Fic of d00b by Elvaron

Index

Chapter 1: I
Chapter 2: II
Chapter 3: III
Chapter 4: IV
Chapter 5: V
Chapter 6: VI
Chapter 7: VII

Chapter 1: I

The Fic of d00b

Or: Not So Happily Ever After

The doorbell rang.

Hazel was momentarily tempted to slouch further into his chair and direct a glare at the occupant of the other chair... but it wasn't something that he did (oh no, too undignified for him). Besides, Sanzo wasn't even looking in his direction.

Said Sanzo took another long drag on his cigarette, flipped the page of his newspaper, and patently ignored the door bell.

Hazel sighed. Gato was out killing spotty deer things[1] ("For old times' sake", the man/shikigami/half-man-half-shikigami had said), and Sanzo never answered the door, not even when he was the only one at home and Hazel had forgotten his keys...

...Gato was getting tired of breaking down the door as well.

The bell rang again. Alright, so it probably wasn't someone who'd go away on their own... Hazel wondered whom it could possibly be. Gojyo and Hakkai couldn't have gotten back from their honeymoon this quickly, and Gato wouldn't return until evening...

Reluctantly accepting the inevitable, Hazel pushed himself to his feet. He reached the door before the bell could chime a third time (something that invariably sent Sanzo into a snarling 'Urusee' fit).

"Hello--" Hazel paused. And squinted. "You would be...?"

A tall form draped itself on the doorframe and leaned threateningly close to -- no, over -- him. Hazel narrowed his eyes and resisted the urge to take a step back. People didn't always have to emphasize the fact that they were taller than him, and where was Gato when he needed him...

"I'm looking for Konzen Douji," the figure breathed. Hazel's eyes swivelled of their own accord to regard the movement of black spandex over pectoral muscl--

--"What the fuck are you doing here?!" Sanzo's irate voice exploded in his ear. Hazel jumped and skittered two steps back, a retort rising to his lips.

But Sanzo wasn't looking at him. Sanzo was glaring at their unknown visitor, who seemed to have backed up a couple of steps as well. Now that Hazel actually had a good look of the non-spandex bits, he noticed the mismatched eyes, the utterly tacky purple cloak, and... wait, were those... was this man an S&M fan?

"Konzen," the visitor smirked.

"For the last fucking time, my name is NOT KONZEN!" Sanzo yelled.

"Who is he?" Hazel asked.

"He calls himself Homura," Sanzo scowled, and stormed away from the door.

"Konzen's... I mean, Sanzo's ex." Homura winked at Hazel and stepped into the house.

Sanzo watched out of the corner of his eye as Hazel went absolutely rigid. It was amusing. He hadn't seen his wife-- husband-- adopt that particular expression since... since he'd stopped his youkai-exterminating crusade, actually.

"Homura Toushin Taishi. Presently retired, though," Homura said cheerfully. "And you would be Sanzo's new fling? He didn't tell me your name."

"Hazel," Hazel said, his voice silken smooth and dripping with venom. "I didn't see you at the wedding."

"What wedding?" Homura looked nonplussed. He glanced at Sanzo, glanced at Hazel, and glanced back at Sanzo. Then shock washed over his face like dawn across the sky in Saiyuki: Requiem. "You... you two... you..."

Hazel smiled. "Pleased to meet you, Homura Taishi."

"You didn't!" Homura's voice rose several notches. "Sanzo...?!?!"

"You were too busy running for Jade Emperor," Sanzo said nonchalantly. "Figured you didn't have time to drop by for some miserable little ceremony."

"But... he's a puny little mortal!"

Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "He doesn't maintain delusions about being seme."

Homura rounded on Hazel, who had turned an interesting shade of pink. "And just how did you manage to persuade Sanzo...?"

It was Sanzo who answered, amusement dancing in his eyes: "It's the sparkles." Right on cue, Hazel's shade of pink deepened, and he began sparkling faintly.

"Gah!" Homura snorted, flinging his hands into the air. His shackles conveniently whacked Hazel on the chin. "Months and months of work and he runs off with some pint-sized, snivelling--" he eyed Hazel's outfit "--bishop."

"Excuse me," Hazel growled.

"You are not excused," Homura scowled at him.

"Oh please," Sanzo said, rolling his eyeballs. "You were the one who decided that your political aspirations in Heaven were more important than some trivial relationship, anyway. And you still haven't told me what the fuck you're here for."

"Oh." Homura pulled himself up, and a smirk spread over his features. "I'm looking for Son Goku."

"Goku?" Hazel asked, at the same time Sanzo groaned: "Not again."

"Well, since you decided that even the War God wasn't good enough for you..." Homura sniffed disdainfully.

"War God?" Hazel said suspiciously.

"Have a problem with it, priestlet?"

Hazel's hand twitched in the direction of a hat brim that wasn't there. After running into Kanzeon at the wedding (the memory of that meeting still gave him nightmares), he'd given up protesting the fact. This continent -- accursed continent, his mind helpfully supplied -- was evidently infested with demi-godlings of every size, shape... and gender, he thought, recalling Kanzeon.

"Anyway," Homura continued, caught up in the tale -- Like a bullfrog gets enamoured of its voice, Hazel thought sourly -- "I decided that it is time to put the past behind us. I have decided to put aside my political goals for the moment--"

"--you mean you didn't get elected," Sanzo snorted.

"--and return to make amends to my one true love: Son Goku."

There was a pause.

"One true...?" Hazel said.

"You asshole," Sanzo snarled. "You were spewing the same 'one true love' bullshit at me--" his revolver was in his hand at the speed of very angry thought, aiming straight at the red dot in the middle of Homura's forehead.

Homura rolled his eyes. "You know that thing doesn't work on me."

"Oh yeah?" Sanzo paused and looked quizzically at the gun... then his right foot moved in a blur of motion, and Homura was staggering backwards, his face in a rictus of pain, his hands clasped over--

--Hazel smirked in spite of himself.

"Anyway, Goku's on holiday," Sanzo said, much more calmly. "So clear out, before I clear you out."

"And just how do you intend to do that?" Homura said.

Sanzo glanced up as the light from the doorway was suddenly blocked out. "I don't intend to do anything. I'll just leave it to Gato."

--x--

[1] Kudos to Kagenami for the phrase 'spotty deer things' XD

--

Back to index

Chapter 2: II

"You wear that hat just so that you can hide behind it."

"What?" Hazel cast an incredulous look at Homura, who was currently sprawled on the couch.

"Admit it, bishopling. Every time you look at Sanzo you have to pull that... thing down over your face so that no one notices you're blushing," Homura traced circles in the air with one finger.

Hazel launched a glare in Homura's direction. He had absolutely no idea how the dolt had ended up as their house guest. Gato was supposed to have thrown him out on his posterior but...

And suddenly, there were sparkles.

"And Gato, Gato has the most gorgeous golden eyes," Homura was saying. "Have I told you about his eyes?"

"Yes," Hazel ground out. "Fifteen times today."

"It was the eyes," Homura continued, caught up in his own little bubble of bliss. "I looked into his eyes and I knew: This is it! He is the One! Who needs Son Goku?" He plucked a rose out of thin air and inhaled deeply. "Ah, the smell of spring, which tells us that love is in the air..."

Unable to bear the besotted babble any longer, Hazel fled into the kitchen.

The kitchen smelt of coffee. This wasn't surprising, considering that Gato had brewed a pot and Sanzo was currently draining it. When Sanzo glanced up momentarily and their eyes met, Hazel's sparkle generator promptly went 'ping!' and activated.

"Gato, I don't see what you see in him," Hazel said, dropping into one of the chairs around the kitchen table.

"Who?" Gato asked.

"Homura."

"Oh. Him."

There was a pause in the conversation as Sanzo snorted coffee up his nose and Hazel leapt across the table with concern written all over his features. Sanzo waved him away, and the sparkles faltered momentarily.

"You worry too much," Sanzo sneezed, spraying coffee all over the newspaper.

"Well, but. I--"

Sanzo reached blindly for his cup, missed, and knocked it over.

Hazel nearly shrieked as coffee showered over the hem of his robes and his cape. "Sanzo! You... you..."

"Hm." Sanzo stood, fastidiously avoiding the large puddle of coffee on the floor. "It looks like you'll need a change of clothes."

They adjourned to the bedroom, while Gato shook his head and muttered about 'Newly-weds' under his breath. He did not fail to notice that neither of them emerged from the bedroom for a quite a while thereafter.

--x--

The subject arose again in the afternoon. Homura was out, for whatever reason, promising to be back later that afternoon.

Hazel rounded on Sanzo. "I thought you wanted him to leave! Why are you letting him stay?"

Sanzo shook another cigarette out of the pack while Hazel frowned in disapproval. "And you smoke too much."

"Even if I stop now, the damage is already done," Sanzo pointed out. "Anyway. You've been neglecting Gato, so Homura's probably good for him."

Hazel spluttered. "I have not been 'neglecting' Gato as you put it--"

"Oh really?" Sanzo raised a sardonic eyebrow, and was treated to the sight of Hazel stomping-- flouncing off to collapse onto the sofa. "Your hat is in the bedroom, if you need to hide behind it."

"You... You..." unable to find a suitably scathing reply, Hazel turned to Gato instead. "So what is it you see in Homura? You never answered my question."

Gato shrugged. "Nothing."

Hazel glanced at Gato, who was standing by the window, watching the road. "And you still put up with his babbling nonsense?"

"He doesn't bother me," Gato said. He paused. "They're back."

"They?"

The doorbell rang.

"We're back!" Homura announced loudly, sweeping into the house. He winked at Gato. "Hello gorgeous!"

"Who are these people?" Gato asked, eyeing the two figures that had appeared behind, carrying large suitcases.

"A War God--" Homura smirked as Hazel twitched involuntarily "--needs his retainers." He gestured. "Gato, meet Shien and Zenon. Shien, Zenon... this gorgeous fellow is Gato, you know Sanzo, and the prissy little runt is Hazel." He paused as Gato did the Looming Thing.

"Fine," Homura huffed. "The effeminate shortie in blue and white." Gato relaxed, and there were brief words of greeting all round. Hazel noticeably ignored Homura. Sanzo ignored everyone.

"I will be buying dinner," Homura announced loudly. "And even the bishopling is invited." There was a scuffle as he was forced to take two steps back. Hazel had leapt in front of him, and in response, Zenon had leapt between them, then Gato had appeared over Hazel's shoulder, and suddenly the foyer was very crowded indeed.

"Don't bother," Zenon grinned at Hazel. "You can't kill him, anyway."

"Are you a youkai?" Hazel said suspiciously.

"Hey!" Zenon said. "I resent that!"

Hazel was bristling. "You reek of youryoku."

"Hazel," Gato said in warning.

"And what if he is?" Homura smirked, before Zenon could reply. "You're going to try and kill him?"

Hazel grabbed his pendant.

"You promised that you would stop that shit after the marriage," Sanzo's very annoyed voice drifted over to him from the living room.

Guiltily, Hazel promptly dropped his the pendant and made an aborted hand movement towards the-hat-that-was-not-there. "Ah. I'm sorry, Sanzo."

"Jeez," Sanzo muttered.

"Anyway, I'm not a youkai. I'm a God. Or half of one, at least. Even if they did kick me out of Heaven," Zenon scowled.

Shien peered at Hazel. "Do you have a nervous disorder, Hazel-san? I can recommend something for the spasms."

"I do not--"

"Aww, don't keep us waiting in the hall, bishoplet. Move your skinny ass, will you?" Homura said good-naturedly. "After all, it's almost dinnertime and I made a reservation." He slammed the door shut behind him, and swept past Hazel. Shien and Zenon picked up the bags and followed.

"By the way, Sanzo-san," Shien called out. "Did you receive our package?"

"Yeah," Zenon leered. "Was it any good?"

"The fertility idol?" Sanzo asked. He gestured towards Hazel. "Whaddya think? Does he look pregnant to you?"

--x--

Credits:

The Homura / Gato sparkles are all Solaas' fault.

The fertility idol is all Rheow's fault.

Back to index

Chapter 3: III

"What... do you mean... he doesn't eat?" Homura glanced from Hazel to Gato, and back to Hazel.

The bishop smirked. "He's a shikigami. They don't eat. Or didn't you know that, War God?"

Homura stared at the table in abject horror. All his carefully laid plans... gone! Wasted! All because he'd neglected to notice -- no, all because that bishop had neglected to tell him...

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"You didn't ask."

"But you knew that I had an interest! You-- ow what was that for?" Homura spun, glaring at Sanzo, who was seated next to him. The latter snorted and pocketed his fan.

"You're as bad as the monkey," Sanzo said. "Behave. We're in public."

"You're one to speak, o I-regularly-put-bullet-holes-through-restaurant-walls-Mr-Pissy-Monk!"

Sanzo proved him right by whipping out the revolver. Hazel reached over and grabbed his wrist.

"You--" Sanzo growled.

"Sanzo-han."

"Shit." Sanzo slammed the revolver onto the table, making wine glasses jump. "You and your damn 'Sanzo-han' will be the death of me one day."

Hazel sparkled at him. "Admit it. It's what attracted you in the first place." They stared at each other, and for a little while, there was no one else in the world.

"Oh yesyes, so Sanzo gets sexually frustrated every time you say 'Sanzo-han', which is why he goes 'Chi' and stubs out his cigarette but answers your pesky annoying questions anyway," Homura cut in, chains clanking as he waved his hands in frustration. "But doesn't Gato at least drink? Wine?" He glanced up at the figure towering behind Hazel's chair. "Won't you even sit down, Gato?"

"I'm not tired," Gato deadpanned.

"But that's not the point! You shouldn't have to play the bodyguard to Mr Prissy Wimp over there--"

Gato coughed discretely. Homura backpedaled furiously. "--to Hazel. After all, he has Sanzo to look after him now, right? The husband's supposed to cherish and protect the wife and all that--"

"--excuse me," Hazel snarled.

"You're excused, Mrs Sanzo."

In the ensuing silence, you could have heard a falling pin splitting the air.

"Well," Zenon said cheerfully. "More food for us, then."

"The bitch of it all is overwhelming," Shien murmured quietly into his ear.

"Were we anything like that?" Zenon asked.

"Neither of us had jealous ex-s."

"What about your brief fling with Tenpou Gensui?"

Shien went very still. "It was nothing."

"Oh really it was nothing," Zenon laughed, oblivious to the glare that Homura was bestowing upon him.

"Anyway, he was dead long before we got together," Shien's voice dropped even lower. "Like your Mary Sue."

"She was not a Mary Sue."

"That's what they always say."

"Gato..." Homura's voice cut through the conversation, taking on the distinct characteristic of a whine. "There's a seat right here for you." He gestured to the empty seat beside him.

"I prefer to stand, thank you," Gato replied.

"You could stand here," Homura said cheerfully. "Then you can watch Hazel's back for him." He paused. "Please?" Another pause. "Have I told you how beautiful your name is? Ga-to. Two syllables, 4 letters. It starts with G and ends with O. Just like Go-ku--"

Hazel snickered as Homura blanched at the slip. Gato stared on, impassive.

"Homura, give up on this romantic shit. You were never very good at it."

"I did a perfectly good job with you and Goku!"

Sanzo scowled. "If you think that cutting me in half was romantic--"

"Wasn't it?" Homura's eyes went dreamy. "And that time when I met Goku by the lake, Ah! The rain was misting over the surface of the water..."

"...then you dislocated his shoulder," Sanzo pointed out.

"And he was so touched that he swooned in my arms!" Homura said, his face lighting up.

"Sanzo, I think we should leave," Hazel said, pointedly pushing his chair back.

"There's free food," Sanzo shrugged, and picked up his chopsticks. He smirked in amusement as Hazel stared at his own chopsticks with barely concealed loathing.

"Not to worry, Hazel-san," Shien chirped. "We have something that may help."

Zenon whipped out a set of child-sized, pink, plastic cutlery. "We thought you might have problems. Here ya go." He deposited the pile on Hazel's lap. "Fork and knife, just like you're used to. You can even keep them, just in case you run out." When Hazel continued to stare rigidly at utensils (with their little angel motifs on the handles), Zenon reached over and nudged him. "Not need to be shy. We all have our shortcomings."

"I'm... not hungry, thank you," Hazel managed, trying to pass the pile back to Zenon.

"They're for you. We got them specially delivered."

Accursed continent--! Hazel's subconscious wailed. "They're a bit small," he said faintly.

"Oh, whoops. When someone told us that Sanzo was marrying a pint-sized runt, we kinda didn't know they were being sarcastic," Zenon said cheerfully. "You are pretty short, anyway."

"Are you ok?" Shien asked. "You look rather pale."

"It's because he doesn't eat enough," Sanzo supplied. "Oi, Hazel, are you going to sit there all day or do you need me to feed you?"

Hazel was saved from answering when Homura, having apparently snapped back to reality, returned his attention to Gato. "Oh Gato, you are the sun and I am the moon. Arise fair sun and-- what are you snickering about?"

Zenon threw his head back and bawled. "Arise? Can shikis even do that?"

"Damnit, you people don't have a single romantic bone in your bodies! I'm not bringing you guys out next time!"

"He's a slow learner, isn't he?" Hazel observed to Sanzo. "One would think that after dating you he'd have gotten it down pat... not that you were anywhere near cooperative either."

Sanzo shrugged. "What with everyone after me, I can't afford to play easy-to-get."

"I give up on all this stupid, circuitous dating nonsense!" Homura snarled, and launched himself across the table in an attempt at the Direct Approach. "I bet you no one can resist a War God at his sexies--"

"Hazel," Gato said, as he plucked Homura out of thin air. "Was he trying to..."

"He was trying to snog you, if that's what you were asking," Sanzo replied. "He does that every time he runs out of patience."

"Then please excuse me for a moment," Gato replied.

"Feel free," Hazel told him.

Shien glanced at Zenon. "Should we..."

Zenon shrugged. "He's the one who told us not to interfere with his plans. More sashimi?"

"Please."

There was the sound of something getting bounced down the steps in a series of shrieks.

"--if you OW can like OW that prissy OW... OUCH little ARGH--"

Then there was silence.

Gato reappeared through the doors, dusting his hands off. He caught Zenon's eye (Shien's weren't open, anyway). "I did not do him any permanent damage."

"He'll recover," Zenon said nonchalantly. "Our Homura-sama's tough."

Hazel was already on his feet, raising the pendant. "Did he hurt you?"

Gato smiled, very slightly. "No. But I think dinner may be cut short."

It was a rather quieter party that set off for home. Homura was limping and cursing, and muttering imprecations in between vows to keep trying. Hazel and Sanzo strode in front, the former sparkling slightly to light the way. Gato stayed by Hazel's side.

Zenon was swaying, having consumed entirely too much alcohol over dinner "Well, Homura didn't want any more, right?" Shien walked placidly alongside him, lending him a supporting arm. Over and in all, everyone was happy, except for Homura, even if Sanzo had ended up footing the bill with the Sanbutshin's card.

"I'm going to have an early night," Homura announced loudly when they clattered into the foyer. "And..." he fluttered his eyelashes at Gato. "Won't you reconsider, Gorgeous? I admit that I had too much to drink and was a tiny bit impulsive this evening but--"

"--HOMURA, you jerk! What are you doing here?!" a new voice rang out.

All eyes turned.

Goku stood in the doorway.

--x--

Back to index

Chapter 4: IV

"Why... hello... Goku..." Homura stammered. "I came over to visit. Decided to drop by and stay--"

"--the Hell you did!" Goku snapped. "I heard your oh-so-familiar and oh-so-pathetic attempts to hit on Gato. If you weren't so sickeningly... nauseatingly cute, I think I'd have kicked your ass into next week."

Homura's eyes narrowed. Both of them squared off. "Try it," Homura snarled.

With a flash, Goku drew his Almighty Staff.

(...I meant Nyoibou. What were you thinking about?)

In response, Homura drew his Mighty Flaming Sword.

Hazel looked mildly appalled. "Are they really going to fight?"

Goku glanced up and winked. "It's alright, mum. Really."

"They do this all the time," Sanzo yawned. "They'll duke it out. Last man standing gets to be seme. Let's go."

"Can you at least take it outside?" Hazel snapped.

"Yeah, take it outside," Zenon called. "Shien and I want to get some sleep."

"Sleep is last thing on your mind!" Goku yelled back, but twirled the staff once and jauntily stepped out the door. "Bye mum!" he said, giving Hazel a wave. "You and Dad have a good night!"

"I told you to stop calling me that!"

"Yes, mum!"

"Son Goku! Don't turn your back on an enemy!" Homura bellowed, and charged after him.

"As if you're a threat," Goku smirked. There was the sound of metal clashing on metal, and several thumps.

"I don't understand," Hazel muttered. "One moment he was all over Gato..."

"It's the way they are. Their relationship is one continuous series of break ups and make ups." Sanzo lit a cigarette and ambled towards the bedroom.

--x--

"Sanzo, how many times do I have to tell you: don't smoke in bed!"

Sanzo raised an eyebrow and nonchalantly tapped the end of his cigarette. Ash fell onto the sheets. Hazel glared.

"If you have a problem with it, you can sleep elsewhere." Another flick and more ash dropped.

"At least use the ashtray."

"Have I told you that you nag too much?"

Hazel scowled, but didn't answer. In the silence, the sounds of Goku and Homura's fight could clearly be heard.

"And take that, monkey boy!"

"When will those two shut up?" Hazel muttered.

"They tend to go on all night," Sanzo replied. He took another drag on the cigarette. "You on the other hand... don't."

Hazel shot up. "If I remember correctly, you're the one who rolls over and falls asleep--"

There was a massive crash as Homura slammed into the window, accompanied by the sound of shattering glass. Hazel and Sanzo promptly took cover from the flying shards -- a complicated movement involving two people diving in different directions, and one bedsheet. The net result was a single, tangled mess.

"Oops, sorry," Homura said. "Eh..." he glanced through the window, and smirked. "You really are too skinny under that coat thing. Sanzo not feeding you enough?"

"Get out," Hazel told him.

"Right, right, I'll leave you both to it--" Homura stood up, just as Goku's concerned face appeared beside him.

"You guys-- oh. I didn't need to see that."

"YOU AND THAT FUCKING BASTARD CAN BLOODY WELL GET LOST!" Sanzo exploded. He made a grab for the Smith and Wesson on the bedside table, got entangled in the sheets, missed, and ended up kicking Hazel off the bed.

Goku grinned sheepishly, grabbed Homura by the arm, and dragged him off.

"You know, that bishoplet does look better with his hair messed up," Homura's voice carried back through the broken window.

"You're fighting me," Goku replied. "And watch out before I knock you flat on your ass."

"Yeah? Try it and see!"

"Fucking assholes," Sanzo growled.

"Sanzo, something's burning," Hazel's voice drifted over to him.

"Oh, will you stop whining?"

"Sanzo," Hazel repeated, rising to his feet and fastidiously avoiding the broken glass. "The sheets are on fire." His voice was amazingly flat.

"Wha--? Oh shit!" Sanzo glanced at the tangle. "Stupid flaming war gods!"

"It wasn't Homura," Hazel repeated gently. "It was your cigarette."

The wind gusted gently -- not enough to put out the fire, just enough to fan it. There was a moment of stillness as both of them stared... then the flames caught and spread.

Several minutes, a lot of water, and Gato's assistance later, Hazel was slumped at the foot of the bed dusting off his hands and looking over several glass induced lacerations. Water dripped off his bangs and traced paths in the soot. Sanzo was standing in the middle of the room, belting out curses under his breath. Gato dumped the last of the glass outside the window, and glanced back. "Hazel, are you ok?"

"Aw, leave him," Sanzo growled. "He can do with a bit less mothering. Now where did my sutra go? If it was singe-- what's your problem?"

Hazel had leapt to his feet. "You... you... rude, self-centered, heartless excuse of a monk!"

"What crawled up your ass and died?"

Something flashed in Hazel's eyes as he grabbed the front of Sanzo's robe and propelled him towards the door in an unusual display of force.

"What the hell is wrong with you today?" Sanzo demanded.

With a shove, Hazel booted Sanzo out the front door.

"What the fuck?" Sanzo yelled as he rolled down the stairs and hit every one.

"And you can stay there until you decide to be more civil!"

"The fuck? What about--"

His gun and sutras came sailing out to thump him on the head.

"You got a pro--"

The door slammed.

"Well," Sanzo said, after the shock had worn off. "This blows."

--x--

Shien ducked behind the bedroom door and closed it discretely as Hazel came storming back into the house. There was a tense pause, then the slam of another door rattled his teeth.

"Well?" Zenon asked.

"Well. He threw Sanzo-san out."

"Ha. I knew it."

" You knew that he would eventually get tired of Sanzo-san's attitude?"

"I knew that the fertility idol would work. He's definitely hormonal."

--x--

Back to index

Chapter 5: V

Sanzo had lighted a cigarette. It seemed like the logical thing to do, when locked out of your house with a couple of morons fighting in the backyard. There were grunts. Perhaps they'd finished fighting. He didn't want to know.

Unfortunately, he reflected, this last cigarette wasn't going to last him the rest of the night. It was nearly down to the filter. Hazel, the bastard, hadn't bothered to pass him a spare pack.

The end of the cigarette glowed ominously in the dark, and a little more of it flaked away.

Sanzo reflected that it would be possible to stand up, walk round to the side where Homura had conveniently smashed the bedroom window open, and ask Hazel to pass him another pack. It would be equally possible to threaten him with physical harm or the lack of sex for the next week or so if he refused to open the door. Genjo Sanzo did not negociate.

...It was a good plan. Sanzo discarded the cigarette and stood, brushing off his robes. Casually drawing the revolver from his sleeve pocket, he sauntered over to the bedroom window.

"Yes?" Hazel asked.

"Pass me the pack of cigarettes on the bedside table," Sanzo told him.

Hazel raised one eyebrow and broke into a huge smile. "Smoking is bad for you, dearest."

"I don't give a damn. Give me the cigarettes."

"You mean these?" Hazel lifted up a pack, and tapped it gently with one finger. A fountain of water shot out. "Quite thoroughly ruined." With a shrug, he turned and hurled it into the dustbin.

Sanzo could feel a vein beginning to tic in his forehead. "Fine, then. Open the door."

"And why should I?" Hazel asked.

"The sooner you open the door, the sooner you get laid."

His husband's expression turned faintly sardonic. "Oh, but I believe I'm not the one who 'goes on all night', as you so kindly pointed out. I've had quite enough for the day, thank you."

"No sex for a week," Sanzo threatened.

"I believe I can live with that."

Damn! And Hakkai had assured him that that always worked with Gojyo...

...Gojyo. Hazel. Oh, right. Damn repressed bishops. Time to pull out the other trump card.

There was a click as Sanzo levered off the safety catch and levelled the revolver at Hazel. "Open the door, asshole."

Hazel took a step back. "One moment, if you please." He disappeared from view.

"Good," Sanzo muttered under his breath, flicking the safety back on. At last, someone with the sense to listen--

A shadow appeared in the window. "Good evening," a deep voice rumbled.

Sanzo glanced up.

"Hazel said that you had something to discuss with me," Gato told him.

Shit, Sanzo reflected dourly. But Genjo Sanzo did not back down. "Yes. Four words: Open. The. Damn. Door."

"If that's all, then good night," Gato replied.

Sanzo could feel his fingers curling around the grip of the Smith and Wesson. He could beat Gato in a draw, considering that Gato's revolvers were holstered. Unfortunately, he would need to be extremely lucky to get the shikigami with a killing head shot, or the short remainder of his life would be markedly unpleasant, even discounting Hazel's wheedling of Doom. Besides, he would never be allowed back into the house again, which rather defeated the purpose.

"Or tell him to pass me my gold card."

"It is apparently missing," Gato replied.

"I don't suppose you can persuade Shien or Zenon to open the door for me?"

"They're busy," Hazel's voice floated out of the room.

Verification of this theory was in order, so Sanzo stepped over the glass shards and made his way towards the other end of the house. Goku and Homura were no where in sight as he passed through the backyard, although a sock mysteriously flew out of nowhere to land on his head. Sanzo discarded it with a grimace. It was red.

He knocked on the window to the room that Shien and Zenon shared. There were several muffled thumps, but no reply. Sucking his breath through his teeth in frustration, Sanzo knocked again. Loudly.

There were more thumps, something that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, and no reply.

For a moment, he contemplated putting a bullet through the window, but the thought of the repair bill and Hazel's wrath was daunting.

So that was why Gojyo and Hakkai found Sanzo sitting on the doorstep in the morning, twitching from nicotine deprivation and thoroughly pissed off.

"Oh my," Gojyo leered, evidently quicker on the uptake than Hakkai, which was a bit unusual. In fact, Hakkai was acting a bit strange in general, and the smile on his face was just a little vaguer and more happy.

"Oh, hello Sanzo. Watching the sunrise?" the man asked, propping up his monocle.

"It's a bit late for that. Sun's high in the sky," Gojyo said, noting the small pile of discarded cigarette butts. A pile, true, but an unusually small pile.

"It wasn't raining last night, was it?" Hakkai said, frowning a little as he searched his memory. "I was quite sure that it wasn't."

Gojyo snorted. "I don't think either of us were paying particular attention to the weather last night."

"Shut up and pass me a cigarette," Sanzo snarled.

Gojyo feigned shock, complete with the flail-backwards and the hand-raised-to-cover-his-mouth actions. "The High Priest Genjo Sanzo-sama wants one of my cigarettes?"

Sanzo hadn't slept all night. It was a bit hard to, when he was bloody furious at the world, and in the mood to pound a few skulls in. He'd been almost -- almost mad enough to use the maten kyoumon...except that Hazel would have looked at him reproachfully and mumbled something in that weirdass accent of his. Sanzo found himself grinding his teeth. Genjo Sanzo did not have a soft spot for wide blue eyes, chirpy smiles and wacky sparkles. Absolutely not. Inconceivable. Genjo Sanzo was Genjo Sanzo and he did not have feelings for anybody.

...Genjo Sanzo was also married and sitting on the porch of his matrimonal home with the door locked behind him, as Gojyo was helpfully pointing out.

"Oh dear," Hakkai said, evidentally arriving at the conclusion that Gojyo must have drawn earlier. "Have you tried apologizing?"

"Whatever for?" Sanzo snapped. "I didn't do anything."

"We're not exactly in possession of all the facts here," Hakkai said thoughtfully, "But I'm sure there's a reason why he's not happy with you."

"He's in a sulk. Leave him."

"I daresay I'm not the one in a sulk," a familiar voice said from the side.

Sanzo growled as Hazel, evidentally having emerged from the back door, chirped good mornings at Gojyo and Hakkai.

"Gato and I were just heading to town. A small matter of a replacement window pane." Hazel glanced at Sanzo. "I'm sure you won't mind my borrowing your card. On account of this being shared property and shared expenses." There was a flash of gold as the card appeared between his fingers, and disappeared again into a sleeve.

"You--" Sanzo surged his feet, in time to find himself staring at Gato's chest.

...It wasn't a particularly nice chest to stare at. It was flat, large, and exuded the general feeling of being too close to danger.

"Could I trouble you for a lift to town, Hakkai-han?" Hazel was asking. "I'm terribly sorry that you made all this trouble to come down..."

"I'd be happy to," Hakkai replied. "And it was no trouble at all."

"I'll buy you lunch," Hazel promised.

"Bouzu coming along?" Gojyo asked.

"I'm sure he's quite happy where he is." Hazel strode purposely towards the jeep. He did not look back.

Damn. Maybe Genjo Sanzo did negociate after all. The itch for a cigarette was getting terminal.

"Look, Hazel--" he started.

Hazel paused. Then glanced back with a smile. "I'm afraid that I'm in a hurry. Can this wait until I get back?"

Of course it couldn't. Sanzo was going to lose his grip on reality and kill things if he didn't get a cigarette now.

"Maybe you should try asking nicely," Hakkai whispered into his ear.

Sanzo shot him a sour glare. "Don't butt your nose into things that don't concern you." He coughed, trying to clear a throat that was inexplicably blocked.

"Could you..."

"Could I?"

"Pass me my cigarettes?"

Hazel stared impassively at him.

"'Please'," Hakkai whispered.

Sanzo clenched his teeth. "Please."

Hazel crossed his arms. "It's a disgusting habit, Sanzo."

"It's way too late to kick it," Gojyo said cheerfully. "He's going to die from lung cancer anyway. Unless that Aunt of his intervenes -- which is entirely possible. Besides, he's a nicer person when he's not separated from his smokies."

"Too true," Hazel sighed. "Very well." He pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it at Sanzo, who caught it with ease. And glanced at it.

"Shall we go?" Hazel asked Gojyo and Hakkai.

"Marlboro Lights?" Sanzo spluttered from behind them. "What kind of wuss smokes Marlboros lights?"

Hazel grinned at him and touched the brim of his hat in farewell.

Then there was a cloud of dust and the sound of a jeep accelerating down the road. And the occasional snore from inside the house.

--x--

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Chapter 6: VI

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Chapter 7: VII

Sanzo limped to the door. One of the new ground rules had been to answer if the doorbell rang, so long as he was closer to the door or Hazel was busy. And since Hazel had opted to cook breakfast instead of lounging in the living room, the lazy ass, that meant that Sanzo had to deal with whatever messed up visitor it was this time.

Walking hurt, damnit. Although he had to admit that he'd been surprised at how well Hazel's athleticism in fighting carried over to whatever he did in bed. And Hazel's mouth wasn't just good for talking-- but first. The door.

"Genjo Sanzo," the visitor said formally, as he opened the door, "Hand over the sutra."

--

Kougaiji slowly picked himself off the floor, massaging a suddenly aching jaw. Sanzo stood over him, looking more pissed off than usual and currently massaging his knuckles. He'd never known the priest to lose his temper in such spectacular fashion, but Sanzo was a married man now, and they always said that people changed after marriage.

"I thought we were through with that bullshit!" Sanzo was raging. "There are laws against this, you know? Harassment and shit like that? Get off my porch and go find some other Sanzo to bug!"

Suddenly, the reason behind the unexpected assault on his chin was made clear. "I meant the seiten sutra," Kougaiji said. He had to restrain himself from sighing.

Sanzo blinked at him.

"Remember the pact? I got to keep the Seiten sutra while you got to keep the Maten? In exchange for helping you to defeat Gyokumen?" Really, he hadn't expected Sanzo's memory to be that short-lived...

"Of course I remember, moron. And it's with you, not with me. Which part of your brain did Engokuki fry this time?"

"Homura took it again," Kougaiji said patiently. "And came here. So I'd like the seiten sutra back."

"Why didn't you just say so?" Sanzo snarled.

"Habit, I suppose," he replied, and felt compelled to add, "I'm terribly sorry about the confusion."

"Anyway, Homura's not here. Left early yesterday evening." Sanzo turned, unsubtly exhibiting his intention to return to the couch and slam the door. He was moving funny, Kougaiji noted. Perhaps some old injury was acting up.

"Could I impose upon your hospitality until he returns, then? Because he will return; he always does."

He suddenly became aware that the ambient temperature had dropped a few degrees. Instinct drew his attention to a pair icy blue eyes whose owner had appeared at Sanzo's shoulder.

Youkai, those eyes said, calmly and clearly as if the man had said them out loud.

"You would be Glosse?" Kougaiji hazarded. The way he shouldered his way to stand protectively in front of Sanzo certainly suggested that. And the way that Sanzo was trying to elbow him back.

"Please to make your acquaintance. You are?"

"Kougaiji," Sanzo said. "Breakfast done yet?"

Both Kougaiji and Hazel missed the last question as the temperature went down a few more notches.

"Your Highness," Hazel said, ironically.

"Your Reverence," Kougaiji returned, equally ironically. Suddenly, the blood and souls of a thousand of youkai were between them, and all screaming for vengeance.

"I'm afraid we have a lot of house guests at the moment," Hazel said coldly. "And we're completely out of guest rooms."

"You can't be, if Homura just left."

"Homura was not using a room, I'm afraid. He slept outside. However, if you left a contact address, I'm sure that Sanzo could tell you when he returns."

They stared at each other. Kougaiji could already feel his palms tingling with the warmth of a harnessed fireball. Just how many of my youkai did you kill, you?

Just how many of my people did you kill? Hazel shot back silently.

You had no excuse.

Kougaiji was suddenly aware that his cranium was throbbing wildly, and Hazel's attention had turned to Sanzo. Who was pocketing a paper fan.

"You didn't just hit me with that!" Kougaiji exclaimed in tandem with Hazel. Both of them spared a moment to glare at each other before returning their glares to the source of their current headaches.

"It got you out of it, anyway," Sanzo said. "Morons."

"Sanzo," Hazel said dangerously. The fan-swat had sent his fringe flopping into his eyes.

"Well, fine. Look, Kougaiji. We don't have space. So bugger off and go look for that stupid Toushin on your own. I'll send the monkey to give you a note if he turns up again."

"I have business with Reverend Glosse," Kougaiji said through clenched teeth.

"And I have business getting both of you to shut up so that I can have breakfast!" Sanzo barked. The Smith and Wesson appeared in his hand at the speed of thought.

"...That doesn't work on me," Kougaiji said, after the requisite amount of silence had passed.

"No, but it'll give you the most amazing headache, and holes in your skull aren't in the latest fashion, even if you can regenerate them," Sanzo sneered. "Not to mention the amount of downtime, when you could spend it looking for the sutra. And how dare you lose it, asshole?"

"Sanzo. Please. Language," Hazel massaged his temples.

"Whatever. The point stands."

There was someone who used to follow Kougaiji around, back in the bad old days, when you sometimes needed someone to watch your back while you summoned Engokuki. And his name was Dokugakuji, and unfortunately, he was not here right now.

Kougaiji regretted that tactical error. Massive muscles always did make for the most persuasive arguments in peace talks. Although, this being Sanzo, all the muscle in the world probably couldn't get him to change his mind.

But a distinct lack of muscle can, his brain noted insidiously, as his glance slid to Hazel. Must have been the novelty of knowing someone who actually had smaller waistsize, impossible as that may be.

And Kougaiji sighed. "Very well. I accept the arrangement."

"And good day to you," Hazel said pointedly.

There was a pause, until Hazel graciously pointed out that the fireballs around Kougaiji's hands had set fire to his pants.

Kougaiji emitted a most un-princely series of curses as he headed for the nearest water source. Fire didn't hurt him -- not his own elemental fire, at any rate -- but his pants were quite a different matter.

Later, Kougaiji had to admit that Hazel, at least, was a helpful person at heart. He'd even served him breakfast when it was evident that they had to wait for Dokugakuji to arrive on dragonback with an extra pair of pants, because neither Sanzo's nor Hazel's would fit, and Hakkai's wouldn't stay on without a belt.

But Kougaiji could have murdered the bishop for the amusement in his eyes.

"Again?" Dokugakuji asked as he handed a bundle to him.

"I haven't done it in years," Kougaiji said, furiously embarrassed.

"Just like bed-wetting," Hazel murmured sotto voce, causing Sanzo to choke on his coffee.

"Like what?" Dokugakuji asked.

"Like asbestos," Hazel replied. "It's fireproof. I recommend that for his Highness' clothing. Yaone-han could probably help you with it."

In the silence, the sound of Sanzo's snickering and Dokugakuji's frantic throat clearing was clearly audible.

"Help you make it," Hazel clarified with a smile.

"Oh yes. Of course. And I must be off. Thank you for breakfast." Kougaiji turned, fully intending to storm towards the dragon and never look back.

"Your Highness?" Hazel's voice floated to him. "Your fly is undone."

--x---

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