Index
Chapter 1: Letters
Chapter 2: Link
Chapter 3: Touch
Letterslinktouch
Letters
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
1st October
Dearest Gojyo and Hakkai.
Hello I thought to write a letter informing you of father’s health. He is doing well. He was well two days after you left although his leg is taking longer to heal. In part due to the restless nature of my father, who cannot sit still or take rest. So he still hobbles a bit and due to his age I am afraid he may do so for quite some time. Mother and I are fine.
I have decided to stay on at home a while, at least till I am certain that my folks will be alright without me. I have written to Mrs Lee informing her of my decision, and I hope she is alright with that. I have written to her that she should hire someone else to help her with the pottery store and not wait for my return as it will not be fair for her to do so. I am awaiting her reply on that.
I cannot believe that it has already been two weeks since we parted company. I miss you both a lot. I miss our weekend dinner sojourns and our chats. And you never got round to taking me out for drinks for my birthday. You said you were going to take me to that place where Gojyo clears out the lads of their wages. I would have so loved to see you in action. Oh and in case I forget later in the letter, whilst on the subject; Happy belated birthday greetings dear Hakkai. How did you celebrate it, and did Sanzo and Goku celebrate with you too? I am betting that a lot of alcohol may have been imbibed.
Soon it will be time for Chong Yang and the whole village is in good spirits and will be readying for the winter soon. Hopefully this year will not be as cold as last year. I am sorry not to have more to write about. But we are a small community here and not much happens.
My parents send their regards as do I.
Much Love
Mei
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
11th October
Hello Mei
Hakkai with the ink here. Gojyo sends his love too, He is just too lazy to write, and he was not joking the last time he mentioned chicken scratchings. He may attempt some form of communication perhaps later on but just not now I think.
Thank you for the birthday wishes. Yes your guess was correct about my birthday celebrations being more than slightly alcohol tinged. Although they did try again to get me drunk. They try it every year, but it is me that has to deal with the aftermath of it the next day. Maybe next year I will make myself scarce on that day and they can celebrate it without me. Yes it will be interesting to see how Gojyo copes on his own…but then again perhaps not. I think I will return and find the mess still waiting for me. Such is the way with my dearest friend.
Well it seems that I too have not much to say in the way of news, and since they don’t have the harvest to think about here, Chong Yang is not celebrated.
Well on that note I will try and get this in the post soon.
Sincerely
Hakkai
Hello there Mei
Gojyo here. we miss having you round for dinner.
Goku says to say “hi”
love
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
4th November
Hello again
I am writing this now in the hope that it will get to you by the ninth as I know that it will be Gojyo’s birthday then. So Happy birthday Gojyo. More revelry will ensue I suppose. It is getting chillier now. It is too early to tell if it will snow or not this year.
Thank you for the short letter and I appreciate the few lines contributed by Gojyo. That he tried. Made me smile, and yes it did take awhile to decipher his characters. Maybe Hakkai you could teach him to write legibly.
I received a reply from Mrs Lee at last the other day. She said that they had no intention of getting anyone else to replace me, although they have a girl come in on weekends to help out at the store front. The kind souls that the Lees are, they have told me that I can come back anytime I wish, and they will always have a place for me. This is nice to know.
I’m afraid that is all for now.
Much Love
Mei
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
28th November
Hello Mei
Good to hear your news and I am happy that you still have a place to come back to at the Lee’s.
It would be nice to see you again. It feels strange for me to say this, but we miss you. Gojyo and I. I perhaps never said as much as I could have but I guess it is not my way. However it seems easier to write it down in a letter. Maybe this is cowardly of me. But I beg you not to think ill of me.
I have no idea what you said to him before we parted but he was pensive (unusual for Gojyo) on the ride home. Outside of the confines and comfort of home I suppose he could look at things from a different perspective. Perhaps your turning up had something to do with it; perhaps we had been so long together we had forgotten how to talk to each other. Even if we can pre-empt each other a lot of the time and that we know near enough what the other feels and thinks. There are moments of uncertainty; we have not dared to give voice to. So maybe there are still some things that we may say to each other and maybe there still is some of an air of mystery about that will give us strength to go it together for another few more years. And I will never mention this again unless you yourself wish it, but perhaps what passed between us the night before we parted company had something to do with it all too.
I had thought Gojyo might have gone to you. But that it was me surprised me more than him. And strangely we are both accepting of it. This has put us on the threshold of another level of trust and tenderness that I had thought been passed already, but my dearest friend still has hidden depths I can only guess at. With all this I am unsure as to what else to include at this juncture.
However I think I have said enough so I will end the letter here as I will probably never get it to the post on time. Gojyo and I will visit Sanzo and Goku tomorrow as it is Sanzo’s birthday and we promised that we will play mahjong with them. Although it is midweek I can predict that it may be an all nighter.
I thank you for all that you are and have done for us.
Sincerest Regards
Hakkai
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
21st January
My dearest Hakkai
I apologise for replying this late in the day. So late that now I must wish the both of you Gong Xi Fa Cai, and please extend the New Year greetings to Sanzo and Goku as well. Thankfully the winter has been mild and although we had some frost, much to the sadness of some of the village children; no snow. My parents are well but unfortunately I had come down with a bit of a cold last week, so my dear mother has been tanking me up with herbal chicken soup and spiced green tea. I am feeling better now. With not much to do at the moment, we are all waiting for spring to arrive so I have time on my hands a little to write to you.
I thank you for your rather honest letter. I was pleasantly surprised by it. I do not think it cowardice in finding the written word easier than ones spoken. As long as we do not hide behind them overmuch. I am happy you and Gojyo have taken your feelings for each other to another level. You really are good people and deserve all the happiness after whatever troubled pasts you both have had to bear. I fear I am shallow in that I never had such hardships sheltered as my upbringing has been. But maybe the New Year will bring me new experiences for me that I can finally call character building, although since re-acquainting with you two, I have grown up a bit more.
It is true what you say about our loud brash friend. He does have hidden depths. I may have only scratched the surface, not having the privilege that you have had of knowing him for over a decade. For all his colour and outward physicality; Gojyo seems like the willow- bendable, adaptable but unbreakable and willows are beautiful with long strong roots holding fast to the earth. You are the river that runs through beneath his drooping boughs as the wind whispers through him and he dances over you and it is the earth that binds him to you and you to him. This is how I see you…and you can blame this on a cold fevered brain with too much time on my hands. Perhaps I had better end this letter here and get my mother to post it before I lose my nerve.
Much love as always
Mei
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
26th March
Hello Mei
Well spring is upon us and it never rains but pours. I had for a long time hated the rain, however now it sometimes is just an inconvenience. And sometimes the rain still finds me maudlin and melancholic.
I have been busy with the children’s exams and tests coming up in the school year. It seems that the parents panic more than the children. Of course they only want their child to do well so that they may have better opportunities afforded them in the future. But still I find that some of the young ones don’t take to the pressure too well. It is these ones that trouble me. I have to try to make them want to do better and on another hand I have to try to make these parents understand that not all children have the same capacity for rote learning, and that grasping theory from first principles is more important. Ah the joys of teaching.
I have had the pressure of teaching being relieved somewhat by the sight of Gojyo fixing up around the house. Last week the guttering needed fixing…alright let me amend that. New guttering had to be installed. So Gojyo decided upon himself to save money and do it himself. You had to be there I suppose. The look on his face as the rusted and blocked guttering peeled from the wall of the house and Gojyo along with the ladder he was hanging on to. Oh I laugh even now at the memory of it. But determined as always after a weekend of it he has managed it. Unfortunately now, he feels over confident and has decided on a few projects…so I am being afraid…very afraid. When you come back there might be nothing left to visit.
This brings me to the end of the letter, and a question for you. Will you be able to visit anytime soon?
Regards
Hakkai
Hey there Mei don’t listen to the sensei. I did good. and yes he should be afraid…very afraid. the incomparable sha Gojyo has plans. come visit us soon you hear! love Gojyo
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
30th April
Hello to the two of you
I am afraid that this will be a short letter. Our house is in kind of an uproar at the moment. We will be welcoming a permanent visitor soon. A cousin of mine who has no family at the moment will be coming to stay. We are in the process of turning the guestroom into a child’s room. My parents are very excited to have another child in the house again. I think they have regrets at not having another after me. I am quite excited myself. I cannot help myself I just am so looking forward to it.
I thank you for the laughter and smiles your letter brought by the picture that you painted of Gojyo doing manly things about the house. I smiled to at his attempt at communication. I thought you were going to teach him to write more legibly…well on my advice anyway.
I received a letter too from Mrs Lee the other day. I have not heard from her since she wrote me about the new help they hired for the shop all those months ago. The Lees are both well and the shop too. I miss them too. The work I did and they were kindly people who although took me on as paid employee, looked after me beyond their duty to a worker. She still said that I can come back anytime I wish, and they will always have a place for me. They are really very sweet.
I’m afraid that is all for now. Funny what you said about rain. Spring means to me new life, new hope. Perhaps I am just a simple village girl.
Much Love
Mei
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
28th May
Hello again
By now your cousin should have arrived and I hope they will settle down nicely. Your parents are kind to give them a home. You neglected to mention whether you cousin is a girl or boy and how old they would be. Although you will be busy adjusting to a new person in your home I am sure you will have no problem in welcoming them. And no; to Gojyo and I you are no simple village girl, although you do have that rustic charm about you.
Since you will be busy with the new addition to your family. Gojyo and I have discussed this at length. And well the long and short of it is that we were thinking of driving up to see you. We were not thinking of imposing on you and your family, but a visit just for the day. As it is summer now and school is out. The parents tend to give the children a little break before starting them again with the books. So I have a bit of free time and also, fearing for my sanity I think if I can manage to drag Gojyo away from the ‘grand plans’ he has for our home; that will indeed be a good thing.
Perhaps if you told me more about your cousin we can bring something up for them too. Children always like presents. So if this sounds a good idea to you, please say when we may visit.
Love
Hakkai Gojyo
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
13th July
Hello there Mei
I hope you are able to make this out. We have not heard from you in a while, and Hakkai is worried and upset. Worried about you because you did not write back upset because you did not write back. I don’t like to see him either worried or upset. So whatever it is please write back, even if it is a short letter to say you’re really busy. I am doing this is because he doesn’t open himself up to just anyone. and certainly not since I have known him; to a woman. not much else to say except that we would still like to come and visit if we are welcome. love
Gojyo
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
28th October
Dear Hakkai and Gojyo
This is Mei’s mother here. I am afraid that Mei hasn’t been quite herself lately, hence the reason for the lack of correspondence. I know she loves receiving your letters and she is always joyful when she writes to reply to them. A lot of her time now is consumed with looking after little Siuan. A little girl. I don’t know how much of Siuan you know, but anymore I am not at liberty to say. This much I know…Our family would be much honoured if you young gentlemen will still come to visit. I am sure Mei would love to see you both as well as it would do her good. Please do write back to tell us when you can come. Hopefully it is still not too late in the summer for you, as I know that you tend to be quite busy with teaching, Cho-sensei.
With kind regards
Mei’s Mother.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Author’s Note: This continues the story of Mei. I am sorry to inflict more upon you. I couldn’t help it. There should not be more than one chapter left, two at the most. I will knock this one on the head then. In the meantime thank you for reading and bearing with me.
Double Ninth festival. The festival is based on the theory of Yin and Yang, the two opposing principles in nature. Yin is feminine, negative principle, while Yang is masculine and positive. The ancients believed that all natural phenomena could be explained by this theory. Numbers are related to this theory. Even numbers belong to Yin and odd numbers to Yang. The ninth day of the ninth lunar month is a day when the two Yang numbers meet. So it is called Chongyang. Chong means double in Chinese. Chongyang has been an important festival since ancient times. The festival is held in the golden season of autumn, at harvest -time. The bright clear weather and the joy of bringing in the harvest make for a happy, festive atmosphere.
The date of the Chinese New Year falls somewhere between late January and late February, depending on the Lunar calendar (Gong Xi Fa Cai means Happy New Year in Mandarin).
Letterslinktouch
Link
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Gojyo leant against the kitchen wall, next to the sink where he had been working. He’d come up for a breath of fresh air. Well a smoke really. He looked over his handiwork as he lit up. He smirked in approval.
They had long ago discussed getting a new place, a bigger place. But the truth was that after living in the house for so long, this was their home, and all the memories that they had made for themselves, all that they had become to one another, this house was a tangible part of their connection. A link. Not just between each other, but a part of a chain of knitted cures and healing.
But a larger living space would be nice. He could set up like a little study corner for Hakkai’s books and teaching material. In the course of the years, the teacher had amassed quite a library. It was getting so that it could get quite lethal around the place. And the shelving unit in existence now was overloaded with books, some of them precariously too. Gojyo certainly didn’t want to be brained over the head by a pile of books like before…wait a minute. Had that ever happened? No, not that he could think off. Not yet anyway. But that thought like memory was there like a feeling of déjà vu.
However at the back of his mind Gojyo worried about Hakkai. Gojyo had noticed Hakkai’s anxiety even if he said he wasn’t thinking about it. Hakkai should not have to feel like this. If he could make everyday a day filled with joy for Hakkai, he would. If he could make Hakkai laugh in anyway possible at least once everyday he would. Never mind that he did frequently do things that would invite misfortune upon his head (literally sometimes), but if it elicited a laugh from Hakkai Gojyo would do it again. But you couldn’t do something more than once around Hakkai, because he would wise up to you.
And silently Hakkai stewed.
So right now his main concern was Hakkai.
So perhaps they should plan to visit.
Then they would come home and it would all be so much water under the bridge; and it would be so easy to say, well some friends you just got to let go. With long distance friendships people tend to drift apart. No big deal it’s a part of life.
But Gojyo was stubborn and selfish and didn’t want to let go. After all if he was not that, Hakkai wouldn’t be in his life and now even Jien (after being on opposite sides for a while) was still a part of his life now, all that way away.
The only thing he had to do was of course persuade Hakkai that it made sense to make the visit. But Gojyo was not the only one with a stubborn streak in him. Hakkai could be as stubborn as rusty nails too, the man would argue with you till you were blue in the face that black was white if he so wished… and it would be you that would end up believing it too. So how could he do this with tact; alright scratch that. Tact was not Gojyo’s strong point. How to do this at all?
He supposed he could appeal to his sense of right-ness. Not righteousness mind, because neither Gojyo nor Hakkai would ever claim themselves to be that. They were too jaded, disillusioned and any faith they professed to have was in themselves and in each other. But a sense of doing what was right- they could deal with.
Ah! His birthday was coming up, if he asked Hakkai to grant him to go along with him for a visit as a birthday present, he wouldn’t say no. He might balk at the suggestion but he would go. Gojyo was not sure though, he did not normally ask for things. He didn’t feel like he deserved to ask for things. Hakkai had given him more than he could have ever hoped for in life just by deciding to stay all those years ago and being there in the here and now. The request felt a little like blackmail and that made it even worse. Gojyo’s head was beginning to hurt. He was going around in little circles. Blood and bloody ashes…he cursed inwardly, friend or no that girl had better have a bloody good explanation.
And his inner mind was beginning to resemble the mess he’d made of the kitchen. He was almost done except for clearing up. What the hey…Gojyo decided the first course of action was to tidy up the disaster area before Hakkai got back from teaching that day. At least then Hakkai would see that he had not been idle that afternoon. Hopefully he would be pleasantly surprised that he’d got off his proverbial butt to actually carry out what he had been promising to do for a while.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Hakkai walked down the row of shops. He stopped outside a children’s store. He thought for a moment as if to gather courage then he wandered in. He was not sure how or why his feet had brought him here. No matter. He was in here now. He looked around bewildered, where to start. So he walked over to the toys. Toys were toys and they tended to be universal and at least with toys you didn’t have to worry about size or colour. Then he saw it. It was a little wooden pull along toy. It was either a snail or an insect. He wasn’t sure. A little round red face with antennae and the wheels were green and a yellow string. It looked like an excellent choice although he certainly was no expert. But there was scope for learning from this toy and that was at least a little important.
Soon he was back on the street and slowly he was on his way home, his mind rushing around at a thousand clips for each synaptic connection, his anxiety a little more than his off handedness was wont to show.
Perhaps there was a reason for it all, and he wasn’t it. He looked at the paper bag in his hand. Well some child had been bought a present already and it would not be fair to keep her waiting too long for it.
Kyuu. Hakuryu had come out to meet him on the path. I hope the house is still intact. He said to the dragon as Hakuryu draped himself round Hakkai. All he got was a little snort. Hakkai smiled at his pet. He stroked the little snuffling head nuzzled by his ear, and was rewarded with a purr of content.
Hakkai decided although it was quite late in the school year, it would not take too much out of his schedule to take time out for a visit. It would only take about a week out of his teaching time. In all it should not take any more than six days or seven now. It was November after all and the weather this time of year could be unpredictable.
Hakkai looked up as the house loomed close; no smoking ruins yet. Gojyo couldn’t do that much damage, he was only going to fix the dripping tap and the leaks in the kitchen sink. And really he was actually quite good at it…he played the hopeless bumbling fool for Hakkai’s benefit really, to make him laugh. He appreciated Gojyo’s efforts and the laugher was always real. And it would not be home otherwise. Because when Hakkai laughed it always prompted laughter from the redhead too. And Gojyo’s laugh was a sound like no other and it never ceased to cause wonderment in Hakkai that there could be such a warmth filled sound.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Gojyo was sat on the doorstep, watching and waiting for Hakkai. Watching the sun set. The burnished sky, resplendent in its coat of pinks, oranges and red. The colours played with Gojyo’s hair making it seem alive on its own. Head leant back exhaling a lungful; cigarette in hand and his eyes had a thoughtful look about them, and the sun catching his eyes. To Hakkai there never was a more beautiful sight…Now that a red curve winds across the shingles- Now that hands washed in early sunrises climb and spill scarlet on a white lattice weave…
In a single languid movement Gojyo stood up and waved a welcome as he flicked ash to the ground and the butt followed crushed under his heel.
“Hey what d’ya have there?” Gojyo teased him trying to pry the package from Hakkai’s hand, fingers barely touching for all the trill of sensation that passed between them.
“It isn’t for you…but you can take a look anyway” as Hakkai handed it over for Gojyo’s perusal.
“Hey! I like this. See it even looks like me!” as he held it up next to his face. Suddenly the realization hits him “So we are going?” as he gave Hakkai an undecipherable look from underneath his lashes. So they had come to the same conclusion after all.
“Yes.” Hakkai nodded in affirmation. “We can leave first thing in the morning.”
Gojyo felt like hugging the man. So he did. As well as kissed him long and deep. And this was alright, for this was what they shared together, their life and their dance. And so it has been for what seems like forever and a day...and even that would probably never be enough.
For thru’ the bitter floods
of rain and blood
For reaching across nightmares;
The realm of fears
and wounds that tear
into the very fabric of their souls
To touch
Healing and sealing
The jagged edges
made one
into a seamless none
Making light
sun bright;
That which sears
sight
and distorts vision.
As marred perfection.
It becomes comfort
like coming home
As lifelines found
Enmeshed and lashed
Together bound
Tight
And that at least is right
And that at least feels right.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Author’s note: “Now that a red curve winds across the shingle- Now that hands washed in early sunrises climb and spill scarlet on a white lattice weave” from The Crimson Rambler by Carl Sandburg.
“Forever and a day” originates as a corruption of the now obsolete “forever and ay”. William Shakespeare
“Taming of the Shrew” Act4Sc4: “Farewell forever and a day”
And that last bit of poetry is actually mine.
Letterslinktouch
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
It was near mid morning when they
got to Mei’s house. They drove up the little road which was familiar to them by
now. And Hakkai parked Jeep outside the fence. It was a blustery breezy November
day. They went up the front steps and knocked. It was her flustered mother that
came to the door, and as soon as she saw them her face broke into a big beaming
smile.
“Hakkai, Gojyo! Oh my! What a
lovely surprise. So nice of you to come and visit. Please do sit down and tell
us how you are”
She called out to her husband as
she seated them in the living room. He came and sat with them as she brought
out some tea. Hakkai was about to apologise for turning up unannounced, but he
was waved into silence. Some looks passed between Mei’s parents, but they did
not say anything. Something began to niggle at him. Hakkai looked around and
could not see Mei anywhere or the child running around and before he could ask.
“She is out back hanging out some
washing. She will be so pleased to see you. She will tell you all about her
news. And little Siuan is sleeping”
Hakkai looked over to Gojyo who
nodded back. “You go and talk to her. I’m fine here with Uncle and Auntie.”
Indeed he looked quite comfortable there chatting away. Laughing easily at her
father’s jokes and smiling brightly towards her mother, for all anyone knew
Gojyo could be their nephew up for a visit.
Hakkai made his way purposefully
through the kitchen. From the kitchen window he could see her now. Her back
toward him. The lines were heavy with the laundry. Her hair although tied was
blowing about her face and she was humming. Silently, he was nearly to her when
he stopped. She was still humming when she stepped backwards to survey the
lines, then she turned around. The sound died on her lips as it fluttered away
on the breeze. She blanched as Hakkai reached out to catch her.
“Uh…sorry to catch you by
surprise. Your mother said we could come” The man said as he held firm but
gently.
“H…h…Hakkai” she managed at last
“how are you?”
“Better now for seeing that you
are alright.” he replied softly but evenly. Steel in his eyes. Cold.
She pulled away from him and
righted herself. Breathing deeply “It’s just the right kind of weather for
washing don’t you think?”
“Yes it is rather brisk” he
agreed flatly, “although I prefer warm summer days myself.”
“I expect you came with Gojyo?”
“Yes Gojyo is inside chatting to
your mother and father. They seem…at any rate, happy to see us.”
“Have you seen Siuan yet?”
“No.” said Hakkai surprised.
He sighed out aloud, he knew he was being hard on her, and tried to soften his
hard gaze, a little anyway. “Why did you suddenly stop writing?”
“They didn’t tell you?”
Hakkai watched her as emotions
flickered over her face. For whatever reason she avoided looking at him. After
a few tense moments she looked up into his eyes, still unreadable. “Would you
like to take a look at Siuan? She’s very beautiful.” She started back into the
house
That was unexpected. He assumed
that she was going to explain to him the sudden halt in her letters. Nothing
for it except follow her. Through the living room, where suddenly all
conversation seemed to pause; the silence hung in the air and then the moment
passed, Gojyo waved at Mei. She nodded in acknowledgement. But continued on her
way with Hakkai still in tow. They were at the door of the guestroom he had
once occupied. As she put her hand on the door handle she brought her other
hand to her lips signaling quiet. She gently pushed the door open.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Hakkai was surprised; this was
no little girl’s room. It was a baby’s room. A crib stood in a corner away from
the window, and a little shelf where there were little cloths and small
outfits. But what caught his breath was the little child sleeping in the cot.
Heart shaped face with pale, pale skin, her eyes were closed in slumber and
soft downy hair sticking up on her head and some sticking out from behind her
ears, and soft and downy though it was…you could see the colour of it. It was
red. It was Gojyo red.
Time stood still for a moment;
and a thousand and one memories came crashing down on his head, his chest
seemed to constrict and he found it hard to breathe. He. Had. To get out. OmygodKananletsgohomegoodbyeGonouthatmonstersbabyisinside
ofmebloodherbloodallthatbloodmybloodbabythatbabythhatbabyismineminemine…His
right hand touched the edge of the scar through his shirt and his left hand
rubbed at his eye underneath the glasses. He closed his eyes and stepped back. This
is not real. It cannot be. How can it be? This was the thing
that Kanan took herself away from him for. A cursed creature. Taboo. Kanan had
not faith enough in herself to live through and had not faith enough in him
(then Gonou) to accept her — sullied and broken as she was. And all those that
he killed for naught it had seemed.
And the guilt assailed him anew.
And again he felt he should die for all his sins. He thought back to when he
woke up in Gojyo’s house that first time. Wanting, no needing it to be hell…was
this some kind of new hell? Would he never be free of it? His face pinched and
his breathing ragged.
He choked out, “Mine” he said
hoarsely.
Mei mutely nodded. She had
expected the anger. But what she was seeing frightened her. Part revulsion,
part anger and mixed in with an amount of wonderment, of how this thing can be?
She didn’t understand it. She couldn’t. And it took all Hakkai’s strength of
will and mind to stay and not run away. Hakkai opened his eyes and saw that she
was afraid and did not understand. Of course she didn’t, she couldn’t. Did he
want to try? Will he have to tell her all of it? Was it even relevant to the
poor girl? Huh! Poor girl? It was she who deceived him. It was she who sought
to hide this from him. Why? Was she so afraid of him? Well she would be, ought
to be if she knew. He smiled…only because it seemed the only thing left to him.
And the years melted away as if they had never been.
Mei saw Hakkai smile.
Unconsciously she moved to the front of the crib, protective. She stood her
ground; she owed him that at least for keeping it from him. She braved herself
to look at his eyes. That smile with the knife edge eyes. But for the moment
they were unseeing. He was looking somewhere inwards and was lost in that. And
for a moment it seemed as if he was someone else.
His mind reeled and was coiling
in itself into a dark abyss. Once again he was in the bowels of a dark and
terrifying castle, where in the rooms above youkai lay dead and dying; but this
time the spectre looking out at him from behind bars was not Kanan. It was a
child crouched and crying.
“Do you hate me?” it asked of
him.
Where’s Kanan he thought
panicking. He looked again into the cell, and this time a man sat in it. Even
crouched and cowering you could see he was tall, and angular and as he looked
up slowly the long dark angry red locks shimmered in the gloom and half light, as
silent tears dripped from equally dark red eyes, two scars grooved upon the
left cheek. His soul knew this dark dream personage.
“Do you hate me?” the man asked
of him.
His breath hitched. “No,” he
whispered softly. A cry made him open his eyes again. He blinked as Hakkai came
back to himself. “No,” he said again, still soft but surer this time.
Siuan was awake; it was her cry
that brought him back.
But what was this child, who was
this child? And Hakkai looked at his hands, and for a few moments in his mind’s
eye they dripped with the red liquid of life. So beautiful.
Hakkai himself had long ago
thought of the child that had been seeded inside Kanan and wondered about it.
What and how would he have reacted? Would he have been able to accept the child
then, or would he have hated it? He had also entertained the idea that maybe he
would have become unhinged and unable to take it anymore he would have become
abusive and in a vicious cycle become killer again. He had drawn parallels with
himself and Gojyo’s mother. The guilt there; imagined though it had been felt
as real as the guilt of the murderous rampage he had brought onto innocents. The
guilt made real, and compounded and bound him to the land of the living by an
angel of red blood.
And it had gone round and round
in his head and in the end he could not come to any conclusion, because he was
not given the chance to confront that reality, because the possibility of that
reality was taken away from him, by the very woman he had called love.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
He didn’t know what yet he was
feeling about the little girl. He schooled his features and regulated his
breathing as he came back to the now. There was nothing he could do about the
look he knew was in his eyes. It had been a learned habit from way before and
had become instinct after awhile and now it was back as if it had never truly
gone. Just as his guilt and pain, it would never truly leave him.
“Let’s go for a walk and talk?”
he managed to say. Without waiting for her he went back out to the living room.
“Father, mother, Gojyo we’re
going out for a short walk…If that’s Ok?” She announced to them all. “Oh and mother,
Siuan is awaking.”
“Yes, yes and no need to worry
about this young man over here” her father said jovially “we’ll look after
him.”
Gojyo wasn’t sure, and even less
so when he saw that smile on Hakkai’s face. The smile he wore so often
in those early days when Hakkai sought him out from the temple. That smile he
wore so often on the road especially when it rained; as he pondered lifelines
and thought about wishing stars. The smile that he; Gojyo had tried so hard to
eradicate. Of course how could he have been so stupid…that smile had never
really left…and how could he have forgotten…women were trouble. Even the ones
who didn’t mean to be. And Gojyo could only wonder about that look. He had no
idea what was going on. But he put his trust in Hakkai. Hakkai would seek him
when he was good and ready and as always if he didn’t Gojyo would go looking
for him.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Hakkai followed Mei out the back
door, past the hanging linens, and out through a gate into a field. The grass
an ocean of green waves in the wind. He could just make out some hills the
horizon towards the setting sun. He followed her silent trail until she stopped
by a brook, where stood a boulder worn smooth. She sat on it. She waited, and
saw that he was not ready to sit just yet. He stood by the brook, arms folded
and back to her.
“I knew by November last year,
but I didn’t know how to tell you” and the lie escaped her before she could
stop it, “I didn’t think you’d want to know.”
He clenched his fists, but kept
his arms folded, “How could I not want to know? You cannot presume that you
would know what I want or what I don’t” Hakkai continued, quiet anger dripped
from his voice “So were you going to tell me at all…or never?”
Mei had no counter to that.
“There were a lot of things in my
life that I had not the chance to decide”. He could list it in his head.
Orphan, orphanage, lost sibling, falling in love, finding out his one true love
was his sister, having his love taken away from him, having his love honour
herself more than she loved him.
“You made this choice for me…Without
asking me?”
Kanan had been raped and had no
love for the child inside of her. But this was different. Siuan was not born
from rape and hate. She had been born into a household which loved her. Mei’s
parents had not disowned her or the child; which would have been common enough
and accepted practice even. The hair he had seen and no doubt the eyes which
had been hidden from him in slumber will mark her. He thought of the woman they
had come across with a hanyou child- all those years ago on the way west- cast
out of her village and having to beg for food. Not because she did not have any
money, but because her child was cursed, taboo, a half breed.
Hakkai thought of Gojyo, his
friend, his love truly. He saw beauty and not just in the physical sense (which
he was) but a beauty of the person that Gojyo was. For in spite of his harsh
upbringing, the name calling, the abuse, the escape from death from the only
woman Gojyo had ever loved and being left to fend for himself; Gojyo had become
a person Hakkai was proud to call friend. A person whose sense of right-ness
was true and not accepting any substitutes nor deviations from it, a man with
his own code of honour and his own brand of skewed justice, and deeper than a
lot of people gave him credit for. Hakkai drew from him, as he would water from
a well. Life giving water. Gojyo did not easily give himself out to love, but
he gave to Hakkai so readily and had never asked for anything back except to be
loved and accepted for nothing less or more than who he was. Gojyo liked to say
he was a simple man…o he was anything but.
Now he was faced with this. This
was a new reality, and in truth:- though it hurt that Mei had hidden the child
from him, it hurt that she could not tell him and it angered him the
presumption she had made as to who he was; the truth was this was a reality he
could learn to cope with. Had to.
He was a father now. He
couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud, just yet. It still felt alien to him
this idea. It occurred to him that aside from those thoughts of things that
could have been, Hakkai never thought that he would ever be one. Since being
with Gojyo; well, the possibility had never even occurred to him. Perhaps being
given the chance now was like having another lifeline thrown out to him.
Another life. Someone to care for, someone he was responsible for. Sorry
Sanzo…he laughed inwardly. Thoughts of Sanzo made him realize…Ahahaha…well at
least he still had a handle on his humour. And really the child could not have
a better mother than Mei. But he was not going to let her off so easy, even if
he seemed to come round of himself.
And Hakkai seemed to have come to
some kind of reconciliation in his thoughts. His breathing, which was shallow
and rapid before, had evened out; it seemed his shoulders were not hunched and
that he was now looking at her with an incalculable expression.
Mei who had kept silent. “Hakkai,”
she tentatively said his name. Was he aware of her at all? “Hakkai, I am sorry
I did not tell you before. I truly am.” and really that was all she could say.
She had no excuses and she still didn’t know why she was so afraid of telling
them the truth, when that fear was unfounded.
“You have no idea as to the hurt
you have caused?” he asked her. “No idea the dark memories I had dredged up
from the bottom of this tainted soul. Memories best left buried.”
“Whoever you were Hakkai, it is
who you are now that matters to me. You are no tainted soul. You are a good
person. I believe you to be a good person.” Mei spoke with firmness.
“You may have those dark memories and a past you wouldn’t wish upon your worst
enemy; but all that is a part of what makes who you are today.”
“You are the teacher Hakkai,” Mei
went on relentlessly, “don’t you think that all life is, is a learning curve.
We learn from our lives. If you look at life that way, you’ll have fewer
regrets.”
“It is not that easy you know. I
was the age you are now when I came upon my darkest hours. A little younger
even.” answered Hakkai.
“You know the saying every cloud
has a silver lining. Think back to then and say truly that you came out with
nothing” countered Mei.
And he was going to say he had
nothing; a great void, a nothingness of pain and guilt. But no, that was not
true. Gojyo. Gojyo was everything. He was the silver. Sanzo too as he was the
one who had stepped in on his behalf, and inscrutable as the monk was in his
own way (Sanzo could deny it all he wanted) taught Hakkai to live for himself.
It had not been an easy lesson to learn. All those times he taught Goku, Goku
was teaching him to look at the world through his eyes which saw everything as
new and wondrous.
Painful as it was, Hakkai had to
admit that Mei was right, he would not know Sanzo or Goku…and life certainly
was rewarding with them around…if only because you appreciated being alive at
the end of the day all the more. And if he didn’t know them, and if he hadn’t
gone on some crazy quest with them. Gojyo wouldn’t have run into Mei (or
whichever way round it was) and fast forward to today, Siuan certainly would
not be here. And Siuan was certainly something precious to be cherished. His
daughter. It didn’t feel too odd thinking that then. Along with that
thought came an indescribable feeling of wonderment, and it rolled through him
to his very centre like a tidal wave. It was like witnessing the radiance of a
miracle, and it was his miracle.
They had now fallen in a
companionable lull.
What an amazing girl-woman that
was stood in front of him. No wonder that Gojyo had wanted to keep her
friendship more than taint it with a night of flirtatious lust. And she really
was persistent too. If there was a heaven, then all the Gods were laughing at
him and him along with them. What an egotistical idiot he sometimes was. Then
again it was not every day that you learn that you’re a father. It takes time
to get used to the idea let alone the reality of it being suddenly thrust upon
you, he thought.
“She is beautiful…like her
mother”
“She is beautiful like her father
too.”
Was that accession? After a
fashion maybe. But where did that leave them and how to move forward from this
juncture.
“Hakkai, do you want us to come
live near you?” she hesitantly continued, “I can ask Mrs Lee to put us up for a
while till I can find other arrangements.” Her voice trailed off “but if you
don’t want to …” then added, “my parents are more than happy to have us here.
They dote on Siuan so.”
“Yes it will be a good idea that
you both stay here” Hakkai put forth. “Mrs Lee’s place is not suitable for a
child” Hakkai was thinking, Siuan could hurt herself at the pottery. The house
really was the only place for them, but of course it wasn’t big enough. Gojyo
wanted to get on with bigger projects for the house…well he was about to get
his wish. And he had to get himself full time work too. Mei could find work if
she wanted to and ahahaha Gojyo could baby-sit?
“Only until I get Gojyo to put
forward his ideas for the house to enlarge the living space…and when it’s ready
I think I would like for both of you to be there” Hakkai added thoughtfully.
“If you wished it.”
Mei could not believe what she
was hearing. Nevertheless she treaded carefully. “Are you sure?” That would
certainly be wonderful for Siuan, but would that situation be a little awkward
for the three adults. “Would the three of us cope…and you haven’t asked Gojyo
yet” Mei wondered out loud.
“Eh! Ask me what?” a familiar
deep voice came up behind them. “Mei, your mother sent me out here to call you
in for lunch…oh and Mei the baby is awake, and I guess you’re needed.”
Lunch already? Had their
discourse been so long?
“Uh! I better go. I’ll see you
inside” Mei said as she wandered back down the path Gojyo had just come.... She
stopped abreast of the taller man, looked up to him searching his eyes “I’m
sorry Gojyo; I did not mean to hurt him, either of you.” She beseeched him
“Please find it in your heart to forgive me.” Then she was gone.
The redhead found his friend
leant against a boulder, arms crossed and deep in thought. “So…what was it you
needed to ask?” as usual trying to keep things light.
Hakkai looked over to Gojyo
peering at him over the rim of his glasses- difficult to do when he was seated
and Gojyo who was taller was still standing- he had to crane his neck a little
“Have I told you I love you?”
“Nope, not today.” Gojyo said,
hypnotized by the flash of that pale slender neck exposed by the movement. And
the time that those words would have sent him scurrying in the opposite
direction was a long time gone.
“I have always wondered what I
had done to deserve you, and it certainly isn’t anything in this life”
Aaah. Hakkai’s thoughts seemed
everywhere, but as long as the focus was him Gojyo did not mind. As long as
they grounded Hakkai to earth, to him; Gojyo did not mind at all.
“What did I do to deserve you?”
Gojyo asked Hakkai. It wasn’t like they had never had this conversation before.
They were just questions, and did not really need answering. Because neither of
them put much stock into things like fate or destiny. They just were.
“I’m a father now Gojyo” Hakkai
whispered quietly and saying it to Gojyo the words didn’t feel as awkward then.
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“You will be a wonderful father”
Gojyo said with finality “and whatever it is you know you don’t need to ask.”
Then he held out his hand, “now come on, it’s lunch time and I believe we have
plans to make.”
Gojyo’s tanned and calloused
angular hand covered and gripped a pale hand with long slim fingers.
“Remember, as long as we do it
together… it doesn’t matter.”
Hakkai nodded and thought…and
that at least is right, and that at least feels right.
And the touch of warmth that
passed through their hands had nothing to do with the noonday sun.
~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~”~
Author’s note: The term “Gojyo red” comes from Itainohime,
from her fic “Manzarayumedehanai”
Alright folks, let’s knock this one on the head okay.
Thank you all who have got this far, for bearing with me…because sometimes I
think I can actually write.
And thank you very much to Solaas and El, for guidance. I
hope I got it somewhat right in the end.