Simply Love by OptiMoose

Index

Chapter 1: Stormbringer
Chapter 2: Simply Love
Chapter 3: Backwash
Chapter 4: Innocent Love
Chapter 5: Patched Love
Chapter 6: Inundation
Chapter 7: Scarred Love
Chapter 8: Windfall
Chapter 9: Delisquescence
Chapter 10: Dessication
Chapter 11: Inclemency
Chapter 12: Permafrost
Chapter 13: Precipitation

Chapter 1: Stormbringer

Disclaimer: "Gensomaden Saiyuki, Saiyuki: Reload, Saiyuki: Gaiden" and all of its characters were created by Kazuya Minekura. They belong to her and were used without prior permission. No profit is made through this story.

Author's note: English isn't my first language, and this story isn't betaed. I apologize for any inconveniences caused by this.

Constructive criticism, feedback and flames (directed at the story) are welcome. However, if you flame me as a person, I'll send Gyoukumen after you. You have been warned.

Warning: This story is not shonen-ai, Boy's Love, Yaoi or slash. It's also not a story that will lead to any of them becoming lovers. Thanks for accepting this.

Additional Warning: This story contains bad language and violence. Proceed at your own risk.

Simply Love

By Birgit "Lee" Kohls

Mai 2004

Any person sane in their mind could see it. The small jeep wasn't meant to transport four grown ups for any longer period of time. Between their luggage and themselves, the passengers were uncomfortably squeezed into the remaining space. Their bodies cramped from trying to bounce off potholes and rough terrain as they rushed along the landscape at breakneck speed. Cigarettes, sweat and testosterone created an ungodly smell that the four had long since learned to ignore, and fortunately the car had no roof anyway. Pop music poured from the loud speakers, mixed with static fizzing when they left the transmission range of the local radio station, but the constant arguing from the back seat made it hard to tell the difference.

Cho Hakkai didn't mind the bickering in general. Bickering on the back seat meant that everything was all right between those two members of the group, just as it should be. Lively and peaceful. Nothing to worry about, just the every-day 'I'm hungry' scenario. However, the constant kicks and punches that hit the back of his seat were a different matter. Not that it hurt much, only enough to be noticeable and leave the occasional bruise, but it made him lose his grip on the steering wheel. Also, next to him Sanzo had fished for his paper fan to deal out punishment. The monk had a very low tolerance level when it came to car fights. Hakkai's smile became thin when one of Gojyo's elbows smacked hard into the mid-section of the seat. At their current speed, such reckless behaviour could easily lead to an accident, and that was an unacceptable risk.

"There's a pancake restaurant in the next village."

"Pancakes?"

The kicking and screaming stopped immediately. Instead, Goku's head appeared in the narrow space between the front seats, golden eyes big as saucers and a decidedly excited expression on his young face. "There's a restaurant that serves only pancakes, Hakkai?"

"Yes, Goku. And they are quite famous for it, too."

"Cool! How much longer until we're there?"

"Half an hour. They also have a pancake museum."

"They keep old food in a museum? Isn't that, like, yucky?"

Gojyo's chuckle was swept away by the wind. The paper fan slipped back into Sanzo's sleeve, and Hakkai could see an amused smirk playing around the older man's lips.

"Idiot ape. Don't sputter nonsense." The monk's voice carried its usual acid and annoyed tone. "You want me to shoot you?"

"But Sanzo…"

"Shut up."

"Oi, Sanzo-sama… Pancakes are soft and easy to chew food, right?"

He didn't have to check the rear view mirror to know that Gojyo had a calculating expression on his face. Next to him, Sanzo stiffened visibly, and Hakkai rolled his eyes.

"So?"

'Congrats, Gojyo. Bait, hook and sinker swallowed, time to reel in the victim.' Hakkai clutched tighter to the steering wheel as the road took a turn to the worse.

"So, they are the perfect meal for elderly people…"

With a swift move, Sanzo's hand disappeared in his sleeve. Gojyo definitely had a death wish today. They hit the next pothole hard, and Jeep squeaked in protest.

"…or certain crappy monks who like soggy ramen and flat soda."

Hakkai winced as two shots bellowed in his ears. A look in the rear mirror told him that his red haired companion wasn't the slightest bit fazed by the attack.

"One more word, and you're dead, useless bastard."

It was an idle threat. They all knew it, most of all probably Sanzo himself, but that didn't stop him from going through the moves of the game ad infinitum. Hakkai waited for Gojyo to back down, like he usually did at this point of the exchange, but for some reason it didn't happen. There was a moment of liquid silence when both gambler and monk stared at each other, one with a cocky smile, the other with a murderous look on his face, neither willing to lose the power struggle.

Hakkai suppressed a sigh. How it was possible that two grown up men acted like spoiled brats fighting over a chocolate cookie was beyond his horizon. Maybe he should just break up the kindergarten quarrel and…

"I'm hungry!"

Well, Goku's intervention was effective as well.

"Shut up, stupid ape!"

Goku didn't even try to duck the paper fan. "Sanzo! Why you always have to hit me?"

"Because. Now shut up."

The paper fan was almost as threatening as the death glare that Sanzo had probably practised on hard ever since he was born. Ten seconds of Goku's patented hurt-puppy-eyes secret weapon later, the volatile monkey-master had been subdued, and turned back to face the road ahead with an indignant harrumph.

x

Osore Taisho was a heretic, born out of the wind and the sea. His golden eyes had sparkled with trust and hope once, but now there was only numb pain and despair over what he was forced to do. Even though his title was that of a general, he always fought alone, had no army to back him up or do the job in his place. After all, Osore's existence alone was an insult to the gods, and they had no tolerance for being insulted. But the gods had been kind. He was given a choice and an education. They made him a tool, selling his service in exchange for whatever gods needed to make them happy. Osore held no respect for the gods, but his masters had power over him. He had to obey their whims without fail.

Today's mission wasn't any different. His prey was careless, cajoling and playing around while the hunter sprang the trap. The shackles that connected his wrists with his waist allowed him just enough movement to join the swirling dance of death and destruction with his weapons of choice. With a simple move of his hands, Osore called in the powers of the wind, focussed it and catapulted the invisible projectile towards his victims.

x

For three full minutes, only the sound of the engine and the cacophony from the radio speakers could be heard. It was unnaturally, gratingly quiet. Much too quiet, for Hakkai's taste.

"Oi, ero kappa."

Hakkai stifled a grin.

"What is it, baka saru?"

Gojyo's disinterest was as fake as Goku's birth certificate.

"Do you think they have maple pancakes?"

"Sure."

"How about strawberry jam pancakes?"

"I guess.

"Lemon jelly pancakes?"

"Yep."

"How about ham pancakes?"

"Would be a shame if they weren't on the menu."

"Beef pancakes?"

"Don't forget the filled ones," Hakkai tossed in, which gained him a delighted squeal from Goku and raised eyebrows from Sanzo.

"Ha-"

The monk's mouth moved, but no sound reached Hakkai. Instead, the air exploded into sharp pain, tearing and shredding clothes, skin and consciousness into nothingness.

x

Scattered bodies marked the point of impact. The four travellers and the dragon weren't dead, not yet. It was against the orders he had received. Orders, no matter how sickeningly pervert, needed to be obeyed. Osore hovered over the crater his attack had created, patiently waiting for his opponents to regain consciousness.

x

Swirling darkness drained into a single blob of billowing colour. Fireworks went off with loud bangs somewhere nearby, showering the black with burning white embers.

'Kanan...'

It was the pain that destroyed the illusion. Hakkai squinted, confused and weak, his entire body paralysed by wailing agony.

"Hakkai?"

Gojyo's voice guided him back to reality, just like it always had. "I'm okay."

"Like hell you are," Gojyo snapped, with a face so darkened by worry that it made Hakkai wonder who had died.

"The others?" Hakkai grunted, or wheezed, or whatever that noise was that his vocal cords produced right now.

"Jeep's missing. Sanzo's okay... Bruised, battered, and his ego took a few blows, but nothing serious."

"Goku?"

"Still fighting."

Memories poured back to his pounding head. The limiter. Goku, forced to take the ultimate step to defend them against an enemy that easily outclassed them all. The stranger, warrior in yet another army that wanted them dead. No ordinary opponent, he wielded the power of air and water with the lethal precision of surgery instruments in the hands of a specialist. Golden eyes, shackles with chains that rang together like bells in a soft breeze, hair so black that the sunlight reflected with a dark blue shimmer. "How long was I out?"

"Dunno, half an hour or so."

The air shifted violently, and from the corner of his good eye, Hakkai could make out two blurry spots rapidly dancing closer. Sanzo's exterminator gun spat death somewhere behind him, a full round of magically enhanced bullets, but it didn't stop the destructive rampage of the two fighters.

"Shit. Shit. Shit!" Trembling fingers pushed the empty shells out of bullet chambers, filled them with unused ones. "Stupid monkey."

Wind smashed heavy drops of rain into their faces like steel fists pounding into jelly, roared, screamed and tore at them with the full power of a typhoon. Lightening struck a nearby tree, deafening thunder rolled through the pitching dark day, but there was no end to the assault.

A shield. They needed a shield. Hakkai concentrated, focussed his life force to match the gale, but he could have put up a paper parasol for all the good it did. The world faded to grey, blood drummed in his ears louder than the exploding air around him.

Frozen from exhaustion, Hakkai watched helpless as Gojyo threw himself in the path of nature's force, covered and sheltered Hakkai from flying debris that hailed down on them. A wince, a gasp, muscles that stiffened under the impact of wood splinters, blood that trailed out of Gojyo's mouth before his eyes rolled back and he heavily collapsed on him. Hakkai carefully rolled the body off him, took in the image of his friend stabbed in the back by so many wooden splinters that it would put a porcupine to shame. Unreal, not real, please let it be a bad dream..."Gojyo!"

Death. Loss. Pain. Madness that asked to be unleashed, blood lust that needed to be stilled, a mourderous instinct that even the faint signals of life from his friend couldn't subdue.

"We have to get out of here!"

Sanzo's anguished voice shattered the moment of weakness. It was probably pure stubbornness that kept the monk going, not that it mattered any. Crimson dotted Sanzo's attire where natural spears had pierced his skin, and crimson dropped from the hand that extended to pull him to his feet. Hakkai hesitated, refusing to leave Gojyo behind without protection.

"Hakkai!"

Rain washed the blood from Gojyo's face, and Hakkai came to a decision. "No."

"Get up, damn it! Get up or I'll kill you!"

Cold metal pressed against his neck. For a second, Hakkai wished that Sanzo would go through with his threat. "Then kill me, already."

"Damn you." Shivers, then tremors ran through Sanzo's hand, making the gun rattle hard against Hakkai's skin. "Damn you all!"

x

So weak. They had been so weak. Even the one called Goku, a heretic not unlike himself, had been no threat. Of course, Goku had not learned to control his elemental side, fought because he liked to kill, enjoying the bloodshed. Osore could feel his own blood singing, but he would never give in to that particular tune. Discipline. Self control. Restrain. It was carved into him with his own claws, burned into him with his own hatred. Oh yes, his masters had been very thorough in their training.

So weak. But also so caring, protecting each other, lending strength and support. Maybe it would give them an advantage after all. Osore smiled down on his ailing opponents before teleporting home, today's mission completed. Sure, Sanzo and his henchmen would die. But not here. Not today. Not for a long time, if Osore could help it.

x

"Hak..kai..." Gojyo moaned, then the kappa slipped back into unconsciousness.

Something dropped from the sky, splotching into the mud. From one moment to the next, the storm ceased.

"Goku!"

Seiten-Goku didn't move, and Hakkai wasn't even sure if the creature born from rock was still alive. But maybe he was, because Sanzo crouched next to the boy, muttering his tantras as he replaced the limiter.

Back to index

Chapter 2: Simply Love

I can't say for sure when I first realized that things had grown to more than just an alliance, or mere friendship, or having an entertaining victim nearby to keep boredom at bay. I guess, there's truth in saying that you don't know your feelings until something gets taken away from you, and there had been more than enough close calls to make my feelings go hickedeydoo all over the place. I just never acknowledged that feeling for what it is. Hey, I'm Gojyo, the heartbreaker. I have no uise for such a thing like love. You know, it's easier to just pretend its not there, being a guy and all, you don't really talk about such things anyway.

I guess at the point when you spend enough time with someone to notice that the person's missing when they're not around, it's where it all begins. From there, you walk a long, narrow, winded path called 'trust' next to a bottomless pit. Oh, you don't walk that path alone, everyone's with you in a party roped together by claws and teeth. One false step and everyone goes over the edge - or you let go and cling to the safety of what you know, watch the others fall, and try to stop thinking about if you can still look at your reflection the next day.

With some people, trust comes as natural as breathing. But it's not my strength, no matter what a certain fishy monk may tell you about how I trust too easily whenever a pretty face is involved. Of course, he's right that I give people the benefit of the doubt, because I know how it is to be on the receiving end of face value. But that has nothing to do with trust, and even less with the type of trust that grows into love, you know.

And it's not as if my trust has not taken a sharp blow to the groin often enough to keep me wary. I can't count the times I've taken a leap of faith with these three, just to end up hanging high and dry in the middle of a nasty situation. I know that it's my own fault for getting involved entirely too much in other people's problem. I understand that my pals don't have any obligations to see things my way, or even pay attention to the 'minor details', as Sanzo-sama calls those I try to help. And yes, the cavalry always shows up at the last minute to safe my hide, most likely thanks to Hakkai's nagging and Goku's pleading look. Not that I have no confidence in my abilities, I know that I have enough skill to fight off most enemies. But still... It's not easy to keep trusting when you depend on the moods of one man and his ego.

Genjyo Sanzo sama. I really hate his guts. Sometimes, at least. He can be a complete asshole one minute, and surprise you with some deep thought and care the next. Well, it's not that much of a surprise once you look into how that joke of a 'holy person' ticks. His weaknesses are blatantly obvious, and that doesn't just go for his body. Well, maybe his 'push here' buttons are more obvious if you spend some more time around him. I'm a gambler, you know. I learned to see those things and ask the right questions to win a game. Add to it the bits and bytes of his oh-so-tightly guarded personal history that leaked out by us running into the one or other person from his past and you gain interesting insights.

So, I'm usually prepared when Sanzo lashes out, and I try to stay in control, top of the food chain. Funny how I find many of my own problems reflected in him. Makes me somewhat protective, you know. He's vulnerable when he's not an asshole. Maybe that's why he's an asshole most of the time - can't afford to be too nice. Can't afford to be 'only human'. Idiot.

But it makes it easier, too, knowing where to hit so that it hurts. He's good at making remarks that smart when he feels cornered. Guess he knows me too well by now.

I guess if it wasn't for our mission, he and I would have never bothered to go beyond the growl-and-snarl phase of claiming territory. I sometimes think that Kanzeon-sama put us together on purpose just to see our personalities clash and get a laugh out of it...

Yes, Sanzo deserves to have a stop-sign smacked into his face ever so often, to knock his ego down a few pegs. But get rid of him? Lose him for good? Where would be the fun in that?

Besides, it would make the monkey sad, and that would really break my heart - probably the rest of my body, too. I'd never hear the end of it. Can't have that, no way.

The baka saru is still following his master around with the stupid loyalty of a dog, no matter how cruel Sanzo treats him, or how often he gets beaten with that paper fan for small things. Of course, Goku is sometimes asking for it, with his constant whining about food. But that's Goku for you - bouncing with enthusiasm and instinctive trust, and he's not hiding his affection for all of us. The saru doesn't know how lucky he is, being a kid and all. I sometimes envy him.

The kid is a walking enigma. He has wisdom of the heart. Hakkai once called it that way. Did I mention that Hakkai's really fond of Goku? Hakkai's helping him to learn self control, he says. But seeing those two, I'm not sure who's teaching who... I just know that it makes both of them happy and stronger. Goku's more mature now. Well, we all have grown up, one way or the other, but Goku's changes are most obvious.

Wisdom of the heart. Seriously. I don't know how the kid comes up with the things he sometimes does or says, but he somehow manages to do just the right thing. Maybe it's because of those five hundred years he spent alone in his mountain prison. Five hundred freakin' years all by yourself. Can you imagine that? No wonder he sticks to Sanzo like glue to paper for setting him free. He must've felt horribly lonely up there. I know I would've felt horribly lonely being stuck in a cave that long with no food, no booze, no cigarettes, no company and no women.

Goku doesn't pretend, and he doesn't hide how he thinks or feels. He also doesn't like it when we hide things from him. His version of trust is one of equal trade. 'I trust you, you trust me'. Only that it's not that simple, isn't it? Sure, trusting Goku is easy enough, but his Seiten-version scares me shitless. I'm afraid of that monster, but how can I tell that to Goku? I mean, I've seen demon-Hakkai going berserk, and that was a wakeup call in itself, but nothing compared to Seiten-Goku. However, it's still Goku somewhere in that monster when he removes the limiter, and he trusts us to do the right thing when his other self is on the rampage. Can you love one side of a person, but hate what they become when they lose control? It's confusing the heck out of me... but because of this feeling, I'm protecting Goku the best I can. I mean, he's like my little brother, and who if not I will stick to him, no matter what? I don't want to lose him. It would break my heart, and that stupid thing is only kept together by cello tape to begin with.

Plus, without Goku around, Hakkai would focus his parental habits solely on Sanzo and me, which makes me fear for Hakkai's life. Well, maybe I should be worried more about Sanzo, he doesn't stand a chance against teacher-mode Hakkai. As far as stubbornness goes, Hakkai wins by length, and he can be outright mean and sinister if you rub him the wrong way. Even the almighty Sanzo-sama isn't spared. Goku told me what happened when I went Kami-hunting all on my own. Hakkai really had our precious monk engaged in a shouting match. Can you believe it? Hakkai shouting on top of his lungs, at Sanzo of all persons? I'd really loved to see that.

Not that I doubt Goku's words, on the contrary. Sure, Hakkai's very polite and amendable most of the time. But he has his moods and he doesn't always have the strength to keep up his nicety shield. I'm there for him at those times, because he doesn't have to pretend around me. I've seen him at his darkest, when he was still Cho Gonou, and later on when he tried to fit into this new persona the three Aspects had equipped him with.

I don't know if he ever found out I followed him around those first few months he learned to be a healer. He probably did, but he never complained about it. Why I followed him around, you ask? Well, because he wouldn't stop pushing himself to the limits of his body. The bastard just conveniently forgot to stop pouring his life force into the sick and injured. He almost died from exhaustion a couple of times, and maybe wouldn't have survived if his teacher hadn't intervened. I got pretty good with the theoretical background of healing and what happened in the human body after that. Creepy and way over my head. Not that I'm stupid, but all that mumbo-jumbo is somewhat complicated. Shesh, the things I do for that man.

Hakkai still had that death wish back then, you see, even if he claimed that he would live to make a difference. I sometimes think that he must've seen his second chance as a cruel joke of fate. His sister and lover died, and he died as well, just that he wasn't quite as dead as he wanted to be. I don't remember how often I woke him from nightmares, or secretly kept guard over him when he hid his tears in the cold rain of the night. There wasn't much I could do to help him, just be there and let the colour of my hair and eyes remind him of the promise he made. I really wanted to do more, tried to get him interested in things, dragged him along so that he wouldn't get lost in brooding. It was when he earned himself a reputation for his gambling skills and people actually searched him out that I realized that it was a bad idea. He always smiled that polite smile and made conversation, kept winning with that weird skill of his to read into moves ahead of time. But I could tell that he didn't really want to be in those bars, at the tables, surrounded by strangers who come too close for comfort. I told him then that it's okay, he didn't have to tag along just to please me. Turns out that he felt uncomfortable all on his own at home, with nothing to drone out the screams of the dead. I'm an idiot, aren't I?

Hakkai still is uncomfortable with silence. One would think that he looks for solitude with all his problems, but that's far from the truth. Of course, he needs his time alone, the occasional break from the busy group that each of us requires every once in a while. But you can tell when he wants company and conversation. I guess that's why I always go and make a ruckus, teasing Goku or the monk before the silence gets to Hakkai. Besides, it gives him something to complain about, and as long as he's in teacher mode, he can busy himself with positive thoughts. Hakkai's really good with children. He treats them with respect, and he's always gentle with them. Children and Goku are the only ones who Hakkai embraces with love. It's hard to believe that he killed two hundred seventy-nine children in cold blood with those same hands, but it's true.

Did you know that Goku was the first person I ever saw Hakkai smiling at? Hakkai's like a different person when that smile is on his face. Not his usual placid smile, but a genuine smile. I don't think he even realised that he was smiling, or how easily Goku had thawed the permafrost inside Hakkai's heart. Frustrating, really. I mean, I tried all tricks in the book to draw a real smile from him, and then Goku steals it. Aw shucks, damn the stupid monkey. Must be because he's an animal, and Hakkai likes animals. I've learned that little fact when we got Hakuryuu, our pet dragon. That is, I won him, but the little critter instantly adopted Hakkai. Unfair? Maybe, but I don't mind. You should've seen the look on his face when Hakuryuu crawled into his shirt to sleep that very first evening. Priceless.

I guess that he really needs someone he can care about. Someone to love. If someone had told me a couple of years ago I'd love someone, I would've laughed that person straight in the face. The child of taboo that never learned what love is, feels love? No, not that type of love that's controlled by hormones. What I mean is the other kind of love, the much deeper and longer lasting version that so many 'lovers' never achieve. The one that grows inside you, but you never realized that it's there until you almost lose it.

So yes, I love those idiots. Sounds stupid, huh? Mushy. So un-cool. So utterly un-Gojyo-ish. Love... Never wanted it, never asked for it.

Love. Who needs love, anyway? Love. Me? I think you're hallucinating.

Back to index

Chapter 3: Backwash

-Backwash-

They had lost.

Again.

They had taken a serious beating.

Again.

Their enemy had swept the floor with them.

Again.

The stranger had not tried to steal the sutra, or to kill them. He just had humiliated them to the bone and left them in shambles. No reason, no answers, no nothing. Not even a threat to come back and finish the job he had started.

That was new.

A knock at the door startled Sanzo and he reached for his Smith & Wesson. But it was only the maid, bringing new bandages and the light lunch he had requested. "Thanks."

"Are your friends doing any better?"

"Do my companions look like they are doing an better?"

She reeled back from his snide reply, hastily retreating to the door. "It was a long night keeping watch, and now it's afternoon already. Maybe you should rest a bit yourself, Sir."

Sanzo just shook his head, not really interested in what she had to say in the first place. She closed the door, and once more he was alone with his worthless assembly of godess-chosen fighters. "Kyuu!"

'Add in a dragon,' Sanzo thought, glad that at least their means of transportation was unharmed. He looked for the plate of raw meat to feed Jeep, placed it on the table and the small creature dug in. With no real hunger, Sanzo emptied the bowl of soup that was on the tray. Friends. He contemplated the concept for a moment. Had they become friends somewhere along the countless miles travelled together? But he couldn't be friends with any of them even if he chose to lower himself to their level, because friends meant he was attached, attachment was wrong, and attachment to idiots was outright stupid.

'Friends, huh?'

Gojyo shivered in his fever induced dreams, mumbled incoherent things as he lied flat on his stomach, his back a bloody, infected mess. Goku had burned with fever when Sanzo had replaced the limiter, but now he was sleeping peaceful. Hakkai was sleeping as well, exhausted from the fight, ill-fated attempts to heal the idiot kappa and worrying over the stupid monkey.

The result of yet another unsuccessful day of travelling to the west had left Genjyo Sanzo craving for a cigarette and sleep. But he couldn't succumb to either of his desires just yet. Hakkai had insisted that the room was a no-smoking area as long as Gojyo's infection wasn't under control, and Sanzo was not willing to leave them like sitting ducks all alone just to have a smoke. With all of his companions more or less incapacitated at the moment, he was left on his own devices to defend his life. Besides, he was out of his favourite Marlboro Red anyway, and hell had to freeze over before he'd smoke Gojyo's brand again. The doctor would come in the evening, the inn keeper had said. But Sanzo didn't need a doctor to tell that they wouldn't go anywhere for a few days.

'Great. Wonderful. Just another shitty obstacle on this shitty journey. What else is new?'

Gojyo's blanket slid to the ground and distracted Sanzo from his disgruntled thoughts. With a sigh, he got up from his uncomfortable chair and bend down to pick up the cloth. Pain shot through his abdomen, mixed with nausea and made him gasp sharply, an unwelcome reminder that he hadn't escaped the ordeal unscathed. Gojyo tossed, eyelids fluttered, but the feverish half-demon didn't wake. Carefully, Sanzo wrapped a new set of cold compresses around sweat covered calves, to keep the younger man's temperature below the dangerous level. The compress on Gojyo's forehead was getting warm, too, so he soaked it in the bowl of ice water that sat on the table and put it back in place.

'Stupid bastard. He's nothing but trouble.'

On the futon next to Hakkai's bed, Goku mumbled something in his sleep. Sanzo grimaced. Probably dreaming of food again. Fool. But the ape had hardly moved since last evening, and his pale skin looked almost transparent where it should be healthy and tanned. It wasn't supposed to be like this, not with Goku. Goku recovered faster than any of them, bounced back from grave injuries in the blink of an eye. Well, it took him a bit longer than that, but the ape healed at an amazing speed. Usually. Somehow, the uneasy feeling that lingered in the pit of his stomach and heralded disaster gained more momentum and Sanzo found himself on the brink of actually worrying.

'Shit. I am worried.'

Regrettably, worry didn't solve the mystery behind the attack, or answer the nagging question if the unknown enemy would return. Chances were that they hadn't seen the last of him. Goku had lost to the stranger, and nothing in the arsenal of Gojyo, Hakkai or himself was up to par with the the stranger's powers. Maybe teamwork could do the trick, but for that he needed his 'team' to be up and running - well, awake would do nicely right now. Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the case for at least another few hours, and until then Sanzo was stuck on being nurse and maid for these brainless fools.

Sanzo stared at the remaining food on the tray. Rice, some vegetables in what could be some soy sauce, steamed chicken. He still wasn't hungry, but he couldn't afford to lose any more strength. Without much enthusiasm, Sanzo shoved some rice and sauce into an empty bowl, stirred his meal with his chop sticks and ate. The mixture of rice and sauce glued itself to the back of his mouth, making him gag. The swill that arrogantly called itself tea rinsed the sticky substance down his throat, and when the mass reached his stomach, it churned so badly that he almost threw up.

After five unpleasant minutes, Sanzo had finally recovered enough to add the inn's cook to his long death list. With a low growl, he pushed the bowls back to the tray, decided to let food be food and force Hakkai to cook something edible later on.

The waiting was always the worst when dealing with the sick and wounded. Nothing to do but repeat the same movements again and again, fighting fever, replacing blood and puss soaked bandages, feeding liquid into barely conscious bodies. The only positive thing was that this time he wasn't on the supplying end of the waiting chain, which meant that for a change it wasn't him who slowed down their progress towards the west. So he sat guard over his more or less quietly resting comrades while outside the world continued to turn, wondering why he bothered at all.

The minutes limped along with unbearable slowness. Nothing happened, and Goku still was asleep. Stupid ape, missing dinner, breakfast and lunch he would be a pain in the butt whining bout food the moment he opened his eye. Just a few more hours, and Goku would miss another dinner - the sun would set soon. Sanzo's eyes drooped as his thoughts travelled unchecked along their own mysterious paths, his tiredness winning over the stubborn need to stay in control of the situation.

Sanzo shrieked back to wakefulness when his head landed unceremoniously on the table. Confused, he looked around, embarrassed that he had dozed off in the first place. His embarrassment turned into cold fear when he realized that he must've dozed off for more than just a few minutes, because the sun had almost disappeared behind the horizon. Gojyo obviously had tried to get up by himself, because he lay sprawled on the floor half way to the door.

'Damn. I didn't even notice.'

Neither Hakkai or Goku had woken up. And still no sign of the doctor.

"Shit."

Sanzo wound himself from his uncomfortable sleeping position. His bladder requested to be emptied, but that had to wait.

'First things first... and that would be the idiot kappa.'

Gojyo was tall and heavy, and by the time he had finally managed to lift him to a standing position, Sanzo was drenched in sweat.

"Go... have... a... piss," Gojyo slurred, owlishly blinking at Sanzo, who only rolled his eyes in annoyance. There were a few things that he really wasn't keen to do, and dragging a barely conscious pervert to the toilet ranked somewhere on the top of his list.

A few minutes later, the deed was done, and Sanzo helped Gojyo to pull up his pants. "Tell anyone, and I'll shoot your balls off."

If Gojyo had heard the threat, he didn't react to it. Eyes half hooded, with a feverish hue highlightening his otherwise stark white face, there was no say if the half-demon was really awake or just sleep walking. It was an awkward situation in any case, and Sanzo knew he didn't want to repeat this particular performance any time soon. When he had finally managed to haul Gojyo back to the bed in their room, Sanzo felt like he had run the mile, and he sagged down on the chair at the table again. "Damn it, Hakkai... wake up already."

"I'm awake."

Surprised, Sanzo scrambled to his feet, fearing for a second that he had fallen prey to hallucination. But Hakkai was indeed sitting up in his bed, smiling his usual pleasant smile. For an instant, relief flooded Sanzo's system. The knowledge that he wasn't on his own any longer was strangely calming to his strained nerves. The moment passed and Sanzo's more practical and cynical side took over. "Don't act so damn smug. Nursing injured people is your job."

"It won't hurt you to show the occasional care in your 'companions'," Hakkai said.

"How long are you awake, exactly?"

"If you want to imply that I stayed on my back while Gojyo lay collapsed on the floor... I'm afraid I just woke up briefly when the maid brought your food, and now when you created a ruckus just a few minutes ago. That's all."

Hakkai's smile was still there, but his tone told Sanzo that he better chose his next words carefully. "I'm not implying anything, and your manners are getting worse again."

Hakkai tensed, took in a deep breath and then let out a short, unpleasant laugh. With the same false laugh in his voice, he said: "I'm sorry. You're right, nursing injured people is my job in our group, and there are plenty of them, aren't there?"

The healer swung his long legs over the edge of his bed and got up, but Sanzo could tell that he was still lacking his usual spring. The drain on his life force had been worse than expected, it seemed, and Hakkai had been unconscious for quite a while during the fight.

"I'm going to heal Gojyo's wounds again now, and after the doctor sees to him."

A soft green glow filled the room. When it diminished, nothing seemed to have changed, but Sanzo knew that this kind of treatment needed time to show effects. Closing wounds and blood vessels was one thing, but fighting infections worked on a completely different level. Hakkai completed his administrations by replacing Gojyo's cold compresses, a slight, worried frown on his face.

"Gojyo's doing better than last night. I think his fever's slowly going down. Has Goku woken up at all?"

Sanzo shook his head, and Hakkai's frown deepened. "Is that bad?"

"I'm not sure. There seems to be some structural problem in the flow of his life force..."

"He just exhausted."

Hakkai closed his eyes, concentrated and ran his hands over Goku's sleeping form. After what seemed like a life time, he finished his examination and shot Sanzo a grave look. "No, this goes beyond simple exhaustion. His body seems to be burned out - like a car battery that took frost and doesn't recharge any more."

Burned out. A candle that would give light no more. Cold darkness where there had once been a warm glow. The thought alone sent a chill down Sanzo's spine. "Goku isn't a car battery."

'If I could heal him, I would,' Hakkai's eyes said. "My diagnosis is probably false, the doctor sure can tell more. Maybe Goku really just needs a bit more rest."

"I don't care. I'll dump the stupid ape in the cold shower if he doesn't wake up soon."

"You could just say you're worried, you know."

"I'm not worried."

"Of course." Hakkai smiled. "You're simply out of cigarettes and can't be bothered to fetch them yourself, right?"

"Exactly," Sanzo snapped.

Hakkai spent the next twenty minutes cleaning Gojyo's wounds. "This really looks better. A few more days, and he should be his charming old self again."

"I could do without his charming old self," Sanzo commented sourly, sipping coffee from a thick, blue mug. "His constant womanizing is getting us into trouble every time."

"Very true. But then, Gojyo attracts trouble even when he's just sitting in the back of the jeep doing nothing."

Sanzo smirked. The smoke-free environment did nothing for his nicotine-craving nerves. "Sitting in the back of the jeep pretending to do nothing."

"Some meditation would work miracles on your blood pressure."

"My blood pressure is perfectly fine," Sanzo grumbled. "Besides, the idiot kappa's creating problems, not attracting them."

"Not... nice... talkin'... 'bout me... when I'm down." Gojyo's voice was rough with pain, exhaustion and sickness.

"Look who's awake," Sanzo put as much friendliness into his tone as he could muster. "The truth hurts, doesn't it?"

Hakkai finished his work and shot Gojyo an encouraging smile. "Don't mind him, Gojyo. He's just grumpy."

Gojyo rested his head on his arms, his red eyes still feverish but a bit clearer than they had been just half an hour ago. "PMS, huh?"

"Shut up and die, useless bastard."

Gojyo grinned. "Love you, too, San-chan."

Click.

The Smith & Wesson pointed between Gojyo's laughing eyes, and for a moment Sanzo was close to pull the trigger. Maybe splattering the idiot's brain all over the wall would the give the offending little creep something to think about.

Fortunately for the kappa, the doctor choose that moment to enter the scene. He was a dark haired man maybe twice Sanzo's age, looking tired but friendly.

"I'm Doctor Sheng," he introduced himself. "Please don't shoot my patients."

Hakkai intervened before Sanzo even had a chance to reply. "Good that you're here, Dr Sheng. Did the inn keeper tell you what to expect?"

"Badly infected wounds, cuts and bruises, possible concussion and a kid that won't wake up?" Sheng gave them all a good look. "Seems that Yonis didn't exaggerate. I apologize that you had to wait so long. I'm the only doctor around here, and there was a serious truck accident in the neighboring village yesterday."

"Were they attacked by demons?" Sanzo wanted to know, keeping the exorcism gun nearby just in case.

"No, the driver lost control. The truck tumbled down a trench a couple of meters, and ended up on its roof. Unfortunately, the it was loaded to the brim with field workers... many didn't survive the night."

Hakkai nodded in understanding, watching closely how the doctor examined Gojyo. "You're here now. There's no need to apologize."

"Well, you and your friends needed my skills, too." The doctor returned the smile and continued his work. "Mmm... Is one of you trained as a healer?"

Sanzo pointed at Hakkai. "He is."

"I just began to learn the art a short time ago," Hakkai cautioned. "I'm still in training, so to speak."

The doctor gave him a long, query look. "You're a youkai?"

"Would that be a problem?" Hakkai didn't evade the man's look.

"No, not really. Youkais are much better healers than humans. My assistant and the doctor two villages away were youkai - and very talented healers, if I may say so. But we were helpless against the plague that spread a year ago."

"It's the same all over the country," Sanzo said. "Your colleagues all lost themselves?"

"My assistant Fong was the last one, half a year ago. He killed two people before... I had to shoot him." Doctor Sheng suddenly seemed a hundred years old, then straightened. "What am I blabbing about, I have a patient."

A few more minutes passed, then the doctor finished his quick check on Gojyo. "You did a very good job for a beginner in the trade. There are still some splinters and dirt left in the wounds, but nothing too bad. I'll leave you antibiotics to get the infection under control. He should be fine."

Hakkai beamed at the compliment by the professional, and keenly followed all procedures and explanations the man made in the next half hour. Gojyo let out the occasional grunt and yelp when the treatment turned painful enough to cut through his fever-fogged mind, but remained quiet most of the time.

Sanzo's cuts and bruises were inspected next and his general state of health was discussed. It didn't help improve his mood the least. Hakkai himself received a warning not to underestimate the concussion he had suffered, and Sanzo was told that the youkai needed to stay bed for at least two more days.

"A human would be out of it for a week," the doctor added. "And you shouldn't do any more healing for a few days, Hakkai. You'd risk brain damage."

"I know."

Hakkai just smiled, and Sanzo began to wonder exactly how much risk the younger man deliberately took by healing them after fights.

Then it was Goku's turn, and Sanzo watched tensely how Dr Sheng, with Hakkai's help, ran various tests on the sleeping monkey.

"Burn out on a cellular level," the doctor finally announced. "If all you told me is true, then our young friend here channels enormous energies whenever he takes off his limiter and turns youkai. His system can handle a short time of this, but fighting over an hour was too much of a strain."

"Will he recover?" Sanzo wanted to know, not quite ready to surrender to the inevitable.

"Hard to say," Sheng said. "The next few days should tell. He's still young, his body might just bounce back."

Hakkai studied Goku's face thoughtfully, with a worry and care in his expression that Sanzo knew was reserved solely for the youngest member of the group. "He usually heals faster than any of us."

"I'll come back in two days. We'll see how his condition has improved until then."

Sanzo nodded. Fifteen minutes later, the doctor had received his payment, left them with some medication and a wishes of fast recovery. Hakkai read through the instructions of the antibiotics, then left the room, heading downstairs.

'So much for rest and taking it easy.'

Not that Sanzo would have offered to fetch whatever Hakkai needed from the kitchen, or that Hakkai would have bothered to ask in the first place. But the doctor's warning about possible aftereffects of the concussion had added to Sanzo's worry. Gojyo softly snored, oblivious to the troubles that probably brewed in the near future. Two more days before they would at leat have some fighting power back. Until then, their entire defense depended on him, his sutra and throwing Hakkai's life in the line for some ki-blasts.

And Goku... was burned out. Sanzo didn't want to cling to false hopes about a recovery that wouldn't happen. He didn't need to wait for two days to understand what Hakkai's look had said, or what his own senses told him only too clearly. Peaceful and innocent, his monkey rested at his feet on the futon, but even that rest was not his usual draped-all-over-the-place bouncy kind of sleep. Too pale, too quiet, too damn useless and weak and in need of protection.

"Just wake up, stupid ape."

Sanzo's vision blurred. He rubbed his tired eyes, since it could only be tiredness that made them all watery.

"Shit."

To be continued...

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Chapter 4: Innocent Love

Love? I love a lot of things. Meat buns. Miso soup. Pizza, candy fruits, ramen. All is so yummy! Food fills my tummy, and eating makes me strong. I want to eat all day long. I got no food for a long time, you know? I wasn't hungry, and I didn't starve. It was part of my punishment, I think, right along with the 'no aging'. Sanzo said I was locked up for five hundred years. It could've been a thousand-million years... it seemed like forever. I stopped counting the days and nights long ago, because it made no difference. It was the same, day in, day out. Only the seasons brought change.

Winter was worst. I hated winter. Winter is cold, and I couldn't make a fire in my prison cage. But the cold wasn't the worst. Everything was covered in snow. Snow swallows sounds and for me it was as if the snow swallowed the entire world around me. I was left alone at the begin of each and every single long mountain winter. Sometimes, I was scared that the winter would go on forever. Maybe spring had forgotten me. Maybe it didn't like me any more, because I had not been happy enough when it came back the previous year. Stupid, huh? I guess I'm just a stupid ape after all, to think that the seasons will be angry at me...

Winter left me starved for spring. Spring made the air smell with flowers. You could actually smell how life returns to the mountain valleys. It's wonderful, and all the sounds come back with it. Summer was nicely warm, and I could hear the birds sing in the far away woods. Fall brought storms and rain. I always liked storm and rain. It was fun to watch the lightening criss cross over the sky, and the clouds took on all kinds of colors. I always hoped that the fall would not end, but it always did, and then winter came. Now it's like a bad dream, because so many things have changed ever since Sanzo came to the cage and set me free. I was so excited that day that I forgot to be hungry. But the next morning, my stomach growled like an avalanche. Sanzo gave me that 'you're annoying' look, but he shared his meal with me. It was plain rice. Still, it was great, because I could taste every single grain and feel how it filled me after I swallowed it. Sanzo never understood why I cried that morning. Not that he really cared, anyway - I guess he was just glad that the annoying voice in the back of his mind had stopped calling for him.

So, I was free to taste again. After a couple of decades without food, I forgot how things taste. I tried to remember the flavor of vegetables and the texture of fruits, and how fried pork smells when it's coming fresh out of the pan. At first, it worked, but it became paler and paler over time until I couldn't even remember what a peach or meat bun looked like. Now that I can eat what I like, I can't get enough of all the delicious things, especially when Hakkai cooks. He often makes extra big portions for me, and he always lets me try for the taste before dinner time. He knows what's on my mind, and he never gets upset when I want a second helping, or even a third one. I love Hakkai, even more than I love food. He's never mean to me, and helps me a lot with all kinds of problems. Hakkai taught me how to read and write, and even maths and lots of other things I never heard about before. Sanzo said it was lost time and I am just stupid, but Hakkai said I can learn anything if I try hard enough. So I tried, for Hakkai, because he's happy when I do good, and I want him to be happy. I also want him to be proud of me. Him, and Sanzo, too.

But Hakkai doesn't want me to do things just for him, or Sanzo. He tells me to learn hard to make me proud of myself. It took me quite a while to understand what Hakkai meant. I guess the full meaning hit me in that second fight with Kougaji, when he asked what made us so strong. It's different when you try to do something for yourself, not to please people around you. I don't want to embarrass myself. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to make Sanzo and Hakkai and Gojyo worry about me. So I get stronger and try harder, for myself, so that no one has to worry and I can be proud of myself.

It's not easy to be strong, but Hakkai's there when I feel bad. He listens seriously when I need to talk, with respect, as if I'm a grown up and not a stupid ape. It's easier to talk about things to Hakkai. Maybe that's because Hakkai has a scary side like me. And I don't mean scary as in how he sometimes gets angry because of things, or when Gojyo or Sanzo make some decision Hakkai doesn't like. He really kicks ass when he takes off his limiters, and then it's better not to be around until he puts them back on. I wish I could be strong like Hakkai, but I can't control my other me. When I take off my limiter, I just want to kill, and no one and nothing can stop me. Only Sanzo can, because of the power the gods gave him.

Sanzo says I can't kill him, even if I tried. Maybe that's true. After all, he's my sun. Even my other me can't destroy the sun. I never could see the sun from my prison in the mountain cave. For years and years all I could see was the blue sky, or clouds, and sometimes the moon, but never the sun. I saw light and the warmth caught in the rock surface in front of the stone bars. But in my cage it was cold. I wanted to feel the sun on my skin, you see? But I never could see the sun, or feel the warmth. In time, I thought it would no longer matter, that the sun was like the food. I forgot about food. I thought I could forget about the sun as well. But I was wrong. When Sanzo appeared in front of my prison that day, six years ago, I was blinded by the light of the sun that reflected in his hair. I had never seen something so beautiful before, hair that was golden like the sun itself. But it wasn't just the hair - I could feel the sun's warmth when he reached out for me and made my shackles burst. Sanzo opened my prison, and I followed him ever since. I don't want to be without my sun, not for a single day, because it's dull and gray without him.

I want Sanzo to be happy, because it makes me happy when he's happy. Only... making Sanzo happy is not easy. Sometimes, I think he would be happier if I was still on the mountain, in my prison. He gets angry often, and not just when Gojyo and I get noisy. Then he calls me an animal, and that I'm bothersome to keep around. I don't understand why he gets so angry over little things. It's like I have no use at all. He doesn't need me and he doesn't want me. The sun that I love burns away my skin, and my flesh, and doesn't stop with my heart and soul, that's how it feels.

I know I'm not smart like Hakkai, and I can't smooth talk like Gojyo. I also don't smoke. I tried once because I wanted to make Sanzo happy, because Sanzo likes to smoke. But guess what? I couldn't even do that for him. The smoke stung in my eyes and nose, I coughed my lungs up and it turned my stomach. I was sick for two days afterwards. I learned to drink, but I'm completely useless after a few glasses of sake.

But there's one thing I can do good, and that is fighting. So I fight. I win. Because when I win quickly, Sanzo won't get injured. He get injured a lot with all those attacks lately. If it was just youkais, it wouldn't be so bad. We are pretty good at fighting youkais. But there are also gods an other strong beings that we have to fight, and they are stronger than me. Even if we all fight at once, we can't do thing.

I hate removing the limiter. I hate what it does to me. I hate that look in Gojyo's eyes when I wake up the next day, or the expression on Hakkai's face. But what I hate most is that Sanzo's acting so different whenever I did become my other self. It's like as if he's embarrassed because of me, of what I have done. I wished I had better control over my other self. I don't want Sanzo to be be ashamed of me. I don't want to wake up with more memories of how I want to kill my friends. Hakkai helps me with learning self control, and he says I'm making good progress. I haven't told him that I remember more of what happens during the attacks every time it happens. I'm too ashamed of myself.

The monks in the monestary said that the only reason why Sanzo keeps me around is because he wanted a servant. Sanzo said he didn't free me because he wanted a servant, but he still sends me to run errands or fetch him a beer and do other things that he's too lazy to do by himself. I don't mind doing things for Sanzo, just... I'm a lousy servant, I know that. I can't do things properly, I get easily distracted and I never seem to do the right things. I can't even keep Sanzo out of trouble.

And Sanzo doesn't want to have me around when the world is dark with rain. No matter what I do at those times, he will hole himself up in his room and never even bothers to speak, or eat. He only sits there and thinks, and hurts, and smokes through one cigarette after the other. It makes me sad to see Sanzo that way, because I feel that he hurts over something, and he won't tell me why, and how can I make him feel better if he won't tell me what hurts him?

He often says I'm annoying, and an idiot. Maybe it's because of me that he hurts, because I'm an idiot and don't understand. But Hakkai says I'm doing nothing wrong, and Gojyo even lets me have his portion of the dessert on those days. Gojyo says that Sanzo's an idiot for not seeing what truly matters, whatever that means.

Gojyo and Sanzo fight a lot, but I know that Gojyo worries about Sanzo, even if he claims to hate him. Besides, there's always Hakkai who will mend the pieces together if the snide remarks go to far. Hakkai is a healer, you know. He heals with his life force, but he also heals with words. Sometimes, he heals with just being there. Gojyo's a healer, too. But he's a different type of healer. Gojyo heals injustices. He wants to make things right. Sanzo said that Gojyo's an idiot for doing this, and that he's wasting time. I don't think that Sanzo's right. Gojyo is no idiot. Of course he gets himself into trouble, and us as well. But that is not because he's an idiot, but because he does not want others to hurt. I admire him for that. If I'm an idiot ape anyway, no matter what I do, I want to be an idiot like Gojyo. At least, that's a good type of idiot.

Bad things happened in Gojyo's past, what with his brother and his mother, and people saying evil things about him all the time. He misses his brother, even if we meet with Dokugaji every once in a while. But that's always for serious fighting, it's not like brothers should be. Fighting over food and fooling around, and make a ruckus in the back of the jeep until Sanzo shoots at us... That is how brothers should be. I don't know if I have any siblings. I don't remember anything from the time before I was locked up in the mountain prison, but if I have a brother, I hope he's like Gojyo. He's the best big brother I can imagine. Do you think that would make him happy to hear it? Maybe I should tell him and find out.

I think I'm lucky. I have the sun, and a teacher, and a brother. Because of them, I'm not lonely any more in my heart. Even if I'm alone, I can hear Sanzo yelling 'baka zaru' and the paper fan's smack next to my ear... or Hakkai tells me to be strong, and Gojyo cheers me up when I'm down.

So, there's one thing that I love much more than all the food in the world. I would give up eating and all my strength, if that was the price to stay with them. Because, you see, I love them much more than meant buns, or ramen, or candy fruits.

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Chapter 5: Patched Love

Love. It's such a fragile emotion, if you ask me. You have it and you hope it will never go away, because everything feels so perfectly in place. Then it gets destroyed in the blink of an eye, and you can't protect it, and the pain drives you crazy before you go all numb inside. You think you'll never love again, because you lost your right to be loved, and you can't squeeze that feeling out of what's left of your heart anyway. So you exist, because you promised to yourself you'll make a difference, somehow, somewhere, for someone, no matter the costs. But it's an empty promise, and you know it.

His crimson hair and red eyes remind you every day of what you've done. He really tries hard to make you comfortable, but all you can do is crawl from one minute to the next. It's not like you care much about anything, anyway. But he does care. He's persistent, and annoyingly so, but it's his persistency that glues you to your oath. You don't want to cause problems for this kind soul, this man who bears invisible wounds and scars that equal your own.

It's strangely comforting to know that he won't budge, even though he knows what kind of man I am, the dirty secrets of my past and of my present. Not that he nags until I tell him - that's not his style. He just waits and gives me an encouraging nudge when he feels I'm ready to share. Gojyo's smarter than he lets you know, and it's because of him that I won't allow myself to take the easy way out. So I shared, and he listened. He never judged me for what I did, only insisted that I have a future. I couldn't help but found myself wanting to believe him.

'Love I don't know, love you couldn't protect', he said to me once. I couldn't protect Kanan, that's true, and I thought my ability to care and love had died that day, too.

Love I couldn't protect. Love he doesn't know.

But it's not quite like that, is it? I can tell that Gojyo does love, with a care and depth that equals what I felt for Kanan - minus the more... uh... reproductive aspect that is usually associated to the word 'love'. You know what I mean, don't you? His love is a love I don't deserve. I wonder if he really knows what kind of cold hearted monster he protects and cares for. Would he still bother if he knew why I let the rain soak me in those cold, rainy nights? You see, after Kanan died, my tears ran dry. But I want to cry, no, need to cry over what I have done. So I let the rain be my tears, let it wash away the invisible blood, and let the darkness embrace me. I'm at peace for a moment, or maybe I'm just hibernating until my sins come out through every pore again like sweat on a hot day, a reflex of the body that tells me that I'm not dead yet.

But I guess, even that knowledge wouldn't stop him from loving me in his own, unconditional and irreversible way. That's Gojyo for you. He has developed a sort of sixth sense when it comes to my moods, and I find myself drawn to his pragmatic view of life that helps me getting back on my knees whenever I stumble and fall. I don't know what I would do without him, if I could still go on if he left forever. Maybe the madness would return, and who would be there to keep me clinging to my promise, then?

Goku was the first person to who managed to tear down the ice shields I had built around my heart and breath some sense into me. You can't ignore Goku, he won't let you out of his hands if something's really important to him, and no pretending or feigning deafness will get him off your case. Sanzo learned that the hard way, Gojyo uses it to his advantage, and I need that spark of pure and honest intend to remember that there's more to life than my shrewd, torn view of the world. Once, Goku solved a devastating dilemma with a water resistant marker on my palm, and suddenly things like fate or destiny didn't look so threatening and dark any more. He's a shining beacon of hope and happiness, despite of his past, and against all odds of what the future might hold in store for him.

Goku spent most of his life holed up in a cave prison, and it left horrible traces in him. For example, he doesn't like to be left alone for extended periods of time, and especially the fact that he doesn't know why he was punished so severely is a heavy weight on his mind. Maybe he's a mass murderer like me, but the gods weren't kind and forgiving in his case - or maybe they were kind by making him forget whatever horrible things he did. Goku told me he turned into his demon shape outside of the monastery once, by accident and long before we met, but Sanzo got him under control quickly thanks to the information the Three Aspects had given him. Fortunately, no one was hurt back then, but I've seen what Goku is capable of, the blood thirst and the pleasure he took out of hurting and killing. At least, Goku never remembers much after his violent phases.

Thanks to his amnesia, Goku can afford to live a life that my memories will always deny me. Would he still be the cheerful, child-like mind if all bad things came pouring back into his mind? Could he deal with the screams of his victims in his ears, with their dead eyes staring at him accusingly? Would he fall into despair, just like I did? Would he beg to be killed, or would Seiten-Goku take over and continue the carnage?

I can relate to Seiten-Goku, I know this need to kill, the blood lust that can only be squelched by more victims. I killed, no matter if it were the demons who stole Kanan from my life, or their innocent families. Mothers, fathers, children, old and young, it made no difference as long as my knife sliced their bodies to shreds. Looking back, I can't justify what I did, even if it had a strangely appealing logic at the time.... In the end, I turned into the enemy, an egoistic and murdering creature that deserved any kind of punishment. It's a part of myself that I abhor, just like the demon I become when I take off my limiters. I still remember Goku's completely shocked expression after he had seen my unmasked self. 'I like the other Hakkai better,' he told me, smiling bravely, but I could tell that it had shaken him to see someone he just knows as a kind person acting so violently. Much, much later, he asked me if he was as scary and murderous without his limiter. I didn't have the heart to lie to him. His reaction was as guilt ridden as all the times before when he reflected on his own weaknesses. But Goku bounced back, he's not one to give up without a fight, and he is hell bent to beat that not so pleasant side of his. So he asked me for help. I learned to keep the killer that lurks under the civilized surface under control, and maybe I can teach the kid to do the same with his alter ego.

I'm something like a private teacher for Goku, and it feels good to see him progress so much in such a short time. He's not stupid, on the contrary, he always was bright, but he has problems with grasping abstract concepts and he can't sit still for five minutes. He gets easily distracted as well, though that has become much better with meditation and training. I guess, his attention deficits were caused by the long imprisonment, where his mind had to wander to prevent him from going insane. Goku's amazing, really, he has come a long way in the three years I know him. He has made me come a long way, too, right from that very first day we met and he stopped me from tearing myself to pieces to the point where I found myself entangled in his innocent way of love. Goku sees with his heart, and he found something in me that he loved. It shouldn't be there, that love, because I can't be loved after what I did - but it is there, pure and cleansing, and it chimed its steady pulse until something inside me couldn't help it but love him back.

Well, maybe it's just my cooking he loves. Food is Goku's passion, and there's almost nothing that he doesn't eat. If it was up to him, we would have ten lunch breaks instead of one. Of course, Sanzo won't let him and rather beats him with that harisen of his, or even shoots at him. Actually, Sanzo fired more of his insanely expensive bullets at Gojyo than he wasted on Goku, but Gojyo's provoking him merciless. Gojyo and Sanzo are at each other's throat most of the time, which had me really worried in the beginning. I don't know what caused their deep dislike of each other. Maybe Gojyo's refusal to be intimidated by Sanzo has to do with it, or Sanzo's 'I'm better than you' way of talking to people. However, in the past few months, they both changed their tactics, going from serious threats and distrust to some sort of mutual tolerance and functional trust.

On the downside of things, their truce forged by the trip to the west has unearthed a completely different aspect that I hadn't expected. It's kindergarden, I tell you. Pure and simple kindergarden, and don't believe a thing if they try to tell you otherwise. They started to behave like twelve year old brats, trying to play 'Cool, cooler, iceberg', and I wonder if they realize how totally un-cool their shenanigans are. Then again, it's fun to watch them trying to outsmart each other... not that there ever is a true victor in this war of words and actions. On the bright side of this ongoing conflict, Gojyo is involving Goku in his plans. At first, Goku was very reluctant to play pranks on Sanzo, but by now I think he's actually enjoying to get back at his 'master'. Goku gained confidence through this, and that's a good thing.

I know that Sanzo vouched for me, and that I owe my new life to him. I also know that I can never truly repay him for giving me a chance to live. He knows as much about me as Gojyo does, maybe even more. It's not that we became close friends over night, my past was the price tag attached to turning Gonou into Hakkai. Sanzo kept my secrets, but at the same time he began to understand what made me tick, he seemed to put up barriers the size of the Himalayas between us.

It's basically the same like he does with Goku, showing that cold and distanced demeanour he uses to keep problems at bay. I see how my past and present would be problematic, but Goku? I sometimes want to smack Sanzo hard for pulling his 'nothing can touch me and I don't care anyway' act on the kid. Goku doesn't really understand the complicated patterns of pride, denial and pretense that Sanzo weaves - his feelings don't get bent and twisted, they are straight forward. I don't mind if Sanzo tries his power play on Gojyo or me, but the way he treats Goku isn't okay. Goku's still a child inside, he needs protection and love, he needs reassurance and the feeling to be wanted. Goku's living for those rare moments when his 'sun' shows affection, like a quick pat on the head, and he's happy for hours after that. One would think that someone like Sanzo, who's an orphan himself, would understand such needs better than anyone else.

Well, I guess he does understand, but that didn't change his attitude towards Goku much. In the first few months after we met, I often noticed how Sanzo's answer to anything he considered annoying was whipping out his harisen, or kicking Goku with his feet. Either that, or he just ignored his young companion. And Goku thought that it was okay, that it had to be this way because he was too dumb to understand anything else. It's not that Sanzo didn't care about Goku back then. In a way, Goku was for Sanzo what Hakaryuu became for me, but while I cherish the responsibility a 'pet' brings, Sanzo dodged it by all means short of outright telling Goku to leave. Only, Goku isn't a pet, he's an intelligent young man, and he deserves to be treated like one. He has matured, has gained self-respect and the knowledge that he has more reasons to live than fetching cigarettes for a grumpy monk. Sanzo has to bend, or he will some day loose more than he can handle, because those two are family to each other, father and son. Brothers.

Can you imagine that our high and mighty monk deemed it below him to teach Goku how to read and write, or how to count beyond ten? Not that I can really blame him - the kid requires a lot of patience and Sanzo had barely grown out of childhood himself by the time he picked up Goku, being only what, fifteen or sixteen? Sanzo doesn't talk much about his past, and the little he has volunteered, or the things that he screams in his nightmares only deliver fragments of an image. It must've been terrible to be torn out of his protected childhood world by losing his beloved sensei, but is that a reason to push away someone who needs him? He's so scared of being weak that it becomes a weakness in itself.

Our lives are as fragile as our emotions. You need to protect yourself, but you only can build walls around you for so long before you get buried by them. Sanzo can't close his eyes any longer and pretend he doesn't care, because his own actions have destroyed most of his delusions and illusions. What's left of this man if you take away his gun and the sutra? His safety net of pride and arrogance is torn down by things that are stronger than him.

I feel sorry for Sanzo. Even if he's not guilty with my crimes, I can at least show that I care without fearing to lose my face. Hell, what face does he have to lose, anyway? He's not exactly Mr 'Perfect Monk of the Year' to begin with, and none of us will think less of him if he behaved a bit more like the human being we all know he is. Maybe that's his problem, being 'only human'. Being human, to him, is bearing the cross of being too weak to defend those he loves, being too attached to walk away, being too soft to complete his self-chosen mission of revenge. So he's selling his soul to the darkness piece by piece and I wonder if he even realizes how horrible the price is he pays with every person he kills. As a demon, I'm strong enough to protect those I love, and I'm not soft and kind like I used to be when Kanan was still alive. I could probably even walk away from these three men. Only, I won't, because I would turn onto a monster, something that the spark of humanity that's left inside me won't allow happen. That's right, I nurture that very same sort of spark that Sanzo so carelessly extinguishes in himself. Because, that's the one thing about being human you should never forget about - your humantiy.

But there are changes lately, subtle changes, but still enough of a difference for all of us to notice. His care for all members of the team shines through more often nowadays, and you can tell that each of us means a lot more to him than he ever would admit openly. Maybe we're rubbing off on him, with the easy companionship we share, or maybe all the close calls lately got him thinking. Maybe it's even simpler than that and he just found a family, a place to belong, just like the rest of us vagabonds travelling through life did.

Love is fragile. Life is fragile. I fear the day when my healing skills won't be enough to help them any more, or when my ki shield will fail. Because, you see, I love those three men, I care beyond the simple bonds of friendship. So, that's how it is. Love still exists in that small heart of mine, maybe not with the intensity and volume as Kanan brought out, and certainly not with the same song my heart sang to her. This is a new tune I hum, and it's a new tune I listen to coming from their hearts in return. Because, you know, being with them makes me feel perfectly in place, like I am where I want to be. Yes, this is where I want to be.

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Chapter 6: Inundation

Storm raged around him, and his body was soaked from the rain. Then the rain and the storm ceased, and he had never felt so completely drained of energy in his entire life before. A voice murmured something, soothing, calming, incessant, and suddenly the deadly strain on his body vanished. His muscles wouldn't obey his commands, not even his eye lids opened. Tired beyond anything he had experienced before, too tired to even think, Goku drifted off into sleep.

Soft voices woke him from his slumber, and the unmistakable smell of fresh food teased his senses. Goku fought through the thick mist of drowsiness that wrapped his brain into cotton, wondering why it was so hard just to open his eyes and get up. The fight. He remembered now, there had been a fight, and he had not been able to protect his friends, because the enemy was strong, stronger than any enemy he had fought against before. So, Goku had removed his limiter, ignoring Sanzo's angry yell, and ignoring the feeling that even his Seiten-self would not stand much of a chance in an all-out warfare in the raging storm. After that, his memories were fuzzy at best, but he knew that he the violent exchange had lasted long, and that he hadn't won.

The voices became louder, distinguishable, and Goku concentrated hard to follow the conversation.

"Shut up, Gojyo. I don't want to hear any more of your nonsense."

"But Sanzo! I'm sure that tomorrow..."

The unmistakable click of Sanzo's Smith & Wesson made Goku tense and wait for the bang of the weapon being fired. It never came.

"It's been five days, Gojyo! Five days, and he hasn't woken up. You know what the doctor said, and you know what Hakkai said. It's time that you face reality. We've lost enough time through this as it is."

Sanzo was angry, that much was certain, but there was something else in his tone that Goku couldn't quite pinpoint. It sounded almost like... Resignation?

"So it's five days, big deal! Let's wait just a bit longer, that's all I'm saying."

Gojyo's voice equally held anger, and a loathing that Goku had not heard Gojyo using on the monk in a long time.

"My, my... Please don't fight, you two. Goku wouldn't like it... and neither do I."

Hakkai spoke from really close by, as if he was sitting right next to Goku on the bed. Soft, mending healing energy suddenly tingled through his system, and he knew that moment that Hakkai had, indeed been right next to him. Why hadn't he felt his friend's presence before? What was wrong with him? Why was everyone acting so weird? But all questions lost importance when the smell of food intensified and send his senses into overdrive.

Steamed rice, friend chicken and spring roles with sweet sour sauce. A whole bowl of steamed vegetables in curry-coconut sauce, yum! Goku's stomach growled once, then a second time, louder than before. Hunger began to dominate his thoughts, enough to drone out the scary weakness that had his body in its claws. "Hungry."

His own voice was nothing but a far away growl, but Hakkai had heard him nevertheless. "Goku?"

"I'm hungry."

Again, it as nothing more but a faint croak, and his muscles still wouldn't work in an orderly fashion. If he only could open his eyes!

"Goku? Can you hear me?"

Excitement swung in Hakkai's words, and the creaking of furniture moving told Goku that Sanzo and Gojyo had left the table. The lingering scent of meat buns dominated the air all of a sudden. It smelled fresh, and the filling was his favorite mix. Goku really, really wanted that meat bun right now.

"What are you doing, idiot kappa?" Sanzo snarled.

"What does it look like, stinking monk?" Gojyo hissed back. "I'm waking up our sleeping beauty, that's what I'm doing."

"Waving food under his nose won't work, cockroach."

"Oh, so you've tried already, Sanzo-sama?"

"Shut up, bastard."

The gun clicked once more, and the meat bun was taken away. 'Oh, great.' Goku could care less about their vitriol bickering, but he wanted that meat bun.

"I'm... hungry," he croaked, this time loud enough to be heard, but every word caused pain in his throat. "Sanzo... I'm... hungry."

For a long moment, complete and utter silence filled the room, and Goku began to worry that maybe this was all just a dream. With an effort, he pried his eyes open, his vision still unfocussed, but at least it was better than the darkness that had engulfed him before. "I'm hungry, Sanzo."

Something metallic clattered to the ground, then his eyes had cleared enough to present him with the view of Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai, in various states of shock and disbelief. Goku smiled briefly, since even such small things like smiling and keeping his eyes open seemed to sap all his strength. He really needed food. "I. Am. Hungry."

"Oi! Goku!" Happiness radiated from Gojyo like heat from a camp fire. "See, Sanzo? With the saru, food works miracles."

"My meat bun?" Goku queried, knowing that he, shouldn't his stomach get a filling soon, would probably chomp out of sheer desperation through Hakkai's hand, that currently rested on his shoulder.

"Goku," Sanzo growled, his face filled with a mixture of gentle emotions for the briefest of moments. However, the next second, he was back to his normal, angry self and smacked the harisen over Goku's head.

"Ow!"

"You stupid ape!"

Then he turned around without further ado to pick up his gun that had somehow ended up on the floor, and sat down at the table again. Instants later, the lighter flicked to lit yet another of Sanzo's favorite Marlboros.

"You're awake," was all that Hakkai said, but he wore one of those rare and genuine smiles that lit up even the darkest hours.

"Meat bun?" Goku tried again.

This time, Gojyo finally reacted, and held the desired food in front of him. "Here you go, baka saru. Don't upset your stomach."

"Thank you," Goku said and reached out for the bun, because everything would be good again with food... only that his arms wouldn't raise and his hands trembled on the blanket, and he couldn't even lift a finger. Maybe he just needed to try harder. Maybe it was like with his voice, and his eye lids. Maybe...

"Goku, are you all right?"

Hakkai's smile faltered when he watched Goku's struggling, saw the obvious weakness that made it impossible to move. In the end, Hakkai had to spoon-feed him, and the trip to the toilet was as embarrassing as the sponge bath that followed later on.

"Why can't I move?" Goku asked when the ordeal was over, surprised how scared his own voice sounded. "What... What's going on with me, Hakkai?"

Hakkai looked crestfallen, as if answering the question confirmed something he would rather not think about, and that he would rather not talk about either. "Hakkai?"

"You're just sore from your fight with that wind-and-rain guy," Gojyo jovially said and smiled encouragingly. "All you need is a bit more rest and some food."

It obviously wasn't the truth, but it wasn't a lie, either. Gojyo wanted to make Goku feel better, which was all fine, because he didn't really need a truthful answer to what was wrong with him. Not when he was weak as a kitten – and as scared as never before in his life.

The next seven days passed in agonizing slowness. Goku drifted in and out of sleep most of the day, and in his wake times, he was constantly tired. On the bright side of things, he at least could hold chopsticks and a bowl with his own hands again. Gojyo kept him company often, to play cards or bring him food, or just to chat a bit. Right now, however, Gojyo was in town shopping for things that they would need for the journey. At least, that was what he said, but Goku had the sneaking suspicion that he was looking for female company rather than buy tooth paste and shaver blades.

Sanzo, of course, did do nothing but smoke and read his newspapers, when he wasn't arguing with Gojyo, naturally. There was an entire pile of reading material on the table, and even a couple of magazines and various mangas that Gojyo had brought home some days ago for Goku's entertainment. Sanzo didn't like magazines nor mangas, or so he claimed, but Goku had seen him hiding them in his robes whenever he went 'for little monks'.

It was interesting what one could learn about one's friends by being forced to watch. In a way, it was worse like in the rainy nights Sanzo and Hakkai hated so much, because at least Goku had been able to come and leave as he pleased, then. Now, he had no such means of escape. There were a lot of things that Goku had not noticed when he was bouncing around all day, or that he had noticed but never paid attention to. For example, the various morning rituals everyone had – from the way Sanzo always frantically searched for his sutra that he somehow managed to lose under his sheets during the night, over how Hakkai gathered all the packed ashtrays with a totally disgusted look and emptied them into the trash first thing after waking up, to the way Gojyo discussed with himself over what his hairstyle would be for the day. It also surprised Goku how smooth their group life had become over just a few months of traveling west. Despite all the fighting and arguing they did, everyone knew how to do just the right thing at the right time. It was amazing.

"Hungry?" Hakkai wanted to know, and placed a tray packed with food on the table before helping Goku up into a sitting position.

"Yes," Goku said, trying to put as much enthusiasm into his voice as he could, if only to make the false smile disappear from Hakkai's face and replace it by the real thing. "I could eat an elephant."

"My, my, you're in good spirits today. That's a promising sign," the healer tilted his head slightly. There were dark shadows under his eyes, and his cheeks had sunken in, like he hadn't eaten in weeks. "If you continue to get better at this rate, we can think about leaving here, soon."

Goku was certain Hakkai hadn't meant to remind him that they were stuck here because of him, but it still made him feel guilty. "We can leave! I'm not injured – it will be no problem at all."

"Stupid ape, of course it will be a problem," Sanzo snarled from his hideout behind today's edition of the newspaper. "You're useless, weak like that."

"Sanzo!" Hakkai protested sharply.

"You can't fight youkai, and youalready lost againstthat stranger once."

Goku felt like Sanzo had just told him to return to the cave prison. "But Sanzo..."

"You'd only slow us down." Sanzo snapped. He paused shortly, then continued in a slightly roughened voice, as if something was stuck in his throat, "This isn't a holiday trip, ape."

"I think, he wants to say 'I'm worried about you, so get better soon', Goku."

"Shut up. Die."

"I've cooked your favorite for you," Hakkai said, completely ignoring Sanzo's outburst.

"Thank you!" Goku smiled. The tray was placed on his lap, and under Hakkai's careful observation, he began to eat. After the first few bites, he lowered his chopsticks. The meal was delicious, but... 'I'm not really hungry.' Only, he couldn't tell Hakkai, could he? Not when Hakkai had cooked it, and what if eating would really do the trick? Hastily, he stuffed more food into his mouth.

"Once you're finished, there's a new healing method I'd like to try on you."

"Another one from the book Dr. Sheng gave you?" Goku wanted to know, and Hakkai nodded. "But... Didn't he say it's for experienced healers?"

"Why, yes. But not all methods described in there are difficult to learn."

That was true, of course. But Goku's own experience had taught him that there was a huge difference between learning and perfectly mastering a skill. "It's not going to be dangerous for you, Hakkai?"

It was another thing besides the weakness and the helplessness that scared him. How could Hakkai ruin his own body like that, when the result was zero again and again? Why was he pushing himself so hard, when it became clearer with every day that Goku was not responding at all to his healing powers?

"No, of course not," Hakkai gave a short, false laugh. "You know I wouldn't do anything really dangerous."

"Yes." Goku could feel how his stomach became all tight at the thought that the healer would take too much of a risk again. Hakkai had poured so much of his life force into Goku that he began to seriously worry about the older man's health. Both Gojyo and Sanzo had noticed as well that Hakkai was doing bad, but he had insisted that everything was okay with him. Of course, that wasn't true. Hakkai looked more and more fragile after each healing session, like a china doll that was ready to burst into a million fragments.

"I'm full!" Goku announced, after he had finished off the last of the baked bananas with honey that were the dessert. Actually, he was more than just full, he was ready to…

"Is everything okay? You're looking a bit pale," Hakkai observed.

Goku smiled again. Smiling seemed to be the only thing he could do nowadays, anyway. "I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired. I never knew eating could be such a ball-breaker."

"Ball-breaker?" Hakkai's eyebrows met his green headband. "Where did you-"

"Don't use that word again, ape." Sanzo dropped his newspaper in disgust, or maybe he was just amused because he had that particularly strained expression on his face that he always wore when he tried not to laugh out loud. "Pervert kappa. He'll break his balls all right, if he keeps up his lifestyle."

"Why, Sanzo, I had no idea you could be so vulgar," Hakkai grinned, though they all knew perfectly well just how vulgar Sanzo could be at times. "You're supposed to give a good example for Goku."

"It's the stupid bastard's fault for teaching the stupid monkey foul language to begin with."

Goku pouted. "But I asked him what it means and he said 'very exhausting'."

Hakkai chuckled. "Is that so? Didn't he say something about 'very exhausting women', perhaps?"

"Mmm…" Goku frowned. "Could be."

"Well, now that this is settled, why don't you rest a bit? I can do the healing later on."

"Okay," Goku agreed, even though he felt too full to rest. But whatever kept Hakkai from taking more risks was fine, so Goku closed his eyes and pretended to be fast asleep. Yet, somehow, he must've pretended too good, because the next thing he knew was that Gojyo was back in the room.

"… there are rumors that demons are gathering in the woods around the town." Gojyo related the latest gossip. "And the brave citizens are starting to act really scared."

"The inn keeper told me that one of his friends was attacked by demons yesterday. There haven't been any attacks in this area for a while so he thought it was unusual enough." Hakkai supplied.

"We'll leave by tomorrow," Sanzo said.

"What about Goku?" Hakkai wanted to know. "You don't plan on leaving him behind here, do you?"

There was a moment of pregnant silence, then Gojyo spat: "You can't do that!"

"I can, and I will."

"Bastard."

"Goku's a hindrance in his condition. He can't fight and he will slow us down. I have no use for him."

Goku's heart seemed to freeze and shatter into pieces, or that's how it felt because the hurt was all over him, and in him. But he also knew that Sanzo was right about one thing – he was completely and utterly useless right now.

"You don't really mean that, do you?" Hakkai asked, and Goku could tell by the trace of anger that laced the healer's voice that Sanzo wouldn't get his will without a fight this time. "I admit that it may take a bit longer than expected for Goku to heal. Maybe it's even impossible all together, but-"

"Shut up!"

"If the kid stays behind, I'll stay behind as well." Gojyo snarled.

"Like I care!" Sanzo hissed. "See how you'll do without my credit card, leech."

Gojyo's fists slammed onto the table hard. "Oh, how sweet. That's just like you, isn't it? You'd leave Goku behind without a single yen, as long as you can buy yourself a room, cigarettes and booze with that card, huh, monk?"

There was a low growled "You!", then several shots rang through the room, and Gojyo showered Sanzo in colorful expletives.

"Please," Hakkai tried to interrupt the argument. "You'll wake Goku."

The volume level dropped instantaneously.

"Still asleep," Gojyo said from nearby, his voice soft and caring.

"The stupid ape sleeps through an earthquake. No need to worry," Sanzo grumbled, but the sharp edge had gone from his tone.

"So, what are we going to do?"

Gojyo asked as if the previous argument never happened, and maybe that was part of the trick, because Sanzo said:

"I don't know."

Goku didn't know, either, as he lay there with his eyes screwed shut, and his thoughts in a mess, and his heart aching like it had never before. His options were limited to one choice. But could he bring up the courage to do that?

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Chapter 7: Scarred Love

Special thanks go to Muki for her betaing, the long hours of discussion and the information about Japanese language. I couldn't have done this without you. You rock, girl!

[Scarred Love]

Love? I don't care about love. Love is for fools like those three idiots over there....

Take Son Goku, for example. It should've been a warning that his voice was in my head. I mean, who right in their mind hears voices in their head? The stupid ape doesn't interest me, never did. Sure, I freed him from his mountain prison. I had to search for him, had to make that constant nagging whine stop before it drove me mad.

When I saw him there, sitting in that dark cave with this stupid expression on his face and a look that begged me to set him free, I just couldn't walk away. There's really nothing you can do when he looks at you with those huge, golden eyes of his, like a lost kitten. You can't stop thinking that you'd really hate yourself if you kick him out.

Tch. Not that I feel any better by keeping him around. The kid is worse than a tapeworm — once he sneaks into your system, it's near impossible to flush him out. Whenever I push him away, he comes back with twice the force, and it gets tiresome. Well, at least for me, but he just bounces around and is happy because I gave him a pat on the head. Idiot ape.

When I look into the monkey's eyes, I can see that he's possessed by the same childish weakness that I felt for Koumyou Sanzo-sama, my sensei. Goku's brimming with unconditional, innocent love that asks for nothing and rewards you with everything, as long as it'll get bread crumbs of affection in return.

Damn him. Why should I be attached to a noisy, ill-mannered teen who acts half his age, anyway? I hammered it into his thick skull with words. I kicked him and smacked the harisen on his head so often I forgot to count. But the stupid ape is just too dense to understand even the simplest of all rules. He's a lost cause. He's plain annoying, that's what he is. Not that I care. He just gets on my nerves, that's all. Foolish monkey.

His voice in my head stopped after I freed him. But does that mean I have some peace and quiet now? No, of course not. I still hear his grating voice day and night, and sometimes even in my dreams. I really don't care what he has to say, but he's so damned noisy. He's hungry, or he has seen something 'cool' that he wants to show me or make me buy for him. He bugs Hakkai, he fights with the useless kappa, he screams for meat buns and ramen to safe him from starvation. I swear, I'll kill him one of these days just to make him shut up!

Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku... Life is so much better without them. When they're not around, it's peace and tranquillity. I can read my newspaper, no one craves for my attention with squeaking about 'Sanzo this, Sanzo that'. No one dishes out verbal jibes. No one tells me that smoking is bad for my health, and no one insists that we gamble over who gets the beds and who gets the futons. You won't believe how relaxing a meal can be without stupid fights over who ate more spring rolls and who stole each other's dessert first.

But the meals are just the beginning. It gets even worse once we're on the road for a couple of hours. The back row idiots argue relentlessly over the same cherry on the top of their mental cream pie day after day. They don't ask if I have a headache because of their antics. They aren't bothered if I'm recovering from an injury because they were not doing their damned job. They could care less if I need a bit of shut eye because the stupid monkey sawed the woods of the entire damned planet all night long. You can tell that even Hakkai's pissed off by it, though all he ever says is 'My, my,' and 'Ah, how peaceful'. I wish he would say more than that, because at least those two idiots listen to him and are quiet when he wants them to. I don't know how he's doing it. What's his magic trick? Me… I yell, and they fight. I whack the harisen over their heads, and the fighting continues after a minute. I shoot at them, and even that only shuts them up briefly! It's frustrating.... Hakkai, of course, doesn't bother, he just drives and smiles, and he's so quiet that it gets on my nerves. Tch. Maybe I should just shoot all of them.

I don't need those three idiots I'm forced to travel with. They don't matter. They are convenient to have around, sure. Yet at the same time, they bother, and stick their noses into issues that aren't their business. They tell me to eat more, cheer up, relax and ten thousand other nonsensical things. They even had the nerve to bake a cake for me on occasion of my birthday. That is, Hakkai did the baking, and it tasted really good, what with using sake-laced peaches for the filling, and... Anyway, that cake wasn't the worst of it - they got me presents, too. I told them I don't care about birthday presents, but they insisted because they would 'come from the heart'. I tell you, that's so much like my foolish companions. 'From the heart', nonsense, smonzens.

Hakkai's cake I could live with, but when he whipped out a large bottle of valerian, I almost made him drink it. I'm the calmest person on the planet. Really. Well, most of the time, at least.

Gojyo's present was an one-way lighter with a posing woman on it. 'I had a really hard time finding this beautiful lady for you, so don't lose her like your other flames, Sanzo-chan,' the bastard said with that pervert grin of his. I slapped him senseless with the harisen for addressing me 'chan' and for the tasteless lighter. Hakkai almost choked on his tea with laughter, and the ape ogled as if he had never seen a naked woman before. Those two are really, really annoying. The lighter works nicely, though.

Goku gave me a flask of after-shave as a present, even though the idiot knows that I don't need to shave since I don't have any facial hair growth to begin with. But he was all smiles and told me that Gojyo had helped him pick it and how the kappa said it would make me 'more manly'. At that point, I saw red, literally. Goku got a whipping with the harisen, but only after I emptied four rounds of bullets on him and Gojyo to make them dance and scream, since it was my birthday. I'm manly enough as I am, thank you very much. The after-shave does smell decently enough, so I kept it. Not that I care about fragrances, but after-shave is a useful disinfectant. I also told the monkey that later on, and his expression turned from disappointed and near-bawling to the brightest smile you'll ever see in a living being. He's really an imbecile.

I wonder how sick-minded Kanzeon Bosatsu must have been to send those three with me on this mission. Okay, they are good fighters, I won't deny that. Our team work has improved a lot, and it's sometimes as if we know what the other thinks. But what do you expect, we're basically sitting on each other twenty-four-seven, and it's a survival skill in itself to stand through a day without killing them at one point or the other.

What I think of Sha Gojyo? Tch. I realized the useless bastard was trouble the moment we met. I knew I didn't like him the instant he kicked the gun out of my hand and pinned me to the ground. The second he pressed my face into the dirt was when I seriously began to hate his guts. My jaw hurt for days after that blow he landed on it. I swore to myself that he was dead meat once I'd get my gun back. Instead, he made me read a sutra for Gonou and his dead sister. I'm going to kill the idiot kappa one day.

The bastard is a walking insult. If he's not womanizing, he's fighting with Goku, insulting me, or getting himself headlong into all sorts of trouble. Hakkai warns him. Heck, even the ape has the occasional bright moment and warns him, but will he listen? No, of course not. His XXL sized ego won't allow it — who does he think he is? Savior of the poor innocents and the fair maidens, sent from the heavens to make the world a better place? Well, it's not like I care if his foolishness will get him killed, but if his follies get me killed I do care. But does Mr. I'm-so-cool-and-sexy get the drift? Not in a million years. He laughs and shows off, as if this trip is nothing but a game to him.

There's only one reason that speaks in favor of the pea brained bastard, and that is that he smokes. He has to share. Not that I care much for his cheap brand of cigarettes. They stink and leave a nasty aftertaste.

Though, Gojyo is not like those butt-kissing people who start trembling in awe if they just hear the word 'Sanzo'. He wouldn't know the meaning of the notion 'respect' if you'd tattooed it on his forehead. And he doesn't know when to keep his damned mouth shut. He pokes and prods and doesn't give up until he's dodging bullets. Idiot.

Cho Hakkai's case is different. He's my responsibility. At least that's what the Three Aspects told me, which confirms the saying that no good deed goes unpunished. The Three Aspects also made a point in that Hakkai has to show up on my doorsteps on a regular basis. I'm not his freaking probation officer, damn it! I don't know what got into me to vouch for him in the trial that day. I wouldn't do it again, that much is for sure. Hakkai wasn't too happy about it either back then, even though that has changed. He seems to embrace whatever companionship our crazy group offers. Never thought I'd ever see him in a somewhat contempt and happy state of mind. Not after what he did. Revenge born out of love. It didn't bring her back, no matter how many he killed. What remains once the anger and hate is gone? Pain, emptiness, guilt... Visible and invisible scars that hurt when it rains.

So, Cho Gonou became Cho Hakkai. He learned how to utilise his ki. He uses his own life force to heal others, including me. Technically, I owe my life to him about half a dozen times now. Not that I'm ought to give him gratitude or anything — I never asked him to heal me. Period.

He even acquired the ability to detect and interpret distant ki sources in a matter of months. Usually, it takes years of hard practice to master that skill. Hn. I hated all that practising.

He also read through half of the temple's library, and he has the background to actually make use of the knowledge. Tch, and his manners are getting worse every day. Lately, he has become quite an intellectual challenge, and even I have to stretch to keep up with him.

The monks in Chang'An are rather fond of him, can you believe it? Three years ago, they wouldn't want to be in the same room with him. Not that I blame the cowards. A merciless killer lurks under Hakkai's fraying layer of polite conversation and non-suspicious behaviour. But what on Earth makes those idiots at the temple think that he has changed? He's still a ticking time bomb, no matter how you look at it. His self-control is remarkable, but I've seen the madness shining through — there's no telling when and how he'll forget his promises. There's a bullet with his name on it waiting in my exterminator gun. I won't hesitate to pull the trigger if necessary. I know I won't.

Unfortunately, ever since he became my responsibility, he turned life at the temple upside down. That is, he turned Goku's life upside down because he started to teach him. Not that it bothers me much that the ape learns something. I also don't care that Goku's becoming more and more attached to Hakkai. Though, Hakkai comes usually in a package with Gojyo, and that guy is bad influence. Unfortunately, Goku's already glued to Gojyo as if the two were brothers. Same goes for Hakkai. It's none of my business, though. As long as those two keep the monkey busy, I don't have to deal with him. Nuisances. All of them. Too damned lively. Tch, those three really deserve each other.

No. I'm not attached to anyone. I don't need anyone. I'm perfectly fine by myself. It's scary how quiet it gets when they're out shopping for supplies, though.

The quantity of supplies we have to lug around is amazing. It's all Goku's fault, of course. His, and his black-hole stomach that swallows indefinite amounts of food. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I had turned around and left the idiot ape to rot in his cave, but that's wishful thinking. You can't change the past, no matter how hard you try. Before you know it, something rare and precious is gone, and you are reminded why attachment means pain. I look at Goku and the child that left Chang'An is no longer there. He's soiled, his free and innocent spirit is stained by the cruelties of our journey, by caring about all of us too much. He has changed, our blood is on his hands and he can't forget or forgive what he has done. I know that he remembers, from the way he looks at us, and from the nightmares he has sometimes. But it's not my problem. He has to find the right answers for himself on his own.

At the temple, I have several disciples. It comes with the job, a Sanzo has to chose and train his successor. Goku is different. He's not my disciple, though I try to teach him one thing or the other. But he's an idiot and doesn't remember much anyway. Most of the other disciples are probably smarter than Goku and Gojyo combined. But on this mission, they would be useless. Goku, him I don't have to protect. He can take care of himself - he has a strong body and an even stronger mind. My sensei said that those two qualities make a worthy Sanzo.

Strength of body and mind... You need both to make tantras work. I don't know how long I'll still be able to put Goku's limiter back on. It gets harder every time Goku turns into his Seiten self, because his strength has increased immensely. It's true that I don't have to protect Goku, but he depends on me to return the limiter. What kind of Sanzo am I if I can't even do that much for a stupid ape? If I fail... if I fail, there will be only one option left: to kill him.

I don't want to be a Sanzo, for no one, not even for myself. It's not as if the title would make up for all my shortcomings. I'm not strong. I can't protect anyone, just like I couldn't protect sensei. Did sensei know he was going to die? Would he rue his decision to make me his successor if he could see how pathetically weak I still am? Not that I care, I'm making my own choices, this path is mine alone. I don't need anyone's approval.

I shouldn't be weak like that, not after all that happened. I should not be attached. Still, I can't help how I feel, how they make me feel. It's like some huge gap inside me slowly begins to fill with life and warmth again. Sensei once told me that true freedom means to have a place you want to return to. To me, this place is with three demons in that too small jeep. It's a home built on quick sand. When the minus wave turns them into uncontrollable monsters, I will kill them. I'm not attached. I can't afford it. If they are in the way of my mission, they'll bite the dust, as simple as that.

Shit.

I'll be the one left behind, again. Alone.

Screw them. I don't need more scars that won't go away. I don't want to need someone. I don't want to be attached to them.

But I'm attached already. I need them. I don't want to be alone. Damn. Love, you say? I'm immune to it. Not that I care much anyway.

Thoughts? Comments? Like it? Hate it? Please let me know what you think!

Back to index

Chapter 8: Windfall

-Windfall-

Crimson contrasted with the azure of the horizon, heralding the rising sun. Birds chirped, welcoming the new day, and the small town slowly woke.

Son Goku roused to the sound of his stomach's growl.

'A new day. It will be a good day... warm and sunny,' he thought. 'Will it be good for me, too?'

It had been almost three weeks since Osore Taisho's attack. Gojyo and Sanzo's injuries had fully healed, but Hakkai was a different matter. In spite of going to bed early and sleeping in late, he was tired and listless. Goku knew that it was because of all the healing Hakkai did for him. But Hakkai wouldn't listen to anyone, only went on and on like a broken record, saying that there was some progress and he couldn't give up just yet.

'Progress? Sure. I can walk from the bed to the door now.' Goku watched the light outside of the window slowly fading to orange, before the sun's brightness erased the play of colors. 'Beats of falling flat on my nose half way, of course. But... Hakkai's half dead because of that.'

Soft snoring filled the room. He sat up with a sigh, and watched the sleeping forms of his friends. On the other bed, Hakkai lay curled up. Sanzo was neatly sprawled under the sheets of his futon. In front of Goku's bed, neither neat nor on his futon, Gojyo, too, lay sprawled. A mess of red hair marked where Gojyo's head rested on the matrass of Goku's bed, and the kappa's long legs were stretched out on the wooden floor. Strewn over the floor, empty beer cans and full ash trays were surrounding Gojyo – in one word, it looked outright uncomfortable.

'How can he sleep like that?' Goku wondered. But no matter how much he admired Gojyo's skill, his friend was still blocking the path. 'I have to climb over him.'

It was, of course, easier said then done. On shaky legs, Goku tried to find footing without stepping on Gojyo. Just when he thought he would manage, Gojyo shifted in his sleep and Goku lost balance.

"Ow," Goku muttered, grateful that he had landed softly, until the harisen made up for the pain he had missed earlier. "Ow!"

"Idiot ape!" Sanzo snarled. "Get off me!"

"Sorry!" Goku shoved himself off the monk's midst.

"Hn," Sanzo made, and closed his eyes again. Gojyo had woken up as well, and stretched his body with the grace of a wet cat after a downpour. Only Hakkai didn't stir.

"Need a hand, saru?"

"Yes," Goku simply said, knowing that he wouldn't make it up from the floor anyway. It gained him a frown. "Is something wrong, Gojyo?"

"Yes, you are," the red head grabbed Goku by his hands and pulled him back to his feet. "Since when do you like to lose?"

"It's not like that," Goku made a few slow steps before leaning on the door frame for support. He panted slightly. "But…"

"But what?" Gojyo interrupted, and just lifted Goku over his shoulder like a sack of rice. "It's not like you to give up so easily."

"I'm not giving up," Goku objected, staring down Gojyo's back. "I'm trying really hard. I really do."

"Then, what's it with the glum face all the time?"

"You noticed, huh?"

"Your fake smiles are worse than Hakkai's. Even Sanzo noticed... Why else you think he lets you sleep on the bed?" Gojyo laughed softly and put Goku down to the floor when they had reached the bathroom. "So, what's bugging you?"

"I don't like being this weak, not at all." Goku shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Through his jeans, he could feel the coldness of the porcelain sink he leaned against. "What if we get attacked?"

"Then we'll fight." Gojyo smiled reassuringly, fishing for his cigarettes. "You worry too much, saru."

Somehow, Gojyo's words didn't bring Goku much comfort.

x

'Quiet. This is too freakin' quiet.' Sanzo looked at his three companions, who consumed their breakfast... 'Like normal people. Tch! Not that I'll complain, but...'

Truth was, he had grown accustomed to their food fights and constant bickering, to Hakkai's quiet amusement and his own part in the game. But the routine had been interrupted. Instead of stealing food, Gojyo offered Goku part of his meal. The ape smiled like a Christmas tree on fire and ate, but even Sanzo could tell that there was no hunger behind it. And Hakkai looked as if he would fall asleep again any second. That, or collapse – whichever came first. 'This is so... wrong.'

Unfortunately, Sanzo had no idea how to correct that 'wrong'. He had ordered Hakkai to stop treating Goku, but that was as effective as telling the Yangtze River to revert from flowing downstream to flowing upstream. 'The only thing that would make Hakkai stop would be death... either Goku's or his own.' Threatening Goku to leave him behind had only made the stupid ape sadder instead of fueling his fighting spirit. 'That one backfired, for sure.' And there was no telling what Gojyo, being in full-fledged protective big brother mode, would do, once he'd learn about Sanzo's decision to leave behind Goku in the next Buddhist monastery.

The place was in a few hours' travelling distance. They should be able to reach it by late afternoon. If Sanzo's information was correct, the order there was one of fighting monks. Goku would not be too bored, and Dr. Sheng had already agreed to drop by regularly to watch over the monkey's health. Gyuumao's assassins and Kougaiji were after the sutra, they rather wouldn't bother with a discarded team member. Goku should be safe. 'It's for the best. In his condition, the ape will get us all killed. They might not like it, but it's the only reasonable thing to do.'

However, it still didn't feel like the right thing to do. 'It hurts. Shit. Just thinking about it hurts.' And if it made him miserable, then what would it do to the others? What would it do to Goku? 'And since when do I care about how others feel, anyway?' But it would be a problem. Losing a team member had caused trouble before, and forcing out Goku would put Sanzo at odds with both Hakkai and Gojyo. 'I wished there was a different way.' But he could not allow such sentimentalism to interfere with the mission - not, when the price to pay for keeping the ape around would be one in blood. "We're going to leave before noon. Make sure you don't forget anything."

Gojyo frowned. "Goku-"

"Goku will come with us," Sanzo finished his coffee, not daring to meet anyone's eyes. "For now."

For a few seconds, only the chattering of the inn's guests around them could be heard, then Goku said quietly: "Thank you, Sanzo."

"Hn."

x

After less than two hour on the road, it became painstakingly clear that Goku was in no shape to make the trip. He had turned ghostly pale not too long into the drive, but when he started vomiting out of the side of their vehicle, they couldn't continue.

"I'm sorry," Goku winced between dry heaves. Tears streamed down his face and he trembled like leaves in the wind.

"It's okay, Goku," Hakkai soothed. "You're sick, there's nothing to be ashamed about."

"What's wrong with the ape?" Sanzo didn't bother to leave his seat, the cigarette in his hand burning down slowly.

"I don't know." The healer sighed."It could be anything from stomach flu to motion-sickness. Maybe we should see Dr. Sheng about this... Do you feel a bit better, Goku?"

Goku nodded weakly. The wet cloth that Hakkai had placed on his neck helped a lot. "I'm okay."

"Not good," Gojyo muttered, materializing his weapon. "Youkai. Shit. This is not good at all."

"I'm afraid, it's getting even worse," Hakkai straightened. "Sanzo?"

"It's that stranger, allright," Sanzo growled and pulled out his Smith & Wesson. "Hakkai, stay with Goku. Gojyo..."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll make sure your pretty ass won't get busted."

x

'They are outnumbered, and their tactic is deplorable,' Osore levitated high above the battlefield, studying his enemy. 'But like before, they won't leave their comrades behind to save themselves. Interesting.'

The blond and the red-head tried to lure their opponents away from the weaker group members in the jeep. 'Bad idea. They are up against wolf demons. Wolf demons always hunt in packs, and there are more of them in the woods.'

And indeed, a second wave of demons had just waited for their chance to move in for the kill. 'Checkmate, huh?'

x

Anguished screams tore out of Hakkai with every ki-blast he fired. But no matter how many demons the healer maimed down, there was no end to the stream of enemies. His lungs burned, blood drummed in his ears and the world was losing shape in an alarming rate. 'They are strong. No small fries this time...?' Behind him, Goku leaned heavily against Jeep's chassis, using Nyo-I-Bo's long range abilities for defense, but it was nowhere near enough to turn the tide. 'This... is bad. I can't...'

Something slammed into Hakkai hard, and then there was only darkness, delivering him from all thoughts and worries.

x

"Hakkai!" Goku could only stare in shock at his downed friend. The demon, who had broken through their line of defense, grinned.

"You're next, kid!"

"In your dreams," Goku howled and launched himself on his adversary. The next thing he knew was that he was knocked off his feet and Nyo-I-Bo rolled from his hands.

"Say again?" the demon smirked.

"Shit!" Goku scuttled back with sluggish moves. It was no good. With his weakened body, he stood no chance of escape. 'Must fight! This is... Pathetic... '

"Game over, midget."

Like hypnotized, Goku stared at the raised club that was ready to trash his head. But the blow never came. Instead, the demon dropped his weapon and began choking. Blood streamed from his body openings, then he crumbled to the ground. But it didn't stop at that one demon. One by one, the other attackers fell. Whether they were dead or unconscious, Goku couldn't tell.

"Sanzo?" Bewildered, he searched for the monk. 'Was that the sutra?'

But Sanzo and Gojyo seemed to be as surprised as Goku himself, climbing over fallen bodies as they rushed back to the jeep. Gojyo waved frantically and Sanzo's mouth moved, but no sound reached Goku. Halfway, his friends suddenly stumbled, wheezing as if they were out of air. Yet, whatever caused their problems, it wasn't enough to bring them down completely.

"Sanzo! Gojyo!" Goku yelled, but his voice echoed back like in a small room. He frowned. 'What just happened here?'

"You're pathetic, really."

"Huh?" Goku spun around. Black hair and golden eyes, radiating an aura of power that made the sun pale in comparison,their enemy hovered above Jeep. "You!"

"Yes, me." Osore's smile had a wicked flavor. "Don't you at least want to thank me for saving you and your friends?"

Sanzo's extermination gun spat fire, but the bullets bounced off an invisible wall, just like the blade of Gojyo's Shakojou.

"Ungrateful friends, I may add."

"What the-" Goku frantically pulled himself up, using Jeep for support. "What did you do to them?"

"Nothing much... I just reduced the amount of oxygen around them and used it to create a sufficiently stable barrier of extremely dense air," the stranger explained with a bored expression. "Simple, efficient and very effective."

"Uh... Er... Whatever..." Goku dug his fingers into the driver's seat. "Can't you release them?"

"And ruin the day by being forced to dodge bullets or have my head chopped off? I don't think so." The smile was back to the man's face, but there was something dark and dangerous in his eyes that sent a shiver down Goku's spine. "Our harmless spar last time left you in a predicament, methinks. I wonder, though..."

The stranger's hands moved, and Goku could no longer breath. His knees buckled, and through the ringing in his ears,his enemy'sfading voice mocked: "What will you do when I come back for the real thing?"

x

"That bastard is playing with us!" Gojyo angrily flicked cigarette ash out of the car, carefully steering around another pothole at the same time. "And we still don't know what he's after."

"I don't think he's one of Kougaji's henchmen." Sanzo sent another tentative look to the back row, where Hakkai and Goku rested. Both had been unconscious whentheir attackerhad vanished, but it hadn't taken long for them to come around, fortunately. Still, Hakkai was in no condition to drive, and Goku had used up whatever reserves he had possessed. 'At least, they will be okay... for now.'

"Maybe he's another one of those crazy gods," Gojyo suggested.

"Possible, but not very likely." Sanzo closed his eyes and gathered his courage to say what needed to be said. "There's a Buddhist monastery not to far from here. We'll rest there for the night."

"What?"

The jeep came to a screeching halt.

"Stupid bastard!' Sanzo reflexively smacked his harisen over the kappa's head. "Are you trying to get us all killed?"

"N-no, but..." Gojyo stared at him wide-eyed. "Did you just say we'll stay in a monastery?"

"Yes."

"Are you serious?"

Sanzo just glared at his obnoxious team mate.

"Okay, okay... But I'm sure that there's an inn in the next village," Gojyo said patiently, as if he was talking to a child. "You don't really want to stay in a monastery. No smoking, no sake. They'll make you hold sermons, remember?"

"Hn. You're really as dumb as you look."

"Then enlighten the unworthy me, mighty Sanzo-sama."

"Neither Hakkai nor the ape are in any condition to fight. What you think will happen if we are attacked again in a village full of humans, idiot?"

"And a place full of peace loving monks is better how, Your Holiness?"

"They are able to defend themselves," Sanzo snarled. "And now set this vehicle into motion or I'll drive, cockroach."

"Why, of course, baldy."

"Tch! You're dead, useless kappa."

"Feh. That threat is getting old, arrogant brat." Gojyo stepped on the gas, but a few minutes of wordless drive later, he slowed down again.

"What is it now?" Sanzo hissed.

"You do know in what direction that monastery is, don't you, blondie?"

x

The unmistakable smell of incense stung in Goku's nose. He could hear chanting in the distance. Slowly, he opened his eyes, for a moment fully expecting to be back in his room home in Chang'An. However, Goku's room at the monastery did not come with a sulking Gojyo sitting next to his bed. Besides, they were far away from the temple, and... 'There was an attack. We fought, and... Osore... and...' "Hakkai!"

"I'm right here," a tired smile graced Hakkai's gaunt face. "Good morning, Goku."

"About time you wake up," Gojyo chimed in. "You almost missed breakfast. Not that there's much to miss..."

"Where's Sanzo?" Goku wanted to know. "Did that guy...?"

"Sanzo's fine. He's talking to the abbot."

"The abbot? So this is a monastery?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Gojyo sighed. "Can you believe it? Sanzo voluntarily stayed here. Even knew precisely where the place was located, as if he had planned on coming here."

"Well, this monastery is known for their skilled fighters," Hakkai explained. "It probably is the safest place to be in our situation."

'A safe place,' Goku thought. 'Is that why Sanzo wanted to come here? To leave me behind?'

Even though it wasn't unexpected, it still hurt. 'I'm selfish. They would have to defend me all the time.' And that had almost cost them their lives the previous day. 'I don't want to be a burden. And Hakkai... he can get well again without wasting his energy on me.' Goku knew that his journey to the west had ended. 'I can probably stay here for a while. Who knows, maybe my body will really get better in time. And if not...' He really didn't want to think about what would happen then, but it was a likely future. 'They can always send me back to Chang'An...'

"Goku, is everything all right?" Hakkai's voice yanked him out of his musings. "You looked so sad just a moment ago."

"Uh... Yes, Hakkai. I'm fine." Goku couldn't even fake a smile any more. Everything inside him was slowly going numb with pain. "I'm just hungry."

Hakkai frowned, but didn't ask any further. Goku somehow made it over to the table and reached for a manjuu. He didn't expect the bun to be filled with meat, not in a Buddhist monastery. But the manjuu was surprisingly good. Still, the simple meal was almost too much to stomach as he watched Hakkai and Gojyo packing their stuff. 'It's just a normal travel day for them. Like nothing happened at all.'

Jeep landed next to Goku, making soft squeaking and purring noises, as if he wanted to tell a funny story. 'You know that it's goodbye, huh?' Goku cuddled the small dragon, until Jeep flapped his wings and meeped in protest. Of course, Hakkai lectured Goku about mistreating their pet. 'I don't mind Hakkai scolding me. He's never mean, like the monks in Chang'An.'

Gojyo snatched the last slice of water melon from Goku's plate, and they went into one of their usual arguments. 'It's like doing things for the last time ever... I'm going to miss this... I'm missing Hakkai and Gojyo already, even though they are still here.'

But when Sanzo entered the room, Goku almost lost it. 'I don't want to cry. I don't want to be pathetic.'

Sanzo's expression was grim. "Goku... You're awake."

"Brilliant observation," Gojyo muttered.

"Shut up."

Sanzo's voice was rougher than usual, and Goku could tell that the older man did not like his role in the play at all.

'I can't let him carry that burden. It's my choice... My choice alone! I'm not going to be left behind.'

Goku cleared his throat a couple of times before he was able to speak. "Everyone... I have something to say."

He had expected a stupid remark from Gojyo, but to his surprise, the kappa remained quiet.

"I... After yesterday... I gave it a thought... I'd only be in the way... So... I'm sorry, but... Sanzo... I want to go back to Chang'An."

Thoughts? Comments? Foul eggs? Pizza slices? Manjuu? Please let me know what you think.

Special thanks go to Muki for her help with this chapter!

Getsumei Fuuei; Illusion of a Shadowed Moon

Song by Mika Arisaka (Translation by Muki)

Tsukikage wo doko made mo, umi wa hirogaru

Giniro no yasashisa ni, ima wa nemurou

(Moonlight spreads everywhere and so does the sea

Let us sleep now in the silver tenderness)

Kioku no naka de, sagashi tsuzuketa

Hito no nukumori, kodoku no ame ni

(Standing in a rain of loneliness I kept searching

In my memories for human warmth)

Kono karada kuchitemo, kitto hashiri toosu

Ano sekai no hate no, niji ni todoku made wa

(Even if my body rots, do not doubt I will keep running

To the end of that world, until I reach the rainbow)

Toki no suna kazoeteta, nani mo shirazu ni

Itsuwari no yume no naka, kotoba ushinau

Yureru manazashi, honou no naka de

Chikau kokoro ha, itsu itsu made mo

(A shaking silhouette in the middle of the flame

The vow of my heart shall last forever)

Kono inori todoke yo, fukai wadachi koete

Kono sekai no hate no, chikai mamori toosu

Back to index

Chapter 9: Delisquescence

[Deliquescence]

"I want to go back to Chang'An."

Gojyo gaped, feeling like he'd been sucker punched. The unexpected news had snuffed out any coherent thought. "Go… back?"

"Goku?" Hakkai looked baffled. But when Goku shot him a pleading look, he smiled sadly. "I understand."

"You understand?" Gojyo couldn't believe it. "Hakkai!"

Goku's eyes brimmed with raw emotions, like he wanted to cry, but there was also fierce determination in his expression. "It's the only way, Gojyo."

"The only way?" Something seemed to be stuck in Gojyo's throat and no matter how often he swallowed, it kept on choking him. "Baka saru! Don't-"

"Shut up," Sanzo cut him off, then turned his attention to youngest member of the team. "Goku... are you sure about this? You want to go back?"

"Yes, Sanzo. It's my decision." Goku said, facing the man he had followed around for the past seven years. His calm confidence surprised Gojyo. "I want to go back."

"Hn. The abbot will provide you with a place to stay until you're ready to travel." Gojyo watched the way sadness and relief flickered over Sanzo's face. The monk's voice was unusually deep and rough, and his eyes were fixed on the neatly packed bags on Hakkai's bed. "You'll be safe here."

"Sanzo..." Goku began, but then he just shook his head. Whatever he had wanted to say was to remain a secret. "Thank you."

Gojyo fought for composure. 'This can't be happening.' But it was happening, and there was exactly nil that he could do to stop the madness. And Hakkai... Hakkai looked crestfallen, as if his heart had been ripped out and delivered to him on a plate. 'Damn it, Goku. You can't do this to us!'

"They think you are my disciple, so don't cause trouble." Sanzo briefly placed a hand on Goku's head - an awkward, helpless token of comfort when tears began to trickle down the saru's cheeks. "If I have to return because of you, I'll kill you."

And then there were hugs, and promises, and that overall heartsick notion that made Gojyo hate good-byes. Hakuryuu licked away Goku's tears, but the affectionate gesture just made things worse. Only Sanzo, smoking through one cigarette after the other, kept his distance, as if this farewell was nothing but a superfluous procedure that consumed more of his precious time.

'How can he act so cold? Or is that the answer?' Gojyo mused, while playfully nudging Goku in the side. 'Acting cold, so that we all can go on with this journey? Glare into the face of tears...'

Sanzo lead the way, while Gojyo and Hakkai carried the bags towards the monastery's wooden doors. Goku followed slowly, pausing every so often. By the time they had stowed everything in the back of Jeep, he finally reached the exit, drenched in sweat as if he had fought against demons all day.

"Hurry up," Sanzo urged on. The nothing-can-bother-me mask hid whatever the monk might feel. "I don't have all day, stupid ape."

They boarded the vehicle, and for a moment, Gojyo hoped that Goku would just hop in and they could just forget the past twenty minutes. But Goku's spot in the back row remained empty. Instead, the saru clung to the frame of the entrance gate for support.

"I'm sorry, Goku." Hakkai stared at his hands that held the steering wheel with enough force to make his knuckles white; unable or — Gojyo thought - unwilling to meet Goku's eyes. "If I were a better healer..."

"It's not your fault, Hakkai," Goku smiled, despite the tears that glistened in his eyes.

"Don't annoy the monks," was all Gojyo managed.

"Ch. I don't have time for this nonsense." Sanzo fixed his look on Jeep's hood. "We're leaving."

"Sanzo..." Goku's voice trailed off. Then, after what seemed like a lifetime, he pressed out: "Sayonara."

xx.

Trees, fields, rivers, hills dotted with flowers in full bloom - the landscape passed by in an endless, repetitive blur of colors and shapes. The country road was full of potholes that painfully jostled vehicle and passengers alike in an unsteady, agonizing beat, but the three men had learned to tolerate the abuse. Dust clouds billowed from the jeep's tires like a banner, announcing the travelers from a far away distance, a telltale signal to any pursuers as to where to find their prey.

Gojyo stared at the scenery, lulled in by the soft purring noise of the engine. He vividly recalled the expression on Goku's face when they had driven away watching him wave and cry. And when the monastery had vanished from sight after they passed over a hill, they had heard the kid's heart-wrenching screams of their names. 'He sounded like a mortally wounded animal.' Gojyo had never felt that helpless before in his adult life, and even now, days later, the memory made him sad.

The day they had abandoned Goku, Hakkai had collapsed in their room from sheer exhaustion, the stubborn pretense of 'I'm fine' revealed as a blatant lie. Seeing Hakkai faint had driven Gojyo half insane with worry, and it was Hakkai's fragile state of health that had kept Sanzo from getting drunk out of his mind that evening.

'You idiots can't be trusted to stay out of trouble,' he said, and the bottle of high-proof alcohol had remained untouched. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, leaving Goku behind had taken its toll on the choleric iceberg.

'In retrospect it's crystal clear,' Gojyo thought. 'Who's the idiot now, huh, Sanzo-sama?'

Another vicious jolt of the jeep jugged Gojyo back to reality. "Damn it! Drive more careful, will you, Hakkai?"

Only Sanzo seemed undisturbed by the bumpy ride, but that didn't surprise Gojyo at all. The corrupted monk had made it a habit to sleep during the day to make up for insomniac nights. 'As long as Hakuryuu moves, you're safe, huh?'

"If I go slower, we won't make it to the next village before nightfall," Hakkai explained with a tinge of regret in his tired voice. "I'm sorry."

"Naw, it's okay." The ever-present smile couldn't fool Gojyo a bit about his friend's condition. Even after two days of rest in the back seat while Gojyo drove, Hakkai looked like a ghost of himself. It scared Gojyo, because he knew perfectly well what risks the healer took whenever he performed his perceived 'duty'. "I don't want to camp in these demon-infested woods, either."

The uneasy silence returned, which had them in its grip ever since- 'I wonder how the saru's doing, all on his own.' Gojyo sighed and leaned back on the seat, trying to ignore the unusually rough ride.'Should've stayed with him...'

"Do you think Goku will be all right being alone with strangers?" Hakkai's disquieted glance reflected in the rear view mirror.

"He'll be fine," Gojyo tried a reassuring smile, wondering once again if his friend had added mind reading to his impressive repertoire of abilities. "He's a big boy already."

“Still, I'm not very comfortable at the thought of leaving Goku without protection.” There was a slight pause before Hakkai continued, “In his current condition, he can't defend himself.”

"So, the saru's in danger and Sanzo knows it. And I don't think the monks will stand a chance against Gyuumao's assassins," Gojyo pondered, but most of his voice was swallowed by the rush of wind. A bit louder, he suggested, "We could make a u-turn and get him back."

"No," Hakkai shook his head. "I don't think that they will go after Goku."

"And what if Kougaiji kidnaps him?" Gojyo wanted to know. "What if he makes us choose between Goku and the sutra?"

"Kougaiji would never stoop that low," his friend objected. "However, other demons might not have his moral inhibitions."

"Wings."

"Huh?" The jeep promptly found another dust bowl when Hakkai turned his head sharply.

"Man, watch the damned road!" Gojyo scolded. "I'll be bruised all over by the time we hit town."

"Sorry," said Hakkai with the air of impatience in his tone. "What you mean by 'wings'?"

"Hakuryuu always flies away when we're under attack, so he's safe," Gojyo explained. "Now, if Goku had wings..."

"Goku. Wings." Hakkai shot him a peculiar look. "Are you sure you didn't suffer cerebral damage?"

"Well, maybe we can trade in Sanzo for one of Kougaiji's Flying Dragons," Gojyo specified with a pout.

"I don't think he'd like that." Hakkai frowned, casting a sideways glance on the snoring blond.

"But I'd like that." Gojyo grumbled. "It's his fault, saying all that crap when Goku felt bad."

"Don't blame Goku's choice on Sanzo."

Hakkai's voice had a warning tone to it and suddenly, things snapped into place. 'Wisdom of the heart.' Gojyo's eyes widened in surprise, and he stared at their resident monk with a smile. 'That bull headed idiot… Sanzo couldn't leave Goku behind, so the baka of a saru took matters into his own hands, huh?'

Conversation died once more, and they spent the better part of an hour in silence. Gojyo's thoughts lingered on making plans for the evening, before tumbling off into random observations.

"It was Goku's decision, and it's probably better this way, but..." Hakkai picked up the thread again. Cautiously, he slowed the jeep to maneuver around a half-rotten tree trunk that reached into their path. "I can't help thinking that we gave up too easily."

"I think we've tried everything possible," Gojyo told Hakkai, kneeling behind the driver's seat. He could see that Sanzo was still fast asleep.'Or, at least, he feigns sleep better than usual.'

"You still feel it was wrong to leave Goku behind, don't you?" Hakkai wanted to know. It was a rhetorical question, they both knew it, but even rhetorical questions were better than nothing. "He made that choice on his own free will. He doesn't want to endanger us."

"Yes, I know. But that doesn't mean I have to like it," Gojyo growled loud enough to carry over the noise of Jeep's engine. "What if the saru's doing better already?"

"In just three days? I beg you," Hakkai's lips thinned. "It may take months, maybe even years for Goku to heal and lead a normal life again."

"You're depressing," Gojyo informed his friend.

"I'm just realistic." Hakkai sighed. "If we find a better healer, someone with more experience and superior techniques... Perhaps there's a slim chance for recovery. But such miracles don't happen for people like us."

"You'll never know." Gojyo smiled.

"Huh?"

'If everything fails, bring in the perverts,' Gojyo thought. "That Kanzeon-chick could show up again and save the day."

In the rearview mirror, Gojyo could see how Hakkai frowned. "Kanzeon-sama? I doubt that the Goddess of Mercy could be bothered."

"She'll be back. No woman can stay away from me for long once she tasted my lips, not even a goddess," Gojyo said confidently.

"She tasted you?" Hakkai smirked. "I dare say she took quite a bite..."

Gojyo put on a naughty expression, mimicking Hakkai’s speech pattern. "I dare say she aimed at a spot too high. Next time, I'll ask her to-"

"You, my friend, have no manners," Hakkai interrupted with a pained expression. "She's a divine being!"

"So? I'm a divine lover - and a pervert. Just ask Sanzo-chan here," Gojyo whispered conspiringly into Hakkai's ear.

"You're impossible." A brief chuckle filled the air, then green eyes closed ever so briefly before focusing back on the road, and they fell silent again.

"It's too darned quiet without Goku," Gojyo sighed.

"Yes." Hakkai smiled thoughtfully. "It's not the same without the constant whining, isn't it?"

"You want whining? I'll give you whining. - Huuungry," Gojyo mimicked Goku's voice, and a muscle on Sanzo's face twitched. "Did you see that?"

"Did I see what?" Hakkai looked confused. "Sanzo. Look at his face." Gojyo grinned and continued in Goku's whining tone. "I'm hungry!"

Twitch.

"I'm hungry, Sanzo!"

Twitch.

"Ero kappa! Hungry!"

Twitch. Twitch.

"Huuungry!"

"Shut up, stupid ape!" Sanzo's eyes flew open; he whipped out his harisen and, much to Gojyo's surprise, whacked it vigorously over the spot that was usually occupied by Goku. Sanzo blinked as if he was shaking off a dream for a few moments, only to realize that the kid wasn't there. "Goku..."

"He's at the monastery," Hakkai smiled sadly. "We left him behind, remember?"

"Hn." Sanzo grunted, before slipping the harisen back to his arsenal of hidden weapons. "Wake me again and I'll kill you."

Instinctively, Gojyo placed his hand on the monk's shoulder in an ill-fated, death-wish attempt to comfort. "We all miss him, Sanzo."

"Shut up," Sanzo grumbled, pushing the hand away with vehemence. In a voice so raw as if he had screamed all day, he added, "Die already."

Painful silence swallowed the group of travelers, their thoughts heavy as they followed the sinking sun to the West.

xx.

Warm light cast bright blobs of radiance on tasteless wallpaper, erasing specks of dirt that marred the surface. Gojyo watched the vivid display, inhaling and exhaling smoke from his cigarette in a steady, slow pace, too distracted by his own thoughts to even notice what he was doing. A soft sigh from the other bed in the room told him that Hakkai dreamt. For once, it wasn't a nightmare, evidenced by the gentle smile on the healer's face. 'Good. He doesn't need any more of those.'

Gojyo let out a sigh himself. The constant tranquility was grating on his nerves. They had been on the lucky side lately as there had been only one attack in over a week. Their enemies were small fries compared to what they usually faced, but it was a hassle anyway.

Gojyo knew that Hakkai needed the extra rest. His demon friend had visibly recovered in the ten days since they left the monastery. Physically, at least. The gauntness of his face had disappeared, and some healthier color had returned to previously pale cheeks. That didn't mean that Hakkai had come to terms with failing to heal Goku. On the contrary, the sadness in his eyes had intensified, unfathomable and too deep to cover. Green eyes, dull with — mourning. 'That's it, isn't it? Another loved one he couldn't protect. Another loved one he lost, and misses badly.'

Only, Goku wasn't dead, just a mere five hundred forty-four kilometers up the road to the East.

'But he could as well be dead… It's not the same without him. All the extra space in the jeep... Feels kind of… cold.'

Gojyo stubbed out his cigarette in the heavy glass ashtray that the hotel provided in every smoker-friendly room, and reached for the crumpled, nearly finished pack of Hi-lites that lay on the nightstand. 'I need to restock before we leave here today. Shit. That means I'll have to buy some for the corrupted monk, too.'

He wondered briefly how Sanzo was faring in his single room at the other end of the hallway. Since they left Goku behind, Gojyo had watched the stubborn monk's mood seamlessly slide from highly irritated to dark and brooding, and back again. 'Not that I care if he gets more grumpy than he is now, but he does have the credit card.'

And though it was normal for Sanzo to lose himself in the occasional bout of thought, he was clearly distracted lately. 'You feel it, too, don't you, Sanzo? Something bad's gonna happen.'

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, the nagging feeling inside, that told him he should have stayed with the saru, would not go away. Though, if he had stayed with Goku, it would have meant abandoning Hakkai. 'No chance.' Last time he had left the stubborn demon, it had ended in agony for all of them. Gojyo wasn't particularly keen to repeat the experience.

'Should've talked the baka saru out of it. Should've made him come with us.'

But that would have meant disrespecting Goku’s wishes. 'Bleh. The kid doesn't know what's good for him in the first place.'

Truth was, no matter how he looked at it, none of the options was a real solution. A cruel joke of the universe, or the gods, or whoever decided to toss obstacles in their way to the West, that's what it was. The result was always pain - pain, and hurt, and tears. Anger simmered under Gojyo's frustration, but he couldn’t be bothered to notice.

xx.

Another day, another town. Gojyo had stopped counting how many settlements they had passed through since their journey began, but this village wasn't any different from any of the others. Listlessly, he strolled out of the hotel's entrance. Not even the village girls could lift his mood for longer than a meaningless smile.

'Bread, vegetables, toilet paper, yup.' Gojyo mentally recited his shopping list. 'But first things first.'

The newspaper stand near the hotel had cigarettes and he also remembered to pick up the latest newspaper for Sanzo. It might distract the blonde for a while — at least long enough for Gojyo to find a bit of distraction himself, without being whacked into oblivion by the paper fan of doom.

Gojyo grimaced as he absentmindedly scanned over the first page of the paper he just bought. Damn Sanzo for agreeing on the saru's request. 'It should not have happened, not in a hundred years! I'll be damned if I'll allow the strung up monk to further abuse...'

"What the-" Gojyo's eyes widened in horror and he almost choked on the smoke of his cigarette. "Shit!"
He reached their room in record time. Hakkai and Sanzo stared at him in surprise.

"Sanzo... A trap," Gojyo managed between gasps, trying to catch his breath. "It was a blasted trap!"

"What was a trap? Don't waste my time with your nonsensical babbling," Sanzo didn't bother to get up from his chair.

Gojyo slammed the paper on the table. "Screw you!"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai intervened, an alarmed expression on his face. "What happened?"

"The monastery... Goku..." Gojyo shuddered, fighting for words.

"What about Goku?" Sanzo reached for the newspaper, his eyes flying over the words. "But... Impossible..."

"You promised! You bloody well promised him he'd be safe there," Gojyo growled, his grief searching a vent and finding it in anger. "You lying son of a bitch, you left him to die!"

"Shut up," Sanzo whispered, looking as if he was going to be violently sick any moment, the newspaper clutched fiercely in his trembling hands.

Next to Gojyo, Hakkai became more and more agitated. "Would you please be so kind and fill me in about what happened?"

"Demons attacked the monastery." Gojyo growled. "They burned it down to the ground. There were no survivors."

"Good grief!" Hakkai snapped the paper from Sanzo, and slowly sat down on one of the beds as he began to read. His face drained of all color. "Goku's dead?"

Back to index

Chapter 10: Dessication

The jeep drove down the road that lead away from the monastery, growing smaller with ever meter that added to the distance until it was nothing but a blur of colors disappearing behind a green hill. Tears streamed down Goku's face, salty droplets soaked the collar of his cape and the front of his shirt, but he didn't even notice he was crying. The reasoning that had given him strength so far dissolved into misery as he slowly sank to his knees.

“Sanzo,” he choked out between sobs. Then, the searing agony in his heart finally and forcibly tore through the feeble boundary of his self-control and he screamed: “Sanzo! Hakkai! Gojyo!”

But no matter how loud he raised his voice, his friends were too far away to hear him. In the end, he was reduced to a helpless whisper. “Sanzo...”

“Brother Goku?”

The gentle, alto voice of a man registered through the haze of pain. Goku became dimly aware of the small crowd of monks that had gathered around him, and fought back the tears. “Yes?”

“The honorable abbot wants to see you at once,” the monk said, extended his arm and pulled Goku back to his feet. “Please follow me.”

Goku nodded, following the monk on wobbly legs. Incense scent filled the air and stung in Goku's eyes — or maybe it were just more tears that just wouldn't stop from quelling. They passed through corridors and halls, progressing at a slow pace towards the abbot's office. Sweat soaked Goku's clothes as every dragging step drained his stamina further, but he didn't care. The mist of sadness that fogged his mind made it hard to think; not that he wanted to think anyway when all that his aching brain came up with were images of his friends.

After what seemed like hours, the monk opened a simple wooden door for Goku and they entered a simple furnished room where a plain dressed, ancient looking monk sat meditating on the bare sandstone floor.

“Honorable abbot, brother Goku is here.”

Goku quietly waited for the abbot to acknowledge him. Even though he tended to forget to behave properly most of the time, Goku knew what was deemed ‘proper behavior’ in a monastery. Sanzo had taught him the basic rules when the complaints had become too many to ignore.

“Goku,” the old man finally said, his gruff voice a complete contrast to the soft, melodic spoken monk that stood next to Goku. “The honorable Genjo Sanzo requested that you can stay here until you wish to leave.”

Goku nodded weakly.

“Asoka will help you adjusting to life in our community.” The abbot's words cut through the haze in his mind. “I expect that you follow our codes.”

“Yes.”

The old man shot him a dark look. “The honorable Sanzo informed me of your special... abilities. He instructed me to take all means necessary to stop you, even if that means your death... demon.”

Next to him, Asoka stiffened visibly, and Goku could feel the monk's eyes piercing into him. The initial friendliness was wiped away by resentment, even hostility.

“Honorable abbot, I object to allowing a demon into our midst,” Asoka protested, eyes downcast. “They can't be trusted.”

Goku's eyes widened — too often on his journey to the West, he had run into similar situations. “I'd never-!”

“Shut up. Because you're a disciple of the honorable Sanzo, and he gave me his word that you would not cause any problems, I agreed to keep you here for a while. But one false step or word, and you'll suffer the consequences.”

The abbot glared at Goku. The grumbling of the elder's voice sounded more like a thunder growl than anything you'd expect from a holy person. The awkward feeling returned that had always lingered in the back of Goku's mind when he was still in Chang'An. Back then, he had never been able to make sense of it, but now he began to understand what caused it. “Thank you. I won't cause any problems for you, you have my word on that”

His own voice sounded alien to him, so soft and lost that he almost couldn't recognize it as his own. But it seemed enough to persuade the abbot that he was sincere about his promise.

Half an hour later, Goku was back in his room. It was a small cell, dark and devoid of the lavishness that he was used to from Chang'An's monastery. A thin mat lay on the bare stone floor. There was no blanket and no pillow. Light came in through a small, windowless square in the wall, and the heavy door that closed the room made Goku wonder if this really was a monk's cell, or a cell for prisoners. On the worn down, wooden table lay his new clothing — a monk's habit like the young monks wore back in Chang'An. Goku had always refused to wear one of the kimonos that barely reached down to his knees, and Sanzo had never forced him to go along with the monastery traditions. But it wasn't like he could complain, or had a choice. In his current condition, all he could do was survive until Sanzo came back for him. But maybe Sanzo would not come back. A chill cascaded down his spine. 'Sanzo will come back. He did not leave me.'

He looked at the simple, silken robe with a sigh and began to undress. Then he donned the monk's habit and sat down on the mat, in the dimness of his cell. No sound made it through the window edge, even though Goku had heard the birds singing earlier. Even the clatter of wooden sandals against well tread floors couldn’t reach him in this dark cave.

The silence suffocated every reasonable thought.

No matter how much it was his own decision to stay behind, it still hurt that Sanzo had made plans to abandon him. Goku's eyes stung, sadness choked him as loneliness iced every fiber of his heart. “Sanzo...”

His vision blurred.

A soft tickle trailed down his cheeks. 'Tears,' Goku realized. He knew that the monks would take advantage of him if he showed his feelings. In this, they weren't any different from the monks back home. 'And they think I'm Sanzo's disciple.'

Sanzo's real disciples back in Chang'An never caused problems. They were well behaved young men who were much smarter than Goku, and knew sutras, and all the names of the different deities. 'How can Sanzo call me his disciple? All I am to him is a pest, or a servant, or a parasite. I'm too dumb to understand even simple things.'

The unfamiliar, short robe was no protection against the cold that leaked in from the ground, and Goku shivered. He hugged his knees tightly to his chest, fighting not to cry. Memories of his mountain prison cave vividly mixed with reality, reinforcing the utter loneliness until it became almost unbearable. Instinct told Goku to reach out for Sanzo, to call until the monk would come for him once again. ‘Why is it so cold without the sun?’

xx

Osore Taisho stayed near the monastery until his prey was safely on their way to the West.

To his surprise, the travelers had abandoned Son Goku. This came unexpected; he had believed that the bond between the four would not allow that one of their numbers was left behind. Obviously, Sanzo did not care about the remaining wolf demons that had gathered south of the monastery. Even Osore knew that wolf demons wouldn't rest until they had avenged their dead pack mates. Goku was easy prey; the human monks could not protect him any more than the sick boy could defend himself.

However, the turn of events made Osore's mission simpler. All he to do was lean back, watch the show, and capitalize on the mistakes his prey was bound to make.

xx

Son Goku kneeled in the garden dirt, gasping for air. His hand and knees were covered with grass stains and earth smears. The basket with vegetables for the kitchen lay on its side, its contents strewn over the ground where Goku had collapsed. Sweat trickled down his face as he tried to get up, but his trembling muscles refused to obey.

“Damn,” he muttered between labored breaths. “Why do I have to be so weak?”

“There you are! You're late for your chores.”

Asoka's voice made Goku cringe. The monk and him weren't on best terms after the meeting with the abbot, ever since he had learned that Goku was a demon. The past week hadn’t done anything to improve their relationship, on the contrary. Asoka behaved like a prison ward supervising a dangerous criminal.

“I got dizzy and fell,” Goku explained, but he could tell by Asoka's dark expression that the monk had no interest in what had happened.

“Whatever,” Asoka bent down to gather the vegetables, then helped Goku back to his feet. “The abbot expects you to take part in the daily discussions.”

Goku's eyes widened. He knew about the 'discussions' that the disciples in Chang'An did. One of the disciples was to answer to all questions thrown at him by the other disciples. Sanzo said that it helped you to develop logic thinking, and, in the beginning, had encouraged him to take part in the discussions. However, when Goku failed miserably to explain himself in the highly philosophical topics that were touched, Sanzo had told him to just quit. 'Probably because I'm too stupid and it was embarrassing for him to listen to my yammering,' Goku mused. Then again, Sanzo never bothered about things like embarrassment.

“Don't daydream,” Asoka jerked him out of his thoughts and rustled him back to the buildings.

Goku clutched the basket in front of him. “I'm sorry.”

“Sure you are,” the monk spat.

Goku swallowed hard. He could feel hatred radiating from the older man, and it stung like a physical blow. “Did I do anything wrong?”

“Wrong?” Asoka gave him a thoughtful look, then growled, “No, demon, but I won't fall for your false innocence.”

Goku didn’t reply on that, but the sadness and loneliness took a firm hold on his heart.

xx

Kougaiji didn’t hear about the disaster that had befallen the huge wolf demon clan of the Jindou forests until the news was already a week old. At first, he thought that Sanzo and his gang had killed off the careless attackers. However, the details of the tragedy told a different story. Sanzo and gang had been involved, but a strange, extremely strong demon had suffocated the wolf clan and rescued the monk.

Kougaiji wondered briefly if Sanzo had a new ally, but then he learned that the same strange demon had attacked the monk’s party earlier and nearly finished them off.

There was another thing that bothered the prince; rumor had it that Sanzo’s gang had left Goku behind in a monastery in the vicinity of the wolf clan’s lair. Kougaiji had learned enough about his enemy to know that such an action meant something was not quite as it was supposed to be in the ranks of his illustrious opponent.

“Tell Dokugakuji to come to my quarters at once,” he instructed one of his servant. It was about time to gather some first hand information.

xx

“I can’t believe he’s a disciple of Genjo Sanzo.”

“He’s an idiot. He doesn’t even get the simplest things!

”Goku heard two of the students talk in the corridor outside of his cell.

“Yes. Did you hear what he said when sensei asked him about the principles of The Way?”

“Haha! I’ll never forget that, if I get a hundred years old. ‘Can you eat it?’ How dense can you get?”

The owner of the voice sounded smug, and Goku cringed on his sleeping mat.

“No wonder the honorable Sanzo dumped him here.”

Laughter echoed from stone walls.

“Yes, he probably got sick and tired of the idiot!”

They continued to talk, but their voices grew dimmer when they walked out of earshot. Goku sighed.

Were they right? ‘Stupid ape’ — Gojyo and Sanzo always called him that way. The monks back in Chang’An said he was only good as a servant. Now, Goku wasn’t good for anything any more. There was another thing that had him on the edge. No matter how much he called for Sanzo in his dreams, the bond was fading with every day that the monk didn’t come back. Goku took in a quivering breath.

‘I’m nothing but a burden.’ Unwanted, the thought came back that lurked in the back of his mind for several days. ‘It’s for the best. Sanzo always said I was getting on his nerves. Maybe he’ll be happy now that I’m gone.’

Goku stared at the tiny window. Outside, the sky was blue and the birds sang. Usually, he’d be outside now, lying in the warm sun or under the shadow of a tree. He would nibble on some carrots or apples and watch the birds or the squirrels. But he didn’t feel like going outside. He didn’t feel hungry. The deep ache in his heart shackled him to the darkness of his cell far more effectively than chains or tantras could ever manage to do.

xx

It was almost noon by the time Dokugakuji landed the flying dragon in a safe distance from the monastery and tethered it to a tree trunk. He made sure to leave some food and water with the animal before he set out to solve a few mysteries. He was well aware of the demon that gathered not too far away from his position. They were many, maybe a hundred or more, and Dokugakuji could almost physically feel their blood lust. But the demon were interested in hunting humans, not other demon, so he passed the perimeters of their camp without problems.

The walk to the monastery took him little under an hour. Compared to the grasslands to the east, the forest was nicely cool, and the trees offered pleasant shadow. However, Dokugakuji wasn’t here for sightseeing. Kougaiji would arrive in a couple of hours, and until then he had to come up with some intelligence about what happened in the monastery. He carefully came closer to the buildings, trying to avoid contact with the humans working on the fields around the complex. He saw several monks and some children tending to the plants, but none of them was Son Goku. ‘Of course. If he’s here, he’s probably inside, not working on the fields.’

He wondered what to do next. In the current situation, just entering the monastery would cause problems, and he wasn’t dumb enough to trust demon-limiters to conceal his true identity against monks. Still, he decided to take the risk and check out the ground. Cautious, he pressed himself against the monastery wall, observing the humans’ conversation. After a few minutes of intent listening, he smiled. “Bingo.”

xx

It was late afternoon when Son Goku went for the kitchen. Not that he was hungry, but one of his chores was to help the cook. Goku liked the cook; a lithe monk with a friendly face and an equally friendly personality. The monk’s name was Sawao, and unlike many others, he didn’t seem to care who or what Goku was. “Hi!”

“You’re early,” Sawao observed and handed him a simple apron. “I thought you were in Raniksha’s discussion group?”

“They kicked me out.” Goku rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.

Sawao rolled his eyes. “Did they, now?”

“Well, I can understand why,” Goku smiled weakly. “I’m just too dumb to talk to.”

“You, dumb?” the cook frowned. “You’re smarter in your pinky toe than all of them together, Goku.”

“I’m not smart. Even Sanzo says I’m an idiot,” Goku protested sharply. There was a brief moment of silence, and Sawao’s look seemed to go straight down to Goku’s soul.

“You, my little kitchen helper, might not be smart with words. But,” Sawao smiled warmly, “you are smart in there, in your heart.”

Goku gave the monk a doubtful look. “Being smart in my heart never did any-”

The rest of his sentence was cut off in the sound of the alarm bell and frantic screams.

“Demons! The demons attack!”

xx

Cut, raise, push.

The blade with the magic powers and the always watchful eye was a gift from Kougaiji, a promotion and sign of ultimate trust after he had almost sacrificed his life to defend his lord.

Slash, pare, thrust.

A few more of the demon fell in a mess of blood an internal organs, but no matter how many Dokugakuji slew in his desperate fight for survival, there seemed to be two more attackers for every wolf demon he killed.

“Damn,” Dokugakuji muttered, searching for a way to escape the onslaught. Finally, he saw an opening in the stream of attackers, seized his chance and ran for his dear life. He was no coward, but he wasn't an idiot, either. There was no way he could defend himself against the sheer number of attackers that pounded against the walls of the monastery like the raging waves of a stormy sea against the shore.

xx

Knifes and pans clattered to the tiled kitchen floor. Boiling water splattered over unprotected skin, leaving blistering wounds and burning agony in its path. The demons had torn down the monastery wall down in the blink of an eye. Outside, monks lay in their blood, some mutilated beyond recognition. Screams and biting smoke filled the air. Peaceful gardens turned into battlefields where flowers and vegetables maimed together with the hands of those who had tended to them.

Son Goku cowered in the middle of the kitchen, Nyo-I-Bo firmly clutched in his hands. His bruised and burned body sent rivulets of pain through his nerve system. Blood dripped from various cuts, soaking his clothes, and he heard his heart drum in his ears.

Close to Goku, Sawao whimpered. The monk was mortally wounded, Goku's combat experience told him that much.

“Sawao,” Goku choked out. “We have to get out of here.”

The sharp crack of breaking bones sounded through the room when Sawao was hit by a cudgel, and the whimper became a chortled yelp before dying down. In shock, Goku stared at the monk. The intense stench of fresh blood wobbled into Goku’s nose, waking age-old instincts that were barely kept under control by the limiter. Wide eyed, he stared at the dead monk, then at the demons who had killed the friendly man.

‘Too weak… I am too weak,’ carouselled in Goku’s head. His helplessness made him feel nauseous. Tears burned on the bruised skin of his cheeks, but he did not care, not when Sawao was dead and his murderers went in for another kill.

‘I don’t want to die.’ A shiver ran through Goku, then he straightened. Nyo-I-Bo’s power pulsed, even made the staff feel almost alive in his hands, but he knew that it would not be enough to defend the attackers. “C’mon, bring it on!”

xx

Kougaiji’s flying dragon circled over the monastery, avoiding the thick smoke that billowed from the complex. He scanned the ground for signs of Dokugakuji, but all he saw was demons merciless slaughtering humans. Some monks tried to flee, others barricaded themselves in the cellars and used ki-techniques to stop the wolf clan. A handful even tried their luck in hand-to-hand combat.

“What a joke,” Kougaiji muttered. Their feeble defenses were no match against the superior demon powers.

The prince was about to do another sweep, when he suddenly spotted two familiar figures creating a free place in the field of swarming bodies. One was undeniably Dokugakuji, but the other was… “Goku?”

He forced the dragon to a lower altitude, but the boy had vanished from his sight, and his sword master drowned in the sheer number of attackers. “Doku?! Doku!”

Screams of blood lust and death answered him, but none of the voices belonged to the unusual fighter. A few moments later, Dokugakuji was back to his feet, his sword slicing angry wolf demons into minced meat. Still, no sign of Goku. Kougaji frowned. Maybe he had mistaken one of the disciples for Goku. The boy had worn a monk’s robe, now that he thought about it. But what about the information that said that Sanzo had left his young friend behind?

A shrill roar shattered his musings and he focused back on the monastery below him. His eyes widened in horror as he recognized the creature that had emerged from the melee. “Seiten Taisei Son Goku!”

Dokugakuji was right in the path of the monster’s destructive force. Kougaiji hesitated for the blink of an eye - it was either risk his servant's life or kill a crazed kid who would destroy all of them.

“What kind of option is that?” He muttered a depletive and forced the panicky dragon to land.

xx

The air was heavy with the sweet scent of blood. Seiten Goku reveled in the smell, thriving on the ecstatic sensation of an unlimited hunger for life.

‘Kill,’ the hunger in his mind said, ‘Kill them all.’

Any life would do. The image of a familiar stranger with long, blond hair and sad amethyst eyes briefly floated through his consciousness, but the hunger droned out all other thought before he could wonder who the man was.

'Kill. Tear. Destroy.'

He needed to feel the power, needed the warmth of fresh blood on his claws and the coppery taste on his tongue. He wanted to smell the fear of his prey. His lips curled to a smile when his clawed hands ripped out the throat of the man next to him.

xx

Blood and gore showered Dokugakuji when the monster shredded yet another demon. The sword master barely managed to escape the clutches of the beast, but he knew he was running out of time with every wolf demon that Seiten Goku massacred. Murderous glee lingered on this Goku's face like a malicious disease, distorting his features into a mockery of the kind person Dokugakuji respected.

'Where's that idiot Sanzo when you need him?' popped up in his mind, and, 'Why me?'

However, the answers to his erratic questions eluded him. Cold golden demon eyes stared at him. Seiten Goku's taloned hand swept the sword from his grip with ridiculous ease. The creature's snicker made his blood freeze - Dokugakuji realized with painstaking clarity that he would not survive this fight.

xx

Time slowed down, encased all motion in its net of immobility. Kougaiji recited the tantra that would call his fire devil ally from hell, rattled down the words without conscious thought as he watched Dokugakuji's sword fly though the smoke-hazed air. The last syllables slipped out of his mouth in a whisper, his dry throat refusing to sustain any other volume.

In his hands, the fire glow expanded rapidly, exploded in a wave of heat as the unabashed destructive force of a fire devil roared towards Seiten Goku.

xx

Power. Unimaginable power that threatened to consume him. Seiten Goku snarled, his body tensing like a coil in a loaded weapon. Goku's prey was forgotten, its feeble struggle quickly droned out in the lethal gale his new opponent had unleashed.

Goku ducked the attack with ease, and he dashed towards the buildings, hunting down the enemy who had dared to attack him from behind.

xx

The fire devil turned the monastery into a burning inferno. Those who had survived the demon attack burst into flames like dry cinders, but Kougaiji felt little remorse for the humans. He was no fool; he had fought Seiten Goku once before and barely escaped with his life. This encounter with the savage beast would be equally unpleasant, but he had every intention to survive.

Explosions shattered the ground. The heat was unbearable and it was hard to breath. The wolf demons who hadn't been toasted fled back to the woods in wild panic. In the corner of his eyes, Kougaiji saw how Dokugakuji ran for the flying dragon, mounted it and took off. He smiled, knowing that his bodyguard would come to the rescue with impeccable timing. 'All I need to do is stay out of Goku's reach.'

That was easier said then done. The creature was incredibly fast and cut off his way before he had a chance to get to an open place. Kougaiji’s fire devil scorched the area, but no matter how often the hellish creature tried to kill Goku, it was no good. Still, a little voice nagged in the back of the prince's mind, something wasn't quite right with Seiten Goku. Something about the way the crazed demon moved, how his graceful motions seemed to become more and more convoluted, struck Kougaiji as odd. Next to him, a wooden beam crashed to the ground, sending millions of glowing embers into the burning sky.

'If I trap him in one of the buildings...' Kougaiji grimaced when the heat singed his face. 'It might just slow him down long enough.'

He redirected his fire devil ally to an attack position, then braced himself for the final assault. “Hey, Goku!”

The creature turned its head, his fangs bared in a lethal smile.

xx

Dokugakuji clutched his broken arm tightly to his mid section, ignoring the pain that made him dizzy. Below him was a raging ocean of fire in which nothing could survive. Buildings collapsed one after the other when Kougaiji's devil wreaked havoc. Thick smoke clogged Dokugakuji's airways, and his flying dragon became near unmanageable when its survival instincts kicked in. “You're running out of time, Kou. Get out of there.”

Then it all happened very quickly. He heard Kougaiji yell Goku's name several times before a series of explosions leveled the complex. The shock-wave nearly knocked Dokugakuji from the dragon, and for a moment he hung over the smoldering ruins like a wet rag from a flag pole. With effort, he climbed up again to the dragon's back, his short gasps sucked in barely enough oxygen to keep him conscious.

The fire devil had vanished, and so had the monastery. Below him was nothing but ashes and blackened stone... and Kougaiji, who stood in a spot of intact ground, probably protected by a magic spell.

Seiten Goku hadn't been so lucky. Maybe he had been incinerated, maybe he had been buried under the debris of the collapsed building — whatever had happened, the crazed demon boy was gone.

Back to index

Chapter 11: Inclemency

I'd like to thank everyone on the ffnetauthor's message board for their kind support and the plot bunnies.

A special thanks goes toKarotsaMused, Salmastryon and Muki for their beta-reading. I couldn't do this without you.

Dokugakuji pressed his bandaged arm tightly to his stomach. It still hurt where the bones were mended and healing, but he had survived Seiten Goku's attack relatively unharmed. At the other end of the room, Kougaijiwas sitting at the table, absentmindedly picking at his food. Ever since they had stopped the search for survivors in the smoking ruins of the monastery and returned home, the prince had been unusually subdued.

"Kou." The golden limiter that lay heavily in Dokugakuji's uninjured hand was all that they had found of Son Goku. "I think we should tell them."

Kougaiji stopped mistreating his meal and looked up in surprise. "Tell who what?"

"Sanzo." Dokugakuji explained with a sigh. "We should tell him and his gang what happened to Goku."

"He's the enemy." Kougaiji's eyes fixed on the limiter in Dokugakuji's hand.

"True... But if roles were reversed... If Lirin was buried in those ruins..." Dokugakuji's voice trailed off.

"They left Goku behind," Kougaiji hissed, clearly appalled at the thought. "I would've never abandoned my sister."

x

Sanzo's eyes scavenged the headlines of the newspaper in his hands. In big letters, it read, 'Massacre! Demons slaughter all monks at Jindou monastery!' - the extended coverage even included a picture of smoldering ruins and bodies hidden underwhite linens. The subheading declared, 'No survivors.'

"But..." For a moment, all he could do was stare at the front page. Slowly, ever so slowly and with excruciating clarity, the full meaning of the news seeped into his conscious mind.

'No survivors. But that would mean... Goku...'

His thoughts froze in the vivid nightmare the words painted. "Impossible!"

"You promised! You bloody well promised him he'd be safe there." Hate twisted Gojyo's face into an ugly grimace, and his eyes seemed to glow with venom. "You lying son of a bitch, you left him to die!"

'Gojyo's right and you know it,' reproached the voice of Sanzo's conscience.

"Shut up," he told it, unaware of that he'd spoken aloud, or Gojyo's annoyed glare.

The condemning sing-song wouldn't cease.

Slight tremors ran through the muscles in Sanzo's arms and made the newspaper pages shiver. His mind churned, but at the same time it was as if his thoughts were caught in thick molasses. 'Lies. I would know... somehow.'

Invisible hands seemed to close around his throat. He became dimly aware that Hakkai took the paper from him, and he heard angst in the healer's voice before it was consumed by utter sadness.

"Goku's... dead?"

Hakkai's question repeated in Sanzo's mind over and over again like a broken record.

'Impossible. The idiot ape can't just die like that!'

The silence that filled the room was unbearable, grating on Sanzo's already frayed nerves even more than the hostile glances Hakkai and Gojyo shot him. Abruptly, he got up and walked over to the window. Outside, people hurried through busy streets, shopping for food, talking and laughing. The lively scenery didn't stop the feeling of dread that built inside him. "I don't care what the paper says."

It was quiet for a moment. Then, Gojyo said, "We should turn around and get the saru back."

"Gojyo's right," Hakkai added in, a glimmer of hope in his voice. "If we leave today-"

"No." Sanzo folded his arms in front of his chest, unwilling to cave in to yet another weakness created by unfounded optimism.

"But-"

"I said, 'no'." Gojyo's protest was cut short, and Sanzo continued coldly: "The ape is of no importance to this mission."

Hakkai and Gojyo stared at him as if he had lost his mind.

"Sanzo, please," Hakkai tried once more, the calmness in his voice audibly forced. "We should at least try to find out what happened to Goku. I don't believe that he's dead."

"Yes, the saru's tough as a nail." Hope shimmered in Gojyo's eyes.

Sanzo didn't reply. Since they had left the monastery, the ever-present link between him and Goku had dimmed out of existence until it finally snapped yesterday. Sanzo had known that something was amiss, but he had ignored the obvious until denial didn't work any more.

"We leave in an hour. To the West." He grabbed his cigarettes and walked out of the room, oblivious to the others' hostile stares.

x

Clouds, dark and heavy with snow, piled up on the steep, rocky barrier, unloading their freight on the landscape below. Wind gushed leaves over the mountain foothills, introduced them to the silent dance of the snowflakes before gravity plunged them down. Patches of white covered frozen puddles, their bright color standing out against the muddy brown of the ground.

'It's as if nature is mirroring us,' Hakkai mused as he cowered behind Jeep's steering wheel. Wind tugged at his hair and bit into his unprotected skin with a thousand tiny needles.

Hakkai knew he would end up with frostbite if they continued at this pace, but Sanzo hadn't given the signal to stop yet. In the back seat, Gojyo fared only slightly better. The half-demon's face was reddened by the whip of cold air. While his leather combination offered better protection against the weather than Hakkai's plain cotton shirt and green jacket, the cold still took its toll.

However, the physical temperature was not what worried Hakkai. Worse than the frost in the air was the frost in the heart, the wordless winter, which was capable of destroying in hours what had needed years to grow and groom. By now, the tear in the fabric of the group was visible to the eye, more than just a feeling that something was amiss. Hakkai sighed. 'I should have tried harder to heal Goku. I... Maybe if I had taken that final step...'

"Hakkai, watch out!"

Cut out off his broodings by Sanzo's shout, Hakkai stepped on the breaks, forcing himself back to the equally unpleasant present where Dokugakuji stood in the middle of the road. 'What the-!'

Jeep skidded to a halt mere meters away from the demon. Heaving a sigh of relief for having avoided a crash, Hakkai prepared himself for the fight that would inevitably follow. But, Dokugakuji seemed to have no intention to fight. There was no killing aura, no anger, not even hostility. Instead, Hakkai noticed that their opponent had one arm in a cast and had obviously come alone. In his other hand, Dokugakuji held a package wrapped in cloth.

"Yo, Doku," Gojyo greeted. "What's up?"

"We need to talk." Dokugakuji looked at the bundle in his hand, then at Sanzo. "Goku-"

"You're wasting my time. The ape's not here." Sanzo snapped.

"He... is gone."

The obvious distress in their enemy's words set off an alarm in Hakkai's mind. "Gone?"

"Goku's..." Red patches of frost bitten skin contrasted sharply against the sudden paleness of Gojyo's face.

"Wolf demons attacked the monastery where you left him," Dokugakuji explained. "We came too late."

On the passenger seat, Sanzo drew his gun and trained it at Dokugakuji. "You're lying."

"Sanzo?" Hakkai shot the monk a surprised look.

"The wolf demons were after the sutra," Sanzo snarled. "They had no reason to attack the monastery, or Goku."

Dokugakuji sighed. "You don't know much about wolf demons, do you?"

There was a slight hint of hesitation, then the blond sneered, "I know what I need to know."

Hakkai noticed the fissure in Sanzo's self-secure attitude immediately.

"Wolf demons have very strong family bonds. You killed their pack mates." Dokugakuji stared into the barrel of the Smith & Wesson without the slightest trace of fear. "Of course they would go after Goku."

Complete and utter shock graced Sanzo's face, his eyes widening in what must have been the realization of a grave mistake. The hand with the gun sank down into the blond's lap. "How... how did he die?"

"By the time Kougaiji and I arrived, most of the humans were dead or dying. Goku... He took off his limiter." Dokugakuji shifted from one foot to the other before he continued, "Kougaiji had no other choice but to summon his fire devil."

"That flame thing can't kill Goku," Gojyo objected. "He's stronger than that. Right, Hakkai?"

"Under normal circumstances, I'd say yes. But..." Hakkai hesitated. Sanzo's silence spoke volumes.

"But what? Don't tell me you believe this crap?" Gojyo prodded, denial filling his voice.

"Goku's condition might have affected his Seiten form," Hakkai explained with a calm that went only skin deep. "You know how weak he was."

Dokugakuji was taken aback. "You knew he was sick and still left him?"

"It was his choice to leave." The tone of Sanzo's voice was a clear warning not to push the issue.

"And it was your choice to let him go, huh?" Before Sanzo could recover from the rebuttal, Dokugakuji shook his head. "It's none of my business, really. I'm just here out of respect for the kid."

"Don't talk about Goku as if he's dead!" Gojyo spat. In the rear view mirror, Hakkai could see sadness brimming in his friend's eyes.

"He was buried under the main building when it collapsed. We searched for him, but with all the debris..." Dokugakuji's voice drifted off. He unwrapped the item. Brittle gold reflected the sun in the crisp daylight as he walked around Jeep's hood and next to Sanzo.

'Goku's limiter.' Hakkai's heart skipped a beat.

"I'm sorry. He... was a good kid."

Like scraping one's fingernails over a chalkboard, the message resonated painfully through Hakkai's body and mind before it released its hopelessness into his freezing heart.

With a slow, almost sheepish gesture, Dokugakuji held out the diadem. "I thought, you might want it back." A strange mixture of sadness and helplessness washed over his face. "Maybe bury it, or something."

Sanzo accepted the limiter, his expression tightly closed to guard whatever he felt. "That would be a waste of time."

What would've been a smarting remark under normal circumstances now just sounded pitiful and lost, delivered in an icy voice that threatened to crack like the speaker himself. Hakkai saw how the monk's knuckles turned white in their forlorn grip around the precious metal.

Silence lingered over the uncomfortable scenery until the rapid pulse of his own blood screamed so loud in Hakkai's ears that he could no longer stand it. 'It's true, then? Goku's really gone?'

Gone, just like that. Lying forgotten under tons of charcoaled rubble, dumped like trash for being a liability. 'Who'll read a sutra for you? Who'll set a marker stone for you, Goku?'

Hakkai winced when Kanan's death replayed itself before his inner eye, unwanted but with a clear message. It was ironic how he would fail to give a proper burial to yet another person he had cared about. His hands cramped to fists, but he waited for Sanzo to make the first move. 'You know that he won't go back,' his inner demon chided. 'He didn't go back for a living Goku, he sure won't go back for a dead body.'

However, there also was still a chance that Goku had escaped from the collapsing building and was hiding somewhere in the forest that surrounded the monastery. Small and feeble as it was, Hakkai found himself clinging to the hope that the youngest group member had somehow survived. "Please excuse my curiosity, Dokugakuji. Did you come here with a flying dragon?"

Dokugakuji shot him a surprised look. "Yes."

"It's a bit late now for flying dragons, don't you think?" Gojyo sighed. "We could've needed one a fortnight ago."

"I don't want to impose on you, but could you fly me to the monastery, please?" Hakkai's attempt to show a placate smile ended in a pained grimace.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo stared at him as if he had lost his mind, and Sanzo's expression was similar to when he had learned that Gojyo had left them to go Kami-hunting.

"Sure." Dokugakuji frowned. "Though I don't know what you want there. There's nothing left but ruins."

'I'm sorry for betraying your trust like this, Sanzo, but I won't give up on Goku until I learn the truth about his fate.' This was the only thing he knew for sure in the maelstrom of barely controllable feelings that fought inside him. Loyalty and care for those who were with him, and the need to rescue the one who couldn't die just yet - it was a no-win tug-of-war. "I understand, but… It's like Gojyo said. Goku's strong. I'm certain he's still alive, somewhere."

x

There was one thing to say about this 'place of the gods': they must've had to pay a heck of a power bill every month. Osore Taisho kept his eyes blindfolded so that the bright light that flooded 'The Room' wouldn't burn his retina, trusting his other senses to guide him.

He knew 'The Room' inside out - from the paper-thin wallsseperating the open plain into various sections, to the furniture of his quarters and the uncanny way the sink burped when you suddenly cut off the stream of water from the faucet. It was Osore's private hell, a place where he was allowed to exist while they denied him life. To be precise, 'The Room' wasn't really a room, but more of a wide, defined 'somewhere' outside of your regular universe. Incidentally, it also served as a refuge for him between missions.

The actual quantum-physic mechanics involved to pull this neat little trick eluded Osore, but he was well aware of the reason behind the masquerade. While the gods parked Osore in this safe haven, they plotted their schemes in Heaven or the world below, undetected by their fellow gods or the Jade Emperor.

Osore Taisho kneeled in front of the god who presided over his future. "You summoned me, sir?"

"Yes," the immortal being said. "The customer was pleased with the result of your latest mission. However, your orders concerning Sanzo and his comrades have changed."

With growing unease, Osore Taisho listened to his new orders.

"Do you understand? You can't let him escape," the god finished his instructions.

Osore nodded briefly. "As you wish."

x

Slowly, the sun crawled over the horizon, making the landscape glow in a fresh, warm light. The air was chilly; every breath became visible upon exhalation.

However, Hakkai wasn't keen on inhaling too deep to refill his lungs. The unmistakable stench of death and decay hung in the air. It was rising from what was left of Jindou monastery and wobbling between the slim trunks of birch trees in the clearing where Dokugakuji had landed his flying dragon. It was as if everything was soaked in the repugnant smell that threatened to choke the living.

The demon clan's campground was littered with bodies. Some had horrible burn wounds; others had been gutted and mutilated. Strangely enough, the majority of the killed demons had no visible wounds at all. It was as if they had simply dropped dead.

"Who... did this?" Dokugakuji's eyes flickered from one body to the next, clearly disgusted by what he saw. "Goku?"

"I don't know. Some, perhaps. You saw how Goku fights in his true form." Hakkai kneeled down next to one of the dead demons and examined the seemingly unharmed form.

"Very bloody, and with a vigor," Dokugakuji sighed and stood next to Hakkai. "Have you any idea what killed them?"

Hakkai's skills depended on the ki of a living person; amongst these lifeless husks he was nothing. Helpless, he shook his head. "It seems to me that they suffocated, but there are no signs of strangulation."

"Well... if you want to look for Goku, you better hurry." Dokugakuji scanned their surroundings for possible attackers. "I'll fly back tonight, with or without you."

x

A myriad of snowflakes danced around Gojyo and reduced visibility to near zero. The mountain slope was steep, icy and narrow. More than once, Hakuryuu skidded dangerously close to the abyss that opened to the left of the road. Gojyo's gloves were soaked, his fingers resembled popsicles and the wind bit through his clothing. In short, the day united all things he hated about driving in winter.

Of course, driving in winter was easily topped on Gojyo's list of 'things that ruin your day before noon' by driving in winter with Genjo 'Pain in the Ass' Sanzo in the passenger seat.

"Damned kappa! Use those useless antennas of yours and find us a shelter!" the aforementioned monk yelled.

"Screw you!" Gojyo shouted back, and cowered deeper behind the steering wheel to get better protection from the windscreen. "This is your all fault, corrupted monk! If we had waited until Hakkai came back...."

Sanzo glared at Gojyo with the demeanor of the wrongfully accused. "My fault? It was Hakkai's idea to go back to look for a ghost!"

"Goku's not dead, and I don't care crap what you think you know 'for sure'!" Gojyo prepared to step on the break in anticipation of Sanzo's reaction. 'Any moment now, he'll pull his gun and-'

"Shut up." Sanzo pulled his blanket tighter around himself. "Shut up and drive!"

"Or what? You'll shoot me?" Gojyo's anger, built up over days and only barely kept in check ever since Dokugakuji had returned Goku's limiter, seeped into his voice.

"Ch. You'd be too stupid to die anyway," Sanzo huffed.

"Oh, yeah?" Gojyo snarled. "At least it wasn't my stupidity that drove Goku away."

For a heartbeat there was silence. Then, in a dangerously low voice, Sanzo asked, "What are you trying to say? It was Goku's choice to leave."

"That's rich! Who told him that he's useless and a burden? And while we're at it, whose idea was it to dump him at the monastery?" Gojyo saw how the monk flinched like he had been slapped across the face.

"The wolf demons... I... I had no idea... " Sanzo pressed out. "It shouldn't have happened. He should have been safe..."

Gojyo blinked. This wasn't the reaction he had expected. The Smith & Wesson remained hidden in Sanzo's robes. Instead, the blond stared through Jeep's windscreen into the dancing snowflakes, pale-faced and lifeless. 'Blaming yourself won't do, Sanzo. I know, because I blame myself for what happened just as much as you do.'

With a sigh, Gojyo accelerated again. "Hakkai will find him."

"Hn."

x

The world seemed to glow in all shades of red when the sun slowly sunk below the horizon. A cool breeze announced the arrival of dusk, sweeping away the stench of death that Hakkai and Dokugakuji had been forced to endure all through the day.

'It's not fair,' Dokugakuji thought, unable to extract himself from the tragedy that had struck Sanzo's gang. 'Life's just not fair.'

Dokugakuji could see how the sad fate of their friend weighted on the enemy's group. Despite all the vicious fights and arguments amongst them that left onlookers baffled, Sanzo's gang was a lot like a family, albeit a very rude and lively one.

Dokugakuji felt for Gojyo, who had lost his replacement brother. Of course, Gojyo would never have admitted that Goku had filled that part, but Dokugakuji had seen the way those two had interacted. 'I was jealous,' he recalled. Well, he hadn't really been jealous, just ruffled enough to make him aware that life had continued without him for the small runt with the red hair he had raised. 'Then, I saw that smile in your eyes. I realized that you had found your place in life...'

"It's getting dark soon."

Dokugakuji was startled from his musings by Cho Hakkai's seemingly emotionless observation. "Yes. Ten more minutes, then we have to fly back."

Hakkai nodded and walked back into the ruins of the monastery. He was a strange fellow, that Hakkai, full of contradictions. In a surrounding that was capableof breaking even strong men, he had pushed himself hard, as if he had to make up for something. At the same time, Cho Hakkai practically oozed guilt and self-loathing with every move he made. 'Just watching him makes me depressed,' Dokugakuji thought. 'What a sad creature.'

Of course, Gojyo and his friends had brought this upon themselves. Only an idiot - or an arrogant human like Sanzo - would ignore the obvious and abandon a sick friend in a crowd of revenge-thirsty demons.

Poor Goku. Or maybe, poor Sanzo. 'I wonder how he feels, knowing that he sentenced the kid to death.'

Dokugakuji watched how Hakkai stood in front of the pile of debris that served as Goku's marker stone.

'Shit. Kou will kill me if I'm not back by dawn.'

x

"How could you leave us like that, Goku?" Hakkai whispered, wondering if the kid would hear him. "Remember your promise? You can't die before Sanzo..."

For hours, Hakkai and Dokugakuji had searched for a trace of Goku in the forest. They had found plenty of evidence that Seiten Goku had fought, and Hakkai could tell that the unleashed demon had not held back. However, most buildings had been scorched to the ground by Kougaiji's fire devil, not leveled by the destructive force of Goku gone insane.

What Hakkai hadn't found was any sign that Goku had survived Kougaiji's attack, or a body that he could bury. Sadly, Hakkai looked at the golden limiter in his hands. Goku's limiter. The sunlight reflected on the surface, brought out the many tiny cracks and chipped edges that marked the device. 'Finding happiness and losing the ones you care about. Different like day and night, yet inevitably bound to follow each other.'

"It's time," Dokugakuji reminded apologetically. "I'm sorry, but we have to leave."

"I understand," Hakkai replied, his heart heavy. Everything that happened around him reminded him about Kanan - too familiar was the scenery and the pain that welled up in him. Hakkai sighed. He had thought he'd be able to deal with what he saw, but truth was that seeing the ruins around him had done nothing but open old wounds that had barely begun to heal.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Dokugakuji said. "We all liked Goku, even if he was our enemy. If there had been any other way..."

Hakkai smiled weakly. "I understand. You had no choice."

For a moment, Dokugakuji just stood and stared at the stone pile. "The dragon needs to be fed. I'll wait for you at the clearing."

Hakkai nodded briefly, glad that the tall demon allowed him to say goodbye to Goku in private. "Thank you. I won't take long."

In a way, Hakkai preferred to have Dokugakuji around. Rather than having to deal with Gojyo or Sanzo's emotions in addition to his own messed up feelings, Hakkai had been able to concentrate on the task at hand. Earlier in the day, Dokugakuji had agreed to help Hakkai pile up stones for a marker. They had found Goku's cape and shoulder harnish with one of the dead demons in the forest. Maybe it had been a trophy, or Seiten Goku had lost it during the fight. It didn't matter. Like a pall, it rested on top of the stone pile, held down by a large tile of sandstone. "I hope that they have good food, wherever you are now."

Gently, Hakkai placed the limiter on top of the pile. "I'm sorry, Goku. I have to go. You know that Gojyo and Sanzo can't be left on their own devices for too long..."

Suddenly, a bloodcurdling scream tore through the forest. Hakkai's head jerked up in surprise when Dokugakuji's life energy was drastically diminished. "What the-?!"

Hakkai spun around. The presence was unmistakable, as strong as he remembered it and homing in at an incredible speed. It was too late to mobilize any kind if defense, not that there was a way to fend off this enemy. The attacker's youthful face was filled with calculation. Combat-trained muscles tensed, ready to kill Hakkai at the slightest movement.

"Please, you don't-" Hakkai began, but before he could finish his sentence, his opponent slammed into him. The sky spun like mad, and no matter how hard Hakkai tried, he couldn't move a limb.

He was dimly aware that cold, golden eyes scrutinized him.

Then, the world ceased to exist.

Back to index

Chapter 12: Permafrost

First of all, Thank you for all the kind reviews.

Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the long wait. Things get a bit rough in real life sometimes. Thank you for your patience!

A special thanks goes to Muki for her kind beta.

Permafrost

Tiny ice shards hailed down on the frozen land like heavenly spears thrown by the god of war. A myriad of snowflakes buried everything in their path under a thick layer of white. Wind piled up the snow, creating a treacherous landscape of wandering hills driven ahead by the magnitude of the gale.

Countless crystals ripped from the seams of this cold ocean like foam tore from storm driven waves.

Out of the boiling sea of white burst a car. It skidded along the rim of the narrow mountain path until it came to a halt in a snow-filled ditch. The car transformed into a white dragon, dumping Genjo Sanzo and Sha Gojyo in the snow before it took a steep dive into Gojyo's arms.

“Shit!” Sanzo gave the impression of a sugar frosted statue as he ducked in the snow and out of the wind. “We've got to find shelter!”

“Smart ass!” Gojyo yelled, but the force of the gale drowned his words. He crouched closer to his travel mate and screamed: “With that storm, we'll never make it to the meeting point in time!”

“Shut up!” Sanzo's face twisted into a mask of anger. “If Hakkai freezes to death because you two fraternized with the enemy, it's not my problem!”

“Fraternize? Not your problem?” Gojyo snarled back. “You are the problem, monk!”

Sanzo exploded. “Me? It wasn't my idea to go after the stupid ape! Only because you two fools-”

“Oh, c'mon... it's not like you objected!” Gojyo interrupted, then spat, “Fraternizing with the enemy... Sure! I sometimes wonder just who the enemy is!”

“Who's the enemy?” Sanzo snapped. “Idiot! I'm surrounded by idiots! They are responsible for the Minus Wave, and you molly cuddle them! How stupid are you? In case you forgot, we're on a mission, useless cockroach!”

For a moment, only the howling of the storm could be heard. Finally, Gojyo hollered, “If Hakkai's not back by tomorrow, you can go and carry out your stinking mission by yourself, arrogant bastard!”

x

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

The regular beat of liquid splattering on hollow metal dragged Hakkai from the comfort of non-awareness.

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

With consciousness came the storm of sensations, loudly demanding Hakkai's attention.

Plonk.

Darkness surrounded Hakkai. For a moment he panicked until he realized that his eyes were still shut tightly. With a soft sigh, he opened them.

Ka-plonk.

Blindness closed its firm grip on Hakkai, and no desperate blinking in the world would wipe it away.

Plonk.

Muscles cramped in limbs that were twisted in awkward angles. The lineaments in his shoulder joints would not work properly for a while, that much was for certain.

Ka-plonk.

Something cold cut into his wrists, a restriction to his movements that answered every tentative move with a soft metal chime.

Plonk.

A low warning growl, close, much too close for his taste, informed him that he wasn't quite alone. Instinctively, Hakkai focussed his mind to pick up the life energy of the creature.

Ka-plonk.

A dark haze, too thick to penetrate by his weakened chi, clouded his frantic mental scans. “Goku?”

Plonk.

“Is that you, Goku?” he tried again, knowing very well the futility of the act. Hakkai recalled the madness shining in the demon's golden eyes, realizing that the Minus Wave must've claimed Goku's defenseless mind.

Ka-plonk. Plonk. Ka-plonk.

x

“Yaone?” Kougaiji hesitated, then knocked once more and entered the apothecary's room. “Yaone, where's Dokugakuji?”

Yaone looked up from the books on her desk in surprise. “Uh... He isn't back yet?”

“No, he isn't.” Kougaiji barely suppressed the urge to yell. “Do you know where he went?”

Yaone had the decency to look guilty. “I'm sorry, Kougaiji-sama... He said he wanted to return Goku's limiter to Sanzo's gang and be back before sunset.”

“Really,” Kougaiji growled. “I told him to remain in the castle, and he has to go and pay a visit to our enemy!”

“Do you think Sanzo's group attacked him?” Yaone wanted to know, her voice filled with concern.

“The monk isn't stupid.” Her obvious worry cooled Kougaiji's anger somewhat. “We'll wait until dawn. If Dokugakuji doesn't return by then...”

x

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

The gentle, moist breath of the potential killer tingled the skin of Hakkai's face, and he tensed. He wanted to run, escape from the lethal thread, but he sharp sting of his shackles that cut into his wrists held him back. Torn to shred, feasted on alive, left to bleed out slowly... what kind of death awaited him?

Plonk.

Warmth ran down Hakkai's cheeks as the creature carved its signature into soft, living tissue. The next moment, pain kicked in and Hakkai screamed.

Ka-plonk. Tshing!

Metal hit metal, then Hakkai heard the unhealthy smack of a body hitting a solid surface. Hakkai strained his hearing. A yelp, labored breathing, then-

Plonk.

A drop burst on metal, and the emptiness around Hakkai filled with the hair raising electricity of unbridled power, a presence so strong that he didn't need chi to feel it.

Ka-plonk.

Hakkai listened into the darkness, his fear for Goku growing stronger than the horror about the threat the teenager represented.

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

“That's quite enough, Son Goku,” ordered a voice, cold and superior in its tone. “You don't want to hurt your friend now, do you?”

Suddenly, Goku's gasps for air, the desperate wheezes of oxygen-starved lungs, stopped.

Plonk.

Silence.

Ka-plonk.

Persistent, overwhelming silence, that sent a clear and deathly message to any listener, drove Hakkai near his limits. He took a shuddering breath, unwilling to let his panic get hold of him. “Goku! What did you do to Goku?”

“What do you think?” Amusement filled the stranger's voice. “He has outlived his usefulness.”

Fear turned to anger, seething along the lines of unabashed hate.Hakkai barely managed to keep his voice calm. “Toying with innocents like this... I won't forgive you!”

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

“My, my... There's no reason to be so upset.” A soft thud and wheezing breaths told Hakkai that his opponent had released Goku. “I would've done you a favor, you know. The kid's a lost case.”

The cruel statement sent a shiver down Hakkai's spine. “Lost case?”

“He had no control to begin with,” the stranger explained, then added thoughtfully, “I should've finished him off that first time we fought. It would've been a mercy kill.”

“Mercy kill! What kind of monster are you?” Hakkai's self control tumbled downhill like a mudslide. With an effort, he forced his rampant emotions back under the rigid reign of discipline. Instead, he focused on the stranger. The man knew them, had faced them in battle and survived to brag about it. That didn't leave too many candidates...

“Monster?” the stranger growled, then declared darkly, “Yes, maybe I'm a monster… but then, aren’t we all?”

Suddenly, the pieces of information snapped into place. Shocked, Hakkai stared into the direction of the speaker. “I remember now… The attack that brought down Goku, and the wolf clan... That was you!”

“Aw, now you've found me out.” Laughter pearled through the room. “How cute.”

Plonk. Ka-plonk.

x

“Shit! I could be with a pretty girl now, in a cozy, warm inn room. But no, I must be stuck with a corrupted monk in an ice-cold cave.” Gojyo wrapped himself tighter into his blanket, shooting a baleful look in the direction of his uncooperative companion.

“Shut up, idiot.” Sanzo lit himself a cigarette and inhaled the smoke. “This is all your fault.”

“Aw, is little San-chan scared?” Gojyo ducked the bullets that whizzed by his head. “Oi! You almost hit me, stinking monk!”

“Ch! Shut up and go to sleep, cockroach,” Sanzo hollered.

Disregarding the priest, Gojyo crouched closer to the camp fire. The biting fumes stung in his eyes, but it was better than suffering from the cold.

“Kyuu!” Jeep had finished its meal and hopped closer to Gojyo, searching for body warmth. It gingerly bumped its head against his hand, until Gojyo opened the blanket enough for the dragon to crawl under it.

“Hakkai sure spoiled you rotten,” Gojyo whispered, then added loud enough for Sanzo to hear, “Oi, Jeep, can't you turn into a foxy lady for me? Blondie over there's to shy to share his holy heat with me.”

The bullet from Sanzo's Smith & Wesson dug itself in the rock right next to Gojyo's scarred cheek. Stone splinters shrapnelled through the air, and the deformed bullet ricocheted off into the darkness.

“You're so dead, pervert,” Sanzo announced in a gruff voice, sounding as tired as Gojyo felt.

“In your dreams, cutie.” Gojyo waited for the inevitable shot, but all that came from Sanzo was a string of obscenities. “What? You're out of ammo?”

The priest fired a withering glance in Gojyo's direction. “Ch. I just don't want to get hit by a ricochet, that's all, dumbass.”

“Anything you say, honey,” Gojyo said with a grin.

“Die.” Sanzo's expression told him that any further insult would be a waste of breath.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, smoking their cigarettes. Jeep shifted restless under the cover, making occasional cries that sounded like he was mourning.

“You're worried about Hakkai, huh?” Gojyo soothingly patted the dragon's head, and received an accusing stare in reply.

“Hey, don't look at me like that! It's thanks to His Grouchiness that we had to split up in the first place.” Gojyo shot a surreptitious glare over to Sanzo. The monk pretended to ignore him, but Gojyo had learned the hard way that Sanzo was an expert when it came to eavesdropping. “If the stubborn fool hadn't left Goku behind...”

Jeep made a whimpering sound, and Gojyo sighed. “I know, I know. But... Goku's probably hurt, and Hakkai can help him.”

“Kyuu,” the white dragon protested and snuggled tighter to Gojyo's chest.

“It's the storm.” Gojyo wasn't quite certain if he tried to reassure Jeep, or himself. “My brother's no idiot, he won't risk flying in that kind of weather. Just wait and see, Hakkai will be back with us tomorrow.”

x

“Ah, now you’ve found me out. How cute!” Osore Taisho laughed despite himself, ignored the hatred that radiated from the prisoner. Monster. The youkai Hakkai, murderer a thousand times over, had the nerve to judge others and call him a monster? Of course, Hakkai was quite correct. Osore was a monster; he had become a merciless killer-puppet and a weapon of total annihilation in the hands of his masters. Osore considered himself a specialist when it came to death. After all, he had ripped the air out of the lungs of people who annoyed the gods, or made the unfortunate mortals drown on their own body fluids in the drought of the desert. Admittedly, an ugly death, but very effective nevertheless.

“Who are you?” Hakkai queried.

“I didn't introduce myself, did I?” Osore smiled benevolently, though the expression was lost in the pitch-dark of the dungeon. “My name is Osore Taisho. But... you can call me Osore.”

“What do you want? Why this torture? Why didn't you just kill us?” Hakkai's voice was strained, almost choked by hatred.

“My orders were to weaken and capture you. Consider yourself lucky. Normally, the gods don't take prisoners.” Chains, so heavy that not even a god could break them, rattled in the darkness. Osore's own cuffs were much lighter, but they still served their purpose as a constant reminder that his choices were limited. “Don't worry. I left your youkai companion behind with an invitation your friends just can't afford to miss.”

“You...” Hakkai growled. There was a brief pause, then he asked calmly, “Would you at least allow me to take care of Goku?”

“Goku?” Osore raised his eyebrows. “The mind-altering wave meddled with his brain. He's beyond help.”

A sharp gasp from Hakkai told Osore that the message had been received and understood. For a moment, eerie silence lingered over the scene, then Hakkai pleaded in a soft voice, “I'd still like to try.”

The persistence struck a cord in Osore. “You care, even though he tried to kill you?”

“Yes,” came the curt reply.

“You really are nuts.” Disbelief swung in Osore's voice. “It's no good to just stop the blood loss... Goku's limiter can only be replaced by a god. Well, that blond buddy of yours can obviously mend it, too.” The fact puzzled Osore. Despite the vast knowledge he had gathered over the years, the answer to why a mere human was able to seal a divine limiter remained a mystery. “Anyway, your pal's not around, and my masters have no interest in restoring Goku to normal.”

Desperate silence delayed Hakkai's reply. “The gods? But you said they wanted us alive?”

“Well, yes, but...”

“Then you have to let me heal Goku.” Newfound confidence reflected in the youkai's words.

Belated, Osore realized that his prisoner had seized a moment of weakness and attempted to capitalize on it. 'Shit. I need to be more careful.'

x

Painkillers, antiseptics, antidotes. Yaone routinely went through her first aid equipment list. Sinew and needles for closing wounds, cotton wool and bandages to stop bleedings. Poison and explosives to free Dokugakuji out of the hands of any enemy who was foolish enough to mess with Kougaiji-sama’s bodyguard. She grabbed the straps of her medical bag and pulled it close.

Yaone could hear the cries of the crows when she climbed up the staircase leading to the stables that housed the flying dragons. The sun had barely crawled over the horizon, but already the crows circled the castle’s tower.

A shiver ran down her spine. She figured it was a subconscious reaction to her revulsion against this particular swarm of crows. Usually, she liked animals, but these birds were different. It was almost as if they radiated a dark and ancient aura that chilled the heart and soul like winter mist that crept across the countryside.

However, she had no time to muse about the local fauna. Three dragons waited in the dragon bay, geared up and ready to start. Yaone searched for the prince, blinded by the light that flooded into the open platform high above the ground.

“Yaone.”

Kougaiji’s voice made her spin around. The bright rays of the morning sun sculpted his body and face, setting a sharp contrast that underlined his elegant, dignified appearance. Reflection and refraction seemed to make his long, red hair burn as he walked over to her. Respectfully, she lowered her head. “Kougaiji-sama.”

“Dokugakuji didn’t return, and neither did his dragon,” the prince explained.

‘He looks tired,’ she thought. ‘I wonder if he has slept at all.’ Though Kougaiji had a reputation to care about his subordinates, Dokugakuji wasn’t just any ordinary servant or soldier. “May I ask if you want to look up Sanzo’s gang first?”

Kougaiji nodded, his brows furrowed in worry. “Dokugakuji was headed their way, and he had Goku’s limiter. It’s as good a starting point as any.”

“Yes, my lord.” Yaone bowed, then followed him over to the flying dragons that already waited at the rim of the platform. They didn’t share a ride this time; since there was no say what would expect them, each of the dragons carried additional equipment.

Huge wings unfolded, stretching into the cold morning air. Powerful muscles moved, and the wings cut the air in a steady rhythm, creating sufficient lift to beat gravity. A few minutes later they were heading straight to the East.

x

'Help me...' Like a long-forgotten memory, the call chimed through Sanzo's mind. 'Anyone... help me!'

Empty golden eyes stared at him accusingly.

'Useless'.

It was his own voice that echoed the verdict from the bloody haze around him.

'Useless.'

“I didn't know,” he whimpered, frantically trying to escape from the scene of yet another death he had caused. “He should've been safe.”

'Useless!' the invisible chorus mocked. 'It was your choice to let him go!'

Blood. There was blood everywhere. Blood dripped from pale skin, pulsed from torn limbs and gathered in puddles on the floor. Images from the past mixed with illusions of the present, as blood matted brown hair stuck to cooling skin.

“No,” Sanzo moaned. Tears streamed down his face as he stared wide eyed at the scene, unable to break free from the nightmare that held him firmly in its grip.

'You couldn't protect him,' the shadows chided. Crimson tendrils crouched from the mist across the blood stained floor, crawled over decaying corpses and soon were reaching out for Sanzo.

'Useless. Weak. Unworthy.'

“No!” Sanzo scuttled back, frantically trying to fend off the phantom hands of fog that coiled around his neck. A wail that couldn't be heard by ears resonated through his heart, and guilt mixed with hopelessness. “Leave me alone!”

“-zo! Damn it, wake up!” Gojyo's voice cut through the pea soup in Sanzo's brain. 'Stupid cockroach, pervert kappa, lecherous bastard, skirt chaser and walking jinx Gojyo,' Sanzo's subconsciousness supplied, before his mind sailed back into reality.

“Sanzo? Oi, this ain't funny!”

Someone squeezed Sanzo's shoulder and he instinctively bashed the offender away.

“Crap!” Gojyo snarled. “Damn you, monk!”

“Shut that useless mouth of yours, or I'll kill you.” Sanzo opened his eyes slowly and glared at the half youkai. The nightmare had shaken Sanzo, left him panting and drenched in sweat. Cold bit through the wet fabric of his shirt, and the blankets he had carefully wrapped around himself a couple of hours ago lay carelessly tossed over the ground.

That Gojyo had to wake him from a mere dream was embarrassing. At the same time, it left Sanzo with the aching suspicion that their resident fool would not let him off the hook for going after Goku and Hakkai. Sanzo gathered his blankets from the ground and forced out, “Has it stopped snowing?”

“Seems like it. The snow level's up two meters at least,” Gojyo announced gravely. “The sun's up, too.”

“Ch,” Sanzo fished his lighter and a cigarette from the crumpled pack in his robe sleeve. He lit it, and greedily sucked in the smoke. “Make yourself useful. Brew some coffee and pack up the car, idiot.”

Gojyo gave him one of those 'you can't insult me' looks, then just shook his head. “Can't. Jeep's gone,” he sighed.

Sanzo almost dropped his cigarette. “Gone?”

Gojyo nodded. “When I woke up, he wasn't around. I searched outside, but... nothing.”

“Shit,” Sanzo muttered. He knew perfectly well that without their fast means of transport, the mission was in danger. That, and Hakkai would be royally miffed that they had managed to lose his pet. “Maybe it's already at the meeting point looking for its master?”

“That's possible, but I do have a bad feeling...” Gojyo's voice trailed off.

Sanzo didn't need much fantasy to complete the sentence. Hakkai was in danger, and both, kappa and dragon, knew it. 'More problems. Shit. What now?' Annoyance boiled in Sanzo. 'Why do I have to clean up the mess every damned time?' He was sick and tired of being the punching bag of fate and everyone else in the universe. Most of all, he was sick and tired of seeing Gojyo's dumb mug. “This is your fault, cockroach,” Sanzo taunted, fixing his seething glare at the red-head. “The critter dumped you.”

“Me?” Gojyo's eyes widened, then he roared, “What about you? You'll summon a cloud and fly away, or what?”

Back to index

Chapter 13: Precipitation

Precipitation

Wind whipped long strands of Kougaiji's hair behind him like red banners. Yaone's eyes were fixed on her employer, who was flying just a few meters ahead of her.

The sun stood high in the sky, marking the hours that had passed since they left Houtou Castle. They had almost made it to the last known location of Sanzo and his gang. Snow covered mountain peaks aimed for the sky, reflecting the light in all colors of the rainbow. Glaciers and barriers of sharp rocks seamed the valleys; natural stop signals that warned travelers of the dangers that lurked in their icy heights. From the safety of a dragon's back, however, the landscape sparkled in all its glorious beauty, overwhelming and demanding respect at the same time.

Suddenly, a shrill beep snapped her out of her musings. It took Yaone a moment to identify the source of the noise that emitted from her first aid bag. Only belated, she remembered that she had stored the locator for the flying dragons in it.

She fished the device from the bag and studied it. The signal was faint, located at the outermost edge of the parameter in the East.

“Kougaiji-sama!” she yelled, and he shot her a surprised look.

“What is it!”

“The tracker receives a signal from Dokugakuji's dragon!” Holding up the small piece of electronic for her employer to see, Yaone steered the dragon closer to the prince's. “It seems, he landed somewhere near the monastery!”

“The monastery! What would he do there unless...!” Kougaiji's voice trailed off; he was clearly not happy about the implications of his sword master's detour. “Damn it. That fool!”

Then he ducked lower on his dragon to allow it a faster pace. Yaone forced herself to smile. “Yes, Kougaiji-sama.”

x

His arms had stopped hurting, but that wasn't necessarily a good sign. Hakkai carefully tried to move himself into a more comfortable position, encouraging blood circulation in his shackled limbs.

He still could see nothing but darkness, and he wondered if he had gone blind. Maybe the damage from the fight with Goku was more extensive than he had initially thought. Of course, there was always the option that Osore kept them, literally, in the dark on purpose. Frustrated, he tugged at the chains that forced him into a sitting position. Maybe it was about time to unleash the beast and force some answers out their host.

A few meters away, he could hear Goku moan. Hakkai stretched his chi to reach for his young friend, establish some kind of contact, but it was no good. Trying to asses Goku's condition in this room, that dampened vision and chi alike, was about as useless as trying to make out shapes in the pitching black he was captured in.

Hakkai still had no idea why he and Goku were prisoners. Osore's claim that the gods were the driving force behind their abduction was inconclusive. After all, Sanzo was sent by the Goddess of Mercy to stop Gyuumao's resurrection, and Homura was dead. It was rather unlikely that any members of the war god's faction had survived. Besides, Osore didn't seem to hold the slightest interest in the scrolls.

With a sigh, Hakkai focussed his life energy to heal his own wounds. At the moment, this was all he could do, even had the duty to do. Injured, he could not help Goku; and if bad came to worse, Hakkai would need all of his life force to mend his young companion.

x

Corpses in various states of decay littered the clearing, reminder of the massacre that had taken place a few days ago. Even the birds had fled. The unnerving silence blended with the stink of rotting flesh into a revolting mixture of death. Kougaiji gagged involuntarily, but he suppressed the reaction before Yaone noticed.

“Dokugakuji's dragon has to be nearby,” he said, tightening the reigns of his flying dragon to a tree trunk. The animal was nervous, and Kougaiji could see that his apothecary had trouble to keep her own dragon from taking off again. He didn't blame the beasts; they just followed their instinct. “Let's try the monastery ruins first.”

“Yes, Kougaiji-sama.” Yaone indicated a bow and followed him quietly, her medical bag pressed firmly against her chest.

x

He had a name, but that was long ago, and long forgotten. Now, he was left in dark and bound. The constant pain in his limbs, cold and cutting whenever he tried to move was uncomfortable.

'Bound. Pain. Can't leave.'

The image scared him, but he had no idea why. Some part of him recalled the sun, bright, golden sunlight reflecting in golden hair, violet eyes that demanded obedience, violet eyes and... blood. He smelled blood, nearby. Blood, fresh and warm with life. Blood, and an unimaginable power that was even more tempting than the crimson liquid. The darkness lost its binding spell when hunger won over a weakened body that stood no chance against the instinct of a wild animal.

x

Snow. Snow everywhere. Snow reflecting the sunlight so brightly that you had to fear blindness, hip-deep snow that slowed Sanzo's steps to a painful crawl. The cold bit through his damp jeans, snow crystals had found their way down to his feet, soaking his socks and shoes.

Sanzo had lost track how long he and Gojyo had climbed uphill, over snow fields and treacherous glacier ice. He had no idea how far they were away from the road; last night's blizzard had turned the world into an endless, white wasteland. For Sanzo, it was only fair that the useless bastard lead the way and plow a path through the snow.

They had waited for Jeep to return, but the dragon had chosen to remain absent. Sanzo blamed the loss of their transport on Gojyo; after all, Hakkai had entrusted Jeep into the idiot kappa's hands. After a hefty fallout and some major persuasion courtesy of Sanzo's banishing gun, Gojyo had agreed to carry their remaining baggage and supplies.

“Damn it, we need our snow shoes.” Gojyo leaned against the trunk of a tree. Sweat covered his flushed face, and steam rose from under the thick layer of blankets he had huddled himself into.

Of course, the idiot was right — the snow shoes they had bought on Hakkai's insistence would come in handy. The snow gear hadn't been the only purchase that day; Hakkai had also suggested that Sanzo exchanged his wooden sandals for regular boots. Several days of complaint and a sprained ankle later, Sanzo had caved in and they had acquired the leather footwear. After all, they still had to cross the 'Roof of the World', as the mountain region was called that separated Tougenkyo from their destination. However, now wasn't the time to dwell on impossible things. Hakkai and the dragon were out there, and he would kill them for slowing him down his mission. Sanzo angrily tossed away his cigarette. “Move your lazy ass, bastard.”

x

Pain.Sharp-edged like a razor, it pulsed up through his legs to the abdomen, echoed in the cuts and bruises on his back. Only the gods knew why he had survived as long as he did after Goku's attack. Where Yaone had sat the bones in his arm, the razor had lost its bite, leaving nothing more than a dull, throbbing ache. Dokugakuji's throat was dry, his lips were parched and the thirst had become intolerable. The only thing worse than the pain was the cold. It was freezing cold, as if he was caught in the middle of a blizzard. He winced, shivering, almost wishing for the darkness to engulf him once more, but no such luck.

Through the haze, he thought he heard voices. Was he hallucinating? It wouldn't surprise him. He strained his hearing, praying that he hadn't just imagined things. Crows screamed, and Dokugakuji could hear their wings flapping in the air as they soared into the sky. Something had disturbed the scavengers. Instinctively, Dokugakuji held his breath, stretching his senses to the outermost limit to pick up something, anything. In the distance, thin, dry twigs twisted under the weight of... was that a foot, or a hoof?

He wasn't certain, only that it came closer. Friend or foe? Dokugakuji tensed. The chances of this being a friend were small to non existent. This was human territory, and the wolf youkai clan had just slaughtered countless of their priests — they would definitely consider him an enemy and kill him. Under normal circumstances, even several human attacker would pose no problem at all. Unfortunately, in his current state, Dokugakuji could not even defend himself against a human child. All he could do was play dead and pray that the stranger would not hear the loud thumping of a failing youkai heart

x

There was a blood-curling scream, then silence that lasted just long enough to make Osore worry. Then, a howl followed, as if a raving mad chimpanzee had found a hidden stash of goodies and couldn't get to it. Osore leaned against the wall that separated his quarters from the dungeon, wondering if he should interfere before Goku found his true strength and broke his chains. Osore had to admit that Goku surprised him; instead of getting weaker and die already, his elemental side had gained momentum, and it was only a matter of hours until the earth spirit in Goku had strengthened enough to pose a real threat.

“What's making this infernal noise?”

“My Lord!” Osore kneeled — a gesture that was born out of training rather than respect. The god had appeared out of nowhere. No knocking on the door or ringing the bell, just a soft poof! - and so much for Osore's personal space. More than anything, to him it was a sign of how his masters thought about him. He wouldn't be surprised to find them peeping-

“Answer me!” the god's voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Goku-” Osore began, but was cut off before he could finish his sentence.

“Goku? I told you to kill the heretic!” his master snapped.

Osore didn't dare to move, cowering from the all-consuming power the god radiated like a rabbit surprised by the hunter. “I thought...”

“You thought!”

The blinding white that was the god exploded like a supernova; the burst of energy swishing Osore off balance and he landed roughly on his side. “My Lord...!”

“Shut up!” the god snarled, and the angry pulsing of his chi field heralded no good. “Who do you think you are, animal? Thinking on your own?” There was a disgusted snort, then Osore felt himself lifted into the air by a tendril of lethal power. “Follow your orders, filth.” The warning in the superior being's voice was impossible to ignore. The next moment, Osore crashed hard to the ground; the god had tossed him away like a useless tool that could be replaced at any time. “Kill that disgusting heretic and the redhead, and you might be allowed to live another day.”

The god didn't bother to wait for an answer; as suddenly as he had appeared, he vanished again, leaving Osore on the floor in a hapless heap.

'Kill that disgusting heretic.'

Death would come as a mercy to Goku. It would mean the end of the insanity, the insatiable blood lust... Rid the world of just another creature that insulted the gods by its simple existence. With an effort, Osore got back to his knees.

'Follow your orders.' He could just lean back, washing the guilt off his hands. ‘The weapon isn’t responsible; it’s the one who pulls the trigger.’

Only, it wasn’t that simple, never had been simple. For one, he wasn’t just a weapon, he was a sentient being, with feelings, hopes and ethical values. Did it really matter that his feelings were manipulated, his hopes had long since died, and ethical values had been indoctrinated by his masters?

Orders. Osore had hidden behind the word as long as he could remember. He had killed, tortured and harassed, because he was told to do so. Sometimes, he hadn't even needed an order to abuse a prisoner. He had power, all right; at least enough to make the mortals fear him. Still, power alone wasn't enough. There was something stronger than that, something that made people like Hakkai live instead of only surviving the next day. Even a disgusting, despicably weak heretic like Goku wasn't treated like a tool... because of that something that Osore couldn't grasp.

In the dungeon, Goku continued to test his metal ties, wailing like the wounded animal he was. 'Kill him.' Osore sighed. 'It’s not like I have a choice.’

x

The stink of death hung over the abandoned battlefield with the persistence of a dung fly. Yaone suppressed the urge to scream out her frustration. She had no idea how long they had searched for Dokugakuji in the mess of decaying bodies that littered the clearing. When they finally found the spot where the sword master lay curled up in a puddle of crimson, it was late afternoon.

Dokugakuji's sword was rammed into the ground, near his head, towering over the fallen warrior like a marker stone. Slips of symbol-covered paper fluttered in the soft breeze, dangling from the hilt on short strands. Something that looked like an old, broken pocket watch also hung down from the weapon. All the details only touched her perception, but she knew that the scene was burned into her memory for the rest of her lifetime.

Yaone knelt down next to Dokugakuji. His pale, mangled face was cold to the touch. Yaone shivered. Her worst case scenario had turned into reality right before her eyes. Dokugakuji was dead, had to be dead; too severe were the visible injuries to let him survive for such a long time without medical help. Still, she checked for a pulse, ignored the gruesome claw wounds he has sustained and placed her hands to his stomach right under the rib cage to pick up any breathing too subtle to detect otherwise. But no matter how desperately she wished for a life sign, something, no matter how small, that she could work with, she found nothing.

“Is he...?” Kougaiji's voice was dark and rough with emotions.

Yaone nodded. She did not have the strength to answer. Her vision blurred. This could not be true. She didn't want it to be true. If only...

“Someone's going to pay for this,” Kougaiji growled.

Yaone knew he was livid. Not that she blamed him — Dokugakuji was a friend and confident for the prince, and for herself as well. To see their friend lying here in the dirt like garbage in the streets was almost too much to take.

Numb with grief, Yaone wiped away her tears and took a shivering breath. She took a cloth from her medical bag and poured some water on it. Gently, she wiped the blood from Dokugakuji's cheeks and forehead, then straightened his limbs carefully so that he didn't look like a broken doll any longer.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered, shivering from the cold that radiated from her dead companion. “I wish I could do more, but...”

Out of habit, Yaone took inventory of Dokugakuji's injuries. Bruises and gashes covered his badly swollen, blood caked face, his shirt and pants were in shreds and so dark stained it was impossible to tell their original color. Most of the blood was dried, but in some places, it looked fresh. Some bones were broken. '...and no rigor mortis.' She checked him again for life signs, anything she might have overlooked, some magic imprint on his body that would keep him alive. But she found nothing, and she had no magic skills to detect hidden spells; that was Kougaiji's forte.

“He must've died shortly before we found him,” Yaone mused, earning herself a guilt-ridden look from Kougaiji. “It's my fault, Kougaiji-sama. If only I had informed you earlier, maybe we would've still been in time to...” She closed her eyes.

“Nonsense.” Kougaiji's hoarse voice sent a chill down Yaone's spine. He effortlessly pulled Dokugakuji's sword out of the ground. The paper slips attached to the hilt rustled, but then a sudden gush of wind made them dance and twirl like mad. “Don't even think-”

“Oww...” Dokugakuji's corpse groaned.

“D-Did you-” Both prince and apothecary stared, first at the body, then at each other, in utter shock. “D-Dokugaku?”

x

Like a giant, burning drop of blood, the sun sank into a raging ocean of fire; a spectacular inferno of sunlight, clouds and mountain peaks. How the mighty fall - the merciless ruler of the day went to hell in a hand basket. Now, hell was a place Gojyo was intimately familiar with. Usually, hell lurked in the back of his mind, manifested in memories of the past, replayed in an infinite loop that could only be droned out by focusing on the present.

The blazing sunset, however, not only heralded an upcoming storm, but also churned Gojyo's worries about his missing team mates tenfold. He and Sanzo had arrived at an abandoned hut after they had crossed the mountain pass just a few minutes ago, but the place was ice-cold and deserted, with no sign of Hakkai or Jeep. Matter of fact, the place looked like it had been deserted for weeks.

“Sanzo,” Gojyo put down the backpack with a sigh. “Oi, Sanzo...!”

As expected, the monk ignored him and instead stared down the steep slope that lead to their goal, the valley on the west side of the mountain. Even from up here, Gojyo could make out a river. It wound through the white landscape like a snake, perpetual motion that the biting cold hadn't stopped yet.

“I don't know about you, but I'm gonna crash here for the night.” Gojyo reached under the blankets that had kept him warm, and fished out his pack of cigarettes. 'Only four left. Great.'

But cigarettes weren't his only concern. They were out of food. Even the instant Ramen were gone, and what chocolate bars had been in the backpack, they had needed to make it up here. It was frustrating, and while His Unholiness might not care for edible stuff, Gojyo liked his belly filled, thank you very much. However, there still was the hut, and maybe one of the former occupants had left some rice or a canned meal in the stock.

x

Clanck. Clanck. Clanck.

Hakkai's head buzzed, and he fought the constantly growing dizziness that rampaged through his brain ever since he had woken up what seemed like days ago. He figured that the concussion he had suffered in the fight with Goku had not taken well to the self-healing — a very unfortunate development, indeed.

Clanck. Clanck. Clanck.

Nearby, Goku still fought against his shackles. The constant clacking noise the metal links made whenever Goku put his weight and power into the chains added to Hakkai's discomfort. Like an electric pulse, the noise zapped through Hakkai's brain. He tried to ignore the sound and return to a meditational healing trance again.

Clanck. Clanck. Clanck.

It was only a matter of time until either Goku or the chain tired out; right now, Hakkai wasn't sure which of the two options he preferred. The scent of fresh blood that filled the room did nothing to brighten his mood, either.

Clanck.

Suddenly, Goku ceased his tugging and let out a low growl.

“Now, there, is that the way to greet your host?” Osore's voice scolded, and Hakkai could make out the shuffling noise of a person coming closer. “Of course, it's not like you have any particular reason to like me, huh?”

Hakkai had no idea what their enemy was up to now, but his instincts told him that it meant no good for the young youkai. “Leave Goku alone, please.”

“And if I don't, you'll bite my head off?” The man practically oozed amusement.

“Bastard.” The anger that lurked under Hakkai's restrained surface bubbled, eating away his self control rapidly with every second Osore was around. “You're enjoying this, aren't you?”

There was a brief moment of silence, then Osore quietly said, “Perhaps.”

Hakkai felt the hair on the back of his neck rising. “You...”

“Unfortunately, playtime is over... for Goku, that is.” Something, perhaps disappointment, colored Osore's voice. “You hear that, Goku? I'm here to kill you.”

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