Existential Difficulties by Tavam
Index
Chapter 1: Sanity
Chapter 2: Between
Chapter 3: Taint
Chapter 4: Breaking
Chapter 5: Reality
Chapter 6: Removed
Chapter 7: Pain
Chapter 8: Morning
Chapter 9: Crawl
Chapter 10: Beyond
Chapter 11: Refuge
Chapter 12: Need
Chapter 13: Unsealed
Chapter 14: Pieces
Chapter 15: Sliding
Disclaimer: Saiyuki in all its incarnations still belongs to people who are not me, including Kazuya Minekura.
Existential Difficulties:
Ch. 1 ~ Sanity
~~~~~~~~~
It was easier, in the darkness, knowing that past and present were blurring and he was going insane -- really, truly insane, this time. It was almost comforting to think he might lose himself completely, and not have to think. If all there was, all there ever would be, was madness and blood and rain that washed nothing away, then so be it, he would embrace it, stop struggling with rationale and reason and just be the embodiment of insanity.
But there was a voice that said he had no right to go insane.
There was a voice that said this was only punishment and he had no right to escape.
There was a voice that said he could not lose what was already lost.
And sometimes, in the darkness between worlds, there was a voice that said there was still something worth fighting for.
So he fought for himself again, clawing back from the edges of a world gone mad to a world he remembered as only slightly more reasonable.
Reason was such an artificial thing. Human comprehension was such a limited thing.
The rock wall was rough. The shackles were too tight. And it was so god-awful hot. The heat was melting what was left of his brain.
Because it could not possibly be raining here, inside a volcanic mountain.
~*~*~
"Perhaps we lost our minds in the process of becoming dead and so are unable to recognize this state of existence as we should," Sanzo offered drily.
Hakkai considered this in silence for some time. "Oh, now there's a cheerful thought!" he said. Sanzo made a questioning noise, and Hakkai explained, "Perhaps we're not yet dead, but our minds have become disconnected from our bodies, which are still in the process of dying."
"Ooo, good one. Very cheerful," Sanzo acknowledged.
"Thank you."
A moment of silence. "Are you trying to outdo me?"
"... Of course not."
"Hmm..."
~*~*~
Sometimes, he fell asleep, with the sound of impossible rain drumming in his ears and his scars throbbing in counterpoint. Or maybe it was not sleep, maybe it was only another unconscious state, or worse, another state of conscious. Sleep should have been restful after all.
~*~*~
"Limbo," Sanzo muttered.
"Do you think so?" Hakkai asked.
"We don't seem to be journeying," Sanzo pointed out.
Hakkai considered this. A faint echo of memory ghosted across his right eye, and he shivered. "Perhaps the journey has reached its end, and we are being allowed a moment's respite."
Sanzo snorted, rolled over onto his stomach, propped his chin on his fist and glared over at Hakkai. "This hardly seems restful." Violet eyes slanted away, staring into the darkness. "Maybe... we've fallen out of the cycle."
An unpleasant thought. "That would perhaps explain why we are here alone..."
They both considered the implications in silence for a moment. And when the conversation resumed, it was, unsurprisingly, along a non-linear tangent.
"If so... then the rules don't apply," Sanzo said quietly.
Hakkai glanced down, met the gaze that was dark with unspoken implication and a fire that was usually restrained. It sounded like an offer, or as close to one as Sanzo would ever come, but accepting it would mean changing things, and even if the rules did not apply here, and now, what effect would that change have on reality? If there was a reality to which they could eventually return.
That was also leaving aside the whole question of whether or not this was in fact Sanzo. It might, perhaps, be simply a projection of his own mind, perhaps simply himself choosing to see the version of Sanzo that he might -- if he would admit such a thing -- most want to see. Where could he, how would he, know to draw the line between fantasy and reality?
And as much as that smouldering look made desire flare along his own nerves, he couldn't bring himself to act on it, couldn't bridge the short, immeasurable distance between them.
Silence then. Silence and darkness and no place for logic or reason, but there was heat between their bodies where they lay close, but not quite touching.
"It is unnaturally quiet here," Sanzo murmured.
"Exceedingly so," Hakkai replied.
It was Goku he thought of first, because there was only blankness and void when he thought of Gojyo, and that couldn't be right. Closing his eyes, he looked for the solid comfort of Goku's presence. For a dizzying span of non-time, he swung out of place, and found himself looking back at Goku curled beside Sanzo, sound asleep. And there was Hakuryuu as well, tucked up and sleeping beneath one wing. Relief surged through him.
The moment snapped, and he blinked before turning to Sanzo to say, "Goku is still Goku, it seems. And still very much asleep."
Sanzo had no answer for that.
Neither of them asked the question they both had.
Phantom pain rippled across him, driving claws into his stomach gently before skittering away. He must have made some noise, or Sanzo must have seen his hand creep to press against the scar, for he asked, "What is it?"
Hakkai shook his head slightly. "Phantom pain," he whispered. Letting his eyes fall closed, he added, "I am so very tired...."
"Hn."
~*~*~
Sometimes, it was not rain. Sometimes it was immortal youkai and kami and one impossible battle that he must win, because really, it would be so very simple if he just allowed himself to become the full extent of evil that he was. It should not be so difficult a choice, when all the options were weighed and measured, but that one moment of realization seemed to stretch on ad infinitum, until it became the moment of transition, and no, what seemed like infinity before must only have been a span of mortal coil because this, this exquisite agony of a soul ripping, this was eternity.
Until the darkness came again.
~*~*~
"Are you in two places at once?" Sanzo asked.
Hakkai blinked and considered this. "I suppose I might be. Why?"
"Goku said you look thin, like you're stretched between places."
"Perhaps I am," Hakkai murmured. But when he went looking, his mind shivered away from knowledge, leaving him with only the vaguest of impressions. "A cave, it seems," he said, mostly to himself.
Sanzo grunted, as if it confirmed something he already knew. Somehow. "Are they trying to destroy us, again?"
"Hmm..." Hakkai replied. "Not us," he said slowly. "The bonds between us." Sanzo didn't reply. After a moment, he added, "Or both," trying for the cheerfully morbid tone they'd had the first time.
It fell flat, as he'd expected it would. There was nothing even slightly humorous about the idea of the connections between them being snapped.
"But where is Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, finally, frowning. It wasn't quite a change of topic.
"Perhaps he's the only one of us who is already dead."
It wasn't quite a glare that he turned on Sanzo, because he simply didn't do that, but worry sharpened his gaze.
"I have been looking for him," Sanzo admitted, glancing away.
Silence again, and each with his own thoughts, until something in the air, the chi of the non-place shivered, and Hakkai glanced sideways. Sanzo was disappearing, which was perplexing and troubling enough to distract him from his attempts to decipher their situation. He could, he supposed, grab hold of Sanzo and keep him here, somehow, but the process was so disturbingly fascinating that he chose to watch instead.
And then he was alone in the darkness, bereft of the comfort and familiarity of Sanzo's presence. Phantom pain stabbed at him again, and he grimaced, curling on his side with his arms wrapped around his stomach. Closing his eyes for a brief moment, he pushed away memory and pain, holding to the disconnected peace of the darkness.
A different kind of madness, perhaps, that he would imagine them all here when obviously there were rifts of unknown dimensions between them.
When he opened his eyes again, they fell on a pool of red and it took him far too long to distinguish strands of hair from the puddle of blood his mind would insist was there.
"Oh, fuck," Gojyo growled. "Ow. Tell the world to stop spinning." Peering out through the curtain of his hair, he scowled and grimaced. "Oh, my head! Shit."
Well, it certainly sounded like Gojyo. "What hurts?" Hakkai asked.
"What doesn't?" Gojyo snarked. "Fuck, my head..." Glancing around, he took in their complete lack of surroundings silently for a moment before turning a baffled look on Hakkai. "What is this place?"
"Ah, well... we don't actually know," Hakkai replied, allowing the slightly self-deprecating smile to slide over his features. "Sanzo and I have been hypothesizing --"
"The monk's here, too?" Gojyo craned his neck around, searching the darkness.
"Ah, not at the moment," Hakkai said, still smiling a little.
"And the monkey?"
"Not here now, either... although Sanzo has spoken to him."
"Huh."
Lying there, side by side, was comfortable and familiar, and Hakkai thought he might almost fall into a real sleep, if such a thing were still possible, when Goyjo grimaced and clutched at his stomach.
"What is it?" he asked reflexively, already reaching out.
Gojyo's reply was an incoherent string of profanity and pain. Frowning, Hakkai pushed his hands aside, passing his own lightly over Gojyo's stomach and wincing at the ragged chi around a large and obvious wound. Except there was no wound, here, in the non-space. Which would make sense if these were only projections of their minds, their self-images, while their real bodies and selves remained elsewhere. But if they could feel pain here, there was no reason he couldn't heal it. Ignoring vague thoughts of bending reality, Hakkai closed his eyes and focused his attention and chi on closing the wound.
It would not stay closed, or rather, something reopened the wound -- or created a new one -- as soon as he managed to seal the edges.
Sitting back on his heels, he frowned down at Gojyo. "I cannot heal it," he said. "Something keeps ripping it open again."
Gojyo's pain-fogged eyes focused on him briefly. "I know," he whispered hoarsely.
Turning his attention to the damage again, Hakkai closed his eyes and tried to look past what he couldn't see to find the problem. Something skittered under his hand, crawling further into Gojyo's body. Following it was difficult, given that it seemed to be trying to crawl behind vital organs -- or maybe through them -- but he kept his chi focused in a tight beam and tracked it as carefully as he could.
"Fucking kill it!" Gojyo growled through clenched teeth.
Hakkai shook his head slightly as the bug-like thing -- or one of them; they seemed to be multiplying -- burrowed deeper. He couldn't actually reach it -- not the source of it, wherever that was. Wherever Gojyo was, really. The bug skittered out into the open and he made one last desperate attempt to burn it out of existence. The sudden twisted reflection of his chi ball back towards him scorched his left palm, and he yanked his hands away with a muffled exclamation. Gojyo's presence disappeared with a sharp pop that left him reeling even further off-balance.
"I fucking hate parasites."
Studying his palm, Hakkai nodded at Sanzo. "I couldn't kill it," he said mildly, covering his disorientation.
"It's not here for you to kill," Sanzo pointed out in a tone that said he was stating the obvious. "Did it infect you?"
Glancing up, Hakkai met Sanzo's surprisingly worried gaze evenly. "No," he said slowly. "At least, I don't think so. I just... scorched my hand." The thumb of his right hand kept rubbing over the palm of his left, soothing invisible burn marks.
Sanzo grunted, looking unconvinced.
It took a greater effort than it should have to re-focus his attention. "Can you find him again?" he asked.
"I didn't find him in the first place," Sanzo admitted grudgingly. "Must have just gotten close enough that he found me."
"Ah," Hakkai murmured. "Would you... try?" he asked softly, a few moments later. He half-expected Sanzo to snap out something about stupid questions, but strangely enough the monk only turned his attention elsewhere and faded out again.
A different kind of darkness reached for Hakkai, laced with an awareness of pain and unbearable heat. Lying down again, he curled up on his side, one arm pressed tightly over the ache in his stomach. His left hand curled in a fist, fingernails scraping against his strangely sensitive palm. Closing his eyes, he fought the urge to give in to what was easier, to follow the pull of his body and reunite his divided consciousness.
"What's happening?" a familiar voice exclaimed in equal parts fear and frustration.
His startled gaze fell on Goku and he blinked at him stupidly for a moment before finding words. "Everyone... being pulled apart again. Separated."
"No way!" Goku said. "I'm not gonna let that happen!"
Hakkai had to close his eyes against the ripples of chi in the non-space as Goku turned and reached and suddenly Sanzo was there again. He breathed a small sigh of relief that would have been larger had Gojyo returned as well.
"Shit," Sanzo muttered, sprawling beside him. "Fuck."
There might have been more, but sound was playing tricks on him, fading in and out in waves. He couldn't get his eyes open. Sleep crawled over him, dragging him down into yet another state of existence.
~end Ch. 1~
Yawning, Goku stretched and tried to wake up. The fact that he had to try was weird, because waking up usually meant it was time for breakfast, or at least food, and he could always wake up quickly when he wanted to. But it was like something was trying to keep him asleep, which was both weird and annoying, because he couldn't remember what he'd been doing before he fell asleep, and it might be important to wake up.
Rolling over, he took a deep breath and tried to get a grip on his surroundings. The dark blankness was definitely weird, not to mention kind of disturbing, so he quickly looked for the others. Sanzo and Hakkai weren't far, of course. Looked like they were talking, probably about stuff that had nothing to do with food. The stupid kappa was missing, but as long as he wasn't eating everything it didn't really matter.
Except Hakkai disappeared before he reached them. His sleep fogged brain insisted he must have just left the room, and never mind the thought that there was no room to leave. And what was with Sanzo lying down, anyway? Was he that tired? Had Hakkai been healing him? He couldn't smell blood, but that didn't mean something hadn't happened. Curling up beside Sanzo, Goku frowned and tried not to think too hard about it but let the ideas drift to him instead. It worked better that way.
Of course, the ideas that drifted to him were pretty strange, but he didn't stop to analyze them, just like he chose not to think about this place -- if it was a place -- that had no dimensions or texture.
"Naa... Sanzo? Is Hakkai in two places at once?"
Sanzo glanced at him sharply, and he waited, not flinching, for the expected blow that never came.
"I don't know," Sanzo said finally, looking away again. "Why?"
Goku shrugged, like it didn't matter. Except it did, of course. "He looks... thin. Like he's stretched."
"Hn."
Hiding a yawn, Goku tucked his head down a little, so he wasn't staring at Sanzo's profile. It was quiet and peaceful here, and Sanzo's presence -- even if it wasn't as... solid as usual -- was still comforting and familiar. He could almost fall asleep again.
"Do you know where he is?" Sanzo asked.
"Huh?" Goku replied, and added, "In a cave," without really thinking about it. It seemed obvious to him in a way that needed no explanation.
"And Gojyo?"
Images flashed, and he shrugged one shoulder. "In another cave, I think. Not in the same place, anyway."
Sanzo grunted a wordless reply and shivered almost imperceptibly. Tilting his head back, Goku found Sanzo studying him, his expression unreadable even to Goku.
"It is so cold," he muttered finally.
Wordlessly Goku shifted toward him and Sanzo moved his arm out of the way so that Goku could lay his head on his shoulder. Draping one arm over Sanzo's chest, he fit his body against the slender length of Sanzo's. His skin was surprisingly cool, and that was more worrying than the realization that he could feel Sanzo's skin because his robes were missing, though they hadn't been before, had they?
"It's because you're outside," he said, speaking what instinct told him. Sanzo's hand, which had been moving through his tousled hair, stilled. "On the mountain," he added, realizing Sanzo was waiting for something.
"Is that where we are, then?"
It didn't really sound like a question, so Goku didn't answer. Besides, if he tried to actually think about what he was saying, it all ran off sideways, leaving him with a headache. Sanzo's hand moved over his back, his touch still cool through the thin fabric of Goku's tunic. It was easy to forget about the world, forget about details like reality, while he was here and Sanzo was here and there wasn't really anything else in the world he wanted at the moment, except to warm Sanzo up.
Sanzo made a thinking noise, like he was going to ask something else, so Goku shifted his head, moving just enough so that he could meet Sanzo's eyes. The look in those violet eyes had changed, and now it was one he was quite familiar with, even if it was one he didn't get to see anywhere near often enough. With a wordless growl, Sanzo rolled sideways, throwing his leg over Goku's hip and crushing their lips together in a hungry kiss.
Goku smiled into the kiss, wriggling over onto his back as Sanzo leaned over him. This was one way to warm him up, and one of the better ways, in his opinion. Wrapping his arms over Sanzo's back, he pulled him closer, holding him tightly as Sanzo stretched out on top of him. Sanzo's fingers were knotted in his hair, pulling his head back a little. And his mouth just never let up with those hungry, demanding kisses, hard enough to bruise maybe, but Goku didn't bruise so easily.
Sliding his hands down Sanzo's back, he reached for the waistband of his jeans and encountered only bare skin, cool and shivery but warming beneath his touch. It might have made him stop to consider, because Sanzo had been wearing some clothes -- and so had he for that matter -- but Sanzo wasn't leaving much room for thinking, what with his lips and tongue doing that and his hips grinding against Goku just so. Clothes just had to be removed anyway, so if they'd gotten themselves out of the way, that made getting to the point a whole lot easier.
Sanzo shifted down a little, growling impatiently, and Goku wrapped his legs around Sanzo's waist. Their bodies fit together like they'd been made for this, and the feeling of Sanzo inside him, his scent and energy surrounding him, was as close to perfection as Goku figured anyone should get. There were waves of sensation to ride, and rhythms to explore, and all the pulsing, trembling, rippling intensity of feeling.
yes! yes... right there...
faster! more... deeper...
wait. wait. let it ebb.
ohhh, yes... like that, just like that...
again, and again, and almost...
rising and falling
cresting
mine.
yours.
now?
yes. now.
And the world exploded and rebuilt itself around them.
Sanzo collapsed on top of him, and Goku was content. Satisfied. He smiled into Sanzo's hair, running his hands lightly over skin that was definitely warm now. They were both sweaty. Sweaty was good. The tiny motions running through Sanzo's muscles were not shivers, not anymore. He unlocked his legs from around Sanzo's waist, let himself sprawl bonelessly beneath him. Of course Sanzo shifted and pulled away soon after, but at least Goku managed to hold back the soft whine of complaint. And Sanzo didn't go far, only rolled over onto his side, facing away from him, and didn't push Goku away when he spooned himself against his back. He wiggled a little bit, trying to get comfortable, so of course Sanzo noticed that he was growing hard again already, but Sanzo just made a noise that was almost a laugh.
"I can't keep up with your appetites," he said quietly, sounding amused.
Goku smiled and nipped at Sanzo's shoulder before pressing a kiss there. "I know," he said softly, around a yawn. "'M tired, anyway." He wanted to keep Sanzo warm, too, so they really should have a blanket, or at least a sheet or something, because putting clothes back on was too much bother. So he stretched out his arm, found a quilt, and twitched it up over both of them.
"This place is weird," he muttered, yawning again.
"...needed you too much for that to matter," Sanzo replied, so softly that Goku thought he'd imagined it.
And he must have imagined it, because Sanzo didn't say things like that, and this most definitely was Sanzo, no mistaking that, except... except... He let the thought drift sideways away from him so that it could sneak up and explain itself.
"Feels like part of me is missing..." Sanzo added, like he was talking to himself.
That was the problem. The rest of him was out on the mountain. Which didn't make this part any less Sanzo, but it wasn't all of him. All his hard edges and stubbornness and desperate solitariness must be elsewhere, where they were needed to help him fight and stay alive. But Goku was falling asleep and couldn't find words to explain, because to explain something you had to make it make sense, and he couldn't really.
So he just held onto Sanzo, and slept.
Darkness. A comfort and a blessing this time. He was more aware of the transition, aware of letting go of his body and sliding his mind between spaces.
It was somewhat of a disappointment to find he was the only one there, in the subjective reality they'd created. He'd almost been looking forward to coaxing Sanzo into a debate of one form or another, to distract them both from the suffering of their bodies, if they could not determine a way to free themselves. He still couldn't remember how they had become trapped here, how they'd gotten into this situation in the first place, and the others didn't seem to have any more ability to access that knowledge while in this place than he did. Without that knowledge, it was difficult to even consider how to change their situation.
It was Gojyo who faded into view some time later, but his presence wavered and flickered. Frowning, Hakkai sat on his heels beside him and considered. Gojyo's posture implied he, too, was restrained; his arms stretched out and his hands fisted. Judging by the jerks and twitches of his muscles, he was still struggling to get free, albeit weakly. He strength must be nearly exhausted.
Placing his hands on either side of Gojyo's head, Hakkai closed his eyes and focused on pulling Gojyo away from his body. Intuition guided his hands and chi, and he frowned unconciously as something -- not Gojyo -- countered his actions, holding the redhead back, refusing to let go.
I will not leave him to suffer, he thought, setting his lips in a grim, thin line. Curling his fingers, he yanked sharply on Gojyo's chi.
Something went pop without sound -- a sudden rush of displaced air -- and Hakkai reeled off-balance as everything shifted. When he'd caught his breath and straightened up again, Gojyo was blinking at him, aware and focused on the non-space.
"Thanks," he said softly.
Hakkai nodded and smiled and tried not to sway. Gojyo made a groaning effort to sit up, got halfway there and collapsed again before Hakkai could offer a hand.
"Shit," he muttered, glaring good-naturedly at Hakkai. "You're makin' me look bad again."
Still smiling, Hakkai swayed slightly.
"Hey," Gojyo said, reaching out a hand to Hakkai. "Lie down before you fall down, will you?"
Nodding slightly, Hakkai carefully untucked himself and lay down beside him. As much as he wanted to curl up against him, soak in the warmth of Gojyo's body, he still kept a seemly distance between them. That was not comfort he was allowed to have, and he knew it. But it made something in him ache.
"What did you do, anyway?" Gojyo asked, some time later.
"Hmm? Oh. I just pulled your mind free of your body," Hakkai replied.
"... Huh." Gojyo considered this in silence. The edges of his presence softened, and he winced slightly.
"Don't," Hakkai said, more sharply than he meant to as he tapped Gojyo on the shoulder.
"Hah?"
"Don't go looking for your body. You might get pulled back." Shifting a little, he angled his gaze to meet Gojyo's. "I don't think I could do that again," he added softly.
"Oh."
They lay in silence then, even though there were things Hakkai wanted to say. He couldn't bring himself to broach certain topics, to speak of certain... potential aspects of their relationship that were, almost certainly, unwanted by Gojyo. Because Gojyo was not interested in men. He knew that, clearly, sharply. A certainty he could rely on. And yet... and yet...
Closing his eyes, he tried to hold back the laugh at himself. He shouldn't be so foolish. Thinking of such desires, he couldn't help but remember the heat of Sanzo's gaze, and the simple statement "then the rules do not apply." What had he missed? Would the chance come again? Ah, but did it matter? He was not to have such things. He knew that also. What he tried to have would always be taken from him, and what he'd done while trying to regain what had been taken meant that he no longer deserved anyone or anything. He had no right to hope, or dream, or desire...
Lost in his own thoughts, Hakkai still noticed when Gojyo stirred, and moaned slightly. His eyes had fallen shut, and a frown of pain contorted his features. He curled a little, and Hakkai recognized, with a pang of unwanted familiarity, the posture of someone protecting a stomach wound. Gojyo's body was still infected by the parasites, after all. He hadn't been able to do anything about that.
"Gojyo?" Hakkai said quietly. There was no response, of course. He should have kept Gojyo distracted, kept him focused here in this space, rather than brooding on his own selfish, pointless thoughts and regrets. But he had so little strength left. He couldn't pull Gojyo back a second time, not if the connection to his body was growing stronger.
Reaching out, he laid his hand on Gojyo's shoulder, felt muscles jump beneath his touch, but was still unprepared for the sudden movement of Gojyo's hand locking tight around his wrist. Instinct warred with reason; one telling him to break the hold and quickly, the other insisting it was only Gojyo needing something by which to ground himself. Something to hold on to. Never mind that Hakkai himself was too tired to struggle anyway. It would be so easy to just relax, let it all go... stop this pointless fight...
No. That was wrong. Where had that thought come from? He must fight, must hold on.
A silent tug of war began then, as some thing tried to bend Gojyo's body to its will. Putting his weight behind it, Hakkai pushed Gojyo's arm back towards his body, with the thought that he might be able to pin him down and push him back into his body. As cruel as it might be, it seemed to be the only option. But Gojyo was physically stronger than him, and even in a weakened state, there was no exception to that. Not with the force of some other will driving him.
Gojyo's fingernails dug sharply into Hakkai's wrist and he bit back a cry at the sharp pain of claws digging for the energy channel there. Instinct made him try to pull back, yank his arm away, but he wasn't strong enough, and pulling only gave the other more control. For a moment, their arms locked in a dead heat, equally distanced between them, but the thing was still digging at Hakkai's chi and he didn't have the focus to be able to fight both a physical and a chi attack.
The muscles in his arm trembled, and something that was not Gojyo made a hissing noise. His wrist felt like it was about to snap, or worse, that the energy channel was about to break and leave his hand more than useless. His arm was shoved back suddenly, violently, toward his chest, and as he struggled to push back, Gojyo's other hand shot out, and sharp claws that were not Gojyo's at all dug suddenly into his side.
He gasped, lashed out and rolled away at the same time. Several twisted strands of chi rippled and snapped and then Gojyo was gone, leaving Hakkai trembling and exhausted.
But not alone.
"Shit!" Sanzo swore, looking for all the world like he would rather be pacing restlessly, or better yet, putting several bullets through something, but didn't have the energy to do more than sit cross-legged and fairly vibrate with fury.
Hakkai slanted his gaze away, right hand wrapped tightly over the wound in his left wrist.
"Did he break it? Or is it just the energy channel?" Sanzo asked, leaning closer.
Frowning, Hakkai flicked a glance at him.
"Just the energy channel. Ch," Sanzo muttered. Which translated to: I can't believe I just said something so stupid. Where the fuck is my brain?
"I... don't think it's broken," Hakkai said cautiously. It ached in a way that was beyond bone-deep pain. He'd never experienced anything like the chi ripping and twisting beneath his skin. It was difficult enough to heal himself sometimes, but this was nearly impossible. The best he could do was soothe the energy, convince it to untwist a little and coax it into flowing again.
"Did it infect you?" Sanzo asked, watching him warily and keeping his distance.
Hakkai let his head fall forward, hiding his eyes behind his hair. He dearly wanted to deny it, wanted to believe he'd been strong enough... But there was a pain in his stomach that had nothing to do with the old wound. That didn't try to crawl around inside him, after all.
"Yes, I believe so," he said softly.
Sanzo swore and Hakkai tried not to cringe.
"It's trying to use us against each other," Sanzo growled. "We can't afford to let it in here."
Hakkai's lips twitched in what was not at all a smile. "Ah... That may be my fault. I pulled Gojyo here."
The look Sanzo shot him held too many meanings. He cast his eyes down to his wrist where it lay cradled against his chest.
"You can't do that again."
"I know," he said softly, aching in too many ways. "I was not strong enough..."
"Don't even start," Sanzo snapped.
Hakkai shook his head helplessly. "I should go," he said, attempting something like resolve despite the way it sliced right through him. "It may try to overpower me in the same way, now that I am infected, too."
Sanzo grunted a non-reply. A lit cigarette appeared in his hand, and he smoked it without even seeming to notice its sudden arrival.
With a sigh that had too much of a hitch in it, Hakkai let go and reached for his body.
~end ch.3~
"Why are you still free?" Sanzo asked, between smokes.
Sitting beside him, Goku shrugged.
"Are you?" Sanzo persisted.
"I... don't know. I guess so." Putting his hands on his ankles, Goku rolled his shoulders. "I could try to figure it out..."
"Don't," Sanzo said, sharply. Goku blinked at him. "I don't want you to get caught as well, if you are still free."
Making an annoyed face, Goku sighed. Sanzo made a considering noise and returned his attention to his cigarette.
"Something... seems to want me to sleep a lot," Goku said slowly, feeling his way through the thought.
Sanzo glanced sideways at him. "Why?" he asked.
Goku shook his head helplessly. "I don't remember." It came out like a whine, and he scowled, annoyed at himself. He tried not to tense, waiting for the inevitable swoop of the harisen.
Stretching out his left arm, Sanzo grasped Goku's shoulder and tugged, pulling him closer. Surprised, but happy, Goku sprawled beside him, resting his cheek on Sanzo's leg and facing out into the darkness. Sanzo kept his other knee upraised, forearm resting on his knee, cigarette held between two fingers. Threading the fingers of his other hand into Goku's hair, he remained silent for some time; so long that Goku had started to fall asleep again.
Sanzo's fingers brushed over his limiter, and the almost constant tension of it eased a little. "If you are free, it must be for a reason," Sanzo said, in the kind of quiet, reflective tone he expected to hear from Hakkai. "Why are you so important? Or is it unimportant? That we are made to suffer while you only sleep..."
Goku shrugged one shoulder to show he was listening, but had no answer. It sure didn't seem fair, but life wasn't fair, and he didn't expect it to be.
"Perhaps... it did not expect you to find a way to be awake. Like it didn't expect us to be able to find a way to talk to each other." Sanzo snorted, making it clear how unimpressed he was at being underestimated. And yet... maybe grateful, too. Because if they hadn't found each other...
"It?" Goku asked, pushing away thoughts of being alone again.
Sanzo gestured with his cigarette. No ash fell, Goku noted. Like it wasn't really burning.
"Whoever -- or whatever -- it is that is behind this."
"It's the mountain," Goku replied, letting his eyes slide closed. And no, he couldn't explain it, and no, he wasn't about to try.
Sanzo's fingers tightened in his hair. Silence fell between them, but it was a silence humming with sudden meaning. Goku drifted, not quite awake, not quite asleep, aware of too many things in too many places. Threads, running every which way, through the non-space, through the mountain, and beyond.
"But what if it is all about you, or because of you, again..." Sanzo murmured. He gave his cigarette a strange look and stubbed it out.
Something in Sanzo's tone stirred the edges of a long-forgotten memory. Konzen, his mind whispered. A name without place here, except that it belonged. Rolling onto his back, Goku peered up through the darkness that seemed suddenly thicker, to a pale face surrounded by gold. Violet eyes blinked at him, and something seemed to shift.
"Remember how you tell others to fight for themselves if they want to grow stronger?" Sanzo asked softly.
Goku nodded. "It's what I do," he replied, equally as soft.
Wisps of long golden hair brushed his chin as he inclined his head. "You can only teach the lessons you've learned, the ones you live yourself," he said, his voice darker and stronger now. Yet he hesitated, strangely uncertain.
Goku would have sat up to face him properly, but the hand was still in his hair, holding him down. It made him feel both younger and older than he usually did.
"There will come a time when you don't need this," Sanzo-not-Sanzo said, brushing his fingers over the limiter. "It's not natural for you to be this way. Someday, you'll be able to control it, choose when and how to use your full strength, and not lose yourself to it or in it."
Goku stared up at him for a moment and then closed his eyes. Konzen, he wanted to whisper, but he didn't want to get hit, and anyway, thinking that name made a headache start creeping up on him. Konzen...
"Trust no one but yourself. Trust yourself and your own strength. It is what it is."
His throat felt thick, like he might cry, but that would be stupid. There wasn't any reason to right now. He understood what Sanzo (Konzen) was saying, what he meant, what he was suggesting without putting it into words.
The only thing that had ever scared Goku was the thought of being alone. Maybe that was why the tears were creeping up on him -- because he heard the words as pushing him away, making him stand on his own feet. But not yet... He wasn't ready yet.
"I should keep fighting," he said, opening his eyes again. "Not just sleep."
A smile flickered across Sanzo's face, so quickly that he might have missed it if he hadn't been watching so carefully. And he would have sworn it was a proud smile, like he'd just passed some test or done really well at a lesson. It made him even more determined to do what he could to make things right. Sanzo needed his help. So did Hakkai, and Gojyo.
Without realizing what he was doing, he left the non-space.
~*~*~
Bowing his head, Sanzo sighed into the darkness, and waited.
~*~*~
"Time," Hakkai declared, without preface or even a hint of an apology for re-appearing in the non-space despite his declared intention not to do so. "They are looping time on me, somehow. Making the past happen over and over again, and not just in my mind, obviously. If that were the case, my mind would not be so free to find you here. No, they are making it real somehow, bending reality and time into an infinite loop." His eye ached fiercely and it was just best not to think about his stomach at all. "How very clever and tedious of them."
Running out of steam for the moment, he searched the darkness for his audience. Sanzo was curled up very tightly, as if he was either trying to hide or conserve body heat. He also seemed to be trembling.
"Reality is breaking," Sanzo muttered.
"I do not think so," Hakkai replied, moving to sit cross-legged beside him. "We may be expected to believe it is so, but reality -- however you choose to define it -- remains."
"Shattering into a million pieces and being rebuilt, endlessly."
Hakkai frowned, truly concerned now. If their faceless opponent had built a trap for Sanzo's mind as well as his body, a trap strong enough to convince him -- even here -- that the world was being destroyed, then they were facing a formidable opponent indeed.
"I am not shattering, and I certainly do not feel like I am in a million pieces," Hakkai said firmly. "My sanity may be questionable, but I can tell that much at least."
Violet eyes turned toward him, but did not see him. "Everything... dissolving into energy... reforming... wrong... how will I ever find all the pieces again?"
Hakkai considered him silently, barely noticing the vague desire for a cigarette. "Reality is being twisted, yes," he said slowly, "But not yet broken --"
"Breaking," Sanzo muttered, shivering violently. "Nothing is real."
A huff of irritation escaped him. "Something wishes you to believe reality is beyond the point of redemption, dissolving into chaos, so that you will be unable to act. But you are stronger than that --"
"Not strong," Sanzo said, sounding strangely young and vulnerable.
At least the words had reached him. "Sanzo," he began, but Sanzo's presence was fading out on a stream of cold air.
~*~*~
"Hakkai? Shit. I'm sorry," Gojyo said, almost as soon as he'd confirmed Hakkai's presence in the non-space.
Hakkai nodded slightly, not dismissing his apology. "I do not blame you." Passing a hand lightly over his stomach, he grimaced at the sensation of the parasites stirring behind the weak chi barrier he'd erected. "I have managed to stop them from spreading at least," he said quietly.
"I wasn't strong enough to stop it," Gojyo said, glowering. "Too damn weak."
"Don't," Hakkai said, adjusting his glasses absently. "That is precisely what our enemy wants us to believe. That we are not strong enough to overcome it."
"Aren't we?" Gojyo said, grimacing. "I mean... damn... Isn't it true that we're not strong enough? None of us seem to be able to do much." He paused, took a ragged breath, and slanted his gaze away. "Or maybe it's just me."
"How do you mean?"
Gojyo shrugged one shoulder. "Half-breed's curse. You know."
He frowned. "'A plague upon all he touches,'" he murmured. It was deviously clever of their enemy; a contagious infection -- beginning as an abdominal wound just to disturb him -- that couldn't be stopped.
"Ch. Yeah. Somethin' like that. Anyway. I'm sorry." Sighing, Gojyo looked away. "Shoulda just let it kill me," he muttered under his breath.
"No!" Hakkai snapped.
Gojyo made a soothing gesture and tried to smile. "Nah, you know I don't really believe that. Just... sometimes..." Grimacing, he clutched at his stomach and fought to breathe evenly.
"Gojyo?" His frustration was quickly replaced by concern, and he reached out, only barely managing to stop himself before he touched Gojyo. Curling his hand into a fist, he let it hang in the air between them for a moment.
"Don't," Gojyo grunted through clenched teeth. "I..." He fought to breathe evenly, holding himself tense. "It's eating my insides," he growled. "It was... regenerating me somehow, so that it could do it over and over again. But now, it's stopped. It's not giving things time to regenerate." His eyes were dark pools of blood when he looked up at Hakkai. "It's killing me."
There was nothing he could do. Growling in helpless frustration, Hakkai bowed his head.
Gojyo forced a sound that wasn't quite a laugh. "Shitty way to die though. I had better plans. Guess I can't let it kill me."
Gojyo's eyes fluttered shut. His face was too pale, and the ragged holes in his chi were too easily visible, but if he still had the will to fight...
Hakkai forced a smile that was more a baring of teeth than anything pleasant and reached up to run his fingers over his left ear. Over his limiters. His hands might not be free to reach them elsewhere, but if he could reach them here...
So be it.
Gojyo's presence flickered in and out, then vanished sharply.
Curling his fingers tightly over the cuffs, Hakkai pulled off his limiters.
~end ch.4~
"Uuungh..." Gojyo groaned. It hurt to lie down, so he pulled himself into something like a sitting position, leaning hard against the rough rock wall. No good. It hurt to sit up. Fuck. It hurt.
Grimacing into the darkness, Gojyo scowled and almost -- almost -- wished the damn monkey would come back. It was all well and good for Goku to just appear out of nowhere and yank him free of the damn wall that he'd been stuck to for gods only knew how long. But really. The monkey could at least have stuck around for a little while. Distracted him with conversation, or something. At least made sure Gojyo was okay. But nooo, he was off to find Sanzo, and no amount of anything could change that.
"Goddamn son of a..." Gojyo mumbled half-heartedly. How lame. He didn't even have the energy to swear properly. It was too damn hot. His throat felt like sandpaper and his mouth was a desert. How long had it been since he'd even had a goddamn glass of water? Not that he could keep anything down at this point, what with the holes in his guts. And he wasn't even gonna think about how long it had been since he'd had a smoke.
Squinting into the pitch black of the cave, or tunnel, or wherever the fuck he was, he told his brain to get a grip before it started hallucinating. Sliding slowly sideways, he hit the ground eventually, and lay there, blinking stupidly at the small yellow light bobbing toward him.
Apparently his brain wasn't listening.
It was a very cheery little light. All bright and sparkly. Kinda like... He squinted at it, then let his eyes fall shut and studied the bright spots on the insides of his eyelids. Kinda like one of Hakkai's chi balls.
"Gojyo?"
Hunh. Hearing things, too. Not a good sign. Goku really should have stuck around to smack some sense into him when he got like this.
"H-hey... hey...!" he protested feebly, as strong, warm hands pulled him out of his half-assed fetal curl.
"Gojyo," the phantom voice repeated, and yeah, it was definately Hakkai. A Hakkai who sounded like he'd become a chain-smoker overnight, but hey, the lack of water in this place would do that to a guy. "Please cooperate."
Rolling onto his back took some doing. The wall was too damn close, and then Hakkai was in the way on the other side, and his damn body kept insisting it was made of jelly and not moving the way he told it to. But he managed it, with help, and then Hakkai's hands were hovering over the wound and the bugs were scrabbling like mad, but at least they weren't chewing anymore.
Hey... don't start a war... he wanted to say, but his jaw was locked. If he opened his mouth, chances were the scream would get out before the words, and damned if he was gonna let Hakkai make him look that bad.
The bugs stopped moving, and it took him way too long to realize that they were actually gone. It wasn't a relief. The sharp stabbing pains of their chewing and wriggling had just been a cover for the deeper, shootmenow pain. Without the bugs to distract him, it reared up and slammed down over him.
Shit, this sucks, he thought, falling into a deeper darkness.
~*~*~
Destroying the parasites and healing Gojyo took more chi than he had to give, but he did it anyway. Even so, he knew it would take several more attempts to completely repair the damage to Gojyo's internal organs. Collapsing beside him, Hakkai curled up on his right side, arms wrapped tightly around his own abdomen. He'd used too much chi; the parasites were stirring and beginning to gnaw at him, and he didn't have anything left with which to contain them.
He could deal with that, later, provided they didn't go into an accelerated attack mode. Gojyo needed to regain his strength and not die on him. He shouldn't be in danger of that now, provided no infection set in.
A small, pained smile crossed his lips, as a wave of dizziness washed over him. Turnabout might be fair play, but it was also a bitch, as Gojyo would say. He could have lived quite happily without knowing the kind of worry Gojyo must have felt for him. But the past wasn't as far away as he would prefer it to be, and he dared not dwell on it too long.
Shuddering, he fell into an exhausted sleep, his last thought a vague hope that he would still be able to speak to Sanzo in the subjective reality now that he was free.
~*~*~
When he awoke, it was with the sense that he had slept for far longer than he had meant to. It was too dark to see, especially with only one good eye -- he never had found his monocle again -- but he was too tired to make a light. Gojyo's breathing was still soft and even, but Gojyo had turned pretending to sleep into a fine art. They both were well aware of that fact, though they chose not to speak of it. He took a moment to reestablish the chi barrier containing the parasites within him before checking to see if Gojyo was truly awake.
"Gojyo?" he whispered, hating the raw sound of his voice.
"Hey," Gojyo replied quietly.
"Are you all right?" he asked, suddenly resenting the phrase's inability to convey any true meaning or the depth of his concern.
Gojyo grunted. "Been worse."
"Ah," Hakkai murmured. "I'm glad you're feeling better."
A warm hand fumbled through the darkness, found his shoulder, and squeezed it gently. "Thanks," Gojyo said quietly.
He nodded, realized Gojyo most likely couldn't see the movement, and reached up to wrap his fingers around Gojyo's wrist. Gojyo shifted his arm and, as Hakkai hastily let go again, caught his hand and tangled their fingers together. Resting their linked hands in the space between them, Gojyo sighed.
Letting his eyes fall closed eased the dizziness that kept threatening him, even lying down. He rested for a while, listening to the sound of Gojyo breathing, and tried to collect his thoughts.
"How... did you get free?" Hakkai asked, some time later.
Gojyo shrugged, the motion rippling down his arm to their hands. "The monkey. Turned up outta nowhere and broke whatever it was that was holdin' me. Carried me from one cave to another, I think... then dumped me here." And he sounded none-too-pleased about that. "Not like I had a choice. Took off again, sayin' he had to go find Sanzo."
"Ah," Hakkai said. "I see."
"But you know," Gojyo said, sounding both amused and uncertain. "I must have been really out of it, dreaming or hallucinating or some shit, because for a moment it seemed he didn't have his limiter on."
Hakkai blinked, completely nonplussed. "I suppose it might make sense," he said slowly. "Given what I had to do to free myself." A choice he'd prefer not to have been forced to make. A necessary evil.
Still, the thought of Goku without his limiter not attempting to kill Gojyo was positively mind-boggling. He'd have to think about it later, when they had the luxury of time for speculation.
Gojyo's fingers tightened for a moment, comforting and reassuring. "What did you do?" he asked softly.
Hakkai shook his head, biting back a reflexive "it doesn't matter." Gojyo waited, silent and patient. Huffing a sigh, he said, "Removed my limiters," in a tone that made it clear he did not want to discuss it any further. Something inside him was cold, despite the relentless heat of the cave.
"Ah."
Sitting up, he ran his fingers through hair matted with sweat and dust and adjusted the tattered remnants of his clothing. His arms were bare, most of his sleeves having been lost to the rock wall that hadn't wanted to let him go. His pants had fared a little better, at least, but still were rent and torn in several places. Gojyo's clothes, from the brief look he'd had earlier, were in no better shape. There wasn't enough left of his shirt to be worth wearing.
Beside him, Gojyo groaned faintly. His breathing became ragged and laboured.
Hakkai shifted to kneel beside him, swaying a little as he moved, and frowning in concern. Laying his hands over Gojyo's abdomen, he focused his chi and tried to continue the healing he'd begun. It was difficult work, given how extensive the damage was and how little energy he had to give away. Gojyo really needed to just spend a week in bed, recuperating.
But they had to find water, and Sanzo and Goku, and get out of here, somehow.
The parasites stirred, breaking his concentration and forcing him to rest a hand against his own abdomen to quiet them. Shifting his attention let the dizziness creep back in and he had to brace himself with one hand against the stone. Gojyo's hand reached out again, groping for him, and he tried not to flinch as the redhead's fingers curled around his left wrist. The rough, raised claw marks over his energy channel must have been noticeable, for Gojyo swore softly.
"I'm really sorry," he said.
"I don't blame you," Hakkai reassured him. "I am not angry with you, either."
"Yeah, well, maybe I'm angry with me," Gojyo muttered. "I shoulda --"
The sudden noise of something moving startled them both into silence.
"Gojyo? Hakkai?" a familiar voice called from the darkness. It was difficult to tell the direction from which it came. A soft, pale glow of watery green floated toward them.
"Goku?" Hakkai asked, incredulous. He blinked, trying to clear his vision, but the glow was still there, unlike the spots that danced against his eyelids.
"Hah! I found you guys!" Goku exclaimed, hurrying towards them. The glow emanated from a moss-covered rock clutched tightly in his hand. "Check it!" he said, beaming. "The rocks glow!"
"It's the moss, dumbass," Gojyo growled.
Hakkai almost laughed. Shifting sideways, he motioned for Goku to join them, and shot Gojyo a warning look when he made as if to sit up. With an annoyed grimace, Gojyo contented himself with rolling onto his side and propping his head on his fist. Sitting down beside Hakkai, Goku set the mossy rock in front of him.
"Is moss supposed to do that?" Goku asked, poking it with one finger.
Hakkai caught himself in the motion of reaching up to adjust non-existent glasses and turned it into an attempt to brush back his hair instead. He would not rub at the looming migraine tension in his scalp, either. "Well, there are certainly a number of species of both flora and fauna capable of producing bioluminesence... but I am not entirely certain that such moss would normally grow inside a volcanic mountain..." It was too difficult to think. He couldn't quite remember anything concrete.
Goku's stomach growled. "Can I eat it?"
Gojyo rolled his eyes.
"Well," Hakkai began, running a finger over the moss. "The bioluminescent mushrooms I've read about are poisonous. I really don't know what this might do to you..."
Goku blinked at him as he trailed off. "There's not much of it, anyway," he said, practical as always. "It helps to have light, though, right?"
Hakkai noddded and smiled. "Yes, it does indeed."
"And we won't have any if you eat it, stupid monkey," Gojyo growled.
Goku glared at him, but bit back whatever reply he was considering. "I found Sanzo," he declared impatiently. "He's outside, in the snow."
Glancing at Gojyo, Hakkai saw him mouth, "snow?" in disbelief. "Is he hurt?" he asked.
Goku scowled and punched the floor lightly. "I can't get close to him! There's some weird... sutra-like things in the way!"
"How do you mean?" Hakkai asked, frowning.
"They're like... bindings, except... I think they're made of elements. All twisting and tangling with each other so's you can't really count 'em, or figure out where they start and end." Goku's expression was bleak. "He's up on a little ledge, and I couldn't get up there... But I think there's something behind him, controlling the sutra things... element things... whatever they are."
"Shit," Gojyo muttered. "Trust the damn priest to go fucking with the elements."
"Trust a damn kappa's brain to shrivel up in this heat," Goku retorted.
"Stop," Hakkai snapped. It was difficult enough to think without them bickering like school children. They both blinked at him. He felt no need to apologize. "Now then, Goku. I think I need to have a look at these sutras. There is a way out of the caves, onto the mountain, yes? Would you take us there, please?"
"Sure," Goku said, nodding. "I know where I'm goin' now. You sure he can move, though?" he asked, nodding at Gojyo. "He looks like shit."
"You'll look worse when I get done with you," Gojyo muttered half-heartedly.
"Please..." Hakkai said, sounding more annoyed than conciliatory. "We will simply have to travel at a pace Gojyo can manage."
He had to stand with the help of the wall himself, but he could pass that off as stiffness, and uncertainty about his surroundings. He would be able to walk unaided, of course. Walking was only a matter of controlled falling: shifting one's centre of gravity and then moving one's base of support to align with it again. Something his body would not have forgotten how to do. With an effort, he tuned out the whitenoise of his overly-analytical thought processes on that particular subject.
Goku helped him get Gojyo to his feet before scooping up the rock and preparing to lead the way. Hakkai took one last look around, but there was nothing else to collect. It took him a moment to realize what he was looking for, and that bothered him as much as the absence.
"And where is Hakuryuu?" Hakkai murmured.
"Oh! He's outside, too," Goku declared. "Sorry, I meant to tell you before. He's been waiting for us."
"Ah," Hakkai said, smiling. "That is good to know. Let's go, then."
Nodding, Goku led the way into the tunnel.
~end ch.5~
He could deal with the world destroying itself if only it wasn't so damn cold all the time. The darkness of the non-space was empty and not at all as much a refuge as it should have been. His hands shook so badly that he couldn't hold a cigarette, and his teeth kept trying to chatter.
But reality was breaking, so it wasn't like it mattered.
Hakkai flickered into view finally, looking thin and pale and grim.
Gods help them all if Hakkai looked that grim. But the gods save no one.
"I cannot stay," he said by way of greeting.
Sanzo scowled.
"I wanted to tell you that Goku freed Gojyo, and I have found him."
Figured. That hadn't been quite what he'd meant when he'd tried to tell Goku to wake up. But Gojyo was probably the easiest to find.
A flicker of white appeared by Hakkai's knee, slowly taking on shape and form. Sanzo frowned at it, caught momentarily by the fear that the snow had somehow followed him. The shape solidified, shook itself a little, and revealed wings. Hakuryuu. He blew out a breath.
"You're free, too, then?"
"Yes," Hakkai replied shortly.
Which implied Hakkai-speak for "don't make me talk about it." Fine. Not like he cared what the youkai had done.
"I need to sleep," Hakkai said. "Gojyo was... very badly wounded."
Wasted all his energy healing the cockroach, then. Of course. He grunted a non-reply as Hakkai started to fade out.
The urge to scream don't go hit him so hard that he actually opened his mouth. But it was too late anyway. There was nothing to hold on to. Again.
Muichimotsu...
Non-attachment wasn't going to keep him alive. Not this time.
It took him a while to realize he wasn't entirely alone.
Hakuryuu had stayed, body curled up into a neat coil, long neck extended toward him. Watching him with eyes that were bright with intelligence. Not that he would ever consider the dragon merely a dumb animal, but this, this was something more than usual. His eyes spoke entire libraries full of knowledge and, for a moment, Sanzo almost expected him to speak.
Hakuryuu blinked. The moment passed. Tucking his head under one wing, the dragon made it plain that he, too, was going to sleep.
Sanzo found his hands steady enough for a cigarette, so he smoked, and waited.
~*~*~
It was too quiet. The world seemed... distracted. As if tearing itself apart, dissolving down to base elements, was no longer important. Like its attention was focused elsewhere, and so reality glued itself back together. More or less.
He smoked meditatively, eyes half-closed in non-thought. Too damn quiet. What the hell was taking so long? Surely the others weren't so busy...
A feral cry -- not a scream, but something far more... gleeful -- rippled across his mind.
Frowning, he reached out, searching for Goku... Hakkai...
... Gojyo?
"Unh, shit," the redhead muttered, sprawling into the non-space.
"What the fuck is going on?" Sanzo demanded.
Yawning and propping himself up into a sitting position, Gojyo hid a grimace behind a smirk. "Nice to see you, too. Glad to hear you still care so much."
Sanzo glared, refusing to believe he'd been rendered impo-- ineffective by the loss of his gun. "Talk," he snapped.
"Jeez," Gojyo muttered. "Alright, well... Goku came back and found us -- me 'n Hakkai, I mean -- and we moved to a cave that has a tunnel out to the outside of the mountain. And water, from the snow melting."
"So where are the other two?"
Gojyo found a cigarette between his fingers and considered it for a moment before answering. "Goku and Hakuryuu figured out where you are, and they took Hakkai to have a look."
He waited, but Gojyo didn't seem inclined to elaborate. "Ch. Where the fuck am I, then?"
"Huh? Oh, up on a ledge, Goku said, with some kinda binding on you."
"What kind?" he growled through clenched teeth.
Narrowing his eyes, Gojyo blew a stream of smoke at him. "That's what they're tryin' to figure out. Goku thinks it some kind of... elements... or sutra-like things tha--"
"Sutra-like things?" They'd all gone insane. And him without his gun.
But hadn't there been a rumour about one of the Founding Scriptures being here, on or in the mountain? Was that why they had come here? He couldn't remember anything more than vague impressions.
Gojyo shrugged, then winced and pressed a hand to his stomach. "Didn't make much sense to me, but you know, Goku's the only one who's been bound by 'em."
"Hn." A good point. Not that he was going to concede that. "Elemental sutras?"
"Hey, don't bitch at me about it! You asked, I'm just tellin' you what the monkey said."
He snorted and turned his attention to his own cigarette for a moment. Elements. He couldn't deal with elements. They were beyond his realm of experience, let alone expertise. But the idea that they might be sutras...
He tried to reach back towards his body without falling into it, tried to see what was going on, but only found the impossible tangle of crazed reality. No help there.
If the world was trying to dissolve back into the elemental chaos from which it was ordered... if the elements were somehow contained in sutras, or something like the concept of a sutra... Antitheses to the Founding Sutras. Sutras that -- if used, or maybe if destroyed -- would unleash the elements, free them from the binding that ordered the world....
His head ached. Goku screamed.
Goku....
"Idiots!" he snapped. "Call them back."
Gojyo frowned at him. "I'll try...."
~*~*~
It took entirely too long for Hakkai to turn up after Gojyo had faded out.
"Sanzo," he said, and waited. Not a question, not quite a greeting. Waiting to see if he'd lost his mind?
Idiot.
"How many elements?" he asked, and was inordinately pleased to see the flicker of surprise that crossed Hakkai's features.
"Three," Hakkai replied, "As far as I can tell, anyway. How... what did Gojyo tell you?"
"Enough to prove you're all idiots," Sanzo muttered. "You honestly think they're sutras?"
Hakkai frowned. "I don't know," he said slowly. Reaching up, he adjusted the glasses he hadn't been wearing a moment earlier. Shaggy brown hair brushed his shoulders as he stared thoughtfully into the middle distance. "It is too difficult to perceive anything without first imposing an interpretation upon them," he said, his voice taking on a lecturing tone. "That Goku perceives them as sutras seems to cause them to manifest as they are interpreted." He paused, smiling a little, and gestured with a hand that momentarily held a cigarette. "Of course, there is still the issue of them seeming to have, or be composed of, elemental chi, which is not explained by perception."
Tenpou? What the hell was he doing here?
The thought was a minor irritation, easily brushed aside. Hakkai's inconsistent self-image was not the issue at hand.
"Wood, fire, water..." Sanzo muttered. He'd been thinking about it, while he waited. Thinking too hard just led him into the spiral of world-breaking, but out on the fringes, he was aware of the individual strands now.
Hakkai nodded. "Yes, those would be my guesses, based on the... effects they give off when they cross over each other."
"Earth," Sanzo said, without explanation, and waited for Hakkai to figure it out.
"Goku..." Hakkai said slowly. "Born from a mountain. But why is he still free? Why is he not..." he paused, frowning, "...bound." His eyes, naked in more ways than the obvious, locked onto Sanzo's.
"It may try to turn him against us," Sanzo said. His turn to be grim. "If he belongs to the mountain..."
Hakkai shivered almost imperceptibly and his eyes fell closed for a moment. When they opened again, they were flat and shuttered. "He removed his limiter," he said quietly. "Trying to defeat whatever it is that is sourcing and activating the... sutras." Something that was not at all a smile twisted the corner of his lips. "Trying to free you."
His eyes widened ever so slightly and Hakkai noticed, of course. Damn him. Damn them all for idiots and... and...
"Stop him," he ordered.
Hakkai nodded once, frowning as he faded out of view.
Goku!
~*~*~
Goku!
Familiar voice, golden. Cutting through the haze of rage. He stilled, blinking fiercely at its light, shining from a dark corner of his mind like sunlight breaking through the clouds. His feet slid through the snow. He howled into the wind that wouldn't stop.
"Goku...!"
Another voice. A different kind of light. Light used to fight and defend. To cause pain or heal it. He struggled to remember the most important part: light that fought beside him, not against him. Hakkai
The wind was laughing at him. The mountain hummed beneath his feet, calling, whispering, cajoling, in no language he knew. It spoke to his bones, his blood, to the Self so long caged and glorying in its freedom.
Golden light called again, sharp and bright, cutting through the low, rocky roll and mutter of the earth. Hungry for the light. Hungry for freedom. Can't have both.
He remembered words: ...choose... your full strength... not lose yourself in it...
His choice. Him. Not a plaything for the mountain. Not a slave (servant) to anyone.
Reaching for calm, containing the fury. Flung himself back down the mountain to where Hakkai stood, still and silent. Hakkai had his limiter, held it out to him. Not forcing. Not asking. Offering. His choice. His strength to use, to control. No need to destroy. No need to lose self. Only shifting, changing form. Limiting, yes, but better less than alone.
Snarling, he reached out with one clawed hand, not caring if he drew blood as he snatched it back and put it on. Himself.
And collapsed, screaming, into the snow, falling toward the golden light that called him.
~*~*~
"Goku?"
Sanzo shouldn't sound... unsure. And worried. It wasn't right. Uncurling a little, Goku blinked up at him. "Yes?" he whispered. His head was still screaming, but it only came out as a little whimper.
For a heartbeat, he thought Sanzo was going to reach out, stroke his hair, do something to ease the skull-breaking ache in his head. Then the moment passed, and Sanzo dropped his hand in his lap. Goku's eyes teared, not that he could tell which pain was greater, and he closed his eyes and ducked his head again.
"Goku, do you recognize this mountain?"
Reluctantly he twisted and tried to look at Sanzo.
"Do you think it might be the same mountain?"
Frowning, he wet his lips and tried to find his voice. "It wasn't... wasn't so hot... there..." he said haltingly.
A cool hand finally smoothed over his hair but didn't linger. "Not the one where you were imprisoned. The mountain that gave birth to you."
The world spun out from under him and he could feel a primal scream clawing at the back of his throat. He fought it down to a whimper, curling his hand into a fist and resting it against his forehead. No, he wanted to protest. "I don't know," he whispered instead, but something said yes! and something said maybe and the mountain wouldn't stop talking to him.
"If it is..." Sanzo paused and almost cleared his throat. His appearance shimmered and shifted, and long blond hair spilled over his shoulder as he continued more evenly. "If it is the same mountain, it may be trying to... call you back. To turn you to its purpose, whatever that may be. But if it sees you as belonging to it... as a tool... or a weapon... and is trying to reclaim control over you..."
No! he wanted to scream, but nothing came out. No. Can't turn against you. Can't fight for it. ... Can't be anything but what I am. He desperately wanted his guardian to reach out, to comfort and reassure him, to give him direction, but something shifted again and Sanzo folded his arms across his chest, holding himself tightly.
"Remember what my master told me... what I taught you..." Sanzo began, and Goku's ears ached. If he could close them. If he could not hear what he knew Sanzo was going to say...
"'If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Free of all things, bound by nothing... live your life just as it is...'"
The words shuddered over him, drove down like nails through him, and the feral power in him howled and raged against the band of the limiter. He screamed, and the mountain reverberated with the sound, but it did not reach the non-space. Did not shatter the air between them.
...can't choose. don't make me choose... kill your mother... no... bound by nothing... no... nononono...
Throwing himself to his feet, he ran.
~*~*~
Goku rose to his hands and knees, growling, and Hakkai backed up reflexively. Golden eyes swept over him without seeing him, and then there was only a limiter falling, gold against white. Hakkai stumbled forward, trying to catch it, but the snow made him slow and clumsy, and it eluded his numb fingers. Helplessly, he watched the limiter tumble off the ledge.
Goku was gone.
Something in him felt cold at the thought, but he would not flinch away from it. This mountain was old, and more powerful than anything they had faced. Even the strength of a War Prince paled in comparison to a force of nature. And if the mountain wanted Goku... and if Sanzo -- his guardian -- had already... surrendered his claim on him...
"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu cried softly, flying in front of him, and he blinked at the strange apparition of white dragon against white snow. Turning away from the ledge and the fall beyond, he stumbled back to the tunnel. Hakuryuu followed him silently. Hakkai collapsed into the cave beside Gojyo.
"He's gone," he murmured, closing his eyes and reaching for Sanzo.
~*~*~
When Hakkai reached the subjective space, Sanzo didn't acknowledge his presence. Sitting down crosslegged a short but safe distance away, he waited. A steady string of what seemed to be random obscenities issued from Sanzo in an undertone. He frowned when the sussurrus became an exclamation of, "Goddamn son of a bitch! What the hell did you think you were doing!?"
"Sanzo?" he said quietly, into the dead air that followed.
"What had to be done. What else could I do?"
A strangled, choking sound escaped Sanzo and Hakkai reached out reflexively. Sanzo buried his hands in his hair -- spilling golden and too long for a moment -- and curled forward. Hakkai let his hand fall back to his lap, his chest aching with a weight of centuries it seemed.
There were tears streaking Sanzo's face.
Sanzo did not cry. No more so than he himself did.
"What else could I do?" he whispered, turning a grief-stricken look upon Hakkai.
Konzen some part of his mind whispered, and as much as he remembered Sanzo's denial of the name when Homura had used it, he knew that was who sat before him now.
The urge to gather the blond man in his embrace and offer what comfort he could was so strong that he leaned forward, reaching again. But Konzen turned away, desperately trying to hide the ragged sobs escaping him, and his appearance shifted again as Sanzo's self-image was reasserted.
"Fucking asshole!" Sanzo snarled. "I don't cry! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
Hakkai blinked, and Sanzo was gone. In that tiny instant, he had removed himself completely from the subjective reality, leaving Hakkai alone to fight for his own composure.
~end ch.6~
The echoes of soul-breaking screams still rang in his ears and the answering ache in his heart wouldn't go away. Hakkai knew what it meant, what Sanzo must have done, must have said.
If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha.
If you meet your ancestor, kill your ancestor.
Free of everything, you are bound by nothing.
Live the life that is given to you.
...
Hold on to nothing....
It is what Sanzo was taught, the only thing he had taught them. An impossible choice. The only possible choice. To hold on to nothing, to let go of even the one thing that might be all you had to believe in... the one thing that might be able to save you....
Have nothing, hold nothing, be nothing.
Tears dampened the corners of his eyes, and he rubbed them away angrily.
Logically, rationally, (did either have a place in Buddhism?) Hakkai knew that in order for them all to be able to move forward from this point, to go on trusting Goku, Goku had to be allowed to make this choice himself. Had to decide his own truth. Had to be free to decide if the freedom of his true nature was what he desired.
But to force him to make that choice... No. Sanzo had not forced. Sanzo had merely offered the only teaching he would ever offer. How Goku chose to react was Goku's decision.
Live your life just as it is.
He wished he could be angry with Sanzo for it, but as he'd said, there was no other choice. And the thought of Sanzo, curled around his pain, crying, made his heart ache with a pain that was all too close to memory. Sanzo loved Goku, in his own way, they all knew that, just as Hakkai knew that Sanzo would never love him. Because Sanzo did not love, did not form attachment. He had no right to expect it, no right to even hope. No right, no reason, to be so upset that he could not even comfort Sanzo.
Selfish, self-centered. Holding on to his own self-importance. There were some wounds he could never touch, let alone heal.
His abdomen ached with that deep, old pain, overlaid with the sharper new pain of the restless parasites he still struggled to contain. Rerouting his own chi from its natural channels for so long was not healthy, but what else could he do? He still didn't have the energy or focus to attempt to destroy them. Although perhaps it was the disruption of his chi that was impeding his concentration, making his strength slow to return.
Sighing, he curled one hand into a fist and thumped it lightly against the floor. The combined pain in his abdomen was almost enough to block out the constant hunger that snow melt did nothing to ease. How long had they been here? There was no way to measure the passing of time, even now that it had become relatively linear again. His eyes were sore from the strain of uncorrected vision. And there was a darkness -- nameless, faceless, tired, (dead) -- that kept calling him.
He just wanted to sleep.
~*~*~
Gojyo's heart had nearly stopped when Goku had come running back down the mountain and Hakkai, Hakkai had just stood there, holding out the damn limiter. Waiting like he was ready to embrace the death that Goku would be all too happy to give him. Gojyo had pushed himself to his feet, stumbled to the mouth of the tunnel, and drew on every last ounce of discipline he had (and some he hadn't known he had) to keep himself there. Because he'd been told to wait.
But Goku... Goku had grabbed the limiter and put it on, himself.
It hadn't seemed like much time had passed before Goku had lurched to his feet again and flung the limiter away from him, but something had happened in the small space between. Even a deaf man could have heard him scream. It wasn't a sound; it was something felt in the bones, in the soul.
Then he was gone, and Hakkai had stumbled back into the cave to state the obvious and go looking for Sanzo. Of course. Gojyo kept watch, because someone needed to, and it was all he seemed to be good for at the moment. He'd waited for Hakkai to come back and explain what the fuck had happened, but Hakkai fell asleep instead, leaving Gojyo alone with his thoughts and a desperate need for a smoke.
He tried reaching for Sanzo himself, but only found an empty darkness where he'd encountered the monk -- or at least his mind -- before. Which just figured. Of course Sanzo would demand answers and then not stick around to explain himself. Bastard. But what could he have possibly said to make Goku go off like that?
... He couldn't be dead. If he was dead, Hakkai wouldn't be sleeping. Unless Hakkai was...
He checked hastily for a pulse, felt the slight stirring of breath, and sighed in relief. Damn mountain was making him paranoid. Hakkai wouldn't die so easily, and it wasn't like he wouldn't know....
Brushing the hair back from Hakkai's forehead, he traced a frown line and sighed again. He looked so worn out. That wasn't really surprising, given the way he was trying to take care of everything, and everyone. Trying to do it all himself, so no one else got hurt... (just like he always used to... always worrying about protecting his men and never realizing how we worry about losing him)....
Gojyo gave his head a little shake, which didn't quite dispel the vague dizziness. The constant nag of hunger was making it hard to concentrate. He had to stay focused in case Goku came back, or the mountain sent something else after them.
He couldn't decide which would be worse.
~*~*~
Hakkai stirred, blinking open his eyes reluctantly. Pushing himself upright, he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Resting his forehead against his knees, he tried to control the shivers that had nothing -- or at least very little -- to do with the temperature.
"Kyuuu..." Hakuryuu said, sounding tired and mournful.
Reaching out one hand, he caressed the dragon's head gently.
"Hey," Gojyo said. "He still looks well fed. What do you think he's been eating?"
Hakuryuu's gaze focused on Gojyo. "Kyu," he said, sounding impatient.
"Mice, rabbits, that sort of thing, I suppose," Hakkai said slowly. "Clever Hakuryuu," he murmured. "Could you find something for us to eat?"
The dragon shook out his wings, bobbed his head once and launched himself out of the cave.
"Huh," Gojyo said. "Guess we should have asked sooner."
"Hmm," Hakkai replied absently. He couldn't seem to get himself quite awake. Or perhaps he was just avoiding the inevitable because he was tired of thinking.
"What happened with Sanzo... and Goku?" Gojyo asked quietly, when he'd let the silence go on too long.
Sighing, he straightened out his legs and folded his arms over his stomach instead. The parasites stirred and he took a moment to strengthen the chi barrier containing them before answering Gojyo. "The sutras," Hakkai said slowly.
"Are they?" Gojyo interrupted.
Tilting his head to one side, Hakkai shrugged. "It is a useful paradigm from which to approach understanding them. It is mostly a... concept to represent how the energy is behaving."
"Hn. Okay... so if they're sutras, the monk can figure out how to deal with them, right?"
He kept his gaze fixed on the opposite wall. "I don't know how... but perhaps. The problem is, they also seem to be composed of elements -- wood, fire, and water, specifically."
Gojyo was silent for a moment. Hakkai closed his eyes, saw only Sanzo's grief-stricken features and opened them again.
"So... there's like, five elements, right?" Gojyo said, sounding thoughtful. "And the missing ones are... ah, earth... and metal... Guess earth would be the important one right now, eh? Or the monkey born from the earth?"
Hakkai nodded, letting his head rest against the wall as he turned to meet Gojyo's worried gaze.
"And Sanzo thinks letting the idiot monkey run around without his limiter is a good idea? Shit."
Hakkai blinked at him, aware of a strange little smile twisting his lips, but unwilling to stop it. "Goku... must be allowed to choose whether he will fight for himself... or for his mother... the earth."
"You've got to be shittin' me. This mountain?"
Shrugging, he let his gaze fall back to the floor. "It makes as much sense as anything."
"Damn little," Gojyo muttered. He was silent for a long moment before asking, "And what if the mountain tries to turn him into a sutra?"
Hakkai frowned. "What do you mean? How so?"
"Well, if they're made of elements, or something... how'd they get made? What kind of power would it take to bind the elements?"
"Something older than the divided elements," Hakkai said slowly. "And why those three elements in particular, when it is the three of us who have been bound here by the mountain?"
"Can't be coincidence," said the half-kappa, to the youkai whose true form was marked with vines. And if Sanzo's nature was (sun) fire...
"Hmm... perhaps... it is drawing energy from each of us to create them."
"But we escaped, right? Well, I mean..." Gojyo rolled his shoulders in an uneasy shrug. "We got free, at least."
"Time is not linear here," Hakkai observed. "Perhaps as long as there is a possibility that it could destroy us, it can draw on that... bend reality to create such things..."
"Ow, my head," Gojyo muttered. Taking a deep breath, he said, "So... it's not using earth against Sanzo because it hasn't made a possibility of binding and destroying Goku yet?"
"Perhaps. Or perhaps it has other plans entirely for him...."
Gojyo grunted. "Or maybe since Sanzo refuses to believe that Goku could be used against him like that, his stubborn reality is cancelling out whatever the mountain's tryin' to create."
Hakkai laughed a little at that. "It would make a certain kind of sense. Sanzo's will is a rather formidable force." He was silent for a moment, re-tracing the steps of the argument and waiting for his still sluggish brain to come to the necessary conclusion. "It seems, then," he said, finally, "that it is using us -- or at least the part of our chi that it sees as elemental -- against Sanzo. Using him against himself as well."
"Hn. Do we need to worry about metal, too, then?" Gojyo asked, sounding concerned. "I guess that would be Hakuryuu, eh? Since he can turn into a Jeep and all..."
Hakkai sighed and leaned back against the wall. "For now it seems to be ignoring him, so I suppose we do not need to worry too much."
"Tch. It's ignoring us now, too, so I guess Goku is all that matters at the moment," Gojyo pointed out. "And Sanzo," he added.
Of course, he wanted to say. It's always all about Sanzo and Goku. But he bit back the words and the strange bitterness and sorrow that accompanied them.
Gojyo sighed. "Not like there's anything we can do about it. If the damn monk thinks the stupid monkey's strong enough to face this alone...."
He had no answer for that. No way of knowing. Only fear and uncertainty and...
All is illusion.
He almost laughed. This illusion of earth could kill them, regardless of whether Goku chose to fight it.
"We need to get out of these caves before he pulls the mountain down around us," Gojyo said.
"We may get caught in an avalanche," Hakkai pointed out. Goyjo merely shrugged. It was rather pointless to debate choosing between potential deaths after all. Either option might still be preferable to freezing to death or dying of starvation. "Which way do we go then? Up or down?"
Sanzo was at the top of the mountain. Goku might be waiting at its base.
"Well... Sanzo's still up there..." Gojyo said, frowning.
He turned away, fighting to contain one emotion too many. "Fuck him!" he snarled. "He can damn well take care of himself." In the stunned silence that followed, he took a deep breath and reached for the remnants of his usual self. "Now that that's out of the way," he said softly, trying to pretend it had been a passing frustration.
"Now you're scaring me," Gojyo replied. "You sound like him...."
Habit made him want to apologize, but instead he said bitterly, "He is a good teacher."
And somewhere, lost perhaps in his own darkness, Sanzo's only true student was deciding the fate of the world.
"Might as well wait 'til Hakuryuu comes back, anyway," Gojyo said finally. "No point in freezing our asses off before we have to."
Silence then -- wind howling, water hissing -- uncomfortable and uncertain.
"Do you think he was right?" Gojyo asked quietly. With a faint grimace, he stretched out along the floor of the cave.
"Yes," he said, not hesitating, because he knew it was the only way, the only choice on the path Sanzo had chosen. Had come to the realization himself, earlier, but still had held to the hope that they might find another way.
Hold on to nothing.
The unwanted, unbidden thought made his chest ache and his breath catch in his throat. Lying down beside Gojyo, he folded his arms across his abdomen, and tucked his chin down so his weary gaze fell on Gojyo's chest rather than his face.
"Hn. I still think that non-attachment stuff is bullshit. Like he does such a good job of it himself."
Hakkai laughed softly, darkly. "Oh, he is quite aware that he is at times a great hypocrite. But... do not think this was easy for him."
Gojyo grunted a reply that said he was tired of thinking about it.
"I confess to being a hypocrite myself when it comes to non-attachment," Hakkai said, with a fragile smile. "I know all too well that attachment can only bring pain, and yet... I seem incapable of transcending, or at least not being bound by, desire..." A dangerous thing to say, perhaps, but there was so little left to lose at this point.
A warm arm encircled his shoulder loosely. A friend's embrace, he reminded himself sternly, stubbornly. The kind they'd shared many times, but it had never... hurt... like this before. He wanted... (crawl into his embrace, take the comfort he needed) desperately wanted... No. He would not force Gojyo into anything, and Gojyo had made his preferences quite clear. For years now.
And besides, if he was being honest...
"While I am playing at confessional, I might as well speak it all and make a clean start of things," he said, with a shadow of his usual light laugh. He could not bring himself to meet Gojyo's crimson gaze, even in the dim light. "It... this... would not be so difficult, had I not gone and fallen half-way in love with him."
There, he'd said it. Not that it mattered. They might all die here soon.
Gojyo's hand, which had been making small, soothing circles on his back, stopped. A shift in Gojyo's chi, the sudden tension in his body, made Hakkai realize his words had been cruel.
He did not want to apologize. Could not take them back.
"Idiot," Gojyo said gently. "You know better than that." His hand moved again, tentatively.
Hakkai drew a breath that was halfway sob, halfway gasp. "I know," he muttered. "But as I have been proven incapable of resisting or changing such feelings, perhaps the best I can do is acknowledge them."
There was a pause that gave him too much time to consider how unfair he was being. Weren't they both more unfair to him, though? Denying the possibility of comfort, each for their own reasons?
"I'm not the one you should be telling," Gojyo said finally.
There were tears in his eyes, but he didn't cry. He never cried. Dashing them away, he tried to laugh. "I know," he said. "But what good would it do?" He winced at the bitterness in his own voice and sighed. "I am sorry."
"Nah, it's okay," Gojyo murmured. "Bastard does that to all of us, y'know?"
He nodded. He knew.
"You should try to sleep," Gojyo said, as Hakkai tried to hide a yawn. Gojyo's way of gently, but firmly, changing the topic. "I'll keep watch."
He nodded again, rolled over onto his other side and curled tightly around his pain. Sleep, driven by exhaustion, claimed him quickly.
~*~*~
When Hakkai awoke, he convinced Gojyo to sleep a while before they attempted to leave the cave. The wind had risen, and snow gusted down the tunnel. It was impossible to tell if the temperature within the mountain was actually rising, but the earth was not moving. Not yet.
Staring out into the dim cave, he kept an almost pointless watch for things he knew would not appear. He and Gojyo were not important enough, at this point, for anything to bother attacking them. The darkness stared back, silent and mocking. Lacking any other focus, his agile mind filled the silence with remembered words.
He'd said too much, given in too easily to the dark bitterness that lurked in the corners of his heart, but really, what else should he expect of himself when he had been playing such a dangerous game, releasing the demon within him? If he had ever been near to becoming an enlightened soul, it was not this time, not this life. His was a path of atonement for the darkness he chose.
Hold on to nothing...
He could make it up to Gojyo, somehow. They would always be friends, and that was so much more than he had any right to expect, more than he deserved.
And yet...
Something flickered white in the corner of his blurred vision and he turned his head to search the cave, expecting to find snow drifting down the tunnel.
It was Hakuryuu. The dragon hovered a little distance in front of him, exclaiming, "Kyuu~uu!" triumphantly as he dropped three small, furry forms.
Hunger suddenly overrode any reservations he might ever have had about eating raw meat. "Thank you!" he said to Hakuryuu as he woke Gojyo. The dragon settled by his knee, looking distinctly pleased with himself. "Hakuryuu has brought food," he told Gojyo, by way of explanation for the abrupt awakening.
Gojyo sat up, picked up one of the offerings and held it up by the tail. "Voles. Yum," he muttered. "Still warm, too."
Hakkai laughed, and they shared a look of horrified amusement at their own desperation before making short work of what they could eat.
The earth trembled, the faintest of vibrations in the rocky floor as they finished their poor meal. They might have waited too long, holding on to hope.
Hold on to nothing...
"Let's go," he said softly, though it was not usually his place to say so, and Gojyo nodded.
~end ch.7~
They went up the mountain, of course, because leaving Sanzo behind was not truly an option.
Pale morning sunlight bathed the mountain but added no warmth. The wind died down, and the snow wasn't particularly deep, but even so it was almost exquisite torture to their exhausted and vulnerable bodies. The shredded remains of their clothing did nothing to shield them from the cold. Hakuryuu flew ahead of them, leading them to the small ledge on which Sanzo lay.
The approach to the ledge was an almost sheer cliff face. It jutted out some twenty feet above them, casting a shadow over the mountain below. Besides the difficult climb up to the ledge, and the faint vibrations of the mountain groaning, there was still some kind of barrier around it; an unseen force that kept them from reaching Sanzo. Approaching it made the hair rise on their arms and the backs of their necks, and seemed to accelerate the sparking, dancing path of the elemental sutras within. There just wasn't anything they could do, physically, to reach him.
A tiny crevice in the shadowed rockface below the ledge offered the only shelter. The hollow was barely big enough for them both to wedge into, but beyond a short narrow tunnel, it opened into another larger chamber. They collapsed in the crevice wearily.
"Guess this is as close as we can get," Gojyo said, sighing.
Hakkai blinked and nodded slowly. "I should try to find him," he said, huddling against the warmer, inner wall of the cave. It was a struggle to stay awake and focused anyway. The non-space might at least provide some respite from his body's poor condition, allow him to concentrate. Closing his eyes, he leaned unconsciously toward Gojyo's warmth as he tried to shift his focus and leave his body behind.
~*~*~
Sanzo was waiting for him, both hands clutched tight around something that looked for all the world like a rolled sutra. With shaking hands, he offered it to Hakkai silently.
Hakkai took it carefully, feeling a warmth in the sutra that had nothing to do with how tightly Sanzo had been gripping it.
Wetting his lips, Sanzo said, "Was afraid I'd drop it. Been holding onto it all night." His voice sounded hoarse and raw, and thin.
Holding the sutra close to his chest, Hakkai studied Sanzo worriedly. A dozen half-formed questions flitted through his tired mind, but he found he could not vocalize any of them. How did you...? What do I...? How are you...?
Sanzo's tired violet eyes said, I have no answers. Do what you will.
Biting back his incoherency, he nodded once and reached for his body.
~*~*~
Glancing sideways, Gojyo saw Hakkai close his hands around something he couldn't see. Something that wasn't there.
"What the fuck?" he muttered, curious.
A familiar pale glow formed around Hakkai's hands, golden-green, but somehow both brighter and softer than the chi balls he normally used in battle. More like the energy he used when healing, but different from that, too. Not that Gojyo could explain how, even to himself.
The glow brightened, spreading slowly over Hakkai's chest as his hands opened, until his palms lay flat over his chest and he sighed slightly. The sound of Hakkai's breathing, deep and regular, filled the small cavern. Gojyo found himself breathing in time with him, tension melting out of his body.
"That's better," Hakkai murmured. He opened his eyes for a moment, and there was that familiar smile -- the real smile, not one of his usual slightly self-mocking ones.
"Ahh," Gojyo replied, smiling helplessly back at him. "What was that?"
Hakkai's eyes darkened with some emotion Gojyo didn't recognize. "The wood sutra. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must attend to Sanzo. It really would not do for him to freeze to death at this point."
"But you can't--" Gojyo began.
Too late. Hakkai's eyes slid closed, his expression becoming deadly serious.
Hakuryuu curled up against Hakkai's knee. "Kyuu..." he said softly.
"Tch," Gojyo muttered. He really, really desperately needed a smoke.
~*~*~
It was so fucking cold. He'd never thought he'd ever be beyond the point of being able to bitch about anything, but it was so damn cold that his tongue barely worked and his mind was freezing. He didn't even have the energy to be pissed off about not being able to demand that Hakkai warm him up, in whatever way seemed most expedient.
Not that he had the energy for that, either, but he was fairly certain Hakkai would. Especially if he'd figured out what to do with the sutra.
"Sanzo," Hakkai said quietly, sitting cross-legged beside him.
Sitting. Beside him. Tch. At least he'd had the courtesy to return.
"Freezing," he muttered, or growled, or something. He had to keep his teeth clenched or they'd chatter hard enough to chip.
Hakkai didn't reply. Not aloud, anyway. Reaching out, he laid one hand over Sanzo's heart and the other over his solar plexus.
The feeling of chi pouring into him jolted his body, kickstarting vital functions that had been fading towards hibernation. Warmth flooded through him, golden-green and not as alien one might think. Hakkai had healed him a few too many times for his chi to be anything other than familiar.
He basked in the warmth, soaking it in like sunshine. Real sunshine, not that pale, watery imitation that came spilling over the mountain. When the world wasn't breaking and the sun exploding, that was.
When the flow of chi trickled to a stop, he blinked his eyes open and grunted, "That'll help." And then he folded his hands together over his chest and began chanting again.
~*~*~
Removing his hands from Sanzo's chest, Hakkai swayed slightly. He hadn't expected Sanzo to attempt to... control the next sutra so soon, but he supposed it was actually reasonable to do so while he had the energy.
Lying down beside him, Hakkai let his eyes fall shut and composed himself to wait. He needed to regenerate his own chi, anyway, if he was going to keep Sanzo alive. He didn't quite sleep, couldn't really, while waiting for Sanzo to... bind... conquer... whatever it was... the next sutra. But the sound of Sanzo's almost sub-vocal chanting was soothing.
Time passed. He started to become worried. Surely it shouldn't take so long?
A sound like a thunderclap reverberated through the air. Sanzo gasped, rolling onto his side with both hands clenched tight around a sutra. It was still squirming. Ripples of paper-not-paper attempted to spill out from between Sanzo's fingers. Opening his eyes, he pushed it toward Hakkai.
Two hands for this one, his eyes said.
Hakkai nodded and wrapped his hands around the pale blue sutra carefully, making sure he had a firm grip on it before Sanzo released it. This would be water, then, he knew. It felt like Gojyo, in some inexplicable, illogical way.
~*~*~
"Here," Hakkai said quietly, startling Gojyo. He'd been focused on watching the light show from the barrier, visible through the mouth of the cave.
"Eh?" he replied, blinking down at Hakkai's hands. They pressed against his chest, impossibly warm and... wet? That couldn't be right. And they were curled around an invisible Thing again. Not the same Thing, though, he could tell that much.
"Just relax," Hakkai murmured.
He wasn't about to argue with Hakkai, not about something he didn't really get anyway, so he just nodded and leaned back against the wall. Instinct made him bring his hands up to cover Hakkai's, and damned if he couldn't feel something there. He closed his eyes, more than a little weirded out by the pale blue glow spreading over his chest, but trusting Hakkai completely.
Besides, it was nice to be warm again, even if only for a little while, and if that was because of some Thing he couldn't see, well. Stranger things had happened. He accepted it, sighed happily, and grinned a little.
Yeah. That was it. That was making him feel like himself again.
Hakkai's hands slid out from beneath his, but before he could get his tongue and his brain to work together, he knew Hakkai had slipped sideways into the non-space again.
Off to help Sanzo.
It really was unfair and probably stupid of him to be frustrated about it, especially when the warmth and energy was giving him a hard-on that Hakkai probably wouldn't want to help him with even if they weren't stuck in such a ridiculous situation. Then again, maybe he wouldn't be so against it, given his recent confession about "desire."
Whatever it took to get them out of here and into a comfortable inn again as soon as possible... Maybe then....
Ah, but who was he kidding? Especially after Hakkai had come out and said how he felt about Sanzo. Those two were obviously a better match for each other. Still, maybe it wouldn't hurt to try and have a talk with Hakkai. After all, there was always the monkey in the way, and all those nights that Sanzo was too broody to stand anyone's company.
If they got out of this alive, maybe....
~*~*~
"Sanzo," Hakkai said softly, worriedly, when he returned.
Sanzo dragged his eyes open, shuddering. Sitting beside him, Hakkai brushed sweat-damp hair off his forehead before stopping to consider his action. He was more concerned by the fact that he got away with it than by any of the more obvious symptoms of Sanzo's health. Even Sanzo's glare was muted.
"You need to sleep... regain your strength..." he said, frowning.
"Freeze to death," Sanzo grunted. "Goku... have to find him...."
Pressing his lips together in a thin line, Hakkai laid his hands on Sanzo's chest. He really didn't have the strength left to be doing this again so soon, but there was no way he was going to simply allow Sanzo to freeze to death. Not when there was even the slightest chance he could prevent it. Of course, it wasn't just the cold, either. There were wounds he could barely sense; at least one broken bone, possibly a rib, but Sanzo's chi was too thin and the patterns too unstable for him to be certain of anything.
"Freezing... burning... fire... nothing left to counter it...."
Of course. The other elements, and specifically water, would have kept the effects in balance, prevented extremes of any one elemental reaction. Now there was only the fire sutra and the mountain itself. He could hear the groaning of the earth even here, now.
Closing his eyes, Hakkai reached deep within himself to reserves he preferred not to draw on, and focused on passing the chi on to Sanzo. It was far more difficult than it should have been, but he truly had so little to give, and his body kept trying to undermine him, override his actions and preserve itself instead.
Slowly, Sanzo's shivering subsided. His breathing became more even and some of the tension went out of his shoulders. Shifting his hands to clasp them together over his chest again, he bumped Hakkai's arms and broke his concentration.
"You need... to rest," Hakkai said, somewhat raggedly. He desperately needed to himself, but not while Sanzo's state was still somewhat precarious.
Sanzo shook his head slightly. "Have to... deal with it. Can't wait any longer."
The very thought of trying to give Sanzo any more of his chi made him sick and dizzy. He had nothing left....
Closing his eyes, Sanzo began chanting, whisper-quiet and broken by ragged gasps.
Staring down at Sanzo, Hakkai felt a grim smile slide over his features. That wasn't quite true. He needed to be stronger, somehow, and there was one way to do that. Just because he'd never tried it before was no excuse not to now. It still wasn't an easy choice, but he could see no other option.
Reaching up to his left ear, he rested his fingers there for a moment before closing his eyes and curling his fingers tight over his ear cuffs. In one smooth motion, he pulled all three off and set them carefully aside.
The change shivered over him with only a shadow of the violence that he'd felt before. He had to be careful of his claws as he moved, shifting them both so that Sanzo's head lay in his lap. Laying one hand over Sanzo's heart, he placed the other one parallel to it on the right side of his chest. Reaching outside himself this time, he tapped into the almost limitless energy of youki, channelling it through himself, transforming it into chi Sanzo could use before passing it on to him.
He could do this almost indefinitely, he realized. He could give Sanzo more than enough chi to both keep him alive and accomplish his goal. The thought was both comforting and frightening. He refused to think "what if...."
Sanzo's voice grew stronger, and when his body convulsed, Hakkai could tell it was because of his battle with the sutra rather than simply because of the cold. He focused on keeping the flow of chi steady and gentle, smooth and constant.
With a wordless cry, Sanzo pitched forward suddenly, rolling to one side. Startled, Hakkai grasped his shoulders and stretched him out on his back again, hastily checking his life signs.
Sanzo's heart had stopped.
A strange panicked calm came over Hakkai and he laid both hands over Sanzo's heart, forcing it to beat again, willing life and chi back into him. They had not come this far for him to lose him now. Not now.
Sanzo's form remained limp and still for far too long until he coughed, shivered, and muttered, "I fell down?"
Hakkai's heart started beating again.
~*~*~
Since he was sitting on Hakkai's right side, Gojyo didn't actually see him remove his limiters. He was staring out at the mountain anyway, watching the flickering light show of the barrier surrounding Sanzo and thinking maybe he'd best get out there in case something happened.
He did, however, feel the change, both in the youki in the small rock crevice, and in Hakkai himself. Edging towards the mouth of the crevice, he watched somewhat nervously as Hakkai settled himself more comfortably, as if taking off his limiters while his mind was elsewhere was something he did every day.
Hakuryuu cooed softly, studying Hakkai with curious, slightly worried eyes. He didn't seem much afraid of Hakkai's youkai form, even though he'd never seen it before, as far as Gojyo knew. Hakkai had always made a point of sending Hakuryuu somewhere safe, out of reach, when he'd done this before. Still, the dragon didn't protest when Gojyo scooped him up in one arm and moved him closer to the outside as well.
It wasn't that he didn't trust Hakkai, he insisted to himself as he crept out into the snow. It was that he was worried about Sanzo, and he really ought to... get ready. In case something happened. Because if Hakkai was pulling his limiters off, sure as shit something was going to happen.
And it did.
The barrier around Sanzo flickered madly like a thirty-second fireworks display before simply vanishing. A sudden movement on the ledge suddenly became Sanzo falling off the ledge, and Gojyo dashed forward, cringing at the sickening crunch and snap of several bones breaking as Sanzo landed awkwardly. He rushed to stop Sanzo before he fell any further down the mountain.
"Dammit, monk," he growled through clenched teeth as he carefully gathered Sanzo in his arms. "You're supposed to lose weight when you're starvin' to death." There was fresh blood soaking the remains of his robes in at least three places, and the dried evidence of older wounds in others. He probably shouldn't move him, but they couldn't stay out here, exposed.
It didn't take long to get back to the crevice, and it was a good thing Sanzo was already passed out, or he would have been screaming like a banshee, Gojyo figured, as he manoevered the monk through the narrow tunnel. It was difficult enough to do alone -- Hakkai's attention seemed still firmly focused elsewhere -- but it would have been impossible if Sanzo had started thrashing in pain or lashing out.
Hakkai still had his limiters off, too, Gojyo noted. As soon as he laid Sanzo in front of him, Hakkai began locating and healing Sanzo's wounds. It was almost eerie to watch him working, eyes closed, trance-like.
Maybe it was safer that way, Gojyo thought, settling himself where he could keep an eye on both of them. Just in case either of them... over-reacted.
~*~*~
"I fell down?"
It was ridiculously difficult not to laugh at that. Hakkai chalked it up to a stress reaction and managed to contain his hysterical giggles.
"I mean," Sanzo growled, "I fell off the ledge."
"Oh," Hakkai said. He turned his attention immediately to checking Sanzo's body for injuries.
He started at Sanzo's head. Which, contrary to popular belief, was not made of rock.
And yes, there was a head wound, of course, shallow but bleeding profusely. At least that was a simple fix, as his skull was not fractured. He probably had a nasty concussion, but there wasn't much Hakkai could do about that, so he moved on.
Left arm, broken.
"Go ahead," Sanzo said, through clenched teeth.
Nodding shortly, Hakkai grasped it with both hands and pulled, realigning the bone. Then he set a chi splint over it and dealt with the damage to skin and muscle before moving on.
One rib, right side, cracked.
Two ribs, left side, broken. One was broken in two places; the fragment having turned both inward and upward, piercing his lung.
Pulling a rib back into place with chi was a somewhat strange experience. He would have liked to have had the time to analyze it, but time was of the essence. The puncture had to be healed quickly so his lung wouldn't collapse.
Sanzo's strained, shallow gasps became somewhat easier breathing once he'd sealed that particular wound.
Moving his hands down Sanzo's chest and abdomen, he checked for other internal injuries, frowning at the feeling of strained, bruised, and damaged organs. Sanzo had obviously taken more than a few hits in a violent fight and been dragged to the ledge none-too-gently before being constrained there. Some of the wounds were older and had already stopped bleeding on their own. He wondered, distantly, who or what had been strong enough to do such damage to Sanzo.
How long had they been here? How many days had it been? Why couldn't any of them remember?
There was no time to worry about such things. He pushed the buzzing thoughts away and refocused his attention.
Right hip, dislocated.
He didn't bother to wait for Sanzo's okay before popping it back into place. Sanzo screamed, arching his back violently for a moment. His breathing grew ragged and somewhat shallow again, but recovered after a few shuddering breaths. Hakkai paused to soothe the chi flowing from his heart, strengthening and reinforcing the larger patterns before continuing.
Left hip... fractured.
That took more fixing, but he managed to re-align the bone and put a seal on it to keep it there. Sanzo moaned, sounding far too exhausted to make any more noise than that, and Hakkai was not at all surprised to see his self-image shifting. He and Konzen almost seemed to be taking turns enduring the treatment. Hakkai wondered if they were aware of it, doing it intentionally, but didn't dare take the time or interrupt their focus to ask.
Legs, ankles, feet: bruised and cold, as were his hands, for that matter. Frostbite. Bloodloss and prolonged cold combined made them dangerously close to frozen, but Hakkai reinforced the circulation of blood and chi and was relieved to see that there appeared to be no permanent tissue damage.
Sanzo finally passed out completely when Hakkai was done, fading out of the non-space. Hakkai was amazed he'd stayed even semi-conscious that long. The extent of his injuries -- old and new -- was staggering, and the sheer force of will it must have taken to not only endure but also deal with the sutras was immense. There were definitely times when it was a good thing Sanzo was so stubborn. With an uneven sigh, Hakkai scooped up his limiters and held them for a moment.
A sharp, stabbing pain distracted him and, with an irritated grunt, he laid one clawed hand over his abdomen. Concentrating on the feeling of what didn't belong, he located the parasites -- about a dozen by now: they'd been reproducing in the times he'd let his guard down, but slowly. Wrapping them one by one in little bubbles of isolating chi, he pulled them out of his body and crushed them between his claws.
It was ridiculously easy, and practically anti-climatic after how long he'd struggled to simply contain them, but the relief was tangible and welcome.
Where was Goku? he wondered, as he reestablished the normal flow of chi through his abdomen. Surely he had felt Sanzo's pain, his brief passage from life to death and back again. Surely he would have returned... if he could.
There were no answers in the darkness. Reaching up reluctantly, he clipped his limiters back onto his ear, shuddering at the loss of youki and his true form. Then he, too, let go of the subjective reality and fell back into his own body.
~end ch.8~
When Hakkai finally put his limiters back on, Gojyo sagged a little against the wall in relief. And then he watched, in frustrated amusement and exasperation, as Hakkai slid slowly down the wall to collapse beside Sanzo in what was obviously complete exhaustion.
"Fainting after you heal someone, not too cool," Gojyo muttered. Hakkai hadn't learned that lesson yet, though.
"Kyuu..." Hakuryuu said, peering up at him.
The earth was vibrating, the mountain shaking. They couldn't afford to stay here.
His stomach grumbled.
"Ugh, I'm hungry," Gojyo complained. Glancing down at the dragon, he added, "I don't suppose you could go find us something to eat again?" As disturbing as they'd been, the voles had been food, and Sanzo hadn't eaten yet.
"Kuuu." Hakuryuu snapped his wings out and folded them back neatly, making an obvious statement that he was not going anywhere. "Kyu kyu."
Gojyo sighed and rested his head back against the wall. It just figured that the dragon wouldn't listen to him. "I know it's not safe to stay here. We need to get off this damn mountain. But what do you want me to do?"
He glanced down. Hakuryuu tilted his head, nodded towards the others and then towards the entrance to the cave.
"I'm not carrying both of them," Gojyo protested.
"Kuuyuu!" Hakuryuu exclaimed, hopping impatiently.
Gojyo stared down at him in disbelief. "Geez, this is weird. Here I am practically takin' orders from the pet. Next thing you know, I'll be askin' the monkey for his opinion." Reaching up, he rubbed at his forehead. "Wonder where the monkey is, anyway...."
"Kuuu!"
"Eh?"
Hakuryuu launched himself into the air, hovering before Gojyo's face. His eyes were fiercely intent as he stared at Gojyo. The redhead blinked.
"We need to find Goku," he said slowly.
Bobbing his head in a nod, Hakuryuu settled on his outstretched leg.
"And you think this is more important than food?"
Hakuryuu made a sound that was suspiciously like a hissing growl.
Gojyo raised his hands placatingly. "Alright, alright! You obviously know better than I do."
"Kyu." Accepting his surrender, Hakuryuu hopped down to the floor beside him. "Kyuu?"
"Tch. I can't very well leave them here. You could go look, though." Folding his arms across his chest, Gojyo frowned. "Just don't get yourself caught, or hurt, alright? Last thing we need is him goin' ballistic." He nodded towards Hakkai.
Hakuryuu blinked and lowered his head. "Kyuu..."
The mountain groaned, and the faint sound of a rockfall echoed through the small chamber. The acrid smell of sulphur filled the air.
"Go on, then," Gojyo said. "Hurry back."
Nodding his head, Hakuryuu headed toward the mouth of the cave.
~*~*~
Opening his eyes took a greater effort than it should have. He was still tired, still all too aware of the ragged fringes of his self wearing too close to the surface.
Time... to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet, he thought idly. At least here they were only faces that he already knew, faces that knew the face he put on for the world, and for them. It should not be so great an effort...
The chi in the cave told him all he needed to know. Gojyo was here, and Sanzo.... His mind caught on the edges of memory, reminded him of the dangerous path he'd tread. The shadow of a great darkness in his mind was not so easily pushed away, but he forced himself to do it, forced his attention to the necessary task at hand, and reached out to check Sanzo's wounds.
"What'cha doin'?" Gojyo drawled.
Hakkai started, yanking his hands away from Sanzo's chest. Folding his arms across his suddenly aching abdomen, he tried not to shiver. "Healing Sanzo," he said quietly, although he wasn't, actually. How ridiculous of him to react like a chastised child, and yet, he couldn't help the feeling of not wanting to incur Gojyo's disapproval.
"Unhunh," Gojyo replied. "Don't'cha think you should rest a bit first?"
Setting his lips in a thin line, Hakkai tried not to scowl. "I did."
"No," Gojyo said, getting to his feet. "You passed out. There's a difference, y'know?" Stepping carefully around Sanzo, he sat down again beside Hakkai.
Close beside him. On his left side, at least, where he could see him more easily.
"Gojyo," he began, but stopped, realizing he had no valid counter-argument.
Gojyo raised an eyebrow at him and waited.
"I'm fine," he insisted, reaching out to Sanzo again.
His hands shook. Gojyo noticed.
"You're not 'fine'," Gojyo said, reaching across to catch Hakkai's right wrist with his left hand.
Hakkai twitched, just barely refraining from lashing out and breaking free. Turning startled eyes to Gojyo, he studied him silently.
"You can't --"
"And what should I do, then?" Hakkai asked sharply. "Would you prefer that I let him die, again?"
Gojyo's hold on his wrist didn't relax in the slightest. "You'd rather kill yourself to keep him alive?"
"Gojyo...." He let his eyes say what he couldn't bring himself to. The mission... Sanzo... is more important.
Crimson eyes disagreed. Shifting his grip on Hakkai's wrist, Gojyo pulled him gently sideways, placing Hakkai's hand on his chest, over his heart.
Hakkai's eyes widened. Gojyo's skin was warm beneath his fingers, beneath the tattered remnants of his shirt. His heart beat strong and steady. Wetting his lips, Hakkai tried to locate the words that seemed to have abandoned him in favour of someone else's linguistic lobe.
"Can you take?" Gojyo asked softly.
Hakkai blinked at him. The question reverberated, echoed off his ears and fell, meaningless, into the depths of his addled brain.
"My chi," Gojyo explained patiently. "I'm pretty useless at this point. It'd do you a lot more good."
Tilting his head slightly to one side, Hakkai tried to force his cognitive functions into gear. "If something attacks... we'll need your strength."
Gojyo smiled a little. "My strength... wouldn't be enough to save all of us." His hand spread over Hakkai's, holding it in place over his heart.
There was a sudden ridiculous lump in his throat. He had to swallow hard, and even then could only nod his thanks, not trusting his voice.
"Besides," Gojyo added, settling back against the wall. "You can't go around taking your limiters off when we get back... to the real world."
Hakkai had to smile a little at that. "You're right, of course, Gojyo," he said softly. Turning to face him properly, he laid both hands on Gojyo's chest.
"I trust you," Gojyo whispered.
Closing his eyes, Hakkai reached for the warmth of Gojyo's chi, pulling it as gently as he could. Gojyo sighed softly, and he almost stopped, afraid he would somehow hurt his friend. But there was no feeling of wrongness in Gojyo's chi, nothing to concern him, and so he pulled a little more, slowly and carefully.
It didn't take much of the liquid heat to rebalance him, and he opened his eyes again after a few moments. Letting the flow of chi trickle to a stop was difficult; he wanted to continue not out of dire necessity, but from a desire to prolong this strange and invited intimacy between them. His own heartbeat had accelerated, and it was difficult to keep his breathing even.
Gojyo's eyes were still open, watching him. Running his fingers lightly over Gojyo's chest and up the side of his neck, Hakkai studied Gojyo's relaxed features.
"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. The words caught in his throat and he wondered if he'd have to repeat himself to make them make sense.
"'M fine," Gojyo replied with a lazy smile. "Just sleepy."
Saying "thank you" simply didn't seem adequate, and yet....
Gojyo's heavy-lidded gaze weighed on him, speaking volumes he'd been determined to overlook until now. The borrowed chi warmed Hakkai, the act of sharing energy so intimate that it could not help but arouse him. And yet....
Leaning slowly forward, he held Gojyo's gaze as he caressed his cheek lightly. The warmth between them was magnetic. The thought of trying to resist it sliced into him sharper than a knife. Without making a conscious decision, he closed the small distance between them.
Gojyo's lips were surprisingly soft and supple. Warm. So warm. So right. It would be so easy... he wanted... so badly... And Gojyo wasn't resisting. Wasn't pushing him away.
Nor was he being particularly enthusiastic in his encouragement, however. And perhaps that was more telling.
Drawing back, he blinked and tried to steady his breathing. Gojyo was still watching him, his expression suddenly guarded behind the sleepy relaxation.
Perhaps he'd been wrong after all. Surely it was only the sharing of chi that was making them both react this way. He should know better. Dropping his gaze and fighting back the sudden flicker of shame and uncertainty, Hakkai cleared his throat. "You should rest," he said quietly. There was a strange quaver in his voice that had no right being there.
He couldn't bring himself to meet Gojyo's gaze again, so he turned away and reached toward Sanzo instead.
This time, his hands were steady.
~*~*~
"Goku...."
Hakkai's hands stilled and he closed his eyes. Two syllables should not be able to distract him so.
What did it matter what was said? He must remain focused, intent on the chi passing through his hands into the body beneath them.
It was only a mark of how unbalanced he was, he told himself, that he should react so strongly to Sanzo's waking words. He was only his healer, after all. Goku meant a great deal more to him. Of course Sanzo would ask for him first.
Rationalizing subdued the flash of hurt and frustration, but didn't dismiss it.
Shaking his head slightly, he finished the work he was doing on Sanzo's recently broken ribs and let his hands fall to his lap. Sanzo stared up at him, or perhaps through him, his features dark with pain.
"Goku," he said again.
Hakkai shook his head. "He has not returned."
"Have to... find him..." Sanzo rasped with difficulty.
"You're not going anywhere yet," Hakkai replied, frowning. The average person would be bedridden for months with Sanzo's injuries.
Sanzo glared at him, struggling to push himself up onto his elbows. "Have to... go to him... screaming...."
Stretching out his arm, Hakkai blocked Sanzo easily, pushing him back to the floor. "You're not going anywhere," he said darkly. "I'm not going to let you kill yourself, now." Not after I've brought you back from the dead, again, he added silently.
All previous appearances of Sanzo's death-glare paled in comparison to the one he levelled on Hakkai now. Hakkai met the look dead on with a grim resolution and refused to move his arm until Sanzo went limp in defeat.
"Now, then. You will rest while we wait for Hakuryuu to return and Gojyo to awaken. And then we will go and find Goku."
If we are too late... Sanzo's eyes threatened.
Hakkai smiled grimly; a pale shadow of his usual falsely pleasant expression. We will not be.
~*~*~
"Kyuu!" The dragon's voice echoed strangely in the cave.
"Hakuryuu?" Hakkai said quietly, leaning forward and peering around Gojyo to search the cave entrance.
Beside him, Gojyo stirred, yawned, and pushed himself more or less upright. "He's back?"
Hakkai frowned and rose to his feet, keeping one hand on the wall to steady himself. "I don't see him," he replied, frustration clear in his tone. Stepping past Gojyo and Sanzo, he moved to the narrow passage that led to the cave's exit.
"Kyuu, kyuu!" Hakuryuu exclaimed. The sound of talons clicking against stone came from behind him.
"Uhh, Hakkai?"
Turning back, Hakkai glanced down at Gojyo. The redhead flicked a look up at him and pointed toward the back of the cave.
"There didn't used to be a tunnel there, right?" Gojyo asked, sounding equal parts curious and concerned.
Hakkai blinked and frowned into the dim depths of the cave. Hakuryuu was standing, wings half-unfurled, in the mouth of what was obviously a tunnel in the rock. In the wall that had been solid, the last time they'd looked.
"No, Gojyo," he said slowly. "I am quite certain there was only one way in and out of this cave."
"That's what I thought," Gojyo muttered.
Having finally gotten their attention, Hakuryuu flew into the cave and landed lightly on Hakkai's outstretched arm. Hakkai caressed the dragon's head absently, still studying the new tunnel. It was wide enough to accommodate them walking three abreast, or rather, two of them carrying Sanzo between them.
"Can we trust it?" Gojyo asked, pushing himself to his feet.
"It seems a little too convenient, doesn't it?" Hakkai replied. "Certainly it would be quite difficult to... assist Sanzo in exiting the cave in the same direction by which he entered."
Gojyo shrugged. "Well, if it's real enough for the dragon...."
"Reality... is an illusion," Sanzo rasped.
Three sets of startled eyes blinked down at him.
"Sanzo," Hakkai began, "I didn't realize you were --"
"Let's go," Sanzo grunted.
Hakkai's features tightened and there was no false smile to cover it this time. Shaking off Hakuryuu, he said simply, "Fine," and motioned for Gojyo to help him get Sanzo upright.
Sanzo's broken bones were only barely mended, held in place with chi bindings rather than actual bone regrowth. Any sudden fall or impact could quite easily break them again. But he would crawl, pulling himself along by fingernails and teeth if he had to, to get to Goku. The force of Sanzo's will might not be enough to move mountains, Hakkai thought with grim amusement, but it was certainly strong enough to rearrange rock, it seemed.
The mountain trembled and groaned. The stink of sulphur tainted the air. And somewhere, though they couldn't hear it, Hakkai and Gojyo knew Goku was screaming.
~*~*~
Even with both of them supporting Sanzo, their progress was painfully slow. They had no way of making light, save for the chi balls Hakkai did not want to spare the energy to make, and the bioluminescent moss Goku had found before was all that lit tiny sections of the tunnels and caves they moved through. There was always just barely enough of it to light the paths they chose, as if they were following a trail.
They stopped frequently despite Sanzo's impatience. None of them were healed enough to move quickly and easily and none of them had eaten enough in far too long. Time became meaningless, a slow crawl of immeasurable seconds ticking by, and it was soon as impossible to measure direction as time. They moved through tunnels and caves that seemed to have a life of their own, twisting, bending, vanishing and reappearing. But always, there was a sense of moving down and in; to the heart of the mountain.
The stink of sulphur burned their lungs. Temperature became the only true measure of time and distance; the closer they got to the center of the mountain, the hotter it became.
"We must be close," Hakkai murmured, as they paused at an intersection of tunnels.
Gojyo glanced around warily. It took him a moment to realize that he could actually see enough of his surroundings to make it worth the effort. A ruddy light spilled out of the tunnels ahead of them. Hakuryuu looked vaguely pink as he hovered just ahead of them.
"Which way, I wonder?" Hakkai said, leaning against the wall for a moment.
"Left," Sanzo muttered.
The tunnel to the left wasn't so much a tunnel as a constricted passage between the intersection they'd been in and an immense cavern beyond. Hakuryuu flew on ahead, as they maneouvered through the tight space.
Glancing back over his shoulder, Gojyo felt his skin crawl as the passage closed behind them, sealing them in.
~*~*~
"Hey, you alright?" Gojyo asked.
Hakkai blinked and squinted slightly until he managed to get Gojyo's face in focus. "Ummm..." he began, or tried to, but his throat felt sticky and impossibly dry.
"Here," Gojyo said, offering a handful of snow.
He sucked at it gratefully, barely wincing at the cold. "Where... are we?" he asked, when his throat was more or less working again.
"Outside. Seems like we made it... somehow."
Turning his head to the left, Hakkai looked past Gojyo to where Sanzo and Goku lay on the patchy brown grass. Three small, half-dead trees spread overhead, their bare branches providing a backdrop to Gojyo's fiery hair as he turned his gaze upwards again. "Are they...?"
"They're alive," Gojyo said with a lop-sided attempt at a smile. "But man, I can't believe Sanzo did that."
Turning his head in the other direction, Hakkai could just barely make out the mountain at a short distance. Weak late afternoon sunshine fell on snow more grey than white. "I... made a hole... in the wall..." he said, frowning.
Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, you did. And then I had to carry your sorry ass out and the other two... I guess. I'm not really sure how we all got here."
Hakkai smiled a faint apology. "...Did what?"
"Eh? Oh, Sanzo... let Goku bite him."
Closing his eyes, Hakkai found a patchy memory of that particular moment, and nodded slightly. "Ah," he murmured. "If it was the only way to make Goku recognize him...."
"Tch," Gojyo muttered. "Still a damn stupid thing to do, if you ask me."
Hakkai dragged his eyes open, turning his head to glance at Goku again. From where he was lying, it was hard to tell, but he thought he could make out the line of one long, pointed ear jutting out through a longer than usual tangle of hair. "He's still...?"
Gojyo flicked a nervous glance in Goku's direction and nodded. "Yeah. Helluva thing to wake up beside, y'know." He gave an exaggerated shiver and Hakkai almost laughed. "Hakuryuu's gone looking for his limiter."
"Ah. I should..." He tried to lever himself up on one elbow, and failed miserably, due in no small part to Gojyo's hand resting on his forehead. "Gojyo," he protested.
"You. Need to rest. There's nothin' you can do right now, anyway." Gojyo's look of fierce concern warmed him, and he relaxed against the grass.
A few moments passed, during which he took a rather simple delight in being able to breathe air that neither burned nor froze his lungs. Gojyo offered him another handful of snow, and he let it melt on his tongue, eyes closed and shivering slightly at the sensation.
A ragged cry broke his reverie and quickly turned into a keening moan. He glanced up, sharply, and found Gojyo sighing.
"It's Goku," the redhead said. "He's been crying in his sleep like that, off and on, since we got out."
Hakkai listened for a moment, but the sound was quite heartbreaking and made him long to curl into the warmth of Gojyo's embrace. Pushing the thought away, he shivered. "Sanzo... is he all right?"
Gojyo shrugged one shoulder. "He's still passed out, but he's breathing normally and doesn't have any new holes in him... other than the teeth marks."
"Ah," Hakkai murmured. "We need to get to shelter... somewhere safer."
Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, before another one of those rockfalls turns into a proper avalanche..." Tossing his hair back, he glared at the mountain. "Hey, wasn't there supposed to be a... temple, or something, near here? Within a day or so of the mountain?"
"Perhaps," Hakkai replied, frowning. "I really can't remember. But we can hope for the best..."
"We'll find something," Gojyo said, stretching out beside him. "Can't do anything til Hakuryuu comes back anyway. I just hope Goku doesn't wake up before then...."
~end ch.9~
"Will you let me sit up, at least?" Hakkai inquired, blinking up at Gojyo.
"If you promise to behave yourself," Gojyo replied, winking.
Hakkai smiled a disarmingly bland smile. "Of course, Gojyo." Pushing himself upright and propping himself against a tree trunk, he added, "What, exactly, happened?"
Gojyo shrugged helplessly. "It was so dark, and hot, and the damn monkey wouldn't shut up..."
Fire, lava, rock...
Cave closing in, too tight, too small...
Hard to breathe, to see...
Fragmented images flickered before his mind's eye, leaving him with no more of an answer than he'd had to begin with.
Hakkai shook his head slightly, trying not to disturb the headache that wanted to clamp down on him. "I suppose it doesn't matter all that much, given that we survived."
Gojyo snorted and moved to lean against the tree beside him. "And it would matter if we were dead?"
"Ah, no," Hakkai laughed. "But we would, perhaps, have more time to contemplate our misdeeds."
Smiling in return, Gojyo shook his head. "You're not makin' much sense."
With a slightly troubled sigh, Hakkai dropped his gaze to where his hands lay locked together in his lap. "No, I suppose I'm not at all, am I?" he murmured.
"Are you --" Gojyo began.
The triumphant "Kyuu!" that announced Hakuryuu's return interrupted him. The small white dragon was somehow managing to carry a rather large ring-shaped object easily. He dropped it beside Hakkai before landing on the grass and busying himself wiping his feet as if they felt dirty.
"Welcome back," Hakkai said softly. "What have you found?"
Gojyo leaned across him to pick up the offering and very quickly dropped it again. "Damn," he muttered, shaking his fingers. "That feels way wrong."
"Kyu~u," Hakuryuu agreed, bobbing his head.
"It looks like... it's been charred..." Hakkai said slowly, studying it without picking it up. Hakuryuu's talons did not seem to have left any scratches in the black coating.
"Huh. It is Goku's limiter, though, right?"
"I believe so... but..."
Leaning back against the tree, Gojyo huffed out a sigh. "Guess we gotta wait for Brasso-sama to wake up and fix it."
It was so many kinds of wrong to refer to Sanzo as a brand of metal polish, Hakkai thought, but he still giggled helplessly. Hakuryuu tucked his head under one wing for a moment and shook slightly, before regaining his composure and offering a dignified snort. Gojyo smirked, looking entirely too pleased with himself.
Shifting sideways, Hakkai leaned back against Gojyo's shoulder. Gojyo slid an arm around him, pulling him a little closer. It was so easy to simply fall back on Gojyo's support, as he had so many times. So easy to take him for granted... to assume... Now that they had escaped, would everything fall back into its pattern of familiarity? But he had changed things, or begun to, with that kiss....
The memory warmed him, deep down, wrapped in a bittersweet ache. If that was all they would ever share, at least he had that.
Hakuryuu peered up at them for a moment before climbing into Hakkai's lap and curling up there. The dragon's weight distracted Hakkai from his thoughts and he sighed a little. He really was too tired to puzzle it out at the moment.
They sat in comfortable silence for a while, until Hakkai yawned.
"You should sleep," Gojyo said.
"I'm fine," Hakkai protested. "I'd rather stay here...." Letting the statement trail off, he hid another yawn behind his hand. There was no way he was going to remove himself from the radius of Gojyo's warmth.
Gojyo's arm tightened around him in a gentle squeeze. "Alright," he said softly.
~*~*~
"There was that town we came through, a couple of days... Well. However long... before the mountain, anyway," Hakkai said, sounding entirely too absent-minded about the whole situation. "Gojyo thinks he remembers hearing rumour of a monastery... somewhere between the town and the mountain. Abandoned, maybe... or just so secluded and isolated from the world as to seem it."
"East," Sanzo grunted. What he wanted to say was damn it all to hell, no! We're not backtracking! but his voice wouldn't cooperate. He hadn't appreciated the snow Hakkai had offered, though he'd swallowed it down. Nor did he appreciate Hakkai's half-assed attempt at an explanation of just what the fuck was going on.
Hakkai smiled that accommodating smile with the razor-sharp edges and said, "I do realize that, Sanzo. Yet, it seems to be our only option."
Sanzo turned his head away -- the small movement being the only means of escape he had right now while his body was betraying him with its ridiculous need for time to heal. No sooner had he done so than a strange weight was set on his chest, forcing his attention back.
"The hell..." Sanzo growled. The rest of his question, such as it was, stuck in his throat, which was still far too dry and raw.
He glanced up at Hakkai, but an explanation was not forthcoming. The dark look in the healer's eyes said, "you figure it out."
Raising his right hand -- his left arm, with its stupid broken bone, didn't want to respond -- he picked up the blackened circlet.
Goku's limiter.
Teeth -- fangs -- sank into his left arm and the just barely mended bone threatened to snap again. He slammed the palm of his right hand against Goku's forehead, reaching, willing, demanding something...
Golden light flickered, trickling out from beneath his palm, sparkling into dust and nothingness before encircling Goku's brow.
He couldn't do it.
Not strong enough.
Or the energy was blocked.
Golden eyes fixed on him, wide, wide -- eyes shouldn't scream, but did -- and sanity sparked momentarily.
Agony swept over him like flame, drowning him, and the darkness won.
Laying the diadem back down on his chest, he hesitantly traced the contours of the ash and encrusted volcanic rock encasing it. It was as if... the mountain had tried to melt it, destroy it... but couldn't.
Because only Goku could.
It wasn't so much a revelation as fitting together the obvious pieces. Sanzo had been able to make a new one for him when they'd dealt with Homura, because the old one had been nearby, and its energy was free to change shape and form a new one when he needed it. But this one had been held by the mountain, blocked somehow, its energy cut off from him. And only one could exist at a time.
He was aware of Goku, lying nearby, but didn't turn to look for him. Goku whimpered, sounding far too young and childlike. At least he was still unconscious.
Following some instinct Sanzo didn't care to name, he tapped the crust of rock sharply with one fingernail, and passed his hand over the outside, then around the inside of the circlet. The blackness cracked and melted away, leaving a few motes of ash, or soot, dancing on the breeze.
He couldn't reach Goku, though there was only a short distance between them where they both lay on the dead winter grass.
His responsibility. Damned if he'd ask a youkai -- half-breed or otherwise -- to do it for him.
He pushed himself up on his elbows, limiter dangling around his wrist. Dragged his own sorry ass don't think. no pain. all is illusion sideways. Twisted bright agony flaring. damn healer couldn't do a better job than this? shook the limiter down to his hand, tucked his left hand under bone creaking, grinding, and oh god you shouldn't have to feel a bone breaking this damn slowly raised the damn monkey's head just enough to force the limiter on with his right hand.
And collapsed.
~*~*~
ithurtithurt ithurt it hurt...
Pain that was beyond words, beyond expressing, beyond even the screams that had poured out of him before. It was everything, every sense -- touch-taste-smell-see-hear pain.
Everything else reduced to nothing.
Golden light, burning through the pain, soothing it, fueling it. Lashing out against it. Fighting for himself.
The hot, wet, taste-not-taste of blood filling his mouth.
Burning. White, hot, gold. Light.
Sun.
Konzen?
Violet eyes, so dark, so deep, hurtangerfear there, but also...
Sanzo!
And an endless falling, forward, not back, through all the layers of time.
Until he slept.
~*~*~
"Kyu?" Hakuryuu asked, hopping a step toward Sanzo.
Hakkai shook his head, watching silently until Sanzo collapsed and Goku fell into a true sleep. "He had to be the one to do it," he said quietly.
"Kuu..." Hakuryuu agreed, tilting his head to one side. "Kyuu kyu?"
"Ah," Hakkai murmured. "There's nothing I can do at the moment... Gojyo was right about that, I'm afraid." He'd finally convinced Gojyo to rest for a while himself, and hoped that he was, actually, instead of faking sleep so artfully as he was wont to do. Hakkai kept half-expecting to find crimson eyes watching him every time he glanced at Gojyo.
"Kuu kyu kuuu."
"Well, Goku does heal most quickly while he sleeps. It is probably best not to disturb that process."
"Kuu."
Hakkai blinked down at the dragon and sighed. "We will need to travel soon... do you feel up to that?"
"Kyuu," Hakuryuu insisted, nodding shortly.
Hakkai smiled. "All right. Thank you...."
~*~*~
When Sanzo opened his eyes again and convinced his head to turn far enough to give him a view of something other than ashy sky and dead tree branches, he found Goku staring at him.
It was disconcerting. He glared.
No effect.
"Sanzo..." Goku whispered. "Sanzo, I'm sorry... I didn't want to! I hurt you -- I'm sorry," and more words spilling out and over top of each other into an incoherent jumble that made his ears and his brain ache.
"Goku," he growled.
The words stopped, thankfully, as he didn't have the energy to smack the idiot. Not that he knew where his fan was any more than he did his gun.
Or his sutra.
His hands curled into fists at his sides.
"I thought... I dreamt..." Goku stopped, took a deep breath, and said, "I was afraid I'd killed you."
Sanzo snorted and turned his gaze back to the sky. "No," he replied shortly.
An arm slid over his chest as Goku's head bumped against his shoulder. He turned his head again, opened his mouth to snap at him quit that! or don't be stupid, or maybe just ow..., but something in Goku's eyes stopped him.
"I found it," Goku whispered, pulling his arm back so he could reach into the remnants of his tunic. "Your sutra. I found it for you."
His throat closed up on him again, and the damn soot in the air was making his eyes tear. And it was true, not just some fever dream the mountain had spawned, because it was there, in Goku's hand, offered reverently. He accepted it, felt the familiar coil of power vibrate at his touch, and laid it on his chest.
Closing his eyes, he moved his other hand across until he could rest it on Goku's forehead. He had to swallow, hard, too many times, before he could speak.
"Thank you," he whispered.
~*~*~
"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Gojyo said, staring up at the impossibly long flight of stairs before them. A layer of snow covered the steps. Nothing had traversed them since the last snowfall. "Goddamn monks! Shit."
"It certainly is inconvenient," Hakkai sighed. "Hakuryuu cannot climb those in this form."
The Jeep made a sound of frustrated agreement.
"Fine," Gojyo sighed tiredly. He closed his eyes for a moment, then blinked and shook his head slightly. "Okay. If you can manage the kid, I'll deal with blondie. Unless you'd rather keep going, until we find that town?" He turned a pleading, but hopeless look toward Hakkai.
He shook his head reluctantly. "There's no guarantee that..." He stopped, held back the words "that the town even exists," and frowned. Instead, he said, "Another day's travel may be too much." Sanzo wasn't healing well, and Goku would barely rest for fear of Sanzo disappearing on him, it seemed. And whatever the mountain had tried to do to Goku, it had left him barely able to walk.
"Yeah, you're right. Let's get this over with. But damn, it sure would be useful to be able to teleport now."
Hakkai blinked as a slight dizziness swept over him, and found himself replying before he'd even managed to grasp the meaning of the statement. "Indeed. Yet it would seem that we are forced to do this the mortal way."
"Makes us feel like we're really alive, right?"
~*~*~
"That," Gojyo said, flopping down on the futon beside Hakkai, "was a little creepy. Ow, my back," he added in a muttered undertone. Hakkai was sitting up, leaning against the wall, but Gojyo was too exhausted to bother doing the same.
"Hmm?"
"The monks. They didn't seem to know what to make of us."
Frowning, Hakkai thought back to their reception at the monastery. "No more so than usual, I thought."
Gojyo rolled over onto his side, head propped on his hand. "Enh, maybe. But it seemed like... every time they stopped looking at us directly, they forgot we were there."
Hakkai smiled a little at that. "I think they are simply not used to visitors, Gojyo."
"Maybe," Gojyo conceded. He wasn't entirely convinced, but Hakkai seemed too distracted himself to really think about it. "At least we've got privacy. A whole wing to ourselves. What a luxury."
A luxury he intended to make full use of, to have that talk with Hakkai for starters. And after that? Well. They all had their own rooms this time, even if Goku was insisting on sleeping in Sanzo's room. With those two out of the way, maybe....
"Mm... out of sight, out of mind," Hakkai murmured. "I think it was more for their sake than ours. They seem very keen on maintaining their isolation."
"Yeah." Sighing, Gojyo attempted to roll over, only to have to wrestle his borrowed robe out from under him before he could move. "We have got to find that town," he said. "These robes are a pain in the ass." Glaring at the off-white fabric, he shook his head.
"They are... somewhat inconvenient," Hakkai admitted, hiding a laugh behind his hand.
Gojyo grimaced and sprawled on his back. "They're ridiculous! I don't know how Sanzo-sama stands them." No wonder the monk wore a top and jeans beneath his and ditched the robes entirely whenever he had enough privacy.
"Ah," Hakkai murmured, still chuckling. "But at least they are in one piece, and clean, and warm, and dry."
Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Sure, I'll give 'em that, but damn."
Hakkai merely nodded, staring off into space again. His eyes slid closed after a moment.
"I need beer. And meat. It's great to be full for a change, but if it's gonna be nothing but bland rice and beans at every meal, that's gonna get old real fast," Gojyo grumbled. "And I'd kill for a smoke right about now."
"A few more days, and you'd be fairly well over the addiction to them, you know," Hakkai observed.
Gojyo glared at him good-naturedly. "Ch," he muttered. "Bet you tried telling Sanzo that, too."
Hakkai opened his eyes at that and blinked down at him. "He will not be able to smoke for some time yet, Gojyo."
"And you wanna make me suffer, too, because of him?"
"That's not what I meant. I am only thinking of your health."
"Heh." Gojyo smiled suddenly. "You worry too much."
"Mhmm..."
Hakkai's eyes were an incredibly deep green, Gojyo realized, staring up at him in fascination. They weren't normally so deep, so intense... but then, normally, one was hidden behind a lens and a fall of hair that obscured colour, and the other... The other was often closed, or narrowed in thought.
There was something lurking in the depths of his eyes, too, something that smouldered. Hunger, Gojyo decided. Like a slow, banked fire, dark and hot with burning embers that just need a breath of air to fan them into life. He wet his lips.
"Gojyo?" Hakkai blinked, then frowned a little. "Are you all right?"
"Eh? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."
A self-conscious smile curved Hakkai's lips. Gojyo desperately wanted to kiss it away. Reaching up, he grasped Hakkai's shoulder and tugged gently.
Hakkai's eyes widened slightly and he tensed, studying Gojyo silently. Gojyo waited, refusing to move his hand until Hakkai either gave in and lay down or brushed him off.
They stayed that way for what seemed like far too long, but was probably only a few heartbeats, until Hakkai nodded slightly and stretched out on the futon beside him. Folding his arms across his abdomen, he rolled onto his right side, facing Gojyo. The narrow futon -- meant for only one person -- forced them close together.
"You were... staring, for a rather long time," Hakkai said. Curiosity coloured his tone and his expression.
"Ah. Well," Gojyo said, shifting onto his left side and propping his head on his hand again. "I guess I got lost in there..." It was still corny as hell, but at least he hadn't stooped to "lost in your eyes." He could trust Hakkai to get what he meant.
A nervous laugh escaped Hakkai, and he ducked his head for a moment. "Gojyo," he murmured, protesting.
"They're beautiful," Gojyo added softly.
Again the nervous laugh, but this time, he held Gojyo's gaze almost hesitantly. His eyes had gone a lighter shade, and the tiny creases at the corners betrayed his uncertainty.
Gojyo didn't know where to begin the conversation. He kept getting distracted by Hakkai's eyes, and the curve of his lips; no matter how hard he tried to keep his gaze fixed on Hakkai's eyes, it kept drifting down. At least it seemed Hakkai was having the same problem.
"Why... did you kiss me?" he asked, as gently as he could.
Hakkai still recoiled ever so slightly. His arms tightened around his abdomen and he ducked his chin again. "Ah, I... was caught up in the moment, I suppose. I'm--"
He heard the apology coming and tried to cut it off. "Is that all it was?" he asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice.
Hakkai peered up at him again, his eyes gone flat and opaque. There was silence there, in that guarded expression.
Gojyo cursed silently. "I mean, I know how it affects you," he said quickly. Hakkai's eyebrows jumped slightly. "Working with chi. Even when we're fighting, sometimes... sometimes it's like you're almost gettin' off on it."
Hakkai smiled tightly. "You're quite right, of course, Gojyo," he said, his voice dark with some emotion Gojyo couldn't name. "I do know better than to... act on the desires that arise at such times."
Gojyo nearly growled in frustration. It didn't take a chi worker to feel how Hakkai was closing up again. "That's not what I meant."
"I should not have assumed..."
"Hakkai," Gojyo said sharply. Tension vibrated in every line of the healer's body. Softening his tone, Gojyo continued, "I enjoyed it, okay? I just... Was it just because of the chi, or was it...?" He let the words trail off.
Hakkai's eyes slid shut and a tiny smile played about his lips. "Oh," he murmured. "No... no, I wanted..."
What? Gojyo asked silently as Hakkai's eyes flickered open again.
"You," Hakkai whispered.
Gojyo's throat closed up on him as he stared into eyes gone dark, deep green again. Letting his head drop, he pillowed it on his upper arm, which put his lips level with Hakkai's forehead. He shifted down a little and stretched out his other arm to curl it around Hakkai.
Hakkai moved toward him, uncurling a little before tucking his head against Gojyo's shoulder. A soft, shivery sigh escaped him. Gojyo slid his hand across Hakkai's back, moving in slow, gentle circles.
"...want you so very badly," Hakkai said, his voice muffled in the robe. "But I didn't dare... I don't know why I didn't..."
Gojyo chuckled, pushing his shoulder gently so that Hakkai moved back enough to glance up at him. "Because I don't do casual sex with men?"
Hakkai smiled somewhat tentatively. "Well, yes, there is that. But Gojyo...."
Taking a deep breath, Gojyo tried not to rush through the words. "Nothing with you could be casual... or meaningless." Without giving Hakkai a chance to respond, he continued, "But I figured you weren't interested. Or that you... wouldn't want to betray her memory like that. And I get that, really."
Shaking his head, Hakkai burrowed into Gojyo's shoulder again. "No," he said softly, and then fell silent again.
Gojyo held him close, breathing in the clean scent of his freshly-washed hair and waiting. Hakkai freed one arm from between them and slid it over Gojyo. His hand fisted in the back of Gojyo's loose robe.
"What about Sanzo, then?" Gojyo asked, when it seemed Hakkai would stay silent for hours, brooding about the past.
Hakkai made an annoyed sound and pulled back. "That is a rather hopeless situation and I do not expect anything to come of it. I should not have spoken of it. I am sorry my frustrations got the better of me."
Gojyo shrugged one shoulder. "Not sayin' it doesn't make it go away," he said, meeting Hakkai's dark look squarely.
"No, I suppose it doesn't," Hakkai admitted.
"Would you rather be with him?" Gojyo asked, bracing himself against the answer.
Hakkai blinked at him, frowned, and blinked again. "Gojyo..." Releasing his grip on Gojyo's robe, he slid his arm up until his palm lay against the back of Gojyo's neck, fingers tangling in crimson hair.
His eyes searched Gojyo's for a long moment, and what he saw there, Gojyo couldn't say, but Hakkai's lips parted ever so slightly. He didn't so much pull as simply flex his fingers and they both moved forward, meeting halfway in a kiss that was nowhere near as hesitant as Gojyo had expected it to be.
And that was answer enough.
~end Ch.10~
Warning: Smut. And not just the usual variety, either. Read at your own risk.
~*~*~
Ch.11 ~ Refuge
~~~~~~~~~
Language was betraying Hakkai. It was becoming a regular habit of his once reliable companion. He simply could not find the words that would reassure Gojyo. He could barely find words at all, past the deep, dark hunger that gnawed at him.
He shouldn't want this. He could live very well without. Had been doing so, for years now.
But oh, he wanted so very badly. Desired with a deep desperation that had awoken in the mountain and would not leave him be. He needed this, and yes this would change everything, and nothing, because he would not be able to go back to his solitude. The very idea made something in him crystallize, as if preparing to shatter.
No, he deserved this. He had as much right to it as anyone.
...have nothing...
A faint and worthless whisper.
He gave Gojyo the only answer he could, before his silence stretched too long.
Their lips met, and if the first touch was gentle, it didn't remain that way. His eyes slid closed, and his fingers tightened in Gojyo's hair (shouldn't do that. he doesn't like it. not from them.) (but this is me.) and he broke their kiss for the briefest moment to gasp as Gojyo leaned over him. (yes... oh, yes. claim me...)
His tongue traced Gojyo's bottom lip, teasing, tasting. Reached for his upper lip, and was instead sucked into a hungry mouth. Gentle teeth nipped at his lips and his breath caught in his throat. It was dizzying, how much pleasure could be found in such a simple thing, so long denied. Some other time, he thought, he could quite happily kiss Gojyo for hours, but right now, he wanted more. As much as their exhausted bodies would allow.
His arm was still trapped between them, curled over his abdomen. Shifting a little, he found enough room to turn his hand, reaching impatient fingers through folds of unfamiliar fabric. Gojyo grunted in surprise when his fingers finally found their target, but quickly moved his hips so that he could reach more easily. And then Gojyo's hand -- the one that wasn't behind his head, supporting him -- made short work of finding its way beneath his robes.
Everything paused for a moment, an eternity, as they lay with their hands curled around the weight of each other, their breath trembling over parted lips.
"Hakkai..." Gojyo whispered.
His name had never sounded so... exactly right as it did at that moment. He opened his eyes, gazing up at Gojyo with more honesty than he'd ever allowed himself.
"Hakkai..."
There was a suspicious dampness in the corners of his eyes. He let them fall closed again as Gojyo leaned down and their lips met and their hands moved and everything fell into an achingly perfect primal rhythm that drove away every last thought save pleasure for its own sake.
~*~*~
When his brain kicked in again, it tried to insist that it had only been a mutual hand-job, and he really shouldn't feel so pleased about it, as they had rather made a mess, and he would probably have to see to the laundry. Again.
He told it to shut up and burrowed tighter into Gojyo's sleepy embrace.
"Y'alright?" Gojyo murmured, stroking his hair.
He had to turn his head to make himself heard. "Yes," he whispered. "Quite." And there was more he could say, of course, to explain just how much more himself he was feeling than he had in too long, but his neurons were misfiring and they were both falling asleep. "Thank you," he added.
"Mmmm."
~*~*~
"Sanzo will be okay, right?" Goku whispered, as Hakkai knelt beside him where he sat next to Sanzo's futon.
"Yes, he will," Hakkai replied quietly. "But it will take time... he was very badly hurt...." His mind shuddered away from the catalogue of Sanzo's injuries. There was no need to list them out for Goku.
"But... you're helping him, right? He always heals faster when you help him."
Hakkai tried to hide the sigh that wanted to escape him. "As much as I am able, Goku."
Golden eyes blinked up at him. "What can I do to help?" Goku asked. "I hate waiting...."
Sliding an arm around Goku's shoulders, Hakkai smiled a little. "You've already been doing quite a lot to help, and I do appreciate it. I'm sure Sanzo does as well." He watched Sanzo carefully for signs of a suppressed snort, but it seemed the monk, though normally a light sleeper, was deeply asleep.
Goku leaned against him. "I'm hungry," he said quietly, but it sounded like habit; reaching for something familiar in a world still six degrees off kilter.
"Hmm.... Shall I make you something to eat, then?"
Goku nodded. "'K."
~*~*~
Gojyo joined them in the kitchen and struck up a game of cards with Goku while Hakkai cooked.
"Where did you find the cards?" Hakkai inquired.
Gojyo rolled his shoulders in a lazy shrug. "In one of the cupboards. Funny thing is," he paused, discarded and drew another card, "I could swear they weren't there the first time I looked."
Hakkai studied the pot of soup thoughtfully.
"Naaaah, Gojyo! You're cheating!"
"Not. Stupid monkey."
A brief scuffle ensued, startling them all with the sheer normalcy of it. This was what they fell back to, time and again. A pattern so familiar it was almost inevitable and seemingly unbreakable.
After they ate, Hakkai sent Goku upstairs with a tray for Sanzo and gentle reminders to be careful in helping Sanzo sit up and eat. Gojyo stayed and helped him wash the dishes. This, too, was comforting, familiar. The small domesticities of a routine that had been interrupted but not entirely broken. They fell into it again easily, sharing small smiles as they worked.
"Town tomorrow?" Gojyo asked. "Please?"
"Mm... Yes. I believe Sanzo is well enough to leave in Goku's care. Goku has been eager to help, and I trust him to tend to Sanzo's needs."
Gojyo snorted. "He'll be pissed. S'gonna take us a couple days."
Hakkai smiled brightly. "We'll just have to be sure we bring him cigarettes, then, hmm?"
"Heh. Guess we're both easy to bribe," Gojyo said jokingly.
Inspecting the curve of a spoon, Hakkai murmured, "Easy to distract, perhaps."
Chuckling softly, Gojyo draped the towel over his shoulder and slid his arms around Hakkai's waist. His lips brushed against the back of Hakkai's neck as he drained the sink and wrung out the dish cloth. Turning in place, Hakkai looped his arms around Gojyo's shoulders, grabbed the towel to dry his hands and tilted his head back to meet Gojyo's gentle kiss.
"You say this like it's a bad thing," Gojyo said, some time later.
"Mmm," Hakkai replied. "Not exactly." A teasing smile played on his lips, but he didn't explain further. Squeezing Gojyo's arm, he slid out of the embrace and hung up the towel.
~*~*~
"So where are you boys from?" the innkeeper asked, as he dealt with the gold card. "We don't get many travellers round here these days."
"East," Gojyo said, leaning against the counter.
"We're on a pilgrimage," Hakkai added, smiling politely. That should help explain the robes, as well. The stores were already closed by the time they had arrived at the town. New clothing would be the first priority tomorrow.
The innkeeper glanced up as he handed the card back to Hakkai. "Ah, I see. Too bad about the monastery near here, then. Won't be of much use to you."
Gojyo and Hakkai exchanged a sidelong glance. "Has some misfortune befallen it recently?" Hakkai inquired.
The innkeeper snorted. "Not recently, no. That place has been abandoned for years now. Since about the time the youkai started going crazy, I think it was."
Gojyo frowned and almost shivered.
"Ah. What a pity," Hakkai murmured. He signed the paperwork the innkeeper offered and accepted the key.
"Need a hand with your luggage?" the innkeeper inquired, peering around them curiously.
Gojyo snorted and Hakkai laughed, ever so polite and self-deprecating. "Thank you, but there is no need. We are somewhat lacking in belongings at the moment. We... ran into a bit of trouble recently."
The innkeeper nodded wisely. "Happens all too often these days. At least you escaped with your lives. Well, then. Room's upstairs, on the left. Bathroom's shared, at the end of the hall. Enjoy your stay."
~*~*~
It was the same story at the restaurant -- too bad about the monastery. No one remembered the details, but everyone was in agreement that it had been some years ago now. A few people said it was probably the youkai. Some others thought the monks had just given up and left.
No one really had an opinion about the mountain, except that most people avoided it. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it, the waitress insisted. It was just... inconvenient. There were other roads.
"Just to state the obvious," Gojyo muttered, "This is not the same town we came through the first time, is it?"
Hakkai frowned, his chopsticks hovering over an almost empty bowl of rice. "It does not seem to be," he replied in a quiet undertone. "They certainly don't seem to recognize us." He offered the bowl to Hakuryuu, who licked rice grains from it. Usually, few people took notice of the small dragon, but here he seemed to be practically invisible, passing completely unremarked upon by the townsfolk.
Gojyo snorted and leaned back in his chair. "Hasn't been that long. You'd think they would."
"Mhmm..." Hakkai replied.
Hakuryuu made a soft sound of agreement.
They finished their meal in silence and retreated to the inn.
~*~*~
He was not impressed by the situation in the room. Naked bodies on the bed and the air filled with an unmistakable scent. It was bad enough that those two were carrying on that way now (again), but to ignore him like this was intolerable.
Snapping his wings open, he launched himself from the windowsill and flew quickly across the room to land on Gojyo's (Kenren's) outstretched arm. An arm flung carelessly, possessively, over what was his.
The man didn't even have the decency to challenge him for the right to what belonged to him. No honour in him at all. Like a thief in the night, playing behind his back. Intolerable. He would not allow this to (begin again) continue.
"Fuck, Hakkai, tell your damn dragon to get off the bed!" Gojyo (Kenren) exclaimed.
His Tenpou (Hakkai) only laughed. Terrible behaviour. How had he never managed to train some semblance of propriety into him? Stalking angrily up to his rival's shoulder, he stretched out his neck and drew a hissing breath in his face. A warning. Not a proper challenge yet. That would depend on his reaction.
The man blinked red eyes at him, but refused to back down. "What the fuck..." he muttered.
"Well, after saying something like that... he let you off fairly light, don't you think?" Hakkai said, laughing.
He was prepared to make a stronger assertion of his ownership, but his Hakkai (Tenpou) wrapped an arm around him and moved him away from the invader. Tucked him against the curve of a warm body, where he belonged, and his seething thoughts dulled a little.
(curl up. sleep here. never mind those two. enough to be beside him. rest.)
But there was a scent in the air that did not belong with these two. Not while he was here. Tenpou was his, had been for centuries, long before Kenren was forced upon them. Kenren had no right, usurping his place in Tenpou's bed again, without even the decency to hide it from him, simply because his current form was not what it should be. Had been.
(sleep...)
No. He would not be pushed aside, would not be ignored. How could they acknowledge him, speak to him, include him as they should, and then return to treating him like this? Why could they not see, understand, that he was here as much as they were?
Mine.
The scent of desire was strong in the air and stirred his own in response. It had been so long....
Hissing softly, he wrapped himself around Tenpou's forearm, not caring if his claws dug in. He would make his Tenpou pay attention, with tongue and teeth, and claws, if need be.
And Tenpou did, moving practised fingers in patterns that very quickly drove all thought of anything but Tenpou from his mind. He pressed hard against Tenpou's fingers, body moving in sinewy, rippling shudders as desire turned to need and he lost all sense of everything but the purely physical response that had him gasping in pleasure.
There were words exchanged, which he heard, distantly, but they did not trouble him. Nothing did, until those clever fingers stopped.
Raising his head, he hissed in annoyance. Kenren, damn him, all over his Tenpou, distracting him. Trying to claim him!
Frustration burned through him, shading to anger, and he bit and clawed and cursed his form.
Tenpou. My Tenpou!
But Tenpou didn't hear him, didn't answer. Only gasped and shuddered and...
...cried out in pain.
He did not mean to hurt him. Not like this.
Red eyes, so like and unlike his own, glared across at him.
He could not win like this. This was no proper challenge. They did not understand. So very difficult... his sense of self kept blurring. Him-not-him, dragon, but trapped.
Beating his wings angrily, he loosed his hold and retreated from the bed.
He would find another way to reach them.
He must.
~*~*~
Shifting between sheets still slightly damp, Hakkai said teasingly, "Have I tired you out?"
Gojyo made a mumbling sound of agreement and snuggled up against him, resting his nose against the back of his neck where his breath tickled Hakkai's hair.
He smiled, lacing his fingers together with Gojyo's. He was tired, but at the same time, exhilarated, and not at all ready to sleep. His mind kept replaying moments, touches, sensations. The sweet burn in his limbs, and the wonder at how they fit so exactly together. His name on Gojyo's lips, and Gojyo's name...
His mind stuttered over a moment he'd almost forgotten and he frowned a little.
Arms and legs wrapped tight around his lover's torso. Ankles crossed, strangely comfortable in an unaccustomed position. Rocking with an achingly familiar motion and desperate need. Aware of the small sounds -- grunts, moans -- escaping him, but not caring. Lost in the moment, and the moment demanded his full participation.
Opened his mouth to moan a name, and his lover thrust sharply, driving the air from his lungs. Which was just as well, really, because...
Because, just for one moment...
...the name on his lips had not been Gojyo's.
Pushing the pillow out of the way, Hakkai edged over onto his front. Gojyo's arm slid down to his waist, fingers curling loosely without Hakkai's to hold.
It hadn't been his sister's either.
"Going to live, Marshal?" Heavy sarcasm on the title. Genuine concern behind it.
He squinted up at a familiar face, smiling carefully. "So it seems. And you, General Kenren?" Sarcasm there, too, and lingering confusion.
Homura's men had been quite insistent about the mistaken identities.
Five hundred years was a long time. For a mortal.
Blinking his eyes open, Hakkai stared blankly at the room. With his left cheek pressed against the mattress, it was his weak eye that was doing most of the work, giving him a blurred picture of the unfamiliar dimensions of the room. There was a darkness in the back of his mind -- familiar and yet strange -- that had nothing to do with the lack of light. A restless darkness that had been stirring these past few days.
Even if it did not have claws, he did not want it to wake.
He needed something to focus on. Something to clear his thoughts for a while before they spiralled off into speculation about the mountain and Homura's attempt to recreate the world and... related experiences he did not wish to revisit.
But perhaps some good could come of it.
Closing his eyes again, he reached for the non-space of the subjective reality, curious to see if he could still reach it. It was hard to tell, though, if his mind was simply generating an impression of it or if he had actually found his way there again.
A test, then.
~*~*~
"Sanzo?" he called softly. "Can you hear me?"
It took a few moments, but Sanzo faded into view, lying flat on his back, hands folded over his chest. Looking entirely serene until he turned his head to level a glare at Hakkai.
"What?" he snapped.
Hakkai smiled brightly. "It still works, it seems. Handy, don't you think?"
Sanzo blinked. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Moving to sit beside him, Hakkai gestured to their non-surroundings. "The subjective reality. We can still speak to each other here. I thought it might be useful."
"You woke me up for an experiment?" Sanzo growled. "You're the one who told me to rest. Make up your fucking mind."
"Ah, well," Hakkai said, nodding. "I do apologize for waking you."
"Tch."
And then he was gone, leaving Hakkai alone.
Or not alone, he realized a moment later.
A still, pale form -- too large to be a small, white dragon, though that was his immediate association -- stood nearby.
Green eyes met red, and the darkness rose up, sweeping over Hakkai like a wave. He flailed helplessly, caught in the sensation of drowning in his own mind, but the darkness was stronger and pushed him aside.
Lurching to his feet, he moved toward the pale figure and went to one knee, knuckles against the floor, head bowed.
"Commander," he whispered.
Clawed fingers stroked through his hair. He leaned into the touch, closing his eyes against the burn of tears.
A long, comfortable silence hung between them until a voice, raw with emotion and tight with disuse, answered: "Mine."
~end ch.11~
~*~*~
12 ~ Need
~~~~~~~~~~~
There were no more words between them, then. Words were not needed. There was only a moment where he willed away Tenpou's clothes and then Goujun was pushing him down, clinging to him desperately, claws kneading his shoulders as he pressed the length of his body hard against him. Wings spilled out over them, shifting in and out of existence as Goujun struggled to control his form.
"Goujun," Tenpou whispered, reverent, desperate, scarcely daring to believe. "Oh, Goujun..."
Language was difficult, evading a tongue unaccustomed to speaking after so many years. It was too much of a struggle to hold both form and language. One or the other would slip at the slightest loss of focus, dragging him back toward the speechless beast he had been for so long now.
He could not even explain to Tenpou, could do nothing but cling and fight and rage against the seals on his form.
Blood marred the pale skin of Tenpou's shoulder where his claws had dug in too deep. He shifted his hand, cleaned the wound with his tongue, and pressed his lips to Tenpou's.
Mine.
Yours.
~*~*~
Gojyo wasn't sure if it was the hiss or the whimper that had awoken him, but either way, he was completely awake now.
Hakuryuu was crouched on Hakkai's back, wings outstretched, claws -- and teeth -- sunk into Hakkai's flesh. And Hakkai was whimpering, a sound Gojyo remembered from years ago, from Gonou's nightmares.
"Hakkai? Hey, Hakkai," Gojyo said, quietly but urgently. Propping himself up on one elbow, he was about to grab the small dragon and forcibly remove him when Hakuryuu suddenly turned to glance in his direction. They stared at each other for one brief moment. There were streaks of red like tear-stains at the corners of the dragon's eyes.
Hakuryuu launched himself into the air, crying softly as he flew to the open window and disappeared out into the night.
Grasping Hakkai's shoulder, Gojyo called his name again and was answered this time by a low moan. Hakkai moved stiffly, turning his head carefully and rolling onto his side, arms wrapped tight around his body, facing Gojyo. He blinked slowly, his expression so utterly blank that Gojyo found he was holding his breath, waiting.
"Hakkai?" he whispered.
Another slow blink, but this time, when Hakkai's eyes opened again, there was something familiar behind them. "Gojyo," he said raggedly. Reaching out with one arm, he clutched at Gojyo.
"I'm here," Gojyo murmured, "it's alright."
Hakkai shook his head as he tucked it beneath Gojyo's chin and burrowed into Gojyo's embrace. Tremors shook his slender frame, and Gojyo held him tightly.
Moving his hand in soothing circles over the small of Hakkai's back, Gojyo said softly, "What happened? What's wrong?"
"I... I'm not entirely sure." Taking a deep breath, Hakkai uncurled a little. "I have a terrible headache...."
"Are you okay?" Gojyo asked anxiously.
Shifting a little further, Hakkai moved his hand up to cover the scratches on his shoulder. "I'm fine," he said. "It's nothing."
The soft glow of chi called him a liar when Gojyo didn't have the heart to.
The angry red marks faded beneath his touch and he let his hand fall back to the mattress with a sigh. "I'm very tired," he murmured. Twisting in Gojyo's embrace, he rolled over again so that his back was pressed tightly against Gojyo's chest.
"Then sleep," Gojyo said, curling protectively around him. He felt the tension melt out of Hakkai's body as he slipped easily into sleep.
Gojyo stayed awake much longer, watching the window.
~*~*~
It was peaceful without Hakkai and the kappa around, Sanzo thought, watching dust motes dance in a sunbeam slanting across his room. Of course, he'd appreciate it a whole lot more if he could sit up and have a smoke. And a beer. Hell, even a bad bottle of wine would be better than nothing. It might at least dull the constant ache of mending bones and healing bruises.
The door opened, and bare feet padded almost silently across the room. Goku sat down cross-legged beside him. "Morning," he said quietly.
"Ahn." He flicked a glance sideways at Goku, surprised again by his quiet consideration.
Lacing his fingers together, Goku raised his arms above his head, stretching and making faces at the pops and cracks from his back.
"Are you all right?" Sanzo asked, watching the faint grimaces cross Goku's face with some concern.
"Yeah," Goku replied, dropping his arms and twisting at the waist. "Hakkai said my spine was crushed, but it's okay now."
Sanzo stared at him for a long moment. His throat tightened, making it difficult to get the words out. If he'd had any. He'd known -- hell, by now they all knew -- that Goku was nearly indestructible, provided he had the time to sleep and regenerate. But knowing that and seeing it proven were two entirely different things.
"Goku," he murmured.
Goku glanced down curiously. "Yeah?"
Sanzo shifted his arm out of the way, making room for Goku to lay down beside him.
He did so carefully, resting his head gently on Sanzo's shoulder, tensing when Sanzo winced. "Is it okay?" he asked, propping himself up on one elbow to frown down at Sanzo. "Hakkai said --"
"It's fine," Sanzo growled, lacing his fingers in Goku's hair and tugging him back down.
Goku settled down again, sighing softly as Sanzo stroked his hair.
~*~*~
By the time they made it back to the inn late that evening -- reclothed, resupplied, well fed, and ready to head back to the temple as soon as they picked up Hakkai's lenses from the glass grinder first thing in the morning -- Gojyo swore he'd worn his teeth down from grinding them together every time Hakkai smiled. His lover (and damn but it still felt good to think of him that way, finally) had gotten up in a very determinedly cheerful mood, sidestepping the cautious attempt Gojyo had made to discuss what had happened the night before. There had been one tense moment, when Hakuryuu had first returned and landed on Hakkai's shoulder, but it had passed quickly as the little dragon cooed softly and rubbed his cheek against Hakkai's.
Like he was nothing more than a pet, and certainly nothing Gojyo should consider dangerous.
That had set his teeth on edge, and it gotten worse all day, until he found himself too grumpy to even enjoy his smokes when they'd finally bought some. Tossing the bags in an untidy heap on the floor, he turned to find Hakkai standing at the window. Taking a deep breath, he put his thoughts in order, determined to force Hakkai into talking about what had happened with Hakuryuu.
But when he moved to stand beside Hakkai and glanced out the window, he swore softly and leaned his head against the windowframe.
It had started raining.
"Hakkai," he said quietly, willing the other man to turn away from the window.
It didn't work. Silence hung between them, and he was about to admit defeat and retreat to the bed when Hakkai finally turned his head.
"Hmm?"
There was a dark blankness to Hakkai's expression. A kind Gojyo was all too familiar with, made somehow more vulnerable by the absence of glasses or monocle. Blowing a frustrated stream of smoke toward the ceiling, he held Hakkai's gaze for as long as he could.
"Sometimes, when it's raining," Gojyo said, "you look right through me till I'm not even sure I exist anymore."
Hakkai was silent for a long moment, his gaze drawn inexorably back to the rain. "Sometimes, when it rains," he answered slowly, "you don't."
On any other night, he might have backed down, might have left Hakkai to his ghosts and the rain. But tonight he felt a certain desperation to reach past the walls, to reach Hakkai himself... somehow. "Hakkai," he said again, flicking the butt of his smoke out the window. "Hakkai, come to bed...."
His words seemed to travel a great distance before reaching the youkai. Slowly, he turned away from the window, wrapping his arms tightly around himself.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Gojyo quickly closed the window and tugged the heavy drapes into place. Hakuryuu was still outside, somewhere, he assumed, but couldn't bring himself to care. The dragon had taken off when they went to eat. Hunting, Hakkai had said. Gojyo hadn't bothered to ask why he would bother when he was usually content sharing Hakkai's meal.
They got ready for bed in silence. It wasn't until Gojyo reached over to turn out the lamp that Hakkai finally spoke.
"Leave it on," he said quietly.
"All right," Gojyo said, wrapping his arm around Hakkai instead. It was amazing how small Hakkai could make himself, Gojyo thought as he curled around him. Like he shrunk in on himself in every way. The physical smallness he was almost used to; you could kind of gauge how much pain Hakkai was in by how much he curled when he slept. But the emotional smallness, the way Hakkai retreated within the labyrinth he'd created in his mind, that Gojyo couldn't get used to.
Sometimes, he talked to you over the walls, and that was worse than his silences, because it was done with a kind of absent-minded politeness that you couldn't argue with. Sometimes, he wandered close to the edges of the labyrinth, and you could almost feel the one last row of thorny hedges protecting him. Sometimes, rare times, he tried to lead you in, and that was scarier than watching him disappear.
And sometimes, if you were lucky, you could lead him out.
"It's not raining in here," Gojyo said quietly. They were only on the second of the inn's three floors, and the rain was slanting away from their window, not drumming against it. The sound was so faint that it wasn't worth acknowledging.
Hakkai shifted in his embrace, tilting his head back so that he could meet Gojyo's gaze. "No," he said slowly, "it's not." Something shifted in his eyes and he crept a little closer, turning a corner of the labyrinth.
Gojyo brushed his palm across Hakkai's cheek, watched green eyes slide closed, and murmured, "You're so damn beautiful."
Startled eyes flew open and something like an embarassed laugh escaped Hakkai. "Gojyo," he protested.
He slid his fingers into Hakkai's hair, playing with the freshly trimmed short fringe on the back of his neck. After a moment, Hakkai shook his head, ever so slightly, but there was genuine amusement and pleasure in the smile he was trying to hide.
One more wall out of the way.
Gojyo leaned forward, brushing his lips against Hakkai's in a light, gentle kiss before pulling back a little. He watched Hakkai's eyes close again, felt the shivery sigh and the hitch in his lover's breath against his cheek. For an impossibly long moment, Hakkai's expression tightened as if in pain. Gojyo drew a slow, cautious breath and waited. He wasn't going to force Hakkai into anything. All he could do was offer. And wait.
The tension didn't so much ease from Hakkai's features as simply disappear, and when he opened his eyes again, there was an honesty in his gaze that said he was stepping beyond the walls. "Distract me," he whispered, gripping Gojyo's shoulder like a lifeline.
Their lips met again, gently, sharing a kiss that was slow and sweet. Gojyo traced the outline of Hakkai's lips with the tip of his tongue, exploring every curve before sliding between his parted lips. Their tongues met, curled, and danced like butterflies, light and gentle, sweet and teasing. Shivery breaths and faint, delicious moans whispered free whenever their lips parted.
"Gojyo," Hakkai whispered, deep and throaty and needy. Gojyo's tongue invaded his mouth again and Hakkai closed his teeth around it, sucking and nibbling.
Gojyo forgot how to breathe for a moment and was forced to extract his tongue to remind himself, causing Hakkai to murmur a protest. With a playful growl, he pushed Hakkai over onto his back and sprawled atop him, claiming his mouth again. Hakkai shivered and moved beneath him, arching his back as he wrapped his arms around Gojyo.
Shifting his weight so that he was leaning on one elbow, Gojyo slid his hand up under Hakkai's loose shirt, carefully avoiding the edges of his scar. Running his thumb over Hakkai's nipple, he smiled as Hakkai gasped and bucked against him.
"Please," Hakkai whispered, the word catching in his throat.
Gojyo trailed his lips along Hakkai's cheekbone and swirled his tongue over the curve of his ear before sucking on his earlobe. "Hmm?" he murmured, the sound a rumble in the back of his throat.
Hakkai whimpered and clutched at Gojyo's back. "Please..." he said again, more clearly this time, grinding his hips against Gojyo's.
Skimming his hand down Hakkai's side, Gojyo hooked his fingers beneath the waist of his loose pants and tugged. Hakkai wriggled out of his pants quickly with Gojyo's help, but left his shirt on. Shedding his own clothes, Gojyo rested his hand on Hakkai's thigh and glanced at the lamp.
"Will you take it off if I turn out the light?"
Hakkai's gaze flinched away and he folded his arms across his abdomen reflexively. Holding back a sigh, Gojyo trailed his fingers lightly up the inside of Hakkai's leg. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it all before, and in much worse state, but Hakkai's defensiveness about it had become a thoroughly ingrained habit. The rain always made it worse.
"It hurts," Hakkai said softly, shivering as Gojyo's fingers stroked his skin. "Aches..."
Leaning down, Gojyo kissed him lightly. "I'll be careful," he said, coaxing Hakkai into sitting up halfway. "You know I can."
Hakkai raised his arms and Gojyo tugged his shirt off and tossed it aside. Switching off the lamp, he stretched out over top of Hakkai again, supporting his weight on one elbow and knees as he let bare skin touch skin. Hakkai was as hard as he was and he moaned softly when Gojyo rolled his hips, grinding them together.
He moved slowly, exploring Hakkai's skin with his fingers and tongue. Hakkai shivered beneath him, tense at first but relaxing slowly into the pleasure Gojyo knew his touch was evoking. His lover melted by degrees, abandoning his attempts to direct Gojyo's attentions and finally allowing himself to simply indulge in the sensations. His hands slid down Gojyo's sides and fell to the bed without even curling to clutch the sheets. Tilting his head back, he bared his throat to Gojyo's exploring lips and almost purred when teeth nipped gently at the thin skin there.
The reaction disturbed Gojyo in a way he couldn't explain to himself. Flicking his tongue along Hakkai's chin, he pushed away thoughts of the dragon and the tiny scars he'd seen on Hakkai's neck and chest. Hakkai was completely his tonight, wanton and sexy and beautiful sprawled across the pale sheets.
Suddenly impatient, Gojyo reached for the lube, slicking his fingers and applying it liberally to his cock. Sliding his hand beneath Hakkai's butt, he pushed up gently. Hakkai moaned softly as he raised his legs and wrapped them around Gojyo's waist. Parting Hakkai's cheeks, he pushed forward slowly. He took his time, burying himself inch by inch within his lover's body, listening to Hakkai's soft sighs and moans.
"Gojyo," Hakkai whispered, reaching for him. He clutched at Gojyo's shoulders, pulling him down for a hungry kiss that turned into a battle of tongues and teeth as Gojyo began to thrust.
They moved against each other, faster, harder, breaking their kiss to grab gasping breaths before falling together again. A wave of pleasure built between them, washing back and forth with a hazy warmth that Gojyo recognized distantly from Hakkai's healing work. The flow of chi made every sensation more vivid, sending the wave cresting higher and higher, until Gojyo arched his back, thrust deep, and felt Hakkai shudder beneath him as they both came, almost at the same time.
They collapsed in a sticky, panting heap, and lay there listening to the drum of each other's hearts. Small content sounds escaped Hakkai, and Gojyo chuckled a little, pleased with himself and, more to the point, pleased that Hakkai was happy. He stroked damp hair off of Hakkai's face and kissed lips curved in a geniune smile.
"Mmm," Hakkai murmured, letting his legs drop.
Reluctantly, Gojyo pushed himself up enough to withdraw and flopped back down beside him. Hakkai rolled over onto his side, curling toward Gojyo. Tucking one arm under his neck and draping the other over his waist, Gojyo held him close. It took him a long time to find his voice again, but they answered each other's sounds of contentment without words.
"Guess working with chi has some... uh... side benefits," Gojyo said finally.
"Mmmhmm," Hakkai replied, smiling at him. His long fingers trailed down Gojyo's chest and Gojyo shivered at the trails of heat they left. "It just seemed natural..."
Gojyo chuckled and kissed him. "You're brilliant."
Hakkai smiled. "I'm glad you approve," he said quietly, returning the kiss.
Hugging him tight, Gojyo murmured an agreement. If this was what it took to thoroughly distract Hakkai from the rain, he was happy to oblige.
~*~*~
"It is not a matter of betraying her memory," Hakkai said softly, some time later. The words wanted to stick in his throat, but he forced them out.
Gojyo shifted a little on the bed, his arms wrapped loosely around Hakkai. The small motion said he was still awake, and listening. Hakkai closed his eyes, cleared his throat and waited for the darkness to continue what it had begun.
"She betrayed me," he found himself saying, his voice dark and low and tight with old emotion. "She was not strong enough... did not want to live... after everything." Unexpected anger curled through his limbs and his hands tightened into fists. (weak... how could she? ... gave up everything for her... she threw it all away...)
Silence then, at least in the room. The darkness in the back of his mind spoke on; incoherent fragments of sentences, and her name. A sound like rain threatened to drown out everything except a rising headache.
It is not raining here, he insisted.
Gojyo's hand moved, stroking lightly across his back and Hakkai shivered. "I always kinda figured she'd rather die than raise a half-breed," Gojyo said, so softly that it took Hakkai a moment to realize what he had said.
Pulling back, he raised his head and met Gojyo's eyes. "No," he whispered. "That child did nothing wrong. That child deserved to live." (like you did.) "I..." His throat closed up and his eyes were burning. Had Gojyo really thought..? It had never occurred to him. "I would have raised her child..." he said, willing Gojyo to hear what he wasn't saying.
It doesn't matter. It's just genetics. Love transcends that...
There was a world of pain in Gojyo's eyes to match his own. "Oh, Gojyo," he whispered, wrapping his arms around him in a fierce hug.
Gojyo clung to him, pressing his cheek against the top of Hakkai's head as Hakkai burrowed against his chest. A suspicious wetness dampened his hair and Gojyo's breathing grew ragged and rough. Hakkai held on tightly, willing and even hoping that Gojyo might manage to cry, even a little.
But after a long moment, Gojyo raised one hand to scrub at his face. "Sorry," he muttered.
Hakkai loosened his grip and raised his head again. "Nothing to be sorry about," he said quietly.
"Yeah, well, it's a stupid thing to cry about," Gojyo said. He rolled over onto his back, one arm still curled around Hakkai, the other flung up above his head.
"Not at all," Hakkai murmured, but didn't press the point. It was just a defensive coping mechanism, he knew. Just Gojyo's way of brushing things off so he could get a grip on them again. Laying his head on Gojyo's shoulder, he let his hand move in soothing strokes over the tangled chi of Gojyo's chest.
It wasn't long before they were both yawning and rearranged themselves for sleeping. With Gojyo's arm draped over him, Hakkai slept soundly, not even noticing the absence of his usual bed mate.
The rain had stopped by the time they got up the next morning, but everything was still wet. Including a sodden Jeep, parked beside the inn.
"You poor thing... why did you stay out all night?" Hakkai murmured, brushing a small puddle of water off the dash. Even the seats were wet and cold from the early Spring rain. Jeep shivered.
"Maybe he wanted a bath," Gojyo joked.
"Kyuu~u," Jeep said coldly. He gave a violent shake, like a dog shedding water from its coat.
Frowning, Hakkai returned to the inn to borrow a towel.
~*~*~
"Was the window not left open for him?" Hakkai asked, as they finally headed to the shop to pick up his new glasses.
Gojyo shrugged. "Thought it was."
The backfire that rocked the Jeep sounded suspiciously like an angry snort.
~*~*~
"I thought you were all right with it," Hakkai said, eyes fixed firmly on the muddy tracks that passed for a road to the monastery.
"I was -- I am --" Gojyo protested. "But apparently someone's not."
His protest was met with stoney silence for several minutes.
"You're blaming Hakuryuu, then," Hakkai said flatly.
Gojyo took a drag off his cigarette and blew a sharp sigh out through his teeth. "How's your shoulder?"
That earned him a brief, startled glance. "My --? ... Oh."
~*~*~
"Did you close the window last night?"
"Don't remember," Gojyo grunted, teeth clenched around his cigarette, eyes narrowed against the sun.
"You don't remember..."
The Jeep hit an invisible bump, rocking them both in their seats.
"I was a little distracted," Gojyo replied drily. "Remember?"
Hakkai's tanned skin hid any flush that might have risen to his cheeks, but the curve of his ear reddened above the silver of the top limiter. "Anh..." he said.
Gojyo smoked. Hakkai drove. And the air grew noticeably colder as the mud turned to snow beneath the Jeep's wheels.
~*~*~
It was well after dark by the time they arrived at the monastery. Neither had spoken in quite some time. Neither was inclined to speak for quite some time.
Stopping at the foot of the stairs, they climbed out of the Jeep and waited for Hakuryuu to transform. Several muffled "thumps" accompanied the transformation, and then Hakuryuu was winging his way up to the monastery, leaving Gojyo and Hakkai to stare at the backpacks that had been dumped on the flagstones.
Gojyo squinted at them, but they didn't go away. "Didn't think we'd loaded him that heavy," he grumbled, stooping to grab one of the packs.
"I don't think the weight was the issue," Hakkai said, his tone pleasantly flat.
Gojyo sighed.
~*~*~
"Good morning!" Hakkai said cheerfully, in that particular tone that said, "it is not, in fact, a good morning at all; nor did I have a good night -- thank you for not asking." Setting the tray of food on a low table beside Sanzo's futon, he knelt beside it.
Sanzo glared up at him mildly. "I don't care what you do in private, but you three need to get your shit together."
He watched the emotions flicker across Hakkai's face -- emotions that most would never see, that Hakkai himself probably thought safe behind his public face. Or maybe not, given how he ducked his head to hide behind the fall of his bangs.
At least he didn't laugh that damn falsely polite, self-mocking laugh.
"We need to be sure of who's got who's back," Sanzo continued, "At this stage of the journey we can't afford to change the dynamics of battle. So don't fuck this up."
Hakkai's head snapped up at that, and the look he shot Sanzo was dark and angry. Good. Better anger than that false calm surface of his.
"Of course," he murmured, and made as if to rise.
Sanzo let him get to his feet before adding, "I spoke to Goujun last night."
Hakkai tensed, holding himself very very still and yet seeming ready to bolt for the door at the slightest provocation. He recognized the name, then. What more did he know?
"He should be able to actually speak to you here, now," Sanzo said, rolling onto his side and propping himself up on one elbow. "I can feed myself, thanks."
And he was gone. Out the door so quickly, he might just have passed through it, like a ghost.
Which might not be so far wrong, Sanzo mused, sipping his tea.
~*~*~
A white fall of snow, flickering in and out of his vision. A pair of burning embers in the midst of rippling, shimmering white. A fall of silk and scales.... Crimson eyes bleeding anguish at him from a narrow, angular face; a manform face of sharp edges, hard planes, lingering scales.
"I... Please..." and other half-formed words, rasping from a throat that did not want to bear speech after so long. "I must speak... with Ko--" Stumbled over the name. Not at all the name he was expecting. "Konzen... Dou-ji..."
He dismissed the cigarette from the subjective space with a flick of his fingers, brushing them on his robes (his-not-his) to remove the feel of the ash-stick. "Lord Goujun?" he said quietly, questioning.
"Yesss..."
The dragon's relief was almost palpable and countered the rising sense of déjà vu that was clawing at him.
"You... know Heaven's... seals... Unbind me... my form... my Self..."
Konzen shook his head ever so slightly. "I do not know how to do what you ask."
Goujun wrapped arms (wings) around himself. "Goku... his limiter..."
"Instinct... and the power of Heaven. And that is binding, not loosing."
Not the whole truth... Sanzo murmured.
I do not lie, Konzen replied.
Sanzo (Kouryuu) stirred reluctantly behind him. Let me speak, then. As Konzen stepped aside, he said, "I will try."
It was Sanzo (Kouryuu) who knew the practicalities of dealing with seals (lessons in Buddhist talisman magic from a teacher lost twice over) (freeing a child sealed in a cave for 500 years) after all.
~*~*~
Goku slipped into the room not long after Hakkai left and came to sit quietly beside Sanzo. His stillness lasted for about thirty seconds before he started fidgeting. Sanzo flicked an annoyed glance at him.
"What's up with Hakkai?" Goku asked suddenly.
Sanzo shrugged one shoulder.
"He looked all... I dunno... spooked, or something, in the hall. And I think Gojyo's been up all night, drinking."
Rolling his eyes, Sanzo picked up the chopsticks and toyed with them for a moment. His hip was twingeing, ready to stage a full-scale protest if he stayed on his side.
He was damn tired of being stuck flat on his back all the time.
"They were fucking," he said. His tone surprised him, and Goku too.
"So?" Goku said, moving to kneel beside and support him while he attempted to sit up a little more. "You're mad at them for doing something we do?"
Something (someone) inside him flinched unexpectedly, and ripples of pain made him clench his teeth entirely too hard for a moment. "No," he finally grunted. His appetite, as little as it had been, was gone. The prospect of even the small bowl of soup was enough to turn his stomach. But it was a waste of effort to have sat up if he didn't eat.
"What is it, then?" Goku asked, sounding genuinely confused.
Sanzo shook his head and focused on breathing for a few moments until the pain subsided to a dull roar he could manage. There were any number of things he could say, if he could spare the breath. That there was fucking, and then there was sex, and then there was this thing other people believed in and liked to call love. That Gojyo probably thought it was the last one, that Hakkai probably fell somewhere in the middle, and that the only thing you could count on was the first one, because anything else got complicated.
That they were complicating things unnecessarily. That things had always been complicated.
That nothing (everything!) nothing had changed in five hundred years, when all the lives between were forgotten and they were left with bookends.
Not that he expected Goku to get it.
Not that he was going to say anything that would remind Goku of Heaven, and what had happened there. He could only assume the Dragon King would have enough sense to stay out of Goku's sight as well.
He remained silent, ate what he could, and subsided onto his back again. Goku, mercifully, held his peace until he left the room as silently as he'd come.
Sanzo fell asleep again, this time, without dreams.
~*~*~
Hakuryuu was still asleep where Hakkai had left him, curled up on the futon. He hadn't wanted to wake him, not after the long journey yesterday and the miserable night he'd had before that.
Moving across the room, he lay down beside Hakuryuu after a moment's debate. He was still quite tired himself, and wouldn't have arisen so early if not for the need to check on Sanzo.
"I spoke to Goujun last night."
Closing his eyes, Hakkai pillowed his head on his outstretched arm. Goujun... Dragon King of the Western Sea, Commander of the Western Army of Heaven... How did he know this? Why did he know this? And why did it make his chest ache so?
His head swam in a slow, dizzy whirl. A sure sign that he was overtired and still in need of sleep, if only for an hour. Perhaps he should ask Sanzo, later, but that would mean admitting certain things...
"I don't care what you do in private, but you three need to get your shit together."
...but perhaps Sanzo already knew.
He was too tired to think, too tired to reason coherently. Letting the drowsy dizziness sweep over him, he relaxed.
~*~*~
Shifting to a manform was difficult even with the seals removed, but he would not waste this opportunity. The soft sound of breathing beside him was not quite the even tones of deep sleep. "Tenpou," he whispered, stroking a hand gently over one cheek.
One green (brown) eye fluttered open, focusing on him slowly. The long lines of a tanned (pale) throat shifted as he swallowed heavily. "Commander," he whispered, turning his head. And then, "Goujun..." as one hand rose to reach for him.
Tenpou rolled onto his back, short, dark hair somehow giving the impression of spilling messily across the white sheet. His hand touched Goujun's cheek, thumb running lightly across the scales there.
Goujun pressed his cheek against Tenpou's palm, growling so soft and deep in his throat that it was almost a purr.
"It's been so long," Tenpou whispered, fingers sliding hesitantly toward Goujun's neck.
He had to close his eyes at that. It cut too close to his own thoughts... and fears. "Yes," he said, shifting his weight to lay half atop Tenpou. "Far too long..."
And yet he knew Tenpou could have no true idea of how long it had been, how long it had taken him to find him (to find them both -- his men, his duty to them) again. But Tenpou's fingers were digging at the back of his neck, and speech, though possible, was still not fluent, so he used a language more easily understood and claimed Tenpou's mouth for a hungry kiss.
His Tenpou whimpered and writhed beneath him, his hands clutching at Goujun's back. Their tongues met and tangled and danced; his teeth nipping at Tenpou's lips until they were swollen, and still it wasn't enough. He could still smell Kenren (Gojyo) on Tenpou's skin, still wanted, needed to reclaim what was his.
Pulling away from Tenpou's mouth, he hissed, "Mine," over the disappointed moan that escaped Tenpou. "Mine," he said again, as his mouth moved to that slender neck and sharp teeth broke the skin. The taste of blood was sharp and bright upon his tongue; just a drop or two, just enough, and he kissed Tenpou again, sharing the coppery tang.
"I am still yours," Tenpou whispered, when Goujun let him break away. "Always..."
It was enough. It was too tiring to stay like this. It would take practice.
He had time, now.
With a contented rumble, he laid his head on Tenpou's chest.
~*~*~
"But I need him, too..." Hakkai whispered, stroking one hand over the feathery ridge of fur on Hakuryuu's neck.
~*~*~
Goku found Hakkai in the kitchen between lunch and dinner, not surprisingly. None of the monks were using it at the moment, but then he hardly saw them around anywhere. Sitting quietly on the bench, he watched Hakkai's vaguely disorganized movements for a moment before speaking. "Was there a fight?" he asked.
Hakkai's shoulders tensed and he didn't turn away from the counter. "Not exactly, no," he replied after a moment.
It wasn't at all like Hakkai to be distracted in the kitchen. "What's wrong, then?" Goku persisted.
"Ah..." Hakkai murmured in that vague, polite way of his. "Nothing, really."
Blowing out an exasperated sigh, Goku leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. "Am I too stupid to understand?" he asked, unable to keep the petulant tones from his voice.
Ducking his head, Hakkai gave up on his half-hearted attempts to collect ingredients and came to sit beside Goku on the bench. "No, Goku," he said slowly, not smiling. "It is a difficult thing to explain and we barely understand it ourselves."
"Oh." He waited, not quite willing to accept that as an answer.
Hakkai's mouth narrowed into a thin line and his gaze sharpened on something that wasn't in the room at all. "Something about the mountain," he said slowly, "Has made us remember... things from past lives, it seems..."
"Us?" Goku echoed. Reincarnation was one of those things he'd heard too much about at the temple to not understand, but it just never seemed applicable to him personally.
"Myself, and Gojyo..." Hakkai's hands tightened, white-knuckled against each other. "And Hakuryuu."
"Oh," Goku said again. It didn't really explain anything; just left him with more questions, like who had they been and what were they remembering? Why was it making them fight? "I don't really get it..."
Sighing, Hakkai unlaced his fingers and rubbed at his forehead. "If I could explain it any better, I would," he said, "But as I said, we don't really understand it ourselves. But it's not a matter of you being stupid at all, Goku."
"Okay..." he said quietly.
Hakkai remained silent. Goku left shortly thereafter.
~*~*~
His head hurt, a vague, dull sort of ache that made it difficult to focus on anything. And his vision kept doing strange things -- fading to black and leaving him feeling like he kept missing moments in which nothing in particular happened. It didn't seem to be the new glasses, either, which had been a worrying thought.
He'd been trying to start a soup for supper, but the... disconnects, he supposed it was best to call them, kept interrupting him and he was uncertain exactly what he'd done already, or what still needed doing. Retreating to the bench, he sat down heavily, folded his arms on the table and rested his forehead on them. The darkness swam up again.
"Yo."
Glancing sideways over the curve of his arm, he blinked at the redhead with the lopsided grin.
"'Yo,' yourself," he replied, smiling a little. That grin was achingly familiar, though the face was made wrong by the scars across one cheek, and the hair.... He closed his eyes for a moment, pushed away a niggling protest (you can't be here. you're dead.) and struggled to convince his limbs to move.
Not having worn a body in over 500 years seemed to have affected his control somewhat.
Kenren -- and they didn't need to say each other's names to recognize and acknowledge each other -- seemed to be having similar difficulties. He leaned one elbow on the table, propping his chin in his hand.
Only Goujun's chi could possibly be more familiar to him, and just as unmistakable.
"I'm glad you're here," Tenpou whispered.
"Likewise."
On the one hand, it was enough to be here, this close; to feel the remembered warmth and solidity that was Kenren. On the other, he desperately wanted to embrace him, kiss him, tangle themselves together right here on the damn table. It had been so damn long since...
"But we died, didn't we?" Kenren asked, frowning absently.
"Difficult to be reincarnated otherwise," Tenpou agreed.
Silence and heat and he wanted so very badly...
"Konzen's been awake... around... whatever... for a while, though, hasn't he?"
Tenpou made a thoughtful noise and poked reluctantly at Hakkai's memories. Memories of events he had not truly shared, and yet.... "So it would seem. At least... Sanzo stopped denying he knew the name when Homura and his men insisted on using it."
"Yeah." Kenren shifted a little, his hand coming to rest hot and heavy on Tenpou's thigh. "And drawing on Heaven's power for Goku's limiter..." he pointed out.
"Hmm... he -- Sanzo, I mean -- had managed that before, though."
Kenren considered this while he rummaged through Gojyo's memories. "True," he said. "Or maybe he's been there all along? But, then why are we only just waking up?"
Tenpou shook his head and moved his hand far enough to push his glasses up. "I don't know. Perhaps the seals are loosening."
"But I thought we were dead."
"Anh... Dead and sealed? After all, they wouldn't have wanted us to remember why we ended up dead."
Kenren glowered. "No. Guess not."
Silence again, and each with his own thoughts and another's memories.
"This is tiring," Tenpou admitted finally, as his eyes slid closed and resisted opening again.
"Maybe it'll get easier," Kenren replied, but his voice -- the tones that were recognizable as his and not Gojyo's -- grew thin.
Tenpou made a wordless sound of agreement and loosed his hold on the physical.
The headache was blinding, almost migraine-like in proportions, but Hakkai pushed himself upright anyway. The wound in his abdomen ached fiercely for no reason he could discern, and his skin crawled and shivered.
"Ugh," Gojyo said, cradling his head, but sounding more bemused than upset.
Wrapping his arms tightly around himself, Hakkai struggled to push back the darkness, the sense of not-him within his own mind. "I cannot be human and youkai and kami all at once," he spat.
"Tell me about it," Gojyo agreed, somewhat pointedly.
Hakkai shook his head. "They do not belong here. They are supposed to have reincarnated..."
"Supposed to be us, you mean," Gojyo said. "But I'm not him."
"No," Hakkai agreed. "It makes no sense." Getting to his feet, he swayed only slightly and brushed off Gojyo's supportive hand. "I need to finish preparing the meal. Will you help?"
If he didn't think about it... didn't encourage this peculiar new brand of insanity... perhaps it would subside.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, a familiar shape laughed.
14 ~ Pieces
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gojyo couldn't stop yawning as he dried the dishes after supper.
Hakkai cast an amused sideways glance at him. "Tired?" Passing the last of the pots to Gojyo, he let the water out of the sink.
"Didn't... ah... get much sleep last night," Gojyo replied, managing to only interrupt himself once. More to the point, he hadn't gotten any sleep last night, and had only passed out sometime after dawn. It was a wonder he didn't have a raging hangover headache too, but for all that he'd drunk himself stupid, the effects hadn't lasted very long. Not that he was going to bring any of that up with Hakkai. They hadn't really resolved their argument from yesterday, after all.
Putting the pot back in the cupboard, he passed the towel to Hakkai.
"Ah," Hakkai murmured, drying his hands.
"'Sides," Gojyo added, around another yawn. "Still healing. Might've been over-doing things." He smiled wryly. Not that he really believed that. The sex had been so worth it, and probably helped him heal faster.
He wasn't expecting Hakkai to frown at that, but he did anticipate the healer reaching out to check the wound in his abdomen. Catching Hakkai's wrist, he stopped the motion short. "It's okay," he said. "It's healing fine. You don't need to rush things. Save your energy for the monk."
"Gojyo," Hakkai protested, still frowning.
"I'm gonna turn in," he said quickly, before Hakkai could start apologizing.
The healer let his hands fall to his sides and ducked his head in a quick nod. "Sleep well, then."
Gojyo tried not to sigh. Even if Hakkai had wanted to talk, he was too tired to cut through his circular reasoning tonight. Any conversation they might try to have could only end badly when his patience wore out and Hakkai's walls went back up. Tugging gently on Hakkai's wrist, he pulled him close enough for a quick kiss and then released him.
"G'night," he murmured.
~*~*~
Hakkai paused outside the door to Sanzo's room, suddenly reluctant to knock. He needed to retrieve the dishes from the dinner Goku had brought up earlier, and he'd prepared a fresh pot of tea. Normal enough activities for an evening. And yet...
...don't fuck this up...
Shaking his head, he smoothed his expression and let himself into the room.
Sanzo was half sitting up, leaning back against a heap of pillows that seemed to increase in number daily. It must be Goku's doing, though it was anyone's guess where he was scavenging the pillows from.
"Good evening," Hakkai said, cheerfully enough, as he knelt beside Sanzo's futon.
Sanzo grunted a non-reply. He hadn't eaten much of the meal, Hakkai noticed, but at least he had eaten some of it. Putting the dishes on the tray, he moved it out of the way beside the door, then returned to pour tea.
"I apologize for this morning," Hakkai said, handing a tea cup to Sanzo. "I was..." He had to stop and hunt for a word and still couldn't come up with anything better than, "...surprised."
"Hn." Grimacing slightly, Sanzo shifted his weight. "You ran away so fast that I didn't get a chance to tell you he also asked me to pass on his apologies for injuring you."
"Ah," Hakkai murmured, studying his tea cup. He squashed the urge to protest that he had not been running away. He had, and Sanzo knew it. There was no point in lying to himself about it.
"Did you speak to him yet?" Sanzo asked.
It was hard to read his tone, but Hakkai thought he might be genuinely curious. "No," he replied softly. "Although... perhaps Tenpou did." Feeling the weight of Sanzo's gaze on him, he raised his head.
"You're not aware of him?"
"Not really," Hakkai replied shortly.
"Lucky you," Sanzo muttered.
Neither of them felt like continuing the conversation in that direction.
"I want a smoke," Sanzo growled, fixing an annoyed look on Hakkai. The look also said I know you bought them. Stop holding out.
He smiled placatingly and refilled their cups. "Your lung is not fully healed yet. Please be patient."
"Tch. Why are you so damn concerned this time?"
Tilting his head slightly sideways, Hakkai considered the pale gold tea. "Your heart stopped," he said finally. "I did not save you only to let you kill yourself again so soon."
Sanzo had no answer for that. They sipped tea in silence.
But silence gave Hakkai too much time to think, and his thoughts turned inevitably back to the mountain and what he had done to save Sanzo. The knowledge that he could heal while in that form was unsettling, powerfully disturbing. He could not consider the circumstances without feeling the beginning of a... a hunger, he supposed he should call it. A desire for the depth of that energy, that vast pool of strength that was not his, but flowed through him.
Youkai energy... Power he knew barely anything about, could only control instinctively. Power that was not his, and yet he'd given it to Sanzo, replacing the power he'd been pouring out as he fought the elements.
"You may want to do something to... cleanse your energy," Hakkai said thoughtfully, as if it were an idea that had just occurred to him and not one that he had spent some time deliberating.
Sanzo snorted. "I don't have enough energy at the moment to do anything with, let alone recycle it."
"No, I suppose not," Hakkai agreed. "That wasn't exactly what I meant, however," he added, somewhat reluctantly.
Sanzo let the silence hang between them before finally prompting impatiently, "And what, exactly, did you mean, then?"
He should not have brought it up, should never have dared broach the topic with Sanzo, and yet, he could not go on deceiving him. "I meant," he began, and had to stop to clear his throat. "Because I...."
He flicked a nervous glance at Sanzo, and found violet eyes watching him steadily. He had to clear his throat again and remind himself that Sanzo would not kill him for what was already done before he could continue.
"When I healed you... on the mountain... I... removed my limiters."
Sanzo made a quiet sound and his hair rustled against the pillow as he turned his head away. "So?" he said quietly, when Hakkai hesitated.
It was almost more worrisome that Sanzo was not angry with him. "Well," Hakkai said, setting aside the tea cup and folding his hands together to keep himself from fidgeting. "Youkai energy... contaminating yours... it kept you alive, but still... I thought you would want to..."
He glanced up nervously and found Sanzo watching him again. He waited, trying not to cringe in anticipation of the angry vitriol he was certain Sanzo was preparing.
"You've used your chi to heal me before. Your youkai form is still you. It is not a curse," Sanzo said quietly.
Hakkai breathed out a sigh that was almost a laugh. "I do realize that, but..." He had no valid argument beyond his own fear and uncertainty.
"Tch. But you think it's tainted somehow?"
"No... I...." He was contradicting himself, a point which Sanzo seemed determined to make painfully obvious. Shaking his head, he stared down at his interlaced fingers. "I do not believe that youkai are inherently evil," he said. Youkai as a race were not; he'd come to believe that over the past few years. But he was an exception to the rule, a changeling, and what he had done to become youkai....
"Good," Sanzo said shortly, interrupting his thoughts.
There was a wealth of loaded meaning in that single word, including because if you hadn't figured that one out by now, you're too stupid to continue this journey. Hakkai found himself smiling a painful, tight smile.
"So what's the problem?"
"Ah," he murmured, forcing himself to shift his analysis from himself to the situation. "I suppose," he said slowly, "that it is the circumstances of my... transformation... which have led me to believe that myself, in the particular, am somehow inherently... not evil, perhaps, but... unnatural." Unbalanced, something that shouldn't be...
His inexact explanation was met with a long silence.
"I can't help you with that," Sanzo said finally.
Hakkai shook his head. "I would not ex--"
"But you might want to talk to Gojyo about it."
Hakkai blinked, replayed the words in his own mind, and found they held the same meaning he'd first interpreted. "I do not think he thinks overly much about the process of being himself."
"You might be surprised," Sanzo said. "Considering how he has to walk in both worlds."
Tilting his head to one side, Hakkai smiled somewhat ruefully. "Perhaps you are right." It hadn't occurred to him. He had been too caught up in his worries, his peculiar self-centered fears, to consider the balancing act perpetually required of Gojyo. "Thank you," he added, after a moment.
~*~*~
In the hallway, Hakkai paused to lean against the wall, overcome by a sudden wave of dizziness and a feeling of drowning in darkness.
Stop it! he hissed. His fingers curled, nails scratching against the wall.
I don't mean to make this difficult, Tenpou replied, sounding far too amused.
But he lost his balance anyway, and it was Tenpou who slowly walked the short distance to his room.
Goujun was waiting for him, as he'd had a feeling he would be. The dragon king was sitting on the futon, wearing a simple white robe that still managed to evoke his courtly attire. He had an air of meditative silence that Tenpou was loathe to disturb. Closing the door behind him, he crossed the room and sat at the dragon's feet. Crimson eyes opened and focused on him after a moment.
"Commander," he said, by way of greeting.
Goujun snorted. "You know you do not need to call me that anymore."
Tenpou smiled slightly. "Habit, I'm afraid. Something familiar to fall back upon."
Nodding an agreement, Goujun beckoned to him. Tenpou stretched out beside him, happily laying his head in the dragon king's lap. Fingers stroked through his hair, soothing both of them with the familiar remembered comfort of each other.
"Are you well?" Tenpou asked after a while.
"Well enough, I suppose," Goujun replied thoughtfully. "It was such a struggle to regain my sense of Self... I hope I did not injure you too badly. I did not intend it, but I do accept responsibility for it."
"I'm fine," Tenpou said, turning his head so he could glance up at Goujun. "I've recovered from much worse."
Goujun smiled fondly at him, and yet there was a bitterness in his eyes. "Yet you are no longer immortal. Wounds are not something you can dismiss so easily."
Tenpou shrugged one shoulder. "Hakkai heals nearly as fast as a kami. It's all right."
"Do not take it for granted."
"I am not, truly," Tenpou assured him. Goujun's fingers tightened in his hair, wordlessly accepting. "Besides," he added after a moment, "he enjoys the pain, too... perhaps even needs it on some level, more than I do." Rolling onto his back, he studied Goujun for a moment. "But I think you already know that."
Goujun made a considering noise, but didn't reply.
"How long have you been... aware?" Tenpou asked, a few moments later.
"In any true sense? Only since we entered the mountain. It seems something there... changed things."
"Ah." Hakkai's memories of the mountain were fuzzy at best, pushed away into a corner where Tenpou wasn't supposed to reach. And yet some of it was unavoidable. He had spoken to Konzen while they were there, after all, though he hadn't had the strength to recognize himself as himself.
"Reality is... shifting," Goujun continued quietly. "You know we... dragons... have a different relationship to it." He glanced down and Tenpou nodded.
"Does it even exist?" Tenpou asked.
"The mountain? I believe so. And yet, it may be something that they have not yet encountered, that they may never encounter."
Tenpou frowned. "A pocket of space that's bent... at right angles to where they were?"
Goujun leaned back against the wall and sighed. "It is real, but it is not real. Time is no longer linear here."
"Homura," Tenpou muttered.
"Hmm?"
He pushed himself up to sit beside Goujun. "The War Prince was trying to create a new Heaven and Earth. They stopped him, but at what cost? Is this one of the repercussions? That there are pockets of some other world, some other reality, intruding upon theirs, and they have wandered into one?"
"Not wandered," Goujun said softly. "It may be necessary; a part of their journey."
"Hn." He was craving a smoke, but of course Hakkai had no cigarettes. If only Gojyo had left a pack in the room... ah, there. His need pushed away the mild concern of why he hadn't noticed it before, or when Gojyo had been in Hakkai's room since they'd been to town to get smokes. There were even matches beside the lamp. The monastery was in the middle of nowhere and not wired for electricity, of course, although that didn't explain the electric stove he'd tried to help Hakkai cook with... cook on... whatever... earlier that evening.
Pulling a cigarette from the pack, he lit it, stuck it between his lips, and took a deep drag.
And promptly succumbed to a coughing fit.
Goujun gave him an amused but mildly reproving glance. "He doesn't smoke."
"Tch. I do realize that," Tenpou muttered. That didn't stop him from taking another, cautious, drag once he'd stopped coughing.
"Is it worth it?"
Tenpou narrowed his eyes at him and didn't answer. "This mountain, then," he said finally. "We're on the wrong side of it?"
"There is no 'wrong' side," Goujun replied. "And yet, I believe we are not in the same stream of time as we were before."
Blowing smoke at the ceiling Tenpou stared into the middle distance. "And the only way out is back through it, again?"
"Perhaps. I suspect we cannot continue the journey until we go back."
Tenpou made a considering noise. Getting to his feet, Tenpou wandered over to the window, finished his cigarette and tossed the butt out the window.
"You should speak to Kenren," he said, turning from the window.
Goujun blinked at him, looking nonplussed at the change of topic.
"You two hardly gave each other a fair chance. He deserves better from you."
"Marshal--" Goujun began warningly.
"Nope," Tenpou replied, with a disarmingly innocent smile. "I'm not, either."
"Ah." Goujun sighed. "Very well... but not tonight."
"No," Tenpou conceded. "But soon."
The dragon king nodded.
Smiling, Tenpou returned to the futon and stretched out beside Goujun. "Are you going to stay sitting there all night?" he asked, trailing his fingers down Goujun's thigh.
Instead of answering, Goujun leaned over him and blew out the lamp. The soft sound of cloth rustling filled the room as they both shed their clothes. Removing his glasses, Tenpou set them out of the way on the night-table and stretched out on his back. Closing his eyes, he sighed contentedly as Goujun's familiar weight settled on top of him.
"It seems a bit ridiculous to say, given that I haven't been aware of time passing for... five hundred years or more, is it? But I have missed you terribly," Tenpou said softly.
Goujun's velvety soft tongue traced the length of his neck and he tilted his head back with a soft sigh.
"I have missed you also," Goujun murmured.
Running his hands down Goujun's back, Tenpou trailed his fingers lightly over the ridge of feathery fur along his spine. Goujun moved against him, sinuous and warm, and memories of times together flooded back with a sharp, bittersweet clarity. Moving one hand to Goujun's face, he brushed his thumb across the ridge of scales on his cheek. Goujun rumbled an almost-purr and leaned into Tenpou's touch.
Pushing gently, Tenpou turned his head back and claimed his lips for a kiss that quickly turned into a battle of tongues and teeth. Goujun's fangs were sharper than Tenpou's teeth, but he was still careful not to draw blood. His teeth caught Tenpou's lower lip, worrying at it gently, and Tenpou arched against him with a ragged gasp. Bucking his hips, he moaned at the friction of his erection against Goujun's abdomen.
With a flick of his tongue across Tenpou's lips, Goujun released him and moved his mouth downwards. Tracing a wet line down his neck, the dragon caught the skin over his jugular with sharp teeth. Tenpou shivered, turning his head away to bare his throat further. But Goujun didn't linger there. Moving downwards again, he curled his tongue over one nipple, then the other, before raising his head, leaving Tenpou keening softly in frustration.
Opening his eyes, Tenpou gazed up at Goujun as the dragon shifted onto his knees. The moonlight made his white skin faintly luminescent and ethereal.
"You're so beautiful," Tenpou whispered, reaching for him.
Goujun pushed his hand away and grasped his hip instead. Sharp claws dug in just a little as he tugged. Tenpou gasped softly, but rolled over onto his front quickly. With Goujun's weight pressing down on him, he relaxed completely, almost melting into the futon.
Raising his hips as far as he was allowed, he pushed against Goujun impatiently. The dragon growled softly, deep in his throat, as he pressed forward. Tenpou's breath caught in his throat and he held his breath until Goujun was buried inside him, filling him more completely than he ever remembered. Hakkai's body wasn't accustomed to the dragon's size, and the fullness pushed him to the edge of almost-pain-pleasure.
Sharp teeth caught the nape of his neck, and he bent his head down, face sideways against the mattress as Goujun began to thrust.
The rhythm of their bodies together was instinctive, familiar and never forgotten. Like waves on the ocean, moving in rising swells, cresting higher and higher as they raced towards the shore. It was rhythm of need without desperation; a pattern of endlessly moving toward the inevitable, and when the waves came crashing down, they were both swept under by the strength of completion.
Goujun collapsed on top of him, boneless and sinuous. His tongue bathed Tenpou's neck once before he turned his head to rest his cheek on Tenpou's shoulder. They stayed that way for some time, until Tenpou yawned and Goujun withdrew with a rumbling chuckle. Stretching out beside him, he stroked one hand gently through Tenpou's hair.
Tenpou yawned again and smiled sleepily, murmuring "good night..."
...and leaving Hakkai blinking at a white-skinned stranger in his bed.
"Please excuse me," Hakkai said abruptly, rolling off the futon and getting to his feet. He grabbed a robe from the floor, wrapped it hastily around himself, and fumbled with the door handle.
How dare you? he hissed at Tenpou, as he stumbled down the hallway to the bathroom. But there was no answer beyond a pervasive feeling of sleepy satisfaction.
Closing the door behind him, he leaned back against it and took a ragged breath. His head was aching fiercely, waves of darkness swimming across his less-than perfect vision. The absence of his glasses added to his feeling of unexpected vulnerability, but he hadn't known where they were and had not wanted to take the time to locate them.
There were claw-marks on his arms; nothing worse than he'd endured (enjoyed) before, certainly, but his skin throbbed and ached, insistently reminding him of their presence. Beneath the silver cuffs, his ear felt hot and swollen, which was a reaction he couldn't even begin to comprehend.
Except he could, if he stopped lying to himself, because it was that deep darkness, that dead part of himself that desired....
(make it hurt. make me bleed. i deserve this... please...)
He shook his head sharply, though it did not dislodge the not-quite-a-voice of his thoughts. He had no right. No place.
Have nothing. Hold nothing. Be--
He slumped against the door, head bowed in defeat. He couldn't finish it, couldn't summon the energy to enforce the mantra he'd used against caring, against attachment. Against desire.
His own fault, really. He'd discarded it for Gojyo.
The wound in his abdomen ached in counterpoint to his head. He sighed heavily and folded his arms over it. He had Gojyo, and that must be enough. Whatever Tenpou had with Goujun, it was something of the past and -- regardless of how it ached to admit it -- nothing of his.
Besides, the way they treated Hakuryuu... Jeep.... His ears flushed hotly at the thought of their journey and he cringed a little inside. It was shameful really. It would not surprise him if Goujun did not even wish to speak to him directly.
If he did not wish to continue the journey....
But Hakuryuu was his. Hakuryuu loved him unconditionally. (the way a pet would.) No. It was more than that. (but less than--)
He squashed the thought ruthlessly and forced himself to move to the sink. Splashing cold water over his face only seemed to emphasize the ache of jagged edges in his mind. His balance was crumbling. He was standing in the middle of the shards of his mirrors as they fell, reflecting only fragments of himself back at him. The past -- in its many layers -- was too close, drowning out the present and obscuring....
He'd go back to the bedroom, find only a small, white dragon curled up on the sheets, and forget that he'd ever seen anything else.
But he didn't think he'd sleep any time soon.
Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, Gojyo watched the sunlight begin to drive away the shadows and wondered if Hakkai was awake yet. His stomach grumbled, proof that he wasn't going to get away with his own cooking this morning.
I could cook, someone offered.
He glanced around the room even though he knew perfectly well where the voice was coming from. Closing his eyes, he tried not to think about what he was doing as he went looking for the speaker.
A black-haired man with a face that was entirely too familiar (but not scarred, at least) grinned at him around a cigarette. Yo, he said, waving one gloved hand.
You're Kenren, then? Made sense now that Homura's men had kept insisting on calling him that. Still pissed him off, though. Like he'd ever join an army, let alone Heaven's army.
The rambunctious general, Kenren replied, with a smirk that was a carbon-copy of his own.
...including the lower half of the body, they said simultaneously, and laughed.
How's that work now? Gojyo asked curiously. Am I supposed to be you?
Kenren shrugged. Don't really know. The Marshal thinks we might have gotten both sealed and reincarnated. Mortals generally don't remember lives from one incarnation to the next, but Heaven wasn't likely to take any chances with us.
Gojyo considered that for a moment. Your memories of being yourself were sealed, you mean? So when you reincarnated, those stayed separate, didn't become part of... you... me?
Seems like.
But you're here now anyway, seals or not, Gojyo pointed out, opening his eyes to find his smokes and lighter. The awareness of Kenren shifted but didn't fade. Hakkai's the insane one, you know, he added.
You're not insane, Kenren replied seriously. Yeah, this is weird as hell, but it's not like having some complete stranger in your head, right?
Blowing a stream of smoke at the ceiling, Gojyo narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. You... feel too familiar to be a stranger.
Exactly, Kenren said, smiling a little.
Does that mean we'll end up... blending together?
Kenren looked startled at that. No offense, but I hope not. I kinda like being me, you know?
Yeah, Gojyo replied. Guess you would.
They both smoked in silence, keeping their thoughts to themselves.
So, breakfast? Kenren asked, a few moments later.
Gojyo made a face. I can't cook.
So let me.
His stomach growled again, deciding the issue.
~*~*~
The aroma of freshly-brewed coffee filled the air from the pot Kenren had put on as soon as he entered the kitchen. Gojyo had no idea where the hell the monks had gotten a coffee-maker from but decided not to question it, like the rest of the almost weird shit that had been going on since they arrived.
Gojyo watched over Kenren's shoulder as the former general chopped onions, mushrooms, and peppers with neat, quick strokes.
Where'd you learn to cook? he asked, taking a mental step back as Kenren's knife paused.
Oh, I'm full of surprises, Kenren replied as he scraped the diced vegetables off the cutting board and into a hot, oiled frying pan. The Marshal never ate unless someone reminded him to, and he'd never make it as far as the mess hall, so... He shrugged, brushing back a stray lock of crimson hair with the back of his hand.
You cooked for him? Gojyo tried not to sound incredulous, but it was hard. Even his best attempts at cooking were only tolerable if you were being polite. But he's... I mean... Hakkai....
Speaking of, Kenren murmured, flicking a glance toward the doorway. Your man is too good-looking for his own good, he added, turning his attention to the eggs.
Gojyo had no coherent reply for that, which just made Kenren chuckle. Hakkai stepped quickly into the kitchen, his body language expressing his concern over the cooking for him. Kenren just smiled.
"Well," Hakkai said, after watching Kenren efficiently cracking and beating the eggs while keeping an eye on the pan, "it seems that the cooking lessons have been sinking in, after all."
Gojyo tried not to groan and sunk into the background a little further. Giving the vegetables a stir, Kenren smirked at Hakkai. "Just who do you think is rubbing off on who, here?"
Hakkai blinked at him and he could almost see the thought process the healer went through of putting the pieces together. "Anh..." Hakkai began. "That would depend upon who I am assuming you to be, it would seem?"
Again the smirk, as he poured the eggs over the vegetables. "Seems so."
Gojyo breathed out a soft, wordless exhalation and slouched.
What? Kenren asked, but Gojyo just shook his head, watching the scene from behind his own eyes.
"Kenren, is it?" Hakkai asked.
"Yup." With a practiced flip of the wrist, Kenren flipped the omelette over in the pan.
"And Gojyo?" Hakkai inquired, moving around him to the cupboard that held the tea cups.
"Is staying out of the way so he 'doesn't ruin things'."
Oi! Gojyo protested.
'S what you said.
Yeah, but you don't gotta tell him that.
"Ah." Picking up the kettle, Hakkai filled it with cold water.
Kenren snickered. That's not gonna work if the Marshal's anywhere near awake.
And sure enough, a few moments later, Hakkai was leaning against the counter with freshly steaming coffee. In his tea cup. With an annoyed sigh, he closed his eyes.
His posture changed subtly, turning from Hakkai's inward-curled defeated slump to what Gojyo could only think of as an arrogant slouch. His expression, when he opened his eyes again and glanced at Kenren, was definitely on the smug side of satisfied.
That's creepy, Gojyo muttered.
What? The Marshal? Yeah, he's a creepy bastard, Kenren joked, sliding the omelette onto a plate.
No, that's not what I meant. Them just switching places like that.... Gojyo frowned and gave a helpless shrug. It's just weird.
Ah. Aloud, he said, "'Morning," to Tenpou, who grunted a reply and focused on his coffee. He's a hard one to get along with, he added, to Gojyo.
Gojyo scowled and kept his thoughts to himself.
~*~*~
Breakfast turned into a rather haphazard but cheerful affair when Goku showed up a few minutes after Hakkai did. There was a moment of almost coordinated panic while Hakkai and Gojyo swapped places with Tenpou and Kenren, and Hakkai took over cooking. Goku stared at them in frustrated confusion, looking like he was about to declare that they were acting weird, until Gojyo handed him a plate of food.
The four of them had an almost instantaneous unspoken agreement that no one was going to do anything to remind Goku of Heaven, and what had happened there.
With disaster averted, things slid back into as close to a normal routine as they had these days. Gojyo and Goku bickered over the food while Hakkai cooked. Bits of green pepper and onion got picked out of the omelettes and used as projectile weapons until Hakkai politely insisted they would have to clean up the mess they were making. Then it became a brawl of fists and familiar accusations.
The only thing missing was Sanzo. Or rather, Sanzo, his gun, and his fan.
"Where you goin', Hakkai?" Goku exclaimed, squirming out of Gojyo's grasp.
Glancing down at the tray in his hands, Hakkai smiled. "I was going to take breakfast up for Sanzo."
Goku crossed the space between them far too quickly. "Coffee and tea?" he said, frowning at the tray and Hakkai.
"Ah... I thought he might like a choice. It has been quite a while since he had coffee, after all."
"Yeah, I guess..." Goku replied. "Maybe he'll like it better. He hasn't been eating much."
"I know," Hakkai said quietly. "Would you like to take the tray up for him?"
Goku hesitated. "Sometimes... it seems like he eats less when I'm around. I'm not making him sick, am I?"
Hakkai exchanged a startled glance with Gojyo, who'd joined them. "No, no, of course not, Goku. I suspect it is just that his injuries make eating uncomfortable."
Ducking his head, Goku sighed. "Yeah, you're probably right."
"Go on, take his food up, knucklehead," Gojyo said, leaning in to punch Goku lightly in the shoulder. "And don't eat it on the way."
"Stupid kappa!" Goku exclaimed, with a spark of his usual energy. "I wouldn't eat Sanzo's food. He's gotta eat to get stronger." Taking the tray from Hakkai, he turned and headed for the stairs.
Gojyo lit a smoke and stared after him for a moment. When he remained silent and unmoving, Kenren stepped around him, stole his cigarette and refrained from slinging his arm around Hakkai.
You all right? he asked Gojyo.
Gojyo shivered faintly. Yeah, he muttered. Just a little dizzy or somethin'.
Kenren narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. Get some rest if you want.
Yeah, maybe, Gojyo agreed, fading into the background.
"Let's go for a walk," Kenren said aloud.
"We should clean up first," Hakkai protested, turning to move toward the sink.
"And I'd usually be the first to tell you so," Kenren replied, chuckling. "But it's not like anyone else uses this kitchen. It'll keep a while."
Hakkai stared off into space just long enough to indicate there was an argument going on. After a moment, he made a gesture of mixed resignation and annoyance and nodded. "Fine," he said shortly, but his frustration seemed directed inwards rather than at Kenren. "We should get our jackets."
~*~*~
Sanzo was pissed off.
So was Konzen, but neither of them really gave a shit about what the other was feeling.
Except when it came to Goku.
Because when it came to Goku, what Sanzo felt for him was enough to make Konzen ill, and since they were forced to share a body, it made Sanzo ill. And that pissed him off.
He's just a kid, Konzen protested, for what had to be about the thousandth time. It's wrong.
Lighting a smoke (because if the rules of reality were bendable, then he was damn well going to bend them in his favour and have his cigarettes and lighter despite Hakkai's efforts to hide them), Sanzo glared at the window. He's a fucking teenager. With all of a teenager's appetites.
Konzen's lips twisted in disgust.
What, that never occurred to you? That he'd grow up someday?
I didn't really have time to think about it, Konzen snapped.
Sanzo glared at him. You were so busy not fighting for your life that you never stopped to treat him as more than just a pet.
Konzen's hands curled into fists, but he folded his arms across his chest. As if your way is any better. He's just a --
A knock at the door interrupted them.
"What?" Sanzo snapped.
"It's Goku. I have breakfast for you."
He relaxed back against the pillows marginally. "Fine."
Don't you dare presume to know what he is to me, he hissed at Konzen, as Goku carried in a tray. Just shut the fuck up and go away.
I'm here all the time, aware all the time. You know that, Konzen replied, not making a move to step back.
A familiar scent distracted him and he blinked at Goku. "Coffee?"
Goku smiled somewhat tentatively. "Yeah. Gojyo made some, I guess. Hakkai thought you might want it for a change."
His eyes narrowed at the tray. "And tea, as well?"
Sitting back on his heels, Goku shrugged. "I thought it was weird, but Hakkai --"
Tenpou, more likely. He knows I won't touch that stuff, Konzen interjected.
Shut. Up.
"Sanzo?"
Forcing his attention back to Goku, he scowled at the worried expression on his face. "What?"
"Are you --"
"Don't ask stupid questions." He was still in the habit of reaching for his fan.
It was still missing.
Sanzo started to reach for the coffee mug instead, but when Konzen muttered something about unnecessary violence, he diverted the motion. Grasping the back of Goku's neck, he tugged him forward, crushing their lips together in a fierce kiss. Goku sprawled over him, eliciting a grunt of pain from Sanzo, but adapted quickly and fluidly into a more comfortable position kneeling over Sanzo's lap.
Konzen's voice faded out of Sanzo's awareness as he focused intently on Goku. The taste of eggs and spices lingering on his lips and tongue made Sanzo truly hungry for the first time in what seemed like far too long. Goku's hands fisted in his shirt as Sanzo slid his palm over Goku's ass. They broke apart, breathing heavily, and Goku whimpered faintly when Sanzo started to pull his hand away.
"Please..." he whispered, golden eyes wide and needy. "It's been so long."
"My breakfast will get cold," Sanzo pointed out, pushing Goku off his lap. His hips were beginning to protest. He shifted his weight carefully, trying not to grimace.
Goku moved to kneel beside him, handing him plate and fork. "After, then?"
The silence in his head was relief enough for him, but not for Goku, obviously. "We'll see," he replied.
~*~*~
"It's been how long since we first arrived here and no one has properly scouted out our base camp, never mind done patrols?" Kenren said, as he and Tenpou headed down a set of stairs to the monastery's courtyard.
Pausing at the foot of the stairs, Tenpou waited while Kenren twisted Gojyo's hair back into a ponytail. "Hmm... good question," he replied slowly.
"Huh?" Kenren turned to follow the path to his left, stopped, and waited for Tenpou to explain himself.
The Marshal moved forward with an easy, even stride, gaze sweeping sharply over the path and the encroaching mountains. "How long has it been?"
"Uh, lessee..."
The monastery was large, forming a neatly contained square extending almost up to the sheer wall of the mountain against its back. The path around it was clearly marked with stones, but covered with a layer of ice and snow that spoke of disuse. With the mountain on three sides, there was no fear of anything other than the obvious frontal assault, unless the youkai attempted an aerial attack.
"A week?" Kenren said finally.
"Really?" Picking his way slowly across a particularly icy stretch, Tenpou paused. "I would have thought at least two, perhaps three." Reaching into his coat pockets, he fumbled around until he found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and busied himself with lighting one.
I don't smoke! Hakkai protested, fighting for control of his own hands.
And I've been very good about not indulging, haven't I? Squinting down at the ground, Tenpou stuck the cigarette back between his lips and tucked his hands in his pockets.
That doesn't mean --
Just one? he said, not quite pleading, knowing he had the upper hand. Literally. Surely it can't hurt. Compared to all the secondhand smoke you're forced to breathe, its nothing.
There was a stony silence in response. Fine, Hakkai conceded angrily, after a brief, pointless struggle for control. He hadn't even managed to get the cigarette out of his mouth, let alone force Tenpou to put it out. But only one.
Tenpou smiled and exhaled a stream of smoke.
"Marshal?"
Glancing up, he found Kenren stopped some distance ahead of him, watching him with a mixture of amusement and familiar frustration.
"Anh? Sorry. The footing is a little treacherous here," Tenpou said, gesturing with his cigarette as he started walking again.
Kenren snorted. "You mean you stopped to light a smoke and forgot what you were doing, right?"
"Mmm, not exactly," Tenpou demurred, catching up with him.
"What, then?"
Tenpou shook his head and turned his attention to inspecting the brick of the monastery.
Kenren sighed. "You were arguing with Hakkai, weren't you?"
"He doesn't smoke," Tenpou said primly. "I know. Though I dare say it would do him some good if he did."
"How d'you figure? Kinda goes against his lifestyle."
"Have you seen any of the monks recently?" Tenpou asked, running one gloved hand over the wall.
"Eh? Oh. Not since we got back from town," Kenren admitted.
"Hakkai passed one in the hallway this morning. He looked... thin, or ghostly, and judging by his expression, Hakkai must have looked the same to him."
Kenren frowned. "Diverging timelines?"
"So it would seem," Tenpou replied quietly.
~*~*~