, and then smirk, turning keen and battle ready
eyes upon their foes. Gojyo gives his head a toss, clearing his long hair from
his face.

"Ah, I see the local hoodlums in these parts obviously haven't heard about
our reputation. What do you say about giving them a little update, Goku, or on
second thought, how about a full length lesson?"

"All right!"

Hakkai decides to get in on the action, as well.

"Now, now, teachers must exercise discipline, not violence! However, in this
circumstance, I think a small exception might be in the agenda."

The demon gang seems somewhat taken aback by the bold front being presented
to them, but they aren't about to back down. They begin to jeer and toss out
mindless insults at the new arrivals, still feeling themselves to be in a
superior advantage and not aware of the identity of their adversaries.

Sanzo takes this opportunity to stand up in the jeep. His clear and
commanding voice cuts through the commotion to attract the attention of his
comrades.

"This is no business of ours. Hakkai, take Hakuryu straight through. Use only
what measures are necessary in order to make passage. Leave the rest. I say
again, this is a waste of effort and is not our concern."

Not taking his eyes off of the demons, Gojyo responds to Sanzo in a disgusted
tone of voice, indicating that he doesn't give a damn about Sanzo's opinion in
this particular situation.

"This happens to concern anyone who is actually capable of feeling.
Why don't you go play with your little knives, Master Priest Sanzo, and
we'll take care of the part that actually requires a conscience."

Crack.

The little girl in the lead demon's clutches hangs limp in his arms, her neck
having just been broken. He tosses her body to the side, freeing his hands to
fight.

Without further delay, weapons are summoned forth, and Goku screams out a
battle cry as he and Gojyo rush into action. Hakkai prepares a chi burst,
letting it fly.

Sanzo watches the scene for a moment, his face blank. He touches a hand to
his face beneath the nose, and checks his fingers for signs of blood. When they
come away clean, a flicker of a frown crosses his forehead, and then his eyes
widen. Slowly, a satisfied, corrupt smile steals upon his lips, and Sanzo begins
to laughs. The sound is short and shaky, almost forced, as if in response to a
situation that has turned out to be so bad, that one might as well laugh because
one knows that otherwise, all that's left to do is cry. This is laughter that
speaks of pure surrender to utter hopelessness, as much as it is an expression
of pure relief finally obtained.

The laughter ceases as quickly as it had begun, and Sanzo levels his gun at
his intended target with deadly intent

XXX

Goku notices Sanzo's movement in the jeep, and his heart lightens at the
realization that Sanzo will lend them a hand in this after all. Of course he's
not as cold hearted as Gojyo accuses him of being, of course not.

The gun is fired, and in the next instant, Goku's own heart freezes
absolutely solid.

For Sanzo has just shot the little boy lying injured amidst the band of
demons.

Sanzo's next words reach Goku's ears through a haze of shock.

"Now there's no more need to waste time here."

Disbelief, complete and totally unfathomable disbelief, nearly makes Goku
forget that he is in the middle of battle. He screams, a blood curdling,
throat-searing scream, and finishes off his opponents while barely even
registering them in his mind.

The demons summarily destroyed, Goku, Hakkai and Gojyo are left standing by
the wagon surrounded by corpses, encircled by a scene of bloodshed, carnage and
death.

Gojyo's eyes are livid red pools of pure hellfire when he turns them from the
little boy's corpse to Sanzo.

"What did you do?"

Standing in the jeep, gun still at the ready, Sanzo faces the other three in
a moment of grim silence.

Goku is the one to speak next. When he does, it is only to say one word, a
familiar name, in very unfamiliar circumstances. His voice is small and hoarse,
almost pleading in tone.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo casts his eyes to Goku, and his coldly murderous gaze appears to soften
as he does so, lingering upon Goku like a tender touch of comfort. His response
is almost gentle, and seems to be directed at Goku alone.

"The child was seriously injured, possibly crippled for life. Possibly beyond
saving."

Gojyo cuts in harshly, but is unable to complete his sentence, so overcome by
outrage and disbelief is he.

"That doesn't give you the right to... "

A few heartbeats of unbroken silence, and Sanzo concludes his answer to
Goku.

"The world does not need another orphan."

Gojyo is looking angrier by the second, while Hakkai's expression is
terrifyingly blank and steady, focused intently on Sanzo. But as for Goku...

Goku looks at Sanzo, hears his words, sees the evidence of his actions, and
still sees... only Sanzo. Not a psychopath, not a monster or a murderer,
but only Sanzo. He looks at Sanzo and asks himself if what he sees is nothing
but darkness, a black hole that gives off no light and no warmth, but that is
not the answer he finds.

Goku's eyes settle into a tranquil sea of liquid gold, and a feeling of peace
and acceptance replaces all fear and doubt.

For in his eyes, Sanzo is still shining as brightly as the sun, with a light
that draws him in like a beacon whose brilliance sets his very heart and soul on
fire. Even now, Sanzo still holds the only light he needs, the only light he
wants, and he will follow it, even if the fire burns him alive in the
process, even if it proves to be the very fire of hell. In his eyes, there is
only his Sanzo, his sun, his always and everything.

And Sanzo needs him, now more than ever.

Goku closes his eyes, and a feeling of dreaded certainty washes over him like
a tide of black night. Even if he had gone blind right at this moment, he would
still know what is to happen next.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo are in agreement without even needing to share a single
glance or a solitary word. Each man knows what the other is thinking, and
that the thoughts are in accord with his own.

Sanzo needs to be restrained. He needs to have the gun removed from his
possession. He needs to be controlled. He needs to be treated like the
maniac he has surely become.

Hakkai knows his aim must be perfect, even when using the lowest energy
intensity as possible, or risk taking Sanzo's arm away along with the weapon in
his hand. But Hakkai is always precise, in everything that he does, and this
should be no exception.

To Goku it seems as if everything is happening in slow motion, as Hakkai
sends a chi attack in Sanzo's direction.

Sanzo senses the impending attack, and fires. The bullet streaks away from
the barrel of the gun, and finds it's mark in Hakkai's chest, even at the same
time as Sanzo's weapon is ripped from his hand by the force of the energy, and
he is sent flying from the jeep.

Hakkai falls to the ground with a gasp of pain, but the gunshot has altered
his perfect aim. Sanzo has been grazed in the side by the powerful blast.

Gojyo screams Hakkai's name, afraid for his friend, but he is not sure of the
extent of Sanzo's injury, and must retrieve the gun. There is also his other
reaction, the one that almost makes him angry with himself for thinking it at a
time like this, but which still cannot be denied. This is the thought that tells
him that he must put priority on Sanzo's safety above all else, and Gojyo cannot
even begin to explain where this comes from, and so he does not even attempt to
try. He merely reacts, moving towards Sanzo without hesitation.

Goku does not remain idle, and his reaction is based on instinct rather than
on rational thought. At this point, he is beyond rational thought.

Wielding his staff, he races to intercept Gojyo. His half-demon companion
turns to meet his attack, but it is already too late, and the staff finds
connection with Gojyo's body. In the moment before impact, Goku has a chance to
glimpse the expression on Gojyo's face, and it strikes at that outer, rational
part of him that has since shut itself down by necessity.

Gojyo's eyes speak of shock and betrayal, but they harbor no anger for Goku,
or hatred, or even regret. What he sees in those red, red eyes is...
acceptance. Simple acceptance.

Gojyo cries out as bones crunch and organs bruise, and he collapses to the
ground in a gasping heap.

"Gojyo, I'm sorry, but..."

Gojyo gags and spits out a mouthful of blood, and through his pain-contorted
features, he smiles.

"Goku... remember what... you once said. 'What do I fight for? For myself... who
else.' So, no hard feelings... kay? No matter what... happens... "

As Gojyo begins to struggle to stand, Goku leaves him and rushes to Sanzo's
side.

XXX

Gojyo struggles to reach Hakkai, and finds to his relief that the green-eyed
man, though injured, has not been banished by Sanzo's infamous gun. Hakkai needs
help, as does he. Goku is running with a one-track mind at the moment, Gojyo
realizes, and he knows that they can't count on him to see sense or reason. In
fact, for a moment back there, Gojyo was almost sure that Goku was on the verge
of going berserk. Thank all the gods in Heaven that that, at least, had
not happened.

Gojyo drags Hakkai to Hakuryu, laying him in the back seat. He takes one more
glance at Goku, now crouched by Sanzo's side, and then takes off in the jeep,
intending to head back to the village and seek out a doctor's assistance.

At the sound of Hakuryu's engine, Goku raises his head and listens, but he
does not turn to watch as his two friends drive off into the eastern
horizon.

TO BE CONTINUED

Back to index

Chapter 8: Embrace of the Stars

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 8

Embrace of the Stars

It's a good thing that the horse is an old, reliable one, so familiar with
the task of pulling the wagon that Goku doesn't really have to do that much.
He likes animals, but he's never had an actual horse under his care
before, and trying to deal with a difficult animal isn't something he needs to
worry about right now. It had turned out well for them, in the end, that the small
wagon was available and free for the taking, despite the circumstances involved.

Night has come, bringing with it a brilliantly patterned blanket of stars.
Goku has tied the horse as best as he knows how, and the creature is quietly
grazing nearby. He sits now in the back of the wagon, with an injured Sanzo
lying at his side. Goku had searched the deceased family's belongings and
luckily came across a first aid kit, which he has made use of in attempting to
tend to Sanzo's injury.

The wound itself is fairly nasty looking, as far as Goku can tell, but luckily the blast has only slightly grazed
Sanzo on the side, so it doesn't seem life threateningly serious, or anything to
that extent. He realizes thankfully that Hakkai must have toned down the level
of his attack considerably in this instance.

Even so, the result is a large burn-like patch on Sanzo's skin, like strong
acid has eaten away the flesh there, and it goes deep, as well. The wound is
angry, red, bloody and brutal. Somehow that description reminds Goku of Gojyo,
and he feels a pang of loss at the thought of his two friends, wondering
how they're making out, and if Hakkai is even okay. Only fleetingly does this
pass through his mind, however, as he has other matters of importance to attend
to now.

Sanzo has regained consciousness, and is quietly resting next to Goku, his
head pillowed on a rolled up blanket. Goku has bandaged the wound and done what
little he can, all he can do now is watch and wait, and try to offer whatever
comfort he is able to. Gazing at the stars, he rests one hand on Sanzo's
stomach, near the bandage, perhaps hoping that some good intent will pass
through him and find its way to the sight of distress. But he is not Hakkai, and
he knows that this is beyond his power.

He tries to avoid all thoughts of the day's earlier events, and in truth they
do not concern him as much as he might have thought. What's done is done, and
this is the outcome. What does it really matter to him now why Sanzo did what he
did? They have both made their choices, and he has no patience for regret. Did
Gojyo himself not tell him the same thing, even in the face of betrayal?
Betrayal. An ugly word, but there is one person in this world whom Goku would
never even dream of betraying, and that man is presently safe at his side.

He is aware that Sanzo is watching him, and has been for most of the time
since his awakening. Sanzo looks tired and dazed, as if on the verge of slipping
into unconsciousness again, but remains aware of his surroundings. He softly whispers Goku's name, the first thing he has spoken since
this afternoon, and Goku immediately turns his full attention towards his
saviour.

"Goku. I think... it's finally almost over. I think I've nearly lost, but that
means I've also won, doesn't it? It feels strange. I wanted to keep fighting, to
resist, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to just give in. I feel
so free now. So free. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with saying goodbye
to everything that hinders in a life? Why do I keep trying to fight it, Goku?
What's the point?"

"Sanzo, I don't get what you're saying."

"No, I don't suppose you would. Tell me, little monkey, why do you stay by my
side?"

Goku focuses on his hand where it rests against Sanzo's skin, and doesn't
know how to reply. Why does he stay by Sanzo's side? Because Sanzo is his life,
his universe. But how do you tell someone something like that? After an extended
moment of silence, Sanzo makes a small sound of disapproval.

"Goku, Goku, Goku. Are you keeping secrets from me? Naughty little monkey. I
thought there were no secrets between us."

He raises a hand and places it on Goku's knee, giving it a light squeeze and
then letting it rest there.

"Sanzo, there's things you're not telling me, either. Like what happened with
the fortune lady. And why do you keep getting those nosebleeds all the time.
Plus, you've been acting weird. And today... "

He trails off, suddenly feeling like a nosy child, prying into sensitive
issues that are perhaps better left untouched. He feels ashamed for admitting
that he doubts Sanzo. How could he ever harbor doubts about the nature of such a
brightly shining light?

"Goku, do you doubt me?"

Goku startles, feeling as if Sanzo has read his mind and seen into his
heart.

"Haven't I always cared for you, my Goku? Almost since... the time when you
were born, when you were first brought to me. But that wasn't even really me,
was it? And that me didn't want you, at first. But then... I died, didn't
I. I left you, and they put you in that lonely place and left you there to wait,
and wait, and wait... Until finally I was born, and you still had to
wait. You had to wait until I could hear your cries. Little monkey, crying so
desperately. So desperately, little monkey, so alone. Poor little monkey all
alone."

As Goku listens to Sanzo's words, which gradually fall into almost a singsong
tone, he grows more and more confused, because not much of what Sanzo is saying
is making any sense, and what was that about Sanzo dying? He
suddenly feels apprehensive and afraid. He can't listen to this anymore, he just
can't.

"Sanzo! Stop it, you don't make any sense. And you're not going
to die, okay? Cause I'll take care of you. Besides, you're not hurt that
badly. So just stop it, okay, Sanzo, please just stop it."

Sanzo chuckles softly, somewhere deep in his throat, and Goku pouts.

"And don't laugh at me, either, I'm being serious."

"Serious doesn't suit you. Monkeys like to have fun all the time, and play
and eat, and jump around with their little friends, and then eat some more... "

"Hey! I said stop teasing me, I really am being serious, now. Aren't I
allowed to be serious sometimes?"

"No. That's my job."

"Well, your doing a pretty lousy job of it right now."

"You want serious, Goku? I'll give you serious. Oh, I'll give you dead
serious. Listen... we shall deliver the scripture west, and together we shall
watch the world tumble down at our feet into the depths of hell, and we shall
laugh in the face of the Merciful Goddess herself, and live for ourselves alone,
because we shall have no need of anyone but each other, and we shall dance the
dance of a true nihilist, and sing the song of an unburdened heart. And we shall
be free... "

For the first time, the thought crosses Goku's mind that maybe Sanzo has gone
totally insane, and he wonders why the idea never occurred to him before. But
Sanzo is looking at him with those eyes of his, and those eyes have only ever
been rational and wise and intelligent, right? Maybe a little unbalanced, at
times, but insane? A person can't just go insane overnight, can they?

"Sanzo, what did you talk about with the fortune-teller?"

"Nothing. She showed me. She showed me the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help me god. And it was too much for him to handle,
that Sanzo who sat in the chair on his own. The Sanzo who left the chair,
he didn't have to face it alone, he had some help, and now he doesn't
care. He just doesn't care anymore, and he knows what he wants. He feels fine.
He feels free."

Goku decides to change the subject, not being able to take much more of this
cryptic talk that unsettles him so.

"Sanzo, your lip is cut, too. Sorry, I just noticed."

"Gojyo. Blame Gojyo. He has nice sharp teeth."

"Gojyo? What the heck was Gojyo doing with his teeth on
your lip?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Well, yeah. I am kinda interested actually."

"Why don't you make yourself useful then and kiss it all better for me, my
silly little monkey?"

Goku tenses, and then takes a breath.

"You mean... like this?"

So he bends down and places a light kiss on Sanzo's lips, wondering why he
should have felt nervous about something that feels so right.

"Mmm... that'll do, for now."

Sanzo's eyes are beginning to drop shut on and off now, as if he's having
trouble keeping awake, but doesn't want to let himself slip into sleep just
yet.

"Goku... "

"Yeah?"

"Can't you take the pain away? I think you're the only one... who can."

"I'm no healer, Sanzo, I did the best I could, but it's just gonna take time
for the wound to heal. I'm sorry if it hurts."

"No, no Goku. Not that, I can barely feel it. I mean the pain here,
inside."

He places his hand on his chest over his heart, and Goku suddenly feels as if
his own chest is hurting, constricting with a deep kind of emotional pain,
almost too much to bear.

"Can you help me, Goku? Can you take the pain away, even just for a little
while? Soon, I know I won't feel it anymore, my heart, my soul, they'll be sterilized. They'll be dead. But
it still hurts now, Goku, it hurts to feel the soul dying inside of me. Can't
you make it stop? Goku.. can't you help me?"

Sanzo's whisper is so soft now, that if Goku were human he would not even be
able to make out the words, and even though Goku can hear them, he doesn't know
what they mean. But he can hear the pain in Sanzo's voice, and see it in those
beautiful eyes. He wants to comfort Sanzo, to reach out to him and let him know
that he isn't alone. He wants to offer him something, some assurance that his
Goku is here right by his side, through everything, and won't be leaving anytime
soon, no matter what may happen.

He ends up surprising himself with what he decides to do. The hand that he
has had resting comfortably on Sanzo's stomach slowly slips lower, softly
caressing the smooth, pale skin, until it reaches the top of Sanzo's jeans.
Then, tentatively, carefully, he unbuttons, and then slowly unzips. The sound of
the zipper seems to fill the entire night sky. Sanzo does not protest, and only
one word escapes his lips, like nothing more than a release of breath it is
spoken so very softly.

"Please."

Goku does not hesitate any further, but slips his hand inside Sanzo's jeans,
and Sanzo replies to his touch with a sigh, so
he continues what he has begun, and as the man at his side responds further,
indicting his pleasure and release, Goku's starry night is replaced by nothing
but Sanzo, who is his universe, the very burning center of his
universe.

Afterwards, he lies down next to Sanzo under those glittering stars, just
resting his head on Sanzo's chest and listening to his precious heartbeat, with
one hand gently stroking his skin in a comforting touch, and watches over him
as he sleeps, until he, too, slips into the realm of dreams.

Back to index

Chapter 9: My Pain is Your Pain

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 9

My Pain is Your Pain

Gojyo drives at breakneck speed, desperate to get Hakkai back to the village.
It doesn't take long, however, for it to dawn on him that they will need help
long before they ever manage to get that far. As well, he doesn't know how much
longer he can stay conscious and focus on the road.

The events that had brought them to this current state had happened so fast
and so unexpectedly, and with such deadly intensity, that it's hard to believe
that they have actually had to leave behind two members of their group. Even
though unsure as to the severity of Sanzo's injury, at least, for now, they knows
that Goku will look after him. Goku is more than capable of protecting Sanzo
from external threats, but what about protecting Sanzo from himself? Can Goku do
that? Can Goku keep him from falling any further into the shadows that seem to
be intent on overtaking him?

His vision blurring and his hands slipping on the wheel, Gojyo's last
thoughts before his body finally gives in are for Hakkai.

When he finally slumps down in the seat, Hakuryu transforms. Flying back and
forth over the still bodies of his companions, squealing repeatedly in distress,
he eventually begins to widen his flight path, going higher, and his keen eyes
begin to scan the surrounding area for any signs of life.

XXX

Probably only luck and good timing are to be thanked. That, as well as good
old Hakuryu's faithful devotion and determination, of course. As it turns out,
however, Hakuryu searches, and finds someone very unexpected, and in the
circumstances, very welcome. Hakuryu greets her almost like a friend, for he
remembers certain previous encounters.

So, Hakkai and Gojyo find themselves brought to the village upon the back of
a flying dragon, by a friend who is not a friend, and they are soon bandaged,
treated and recovering. Demons are strong. Their bodies won't take long to heal.
They are already beginning to consider their next move. Of course, they will go
after Sanzo and Goku. How can they not? Their place is with Sanzo in this
mission. They will see him safely through even if it is the last thing that they
ever do.

Though they aretroubled by the knowledge that Sanzo had been hit in the
attack, and the fact that they are unsure of the condition they had been forced
to leave him in, they can only count on Goku. For the time being, that will have
to be enough of a consolation, for it is their only consolation.
Except...

They now have a possible source of information as to their current
predicament, and are currently engaged in a solemn discussion with their
unlikely companion.

"Miss Yaone, Goku mentioned that Sanzo had seen a fortune-teller in this
village. This in itself struck me as somewhat odd. Sanzo isn't the type to get
taken in by something like that. We were thinking it might possibly have
something to do with his recent unusual behaviour."

Yaone speaks.

"From what you describe, it seems my fears may be true. I had hoped I would
find the information to be merely a false rumour, but now... May I accompany you
in your investigation? I was on my way here to search for evidence of truth for
myself anyway when I came across your dragon. I think I might have an idea of what's happening, but I want to be sure. I may be able to offer you some insight,
but please be forewarned, you may not like what you hear."

XXX

Together, engaged in a temporary alliance, the improbable threesome begins to
search for leads as to where this mysterious fortune-teller can be found. It
isn't easy, as no one seems to know anything about such a person. Strange,
considering the small size of the town. If something exists here then it should
be common knowledge.

After combing the village in an exhaustive and seemingly fruitless effort,
they finally turn up a hint. Someone happens to mention that a new resident in
the town, a reclusive woman who sells herbs and the like, including incense,
reminds them of a type who might be into fortune-telling, but that that isn't a
service the woman offers, at least not that they are aware of.

Incense.

This could be what they're after, and they waste no time in finding the
mentioned location.

They find the place unattended and unlocked, and so proceed to let themselves
in. The smell of the different substances that greets them is strong, but not
unpleasant. Not like the pungently putrid smell of the incense Sanzo had been
burning. Also, alarmingly, it does not cover the thick scent of death permeating
the air.

Pushing their way through the curtains into the next room, the source of the
smell is revealed. The body of a woman lies on the floor, dressed head to toe in
green, and judging by her posture she had been trying to crawl towards the door
just before death. There is a pool of dried blood beneath her head, and a swarm
of flies is busy at work. Bending down, Gojyo lifts the veil she wears over her
face, and averts his eyes at the sight that is revealed. Yaone gasps, covering
her mouth with her hand. The woman's face is forever distorted in an expression
of horror, and there is blood caked around her nostrils, and down her face.

A moment of grim silence is shared, as they consider the implications of
their discovery. Next, a thorough search through the herbal items, which seem to
be disturbed somewhat, as if someone has been doing the exact same thing before
their arrival, soon reveals an odour matching Sanzo's incense. Yaone looks over
the substance with concern spreading over her face.

The incense and bleeding from the nose definitely seem to connect Sanzo to
that dead woman, but so far it is still a mystery to Hakkai and Gojyo. They look
to Yaone now as the only key to possibly solving it.

XXX

Goku and Sanzo's journey continues, with just the two of them heading
westward. To Goku, it almost seems as if time has stopped, that's how tranquil
the atmosphere has become. Sanzo is still recovering, and remains resting in the
back of the little wagon that has become their refuge. He has been mostly quiet,
except for sometimes speaking oddly about things that Goku can't make coherent
sense out of, and so he just listens, and doesn't ask.

Although a calm has seemed to descend upon the pair, Goku still can't shake
the feeling that it is an omen of worse to come. It scares him that he has no
idea what Sanzo has on his mind, what he might do next, as his behaviour has
been so bizarrely erratic and unpredictable of late. But he doesn't know what he
can do except keep going, take care of Sanzo as best he can, and wait.

It turns out that he doesn't have to wait long. Only once since parting from
their two companions does Sanzo suffer another nosebleed, this time only a tiny
dribble, and Sanzo does not even bother to break out the incense at all. After
this episode, Sanzo begins to grow restless. He becomes more insistent in his
requests for Goku to help ease his pain, to which Goku willingly complies.

Until, Goku's premonition of impending trouble actually comes to pass, and
things change.

XXX

Goku finds himself waking in the night, with an odd and eerie sense of deja vu causing him to go instantly on edge. He had fallen asleep in their little
nest in the back of the wagon, with Sanzo's arms around him, but now Sanzo is
gone, and he is alone with only the smell of blood.

He jolts alert, feeling like he is awakening to a nightmare. He climbs from
the wagon, calling Sanzo's name into the darkness, scanning frantically and
following his sense of smell.

Finally, overby the brook, he finds Sanzo crouching on the rocks by the edge
of the water. Goku allows himself to breath a small sigh of relief, but does not
yet swallow his apprehension. He approaches.

Sanzo is facing away from him, towards the water. He is shivering and naked,
his skin and hair soaking wet. Goku calls his name questioningly, and in
response he turns to face Goku.

Goku is stricken to the very bone by what he sees.

Sanzo's eyes are glazed, and he holds his little pocketknife in a tightly
clenched fist. His priest's robe lies discarded at his side, and has been torn
and slashed into pieces. Worse, his body is covered in cuts and gashes, the
letters on his arm from the previous episode re-carved. On the opposite arm he
has engraved another word:

U N H O L Y

His hands are covered in blood, and his skin is smeared with the glistening
red liquid.

This time, Goku's bursting heart does not react to the fear by trying to
escape. This time he rushes forward and drops to his knees in front of Sanzo,
taking a hold of his wrist and wresting the blade from his possession.

Oh, if only he had thought to confiscate this horrible implement of harm, but
he had not, and now it is too late.

"Sanzo! Oh, Sanzo, what did you do? Why, Sanzo, why?
Tell me, Sanzo. Talk to me!"

He drops the knife and takes a hold of Sanzo's other wrist as well, blood
coating his palms from the wounds. He gives Sanzo a good shake, trying to get
him to focus on him. And suddenly, he does. His eyes meet Goku's directly, and
seem to clear a little.

"Goku? How much will it take, Goku? How much will be enough?"

"Sanzooo! Please just stop! I can't... I don't know what I'm
supposed to do! Sanzo?"

Sanzo seems unaffected by Goku's outburst, and Goku releases his hold on him,
throwing his own hands down instead to his knees as he kneels on the rocks. There is a moment of nothing but shaky breathing and stillness, and then he raises his head at the sound of
Sanzo's voice.

"Goku, how much will it take to cleanse myself of this... holiness. How
much blood must be shed? I don't want this soul, Goku. No. It belongs to
Konzen, not Sanzo. It doesn't... fit me."

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, and then smiles sadly at Goku.

"Goku... my Goku...¦ you are the only thing... the only thing I have to hold onto.
The only treasure I have that has any worth. Not the scripture... not my title...
not even my own existence. Only you."

"Sanzo?"

"Goku, if I were to hurt you, would it be enough then? Could I wash out my
soul... if I used your blood? Mine doesn't work, Goku. It's not enough. If
I were to hurt you... would you let me, Goku? Would you let me hurt you?"

"Sanzo? Why do you need... "

"Please, please help me Goku. Only you can do it, only you. Will you
help me? It hurts. It hurts so much."

His heart breaking with his longing to relieve Sanzo's torment, Goku scoots
forward and wraps him in his arms.

Sanzo kisses Goku gently on the top of his head, and then leans forward,
easing Goku down onto the rocks, straddling his body and caressing him with
blood-smeared hands. Then, he picks up the blade, and as he presses it to Goku's
skin, Goku feels himself go numb.

Through the stinging numbness, he thinks that if only he can take away
Sanzo's pain, then everything will be okay, and if to do that, it means he has
to take Sanzo's pain upon himself, then maybe that's okay too. Maybe that's
okay.

For he will follow the light of his sun, even if its fire burns him alive
every step of the way.

When he feels the blade cut into his skin, he closes his eyes, and deep
inside, he cries.

Back to index

Chapter 10: Lost in Orbit

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 10

Lost in Orbit

Hakkai and Gojyo have their full attention on Yaone now, prepared to listen
to whatever information she can give them regarding their situation. In this
case, differences must be put aside, and they must put trust in what she has to
say.

She looks unsettled and disturbed, as though a dark shadow is clinging to her
heart. What's more, there is sympathy in her eyes, and a sorrow that speaks of
tragedy, and it is this that causes her audience to clench their hearts in their
chests as they wait for her words.

"I had a suspicion that something was being planned, something involving a
psychic who was being prepared for some kind of assignment. I didn't like the
sound of it. So when I heard that she was being sent to intercept your party, I
became alarmed. Now that I have heard your story, and seen the evidence for
myself, I believe I know what is going on. I will tell you, because this whole
situation doesn't sit well with me, and if I were in your place... But, although I
can give you knowledge, I'm afraid I cannot offer anything in the way of
hope."

She pauses, as though hesitant to go on, until Hakkai gently encourages her
to continue.

"If... if a skilled and powerful psychic can search the soul of an intended
target, and find something sensitive to grasp onto, something painfully
significant, and force it to the surface, then... the resulting spiritual shock
can create a tear, or an opening. This in itself is damaging, perhaps beyond
possibility of repair, this digging through the fragile nature of the soul to
bring forth what was safely buried. But, if the psychic is carrying a form of
dark magic that has been implanted in her mind like a dormant seed, and one
which will prove fatal to her, then... once this opening has been created, the
seed passes from the psychic to the victim, and implants itself within the
vulnerable, freshly wounded soul, much like a virus, or an infection. It spreads
quickly, and produces a kind of sickness of the soul."

Hakkai and Gojyo share a concerned glance. A sickness of the soul? In
that case, then at least there should be a cure, right?

Yaone seems almost as if she senses the turn their thoughts are taking, for
she shakes her head sadly, and then continues.

"The subconscious resists the attack, usually causing physical effects, such
as bleeding from the nasal passages. But the virus compels the victim to crave
and seek out the scent of a particular herb, one that will work to lull the
subconscious and suppress its strength to resist. As I said, this affliction
spreads very quickly. It works to corrupt and break down the protective walls
that the mind builds up around the dark side of the soul. This darkness is then
released, allowing the expression of hidden desires, tendencies and thoughts
that have previously been repressed. At the same time, the virus offers
resistance to things that have been injurious or hurtful to the spirit of the
victim, such as denial, or fear. Inhibitions and moral obligations may no longer
be an obstacle."

Yaone pauses in her explanation to take a shaky breath, preparing herself to
say what she must.

"Gradually, the affliction takes permanent hold, and the nosebleeds will stop
as the resistance is weakened enough to completely succumb. At this point, there
is no chance of reversing the effects. The victim becomes a sick, twisted
version of the former self, with the soul effectively turned inside out to
reveal its dark and hidden inner lining. I have heard that the process is a very
painful and difficult one for the victim to endure. However, after it has run
it's course and taken root, it becomes easier. There is no more inner struggle
between what is allowed to be expressed and what must be repressed."

She casts her eyes to the ground, and her final words are spoken with sincere
regret.

"I'm afraid there is no known remedy for this unnatural and cruel
affliction."

Hakkai and Gojyo remain silent as they absorb all that they have heard.
Finally, Hakkai speaks.

"I see. Miss Yaone, I'm afraid we have one more favour to ask of you. Will
you please leave us now to attend to matters here, with your assurance that
there will be no interference from your people? Things would likely get very...
unpleasant if Kougaiji were to seek to try and take some kind of
advantage of this situation. Goku especially is not willing to put up with any
kind of intrusion. Do you understand?"

"Yes. And I... I'm so very sorry."

XXX

After Yaone's departure, Hakkai and Gojyo remain quiet for a long time. They
simply sit, Hakkai with his hands folded in his lap and Gojyo with his head in
his hands, lost in thought and utterly shaken by the grim truth just imparted to
them.

At last, Gojyo raises his head, carefully tucking his hair back and out of
the way.

"Hakkai, what would happen if one of us were ever to totally lose it? If we
fell into the same state as the demons we always have to kill? What if, for
example, we hadn't been able to restore Goku when he went berserk? Is there any
doubt in your mind as to what Sanzo would do then? Do you ever doubt that he
would... release us?"

Hakkai meets his friend's eyes with a growing realization pricking at his
heart. He shakes his head slightly, and offers his reply.

"No."

A small smile, devoid of any humour, comes and goes quickly across Gojyo's
lips.

"Me either. I think it's almost like an unspoken promise between all of us.
That he would put a quick and merciful end to it, rather than let any of us live
like that. But... we never considered it from the other perspective, did we? Do
you think... Sanzo wants to live like that? Doesn't he deserve the same
treatment as what he would give us?"

Hakkai finds he has become very aware of the sensation of his own pulse
rushing throughout his body, of the rhythm of his own breath and heart. What is
this stillness that seems to be descending upon him, this sense of certainty?
What is this terrible, dreadful calm? Hakkai tries to shake it off, but his
reply feels almost as if it were coming from somewhere very far away.

"Goku would never allow it. He won't let us anywhere near Sanzo now."

Gojyo sighs and nods in agreement.

"True, and if it does have to end this way, I don't think Goku's gonna take
it. It'll change him. Either way, we'd probably have to put Goku down as
well."

"We may not be able to."

"Then we die trying. For his sake, and Sanzo's."

"I can't believe we're even discussing this. Gojyo, is this real?"

"No. This is a nightmare, and I think... I think we might not ever wake
up."

XXX

How can such a warm embrace feel so sharp? How can something so
intimate be so destructive, or something so beautiful, be so
painful? How can something that should be perfect, hurt so
much?

Goku wonders these things, and it saddens him, yet he does not feel used or
abused, because he is always willing. The words sick, morbid, wrong,
never once cross his mind, for this is not about pain, this is about taking
the pain away. If he himself must suffer, this is merely an insignificant side
effect of the remedy for Sanzo's inner agony.

So when Sanzo gets carried away, as he sometimes does, and cuts too deep, Goku
will only whimper, and never protest. When this happens, Sanzo will kiss him
tenderly and sooth the wound with his tongue, and whisper words of comfort in
Goku's ear in a soft caress of sound and breathe.

And there is always afterwards, when Goku will hold Sanzo in his arms until
the tormented man falls asleep, and Goku is assured that, at least for a little
while, he is at peace.

Goku's life feels so different, now. Gone are the carefree days and
lighthearted jokes. No longer does he have the luxury of voicing his complaints
of eternal hunger, nor does he have a group of supportive companions to share
his trials with. There is only himself and Sanzo, caught together in a strange
new world of pain. But there is also certainty here, and belonging, for he knows
that his place is always at Sanzo's side, no matter how many shadows they must
pass through. No shadow can ever be as dark as a world without Sanzo. The very
thought is unbelievable, the idea unacceptable

"He took me away from that dark, dark place without light. He gave me a
world much, much more brilliant than the sun."

Now it is his turn to rescue Sanzo, and he will use everything that he has in
his power in order to do so. Once, Sanzo said that he had heard a call, and
answered it, but now, Goku feels like he is the one who must answer a call,
except that it is not a voice that beckons him, but a beacon of light. And he is
afraid, because what if that light should dim? What if it should fade away? Then
there will be nothing left but emptiness, and darkness.

Goku is afraid of that darkness.

He wants to protect Sanzo. But what if he isn't strong enough? Sanzo pleads
for his help, for him to take the pain away, but what if... what if he is unable?
What if his blood is not enough? What will Sanzo do then? What else does
Goku have to offer?

Goku begins to feel a desperation rising up. It slowly eats away at his
courage, at his sense of reason, perhaps even at his very sanity. His universe
now consists of one man, who is the sun, and he revolves around this alone, in
an intense, single-minded orbit. Everything else is beginning to blur, because
he is spinning so fast, and has become so dazzled by the light.

At this point, he will do anything to keep the sun in the sky, no matter what
the cost may be, no matter what price he must pay. No matter how much of himself
he must lose in the process.

Even if Sanzo must bleed him dry.

Back to index

Chapter 11: Release

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 11

Release

Goku sits with his knees drawn up, watching as the sun sets on the horizon.
As he watches, he is not so much thinking anything in particular as he is simply
lost in emotion. He feels a sense of fear, one that seems to grow in intensity
as the sun sinks lower and lower in the sky, promising to disappear from view
altogether in just a short while. Sunsets have come to frighten him of late, as
has the darkness of night that always follows.

He hears a shift of movement behind him, and turns with a flood of relief.
Sanzo is awake at last, and he will not have to face the sunset alone.

"Sanzo? Come an' sit with me."

"Are you watching the nasty sun again? I swear, one day the silly little
monkey will burn his eyes blind, and then there will be only darkness, forever
and ever and ever."

"Don't say that, it's not nice. Just... come over here, please? I don't wanna
be alone."

With a mumbled groan of agreement, Sanzo crawls his way over to Goku's side
and leans snuggly against him.

Goku breathes a sigh of contented relief, greedily soaking up his presence.
There, it's not so bad now, he thinks. Let the other sun sink as far away as it wants, for
he already has one of his very own.

"Goku, why do you feel so drawn to the sun? Can its fire not be too vicious
at times?"

"But the earth couldn't even live without the sun."

"So you don't deny its potential for cruelty, then?"

Goku frowns. Sanzo's words are starting to confuse him again, and he feels frustrated that he can never seem to understand. Is Sanzo trying to tell him something important?

"I'm sorry, Sanzo, but I don't get it. I'm just a stupid monkey,
remember?"

Goku rests his head on his knees, wondering forlornly why he can't just exist, without
having to worry and think so much. It's hard, this being responsible, being
reasonable and always trying to understand things. Why can't life be just a
little bit simpler?

"Ah, but even monkeys have souls. Goku, don't you ever wish you could leave
behind all the burdens that come with carrying the soul's load?"

Is Sanzo talking about death? Goku almost has the urge to cover his
ears, except he would never want to shut Sanzo out in that way.

"Goku, listen. I woke up just now, and I could feel it. The
difference. The pain is gone now, all gone. My soul feels so light. I
barely feel it at all. It feels wonderful, Goku. Perfect. Clean. Free."

Goku raises his head hopefully. Did Sanzo just say what he thinks he just said? Is he really...

"Sanzo, you mean... you don't hurt anymore? Are you... are you sure?
There's no more pain, at all?"

"No, it's been washed away. It feels wonderful."

Goku turns and carefully places one hand on each side of Sanzo's face, as if handling something so precious that to touch it is almost an act of worship. Long and hard, he looks
straight into Sanzo's eyes, searching for any evidence of
pain in their violet depths. His heart is racing, afraid to believe,
afraid to hope, because what if it isn't true? He's worked so
desperately to try to erase the terrible pain in Sanzo's eyes, but nothing has
helped, and he feels so worn out.

Sanzo matches the intensity of his gaze, and neither moves as this curious
investigation takes place.

As Goku looks into Sanzo's eyes, he can see something swirling in
their midst. Something he can't name, but no, he can no longer see that raw,
overflowing pain that had already broken his heart so many times.

Is it really over?

Suddenly, Goku is struck with pure joy, just completely unadulterated
elation.

Hot tears begin to stream down his face, so overcome is he with relief. He
presses his lips to Sanzo's in a kiss of celebration and devotion, as if in a
last desperate attempt to swallow up any last, hidden traces of pain from within
the other.

Sanzo allows this over-enthusiastic display of emotion, and responds by
slipping his arms around Goku. Their two bodies, now marred with fresh scars and
all the hurts that still haven't healed, find themselves entwined in an embrace
that is finally not one born of pain, but of freedom.

Goku eventually breaks off the kiss for one more look, just to be sure. What
Sanzo says seems to be true, but what then is that something that he is
sure he can see swimming around within those purple pools? There's almost
something frightening about it, something not quite right. But Goku doesn't
care. Right now, he couldn't care less.

He is about to engage in another kiss, but before he can do so, he finds his
hands being firmly gripped and removed from their position.

"Goku, be still. Listen. I wish you could share this feeling, this freedom.
I'm sad for you, my Goku, because you have to keep suffering like you do.
I want to release you, so you can join me. Will you let me release you, my
little Goku? Will you trust me enough to let me decide what's best for you?"

"Course I trust you, you know that. But I don't know what you
mean."

"It's so simple, Goku, I only want you to be free."

"I am free, aren't I?"

"No. Let me show you. Close your eyes."

"Sanzo?"

"Trust me. Now close your eyes. Don't open them until I tell you to."

So Goku squeezes his eyes shut, trusting in his Sanzo to know what's best,
because he doesn't have a clue what Sanzo's talking about, and he's so
tired of struggling to understand.

He feels Sanzo moving away from him, hears him stop a short distance off.

"Open your eyes, and tell me what you see."

Goku snaps open his eyes, and the shock of what he sees stuns his mixed-up
heart.

For Sanzo has the muzzle of his gun pressed up tight against his own head,
his finger squeezing dangerously down upon the trigger.

"Sanzo, no, what are you doing!"

He begins to rise in order to go to Sanzo and stop whatever insanity he has
in mind, but Sanzo kills this impulse with his next chilling words.

"One more step, and I'll shoot myself dead, Goku. Do you want me to do
that?"

Goku freezes, beginning to panic.

"I though you said you weren't hurting anymore? Why are you... do you
want to die? Sanzo?"

"Shhh... Just tell me what you see."

What does he see? He sees Sanzo, his Sanzo, holding a gun to his head. His
Sanzo wanting to kill himself and splatter his own brains all over the ground as
if it were some kind of a game, right in front of his very eyes. He sees...

"Pain. I see too much pain. Sanzo, please... I can't stand it
anymore... "

His eyes begin to shed tears again, but this time they are not tears of joy,
but tears of grief, helplessness, confusion, tears of torment.

"Don't cry, Goku, My little Goku. Do you see what I mean now? You are
not free, are you? Do you see that now? You are still bound by the
fragility of the soul, still bound to pain. Let me set you free, Goku.
Let me set you free."

Goku is allowed one brief flash of relief as Sanzo turns the gun away from
himself. He is forced to watch, then, as Sanzo instead points it directly at him, aiming for the head.

His mind goes blank, all coherent thought unexpectedly caught off guard.

In the next instant, Sanzo pulls the trigger.

Back to index

Chapter 12: Perfection

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 12

Perfection

"Let me set you free."

With these words, one bullet is released from the barrel of Sanzo's gun.

Goku, with tears streaking his face, stands in shocked confusion as he faces
the unbelievable.

"Why do you feel so drawn to the sun?"

The golden coronet around his head glints dully in the fading light as the
lead pellet approaches without hesitation, discharged by Sanzo's own hand.

"One day, you will burn your eyes blind, and then there will be only
darkness, forever and ever and ever."

Impact, shatter, release.

"Let me set you free."

XXX

Goku has one final moment of horror to realize what Sanzo has done,
intentionally, as the broken halves of his coronet fall ominously to the
ground. He tries to speak, to call out Sanzo's name, reaching out his hand
towards the one who still shines, but the name catches in his throat, and
becomes instead a scream.

The last thing he sees, before his vision goes completely black, is the
brilliant intensity of those stormy violet eyes, and that ever present, bright,
beautiful aura that in his eyes always seems to surround Sanzo with a radiant
glow of light. Then his world begins to change.

Thoughts, memories, ideas, all begin to swirl together in a crazy spiraling
vortex of confusion and chaos, ripping apart his mind from within, restructuring
and clearing it in the process. Who he is, where he is, what he is doing here,
all begins to shrink away, to coalesce and alter.

His body changes. Ears, nails and teeth all elongate and sharpen into points.
His hair becomes a long, wild mane cascading down his back. Goku feels himself
slipping away into a dark, small place, locked tightly away from the world he
has known and loved, and soon, all light is lost.

The scream dies out as his mind finally stills and calms, and the world
suddenly comes rushing back. But everything is so different now, so clear. There
is no more confusion, no more tears, no more pain.

He opens his eyes, slit pupils cutting across cruel, wicked gold. Intensely
alert, he licks his lips, tasting the air. Hunger. That is the first
thing that floods his awareness. Restlessness. Everything is so crisp,
speaking to him in a language that no longer has need of words.

A strong scent catches his attention. The scent of life and warm flesh, laced
delicately with the distinct aroma of fear. His eyes snap towards the source of
the enticing smell. The horse, tied up nearby. The animal is beginning to fret,
tugging at the rope and lifting her hooves with a growing urge to flee.

Goku smiles. He does not remember that he has given this animal a name. He
does not care that this creature has served him well over the past days. He does
not now even consider the horse beyond the fact that it is alive, and has a
smell and a pulse, and that this excites him. He only wants to revel in that
odour, to find the source of that pulse that calls to him so enticingly.

Without hesitation, there is a flash of movement, and he is upon the helpless
animal. Through a flurry of bloodlust the horse is assaulted and torn apart
alive beneath Goku's savagery. When the glorious heartbeat stops, and no longer
calls to him with its throbbing beat, he trails his claws over the still warm
flesh, monster eyes riveted upon the sight of the fresh blood that this brings
welling to the surface. He brings one hand to his lips and laps up the blood,
letting its taste stir and invigorate his own wild heart, feeling his own pulse
thundering in his keen ears.

He feels alive, he feels free, he feels powerful. He tilts back his head and
howls, long and triumphant and utterly uncontained.

XXX

Sanzo's aim is true, his target breaking apart and becoming a thing of
discard. He watches, transfixed, as if witnessing a miracle, while Goku begins
to transform before his eyes.

This new Goku is the most beautiful, perfect thing he has ever seen, and now
he falls to his knees in absolute wonder and awe at the sight.

Goku, his hands currently tearing into the chest of his kill to find the
heart, suddenly turns his head, gazing sharply upon Sanzo. His pulse still sings
with the desire to kill, to destroy. He growls softly in his throat, but, his
immediate need to kill satiated by the horse, he simply smiles, and allows
himself the pleasure of toying with this new prey.

Sanzo gazes upon Goku, their eyes locked, and what he sees is his own death
looking back at him.

Ah, and such a death! It will be ultimate release, the purest kind of
cleansing for the last vestiges of the soul. For this is his Goku, reborn and
reshaped into the very essence of perfection. Death in such a way can only be
beautiful, a gift in return for the freedom he has given to Goku. He is ready to
embrace this perfect gift.

A feeling of euphoria thrills through his body as he opens his arms in
welcome and in praise, his eyes glazing over in longing as he tilts back his
head to expose his throat, never breaking his hold on those golden eyes that
will momentarily consume him.

XXX

Goku pauses suddenly in his intent, cocking his head to the side. Something
about this new victim strikes him still with curiosity. For strangely, and
unexpectedly, what faces him now is a total and complete absence of any fear
whatsoever. Not a trace. Neither is there even so much as a spark of any will to
attack, to defend, or even to flee. He listens to this creature's heartbeat,
then, trying to pick up some hint as to its nature, but the pulse that sings to
him is almost like a lullaby, so calm is its rhythm.

As he hesitates to regard his victim in such a way, something begins to
register dimly in his mind. A flicker of recognition filters through. As he
listens, the lullaby pulse begins to soothe him. Gradually, the instinct to
attack, to kill, to rip to pieces with an exhilarating rush of hot blood, is
lessened, stilled.

Goku begins to approach, slowly, almost cautiously, except that he is not
afraid. The kneeling creature does not move, flinch or try to escape. He simply
waits and watches, his arms open, vital organs totally unprotected, as if in
offering. Soon Goku is within inches, and wastes no time in starting his
exploration. He tests Sanzo's scent, circling him slowly as he does so. He
discovers that his own scent is here as well, and that puzzles him, but also
somehow pleases him. He touches the fine blonde hair, and finds that this
pleases him as well. He yanks out some of the strands, letting them fall from
his fingers in fascination. The fair-haired creature under his scrutiny does not
even react as this small act of violence is inflicted.

Goku's lip twitches, and he strikes suddenly at Sanzo. Not hard, but enough
to leave a small scratch upon the attractive face. Still no reaction. Still no
fear. So Goku pounces, knocking Sanzo to the ground, and crouches over his prone
body. Still nothing.

Another moment passes, and neither moves. Goku senses no tenseness at all in
the vulnerable body beneath him, and when Sanzo reaches up a hand in wonder, to
trace his fingers over one finely pointed ear, Goku senses no threat in the
movement, and so he allows it, only snarling a faint warning in response. His
body responds instinctually to that touch, without his conscious decision, by
turning his head to press his face into that questing palm, wordlessly demanding
the caress to continue. His body trembles slightly with the pleasure derived
from this simple contact. Goku bends his head, tasting the drop of blood that he
has caused to stain the skin of this rather interesting creature. Suddenly, with
the feel of the warm body beneath him, the taste of the blood upon his tongue,
the gentle caress, the scent which surrounds him and... this brightness
filling his awareness, a new kind of instinct is triggered.

The instinct to protect, the instinct to possess.

A soft purr starts faintly and hesitantly in Goku's throat, and quickly
swells to a deep rumble of content, as all his senses and awareness are focused
on his newfound object of affection.

Sanzo senses that now, for the time being at least, he will not be granted
the death he was expecting, and this in itself is also wonderful, yet another
kind of miracle.

He begins to speak softly now to the monster pinning him down, as he strokes
the hair upon a head now no longer hindered by the weight of a solid band of
metal. His voice is breathy, almost delirious, as he pours his vision of
darkness into a pair of golden eyes and purely demonic ears.

"Ah, Goku, my little Goku, you feel it now, don't you? The freedom,
the release. Yes, my beautiful, beautiful Goku. I'm so very happy for you
now, that you were able to join me. Together, just you and I, we shall walk the
earth as two perfect beings who have escaped the weight of the soul, and all its
terrible pain. Together, we shall be like two divine creatures of chaos,
and we shall take the scripture west, and bring a cleansing upon the land. We
shall worship only each other, and we shall burn in a fire of our own making,
and we shall be free."

His lets his breath hum in his throat for a moment, as if trying to match
Goku's purr.

"Ahh, Konzen, I have done it. Are you not pleased? I have freed him,
forever, our own Goku, and together, we shall defy the Heavens which have
forsaken us all!"

Sanzo laughs a laugh that is more like a gasp of ecstasy, and Goku answers
with a growl, sinking his sharp teeth into Sanzo's neck in a bloody kiss of
bonding.

Back to index

Chapter 13: Unholy Sanctity

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 13

Unholy Sanctity

If you were to catch sight of Sanzo now, making his way ever westward on
foot, you would probably think him a solitary traveler. You would, of course, be
dead wrong in this assumption. If by chance your intent were to try to take
advantage of his apparent vulnerability, you would discover that he is more than
capable of defending himself. Most likely you would not even get close enough to
see the deadly glint in his eyes, before you would find yourself the recipient
of a fatal gunshot wound. And believe me, in his current condition, he can't be
relied upon to let you off with just a warning, even if you are
completely human.

On the other hand, it may be instead that you would come to realize that he
is not alone, after all. This is even more unfortunate for you, because
in this case your death will not be quick and easy. No, not at all, for you will
find yourself set upon by the beast which is never far from the journeying
monk's side. Your life will become but a temporary amusement for its
bloodthirsty whims, and it will be angry, because you have ventured to
trespass upon its own territory, which includes anywhere within the vicinity of
wherever either it or its human happens to be passing through. And it will be
savagely enraged, because you have committed the double
transgression of also daring to threaten the creature it has claimed as
its very own.

If this describes your current situation, then your own screams of terror
will be the very last thing you ever hear, and you will die at the feet of a
priest who does not read sutras for the dead, but instead sings lullabies to a
murderous beast with golden eyes.

XXX

Goku seems content to follow along in the path set by Sanzo, as he does not
care one way or the other, or even know the meaning of the idea of a
destination, or a goal. For Goku, there is only living, no matter
where that may be. Living, and of course also killing.

Although he is usually not far off, Sanzo knows he is following.
Occasionally, he will hear the animalistic howls and the shrieks from somewhere
in the distance, which speak of his presence. Goku will pick up Sanzo's scent
when he wants to return to him, and his keen ears are always tuned to the sound
of potential danger. It thrills Sanzo to know that he is being stalked in such a
way.

When Sanzo must stop to rest or to sleep, burdened by his human body as he
is, Goku will often come sniffing his way over, curling up next to Sanzo with a
purr, delighting in the contact, making sure to do a complete and thorough job
of mingling their two separate scents together as he rubs up to his human,
demanding to be stroked and caressed in all of his favourite places. And if Goku
is in a playful mood, then Sanzo will find himself pinned and prodded and
nipped, his body wickedly teased into submission by those sharp teeth and strong
limbs. He will not let Sanzo leave their temporary nest until he has decided
that this is acceptable, and he would use force to keep him by his side if Sanzo
were to protest. But he does not ever take off without Sanzo, or force him to
keep going when he needs to stop. He is surprisingly considerate of the
needs of his mate.

Sanzo, for his part, is totally enraptured with this new Goku, entirely
caught up in the wonder that a creature of such terrible beauty as this can
exist, and at his side, no less. He is almost intoxicated with bliss, lost in
the ecstasy of forbidden desires and dangerous union between man and beast.
There is also the fact that at any moment, Goku could turn against him, and
Sanzo revels in this knowledge as well.

Together, they are the very image of perversity, in all its gloriously wild
abandon.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo travel together quietly, trying to take it easy so as to
give their bodies as much chance to heal as possible before encountering their
quarry.

Quarry.

It just feels so wrong to think of Sanzo and Goku in this way, but that is
the hard and unforgiving truth at hand, and they have decided to do their best
to accept the situation for what it is. If even one of them were to start
expressing doubts and weakened resolve, they know they may very well break down
and give up the chase altogether. But really, how could they give up? This would
effectively mean abandoning their teammates, their friends, and they
could never really consider doing this. What other options are there? What can
they do besides either hunt them down, abandon them entirely, or...

If you can't beat them, join them.

A sinister whisper mutters so softly, so far back in the recesses of the
mind, that they have not even really acknowledged or become aware of its
presence at all. But still, they are demons, are they not? How difficult would
it truly be to embrace this part of themselves? Isn't there some hidden appeal
in the idea of the four of them running together as a pack of miscreant
outcasts? The thought evades them still, only just beginning to strain at the
shell that binds it tightly away within the darkest depths of the soul.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo continue on their original westward path in their search,
not knowing for sure whether this is still the path followed by the other two,
but for now it's their best bet, not to mention the fact that there aren't a lot
of other options in the area they now find themselves traveling through.

The jeep rumbles along, engine roaring in a constant drone that they are by
now so familiar with that they barely hear it. The vibration of the vehicle
beneath them feels almost like a part of themselves, they have grown so
accustomed to it.

Gojyo finds himself vacantly viewing the scenery as it passes by, sitting in
the seat once reserved exclusively for Sanzo alone. He can still smell the corrupt monk's brand of cigarette, soaked permanently into the seat cushion. He finds
himself wondering idly why Hakuryu doesn't come with a self-cleaning feature
when in jeep mode, and allows himself a brief pretense of amusement at the
thought. Suddenly, Hakkai slows the vehicle, bringing it to a dead stop.

"Hakkai?"

"I think we've just come across our first clue."

Gojyo follows his gaze, and then he sees it. Some distance from the track,
the wagon that had belonged to the massacred family is parked quietly. They
listen for a time, but no evidence of life makes itself known.

"Well, guess we should go check it out, eh?"

With these words, Gojyo jumps from the jeep, readying his weapon rather
reluctantly. Hakkai soon joins him.

The two make their way over to the horse drawn vehicle, and as they approach
they become aware of the presence of the horse, now dead.

"Holy shit. Something had fun here."

"Yes, and I think we know who it was all too well."

Gojyo turns to see Hakkai crouching on the ground, holding something in his
hand.

"Hey, what did you... "

Gojyo's words die in his throat as he recognizes the object.

Goku's golden coronet, broken in half.

"Oh, double shit."

"I would have to agree wholeheartedly with that sentiment. But our next
question is, what happened to Sanzo? Did this happen as a result of something
happening to Sanzo, or... "

Gojyo finishes off the thought.

"Or did Goku change, for whatever reason, and then take Sanzo out?"

They stare blankly at the broken object for a time, and then Hakkai gathers
himself to speak.

"We should do a thorough search of the area and see if we can come across any
more evidence as to what may have occurred here."

Suddenly Hakuryu, who had been rooting around in the grass busily, begins to
squeal excitedly, trying to get their attention. He has something small in his
mouth.

"What do you have there Hakuryu? Let me see. Thank you. Oh..."

"What the hell is it, Hakkai?"

"It's a bullet, and one that has obviously impacted with something upon
firing. Why is it lying here in the grass, I wonder? What did Sanzo hit?"

"Let me see that thing."

Gojyo studies the bullet, not really expecting to make any discoveries from
this seemingly pointless examination, but still...

An expression of doubt emerges on his face, and then moves on into one of
alarm, and finally disbelief. He looks at the broken coronet in Hakkai's hands.

"Hakkai, you don't suppose..."

Hakkai follows Gojyo's gaze, deciphering his friend's thought processes.

"Sanzo... you think he did this... to Goku?"

"Guess the fucked-up bastard finally graduated from knives to homicidal
monkey monsters."

"Gojyo... "

"Sorry. But if he had a death wish or something, why drag Goku into it? And
where the fuck is the body? Goku should have ripped him to pieces. And Sanzo
obviously didn't restore the monkey, or you wouldn't be holding
that."

"I think all we can do now is continue searching. Perhaps, considering the
lack of evidence, one or even both of them are still alive. Goku at least,
probably is still out here somewhere."

"Man, I guess they'd just be making it too easy for us if they managed to
kill each other off, eh?"

"Now, now, Gojyo, we can't expect them to do all the work for us."

"No, damn that stinking monk and his pet monkey, causing us so much trouble.
But hey, what are friends for, eh, Hakkai? Guess we'd best camp out here for the
night, just in case someone's still around, continue searching tomorrow."

"Agreed. Gojyo?"

"Yeah?"

Hakkai just looks at Gojyo, and the two share a wordless moment filled with
all the myriad things that can never even begin to be said in a situation such
as this. Blood red, emerald green, and in the middle, an entire ocean of
unspoken truth.

"Nothing."

"Yeah. I hear you, Hakkai. Loud and clear. Loud and clear."

XXX

Sanzo's stomach is in knots from ingesting the raw meat that Goku brings to
him. He does not even know if the flesh he consumes is that of some wild or
domestic animal, demon or even human. He finds he does not care, although his
body has ideas of its own as it violently revolts against this new diet. He is
only human, and his body is becoming tired and strained. The wounds on his left
arm aren't healing properly, and his muscles ache everywhere.

Tonight, a storm rages. Goku is off playing who knows where, and Sanzo approaches a small roadside temple, in undeniable need of some respite
from his current lifestyle.

The monks huddle inside the building, listening to the crash of thunder as
the wind rattles the old walls and rain pounds against tightly shut windows.

Visible in the illuminating flash of lightning, a young man appears at their
gate, fair in appearance but wild and bedraggled looking, with eyes even more
turbulent and intense than the storm. His blonde hair is soaked, plastered to
his face. He wears only a pair of faded jeans, and a skintight black top with
gloves to match. Wounds are evident upon the skin that remains uncovered. He
looks dangerous. He looks unlawful. He almost looks insane.
The monks are frightened, and would like to turn him away, but that is not a
very compassionate or Buddha-like thing to do at all now, is it?

"Who are you?"

"Genjo Sanzo."

With these words, the young man flips back his hair to expose the crimson
chakra upon his brow, and takes from a small pouch at his side a scroll, which
he unrolls and drapes across his shoulders.

The monks gasp in sudden recognition. They can scarcely believe the truth in
the young man's words, but the scripture and the chakra definitely speak for
themselves.

With profuse apologies for not having realized immediately whom they were
dealing with, the monks welcome Sanzo into their humble abode. He can barely
restrain himself from the indignity of staggering across the threshold, and once
inside he leans heavily against the wall, feeling sick and exhausted.

After his demands for medicine are met, and a much-needed bath, he
allows his wounds to be treated, ignoring the rather concerned and puzzled looks
of the monks as they wonder over the nature of the injuries. He ensures they do
not ask questions by treating them to one of his more threatening looks.

Someone does risk a question, though, curiosity getting the better of
him.

"Master Priest Sanzo, are you not traveling with three disciples? According
to what we have heard, they are three very faithful followers. If this is true,
we should have liked to have the honour of their presence as well. Perhaps it is
merely a false rumour, then?"

Sanzo finds this more amusing than annoying, so he deigns to answer.

"I have but two companions. One is my own shadow, and the other is a beast of
an entirely different nature."

"A... beast?"

"Never mind. The idea of absolute perfection is fundamentally beyond your
understanding."

At such a response, the nosy monk decides it best to keep his mouth shut from
now on.

Feeling much better already, and finally left to himself, Sanzo relaxes with
a cup of hot tea, listening to the storm outside. He sighs, longing to satisfy a
much-neglected addiction.

"I would kill for a cigarette right now."

He smiles at the idea, but for which part of the thought the expression is
intended, either the cigarette or the killing, it would be hard to determine at
this point.

XXX

Eventually, the monks gather together for the nightly chanting of the sutras,
and Sanzo is of course invited to attend. He isn't sure why he agrees, but for
some reason he finds himself sitting among the monks at worship, having been
given a place of honour right up front by the image of Buddha. He does not
participate, but merely lets the sound of the devout chanting wash over him.

Empty noise, that is all he hears. There is no truth here. No beauty. The
only real truth lies in cleansing the soul of pain, utterly and completely and
absolutely. There is no use in merely putting faith in religious devotion. The
gods are not worthy of such trust, for they never grant such perfect freedom. He
vows silently to himself that he will show the world the error of its ways. He
will let the world taste from the cup of pure chaos, and watch as its sweet
poison purifies the tormented and sorely misguided land.

He is not aware of how insane and disordered his thoughts have become, or how
twisted his reasoning. He is only aware that the sound of the rain no longer
haunts him, that he has finally been relieved of guilt, of sorrow, and that he
feels free. He closes his eyes, focusing on the sounds around him. The
chanting, the wind and rain, the thunder, the demonic shrieking.

Demonic shrieking?

He becomes instantly alert, though he does not open his eyes. Goku is coming
to find him.

XXX

The chanting subsides around him as the ungodly howls continue, overpowering
the voice of the storm, as the creature draws closer to the temple. The monks
look around in alarm, some beginning to stand, looking frightened and
uncertain.

Sanzo simply remains calmly seated, listening to the music contained within
those shrieks, as Goku's song sings in his ears and in his heart.

Suddenly all goes dead quiet, except for the continuous clamour of nature,
and Sanzo opens his eyes, gazing intently at the door. He calls out clearly to
the gathered monks.

"Prepare yourselves for the ultimate blessing. The beast has arrived to
bestow upon you his gift of perfect death."

The monks begin to stir.

"B-b-beast? What beast? What do you mean?"

In the next instant, the door comes crashing down, letting in the full force
of the storm. Something else bursts its way through as well, something far, far
more terrible.

For Goku has arrived in all his lethal glory.

Panic ensues, as the monks realize what is upon them. They try to escape. The
old head monk is able to keep his wits about him a little better than the rest.
He turns to Sanzo.

"You know what this beast is?"

Sanzo smiles.

"Yes. I was once his keeper, but the roles have since been reversed, and now,
he will be your ending."

XXX

Sanzo watches Goku at play, as he gleefully slaughters his catch. When Goku
is about to finish with his last toy, which happens to be the old head monk,
Sanzo calls out to him. He has decided that it would be desirable if at least
one survivor remained, to spread word of this miraculous occurrence. But he does
not control Goku, he is not his master, and in the end it will be up to the
demon whether or not anyone lives, Sanzo included. All Sanzo can do is try to
divert his attention from the old monk.

Goku turns, his eyes flashing as he recognizes the one he is seeking. He
leaves off of his victim, going instead to Sanzo's side. As always, Sanzo
welcomes his approach, reaching out to accept the vicious thing. Goku's eyes
glint again, and he grins deviously, before lunging at Sanzo and setting upon
him with fervid greed. Sanzo's skin is torn as his clothing is shred to pieces
beneath his demon mate's desire to demonstrate his affection and his possession.
Sanzo screams and arches his body, accepting all that Goku wants to give, and
offering all that he demands in return.

The old monk, horrified, thinks at first that he is witnessing the assault
and violation of the most holy and revered figure of his faith, but as he
watches, it soon becomes all too clear that the Sanzo priest is not in fact a
victim, but a willing participant. The last thing the monk sees, before
he wisely decides to make his escape, is an image that will haunt him until his
dying day.

This is the sight of High Priest Genjo Sanzo, eagerly surrendering himself to
a monster's lust beneath the stony gaze of the Buddha. High Priest Genjo Sanzo,
chanting sacred words in a mockery of faith, punctuated only by his desperate
cries of unholy pleasure. Genjo Sanzo, caught in an image of unearthly ecstasy
and demonic delight.

Back to index

Chapter 14: Break My Empty Heart

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 14

Break My Empty Heart

Sanzo and Goku. Between them, obsession is a mutual thing. For the untamed beast that Goku has become, his mad priest is the one living thing whose heart does not beg him to spill its blood with every tantalizing beat, and in fact, so entranced is he by its rhythm, that he instead wants to ensure that it will never stop beating, and for his ears alone. Yet, strangely enough, Sanzo is also the one creature that would gladly offer him his life if it so pleased Goku to take it. The two of them thus find themselves bound together by a connection almost hypnotic in nature.

As Sanzo would describe it, together, the two of them are pure perfection.

He often speaks to Goku of such things, though his ideas and way of expressing them are obviously not sane. His words are either whispered breathlessly while held mesmerized within those terrible eyes, sometimes sung softly when both are at rest, or let loose in a fevered stream of frenzied passion when Goku seeks to demonstrate his claim on Sanzo in a more physically demanding way. Goku does not comprehend the words, but he listens, and he seems to like what he hears.

Now, Goku is awake and at rest, nestled at Sanzo's side on the temple floor. All of his various appetites are comfortably sated, and the demon is as content and relaxed as he can ever be. As he quietly observes the familiar blond creature lying next to him, his wild eyes gleam with pride and satisfaction.

He amuses himself by tracing one claw over the pulse in the pale neck, marveling curiously at the delicate fragility of the living flesh and enjoying the feel of life radiating from the warm body. Sanzo, however, nearly comatose with exhaustion, remains oblivious to his touch. Goku huffs a sigh, sensing that the other won't be ready to move on for some time yet. So he spends a few more lazy minutes in tending to his sleeping mate's damaged and blood-stained skin, bathing and massaging with his tongue, and then rolls over and stretches, cat like, before shaking out his tousled mane of hair and heading outside.

On his way out, he pauses at one of the corpses in the room in order to tear off and provide for Sanzo a nice little chunk of meat, and then he slips through the door. If they're going to be sticking around here for a bit longer, then his task is to do a thorough patrol of the surrounding territory, making sure to clear any potential threat to his very, very pleasing yet rather high maintenance human consort.

XXX

When Sanzo awakens some time later, he groans involuntarily as he discovers that his entire body feels like one massive bruise. He's so stiff and sore, and it's so hard to move, that it's as if he's been made into a permanent part of the temple floor. In fact, that had seemed to be Goku's sole intent at one point in their activities. But at the same time, although he hurts, he's never felt so good, so completely satiated with pure, undiluted bliss.

The pain he feels now is only physical in nature, which can have its benefits, or even be enjoyable, whereas emotional pain is another matter all together. That kind of pain is absolutely unacceptable and must be banished from the soul by whatever means necessary.

When he's finally able to peel himself up off the floor and force himself to stand on shaky legs, the storm from last night has long since passed, leaving a bloody massacre in its wake. At the sight of the meal Goku has set out for him, Sanzo discovers he has no control over his body's reaction as his stomach heaves, violently discharging its minimal contents. He wisely decides to pass up the well intended offering.

In a daze, Sanzo staggers his way through the bloodbath this part of the temple has become. It had not been his intent to inflict Goku's violence upon the monks here; he had simply been seeking relief from illness and in need of rest. In truth he had not bothered to stop and consider the possibility that Goku would come looking for him, even though that should have seemed a likely outcome. However, he feels no sense of guilt or remorse now as he makes his way through the slew of corpses strewn about the room.

He sincerely believes that they were each given the chance to experience a miraculous encounter with the very personification of perfection itself, before subsequently being granted a fulfilling and beautiful death. Besides which, he didn't really like these particular monks very much, anyway. He passes their mutilated bodies by now with nothing more than a cursory glance.

Oh, well. So much for his plan of having a nice, quiet temple retreat. As it turned out, Goku had much more interesting things in mind with which to occupy the night.

After preparing another bath for himself, Sanzo eases his pleasantly tortured body into its embrace. The hot water stings the fresh gashes in his tender skin, which by now has become a living tapestry of various cuts and scars, either self-inflicted or due to Goku's teeth and claws. Soon, the heat relaxes his aching muscles and soothes his weary body, and he just barely manages to drag himself out of the tub and into the room that was laid out for him before passing out into a very deep, very exhausted sleep, hoping to recover some of
the strength lost to him over the past days.

XXX

Unknown to either Sanzo or Goku, the old abbot who had made his very narrow and fortunate escape from death the night before had wasted no time in hurrying his way into the small town not far down the road.

Here, he had quickly spread his nightmare tale of horror, about a deranged priest and his bloodthirsty beast, depravity, murder and mayhem under a stormy sky.

"The Sanzo priest has gone stark raving mad, falling in league with demons and bringing terror upon the land!"

"Genjo Sanzo, the legendary demon slayer himself, has fallen to such a state as this?"

"He is possessed! An evil spirit haunts his soul! It must be so, how else would one such as he allow himself to fall in with a monster like that?"

The townspeople are terrified, for surely the mad priest and his monster will make their way into town and massacre the population here just as they had decimated the monks at the temple. They must do something to protect themselves, but what? How can they prevent a similar tragedy from striking them down in such a gruesome way?

"We must hunt down the beast! We must drive the evil spirit out of the priest! We must set things right! We must save our town!"

The townspeople become riled as they discuss the emergency. Finally, it is decided that they must hunt down the madman and the demon and take it upon themselves to protect the town from this unspeakable threat. So with a show of bravado and a rousing round of cheering, the people are instigated into action, and their plan of attack is set into motion.

XXX

By mid-afternoon, the organized demon hunting party from the village has made its way to the vicinity of the temple. They are frightened and nervous, but deadly determined to eradicate this new menace. They have resolved to stick together, be strong, and above all else, to succeed.

Unfortunately for them, they have no idea what they are up against.

When they reach the temple, the group splits up, some entering the building to search there and the others remaining to search the area outside.

Meanwhile, the abbot, who has decided to attempt his hand at trying to save Genjo Sanzo's lost soul with an exorcism rite, prepares himself for the procedure. The room they will use is the one where the terrible events had taken place the night before, still littered with the evidence of the crimes committed. He is afraid, for the villagers have not seen the demon with their own eyes, as he has. But he must try to help Sanzo. He considers it his duty and responsibility. He will not forsake the young priest's tormented soul by refusing to assist simply out of fear for his own safety.

XXX

Goku soon picks up the noise of the hunting party, perking up his head and smelling the air. A feral smile ignites his face. This should prove to be very entertaining. He begins to move to intercept his intended prey, unaware of the fact that he himself is the target of their pursuit, not that this knowledge would in any way serve to dissuade him from the game that he has in mind.

Inside the temple, Sanzo's deep sleep continues, rendering him so far unaware of the ominous proceedings taking place around him.

XXX

As the temple is investigated for signs of life, finally the search party comes across what they seek. Candlelight glows dimly from one small room, and they cautiously approach. What they see causes them to pause in hesitant surprise, for it is far from what they were expecting to find.

A mat is spread out on the floor, and lying upon it is a young man, lost in sleep and blissfully unaware of the presence of intruders.

This is the priest Genjo Sanzo? This is the man described by the old monk as a depraved lunatic, a homicidal maniac who cavorts with wild beasts? But he looks so vulnerable, so peaceful, so beautiful. Can it really be true?

The young man appears to be sleeping so soundly, that one of the villagers risks bending down at his side, reaching out to push the soft, golden hair away from the face to reveal the presence of the chakra. So it is true, then. The man takes a moment to regard the sleeping priest curiously, still finding the story hard to believe, and as he does so...

What's this? On the neck, are those...

Bite marks?

Pulling back the blanket reveals yet more marks on the fine skin, and the villager finds himself shaking his head at the sorry sight. Under the tense and watchful eye of the other villagers standing in the doorway, he proceeds to administer a mild tranquilizer, and then binds Sanzo's hands behind his back.

Bringing their catch with them, the group returns proudly to the old monk. He can't repress a gasp, remembering the last time he had seen the young priest, and in what circumstances. One villager has two objects in his hand, and sets them out for the old monk to see.

"Look, we searched his belongings and we found these. This is the sacred scripture you said he carries, right? And this... what is a priest doing with a gun? He really must be mad."

Working quickly, they tie Sanzo securely, and the old monk sets to work painting sacred spells for banishing evil upon Sanzo's body. He is nervous, but even so, he manages to keep his old hands steady as he works, and is able to focus on the task at hand.

"Do you see how the spirit has not only compelled him to consort with demons, but also to mutilate his own flesh? This is a clear sign of what we are dealing with. A clear sign. I'm sure I can help to free his soul, I'm sure of it."

Sanzo finally begins to regain consciousness, his eyelids fluttering. As his awareness kicks in, and he realizes that something is very wrong, he struggles desperately to fully awaken, forcing off the last traces of lingering sleep.

As his eyes open and come to life, the old monk and villagers find themselves faced with the full power of his intense gaze. There is pure madness in those uncanny violet eyes, and a terrifying calm. A cold shiver runs its way up the spines of those attending the exorcism.

One man speaks, in dreadful awe.

"Those eyes..."

The abbot replies, his voice shaky.

"Yes, why did I not see it before. Those eyes can only be the eyes of one possessed by the very spirit of evil itself."

The others gasp and look at each other anxiously, finding themselves unable to stare into those vivid pools of madness, for fear that their very souls will be torn apart and devoured in their depths.

Sanzo takes a moment to absorb his situation, and then a serpentine smile slithers its way onto his lips, his eyes gleaming wickedly.

XXX

Goku is almost having too much fun. So many victims to play with! What a delight! He had started out by stalking them stealthily, watching them in their attempts to route him out. He had amused himself at first by silently
extracting someone from the edge of the group, dragging him into the bushes and ripping out his throat

Oh, the joys of tearing open the living flesh!

His appetite wetted, Goku can't resist the impulse to make his presence known. With a bloodcurdling shriek, he tears into the midst of the searchers, sending them scattering in panic. He grins. Now the hunt really begins.

XXX

Sanzo begins to laugh, starting out as a deep chuckle and becoming a crescendo of gleefully evil tones, and then abruptly goes dead quiet. An uneasy silence hovers in the room, and then...

In a voice so low and dangerous that it sounds more like a growl than anything else, Sanzo addresses the old monk.

"You... you were given the chance to witness a true miracle, and this is how you respond? Have you gained nothing from the experience? You are so fucking pathetic. I'd like to see you try your little so called
exorcism."

The old monk, shaken but determined, begins to chant, directing his assistants to set up holy incense in a circle surrounding Sanzo, to contain the spirit should it attempt to leave the body.

Sanzo spits vilely at them when they approach to do so, and they back away as quickly as they can.

The old monk continues to chant, raising his voice to try to drown out the vulgar and twisted language that begins to pour from Sanzo's mouth with ever increasing intensity. He curses them savagely in vivid detail, spewing out death threats and worse in a frenzy of verbal violence and abuse, all the while writhing against his bonds.

Sweat pours off of the old monk, as he concentrates on trying to drive out the spirit, so that he can banish it from the world of the living and rescue the afflicted priest from his living hell.

Suddenly Sanzo stops his ranting completely, unable to continue and left panting from the effort.

"Is... is it over? Did you banish it?"

"I... I don't know."

Everyone peers nervously at Sanzo, not quite sure what to do.

Then Sanzo laughs again. This time, the sound is weak but genuinely amused. He raises his head.

"You think me possessed? By an evil spirit? What kind of bullshit is that? I'm not fucking possessed... and even if I were... you're not doing the spell right."

When his captors just gape at him speechlessly, he sneers in contempt at the extent of their ultimate stupidity.

XXX

Goku has hunted down and picked off his prey one by one, each time coming up with a new and more creative way to dispatch his latest victim.

Finally, when he is certain he has found the last one, he begins to head back in the direction of the temple.

XXX

The villagers attending the exorcism are increasing in excitement. The sight of the dead monks all around them has them frightened and horrified, and in their eyes, this Genjo Sanzo is becoming to look more and more like some dark angel of death.

Someone shouts out a suggestion, and a murmur of agreement rises up.

"Forget the magic tricks, let's just give him what he deserves for his crimes, he must be punished for his sins!"

Someone grabs the gun.

"We can use his own weapon to do it!"

Sanzo grins again. The games are over and he knows just how to respond to this new threat.

"You desire an exorcism? Then I will grant you an exorcism, one so beautiful it is almost too good a gift for the likes of you."

Sanzo begins to chant, even as his gun is aimed in his direction.

Suddenly, an inhuman shriek pierces the air.

All colour drains from the old abbot's face, scenes of last night's carnage inflicting his mind. Unable to contain his calm any longer, he turns and runs for his life.

The other villagers remain behind, uncertain. The man holding the gun directs it towards the door instead, staring anxiously as he awaits a glimpse of the beast.

Then, several things happen simultaneously in an explosion of chaos.

Sanzo finishes off his chant by shouting out the final words.

"Makai Tenjou!"

At the same instant, Goku leaps through the door, and the gun goes off, the bullet missing its intended target.

The Maten scripture unfurls in a flurry of activity, catching the gathered humans with its effect. They scream, filling the desecrated temple with the pure voice of terror.

Goku begins to scream as well, for he has not escaped the same fate. So catastophically wild is his shriek that it threatens to pierce the very air itself.

The scripture lashes out with its power, fully released and utterly unmerciful, and the humans soon succumb,
dropping to the floor like puppets with severed strings. Goku is still screaming in agony as it works against him
as well, but his eyes are fixed upon Sanzo, and he determinedly approaches despite his pain.

Sanzo cries out as he realizes what's happening. Goku is caught in his attack. But Goku is still struggling to come to him. Why?

Finally, after what seems like an eternity in slow motion, Goku reaches the place where Sanzo is tied. One clawed hand reaches out, hovering for a moment, and then, with a final snarl, the binding ropes are torn, allowing their captive to fall free. Sanzo catches himself on his hands and knees as he hits the floor. Goku likewise collapses, only to writhe madly. Without thinking, Sanzo crawls forward and grabs Goku under the arms, dragging
the tortured creature out of range of the effects of the scripture's magic.

The room floods with silence as the scripture settles down. The only sound is that of the harsh breathing from the laboured lungs of the only two creatures left alive in this place of tragedy and death.

Sanzo gazes down at Goku, as he holds the demon tightly in his arms, and as he does so a look of puzzled disbelief rapidly grows more pronounced on his face. Goku is looking up at him; his golden eyes are alight even as his body and mind still burn from the spiritual attack just received.

"Goku, why? Why? Why would you risk yourself just to come to me? Why? You must have felt it... the danger you were in... yet you... Why? Why would you do that?"

As if in response, a very soft, shaky purr starts in Goku's throat.

Panic slowly creeps up on Sanzo, and it shows all too clearly even through the fire of madness burning in his eyes.

"No, no, no. I set you free, so you wouldn't have to feel it anymore, the pain. You are perfect, Goku, you should be perfect. So why, why, why, why? Why?"

Something begins to crack now in the delusional reasoning that Sanzo has built up in his mind. For if a perfect being, one who has purified their soul by banishing all of its terrible pain, were to let another creature touch upon that pure unblemished heart, would that not pollute the perfection which has been attained? That attachment and care for another would only open up potential for a reawakening of pain, would it not? Because what happens if something where to happen to the one the heart holds dear?

The answer is pain.

This is the very thing Sanzo had wanted to release Goku from in the first place, so, why?

For the first time since that day when Sanzo had awoken to a new existence blissfully free of pain, he feels doubt.

One word begins to repeat itself wildly in his mind, like an endless litany with no response.

Why?

Back to index

Chapter 15: Rebirth

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 15

Rebirth

Inside the temple, death is everywhere. Sanzo is barely aware of it, so
distraught has he become. Goku lies still, at rest and recovering, and the hours
pass slowly as the dawn of a new day approaches.

As Sanzo sits with the demon, humming to him softly and stroking his wild
hair, all the while his thoughts become more and more jumbled. A terrible
restlessness gradually rises as his distress grows more acute. Eventually, he
stands, pacing the room and muttering to himself incoherently, casting troubled,
suspicious glances at his fallen companion.

His fragile reality is beginning to tear apart at the seams, and the
resulting internal turmoil is intolerable. Unable to contain his growing sense
of unease any longer, he falls to his knees, screaming and pulling at his hair
with desperate fingers. Finally he collapses to the floor, curling up into
himself and whimpering softly.

His world is breaking apart, and all because of his suspicions about the
motives for Goku's actions. He suspects that his perfect Goku has sacrificed
perfection for the sake of another creature, for his sake. The very idea
is absolutely beyond belief in Sanzo's mind, as if Heaven were falling to earth
before his very eyes.

As for Goku, his world has become shaky as well. Memories or thoughts will
resurface in his mind for a moment, only to vanish in the next, and he is unable
to grasp them. He feels like he should be able to, and he wants to, but they are
too complex, to ethereal, and they seem to be always just out of reach.
Desperate for something to hold onto instead, somethingtangible, he turns to
Sanzo's presence, because that at least is one thing that is real, and it
comforts him.

Sanzo and Goku have effectively become mental time bombs, each struggling to
hold onto some semblance of stability in a world that now feels as if it's
breaking apart all around them, approaching an irreparable explosion.

Unable to withstand the pressure any longer, Sanzo rises to his knees and
crawls over to Goku. Goku responds with a faint, choked gurgle as Sanzo lays a
gentle hand upon his cheek

"Goku, listen, listen. I know what I have to do now. It's the only way, Goku, the only way. I will release you for real, and finally you will be free at last. I won't let you live like this, I won't. My little Goku, my Goku, I'm so sorry you can't stay with me, but it's best this way, you'll see,
you'll see."

He quietly rests his forehead against Goku's for a moment, and then gets to
his feet. With a determined step, he fetches his gun from where it lies, and
returns to kneel at Goku's side.

Slowly, gently, he presses the muzzle of the gun against Goku's head, and
whispers a final, fatal farewell.

"I'll take your pain away now, my poor little monkey. I only wanted you to be
free, but it didn't work, did it? But I can still help you... I can still set you
free. It's so easy, just like this..."

His finger begins to press the trigger, but suddenly he pauses.

Time passes, and his hand begins to tremble as it holds the gun. He tries to
force himself to shoot, but he finds he cannot. More time passes. His arm begins
to shake, and before long his entire body is trembling with the effort of his
internal struggle. Finally, with a cry of frustration, he raises the gun and
fires the bullets out into empty space, one by one in rapid succession. Silence
then, until once more, the somber temple walls are forced to endure the sound of
pain, as he just tilts back his head and screams. Long and hard he
screams, until his throat is raw, until he no longer has any breath remaining,
until he finally allows himself to slump across Goku's body, tears streaking his
face.

"No, no, nonononono, why, why, why can't I release you, why? Goku,I... I
can't do it... the pain... the pain won't let me, Goku, the pain. I feel it;
I feel it inside, because... if I set you free, then... I'll be alone, won't
I? I don't want you to leave me. Oh, Goku, it hurts. Why? I thought... I
thought I was free, I thought I had washed the pain away, washed it all away
forever. But you, because of you..."

Slowly he raises himself up again, to look deep into Goku's eyes.

"It's all because of you, Goku. You did this to me, didn't you?
You put this pain inside of me, you hurt me. You are not perfect,
Goku. You are not. And because of you... neither am I."

XXX

Barely even aware of his own actions, but filled with the sudden desire to
escape, to get far away and use distance to break the link between Goku and
himself, Sanzo gathers his things, reloads his gun, and heads out alone into the
early morning light. As he walks, his resolve gradually begins to fall apart,
and delirious confusion envelopes his mind.

Left behind in the temple, Goku comes to realize that the one thing he was
trying to hold onto has just abandoned him. Anxiety unsettles him. Eventually,
anxiety becomes agitation, and agitation becomes anger. After a time, he urges
himself to his feet, and begins following Sanzo's trail in order to catch up
with his wayward mate.

XXX

When Hakkai and Gojyo arrive at the temple, the first thing they notice as
they approach is that the door has been busted in by force. This in itself is
alarming, but once inside, they are silently stunned by the extent of violence
that the gruesome scene represents. Grimly, the words fall from Gojyo's lips.

"This definitely has Goku's name written all over it."

As they make their way through the room, Hakkai's attention is caught by
something on the ground. He grabs Gojyo's sleeve, and the other man turns.

"Gojyo, look. Bullet casings. Do you suppose..."

"Sanzo? But how? Goku should have turned him to mince meat along with the
rest of the poor buggers in here."

"But yet, for some reason, it would seem that Goku hasn't killed
him."

There is a strong note of hope in his voice, and it doesn't go unnoticed by
Gojyo.

"Hakkai, in the end it doesn't matter one way or the other. We know what we've gotta do. Anyway, this didn't happen all that long ago. Whatever Sanzo's up
to, if he's even still alive, if he's in cahoots with Goku or whatever, we
should be able to catch up to them, since they seem to be following this same
route. I say let's pick up the pace, get this thing over with before they do any
more damage."

Hakkai nods sadly, even while conjuring up a smile.

"Let's go then, shall we?"

XXX

As Sanzo's trek continues, he becomes more and more desperate. His originally
intended destination is almost entirely forgotten, his thoughts nearly panicky.
His foot hits a rock on the track, and he trips and falls, crying out in
surprise. He laughs at the sight of the blood on his scratched palm.

"No, blood doesn't work. Nothing works, nothing. Only... have to get away..."

He staggers to his feet, stumbling wearily onward, until the sound of a
familiar growl stops him dead in his tracks.

He turns, and is faced with Goku's angry eyes. For the first time, he feels
fear in Goku's presence. Sanzo begins to back away from the demon, shaking his
head in denial and refusal, panic clutching brutally at his heart and
restricting his ability to breath. He is not so much afraid of Goku, as he is
afraid of how Goku is making him feel, afraid of the threat that Goku has come
to represent to his distorted reality.

Previously, Goku had been perceived by Sanzo as a perfect being, a pure and
god-like creature deserving of praise and blind devotion. Now, however, he has
instead come to represent a mere illusion of perfection that has somehow
concealed the truth, deceiving him while leading him down a path whose ultimate
destination is only a constricting net of endless pain. He must escape this
dangerous illusion, before it once again lures him in, injecting its poison deep
inside his soul to work at melting the wonderful numbness his heart has
found.

He must get away from Goku, now, before it is too late, before his
heart melts completely.

Goku, through his muddled confusion, is aware that Sanzo is trying to leave
him, and for the first time, he senses fear in his mate. For the first time, the
heartbeat he has come to treasure no longer sings to him as it once did. Anger
stirs within him. That heartbeat, Sanzo's heartbeat, it belongs to him.
How dare his own mate try to take it from him now? How dare he attempt to deny
him the connection he so desires? Suddenly, he lunges at Sanzo, knocking him
roughly to the ground.

Pinned forcefully to the earth beneath Goku's body, Sanzo goes rigid with
fear, and he is unable, unwilling, to look into those mesmerizing golden
orbs. He does not want to become caught again within those beautiful, terrible,
hypnotic eyes that he is trying so hard to escape from. Whimpering in protest,
he shuts his own eyes tightly to block out the world, but it refuses to go away,
it refuses, and all Sanzo can do is scream, and scream, and
scream.

Goku reacts by sinking his teeth into his panic-stricken mate's throat,
hoping to calm him in the only way he knows how. Sanzo does relax, almost
immediately, as a new thought is triggered in his mind, a soothing thought that
eases his fear and gives him hope. If only Goku will take his life, then that
will prove that the demon's heart is still free, after all. He will be able to
redeem himself, to keep his perfection, and everything will be all right.
Everything will be fine.

Sanzo's breathing settles and his racing heart slows its pace. Goku's teeth
remain embedded in his throat. Sanzo reaches out, resting his hands upon Goku's
head.

"Goku... please help me... my Goku... I thought we were finally free... but you
hurt me, Goku, you hurt me. You can still... make it right. Just...
release me... please..."

Sanzo pushes down on Goku's head, trying to get him to deepen the bite.

"Please set me free."

Warm blood wells up in Goku's mouth, and he swallows it down, savouring the
taste of his mate's life essence. The bite seems to be having the desired effect
of easing the panicky creature, quieting him so that now he is not screaming but
speaking softly in that voice that Goku has come to crave. Sanzo tilts back his
head, causing the sharp teeth to shift in his flesh, and breaths a sigh of
relief when Goku adjusts his hold on his throat, sinking deeper, and some blood
is allowed to escape. Sanzo wants this, Goku can feel it, but...

Goku always knows the limit of how far he can go, of how deep he can take it;
he knows just how much damage Sanzo can withstand without it causing any real
harm. And Sanzo always wants it. Never before has Sanzo denied him, by trying to
get away from him, to leave him behind. Goku wants to punish his mate this time,
just a little, to let Sanzo know that he won't just let him abandon him. Sanzo
belongs to him; he has no right to leave him like he did. As his bite increases
in depth and pressure, Sanzo relaxes even more, and the pain inside begins to be
forgotten.

All too soon, Goku loosens his hold, and withdraws his attack. He feels
better now, his anger satisfied, and he begins to lap up the steady flow of
blood from the wound.

Sanzo's heart sinks. Goku has forsaken him yet again. Goku is not
perfect, and... and neither is he.

As the realization settles in, the urge to escape is stilled. There can be no
more denying the ugly truth. Instead, acceptance washes over Sanzo in a cold,
harsh wave, and when the initial shock passes, nothing is left remaining but
certainty. This certainty is equally cold, but so very, very calm and crystal
clear.

"Goku... I was wrong. In the end, there is no such thing as... perfection. There is always only pain. I can't... even release you, because it
hurts. And you won't help me, because it hurts you, too. There's only one
way left, but you can't come with me this time, Goku. I'm sorry."

With these words, he places one hand upon Goku's brow, and, amidst a burst of
golden light, Goku's coronet is restored to him, as is his human form. He falls
forward, his head resting under Sanzo's chin.

Sanzo calls Goku's name, softly and repeatedly, until his voice finally reaches the boy, who dazedly lifts his head.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo smiles faintly.

"Goku. I wanted you to know... that I was wrong, all this time I was wrong. I
thought... I thought we could be free together, but... it didn't work.
Nothing worked, and there's only one path left now."

Goku struggles through a haze of confusion to sort out where he is and what's happening. The last thing he can remember clearly is...

But Sanzo is here now, and he's trying to tell him something, isn't he? What is he saying? Goku focuses on the sound of Sanzo's voice, letting it pull him out of the fog that his mind is floating in, concentrating, listening as if his
life depends on it, as if Sanzo's life depends on it.

So intent is he on this voice, that he does not even hear the arrival of the
jeep. He does not even hear Gojyo and Hakkai calling out to him.

All he hears are Sanzo's last words to him, as the man aims his gun at his
own chest.

"Goku... perhaps... death is the only way, after all. My freedom, my final
release."

The meaning of the words still escapes Goku, but he has the vague sense that
something is wrong, very wrong.

"Goodbye, my little monkey. I hope you find... your own way."

With a bang of finality, the gun goes off.

As the blood, wet and red, spreads across Sanzo's chest, Goku comes back to
himself a little, and part of him understands.

"Sanzo?"

The world comes rushing back, though still distant and out of focus. Dimly,
he becomes aware that Hakkai and Gojyo are there at his side.

"Hak... kai? Sanzo... hurts... too much... red...pain..."

Something comes over Hakkai, then, a sudden impulse, and he doesn't stop to
second-guess it. He just reacts, ignoring Gojyo's half-hearted words of
reason.

"Hakkai, it's over. Let it be. You can't..."

Too late. Hakkai already has his hands over Sanzo's wound, the healing energy
doing its work.

Despite everything, Gojyo lets himself hope.

The terrible wound is closed, but the shock to the body is too great.
Sanzo's heart has not started to beat again. He is dying, slipping away, and
then...

He is gone.

XXX

Heaven, five hundred years ago.

Konzen Douji has been troubled by dreams. In these dreams, he sees himself,
only somehow it isn't really himself that he sees. This strange dream world
where this image of his own self lives, it seems so real, and it frightens
him.

At the moment, he is not asleep, but he is still frightened, although the
reason has nothing to do with any dream. At the moment, the dreams are
forgotten, and he is more awake then he has ever been before.

Now, he is frightened because he is about to die.

Pandemonium swirls around him in a chaotic sea of commotion and violence. All
he can do is watch, horrified, as Tenpou and Kenren are cut down before his very
eyes.

He has never seen so much blood. He has never seen death. Heaven is ancient
and gods immortal, and Konzen Douji is afraid of death.

Even more than of death, he is afraid because Goku is being taken from him,
taken from him, and all he can do is scream the boy's name over and over,
even as he is forced to his knees. Still he calls to Goku, desperate, afraid,
calling as if his voice were a lifeline, and he is struggling to make it
reach.

But the sword descends, despite his efforts, and the name is cut from his
throat and washed away with a fountain of blood.

He has died, and what's worse, he has left Goku alone...

Konzen's soul, now banished from its body, exiled from heaven, floats away
into a world of darkness. Here it drifts, suspended, just waiting, waiting...

Until...

XXX

Hakkai wastes no time. He pushes Goku out of the way, and Gojyo helps by
taking the boy into his arms. Resorting to traditional first aid techniques,
Hakkai works desperately to restore Sanzo's breathing and heartbeat.
Finally...

Sanzo's heart jumps, and he takes a gasping breath of air into his lungs.
Life is restored. Sanzo's soul, which was beginning to drift away, comes rushing
back to find his body again, except that something isn't right. Although death
has cured the sickness that has so twisted his soul, the damage has already been
done, and cannot be erased. The result is that something else is erased instead,
and the crimson chakra upon his brow, the mark of one chosen by the gods,
quietly fades away.

Something else is wrong as well. His soul is not alone.

For at the moment of Sanzo's rebirth, something happens in that dark place
where, as Konzen, his soul is drifting. With a violent jolt, it is torn from its
sleep, and ripped into a place and time it was never intended to go. The entire
soul of the universe is jolted along with it, because this was never supposed to
happen, should not be able to happen.

The earth has only ever had one sun, and Konzen Douji and Genjo Sanzo were
never meant to co-exist.

Back to index

Chapter 16: Therapeutic Touch

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 16

Therapeutic Touch

Hakkai and Gojyo have never felt so lost, and yet, at the same time, so relieved.

Yes, they have their companions back, but do they really have them back? Or are Sanzo and Goku so changed, so damaged, that they aren't even the same people they once were? If not, what happens now? Doesn't that bring them back to their original problem? If Sanzo and Goku are beyond saving...

But for the time being, they allow themselves to hope that perhaps everything will be all right, and they are thankful that they had arrived at the tragic scene in time to save Sanzo's life.

Although Sanzo's physical condition has remained stable, they still have no idea what to expect from him regarding his questionable state of sanity. Consequently, they have decided it best to place him under strict control and observation. The gun, of course, was confiscated, and his room contains absolutely nothing he could possibly use to either harm himself or anyone else.

As for Goku, he seems to be traumatized, lost somewhere inside his own mind, and nothing they have tried so far has been able to snap him out of it.

XXX

When Sanzo awakens, the first thing he feels is emptiness. So empty, that he thinks he must be dead. He remembers wanting to die, wanting to be free. He remembers pulling the trigger. He remembers...

Dying.

The next thing he feels is the pain. All the painful feelings he had temporarily escaped from are back full force, with the same old wounds, and the same old ache...

Next, the realization of recent events sinks in. Horror. Shame. Guilt. What has he done? What was he thinking?

Disappointment. Why couldn't he have just stayed dead?

Confusion. Why isn't he dead? What happened?

He sits up in bed, clutching at his chest. No wound. No blood.

Suddenly he becomes aware that he is not alone in the room. He whips his head around to aim startled eyes towards the other presence. Hakkai. Only Hakkai. Then that means...

Sanzo closes his eyes in silent dismay as he realizes what must have happened. Hakkai's voice reaches him softly.

"You're awake. How do you feel, Sanzo?"

How does he feel? He feels... dead. His voice reflects this feeling, his words flat and tinged with regret.

"Why, Hakkai? Why didn't you just let me go?"

"Do you really wish you had died?"

"I did die. You shouldn't have brought me back."

Hakkai moves his chair over closer to the bed. For a moment he just sits quietly, regarding Sanzo seriously. Finally he speaks.

"Sanzo, someone once said to me: 'You can kill yourself if you want to, but your death will change nothing. However, there are some things that will change if you are alive.' Now, who might have said that, I wonder?"

"Don't get cute with me, Hakkai. I'm not in the mood."

"Then, would you prefer I got ugly? That could be arranged, but the results might not be very pleasant."

Sanzo slumps back down on the bed, turning his face towards the wall. A moment of silence fills the room, and then he breaks it with a quiet question.

"Goku?"

"He's not doing very well, I'm afraid. He seems to be in a state of mental shock. I don't know if it has to do with the length of time he was changed, or..."

"It's not that. He was... caught in the attack. The Maten scripture."

"You attacked him?"

"No, not... not intentionally."

"I see. Then, I suppose we don't really know if he will ever fully recover."

Sanzo's fingers grip the sheet uncomfortably, as his throat seems to constrict painfully around a forced reply.

"He's strong."

"Yes, he is. But what about you, Sanzo? Will you ever recover? I'll be honest and to the point. I don't know if you're aware of it, but you're very sick. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally ill. Gojyo and I... you've been lost to us, but now that we've got you back... we don't know if we can trust you again. We can't trust you not to turn against us, not to harm others, not to harm yourself, or... or even Goku."

"I won't hurt him again."

"No, you won't. And if you do, I'm afraid we can't stand for it."

As if totally defeated, Sanzo's body seems to melt even deeper into the bed.

"Sanzo, there's one more thing. We don't know what to make of it, but... your chakra, when your life was restored, it vanished."

With this piece of information, Sanzo goes tense and sucks in his breath.

"Sanzo. Things may seem difficult, but we're here to help you get through it. We won't give up on you so easily, so that means you can't give up either. I think you're stronger than that. Besides, you'd be wasting our efforts if you just quit. If you're willing to go through the process of recovery, if you're willing to let us help, then maybe... just maybe you can get well again. But you'll have to understand and accept that Gojyo and I will be watching over you. You can't be trusted to be left uncontrolled right now. I'm sorry, Sanzo. I hope you understand."

It takes a moment for Sanzo to work himself up to asking his next question, and when he finally gets the words out, his voice sounds so weak, so broken, that it takes Hakkai by surprise.

"Goku... can I see him? My lit... Goku."

"Yes. In fact, your name is the only word he's said. You seem to be about the only thing he can focus on at all. So, probably it would do him good to see you. We wanted to wait until you were awake first, and until I'd had a chance to speak with you."

"Hakkai... I need... to see him."

"I'll bring him in now, then."

When the door clicks shut behind Hakkai on his way out, Sanzo hesitantly touches his forehead. Nothing but unmarked skin greets his fingers. The discovery fills him with a terrible sense of emptiness and failure, of total worthlessness.

So, he is dead, after all. Genjo Sanzo has died, and now he is nothing.

XXX

Gojyo is sitting at the table, absent-mindedly shuffling a deck of cards when Hakkai enters the room. Goku is just sitting at the table as well, staring vacantly off into space. Gojyo puts down the cards to ask about Sanzo.

"So? How is he?"

"Quiet. Subdued. I don't know, I think it's too soon to tell. He wants to see Goku, though. I think it would be all right."

At this, Gojyo turns to Goku, trying to put enthusiasm in his voice.

"Hey, Goku. Did you hear that? Sanzo wants to see you. Do you want to go visit Sanzo?"

Immediately, Goku perks up.

"Sanzo?"

Gojyo reaches to ruffle Goku's hair haphazardly, before grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet.

"C'mon monkey, let's go see the stinkin' monk."

XXX

When the three of them return to Sanzo's room, Sanzo has seated himself on the edge of the bed. As soon as Goku catches sight of him, his golden eyes go huge, and he just stares for a moment, as if he can't believe that Sanzo is actually here.

Sanzo returns the stare, surprised at how dazed and out of it Goku looks, and he feels concern gripping at his heart. Finally, without thinking, he reaches out his arms towards Goku, and calls his name softly. Goku blinks, and in the next heartbeat, quickly finds his way into Sanzo's embrace, mumbling his sun's name against his chest, whimpering softly.

Sanzo looks down at Goku, and he wonders. How could he ever have thought that that other Goku was so perfect? How could his way of looking at things have become so distorted, that he could have lost sight of the truth so easily, so completely? For now, looking at the boy he holds in his arms, he can't help but feel that this Goku is the most precious, most beautiful thing that
he has ever seen.

Almost unconsciously, Sanzo finds himself whispering words of comfort, resting his head against Goku's.

"Goku, my little Goku. Shhh... don't cry."

Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look, totally not expecting to see this display of affection from Sanzo. But he and Goku look so close together, desperately clinging to each other, comforting each other, that they can't help but breath a sigh of relief, and be glad.

XXX

Goku refuses to leave Sanzo, so they decide to risk letting them stay together. In any case, perhaps Goku needs Sanzo's presence in order to recover. Perhaps it's for the best.

Left to themselves, Sanzo and Goku just curl up together, holding each other close, and without thinking, Sanzo finds himself speaking to Goku softly in the way he has become accustomed to during his insanity.

"My Goku, my little monkey, we still have each other, don't we? Even after everything, and I won't hurt you again, not ever. I know how wrong I was, Goku. Nothing worked, and now all I have is you. I died, again, and I don't even know... who I am anymore. But you're here, aren't you? That's all that matters now, Goku. Only you. You have to help me, help me to learn how to live again, because I can't do it alone. We'll help each other, now, okay? My little monkey, my Goku."

XXX

Over the next few days, Goku recovers, coming back to his senses, and soon, he seems almost normal again, except for the fact that he's a little quieter, a little more serious. But he has awakened to the world again, and all seems well.

Even though Hakkai and Gojyo would prefer to allow Sanzo and Goku a little more time to rest before heading out, they decide it best not to stay in town for too long. The people here are disturbed and frightened over recent events at the temple, and they would rather not run into any trouble. So ready or not, they hit the road.

Apparently, Sanzo seems to have developed an eternal restlessness, constantly fidgeting and on edge. He feels almost naked without his gun, which has not been returned to him. Although he had himself destroyed the priest's robe he had been wearing when he and Goku had gone outlaw together, he now refuses to wear the spare that had been left with Hakkai and Gojyo, opting for just the jeans and a shirt. He smokes twice as much as he ever did before, made difficult by the fact that he isn't allowed to keep a lighter on his person unless under supervision. Hakkai and Gojyo don't want him trying anything funny with fire.

He's being treated like a criminal, and he feels like one too. It hurts, but he knows he deserves it, after what he's done, and he has no right to object.

XXX

A quiet night on the road finds the four stopped to camp until morning. The next town isn't far, but they've decided to take it easy in order to avoid any unnecessary stress.

Even so, Sanzo finds himself unable to sleep, the restlessness eating away at his mind. He tries to focus on Goku, lying close at his side, but gradually the nagging emptiness that has been bothering him builds up into what seems like a great chasm, a pit of nothingness that threatens to swallow him whole. It becomes unbearable, and he just can't lie still anymore. Overcome by a sudden, desperate urge to do something, anything, to fill this hole inside, he slips away from Goku and quietly goes to search through the supplies, digging out a knife. Almost without thinking, he sits in the grass, and starts to cut into his arm. The sense of relief is almost immediate, until...

"Hey."

Gojyo.

Sanzo startles and momentarily freezes, feeling like a rabbit caught in Hakuryu's headlights. Quickly, he snaps out of it, realizes what he's doing, and hides the knife behind his back. He starts to stand, wanting to escape Gojyo's accusing glare, but Gojyo's not having any of it. In an instant, Sanzo finds himself restrained, pressed to the ground beneath the other man's weight.

Gojyo is looking down at him with anger and disapproval stamped hard on his face. But something about Sanzo's expression makes him soften his glare. This isn't like the last time, when he had confronted Sanzo about his self-injury before. Sanzo's attitude is way different. This time, Sanzo is upset; disturbed that he was caught in the act, uncertain as to his own behaviour. Gojyo sighs,
most of his anger being replaced with concern.

"What are you doing, Sanzo, huh? What do you need this for? Is this some kind of sick comfort for you? Or do you just do it for kicks? Huh? Is it the pain you're after, or the blood?"

Sanzo makes no move to respond, just lying tense as if he would bolt as soon as Gojyo were to let him up.

"If it's the pain, then I'm afraid you'll just have to get that little addiction out of your system, unless you'd care for a good punch in the nose to knock some sense into you, cause that could be arranged. If it's for the blood,
well, I can help with that. Anytime you need a fix, all you have to do is just look deep into my eyes. There's enough blood red in there for the both of us. I don't mind sharing. If it's for comfort, you can find comfort in so many other, much nicer ways. I can help you with that, too. We're here for you, Sanzo. Whenever you need us. Always. It's about time you realized that. You're not alone in this world. Stop acting... like you are."

Gojyo takes Sanzo's hand and removes the knife from his grip, tossing it aside. Sanzo has his head turned away, avoiding eye contact, looking anxious and discomfited. Looking down at his stubbornly averted gaze, Gojyo has the sudden urge, the need, to get through to him somehow, to make him understand that he isn't alone. He takes Sanzo's chin in his hand and turns his face, wanting Sanzo to at lest look at him, to acknowledge him. Sanzo responds with rejection.

"Don't... don't touch me."

"Don't touch you? You mean I don't get a kiss this time? Why can't I touch you? Are you that fragile, that you'll break if I touch you? Or am I just that revolting? Or, or is it you, that you feel so poisonous, you think anyone you touch is gonna get hurt? Is that it, Sanzo, huh? Are you afraid you're gonna hurt someone?"

Sanzo is silent for a moment, and then he surprises Gojyo with a confession.

"Gojyo... what am I? Who am I? I don't know anymore. I feel like... nothing. An outcast, a failure. I can't... it hurts."

"So you wanna cut the pain away? Is that it? Or do you still want to die? Would that make you feel better? What would you do if I gave you your gun back right now? Would you blow your heart out again, huh? Or would you make it the brains this time, just for good measure? Would you do it right in front of Goku again, while you're at it?"

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly, as hurt washes over him in waves.

"Yeah, you should be ashamed. You're sick, Sanzo. Sick inside, and you're just gonna have to get used to living with it, cause we won't let you take the easy way out. Besides, that's not like the Genjo Sanzo I know. The
Genjo Sanzo I know is as tough as nails."

"Genjo Sanzo... is dead."

"Funny. You don't look dead. Plus, I don't usually make a habit out of having conversations with corpses. So, I'd say you're alive, and I'd like to make sure you stay that way. So no more knives, okay? Remember what I said. I'm here to help."

Almost reluctantly, Gojyo lets Sanzo up. Any urge to fight or flee seems to have been taken out of Sanzo, and he just sits dejectedly. Gojyo sighs, making himself more comfortable on the grass, and lights a cigarette, taking a long drag. Wordlessly, he offers the cigarette to Sanzo, and just as wordlessly, the offer is accepted.

Silently, under a rising moon, a single cigarette is shared between two reluctant friends, one small act of comfort in the depths of the night.

XXX

The next couple of days are uneventful, and they soon arrive at the town.

As always, Goku sticks close to Sanzo' side, and the two are allowed to room together at the inn. Sanzo' unease has been growing steadily, and he finds himself unable to refrain from pacing across the room. Goku watches him curiously, wishing Sanzo would just relax. At the same time, though, he has learned to accept that Sanzo is different now, that his mannerisms have changed,
even as he himself has changed. They'e been through too much just to expect to go back to being the people they once were. Goku is okay with this, and he doesn't even know if Sanzo is aware of it or not at all.

Suddenly, Sanzo throws himself down on the bed next to Goku with exasperation, and then sits up and looks at Goku seriously. He has something important to tell Goku, but when he tries to explain, he can only do so
confusedly, and Goku finds himself shaking his head in bewilderment as he listens.

"Goku, listen, listen. When I died, something happened. I know you don't remember your life at all before the cave, but the fortuneteller, what she was helping me with was trying to figure something out, about my past life. Who I was. Listen, Goku. In my past life, I knew you. We were together even then. That's why we are together now. Do you understand? That person I used to be, his
name is Konzen, Konzen."

"Konzen?"

"Yes, yes. Maybe... maybe you don't remember him, but... but somehow, he's a part of me... now. I don't know how, because we are the same, the same soul, the
same person, only different. How can there be two of me? I don't know, Goku, I can't answer this, but I can feel his presence, inside. And I know that there's a reason for it. Konzen has to do what I can't, because Genjo Sanzo is dead. Dead. It's up to Konzen, now. You have to help him, Goku, you have to help us both. Do you understand?"

"No."

Sanzo frowns in frustration, looking hard at Goku.

"Just remember what I've told you. I'm sure you'll know what to do when the time comes."

"Sanzo, what do you mean you're dead?"

"I mean I'm not really a Sanzo anymore, so... so you shouldn't call me by that name."

"Well, then what should I call you?"

"I... I don't know."

"Then... hey, does this mean I get to give you a new name? Cool!"

"Silly monkey. I'm not a pet that you can name."

"Well, you get to call me monkey all the time, so it's only fair. How 'bout I call you..."

Sanzo looks at him doubtfully and somewhat sulkily, still annoyed with himself for not being able to explain things clearly.

Goku is studying Sanzo intently, and as he does so, a fascinated, dreamy eyed look spreads over his face, and he reaches out to touch Sanzo's hair.

"How 'bout I call you... Sunny. Or maybe... Shiny. Or, how 'bout just plain Beautiful."

Sanzo looks away, a pink tinge colouring his scowling face. Goku laughs, and Sanzo looks at him sharply, snapping out an irritated inquiry.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Cause for once I'm not the one doin' the blushing."

Sanzo frowns even harder.

"Silly, I'm not blushing."

"Oh, yeah? Coulda fooled me. But I like it. I'll hafta make you blush more often."

Sanzo's cheeks flush a darker pink, and Goku giggles again, moving to lean against him.

"Goku, can't you ever take anything seriously? I'm trying to be serious at the moment."

Goku giggles yet again.

"No. 'Cause I'm a monkey, remember? You said monkeys aren't supposed to be serious, they're just meant to have fun. Do you... do you remember the night you said that? It was when you were hurt. You said lotsa other weird stuff, too, and I didn't get half of it, but... you asked me to kiss you. I got that part. I remember what else happened after that, too."

Goku looks deep into Sanzo's eyes, and is rewarded with another blush. But in the next instant, all the annoyance and frustration falls from Sanzo's face, leaving him downcast, as if he's just given up on something, or remembered something very sad.

"Goku, I'm...I'm not... I'm not the same person I was, before all this happened. It's like... my soul is scarred, now. I died. Genjo Sanzo died. I don't know who I am anymore. I think... I'm nothing now. I think I must be dead, Goku. I think I must be dead."

Goku's teasing mood vanishes upon seeing how broken Sanzo has suddenly become. He pledges silently to himself that he will make it his number one priority to fix Sanzo, to make him whole again.

"Sanzo, you're hurting again, aren't you."

Sanzo just looks at him with pain filled eyes.

"Sanzo, I'll help take the pain away, but this time... this time we'll do it right. I'll show you, that healing doesn't have to hurt."

Goku leans in to give Sanzo a kiss, but Sanzo pulls away quickly in obvious alarm.

"Goku, how can you... after what I've done... how can you even want to... touch me, how can you ever trust me again? I've... I've had your blood on my hands, Goku, and worse. I... I violated your soul, when I changed you."

Goku just smiles.

"Shhh... Never mind all that, just let me make it better."

Again, he leans in for a kiss, and again Sanzo pulls away.

"No. I... I can't... Goku, my heart... my soul... there's nothing there but dead space, and pain. You'll only get hurt again."

Goku looks at Sanzo solemnly. Gently, he places his own hand on Sanzo's chest over his heart.

"Sanzo, your heart is beating. I can feel it, I can hear it. I know you can too. And maybe, maybe its true that every single beat feels like its tearing you apart from the inside out, but hurts can be healed. Hakkai healed your heart when it broke before. Together, you and me, we can fix it again. Your heart, it isn't just an empty shell. Let me show you. All you have to do is let me in, let
me inside your heart, and I'll prove to you it isn't empty, isn't dead. Because how... how could I... how could I... love something... so much if it didn't even exist?"

Sanzo stares at Goku.

Love?

Love...

How could Sanzo have been so blind? All this time, was he so lost in the shadows of his own inner darkness that he could not see the truth? A truth that shines brighter than the light of a million suns, a truth stronger than the revolution of a hundred worlds in orbit, a truth so powerful, that when it finally hits him, it feels like a supernova of the soul. It feels right. For once, something actually feels right.

For Sanzo and Goku, this is a moment of profound revelation, a moment when worlds collide.

Sanzo, as cold, hard and dead as he believes himself to be, is still only human, and humans are not made of steel, and even stone can break. He's so tired of hurting.

Sanzo takes a ragged, shuddering breath, feeling more vulnerable and exposed in this moment than he ever has in his life, as if Goku's golden eyes are burning right through to his soul, and melting past all the barriers he's built up around it. A single tear escapes from one violet eye, and streaks down one pristine cheek, like an iceberg finally learning how to melt.

To Goku, this is the most beautiful sight he has ever seen. He smiles warmly.

"See? You don't need to use blood to wash away the pain. That's what tears are for."

Goku leans in again, lips so close but not quite touching, and Sanzo finds himself holding his breath. He holds it for what seems like an endless eternity, because this solitary breath is the only thing that is holding him together. In this endless moment, there is only the beating of their two hearts, two broken hearts, on the verge of bursting. And Sanzo knows that if he releases his breath, then his heart will burst...

And he knows that if he allows his heart to burst, then Goku will find the way inside, and he will not be able to stop him. He will not want to stop him.

But Sanzo is only human, and no human can hold his breath forever.

Release.

Sanzo pulls Goku to him, and captures his lips in a kiss that is so much more than just a kiss. And, as his Goku lowers him down gently onto the bed, Sanzo lets his tears fall freely.

For he has let Goku inside. Inside his heart, inside his body, inside his soul.

Without the blade or the blood, or the need to hurt, there is just warmth, and touch, and two hearts beating as one beneath soft, scarred skin, and two bodies striving to give as much as they gain. For once, pain is forgotten.

So the sun and his earth become one in the night, and for them, it is...

A whole new world.

If there is such a thing as perfection, Sanzo and Goku have finally found it at last.

Back to index

Chapter 17: Poison For a Cure

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 17

Poison For A Cure

Awakening sometime in the hours before dawn, Sanzo finds himself dressed in nothing but his own skin, his body entangled with Goku's equally naked form.
Still only half awake, but with a growing sense of unease that had disturbed his sleep, he lets himself bask in this little paradise. Goku is so warm, and he
feels so safe here, so complete. Strange. When he had first reached out
his hand to that lonely, imprisoned creature those years ago, and watched as the
chains fell away, he never thought that some day, that same creature would be
reaching out to him, and breaking his own chains. Who would have thought
that he and that boy would end up together like this? If anyone had ever
suggested such a thing at the time, the very idea would certainly have earned
them a lovely bullet hole. But now... it just is.

Goku has proved that he will be at Sanzo's side no matter what happens,
however dark or how difficult the situation. He has effectively given himself to
Sanzo heart and soul. But Sanzo wonders; how is he worthy of such devotion, such
pure faith? What does he have to give in return? The answer is nothing,
and it chills him. He is nothing. What's more, he has been reduced to a
weak, dependent, useless, worthless bundle of sensitivity and uncertainty. He
had even been crying for goodness sake. And what for? For Goku? No, for
himself. How very pathetic.

Goku shifts slightly in his sleep, snuggling closer, as if in reassurance.
Sanzo hesitates a moment, and then accepts the comfort offered, relaxing into
it. A part of him, the part that is lonely and aching, wants so much to just
lose himself forever in this golden embrace. Oh, yes, that part wants to hold
his Goku close and pretend that everything is fine, to lock himself away within
this golden heart with matching eyes, eyes that will find no fault with him, not
ever, because this is were he belongs, and will always be welcome. But, another
part admonishes him and tells him that this can never be, and demands that he
listen and take action, before it is too late.

So he has let Goku inside his heart, and Goku says he will prove that it isn't empty. Foolish. Goku is too trusting. He will only end up getting lost inside the endless darkness, and in the process, become tainted, wounded, until
perhaps one day it will even be enough to kill him. Yes, perhaps Gojyo is right. Sanzo is poisonous. Anyone he lets inside to touch upon the toxic substance of his heart will only end up getting hurt.

He has already hurt Goku enough.

Genjo Sanzo is dead. The person he is now is just an empty shell, without
even the false pretences of importance that Genjo Sanzo wore upon himself as a
mask to hide his inner worthlessness. Whoever he is now, he is utterly unworthy
of Goku's love. Yes, he must set Goku free, release him from the constricting
bonds of misguided devotion that have captured him. He must set himself
free from the weakness that is rotting the last vestiges of his remaining
strength. For if he gives in to Goku, to the promise of comfort so offered, he
will lose sight of the truth, the truth about himself, and Goku will suffer the
consequences.

He disentangles himself from Goku, taking special care not to waken him. If
that were to happen now, he may very well lose his resolve. He pauses for a moment to look upon Goku, and a tiny smile threatens the corner of his lip as he admires the peaceful expression on his lover's sleeping face. Then all traces of
the smile are gone, forced away like swallowing bitter medicine. He leans down to place a ghost of a kiss upon Goku's lips, and another upon his brow, and then
he disengages himself completely from the welcoming embrace and leaves the
inviting warmth of the bed. Goku mumbles something in his sleep, and Sanzo looks
back, feeling the nearly irresistible pull to climb back into those arms, but
instead he turns, gathering together his discarded clothing and pulling on his
jeans.

He seats himself down at the table, alone in the dark. After a short time, he
notices that he's tapping his fingers silently on the tabletop, and that he's
bouncing his leg restlessly. In annoyance, he forces himself to be still, only
to find himself doing it again a moment later. How has he allowed himself to
become so unsettled? Where is his self-control, his inner strength, his will
power? Ah, yes, it must have died along with Genjo Sanzo. He chokes back a
dejected laugh.

Automatically, he reaches for his cigarettes, only to remember that he has no
way to light up. He slams the package down on the table with a snort of disgust.
Disgusted with himself. He removes a cigarette from the pack just to give his
hands something to do, tapping the stick against the table top in a meaningless
rhythm. He reaches in his pocket again, pulling out something else. Bullets. He
snorts in disgust again. So he has been reduced to this. Cigarettes without
fire, bullets without a gun. A face without a name, or perhaps a name without
meaning. A priest without a shred of holiness. Former priest, for Genjo
Sanzo is dead, he is sure of it. All that remains is emptiness,
worthlessness, and... Goku.

Why does Goku stay? Can he not see the truth? Even Gojyo and Hakkai can see
it. That he is no longer worthy of trust, that he is poisonous. Why can
Goku not see this? He doesn't deserve Goku. Goku isn't even safe with
him, and will only end up getting hurt, one way or another. He can't allow that. He
must conjure up whatever scrap of strength he has remaining and clean up the
mess of things that he has made. He must try to put things right.

With a sigh, he leans his head down on the table, and closes his eyes.

XXX

In the morning, Goku stretches as he opens his eyes. He is happy. So very
happy, because his Sanzo has finally let him in, finally broken down his
stubborn walls and let him in. Goku had offered his love, and it had been
accepted. He turns his head, wanting to look upon the face of the sun, but Sanzo
is not beside him. Oh. He must be up already. Somewhat disappointed, Goku yawns
and sits up in bed, running his hands through his hair and blinking to clear his
bleary eyes. He sees Sanzo sitting at the table, and smiles a greeting.

"Morning."

Sanzo does not look up. He seems to be completely engrossed in the useless
activity of replacing a stack of cigarettes, one by one, back into the package
from which he had removed them.

"Sanzo?"

Still Sanzo does not even acknowledge him, until a moment later one of the
cigarettes he is playing with rolls over the edge of the table and onto the
floor. Sanzo bends to retrieve it, and as he straightens up again, his eyes meet
Goku's. For a moment he just looks at Goku wordlessly, expressionlessly. Then he
blinks and turns back to his task.

Goku swallows uneasily. What's up with Sanzo? His eyes look so cold, so
distant. What is he doing over there with the stupid cigarettes, anyway, when he
could be curled up in bed over here? Why won't he say anything? Is something
wrong?

As for Sanzo, he had avoided looking at Goku because he knows that if he
looks at the boy, his heart may very well waver, and display its profound
weakness to the world. When he had finally looked at Goku, he had been pleased
with himself for managing to keep a straight face. Oh, his little Goku, he's
making it so difficult, looking so pleasing sitting there in the cozy
bed, shamelessly displaying all of that skin. So difficult, with his
sweet little sleepy face and his hair attractively mussed up just so, golden
eyes blinking themselves awake and sparkling with merriment, all for
Sanzo. Sanzo knows how he must deal with this. He must harden his aching,
empty heart, and be strong.

"Goku. Get dressed. You're indecent."

"Huh? Indecent?"

"I said, get dressed. Now."

Frowning, Goku slips out of bed and collects his clothing, looking at Sanzo
worriedly. The blond just turns his head, stubbornly averting his eyes so as
not to give in to the temptation that is Goku. Goku pulls on his jeans and then
sits on the edge of the bed. He squints in puzzlement as he notices that the
ashtray is full of mutilated, un-smoked cigarettes.

"Sanzo, what's up? You okay?"

So much open concern in that voice, so much care, so much innocent trust and
hope. Sanzo almost breaks because of it. Almost. His shoulders shake
slightly in a silent half-sob, half-laugh. Then he gathers together the remnants
of his wayward self-control, and concentrates it into a dose of pure poison,
preparing to inject it into his target's heart.

"No, Goku. I'm not okay. I'm not."

He looks up at Goku then, is eyes full of dark intent, and he steels himself
against the melting pot of gold that greets his gaze.

"Sanzo?"

"What do you want from me, Goku?"

Goku feels his heart growing cold, as a numb disbelief spreads its way
inside. Sanzo's eyes, his voice, his words. Is he... no. No, it can't be. After
what they shared, what they've been through. Goku thought he had finally reached
through to Sanzo, now this? Images of last night flash before his eyes.
Sanzo, opening his heart. Sanzo, accepting his comfort, letting him hold him,
returning his touch. Sanzo, letting in the warmth. Sanzo's hands, his lips, his
tears. Sanzo had cried. It had taken so much to bring them to this
point. So much pain. Now this? Why, oh why? Why this
now?

In desperation, Goku stands and goes to Sanzo's side, kneeling beside his
chair and resting his hands on Sanzo's leg, looking up into his hard gaze.
Sanzo's sharp words cut straight through the sincerity of Goku's eyes and
touch.

"Well? I asked you a question, Goku. What do you want from me?"

His speech is precise and careful, as if he has to force each of the words to
come out in such a way that they won't choke him in the process. Goku tries to
respond, but any answer he might have given dies in his throat.

"I..."

Sanzo gives a short, derisive laugh.

"I took you from the cave. I gave you a life. I gave you freedom. Isn't that
enough? What more do you need? I didn't ask for you to come into my life.
I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just because we were
together in a past life, why does that mean we have to be together now? I don't
believe in destiny, or fate. I set you free, now it's your turn to set
me free, Goku. Set me free of the obligations born of the past. We don't
owe each other anything."

"Sanzo, what... what are you trying to say? I don't know what you mean."

"You never do, little monkey, you never do. And now it's too late, it's over.
Did you think you could just... manipulate...our relationship any way you
pleased, and everything would turn out all right? Everything would go on as if
it were okay, according to your very own design? Well I'm not okay, Goku. The
person I was is dead, and there isn't anything left alive inside that's any
good. I have nothing to give, nothing, except for pain."

"But, I thought..."

"You thought wrong! There's nothing left."

"But... I... I love you, Sanzo."

For a moment, just a brief flicker of the eyes, Sanzo looks uncertain, as if
caught off guard. Then the moment is gone. Sanzo pushes down his hesitation and
narrows his eyes. He lets a cold, false smile play briefly across his lips, lips
that inwardly want to tremble and relent, and kiss Goku senseless, but instead
only offer words of rejection.

"Hmph. Monkey play. Silly. Goku, I'll give you one last thing. Let it
represent me, and all that you can ever get from me. Accept it."

With this, he takes up a package, and removes an object, struggling to
restrain the shaking in his hesitant hands. He takes Goku's hand from its place
on his leg, and places the small object into his palm, closing his fist around
it. Then he stands, and settles himself stubbornly by the window, idly
distracting himself by digging his nails into the flesh of his arm.

Behind him, Goku opens his hand to look at the object Sanzo has placed in his
hand. What he sees pierces him like a shot to the soul.

Lying in the palm of his hand...

Is a bullet.

XXX

Cold and hard. Just a lifeless implement of pain. A bringer of fatal wounds.
An ending.

Goku feels huge, stinging tears building in his eyes, and at first he thinks
he should deny them access to the world. Sanzo wants things sterile and harsh,
after all. Not messy and emotional. Sanzo doesn't want his tears. He doesn't
want him to cry for him. He doesn't want him to feel for him. Why?
Because he thinks he cannot return those feelings? Because he does not want
to return them? Because he doesn't return them? Goku is confused,
Goku is hurt. Goku's world is closing down. Goku is shattered.

A tear does escape, after all. Trembling precariously at the edge of one eye,
and then making its descent. Down, down, down. Goku is not aware of it. His mind
is beginning to retreat into a dark, faraway place, a place where there is no
light, where only the light of the sun can reach to pull him out, except that in
this case, the sun is the very thing that has cast him into these shadows in the
first place.

Sanzo resists the urge to scream, or to smash his own head into the wall over
and over again, just to do something to drown out the horrible silence in the
room behind him. He does not want to hear Goku's whining and complaining, but he
does not want to hear this silence. He does not want to hear Goku cry, or
see his tears, but he does not want to hear this awful soundlessness.

Suddenly, his heart leaps in his chest, piercing him with a sharp, stabbing
pain. He cries out, clutching his chest, and stumbles against the wall. The pain
continues, searing through him, and seems to spread from his heart to his limbs,
to his head, to his entire body. All thought is wiped from his mind, and
replaced with nothing but awareness of stinging, burning, blinding
pain.

He collapses to the floor, writhing in agony, each beat of his heart pumping
white-hot pain into every fiber of his being. He can't breathe, and finds he can
only gasp uncontrollably, his throat constricting, his body tensing and
convulsing as his vision goes black. He reaches out numbly, one hand grasping
blindly and unknowingly in Goku's direction. But Goku is so lost inside himself
now, falling into that damaged refuge that has been burnt into him by the
spiritual attack he had suffered recently, that he is not even aware of Sanzo's
pain, or that Sanzo needs his help.

XXX

Just at the point when Sanzo feels as if his body will burst apart into its
individual molecules due to the unspeakable physical torment ripping through
him, he finds he is finally able to take in an unrestricted breath of air. The
terrible pain has subsided, and he begins gasping and panting desperately in an
attempt to recover. He closes his eyes in relief, while unknown to him, the
chakra upon his brow has returned. When again he opens his eyes, his vision has
cleared. But it is not as Sanzo that he now views the world.

For Konzen has awakened.

Back to index

Chapter 18: Rise and Shine, Fall and Fade

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 18

Rise and Shine,
Fall and Fade

Konzen has awakened.

Awakened amidst searing, unendurable pain. He cannot breath, he cannot even see. He is aware of nothing else but
pain, until finally, these effects subside. Lying on the floor, gasping in order
to restore his breathing rate to normal, heart still pounding in his chest, awareness gradually returns. Confusion, disorientation, and the lingering ghosts of
past events still wailing through his mind all come to his attention.

He pushes himself up into a sitting position, struggling to get his bearings.
The last thing he can remember is the battle. With a sick feeling he remembers
watching Tenpou and Kenren die. He remembers trying to protect Goku, wanting to keep him safe above
all else, his care for the boy almost overpowering in its intensity. Yes, he had
come to care for Goku that much, without even realizing it, until it was too
late. He remembers...

With a gasp of panic, Konzen reaches for his throat, and calls out Goku's
name into the strange room where he now finds himself. His voice had been stolen
from him. His life had been taken as well. And Goku. His Goku had been taken
from him, his protection denied to the boy.

Now, there is no blood, and he can hear the sound of his own voice calling
out. He can see his body; feel the solid floor beneath him. He is not
dead. But then, what happened? He had felt the sword in the instant before
his life was extinguished. He had felt it. He had been so afraid,
terrified. Now...

Still feeling shaky, one hand upon his throat, Konzen takes in his
surroundings. What is this strange room? It feels so... real. His eyes
sweep over the room, and stop dead when they see Goku. Any attempt at trying to
make sense of his situation comes crashing to a halt. Goku. Goku is here,
and he is safe. They are not dead, and Goku is here.

He blinks, blind relief gradually clearing into puzzled concern. Something is
different. Something is wrong.

This is Goku; there is no doubt of that in his mind. But... this Goku is different because he is not the child he remembers. This Goku is a young
man. And something is wrong because Goku is staring straight at him, but not
seeing him. His golden eyes are vacant, lost, and dead to the world.
Konzen calls his name again, a note of desperation in his voice. When he gets no response, not even so much as a flicker, he crawls forward towards the boy. When
he reaches him, he grabs Goku by the shoulders, giving him a shake and calling his name. Goku may as well be a lifeless doll for all the reaction that he can get out of him. Konzen is beginning to panic, now. His hand flies furiously to Goku's cheek, slapping again and again. Has Goku been taken from him after all? Is this a
nightmare?

Tears begin to wet Konzen's cheeks. He is so afraid, so confused, so helpless, and Goku is...

He finally throws his arms around Goku's vacant body, holding him close, never wanting to let go again. Not ever again. He whispers Goku's name in a
tightly constricted voice, a voice that never again wants to be restrained from calling out to the creature he has come to love. If nothing else, then at least he will not let Goku out of his sight again. Not this time. No matter what
happens.

For Goku, the familiar, comforting presence and embrace of the one he loves, this special warmth and light that he craves more than anything else, gradually sinks into his awareness, and he wants to let it in. But to let it in, he
must reach for it. To reach for it, he must be awake. So he awakens. He blinks, and mumbles Sanzo's name. At the sound, Konzen pulls back, frowning with concern
into Goku's eyes.

Goku looks back at him, looking for reassurance in those violet eyes, looking
for acceptance. What he sees is concern, and fear. Faced with this, Goku wants to retreat, he wants to hide, and so his mind begins to slip away again. Renewed desperation flares up in Konzen, and he pulls Goku back into an embrace, speaking words of reassurance, begging Goku to stay with him, just to stay with him, promising not to leave him again. Goku hears, and he responds. This is the comfort his soul demands, the spiritual antidote for which he yearns. The waking world envelops him once again, and he is back. He returns the embrace, soaking it in like medicine.

Eventually, a sense of calm settles on the two. Konzen tentatively breaks his hold, in order to check on Goku's condition. He breathes a sigh of relief upon seeing that Goku is still with him, and apparently much recovered.

"Goku. What happened? Why are you..."

"Sanzo? I... I'm sorry. I only wanted to... but I hurt you again, didn't I?
You're right. I guess nothing works. But... I thought I could help. I'm sorry,
Sanzo, you don't want my help."

"Goku, what are you babbling about? You aren't hurt, are you?"

"Hurt? I... no. Sanzo, you were the one who was hurt. I thought I
could help heal you. Don't you want to be healed, Sanzo?"

Konzen shakes his head, trying to understand what Goku is saying, confusion
bubbling up again.

"Goku, I think I was hurt, but I'm fine now, I'm fine. But what happened to you? Why are you like this?"

"Like... what? I don't get what you mean, Sanzo. And... I don't care about past lives or whatever. I just wanna be with you now, in this
life."

For some reason, an ominous shiver runs its way up Konzen's back.

"Past... lives? Goku, what are you talking about? Why do you keep calling me
that name, Sanzo? It's me, Konzen."

"Kon... zen?"

Goku shakes his head slightly, and reaches out, almost hesitantly, to touch Konzen's hair, searching deep within his eyes for answers to the confusing mess presently swirling in his mind.

"Konzen. Sanzo. The same, but different. Sanzo said... Konzen is here with him.
Sanzo said... I was with Konzen in the past. he said..."

Konzen listens, and then questions Goku, seeking answers which, somehow, he
feels he already knows.

"Goku, who is this Sanzo? Does he have something to do with why you look like
this? Goku?"

As Goku gazes into Konzen's eyes, something suddenly seems to click. This is
Sanzo, but why does he somehow not feel like the Sanzo he knows? This is Sanzo,
but also... not Sanzo. Sanzo's words from last night come back to him, when
he had spoken of Konzen. Goku hadn't understood, then. But Sanzo had said that
he would know. Yes, he does know. This man, this isn't his Sanzo.
No, this is Konzen, from long ago. This isn't about memory; those memories have been lost to him for so long. This is about a feeling, and about simply knowing. This is about a connection so deep that it goes
beyond time and memory. This is truth.

"Konzen... I know you. Konzen. It's... it's been so long, I thought
I forgot. I did forget. Konzen, Konzen, Konzen. How could I ever forget?"

Tears begin to fall from Goku's eyes. The reason for the tears is so mixed up, that he can barely even place it. Part sorrow, and part joy. All he finds he can do is throw his arms around Konzen's neck.

"Konzen! I missed you. Even if I didn't know what I missed, I still missed you. Then Sanzo came, and he is you, but not
you, and I forgot. I still forget, but I know I know you, Konzen, I know you..."

"Goku... where are we? What happened?"

"You died, Konzen. I didn't, but I waited for you. I waited for a long, long, time. I waited, and you came. You came to find me. As Sanzo, you came. I don't
understand much, except this. Something happened to Sanzo, and you came back.
That's why you're both here now. Sanzo said... Sanzo said you came back for a reason, and that I had to help you. I had to help you so you could help him."

"How long... how long was I gone? How long did you wait for Sanzo?"

"I don't know. Years and years, I guess. Long, long time. I was alone. But you did come. You did."

"Goku, I'm... I'm sorry. I never meant to leave you. But of course I would come back. I would always come back."

As Goku cries, Konzen gently strokes his hair, pondering over everything that has been said, and although he is still confused, he knows the truth behind these words. He remembers too the strange dreams he had been having, and this Goku looks just like the Goku in those dreams.

"Goku, I'm here now, for whatever reason. And... I think... I think I can feel this Sanzo... somewhere inside. He's confused, but he wants me to help. I'll try to listen, I'll try to listen to you both."

A sudden knock at the door makes them both jump, and a second later, the door
opens to admit Hakkai. He pauses in surprise at seeing the occupants of the room
both sitting on the floor together.

"Oh, am I interrupting something? I'm sorry, but we're ready to go down for breakfast now."

Konzen stares, and stares. Tenpou! But, he had seen Tenpou killed. Yet here he is, alive and well.

"Tenpou?"

Goku looks quizzically at Konzen, observing his reaction to Hakkai's appearance.

"You knew Hakkai in the past, didn't you? Konzen, listen. He isn't the same person. Whoever he was, that person died. He's Hakkai now. Do you understand?"

Konzen turns to look at Goku, trembling with emotion. He looks back at Hakkai, and nods his head.

Intently, Hakkai observes this strange interplay, hiding his concern behind a friendly smile. He hasn't missed the fact that Sanzo's chakra has returned, and that Goku had called Sanzo Konzen, the same name that Homura had always used to address him. What's more, Goku's words to Sanzo sound completely bizarre, and yet the both of them seem to be taking it very, very seriously. Also, Sanzo and Goku both appear to be in a state of emotional arousal, almost as if they have just been through something very significant, or even traumatic. This isn't looking good, to say the least, especially after what he and Gojyo had discussed earlier.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo had heard a rumour, a piece of information in circulation,
about Sanzo. Apparently, the story of the temple massacre in the previous town had already filtered this far, during the time in which they had spent
resting in the other town. Genjo Sanzo is being called a madman, a terror to humans and a friend to demon kind, a bringer of darkness who will summon death in his wake. These rumours, they know, they will soon outrun, traveling faster than they can spread. But still, is it wise to allow them to spread, without doing anything to allay these fears? What can they do, though? Besides,
unfortunately, they are true. Hakkai and Gojyo don't know the details of everything that happened at the temple, but what they do know does not paint a very pretty reconstruction of how events may have played out there.

What they know is that for some reason, Goku had not killed Sanzo, and the two seem to have been traveling together. Goku had obviously been responsible
for most of the deaths at the temple, for the monks were literally torn apart. But the other bodies, those of the villagers, they were untouched. Sanzo had said that he had used the scripture in an attack, in which Goku had accidentally
gotten caught. Putting two and two together would seem to indicate that Sanzo himself had been responsible for killing the villagers. This is a very disturbing thought.

They still wonder and worry over Sanzo's mental condition. His behaviour now is different than it was, as he hasn't tried to turn against them or attack anyone, but yet he certainly isn't himself. Now, they would like to make an
attempt at countering the vile rumours, perhaps dissuade the truth before it becomes ingrained in the minds of the locals. It would not do to have rumours of his insanity reach the ears of those behind Gyuumaoh's resurrection. Yes, Yaone
knows, and therefore likely Kougaiji does as well. But perhaps... the power behind Kougaiji has not been informed of the success of the attempt to corrupt Sanzo's mind. It would be too much to ask that Kougaiji has not passed on this information, but Yaone had stated that they were not a party to the plan, and did not approve of it, so perhaps...

In any case, in order to disprove the rumours, they need Sanzo sane. They need him to make an appearance that will demonstrate good mental health. Is this possible? At this point, probably not, and that leaves only one solution, if
rather a reluctant one.

Hakkai must take on the task of impersonating Sanzo.

XXX

Goku quickly leads Konzen through the morning routine of getting and cleaned up and ready to go, providing him with a hushed and brief explanation of current circumstances as they do so. Then, he silently takes Konzen by the hand, leading him towards the door where Hakkai is patiently waiting. Goku implores the blond with his eyes to remain quiet. As the two pass by Hakkai, Konzen can't help but
stare at the dark haired man, eyes as wide as saucers, taking in all the differences between him and the god he once knew as Tenpou.

When Konzen first sets eyes on Gojyo down at the breakfast table, he reacts in much the same way as when Hakkai had appeared. Goku quickly takes note of this and whispers something in his ear. At this point, Konzen is beginning to look a little faint.

Breakfast is a strange, silent affair. Konzen can't refrain from staring alternately at all three of his companions, not eating until prompted by Goku, at which point he will take one
bite, and then resume his staring. Eventually, this routine creeps Gojyo out enough that he can no longer hold his tongue.

"Hey, Sanzo. What's your problem?"

Gojyo is far from pleased with the answer that he gets.

"You're... you're not dead."

Goku pauses, food halfway to his mouth, and glances up in sharp disapproval. Gojyo narrows his eyes suspiciously. Gojyo can only assume that Sanzo is referring to the fight that had ended up separating them, and suddenly he finds his appetite waning.

"No, of course I'm not dead. It's gonna take more than that to kill me off. Sorry if that disappoints you."

Sensing a tense situation, Hakkai attempts to diffuse it before it gets out of hand.

"Now, now, Gojyo. Lets just enjoy being alive while we eat breakfast quietly, shall we?"

The crimson-eyed halfling tears his eyes away from Konzen's wide-eyed, strangely innocent gaze.

"Yeah, whatever. I think I just lost my appetite, anyway."

Goku tugs on Konzen's shirt, whispering a reminder into his ear.

"Hey, Kon... I mean, Sanzo, remember what I said. They won't understand,
so you hafta pretend, okay? Don't worry, I'll help you."

Konzen nods slowly, before his eyes again wander in Hakkai and Gojyo's
direction, and Gojyo rolls his eyes in exasperation.

XXX

After breakfast, Gojyo lights a cigarette, and tosses the lighter to Konzen,
who just barely manages to catch it.

"Go ahead and have a smoke, Sanzo, but you know I still need that back after."

Konzen stares at him, dumbfounded, his lip curling up in distaste at the idea of smoking.

Goku frowns a little, considering. Then he reaches into Konzen's pocket for Sanzo's cigarettes. He takes the lighter from Konzen and lights a stick, offering it to Konzen.

"Here, you'd better just take this. You probably don't even know it, but
you're addicted now, so it'll be easier this way."

"You... you mean... I... he smokes?"

Goku giggles as he watches Konzen cringe in disgust.

"Yeah, I know it's a weird habit, but he's hooked bad, so just do it and get it over with, kay?"

Konzen shakes his head in adamant refusal, staring at the burning cigarette as if Goku had just offered him a writhing worm to snack on.

Sighing, Goku shrugs, and then grabs the back of Konzen's head, holding him in place as he sticks the cigarette in his mouth by force. Taken by surprise, Konzen
gasps, inadvertently sucking in the smoky air. As he does so, he realizes that the effect is not entirely unpleasant, and that it seems to ease the craving for something that had been nagging at him, and was especially triggered as
soon as Gojyo had lit up his foul cigarette.

Reluctantly, Konzen accepts the cigarette, and grumpily, unhappily, finishes it off. Gojyo watches this whole scene in fascinated disbelief, nearly forgetting his own cigarette's existence entirely.

XXX

After the cigarette incident, Hakkai takes Konzen and Goku back up to their room, telling them that he and Gojyo have some minor business to attend to before they head out. Once in the room, he speaks to Goku.

"Goku, would you come out into the hall with me for a moment? I want to have a word. Sanzo, we'll only be a moment. Please wait inside."

Hakkai leads Goku down the hall a little ways, and puts his hand on Goku's shoulder gently.

"Goku, I wanted to have a word with you about how you're doing. Are you and
Sanzo getting along all right?"

He looks squarely into Goku's eyes, expressing his concern but not allowing
himself to appear at all worried.

"Sure Hakkai. I'm fine, and we're getting along just great."

"I'm glad to hear that, Goku. You know, we haven't discussed this with you, but Sanzo isn't well, mentally. Something happened in the village with the
fortuneteller. She did something to his mind, and it damaged him."

"So, the fortuneteller... Hakkai, I've been tryin' and tryin' to help, but it's
so hard, and nothing works. I don't even care if he's... different...
I just... I just can't stand to see him hurting. Hakkai..."

Goku lowers his head, hurting on Sanzo's behalf, remembering he and Sanzo's
last exchange, just before Konzen had appeared. He also can't help feeling somewhat guarded around Hakkai, not entirely trusting his friend enough to disclose all he knows and feels regarding Sanzo, for whom he has become very
defensive, and for whom his loyalties now lie first and foremost. In this present uncertainty concerning Sanzo, and now Konzen, all he knows is that he is
on Sanzo's side, no matter what. Hakkai, he now knows, and Gojyo, are potentially a threat to him, if they come to consider Sanzo a threat. He won't allow anything, or anyone, to threaten his Sanzo. Not even Gojyo
or Hakkai.

"Goku, I'm sorry. I don't know if Sanzo will ever fully recover, but if we
all help him, then maybe he has a chance."

Hakkai's words are like dull, meaningless echoes in Goku's ears, as they continue to flow sluggishly into his mind.

"Goku, I don't know what happened between you and Sanzo when you were on the road together. Did Sanzo do anything to frighten you, or hurt you, before you lost your limiter? I couldn't help but notice the scars, on both of you. If you want to talk about it, I'm always here to listen.
You're not alone, Goku. Goku?"

"I'm fine, Hakkai. We're fine. I took care of Sanzo the best I could, and...
Even now, I know Sanzo's still there, inside."

Goku looks up, meeting Hakkai's eyes.

"Thank you for asking, and if I need to, I'll talk. But I don't. Need to,
that is. I'm good. I can handle this. Sanzo is Sanzo."

He nods his head definitively, forcing a smile to his lips. Hakkai offers one in return, but doesn't press Goku any further. Hakkai sees him to his room, and
the door shuts with a loud click. To Hakkai, no sound has ever seemed so sad, as the
sound of that door closing. It represents the wall that has grown up to separate Goku and Sanzo from Gojyo and himself, and perhaps... perhaps it is a wall that
they will never be able to fully dismantle, no matter how hard they try.

Back to index

Chapter 19: Heaven on Earth

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 19

Heaven on Earth

Gojyo adds the final touch with one dab of red ink on Hakkai's brow, and, a
brand new Genjo Sanzo is born. The imposter monk stands awkwardly for a moment, dressed in
Sanzo's robes, as Gojyo does a last minute inspection.

"Not bad, Hakkai. Or should I say, Sanzo?"

Hakkai's smile is more like a grimace as he replies.

"Ah, I really must admit that I don't feel comfortable doing this. It feels
almost... blasphemous in a way, not to mention the fact that we're acting
behind Sanzo's back."

"Yeah, well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? It's for his
own good, and anyway, since when has Sanzo ever been against a bit of
blasphemy?"

"Well, I guess we'll soon find out if I can pull off this impersonation all the
way."

"Don't worry 'bout it, you'll do fine."

A shadow seems to pass over Gojyo, suddenly darkening his lighthearted
optimism.

"Hakkai, do you think some of Sanzo's craziness is starting to rub off on
Goku, or something? Is that even possible? It's just... with the way they were both
carrying on earlier... and Sanzo... Sanzo's falling apart, man. He
didn't even know that he smokes, for fuck's sake. What's up with
that? It's... it's scary, you know? We're really losing him, and I'm
not ashamed to say that it's damn scary."

For a moment, Hakkai does not respond, as he again replays in his mind the
scenario from breakfast.

"Hmm. If I were to hazard a guess concerning Goku... It is true that his mental
stability may have been detrimentally affected, however... I would almost have to
say that he has simply fallen into whatever method works best for him when
trying to deal with Sanzo's circumstances. Goku is doing his best to cope, while
at the same time trying to guide and hold together an apparently increasingly
confused Sanzo."

"So... you mean... you think he's just playing along with Sanzo's little
delusions? But... how much longer can they go on like that? How bad is it going to
get?"

For this, Hakkai has no answer, and simply shakes his head.

XXX

Not surprisingly, Hakkai is able to pull off a fairly decent impersonation of
a Buddhist monk. With his polite and friendly demeanour, it isn't difficult for
him to leave a good impression on those he comes into contact with. Perhaps his
performance is lacking Sanzo's charismatic persona, but never the less it seems
to prove satisfactory for their intended purposes.

They had debated over the matter of whether or not Gojyo should be seen with
him. It wouldn't make their task of discouraging the nasty rumours any easier if
anyone were to recognize his demonic heritage, but on the other hand, it's more
sensible to travel as a pair than to have Hakkai work alone, due to the
possibility of enemy attack. Especially since they have no idea what kind of
plans the enemy may be brewing in regards to the psychic attack against Sanzo.
Then there is also the question of leaving Goku and Sanzo behind at the inn. So
far, Sanzo hasn't shown any indications that he's planning on running off or
doing anything truly bizarre or dangerous, yet, but if he does,
it's pretty safe to assume that Goku will be right on his heels. They can't
trust Goku to be able to talk any sense into Sanzo, and can't be sure if he
would even make the attempt.

In the end, they decide to take a chance, and Gojyo simply covers the
telltale colour of his hair by tying a bandanna over his head.

XXX

The trip west is about to resume, and the four travelers gather together
outside in preparation to depart. Hakkai and Gojyo observe with alarm how jumpy
and confused Sanzo appears to be, as he practically clings to Goku like some
kind of a lifeline. They stand by uneasily and watch as Goku is even forced to
convince Sanzo that it is really okay to ride in Hakuryu turned jeep.

After this curious exchange, Hakkai gets Konzen's attention, and holds out to
him a cloth item.

"Sanzo, would you please wear this headband? It'll conceal your chakra and
help disguise your identity."

At this point, tired of having weird things shoved in his face in an even
weirder world, Konzen's confusion becomes readily tinted with irritation, and he
finds himself crossing his arms and snapping at Hakkai petulantly in
response.

"Hmph. Why?"

"Well, because it would be best not to attract any unnecessary attention to
yourself right now."

Gojyo chooses this moment to sidle up, resting an arm on Hakkai's shoulder.
The chance to add his ten-cents worth in this situation is just too good to pass
up.

"And, because we say so, Sanzo. No headband, no lighter. How's
that for a deal, huh?"

The half-demon follows his remark up with a crimson wink.

Anger flares up behind Konzen's borrowed eyes, but he is still too shaken to
readily express himself, and it quickly dies down into merely an indignant
glare. Finally, Goku comes to the rescue.

"Here, Hakkai. I'll do it."

He takes the headband and quickly ties it around Konzen's head, pauses, and
then spends an extra moment in arranging the beloved blond locks around it
until he's satisfied with the final results. When finished, he offers Konzen an
encouraging smile, not stepping back from the close proximity required for tying
the headband.

"There. Now we all have one. Well, I guess mine's a little different,
but still, we're close enough."

Looking rather doubtful and disapproving, but none-the-less resigned to his
headband fate, Konzen averts his eyes from Goku's gaze, which is presently
fixated on him. There is something in Goku's eyes that he has never seen
there before, something deep and intense, something that burns with a strange
kind of fire, so very different from the childish devotion he has come to
expect. Suddenly, Konzen finds it makes him feel both uncomfortable and excited
all at once, and his sense of confusion multiplies tenfold in response.

Turning away from Goku and those mysteriously mesmerizing eyes, Konzen
mutters a retort.

"Hmph. It's not like I want the damn lighter anyway."

Goku just laughs lightly.

"Yeah, right, and I don't wanna eat any more than one bite per meal!
Come on!"

He grabs Konzen by the hand and leads him to the jeep, the two of them
settling into the back seat together, much to Gojyo and Hakkai's surprise at the
sudden change in seating arrangements. Gojyo finds himself tentatively taking
the front seat, almost as if expecting to find a gun pressed up against the back
of his head for such a transgression. Strangely, he is almost
disappointed when Sanzo makes no complaint.

XXX

The abnormal level of silence in the jeep is almost eerie. Gojyo longs to
break it, but the entire atmosphere is so different now, that he does not even
know how to go about it in a way that won't just make things worse. He merely
falls into the routine of passing back the lighter every time he himself uses
it, and Goku is always the one to take it from him on Konzen's behalf, Konzen
himself still stubbornly refusing to participate that readily in the unwanted
activity of smoking. The occupants of the front seat watch curiously in the rear
view mirror as Konzen each time resists the offered cigarette, only to
eventually give in when the addiction gets its way. As an experiment, Gojyo even
tries withholding the lighter, only to have Goku request it from him.

Not once does Goku whine about being hungry or make any complaints
whatsoever. He and Konzen will occasionally talk together in low tones, and
appear to be quite absorbed in whatever it is that's going on between them.

Eventually, Konzen, strained from the overwhelming turn of recent events, and
not used to living in a mortal body in the lower world, simply falls asleep,
leaning against Goku. Goku sighs, wrapping his arm securely around his treasured
companion. He has been trying to remain calm for Konzen's sake, but now, given
the chance, he realizes how shaken he really is. He finds himself glad of this
opportunity to just relax, without having to constantly attend to Konzen.

Sanzo's rejection this morning had been bad enough, and now with having to
deal with Konzen's sudden and unexpected appearance as well, Goku is weary,
shocked, and just plain stressed out. As he lets his mind drift freely now, he
spends some time unsuccessfully trying to conjure up any actual memories of life
before the cave, life spent with Konzen. He eventually gives up, deciding that
it doesn't really matter anyway. Konzen is here now, and he knows who he
is even if he doesn't have any actual memories. It's like the memories
are there, only invisible. He can feel them, but they just can't
be seen. A spark of happiness ignites in his heart. He actually has a
chance to see Konzen again, to rekindle that relationship from so long ago. The
opportunity is a golden one, indeed, an opportunity as bright as the sun
itself.

However, in the next moment his thoughts are with Sanzo, and that spark of
joy becomes a flame of sadness and worry. When will he see Sanzo again? What
will become of their relationship when he does, and is Sanzo even going to be
okay? Does getting Sanzo back mean that he will have to lose Konzen as a result?
What is it that Sanzo needs Konzen to do, and how can he himself help? So many
questions, and he has no answers with which to comfort himself.

Instead, he turns to the one beside him for comfort, the one who now shines
doubly bright, for he is no longer one, but two, both Konzen as
well as Sanzo. Goku closes his eyes, resting against the heavenly blond, and
allows sleep to steal his concerns away.

XXX

The next week is, for Konzen, a whole new experience of awakening. Everything
about this world he now finds himself thrust into is so vivid, so alive,
more so than Heaven ever was. There is just so much, so much texture, so
much richness and fullness to this world. The sensations and emotions are almost
overwhelming, threatening to overload his senses with their intensity.

And then there is Goku. His little monkey boy is all grown up, and has
become so very protective of him, that it almost feels as if their roles of
keeper and pet have been reversed. Goku hovers tirelessly over Konzen, helping
him to adapt and adjust to this new life as best he can, to the point where he
is almost, in a way, shutting Hakkai and Gojyo out. For their part, Hakkai and
Gojyo have come to the conclusion that Sanzo is entering a new stage of
insanity. His behaviour, as far as they can determine, has so far gone from
dangerously malicious and destructive, to suicidal, to subdued, and
now, apparently, he has even lost his grip on his own identity. They are
forced to worry about what state he will fall into next.

XXX

The journey takes them through a few days where they are forced to camp out,
before finally reaching the next town. The sky is dark and overcast as they make
their way through the streets on foot, seeking out an inn for shelter from the
approaching rain. This is the very first storm Konzen has ever experienced. He
does not understand the reason for the hurry his companions seem to be in as
they rush to acquire lodgings, their eyes anxiously watching the sky. They pass
through a market place, the people there scurrying to protect their goods from
water damage and wind. A girl shrieks as thunder crashes loudly, like an
explosion of the air.

Konzen jumps at the sound, his eyes darting nervously as he unconsciously
moves closer to Goku. Goku casts him a look, part amused, part questioning, and
takes hold of Konzen's hand. Konzen glances at Goku, repressing his inclination
to shake off the boy's touch, which he has already become accustomed to and learned to accept. Goku's touch now is not so much
playful and demanding of attention, as it was in Heaven, but more in reassurance and
guidance, protection and comfort. There is often a lingering quality to his
touch now that Konzen does not understand. It is as if Goku is both offering
something and at the same time asking for something in return. There are
unspoken words in Goku's touch, and Konzen does not know how to read them, or
how to respond.

Thunder sounds again, this time drawn out and rumbling deeply. Gojyo grins in
anticipation, exclaiming with charged excitement.

"Whoo-eee! It's gonna be a soaker! We'll be drowned rats in a second
if we don't find a damn inn!"

Hakkai is forced to raise his voice in order to respond over another clap of
thunder.

"It can't be helped! But perhaps we could increase our pace a little!"

Gojyo grins again, and the group falls into a fast walk, Hakkai and Gojyo
leading the way.

A flash of lightning dances fiercely across the sky, and Konzen stops in his
tracks, breaking free of Goku and covering his ears against the onslaught of the
storm. His eyes are wild, his heart pounding in his chest as an internal storm
of frightened anger and confusion begins to brew within him. He lashes out with
his own verbal thunder and electric eyes.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Gojyo and Hakkai turn to him in surprised concern, and Goku places a hand on
Konzen's arm, trying to coax him to relax.

"It's just a storm, you know, with thunder an' rain. Didn't you have
storms in Heaven?"

Konzen stares at him a moment, and then shoves his hand away. So this
is a storm. It feels more like the world is crashing down around him, but it
isn't anything to overreact about. He throws a response at Goku, while in the
process of trying to recollect his dignity and composure.

"No. Never. Just clear skies, forever."

Goku blinks in wonder.

"Whoa, Heaven must be really boring."

For Konzen, this simple remark affects him more than Goku ever intended it
to, striking deep with the sharp blade of truth. A bitter laugh chokes up in
Konzen's throat.

"Ah, Goku, you don't know the half of it."

They can hear the rain seconds before it hits them, striking rooftops as it
approaches like an advancing wall of water. In moments, they are drenched.

"Aww, yuck! Like I said, drowned rats!"

"Then let's make like rats and scurry, shall we?"

In total agreement with Hakkai's suggestion, Gojyo begins to run ahead. Goku
laughs in delight, grabbing an indignant and thoroughly soaked and disgusted
Konzen by the hand once again and dashing after Gojyo. Hakkai waits until
the two pass him by, and then brings up the rear.

XXX

Shelter is found at a cozy little inn at last, and our four drowned rats
proceed to make themselves at home. Konzen, his hair still slightly damp, stands
at the window, staring out at the rain as it pours down from the sky, covering
the street and pounding against the glass. Now that he doesn't actually have to
be out in the storm, he finds himself fascinated by this awesome
spectacle of nature.

He casts a glance over at the table, where the other three are currently
engaged in a game of cards. He had tried playing with them a few nights ago,
rather reluctantly, but hadn't found it to his liking. Not to mention the fact
that Kenren, or rather Gojyo, had treated him as if he were a child, both
perplexed and amused that Sanzo had apparently forgotten the rules.
Konzen had ended up having a fit of frustration and thrown the cards down onto
the ground, which had pissed Gojyo off.

Now, to Gojyo and Hakkai it is almost a relief to see him silently brooding
at the window during a storm. The behaviour is so very Sanzo-ish, that it
serves to reassure them that at least something about the man hasn't
changed, even if it is a behaviour that was in itself never very mentally
healthy to begin with.

Eventually, dusk turns to night, and the downpour dwindles to a steady
drizzle as Gojyo and Hakkai retire to their adjoining room. Left now with only
Konzen and the sound of the rain, any cheer that Goku had been holding onto
quickly fades away. He doesn't mind the rain, but he
hates what it always does to Sanzo, and apparently, to Konzen as well.
It's just not fair. Why does something as simple as a little bit of water
falling from the sky have to cause so much trouble? Don't Sanzo and
Konzen realize that no matter how heavy the torrent, it will never be
enough to extinguish their shining light?

Goku leans on the table, resting his head on his arms. Occasionally,
lightning will illuminate the dimly lit room for an instant, silhouetting Konzen
against the window and throwing his shadow upon the wall. Goku sighs, feeling
suddenly lonely and downcast. Konzen turns to him at the sound.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

Konzen frowns, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"What's the matter with you, monkey?"

"What's... with me? I was just wonderin'... Konzen, why d'you hate the
rain, when you didn't even have rain in Heaven?"

Konzen studies Goku's serious and troubled expression for a moment, the
slight frown remaining on his face.

"I don't hate the rain, Goku."

"You don't? But... but I thought... Sanzo hates the
rain. I thought you hate it too."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, 'cause you're just standin' there, at the window, like he always does,
and... and I hate it, Konzen. I can't stand seein' you like this, and
I'm sick of it, too."

Goku turns away, burying his face in his arms and swallowing the desolation
rising in his throat. Unseen by him, the frown gradually fades from Konzen's
face. From the direction of the window, a soft yet demanding question reaches
Goku's ears.

"Why does Sanzo hate the rain?"

With a sniff, Goku raises his head to meet Konzen's sharp and considering eyes.

"Umm... 'cause it makes him think of somethin' bad that happened once.
He doesn't like to talk about it, but... every time it rains, he gets all moody. I hate it."

"Listen, Goku. I don't hate the rain. I'm not Sanzo, and I don't hate the
rain. I was only watching it, because it's interesting. I like the rain,
Goku. I like the rain."

Goku can only stare in disbelief, as if a small miracle has just taken
place.

"You... you do? You don't hate it?"

Konzen shakes his head, but Goku is not quite satisfied. He wants to be
sure, needs to be sure.

"You mean it doesn't make you feel bad? At all?"

Again, Konzen shakes his head, the corner of his lip twitching up in a
forced, semi-smile.

"I said I like it. What part of that didn't you understand, stupid
monkey brat?"

He hardens his gaze, and lets the frown creep its way back onto his face.
Goku doesn't care, for Goku is smiling, now. The clouds have parted to
let the light shine through once again.

As Konzen watches Goku, a subtle, yet significant, change comes over the
bright, happy look on Goku's face. What Konzen is faced with now is something
much more... alluring, both inviting and teasing all at once. The
reflection of the flame from the candle flickers hypnotically in the boy's shiny
eyes, and suddenly Konzen finds himself strangely spellbound. A shiver of
something that is not fear raises goose bumps on his skin. When Goku speaks
next, it startles Konzen, but not enough to break the hold Goku has over
him.

"You know what I like, Konzen? I like the way Sanzo doesn't
call me 'stupid' anymore. I like how he doesn't hit me anymore, either.
And... I like the way me and him could touch each other, too. But
you know what, Konzen? You're right, you're not Sanzo. I think you
still got a lot to learn about what I like and don't like. But... I can
teach you. I can show you."

Konzen swallows hard, a feeling of warmth inexplicably burning under his
skin. He tries to tell himself that this is Goku, the annoying, dirty, bratty little monkey boy that the old hag had forced into his keeping.
Goku, a child under his care. But... that is no longer the case, is it?
Goku is no longer that little boy, clinging to him with childish, needy hands,
bringing him flowers and messing up his desk. Goku has grown up.

A rush of mixed emotions momentarily consumes him as he stands by the window,
gazing at Goku. Part of him is so sad to have lost that little Goku from
long ago, whom he was forced to leave. Another part of him tells him that
everything is all right, because Goku is safe, and Goku is here, with him
now. Yet another part is confused, because what is it that he feels for the boy
now, now that he no longer needs to play caretaker and parent guardian to the
beautiful golden-eyed creature? Beautiful? Did he just think of
Goku as beautiful?

Konzen forces his eyes to close, trying to set himself free, and leans back
against the window frame. After a moment, a warm touch on his cheek makes him
gasp in surprise, and he snaps open his eyes, only to find himself face to face
with Goku. Without thinking, he strikes out, hitting Goku hard across the face.

"Oww! Konzen!"

"Don't sneak up on me like that, you... you stupid, idiotic
monkey!"

Holding a hand to his stricken cheek, Goku pouts.

"Man, you're not learnin' anything. Maybe you're the dumb one."

Goku smiles cheekily, and then sticks out his tongue. Konzen sneers.

"Why you little.. I ought to..."

"You oughtta what? Hit me again? I might've called you
stupid, but at least I would never hit you. I would never wanna hurt
you."

Suddenly recoiling as if he had been struck, Konzen pales.

"Goku, I..."

"Never mind. He never says he's sorry, and I don't think you do
either. It's okay. I accept that."

Konzen looks away, feeling defeated and somehow drained.

"I wasn't going to apologize."

"I know."

"I was just... I don't want to... hurt you."

Goku just sniffs.

"I know. But... sometimes... I think you forget. You both do. But that's okay.
That's just you, right?"

Hesitantly, Konzen's eyes seek out Goku's. A somewhat shaky moment passes
between them in silence, until finally Goku smiles, his face relaxing.

"Never mind. I don't wanna fight anymore. Lets just go to bed now, 'kay?"

Konzen nods, grateful for the lightening of the mood between them. Minutes
later, as he slips into bed, the mood tenses up again, as Goku slips in beside
him and snuggles close. Konzen quickly and irritably pushes Goku away from him.

"What are you doing, monkey? Get to your own side."

"But... I wanna... I wanna show you."

"Damn it Goku, show me what?"

"What I like. I wanna be close to you."

"Well, I don't, and you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because... just... because, okay? Because I said so."

"Sanzo lets me."

Konzen regards him critically for a moment.

"Just what kind of relationship do you and Sanzo have?"

"A good one! Lemme show you."

Again, Goku snuggles his way up to Konzen, getting as close as he can before
coming up against Konzen's stubborn wall of resistance, made evident by the
tensing up of his body. Goku sighs contentedly, happily breathing in
Sanzo's scent, and for a moment an odd feeling nags at him, as he ponders
on the fact that this is actually Sanzo's body. He shrugs it away, and
wiggles closer to the other, who responds by trying to move away from his
advance.

"Hey, Konzen. How am I suppos' to show you, if you don't let
me?"

"Show me what?"

"This."

Without further ado, Goku leans in for a kiss, pressing their lips together. Konzen stops breathing, too shocked to respond. Encouraged by the fact that Konzen isn't resisting, Goku molds his body against
the one next to him, attempting to deepen the kiss as one hand slides
down to caress Konzen's hip. At the sensual touch, Konzen tenses nervously. Goku raises his head, puzzlement and disappointment splashed all over his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Goku... I don't think... this is right."

"What do you mean, not right?"

"I don't think you and I are meant to be...together like this."

"But... why?"

"I'm supposed to be looking after you, Goku. It would be wrong, if I
were to..."

Konzen frowns, his cheeks flushed as he shakes his head slightly in frustrated confusion. In
irritation, Goku demands clarification.

"Wrong? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Goku, you were like a child. I was taking care of you."

"But... that was then. That was a long, long time ago. This is
now. I'm not a child anymore. I'm not. And I know what I want,
Konzen. I want you, and I know it isn't wrong." I know it.

Konzen sighs.

"Goku... no. Maybe you know what you want, and it's good you're so sure of yourself, but... I'm not. I'm not... ready. Just sleep now, okay?"

For a moment Goku looks as if he will protest, but then he just lays his head
down innocently on Konzen's chest.

"'Kay, you win, for now. But I think you're wrong."

"Sleep."

"Konzen? Will you call me your 'little monkey' from now on?"

Konzen turns his face away with a derisive exhalation of breath.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"'Cause I like it. Sanzo calls me his little monkey."

"I'm not Sanzo."

"I know. Just... just don't call me stupid anymore, 'kay?"

"Hmph. I said go to sleep."

"'Kay. Konzen?"

"What now?"

"I... never mind."

"Fine by me."

But even as he drifts off to sleep, his arms around his Konzen, he can't help
finishing the sentence off silently to himself in his thoughts.

"I really miss Sanzo."

Back to index

Chapter 20: Little Lost Monkey

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 20

Little Lost Monkey

Violet eyes drip with tears of blood, spilling forth in a violent storm of
chaotic madness. A blond figure kneels in the resulting pool of red, his body
slowly sinking into the vile puddle. He laughs insanely, his hand clutching a
familiar weapon, aiming it cruelly at his own head.

Goku screams, crawling through the sticky red liquid to reach the other man's
side, even as the laughter becomes words, echoing darkly in Goku's mind.

"Are you ready to die, my silly little monkey? Watch me die."

The gun goes off, and Goku does watch, as a blond corpse falls forward, only
to be hungrily swallowed up within the sea of blood and darkness surrounding
them both.

"No! Sanzo! Sanzo!"

XXX

Konzen watches as Goku whimpers and twitches fretfully in his sleep,
seemingly troubled by dreams. He scowls in consternation, momentarily torn
between what he wants to do and a feeling of hesitancy that holds him back.
Finally, he sighs, and gives in to his desire to offer comfort, his hand moving
to gently stroke Goku's back. After a couple of minutes of this treatment, Goku
relaxes, and then slowly cracks open his eyes. Quickly, Konzen pulls his hand
away.

Goku blinks a few times, looking a little dazed and disoriented, until Konzen
speaks his name. Immediately, Goku looks up in relief, seeking out the source of
the familiar voice.

"Sanzo?"

Konzen squints, his face tensing in an expression of mild accusation and
disappointment at the name that falls so readily from Goku's lips. As Goku's
eyes clear and focus on Konzen's disapproving glare, his still sleepy face
displays its realization.

"Oh. Konzen. I... had a bad dream."

Konzen looks away, the perfect image of boredom and indifference, even though
a secret pang of jealousy and inadequacy rise up and lodge their way into
his heart, sinking into its most tender, vulnerable places and taking root there
against his will.

"A dream. About Sanzo?"

"Yeah. He... there was so much blood. I... it was
bad."

Konzen shivers involuntarily at the mention of blood, at the painful memories it
provokes, memories of death, violence and loss.

"Hmph. Forget it. It was only a dream. It means
nothing."

"Yeah, I guess. Konzen? You... you must know a lot about... death... and
stuff, being a god and all, right? Plus, you've already gone through all that.
Death, I mean. Right? Konzen?"

Konzen shudders again, swallowing back an unpleasant sensation of nausea.

"Don't... talk to me about death. I've had enough death to last an
eternity."

"Oh. Sorry. I just... never mind."

Konzen remembers now the dreams he himself had been having, when he was alive
in Heaven. Dreams he now knows were of Sanzo and his human life, a life that he
now finds himself living. Konzen stares at his hands, clutching tightly at the
blanket, his thoughts growing increasingly more troubled.

Those memories are from when he was alive. But he had died.
Does that mean he is dead now, just a spirit inhabiting this body? This
body... it belongs to Sanzo... but... he is Sanzo, is he not? Sanzo is what he
will one day become, upon rebirth. Then, what is he doing here now? Konzen died,
he should be dead. He should be Sanzo.

Goku, the effects of the dream losing impact now that he is awake, feels his
own concerns fading into nothing as he observes Konzen's ovbious distress.

"Konzen?"

Konzen looks up sharply, a spooked and haunted expression clouding his eyes.
Words fall harshly from his tongue, flung at Goku in a disguise of impetuous
venom to mask his own distress.

"I'm not Sanzo."

Somewhat taken aback, Goku is at a loss for words. Konzen doesn't wait for
him to collect himself, he simply frowns and throws aside the covers viciously,
getting out of bed and stalking off to the bathroom. Goku winces as Konzen slams
the door shut behind him, and again when another loud bang emits from
behind the door, followed by a string of colourful curses.

Goku stares at the door, and lets out a strained breath of air. To himself,
he whispers a belated response.

"I know. But that doesn't mean you aren't just as shiny. Besides, Sanzo
was you. He came from you. And man, you can be just as
frustrating, too."

Goku shakes his head with a sigh, and flops back down on the bed to
wait for Konzen to emerge from his refuge.

XXX

The day gets under way, the mood somewhat tense due to Konzen's extra cranky
attitude this morning. During breakfast he refuses to eat, just sitting with his
arms crossed, positioned as far down on the bench from Goku as possible. For
some reason, Goku can't help feeling a little guilty, as if it is somehow his
fault that Konzen is so upset. Throughout the meal, Goku keeps glancing his way,
until finally, he lets his chopsticks rest.

"Hey, Kon..."

He glances quickly across the table at Hakkai and Gojyo, and lowers his
voice.

"I mean... I guess I should say Sanzo..."

Konzen whirls on him angrily.

"Shut up! I'm not Sanzo!"

His fist comes down hard on the table, rattling the dishes and
turning the heads of other patrons in the inn's tiny restaurant.

Goku recoils from this unexpected outburst, and Hakkai and Gojyo stop
pretending that they don't have their eyes on Sanzo's behaviour this morning,
giving him their full attention. Gojyo adopts a stern expression, while Hakkai remains calm and mild mannered as he addresses the irate blond.

"Sanzo, if there's a problem, perhaps we should discuss it now before it gets
out of hand."

Konzen, his face flushed with riled emotions and ill temper, responds
vehemently.

"I'm fucking fine."

Suddenly looking slightly embarrassed, Konzen straightens in his chair,
drawing his clenched fists into his lap. In a quieter voice, he repeats his
assurance.

"I'm fine."

Hakkai smiles and picks up his own eating utensils again.

"If that's the case, then why don't you have your breakfast? You'll
feel even better if you eat something."

Gojyo chuckles a little.

"You know, it's actually pretty normal for Sanzo to have a
temper-tantrum."

Konzen glares silent daggers across the table, and Goku just looks oddly
uncomfortable, when Hakkai cuts in.

"Now, now. Lets not get all worked up again. Sanzo, Gojyo, Goku... please
finish your food, I expect to see those plates polished off completely!"

Gojyo rolls his eyes, and Goku turns to his plate, methodically shoveling the
food into his mouth. To him, the food seems to have become devoid of any taste.
Gojyo kicks lightly at Goku's leg under the table, getting his attention.

"Hey, monkey. Bet you can't clean your plate off as good as I can."

Goku looks up, feeling wasted, but never the less, manages an almost
automatic response to the challenge.

"Oh yeah? Watch this, you oversized cockroach."

The rate of his food shoveling increases, and Gojyo follows suit, relieved
that he was able to get a favourable response from Goku.

The others thus occupied with their own plates, Konzen takes the opportunity
to pretend to nibble a little at his food, although his appetite is less than cooperative,
and his mood still far from fine.

XXX

The weather is calm and clear as they make their way outside and prepare to
leave town. Goku is glum, wanting very much to reach out to Konzen and offer
some comfort, as has become second-nature for him of late, but... Konzen is angry
with him, and he finds he can't even look at him now without feeling ashamed of
himself. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt Konzen, but he doesn't
know how to make it better, especially since he isn't even sure what he did to
upset the other in the first place.

Soon, settled side by side in the jeep, he watches Konzen out of the corner
of his eye, noting the sulky and distracted look on the fair face, as Konzen
stares at the back of Gojyo's seat. As he continues to observe his companion,
those violet eyes suddenly flick in his direction, and the result is that they are
both unexpectedly caught in the act of stealing secret glances at each other.
Goku offers a small, anxious smile, to which Konzen responds by turning his head
quickly away. Goku slumps in his seat, feeling disheartened.

Hakkai and Gojyo are engaged in a brief discussion; about what Goku neither
knows nor cares. The result is that Gojyo goes back inside the inn, leaving them
to wait outside. Gradually, Goku becomes aware of a slightly withdrawn and
sluggish feeling coming over him. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of
the unpleasant listlessness. With a sense of urgency that is almost desperate in
nature, he longs for some kind of contact with Konzen, any form of
acknowledgment or reassurance at all. He opens his mouth to speak, not even
knowing what he intends to say, but all that will come out is a very faint,
strangled groan. Numbness begins to creep into his mind, dulling the panic that
is beginning to set in. He clenches and unclenches his fists, trying to focus on
this activity as a way to keep himself from blanking out altogether.

If only Konzen would look at him, surely he would see how much he needs him
right now, but... he is being ignored. Ignored, rejected and abandoned. The
sun will not grace him with its light, and he is lost, left alone in the cold
darkness to fend for himself. Silently, he cries out for help, help that refuses
to look his way.

XXX

Hakkai, unaware of the internal struggle that is currently taking place
behind him, waits patiently for Gojyo to return from his minor mission. Konzen,
equally unaware, likewise is forced to wait, although in his case it is with far
less patience that he does so. As they wait, a pair of strangers approach the
jeep, and Hakkai goes on alert as he realizes that they are demons, their faces
hooded in an attempt at concealing their demonic features from the public
eye.

Hakkai exits the jeep, standing at its side. Konzen is staring at the demons
in irritated curiosity, not yet aware that there is reason for concern, when
Hakkai calls back quietly over his shoulder to Goku. When there is no response,
he calls again, still receiving no acknowledgement. Risking a quick glance, he
turns to check on Goku's position, his breath catching at the sight of the
unresponsive state that Goku has fallen into. That look is too recently familiar
for comfort, but Hakkai wonders; why has Goku suddenly become stricken again? He
is obviously upset about Sanzo this morning, could that be the reason?

In any case, Goku will be useless in a fight right now. Sanzo also will be of
not much help, as they can't risk putting a weapon into his hands. As for Gojyo,
he must have been delayed or distracted by something inside, most likely a
pretty waitress or some such thing, for he has still not returned. That leaves
Hakkai alone to handle the present situation.

The hooded demons have stopped a short, safe distance from the jeep, and now
one of them, the female, comes forward a couple more steps.

"Greetings. The purpose of our visit is to see Genjo Sanzo. However, I count
only three of you, when I know your group to consist of four. Could it be,
perhaps, that Genjo Sanzo is no longer with you?"

Hakkai muses on the oddness of such a question. Could these two, perhaps,
have been sent to determine the success of the attack on Sanzo's mind?

In case this is so, he must be careful to give nothing away. Moving slowly so
as not to raise any alarm, he takes off his headband, exposing to view the
artificial chakra hidden beneath.

"I am Genjo Sanzo. What business have you with me?"

The demon regards him appraisingly for a moment, and then bows slightly
before responding.

"Ah. Genjo Sanzo. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. May I ask, how
do you feel? I trust that all is well with you?"

A mocking smile touches her lips.

"Very well indeed, thank you. Now I must request that you cut the crap
and get to the point. I don't have all day to engage in useless small talk with
two demons such as yourselves."

Hakkai keeps his voice as steady, clear and composed as possible, which isn't
a problem, since this comes naturally to him anyway, and his eyes are fixed,
intently yet calmly, on the demon's face.

The demon's grin becomes a malicious smirk.

"Well then, we shall get straight to the point, as you so kindly
suggest."

She snaps her fingers, and instantly, the demon at her side whips out a
blowgun, and sends a dart flying in Hakkai's direction.

Hakkai dodges, successfully avoiding the attack, and leaps back into his
place at the steering wheel, starting the engine and shouting commands behind
him, hoping they will be obeyed.

"Get down behind the seats! Bring Goku with you!"

Stunned by the unexpected violence, Konzen does not at first react. He looks
towards Goku, puzzled by Hakkai's order concerning him, and grows alarmed by
what he sees. He responds by freezing up with uncertainty and an advancing fear.
The jeep begins to back quickly away from the scene of attack, and another dart
goes whizzing by, narrowly missing its intended target. Hakkai shouts another
order behind him.

"Get down now! With Goku! Now!"

Konzen rouses himself into action, getting a grip on his fear as best he can,
and lunges at Goku, pulling him into shelter and holding him protectively
close.

Relieved, Hakkai turns his attention back to driving. He has decided to try
making an escape, rather than risk fighting and exposing his two vulnerable
friends to danger. Besides, if he were to attack, he would be giving away his
identity, and that is not something he is willing to do so readily if there are
other options available. Ideally, he would like at least one of these opponents
to remain alive in order to take back a report of apparent sanity to enemy
headquarters. Of course, if it comes down to it, he won't hesitate to attack in
order to protect Sanzo and Goku from harm.

Turning off onto a side street, Hakkai speeds away, attempting to put some
distance between his group and their foes, and hopefully find someplace safe to
hide and possibly stage an ambush.

XXX

Konzen's eyes are squeezed shut as he crouches behind the seats with Goku,
holding the boy tightly against his body as if both their lives depend on it. As
for Goku, his mind lock is gradually beginning to ease up in response to
Konzen's embrace, which is providing him with the comfort necessary for
sustaining and restoring his functional stability. Neither Goku nor Konzen see
the shadow swoop overhead, as their Attackers pursue upon a flying dragon.
Hakkai swerves the jeep to avoid another dart, and the sudden motion helps Goku
to snap out of his stupor.

Confused, he is at first aware of nothing but Konzen next to him, and nothing
else seems of any significance as he drinks in the healing effects of this
closeness. He opens his eyes just in time to see the female demon unexpectedly
jump from the dragon and land in the back of the jeep.

Even as Hakkai slams on the brakes, the demon slashes at Konzen with a
glittering silver blade. This action is followed by blood and a cry of pain as
the knife hits its mark on the back of Konzen's neck, slicing into the flesh.
But there is also a cry of surprise from the demon's lips, as well.

For luckily, Goku, acting on instinct and barely even aware of what he is
doing, save that he is doing it for Konzen, has pulled himself together just in
time and just enough to catch the enemy's hand and prevent the injury from
becoming a fatality. But he is able to do no more, freezing in position with his
hand locked in a death grip upon the creature's arm. She drops the knife with
another cry as the bones in her arm begin to crack beneath the pressure. As the
blade slides along his neck in its descent, Konzen gasps in pain, and, out of
the corner of his eye, sees the demon reach into her belt and pull out a dart,
jabbing it into Goku's arm.

Impulsively, Konzen picks up the discarded knife and thrusts it into the
demon's belly with an enraged cry of anguish and fright. The demon stumbles back
into the rear seat, body twisting in agony. Konzen follows her with the knife,
cutting deeper as the blade slices upwards into its victim's gut. Blood gushes
hotly upon his hands and still he does not stop, thrusting the knife within the
twitching, gasping body.

By the time Hakkai has stopped the vehicle and turned in his seat, the action
is already over, the demon as good as dead. He turns his attention to the one
still in the air, as it descends to attempt an attack at closer range. Hakkai
grabs the dart embedded in the seat next to him, and waits.

As the demon brings the blowgun to his lips, Hakkai moves, whipping the dart
manually through the air. Struck, the flying dragon staggers mid-air, and loses
power of flight. Cursing, the demon leaps from its back, landing and rolling
upon the ground. In a flash, Hakkai is upon him, sticking him in the throat with
yet another misfired dart. As he had suspected, the dart proves to be imbued
with a substance of some sort, and the demon falls into unconsciousness. Staying
just long enough to ensure that their opponent is truly out cold, Hakkai hurries back
to the jeep to check its remaining occupants.

XXX

Konzen is still clutching the handle of the knife where it protrudes from the dead demon's stomach, which has been slit completely open in a gruesome display of its contents. Covered in blood, both his own and that of his victim, Konzen has gone ghostly pale, shivering in a cold sweat. A sudden wave of nausea washes over him, causing him to gag and vomit uncontrollably.

Goku, semi-conscious and slumped against the seat, clutches at Konzen's pant
leg, trying to draw his attention and calm him down.

"Kon... zen. It's okay... its over... Konzen."

Konzen, faint and dizzy, turns to him, and the sight
of the beloved golden eyes, dim as they presently are, relaxes him somewhat. Still
he jumps and cries out in surprise when Hakkai attempts to remove his hands from
the knife. He is clutching the weapon so tightly, that it just ends up getting
pulled out of the body, with a sickening sound. Konzen wretches again, violently, as Hakkai pries the knife from a grip slippery with blood, and tosses it aside.

Goku looks on, struggling to stay awake and aware, as Hakkai proceeds to
attend to Konzen's injury. Only when he is certain that his Konzen is going to
be all right does he allow his eyes to drift shut. Due to his tremendous
strength and resistance, the effect of the drug in the dart has not proven
entirely effective, and total unconsciousness evades him. He merely lies
listlessly, concentrating on pulling himself completely out of his mental lapse,
still clutching tightly to Konzen's pant leg in an act of reassurance for both
their sake's.

Hakkai checks Goku over quickly, but upon finding him otherwise unharmed,
hurries back behind the wheel and heads to rendezvous with Gojyo.

XXX

They have found a small, secluded place to hole up as they recover, in the
residence of the town doctor, where hopefully they will not be found if the
other demon should choose to pursue them upon his awakening.

Goku is recovering nicely, and is currently in the process of trying to
soothe a badly shocked and traumatized Konzen. All traces of blood have since
been washed away, but still he holds his hands away from himself as if they were
covered in the offending matter. All Goku can do is hold Konzen's trembling body
and speak to him softly, ensuring that he is kept warm and comforted. His lips
trace over the back of Konzen's neck repeatedly in a pattern of proof to both
himself and Konzen that the so nearly disastrous injury has been healed and is
now a thing of the past.

Eventually, with Goku's efforts, and the help of some sleeping tablets
provided by the doctor, Konzen falls into a deep sleep, his breathing finally
relaxed and even and the tremors in his body subsiding. Goku breaths a heavy
sigh of relief, and at last allows himself to rest as well.

XXX

When he awakens again, it is well into the night. They have not been
disturbed, left to rest for as long as required in the small room set aside for
patient care. A pitcher and glasses for water have been set out for them, as
well as another dose of tablets, and so Goku knows that someone has been in to
check on them. The room is dark and quiet, the only sound being the steady beat
of their hearts and the gentle rhythm of restful breathing. Konzen is lying
peacefully at Goku's side, and Goku silently considers the present
circumstances.

He himself has already put the battle almost entirely out of his mind, so
used is he to the inevitable bloodshed and killing of their never ending demon
assailants on this journey west. It has taken him by surprise to see how badly
upset by the whole incident Konzen has become. Konzen and Sanzo are supposed to
be the same soul, and yet Sanzo never reacts in such a way. True, Sanzo
has perhaps been able to harden himself to it over time, and it is also true
that the monk avoids messy, bloody kills with his choice of weapon, but still...
Goku has a hard time imagining that Sanzo would ever have been affected even
half as badly as this.

He is forced to conclude that life in Heaven has kept Konzen too safe,
protected his from the harshness of physical pain and shielded him for the most
part from the brutal truth of mortality.

Perhaps that is the fundamental difference between Konzen and Sanzo. Whereas
Konzen was free from pain of any sort, living an existence almost sterile in its
monotony, Sanzo has been forced to endure pain, both physical and emotional, up
to levels almost beyond the limits of his endurance. Goku wonders; if Sanzo had
been born into a life of happiness and peace, what kind of a man would he have
become?

His thoughts are cut short as Konzen begins to groggily stir from sleep.
Wanting to be right there for him as he awakens, Goku shifts closer, placing a
hand over one of Konzen's to hopefully discourage them from being the source of
any more freaking out concerning blood and the act of stabbing. Konzen whimpers
slightly as he comes to, tucking in his chin and drawing his arms close to his
body. Goku gives him another series of soft kisses to the back of the neck as he
waits for him to reach full awareness.

Konzen opens his eyes at last, the soft darkness easy on his senses, his body
warm and relaxed. As such, he does not immediately recall in full detail the
horror he has experienced. He becomes aware of someone else's presence, and it
is so very sweet and comforting that he does not doubt whose arms are around
him. He wets his lips and whispers Goku's name into the dark. Goku's response is
nothing more than a gentle murmur.

Konzen relaxes even more, and, as the memories start to come back more
vividly, he is able to brace himself against the onslaught by using the comfort
that Goku provides.

"Goku, I... I had blood... on my hands. I killed that woman, didn't I? I
killed her. Goku... I killed, I killed, killed..."

"Shhh... it's okay. It's all over now. We just did what we had to do."

Konzen swallows loudly.

"But... I'm... gods aren't supposed to kill."

"You're not a god anymore."

"But... I haven't been reborn as human yet. And I... took a life. So much...
blood, Goku, the blood.

"It's gone now. We washed it all away."

"But... I'm afraid of the blood, Goku."

"Shhh... you don't have to be afraid anymore. It's all over."

"I'm afraid of death."

"You're not dead now. You're alive, with me. I won't let you die."

"But I'm... I think I am dead. I died. Not supposed to be here. And... I'm
afraid of Sanzo."

This last statement is unexpected by Goku, and it disturbs him more than any
of the others. Sanzo also had complained of feeling dead, and... Konzen says he is
afraid of Sanzo?

"Konzen. Why're you afraid of... of Sanzo?"

Konzen whimpers a little as if to protest the question, his earlier state of distress beginning to return. Goku's lips tenderly caress Konzen's neck again, and the
attention soon settles Konzen down. Goku repeats his question, and after a
moment, Konzen feels ready to try an explanation.

"Because... when I die... when I'm reborn... I will become Sanzo. I will
become what he is... a murderer, a killer. I will be born into his
pain. I'm afraid of that."

Goku feels saddened by this confession. He is sad for Sanzo and sad for
Konzen, sad for all the pain that they share, and he isn't even sure how to
offer comfort. In the end, he simply lets his heart speak for him.

"No. I don't think of Sanzo as a murderer. He's not just a cold-hearted
killer. I'm not afraid of him."

"But you... you would say that. You... you love him. You love
Sanzo."

"I love you, too, Konzen. I love you."

Konzen is quiet for a moment, concentrating on the feel of Goku's lips
against his skin. Suddenly, he makes a decision, forcing open a dam of resistance and doubt with a flood of unconstrained longing and emotion. He
whispers his request in a soft release of breath.

"Then... prove it to me. Show me. Teach me... Goku."

As Konzen begins to tremble in his arms, Goku understands his meaning, and
what Konzen wants. So he does just that. Gently, slowly, he shows Konzen that he
loves him, and teaches him just how much that means.

XXX

Goku awakens the nest morning to a blood-curdling scream of pure agony.
Leaping awake, he nearly panics to see Konzen writhing in apparent pain,
clutching at his chest so hard that his nails are digging into the flesh enough
to draw blood. His face is contorted and streaked with tears, his body twitching
uncontrollably as he alternates between screaming and struggling for breath.
Goku is torn between staying and going for help, when the door bursts open,
admitting Hakkai, Gojyo and the doctor.

Before they can even reach the bed, however, Konzen's fit has subsided, and
he lies still, breathing harshly. The doctor begins checking him over, casting
Goku a disapproving glance at the implications of their nakedness. Hakkai
stands by attentively, and as this is taking place, Gojyo collects Goku's clothing,
indicating for him to get dressed. Goku does so, all the while anxiously keeping
a close watch on the doctor's progress.

After a few moments, the man proclaims Konzen to be free of any danger, and pins the cause of the fit on emotional strain or
possibly due to the insanity of which he had been informed that his patient
suffers from. All he can do is cover Konzen snuggly in blankets and advise that
he be left to rest. As the doctor leaves the room, shaking his head, Hakkai
sends a thank you out with him, and then sinks into a chair at the bedside.

"Goku. Can you tell us anything else? Did something happen to trigger
this?"

"N-n-no... no... I just... woke up to... s-s-scream-ing-ing."

Suddenly worried that perhaps Goku is on the verge of another breakdown,
Hakkai signals his concern to Gojyo and begins to speak reassuringly.

"Goku. Sanzo's going to be fine. He's fine now, Goku."

Gojyo meanwhile takes up the task of rubbing Goku on the back to help calm
him down. After he seems to be assured that Sanzo is really okay, they get him
to swallow the sleeping tablets as a relaxant, and let him lie down to rest next
to Sanzo.

Quietly, Hakkai indicates to Gojyo the fact that Sanzo's chakra has, oddly
enough, again disappeared.

In a sudden disturbance of the room's quiet, Sanzo begins to laugh softly,
and his eyes open wide. The laughter stops as abruptly as it began, and Sanzo
calls out for Goku, turning his head until he is able to see him.

"Goku? Goku... I. Know. What. We have to do. Now. Oh, oh, my silly little
monkey, are you afraid? Are you afraid of... the dark? Goku?"

Goku sits up slowly, staring very carefully into a pair of amethyst eyes.

"Sanzo? Is that you, Sanzo? Is it really you?"

Sanzo nods his head, his face twitching every so often as his eyes fall out
of focus.

"Goku. My... little... monkey. Mymonkey, mine. The little lost god
is... all locked up, in here."

Sanzo points to his head, tapping it with his finger.

"All locked up... bad little god, bad Konzen. Monkey
thief... stole my monkey. But... he can still join our game, because... we
can't play without him. No, no, no. Bad little god, nasty thief, can
still help us, right, Goku? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes."

Sanzo laughs again for a moment, just a faint chuckle. All Goku can do, part
overjoyed and part terrified, is just sit there and cry as he listens to his
Sanzo's crazy, almost delirious words.

Back to index

Chapter 21: The Promise

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 21

The Promise

Sanzo has returned, but apparently, his sanity has not.

He lies fitfully unaware and unresponsive, as if caught in a waking dream where Goku's presence does not even exist. To see him like this now, tossing his head and writhing restlessly upon the sheets, would almost be erotic, if it weren't so maddeningly frightening.

As Sanzo lies stretched out naked and half exposed beneath a tangle of blanket, moaning softly in distress, he almost appears feverish, except that he isn't running a temperature. No, this
fever is of the mind alone.

Goku finds the sight as alluring as it is disturbing.

Goku's Sanzo...

Goku's beautiful, deranged, perfectly unholy Sanzo.

Sitting next to Sanzo as he watches over him, Goku fidgets nervously with the
hem of his pant leg, his bare foot peeking out innocently. He licks his lips
absently, love and lust, fear and worry all mingling together like a concoction
of confusion. He can almost taste it, like sweet poison on his
tongue.

Sanzo cries out suddenly, an exquisite expression of pain, his blank, exotic
eyes staring up at the ceiling as if blind to reality. Goku blinks owlishly in
the dim light, and shifts position to carefully straddle Sanzo's hips, gently
capturing his agitated hands by the wrists. Sanzo makes no response, no sign of
awareness of Goku's actions, his head thrown back in anguished grace. Goku takes
the opportunity to lean in and lick the exposed throat, the tip of his tongue
teasing over the pulse a little guiltily, stealing a forbidden taste of pure,
undiluted sunlight.

Sanzo wears Goku's own scent and taste upon his skin, and Goku's heart aches
because of it.

Sanzo, his Sanzo, says he does not want him. But he and Konzen had not
hesitated to use his body for their own desire. Was it wrong? Is this
wrong?

Goku presses his cheek against Sanzo's neck, closing his eyes softly. Sanzo
finally realxes beneath his gentle restraint, drifting at last into untroubled
sleep. Goku sighs and lifts his head slowly, almost wearily, to gaze at the
sleeping face. Languorously, he releases the slim wrists in his grasp, his hands
instead moving to smooth back tousled blond hair with an almost reverent touch.
He whispers Sanzo's name once, full of longing and loss, before giving up his
position and moving to sit again at Sanzo's side to await his awakening.

XXX

When Sanzo opens his eyes, they are clear and focused, the false fever gone.
When they turn Goku's way, and light upon his face, Goku smiles and offers a
hushed greeting.

"Hey. You feeling better?"

Sanzo does not answer, mild confusion momentarily clouding his features with
a slight pout. Goku can't help but find the look endearing, coming from
Sanzo.

"Sanzo? I'm glad you're back. I missed you. I didn't even know if you were
okay, so... I was worried."

Sanzo sighs deeply, closing his eyes.

"Silly. I didn't ask for your concern."

"I know, but... Ican't help it. Sanzo, is... is Konzen okay, too? He's
still with you, right?"

At this, Sanzo re-opens his eyes, and they spark now with a wild light. He
fixes that gleam on Goku with a harshness that matches his voice.

"Whose monkey are you, Goku? Hmm? Naughty monkey ran off with the bad,
bad little god. He can't have you, but I..."

Abruptly, the harshness is replaced with a weaker, more hesitant sound, and
the wicked gleam in his eyes fades to nothing but a dull sheen.

"But I don't... Maybe...I'm the one who's bad."

Abruptly he thrashes his head from side to side, as if trying to clear the
disturbance from his mind. Goku responds with quick determination, taking
Sanzo's head in his hands in an attempt to still him. The action has the exact
opposite effect, however. Sanzo rips and scratches at Goku's hands, and he does
not stop even when he accidentally catches his own face with the violence of his
hysteria. This only seems to increase his frenzy.

"No! Don't touch me! I told you not to touch me!"

Goku quickly withdraws his hands, feeling helpless as Sanzo presses his own
palms over his eyes, calmer now, but still distressed.

"Goku... I'm trying to... but it's hard... to think clearly, anymore. I can't
think. But I know... I know the rules now. Goku...I can't do it
anymore, I'm no good, Goku, broken and useless. Sanzo is dead, dead,
dead"

"Sanzo, stop it, listen to me. You're not dead, so stop
saying that."

"Goku, my monkey, my little monkey. Can't you see? You can't
see, can you? Your eyes... you stared at the sun and it burnt you
blind. I'll show you... show you the dark."

"Sanzo, I can see. I see you."

A half laugh, half sob breaks from Sanzo's throat.

"It burns, Goku. It burns. My mind is on fire. Burning. Burning out. It
hurts, Goku, it hurts. Soon, soon there'll be nothing left... but
darkness."

Goku huddles on the bed, afraid, so afraid. He sneaks his hand towards Sanzo,
clutching lightly at the blanket covering him, not daring to actually touch
Sanzo directly for fear of setting him off again. He just sits like this
miserably, listening to the sound of Sanzo breathing.

When the door opens and the doctor lets himself in, this is how he finds
them. He pauses for a moment in the doorway, observing the two occupants of the
room. Goku looks up dully, and when their eyes meet, the doctor squints in
narrow-eyed distaste.Goku chooses to remain apathetic to the obvious dislike in
that glance as the man approaches, addressing Sanzo in a friendly, professional
manner.

"Well, well, I see you're awake. How do you feel now, young man?"

Sanzo deliberately ignores the intrusion, his hands still pressed against his
face. Despite the lack of welcome, the doctor proceeds to perform the duties
required of him.

"Now, I'm just going to check you over and make sure everything is okay. Your
name is Sanzo, isn't it? Try to relax, Sanzo, all right?"

Goku looks on apprehensively as the doctor uses a stethoscope to listen to
Sanzo's heart. After a time, the man frowns slightly. He glances up at Sanzo,
and the frown deepens when he notices the fresh scratch marks on his patient's
cheeks. He glances at Goku in sharp accusation.

"Hmm... You should have called me if your... friend was having
problems. He didn't have another fit, did he?"

"Umm... not like before. He just, he didn't wanna be touched."

The doctor does not seem at all pleased with that answer, raising his bushy
brows. As far as he is concerned, Goku has already touched his patient quite
enough as it is. With a heavy sigh, he turns his full attention to Sanzo,
speaking with a slow emphasis now as if addressing a child or a half-wit.

"Can you look at me, please? Let me see your eyes."

Sanzo's answer is a violent shake of the head.

"It's all right, I just need to see if you've hurt your eyes."

As he speaks, he attempts to manually remove Sanzo's hands himself, to which
he gets a reaction he definitely wasn't prepared for. Sanzo screams and strikes
out at him.

"No! Don't fucking touch me! Get the hell away from
me!"

Goku manages to catch his wrists and prevent him from actually hitting the
doctor, who, startled, quickly backs away from the bed.

"Well then... we'll just... leave it at that then shall we?"

Sanzo thrashes on the bed, screaming and struggling against Goku's hold.

The commotion soon summons Hakkai and Gojyo to the scene. Gojyo wastes no time in
moving to assist Goku in restraining Sanzo, helping to hold him still. Hakkai
quickly assesses the situation.

"Doctor, a sedative would be much appreciated."

The man curtly nods his head and bustles from the room. He soon returns,
holding a syringe in one hand as he rushes to the bedside.

"Hold his arm still."

Goku takes one look at the needle and nearly knocks it from the doctor's hand
in alarm. He's never seen a syringe before, and it calls to mind the darts so
recently used against them in yesterday's attack. A fierce, angry protectivness
boils to the surface of his being. Nobody sticks sharp, pointy objects
into his Sanzo and gets away with it.One hand shoots out and grasps the
doctor's wrist tightly.The man looks into his eyes and stutters, choking on the
sudden, unexpected rage staring back at him. Hakkai steps forward to intervene.

"Goku, please. He wants to help Sanzo. The needle contains a sedative,
something to calm him down. Don't you want to help Sanzo, Goku?"

Doubt and suspicion flicker in Goku's eyes, until he reluctantly releases the
man.The abused doctor hisses in pain and grimaces as he rubs his bruised wrist.
All the while, Sanzo continues to struggle, the hand Goku had released to fend
of the threatening object now clawing away frantically at his captor's skin.
Goku seems not to feel it, so intent is he on warily watching the doctor's
position. Gojyo glances at Hakkai rather desperately, silently urging him to
mediate the situation. Hakkai needs no prompting.

"Goku, please hold Sanzo's arm. Let the doctor help.He needs to give the
needle before Sanzo hurts himself."

Goku nods, presses Sanzo's arm to the bed, and watches suspiciously as the
doctor cautiously leans in to insert the needle. Goku winces when it breaks the
skin, and holds his breath apprehensively as the sedative is injected into
Sanzo's bloodstream. When finished, the doctor escapes from his close proximity
to the apparently potentially dangerous occupants of the bed.

Soon, the drug begins to take effect, and Sanzo ceases to struggle. He looks
Goku in the eyes imploringly as his body relaxes against his will, and in
another moment he drops off completely, his head falling limply to the side.

The doctor breathes a sigh of relief and wipes his brow.

"Well, this is turning out to be quite the morning, isn't it? As to your
friend's condition, I'm afraid I don't have much insight regarding his mental
state, as that's really not my area of practice, but... Does he often have
fits like this?"

Hakkai answers.

"No, I'm afraid this is a new development. What about his physical
condition?"

"Well, his heart rate is still rather high and slightly irregular, which does concern me somewhat,
and he's apparently been scratching at his face as well, which the boy
here neglected to bring to anyone's attention."

"I see. Thank you, doctor."

The doctor peers at Hakkai with more curiosity than concern in his eyes.

"Now, what are you young fellows planning to do? You say you're traveling,
but surely it isn't wise to continue when your friend is in such a bad way."

"I'm afraid we have no choice, doctor."

"Well then, I can only wish you luck."

"Thank you."

XXX

When Sanzo comes to, Goku is still waiting at his side. Sanzo blinks and
sleepily raises a hand to push back his hair. Still somewhat dazed from the
lingering effects of the drug, his eyes are half-closed and on the verge of
dropping shut again. Goku clears his throat softly to alert Sanzo to his
presence before he speaks.

"Sanzo? How d'you feel?"

Sanzo seems confused, and he apparently has to consider Goku's question
carefully before he can venture to give an answer.

"Lousy. What happened? Did... something bad happen?"

"You where just a little upset."

"Was I? But I feel strange... heavy."

"The doctor gave you somethin'. To make you sleep."

"Oh."

"Sanzo? You look really tired. Maybe you should sleep more."

Sanzo frowns and shakes his head a little.

"Sleep? I... Where are we, Goku? What doctor?"

"We're at a doctor's place to rest up. We were attacked and Konzen... Konzen was really freaked. We needed a place to hide out."

"No. No, no. We can't stay here, Goku. West. We have to go... west."

"We will. But Hakkai said we'd wait until you were rested."

"No. I don't have time to wait. No time. My mind... on fire. Can't
think. No time to rest. No time to stop."

Sanzo sits up, working his way to the edge of the bed. After a moment, he
pushes himself up and walks slowly into the bathroom, bumping into the doorframe
on the way. Almost unconsciously, Goku shifts his way into the abandoned place
on the bed, so invitingly infused with Sanzo's body heat as it is.

At the sink, Sanzo splashes cold water on his face from the tap. But when he
stops to run wet fingers through his hair, raising his eyes tohis reflection in
the mirror as he does so, something catches in his mind. He ends up just
standing, staring into his own eyes for so long, that Goku, watching from the
bed, begins to grow uneasy. Finally, he calls out to Sanzo, and when he gets no
response, his unease slithers over into real worry.

He jumps out of bed and approaches the tiny bathroom, standing in the
doorway. It almost looks as if Sanzo has fallen into another trance, leaning
with his hands on the edge of the sink as he stares into the mirror.

"Sanzo?"

No answer, no movement. Nothing. Not even when Goku raises his voice. So Goku
reaches out and puts a hand on Sanzo's shoulder, skin pleasantly warm beneath
his touch. Sanzo jumps, and he forces his gaze away from the mirror with an
effort of concentration in order to face Goku.

"Goku?"

He eyes dart rapidly from one of Goku's eyes to the other, never settling on
either one,until his gaze wanders almost uncontrollably back towards the mirror.
Before Sanzo has a chance to become transfixed again, however, Goku takes
action, gently but firmly pulling Sanzo towards him. He ends up having to
physically turn Sanzo's face away from the mirror, as well.

"Sanzo, look at me. Look at me. You're here with me.
Right? Sanzo?"

Sanzo looks so confused, so lost in some other world, that it frightens Goku,
and he needs to bring him back.

"Goku?"

"Yeah, it's me, your little monkey. Are you with me, Sanzo?"

"No. I'm... not."

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly, knotting his brows together and twitching the
corner of his lips in concentration. Goku lets the handslip from Sanzo's face up
to brush through his hair in a gentle caress. Sanzo takes a shuddering
breath.

"I couldn't... find it. My soul. Am I... am I dead, Goku?"

Goku's heart twists painfully, for what seems like the millionth time since
that fortuneteller came into their lives and left them with this curse.

Goku pulls Sanzo into his arms, strangling a sob in his throat as he presses
his face against his chest.

"Goku, My silly, silly monkey, don't cry for me. I don't want your tears. You
shouldn't... you shouldn't cry for the dead. A dead man has no need of tears."

"Sanzo, you're not dead. Don't say it anymore. You're not."

Sanzo gently silences Goku by placing his fingers over the monkey's lips. He
takes Goku's chin in his hand and tilts back his head.

"Shh... don't be sad for me."

A soft kiss descends upon Goku's trembling lips, and for a moment tears are
forgotten as Goku just melts into it. But it comes to an unexpectedly sudden end
when Sanzo goes tense, breaking the kiss as he pushes Goku away from him,
backing himself against the wall. Various emotions play over his face, from
shame and confusion, and perhaps even a touch of fear, to anger, before
finally settling into a cold, hard mask of stone.

"Goku. I don't... need your tears. I thought I told you... I don't need
you. Konzen's monkey."

A flash of pain ignites Sanzo's eyes, and the mask cracks a little. Then, it
shatters, breaking apart completely as his face falls in agonized despair. He
turns away, shoulders shaking, leaning over the sink with his hair hanging downi
nto his eyes. Goku feels real tears threatening to fall, but forces them back.
He must be strong for Sanzo's sake, as well as his own. He must not let himself
get upset enough to fall into another mental lapse, or he won't be able to do
anything for Sanzo at all.

"Sanzo, you gotta get dressed or you'll get cold."

Tentatively, not knowing if his help will be accepted, he picks up a towel
and drapes it over Sanzo's bare shoulders. Then he turns and goes to fetch
Sanzo's clothing from where it still lies discarded on the floor beside the
bed.

The offered clothing is accepted without protest, Goku handing him each item
piece by piece as Sanzo obediently puts them on, eyeing Goku warily as he does
so. Goku doesn't like that suspicious look in Sanzo's eyes, but he does his best
to ignore it. Once Sanzo is fully dressed, Goku decides his next mission is to
get him out of the bathroom before he ends up getting lost in the mirror
again.

"Sanzo, you hungry? I am. I'm really starving. Come on, let's go get
Gojyo and Hakkai and make them feed us."

He holds out his hand to Sanzo, and is sorely disappointed, but not
surprised, when Sanzo just stares at his hand as if it was a mortal enemy or a
rabid slug. He lets his hand drop.

"Come on, Sanzo. The sooner we eat, the sooner we can get back on the road.
West, remember?"

This, at least, gets a reaction from Sanzo.

"West. Yes, we have to go. Before it's too late."

But he makes no move to leave, just standing in place with an almost pleading
look haunting his eyes.

"Sanzo, what's wrong?"

"Goku? Will you... will you help me?"

Goku's heart melts. He nods his head in a definitive confirmation.

"I'll never leave you, Sanzo. Not ever."

Sanzo visibly relaxes. His lips twitch briefly in a tiny, tiny ghost of a
smile. He holds out his hand, and Goku grasps it without hesitation.

"Do you promise, Goku? No matter how bad things get?"

Goku smiles.

"I promise. I'll never, ever leave you. No matter what."

"Not even if... if I tell you to go? Not even if I try to drive you
away?"

Goku gives Sanzo's hand a light squeeze.

"Of course not. I'm still here now, aren't I?"

Sanzo blinks, wide-eyed, before dropping his gaze to the floor. Hesitantly,
almost timidly, he raises his eyes to Goku again.

"Not even if... not even if I... hurt you again?"

Right now, what Goku wants so badly to do is to reach out to Sanzo, to hold
him and give him all the reassurance he seems to so desperately need, but he
can't, because he doesn't know how well Sanzo will take it, if it would be
accepted or if Sanzo would just end uppushing him away, or worse, going into
hysterics again. So instead, he just gives his hand another squeeze, and offers
his word with all the sincerity of his aching heart.

"I promise. No matter how dark it gets, we'll still have each other, always,
and I'll never leave you.I'll always be your little monkey, and I'll always be
at your side. I promise."

Sanzo sighs, long and deep, and closes his eyes, looking more at peace than
he has in a long time. When again he looks at Goku, it is almost as if he has
reached deep inside himself and managed to salvage some remnant of sanity, a
fragment of his old self. There is a hard glint of determination in his eyes,
but it has something of a wavering quality to it, a certain fragility that makes
it appear as breakable as it is frighteningly desperate.

Sanzo is desperately trying to hold himself together, even as his mind is
falling apart, and Goku can see that clearly now, vowing to himself that he will
always be at Sanzo's side to pick up the pieces and glue him back together
again. No matter what.

Sanzo pulls his hand away fromGoku. He takes another moment to pull himself
together, and when he speaks, his voice is quiet and a little bit shaky, but
full of new resolve. Even if that resolve seems somewhat weak and unsubstantial,
at least it is there,and Goku is glad to hear it.

"Then let's go, little monkey. Go to the west."

Back to index

Chapter 22: Burning

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 22

Burning

Hakkai and Gojyo can't help but gape a little when Sanzo and Goku emerge from
the room. Sanzo just looks so... normal, determined and hard-set, with his
head held up high. And Goku is, for the first time in quite a while, actually
giving Sanzo some space. What's more, the little monkey's eyes are
shining brightly with pride and hope.

"Hakkai, Gojyo! Quick, we need food energy! We're starving to
death!"

After a rushed meal, throughout which Sanzo eats little and stresses the need
to hurry, Hakkai offers Sanzo a glass of water and a tablet.

"Sanzo, please swallow this, and then we can get going."

Sanzo eyes the tablet expressionlessly, and then flicks his eyes up to Hakkai
with a cold and suspicious glare.

"Request rejected."

This is undeniably and obviously a flat refusal on Sanzo's part, but Hakkai
persists.

"Now, Sanzo, this is just a sedative. It'll only take a second to swallow,
and it'll help you to relax."

Sanzo is twitching with irritation and frustration, struggling to keep
himself in control.

"No. I won't have you treating me like a sick child."

"Sanzo, we'd rather you didn't have another outburst."

Sanzo has his eyes closed now as a wave of disgust and anger rises up and
washes over the self-control he has managed to collect, threatening to wash it
away.

"Sanzo?"

"I said no! I won't take any fucking pills!"

Sanzo lashes out, knocking the glass from Hakkai's hand, and it shatters on
the floor. Sanzo turns away, shaking and covering his face with his hand,
struggling to gather himself together so as not to follow the glass's example.
When he feels Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, he shrugs it off and stands
abruptly.

"I've had enough of this. Let's go. There's no time to waste here."

He stalks outside, Goku not far behind, and Hakkai and Gojyo are left staring
wordlessly after them.

"Gojyo, go keep a watch on them, I'll finish up here."

Gojyo stirs himself and follows the path of the other two. Hakkai watches his
departure, and then looks down at the broken glass sadly for a moment, before
turning his attention to the doctor, using the gold card to pay for his services
as well as a few bottles of the tablets.

XXX

Outside, Hakkai finds Sanzo and the others; the two smokers leaning against
the wall while engaged in their perpetual habit, with Goku crouched down on the
ground not far from where Sanzo is standing. All are quiet, which is a relief.
Together, they set a fast pace on the walk out of town, and once clear of the
populated streets, Hakuryu quickly transforms and they are ready to go.

As is the routine of late, Gojyo jumps automatically into the front seat, not
thinking anything of it. Sanzo stops dead in his tracks, eyebrow twitching and
his fists clenched. It feels as if Hakkai and Gojyo are trying to make
him go even crazier than he already is. Sanzo decides that there is no way in
hell that he is just going to let them get away with this kind of intolerable
treatment and relent submissively as they seem to expect. He takes a deep breath
and approaches the jeep, eyes locked on the offender. He wants to hit Gojyo, to
put him in his place, but that won't go over very well in the present
circumstances. Sanzo knows that his own behaviour is still on surveillance due
to his previous actions.

Perhaps it's about time he works on changing that.

"Gojyo, get in the back. Now."

Gojyo looks up, startled. There is so much anger in Sanzo's eyes, anger that
flickers and churns throughout a chaotic mess of confusion, anger that swims
frantically in a sea of mad desperation and swirling emotions. Besides Sanzo's
words, Gojyo is sure he can see another message written in the turbulence within
Sanzo's eyes, and he reads it thus:

I don't know who the hell I am anymore or what my place is, so just get
your ass out of my seat so I can at least pretend that I do.

And Gojyo is relieved. He is relieved to see that Sanzo is trying to
come back to himself and regain some control in his life, and so Gojyo is more
than happy to oblige and jump into the back with Goku, exchanging a brief, happy
look with Hakkai as he does so.

Satisfied, Sanzo lights up a fresh cigarette and leans back in the seat as
the jeep begins to move, trying to relax his nerves. It isn't long, though,
before Gojyo has him twitching again.

"Hey, Sanzo. Pass the lighter back."

Gojyo has his hand extended, palm up, expecting Sanzo to comply. Sanzo eyes
the hand for a moment, considering, and then makes up his mind.

"Hell, no. It's mine, so keep your grubby hands to yourself."

Sanzo clutches the lighter in question tightly as he waits for Gojyo's
response.

"Ah, Sanzo. You can use it when you need to, but you can't keep it.
Hand it over."

"I refuse. What do you think I'm going to do, burn myself, light myself on
fire? I already have a fucking fire in my head, so why would I want to do that?
I'm keeping the damn lighter."

Hakkai softly intervenes.

"Gojyo, let him keep it for today, if he wants."

Gojyo withdraws his hand somewhat uneasily, but when Hakkai catches his eye
through the rear view mirror, Hakkai is obviously pleased. This makes
Gojyo reconsider the situation, and in a moment, he smiles. Yes, Hakkai is
right. Perhaps the old Sanzo is beginning to return to them, and they should
give him a chance to prove it.

XXX

"Hey, Goku. For the hundredth time, stop squishing me and get over to your
side of the seat, dumb monkey."

Goku is starting to seriously get on Gojyo's nerves.

"But.. then trade seats with me, Gojyo!"

"Why should I, huh? What's so great about this seat?"

"Umm..."

Gojyo watches as Goku glances at Sanzo, his golden eyes lingering on him with
a kind of urgent need. Ah, so Goku wants to get closer to Sanzo, and Gojyo's
seat is right behind Sanzo's. Gojyo smirks. The temptation to tease Goku is
strong, especially considering how close the monk and his monkey have become
lately. Damn, the two are even sleeping together now, as in
intimately, and if that's not a reason to tease the hell out of Goku,
then nothing is!

"Oh, so that's it. You want to sit here so you can snuggle up
to Sanzo's seat. You two are such little lovebirds these days; I guess
you just can't stand to be parted from one another this long, eh? That's so
sweet."

Goku cringes a little, caught red-handed in his intentions. It's true that
his need to be close to Sanzo is so strong, that it has become an undeniable
weakness, especially since he tends to suffer serious side effects when that
contact is withheld from him. From the front seat, Sanzo growls and punches a
fist against the dash, earning a sharp "Kyuu!" of complaint from the
dragon. He stands, whirling to face the back. Alarmed, Hakkai slowly brings the
jeep to a halt, not wanting Sanzo to fall out of the moving vehicle. Sanzo is
yelling, hands clutching the back of the seat in a white-knuckled grip.

"Shut up! Just shut up, all of you! I don't need that monkey, do you
hear me? I didn't ask for any of this, and I don't need your stupid pills
or doctors or... rules of conduct. I'm supposed to be in control, I'm
supposed to be leading this mission, not... not being led around on a
leash by a bunch of idiot demons. I may have lost my fucking mind
somewhere along the way, and my soul is either lost or fucked up so bad that I
can't even find it anymore, and I may be as good as dead, but I am
not weak, and I am not giving up! I'm... I don't know who I
am, but I will be strong, and you bunch of idiots will not take
that away from me, do you hear?"

Sanzo glares at each of his companions in turn, scalding them with the raging
fire that burns behind his eyes. In his struggle to keep himself in check and
not go totally haywire, he is shaking uncontrollably and breathing hard, his
fingers digging into the seat. Feeling a little faint, he sinks down onto his
knees in the chair.

"Hakkai, do you hear me? I don't need you treating me like some kind of an
invalid. I just need you to drive the goddamned jeep. Do you think you can you
manage that?"

"Yes, Sanzo, but..."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it. And Gojyo. I don't need
you treating me like some juvenile delinquent. You're not my fucking
parole officer, so mind your own damn business. I know I was messed up before,
what I did, but... just go shove your own lighter up your ass and leave me out of
your control shit. And before you say anything else, just shut up!"

Everyone is silent as Sanzo takes a moment to breath, and then raises his
eyes to Goku.

"Goku. You. You I especially do not need. I do not need you
drowning me in your pathetic tears, or suffocating me with your
constant attention. Do you hear me? I don't need you. Hmph. Devoted
little monkey my ass. Guess you'll just have to wait for your little god to come
crawling back and get what you need from him."

"But... Sanzo, you're the one who... I need you!"

"Shut up! Stop your whining, clingy little monkey. I don't want to hear it.
If you want to help me, then just be there at the end. Help me win this
thing."

"I already promised I would."

"Promise? Since when did any of us ever promise each other
anything?"

"But..."

"Shut up. My head's going to explode if you don't just shut up. Brains
all over the jeep, blood and brains and... shit, shit, shit it
burns."

Sanzo slips out of the jeep, hands over his ears, and starts wandering off as he mutters to himself.

"Burns, burns, burns, my mind on fire..."

Goku leans forward, gritting his teeth and resisting the urge to run to
Sanzo's side. Gojyo whispers to Hakkai.

"Umm, Hakkai... any bright ideas?"

He and Goku watch as Hakkai grinds up one of the tablets and dissolves it in
a cup of water. During this time, Sanzo has been getting progressively more
agitated, eventually falling to his knees and clutching his head in apparent
pain. Holding out the cup, Hakkai calls to him.

"Sanzo! Sanzo! Have some water. If you drink some it might put
out the fire!"

Sanzo looks up, shaking his head doubtfully.

"No, no, it's too bright."

"Gojyo, bring it to him."

"Hey, why do I have to go?"

"Because he's sick of Goku and I tending to him. Don't worry, he doesn't have
his gun on him, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Gojyo grabs the cup and approaches Sanzo, kneeling down next to him.

"Sanzo, your water."

Sanzo looks at Gojyo intently, seemingly fixated on studying his hair and
eyes. Slowly he reaches out with one hand and catches Gojyo's hair with his
fingers.

"Fire is red. It burns."

"Yeah, no kidding. Drink this, it'll put the fire out."

"Why should I believe you? You're a water sprite, and yet you still
burn."

"Ah, but that's what makes me so special. My secret recipe, fire and water.
Don't go spilling my secret to the world now, Sanzo. It's just between me and
you."

Gojyo winks, and Sanzo grabs the cup roughly with his free hand, the one not
currently caught in Gojyo's hair. Gojyo is forced to reach out and steady the
cup in Sanzo's shaking hand.

"Careful, don't spill this either."

Quickly, desperately, Sanzo guzzles down the water, and then throws down the
cup with a curse.

"Shit! It didn't work, you lying bastard! I knew I shouldn't trust you."

"It will work. Just give it a chance, Sanzo. And could you stop
pulling my hair?"

Sanzo releases his hold on Gojyo's hair and sinks down, sprawling out
bonelessly on the ground next to Gojyo. As time passes, he gradually begins to
feel calmer.

Watching intently, Goku yells out to them, wanting Sanzo back in the jeep and
suddenly feeling a little jealous of Gojyo and Sanzo's interaction, however
brief and insignificant it may be. Sanzo is his, and his alone.

"Sanzo! West! We have to go west, remember? Hurry! There's no
time!"

Sanzo murmurs an agreement, something about noisy monkeys always calling him,
and starts to push himself to his feet. Gojyo grabs his arm and hauls him the
rest of the way up. Annoyed, Sanzo brushes him off.

"Don't touch me. I don't like it. But..."

He studies Gojyo again curiously out of the corner of his eye.

"But what, Sanzo?"

"I like your water. Nice water."

Gojyo laughs.

"Hey, thanks, man. Anytime you need to chill out, just let me know, and the
water's all yours."

"That's... cool."

Gojyo grins again at Sanzo's response. Drugging Sanzo is kind of fun.
Maybe they should have started feeding Sanzo sedatives a long time ago, they
could have saved a lot of poor, innocent restaurant walls from bullet wounds
along the way.

XXX

At the end of the day, they stop to camp out for the night. Hakkai and Gojyo
talk quietly as they gather firewood, observing Sanzo and Goku from a distance.
Sanzo is sitting on a log, just quietly smoking as he stares into the fire, and
Goku is seated on the ground across the fire from him, watching him intently.
Gojyo chuckles.

"In a way it's almost like Goku is stalking Sanzo. The monkey's
obsessed. How healthy is that?"

"Hmm... I just hope he doesn't blank out on us again. It seems to happen when
he gets upset over Sanzo."

"I'm not surprised Sanzo's starting to get sick of the attention. Goku can be
very annoying at times, and he was practically hanging onto Sanzo 24/7. Hey, do
you think..."

"What?"

"Sanzo was really out of it last night after the attack, like completely
traumatized. Do you suppose Goku might have taken advantage of the situation as
an opportunity to get even closer to Sanzo? They were both buck naked the next
morning, and seriously, I just can't see Sanzo willingly letting
the monkey into his pants."

"I don't think Goku would ever do anything against Sanzo, Gojyo. They've been
physically closer ever since we found them on the road that day. Keep in mind,
also, that Sanzo isn't exactly himself right now. He does all kinds of things he
wouldn't normally do."

"True. But still... the whole thing's just weird and it makes me wonder,
y'know? Sanzo's nuts, but Goku doesn't have that excuse, and he's
acting creepy, if you ask me."

"He cares about Sanzo and he's worried. He wants to look after him and keep
him safe. Is that really so creepy?"

"Okay, I'll admit you've got a point. Maybe I'm just a little creeped
out about the whole Sanzo and Goku thing, y'know?"

Hakkai laughs.

"Gojyo, I hardly think this topic is at the top of our list of things to
worry about. On a more serious note, I'm concerned about the next attack. It
could come at any time, and Sanzo is at a serious disadvantage unarmed."

"I wouldn't feel very safe about giving him back his gun right now. I've had
some close calls with that thing even when Sanzo was sane, for crying out
loud."

"I agree. He's still far too unstable to be trusted with a
firearm. But... you know he hasn't once asked for it back, either. I take that as
a sign that part of him knows he isn't ready, and he doesn't want to end up
hurting us. I actually feel optimistic about the lighter, though. I think he
needs to have a little bit of control back in his life. There was that incident
today with him scratching himself, but... his attitude... that almost evil
attitude is gone now. He killed those people in the temple, but ever
since he shot himself, I think he's been improving."

"Yeah. Hey, maybe we should try talking to him, or something. Psychotherapy,
you know? Preferably without Goku getting in the way and hanging onto every
word."

"I doubt Sanzo would be very cooperative, but it doesn't hurt to try."

"Ha, now that's a scary thought, us playing shrink."

"Yes, the idea is rather bizarre, isn't it?"

"But it's funny, too, like a sick joke, or something. Hey, maybe we
can get Sanzo to laugh his way back to good mental health."

"Sanzo doesn't laugh. He'll probably just glare us to death."

"Damn monk, he just had to go getting all insane on us, as if he
wasn't already crazy enough before."

XXX

When Hakkai and Gojyo return to the campfire, Goku and Sanzo are still
sitting quietly. Hakkai addresses Goku cheerfully.

"Goku, we couldn't find much firewood over that way, would you go look around
somewhere else for us?

"But... why do I hafta do it? I wanna stay here, with..."

"Goku, please don't be stubborn. It's a simple task, and a simple request. We
can't cook without a good fire, and we don't have very much wood yet. The
fire won't last."

Goku makes no move to get up, and finally, it is Sanzo who kicks him into
gear.

"Goku, Goku. I thought monkeys like playing in the trees. So stop being such
a baby and just do it. You're embarrassing yourself. Find something else
to do besides stare at me all night, silly monkey. It's annoying the hell out of
me."

Goku gets up and sulks off into the bush, and when he is a reasonable
distance away, Sanzo speaks again.

"So, what are you two sneaky little foxes up to? I'm all ears, so out with
it."

Gojyo chuckles.

"Oh, suspicious, aren't you? I was just wondering how you were doing with
that lighter?"

"Fuck off."

"I'll take that as a, 'Fine, thank you so much for asking, Gojyo.'"

Sanzo snorts and lies down, stretching himself out along the length of the
log.

"Whatever. Leave me alone if you don't have anything to say."

"Actually, Sanzo."

"Spit it out, Hakkai. Like I said, I'm listening."

"Actually, we were wondering about your mental state. You seem to be
improving. What do you think about that?"

"I can't think at all, not with this hellfire burning in my head.Soon,
there won't be anything left. Does that sound like improvement to
you?"

"You don't feel that you're getting better at all? Excuse me for being blunt,
but you haven't tried to hurt anyone. Isn't that a good thing?"

A deep humming sound starts in Sanzo's throat, a frown forming on his face as
he closes his eyes tightly.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo is starting to look decidedly uncomfortable, turning his head from one
side to the other and clawing lightly at the bark of the tree trunk, the humming
gradually increasing in volume, until, abruptly, the sound stops. Sanzo
continues to dig at the bark, growing more insistent, as though he is able to
draw some kind of comfort from the repetitive action.

"Sanzo, please be still, you'll only end up hurting your hands. I'm sorry if
we've upset you. Sanzo?"

Slowly, Sanzo opens his eyes. They are dark and hollow as he turns them on
his two friends.

"What does... what does darkness feel like? Does it hurt? Maybe
it won't be so bad, in the end. Just have to get there, before it's too late.
West, west, west, into the dark."

Silence floods the night again, tense and charged with an ominous feel. Gojyo
breaks it suddenly, using an exaggerated tone of voice, as if he were telling a
horror story to a group of kids.

"Beware, for we travel into darkness, into danger, into the west. Genjo
Sanzo, Cho Hakkai, Sha Gojyo and Son Goku. Will we survive?
Only time will tell."

Sanzo starts to laugh, then, and by the sound of it, it is born more of
actual amusement than insanity. Watching him, Gojyo and Hakkai can't help but
smile, as well. When the laughter dies down, the silence that is left is a more
comfortable one, filled with quiet companionship and trust. Gojyo lights a
cigarette, and soon after Sanzo does as well. No one notices the pair of golden
eyes glinting in the dark, as Goku watches them intently with suspicion and
jealous anger.

"So, when do I get my gun back? Or are you bastards having too much fun
watching my helpless ass rot uselessly? Huh. I hope Konzen didn't do
anything too embarrassing with my body. That creep. He's only good for
one thing. And that does not include stealing my monkey."

Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look. So Sanzo does want his weapon back,
after all. Gojyo clears his throat.

"So, Sanzo. You're not thinking of... shooting us, are you? Or
suicide, or anything? You do want to make it to India first,
right? You're not thinking of extinguishing that fire in your head with the help
of a little bullet?"

Sanzo chuckles, amused again. He points a finger at the side of his head in
an imitation of a gun.

"Bang."

Gojyo smiles grimly.

"Ah, I hate to break it to you Sanzo, but joking around like that isn't
likely to get you your gun back any sooner. You were joking, right? You
don't actually wanna..."

"Fuck, no. I'm already dead. Anyway, I have a job to do first."

Hakkai tosses another stick into the fire.

"We will consider your request Sanzo. But you do understand our
concerns."

"Mmm. Just don't keep me in suspense too long. I feel like a worthless piece
of shit right now. It would help if I could at least blow the brains out of the
next demon assassin we meet. Anger management therapy, or something. Maybe... I
could think again."

Sanzo hisses as if in pain, and smacks his head down hard against the trunk
beneath him.

"Hey, Sanzo."

"Spit it out, Gojyo."

"Do you want some more of my special water? To put the fire out?"

"No. Leave me alone."

"Are you sure? Doesn't the fire hurt? My water will cool you down. Want
some?"

"No. Yes. Maybe."

"Is that a yes?"

"Mmm. Whatever."

"Great. I'll go get it. Back in a jiff."

Gojyo stands, whistling a tune as he starts to step away from the fireside.

Suddenly, an urgent shout from Goku shatters the evening's hard-earned good cheer .

"Sanzo! We're under attack!"

Back to index

Chapter 23: Monkey Play

My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 23

Monkey Play

Once, a shining sun found a creature crying in the dark. The sun plucked the
creature from the darkness and bathed it in light, and it was so very bright,
yet somehow also devoid of warmth. The creature soaked it in regardless of the
temperature, and even now, to this day, he still does not care about the cold.
Under the intense rays of the sun, within the unwelcoming embrace of its frigid
radiance, the creature thrives, and devotion blooms.

But one day, the light changes.

Now, it no longer shines clearly and predictably, but is instead filtered
through a screen of darkness, and it burns. Oh, how it burns. Yet
the creature is not aware of it. In his molten eyes, the sun is as brilliant as
ever it was, and he remains faithfully devoted, as ever he was.

Forced to struggle on through black shadows, the creature is deeply injured,
burnt clear through to the soul. Now, the only thing holding him together is a
damaged and tormented sun, a sun that has eagerly taken from him and hurt him
and yet never once thanked him for his love, even though it knows it was wrong. A sun that turns its shining face away from him and tells him it does not
need him, does not want him. Yet the creature's devotion remains strong,
his longing for the light still intact, and it becomes a raging inferno in his
heart. It rages, and as it does so, it changes.

Devotion becomes obsession.

XXX

"Sanzo! We're under attack!"

Goku's cry of warning cuts through the air, and instantly, Gojyo and Hakkai
are on alert. As quickly as Hakkai is on his feet, Gojyo's weapon is in his
hand, and in a split-second's notice they are ready to fight, ready to kill and
ready to defend, whatever they may be up against.

Sanzo's reaction to the sudden threat is more delayed, less interested. His
perception of reality, distorted by insanity as it has become, does not register any
danger. He simply sits up casually, distracted by the carcinogenic smoke
drifting away from the cigarette held between his fingers, watching it curl up
into the night sky to mingle with the more aromatic smoke of the wood fire.
Vaguely, he wonders why there isn't also a plume of smoke spewing from his ears,
and this thought troubles him. Frowning, he tilts his head to one side and slaps
the opposite ear with his palm, hoping to unblock the smoke and perhaps clear
his head a little.

The sudden, serious quiet that has descended upon them since Goku's shout
remains unbroken, except for the crackling of the campfire. Sanzo swings his leg
over the log to sit facing in the direction that Goku's voice had come from. As
the soles of his bare feet press lightly against the cool grass, something
catches his attention, and he stares out into the night, heedless of the smoke
stinging his eyes. His gaze comes to rest on a set of inhuman eyes that shine
eerily in the dark, like those of some wild animal hesitant about approaching
the fire.

Goku is watching him from the shadows.

Catching his breath, both fascinated and all at once hyper-aware, Sanzo
tosses his cigarette carelessly into the fire and licks his lips. Goku is up to
something, a game of some sort, and Sanzo is intrigued. He leans forward
intently, wordlessly whispering Goku's name in a silent plea, although what he
is asking for he does not know. Suddenly, the glowing eyes blink out, vanishing
into the dark. Disappointed and a little anxious, an interesting thought sparks
to life in Sanzo's mind as he digs his fingers into the bark.

His monkey wants to play.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo are on edge and listening intently, all senses tuned to pick
up the slightest disturbance. After a moment, Gojyo's voice emits, by the sound
of it rather impatient and annoyed.

"Goku? Where are they?"

Hakkai slowly swivels his head, carefully scanning the perimeter of the small
clearing, and, as he does so, Goku's voice calls out again, high pitched and
slicing through the shadows.

"Over here! I didn't even see them coming at all! They... they say they just
want to talk to Sanzo. I... Hakkai... you can't let them..."

Something crashes in the bushes, followed by a loud crack.

Ow! Shit! Hakkai, Gojyo!"

"Goku!"

There is a simultaneous shout from both Hakkai and Gojyo before each
concentrate on the position of Goku's voice, homing in on the location. What
could possibly have surprised Goku so totally? What in all hell
are they up against? Gojyo catches Hakkai's eye and gestures in Sanzo's
direction. Following this brief and wordless exchange, Hakkai nods almost
imperceptivity, and Gojyo's responds with a slight tensing of the muscles around
his eyes and mouth. For better or for worse, the decision has been made.

"Hey, blondie. Here's your chance. Make us proud."

With these words, Gojyo tosses Sanzo his gun.

XXX

Faced as they are now with an uncertain and potentially very dangerous
adversary, Sanzo needs all the protection he can get. Even if giving him his gun
puts Hakkai and Gojyo at risk of becoming targets themselves, then that is
simply a necessary gamble. They will not endanger Sanzo just to save themselves
from additional danger, and if he turns against them now, then so be it. They'll
just have to watch their backs. However, judgment tells them that they are most
likely beyond the point of having to worry about Sanzo turning the gun on them,
or on himself.

Most likely.

As for Sanzo, he doesn't pause to consider why the gun is being returned to
him now. As soon as the familiar object lands in his possession, he wraps his
hands longingly and possessively around its metallic shape, thrilled by the
contact so long forbidden to him. This weapon has over time become almost like a part of him, and being able to hold it now serves to fill one of
the many empty spaces inside his heart. This reunion with a lifeless piece of
steel is a moment of comfort and triumph.

As a result, Sanzo is not paying any attention to Hakkai at all, so entranced
is he by the weapon beneath his fingers. For the moment, he has even forgotten
that Goku has invited him to play his mysterious game. So he does not notice
Hakkai remove his headband. Beneath the strip of cloth, the green-eyed man still
sports the fake chakra, meticulously kept in place just in case it is needed. It
is only when Hakkai's voice rings out clearly into the night, filtering through
the trees and into the impenetrable darkness beyond, that Sanzo freezes at the
words that strike him like instant frostbite.

"I am Genjo Sanzo. Show yourselves. I do not conduct business with
shadows."

Sanzo's almost feverish mood of excitement snaps immediately in the sub-zero
temperature of the cold front that suddenly hits him smack in the face.

XXX

Hakkai says he is Genjo Sanzo?

Sanzo blinks in disbelief, the icy wave passing over and leaving numb shock
in its wake.

Hakkai is Sanzo?

Disbelief quickly crosses over into confusion, and a virtual explosion of
fireworks comes to sudden, vicious life in his head, causing him to wince from
illusory, non-existent pain.

How can Hakkai be Sanzo? Hakkai cannot be Sanzo, because Genjo Sanzo does
not exist.

Confusion darkens and spreads, rapidly becoming suspicion and doubt.

Why is Hakkai saying this? Why?

Finally, suspicion hovers precariously on the brink of anger.

How dare Hakkai say that? How dare he.

The distinctive click is very loud as Sanzo cocks the gun. The sound
pleases him like nothing else, and it instills a dose of confidence to his
trembling hands. Forced to flinch every time the fire assaults his senses in an
internal attack of mental chaos, he clutches the gun tightly as an anchor to
reality, and anchor that has been pitched overboard in blind desperation, and
which has landed in the heart as a result, instead of in the ground. It is
dragging him under, even as he struggles to make it keep him afloat. Shaking, he
braces his feet up against the log, struggling to aim and focus on his target,
which just so happens to be the back of Hakkai's head.

Sanzo's thoughts are racing and exploding, turning in on themselves in a mess
of distorted agitation.

'Hakkai is not Sanzo, he cannot be Sanzo. Hakkai is trying to confuse me. Sanzo is dead. Bad sanzo, he must be
punished. Yes, punished.'

'Take away his mind.'

'Yes!'

Take away his gun, his scripture, take away his name.

'Yes!'

'His soul?'

'Oh, Yes, that too. Especially that.'

'Take away his monkey?'

'NO!'

'No, not him, not Goku, not my monkey. No one can take him away.'

'But you can't keep him.'

'Then I will send him away myself.'

'But... Hakkai is not Sanzo, and he cannot have any of those things. Hakkai
is not Sanzo. Hakkai cannot be Genjo Sanzo.'

'Make it stop. Make Hakkai stop.'

Hakkai and Gojyo glance at Sanzo when they hear the gun being readied, and
Gojyo mutters a curse. Sanzo responds with a short, sharp laugh. He can barely
breath and he can barley think, but he can hold a gun, and he remembers how to
use it. Oh, yes, he remembers. And his Goku is out there, out there among
the trees in the dark, hiding, playing, and he swears he can hear the
monkey, silently laughing along with him in his head. Is this fun? Is
this a game? Confused, Sanzo asks it aloud,