Reverse Psychology by Elvaron

Index

Chapter 1: Part I: Meet the Muse
Chapter 2: Part II: Weird Happenings
Chapter 3: Part III: Of Chibis and Youkai
Chapter 4: Part IV: Familiar Faces
Chapter 5: Part V: Epilogue

Chapter 1: Part I: Meet the Muse

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
By sf

Begun : May 19, 2002

Rating : PG
Foreword : An explanation of how this crazy fic came to be.

It started innocently enough. Toes read Firearm. Or finished reading Borderline. I'm not sure which. Either way, toes, who's a very nice person--

Muse : *sniggers*
Sf : shhh!!!!

Anyway, toes, a very nice person, who, unlike the rest of us, doesn't like to get the Saiyuki cast too badly damaged, came up to me and said :

Toes : Is it possible to write a fic in which none of them get hurt, get angry, angst, curse, and kill things?
Sf : No.
Toes : I mean, if you took out all the fighting, all the cursing, all the angst--
Sf : You would't have a story left.
Toes : Ahaha. That's not what I meant.

And things were left there.

Then, one sunny Sunday afternoon, the idea came around and bit me on the ass.

Idea : RAR! *CHOMP*
Sf : ITAI~~~~~!!!!!
Muse : Have you seen my idea? It scuttled off somewhere.
Sf : Yes. >_

Back to index

Chapter 2: Part II: Weird Happenings

Muse : Before we go on, I have an important announcement.
Sf : Positively urgent.

Muse : *glares*. Yes. It's regarding the issue of Cartoon Network in the last chapter. I'd like to assure all our traumatized readers that no, Saiyuki is not being aired on cartoon network, and is not being mutilated to fit it.. (although the bit about it being marketed as 'Paradise Raiders' is highly probable). The cartoon network thing was just an excuse to fix 'em. Bwahhahahaa. *trails off into evil laughter*.

Sf : -_-. Disclaimer : I am not responsible for the craziness of my muse. Especially when it leaves my side to go on a rampage in the fanfic world *nod**nod**nod*.

Muse : Then again, compared to the things being aired on TV these days, Saiyuki is positively mild.

Sf : ... Moving on.

There was nothing to do but get on the road again. So Hakuryuu transformed back into jeep, and all four clambered aboard, casting suspicious glances at the seatbelts, and continued West.

It was unusually silent, with Gojyo and Goku brooding over the Muse's threats, Sanzo brooding in general, and Hakkai.. well, being Hakkai. Finally, Goku leaned forward. "Ne, Sanzo."

Sanzo glanced up.

"I thought you said that Gods didn't help people.."
"I said that Gods don't help people. It doesn't mean that they can't kick your posterior into the next week if you *bleep* them off."

Somewhere up there, Kanzeon Bosatsu sneezed violently.

"Besides, Muses are worse," Hakkai added. "They control the whole fanfic realm, which is endless, and can make your life miserable for the rest of your fanfic existence."
"Do you think the Muse will really do .. that?" Goku said.
"Certainly. Do you want proof?" a familiar and unwelcomed voice drifted down to them, accompanied by the usual smell of hazelnut coffee.
"No..no thanks," Goku said hurriedly.

"Bakazaru," Gojyo muttered.
"Ooo, a sign of affection!" Goku returned sarcastically.
"You wish, *bleep*!"
"Do you need a reminder of what'll happen if you start arguing again?" Sanzo said.

It was even more effective than The Fan. Gojyo and Goku shut up in a hurry.

After another few minutes of travel time, Goku leaned forward again. "Hakkai, why are you driving so slowly?"

"We can't exceed the speed limit..."
"What blinking speed limit?" Gojyo said. "This isn't even a *bleeping* road! There aren't any speed limits for driving in the wilderness!"
"Apparently, there are now," Sanzo replied, looking distastefully at the dashboard. "And it appears to be 40 miles an hour."
"*bleep*" Gojyo muttered. "It's going to take us *forever* to reach the next town.."

"Cheese.." Sanzo paused in midsentence as the intended obscenity came out .. well... different.

"It might be better if you didn't swear at all," Hakkai said quietly.

Sanzo's glare was almost a substitute for the missing Smith and Wesson. Hakkai smiled back.

"Hmph. Pass me a beer," Sanzo said.
"And what should you say?" Gojyo said, taunting.
"What on earth do you mean 'what should I say'?"
"Aww, comeon, it's not too hard. It's six letters long and starts with P."
"You can take your Ps and Qs and shove them where the sun doesn't shine!"
"Eh? Where's that?" Goku interjected.
"You're practically sitting on it," Sanzo snapped back.
"Ano.. Sanzo.. that's not nice," Hakkai said desperately.
"Crumbs..."

"So do you want that beer, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo smirked.
"Eh... Gojyo, there isn't any more beer," Goku said, rummaging in the back. He held up a can.

'100% Natural Chinese Tea. No herbs or preservatives added'.

"What the *bleep*?" Sanzo and Gojyo chorused.
"There's a note," Goku added, pulling out a piece of paper.
Sanzo took it. And stared at it. And stared at it harder. And smacked his forehead. "Barney in a hot-air balloon..."

Gojyo grabbed the paper.

'Dear cast,
Due to .. special circumstances, which, by now, you should be familiar with, there shall be no consumption of alcohol for the duration of the day. Instead, healthy canned chinese tea (sugar and caffiene free), has been substituted. Invigorating and refreshing, this drink is guarenteed to put a bounce into your step and a smile on your face.

Sincerely,
The Muse.'

"Some Muse up there must be laughing its head off..." Gojyo growled.

Faint strains of laughter came floating down.

"Well, maybe it ain't so bad," Goku said, popping open a can and taking a mouthful.

Gojyo ducked as chinese tea came spraying out in a solid stream.

"WHAT THE *BLEEP*?! THAT TASTED LIKE *BLEEP*!" Goku yelled. He glanced at the can. "Oolong Tea? That *bleep*s!"
"They expect us to drink that?!" Gojyo demanded.
"If you can drink warm beer, you can drink anything," the Muse said sweetly.

"You don't suppose there's any sake left?" Hakkai said, sounding just the least bit unhappy.
"There's Ribena Light, with no added food coloring," Gojyo said, checking.
"Oh dear.."

"Goku," Sanzo said.
"Nani?"
"Check the food supplies."
"Hai!" Goku grabbed the satchel. "The bento boxes are still here.."
"Check inside the bentos."

"Wha... what's this? SALAD?" Several lettuce leaves went flying. "Brown rice and steamed fish?! What the... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Goku's wail of distress went flying up into the Heavens.

"It says here, on the box... Promote a Healthy Lifestyle. Eat more greens," Gojyo commented. "And.. Warning, may contain nuts."

"Nooooooo! I want my meat buns!"

The look on Sanzo's face suggested that he'd been dreading this all along.

"Well... it can't be that bad, can it?" Hakkai asked.
"YES IT CAN!" Gojyo and Goku chorused.
"Hey, at least it's quality stuff. 100% organic products," Hakkai pointed out.
"Hakkai.. why do I get the feeling that you're enjoying this?" Sanzo said quietly.
"Okay, we're stuck here with no food and nothing to drink. The bakazaru's going to starve to death, and the rest of us will die of thirst," Gojyo groaned.
"There's still water," Hakkai pointed out.
"Thank the god of small miracles!"
"I never thought I'd hear you say that about water."
"Yeah, but water's usually the worse alternative!"
"Now, now, you wouldn't happen to be suggesting that the modifications I've made are.. unacceptable, would you?" the Muse asked.

Sanzo's eyebrow started twitching violently, but the group remained otherwise silent.

There was a pause.

"Sanzo?" the Muse said. "I'm afraid that sf won't let you bite your tongue off... so I guess you'll just have to play along. Seriously, it isn't as bad you think.."

Sanzo snarled something unintelligible under his breath. It sounded a lot like : *bleep*.

"Well, I'll leave you guys to it..." there was fading laughter as the Muse's presence faded.

And so they travelled on in silence, following the policy of : 'If you can't find something nice to say, then don't say anything.'

They'd been travelling for slightly under an hour, when they ran out of snow, and ran into grassland.

Hakkai looked around. "Well, at least the weather's improving."

At that moment, rain came sloshing down.

It rained buckets. The clear blue sky had turned pitch dark, and was completely clouded over. It looked like some crazy Muse had taken an airbrush and spray painted clouds on in a hurry.

Sanzo was trying very hard not to swear. Gojyo was letting out an inordinate number of *bleeps*. Hakkai was trying to see through the torrents.

"Hey, what's that?" Goku said, pointing.

Hakuryuu's headlights illuminated a sign post at the side of the road. A big, neon light kind of sign post, with flashing pink words and a glowing green border. And bright orange decor. Even through the rain, the words were clearly visible.

'Let a smile be your umbrella'

"What kind of logic is that?" Gojyo asked.
"Muse logic," Hakkai replied.
"What does it mean?" Goku asked.
"It means.. oh crackers, this is so *stupid*... smile and the rain will go away.." Sanzo muttered.
"Oh, let's try it!"

Goku beamed happily.

The rain faltered. A clear little space appeared over Goku's head, where the droplets hit an invisible barrier and dripped down the sides instead. The others stared.

"It works!"

"Well, if it's that easy.." Hakkai turned on his usual Hakkai-smile. Instantly, the space above him cleared. An invisible umbrella hung over him. Rain diverted its course and headed for the ground instead.

It was funny, really, seeing the rain glancing off thin air. Funny enough to make Gojyo overcome his skepticism and venture a smile. Being a babe-magnet and all, turning on the charm was a simple matter for him.

The rain let up even further, and another invisible umbrella popped into existence directly over his head.

"Oh, this is so cool!" Goku said. "We should try it the next time we get caught in the rain!"
"This is so *bleeping* dumb," Sanzo scowled. The rain was falling steadily on him alone now.
"Well, Sanzo-sama, you were the one who translated it," Gojyo smirked. "Aren't you going to act on your own advice?"
"*bleep* off." Sanzo was getting positively soaked.
"Oh... mister Sanzo-sama can't smile. I'd forgotten."
"*bleeeeeep*."
"Sanzo, at least try..." Hakkai said. "It worked for the rest of us..."
"Yeah, Sanzo! It's not hard!"
"Bunch of *bleeps*.."
"Yeah, and remind me to get a camera for this momentus occasion!" Gojyo crowed.

They stood in silence for a little longer. Water pooled around Sanzo's feet. His robes were rapidly becoming saturated.

"Well, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked. "You're going to catch a cold if you stand around any longer."
"And the tent's gone," Goku said, checking. "As well as anything that could possibly stand in for an umbrella."
"Well, I think he likes it," Gojyo said. "Walking around under his own private thundercloud.. that's our Sanzo, alright."

Sanzo shot him a glare that had the consistency of a lightning bolt. Gojyo yelped and ducked behind Hakkai.

They waited.

Finally: "...Very well."

"What? Was that for real?" Gojyo said in mock surprise.
"Quiet, Gojyo," Sanzo hissed.
"Yeah, everyone, quiet now. The great Sanzo-sama needs to concentrate."
A vein was throbbing violently on Sanzo's forehead. He was clenching and unclenching his hands in a way that suggested that, if he had his Fan, Gojyo would be just another puddle of water on the floor.

Hakkai laid a warning hand on Gojyo's shoulder.

"I'm just trying to give him moral support.." Gojyo complained.
"We all know what you really mean. Even the audience might catch on," Hakkai replied.

The rain fell.

"Well, Sanzo? Lost your courage?" Gojyo asked after a while. The monk was so drenched that water was pouring off the hem of his robe, and there were mini-waterfalls cascading off the sutras. Everyone else was drying out. Even Hakuryuu had converted back to dragon form and had taken shelter under Hakkai's umbrella.

"I'm going to dismember whoever came up with this idea..." Sanzo muttered.

And smiled.

It wasn't a nice smile. It was a toothy sort of smile that looked like it belonged on some prehistoric carnivore from beyond the dawn of time. It was positively feral.

Gojyo and Goku backed up a pace. "Woah.. scary..."

But it worked.

The rain stopped. With a pop, the clouds vanished as if they'd never been, leaving nothing but three rain-splattered youkai and one very, very drenched human.

Sanzo's smile disappeared so fast that the other three wondered if they'd imagined it.

"Well, that was good," Hakkai ventured, breaking the silence.
"Is this why you hate rain, Sanzo?" Goku asked innocently.
"*bleeping* bakazaru!"
"Well, well, now that's over, let's make a move," Hakkai said.
"We can't. Not while bouzu's drenched," Gojyo pointed out.
"Let's have lunch," Goku suggested.

No one could really find fault with that, except for Gojyo's complaints that there was nothing worth eating. So they ended up standing around Hakuryuu, who obligingly converted back into Jeep form so that they could lean against him, drinking diluted Ribena and eating low-fat, unflavored natural yoghurt.

"Well, this is all fine and good," Gojyo said, scowling at a 100% organic tomato, "but I need a cigarette. Bad. Real bad." He fished around for his pack of Hi-Lites. Located it and popped it open.

Dead silence.

"I say, those look an awful lot like breath mints," Hakkai said, observing the contents of the pack.
Sanzo appropriated one. "They are."
Gojyo twitched.
"Hey, these are good!" Goku tipped out a handful.

Gojyo twitched some more.

Hakkai took one. "Not too sweet either.."
"I'm.. gonna.. kill... whoever... did... this..." Gojyo growled.
"That would be the Muse," Sanzo replied mercilessly.

"Who's going to kill me?" the Muse called.

Gojyo glared.

"Would you prefer chewing gum instead? There's some in Sanzo's pack."

The Very-Nasty-Smile reappeared for a brief moment on Sanzo's face, as he pulled out his pack of Marlboros.

Sure enough, there were sticks of chewing gum instead of cigarettes. And, right on the front of the pack, were the words :

'Smoking Kills. Quit smoking today, and enjoy life to the fullest!'

"Sanzo? Sanzo, calm down! You're going to blow a vessel.."
"Gojyo, you're going as red as your hair.."
"*bleeping* bakazaru!"
"Maa, think of all the money you'll save on cigarettes if you use this chance to break the habit.."

...

"Hey, it was a joke! It was-- hey, this is a no violence fic!"

* * *
TBC
* * *

Muse : Oh, the wrath of nicotine deprived bishonen..
Sf : What? It's not finished yet?
Muse : Ahahhahhahaa.
Sf : You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?
Muse : ^_^v

Muse : Btw, the rain scene was just another attempt to get Sanzo-sama to smile. I'd say that the results were... of mixed success.

Back to index

Chapter 3: Part III: Of Chibis and Youkai

Muse : I have this crazy idea about sheep…
Sf : …
Idea : RAR!
Sf : *smack* *squish* *stomp*
Idea : x_x

They travelled for a little more. The sun was shining merrily down from a cloudless blue sky. Jiipu rolled down a rustic brown track amidst green fields all about.

It looked a lot better than it felt.

"Gaaahhh~! I’m baking to death!" Goku complained.

"Stu–" *boink* "–pid" *boink* "*bleep*" *boink* "ing" "boink* "BUMPS!" Gojyo yelled, as Jiipu went over another rut.

"Urusee," Sanzo hissed.

A little breeze picked up, blowing sand and gravel into their eyes. Sanzo and Hakkai ducked behind the windscreen as Goku and Gojyo muttered *bleeps* from the back.

Goku sneezed violently. "I think I’m getting hay fever…"

"Bakazaru," Gojyo snapped, chewing furiously on his nicotine gum as if it was some kind of oral stress ball.

"Will you two keep it down?!" Sanzo called.

"Oh? The high and mighty Sanzo-sama can’t stand noise? Needs absolute silence to *bleeping* meditate?" Gojyo growled back.

"Hey, no insults. No matter how well phrased they are," the Muse called.

"Gah… that stench of Hazelnut Coffee is gonna make me puke," Gojyo said.

"I think it’s the nicotine deprivation, more than anything. Possibly jeep sickness," the Muse replied. "Consider this your first warning. There won’t be a second."

"*bleeping*… stupid… muses..!" Gojyo muttered under his breath.

"I heard that."

"Do I give a *bleep*?"

There was a brief, icy silence.

Jiipu slowed to a stop.

"Ano.. Gojyo, I think you’ve really pissed it off.." Hakkai said.

"Um.. Gojyo?" Goku said.

There had been no flash of light. No trumpets and fanfare. Certainly no brilliant

fireworks. One moment, Gojyo was sitting there, the next…

"AHHHHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!!!"

"You’ve been chibified," Sanzo commented, smirking.

"You *bleeps*!" a mini-Gojyo yelled, jumping up and down on the seat. "Just wait..

I’ll get you for this!"

"Ehehee…" Goku burst into hysterical laughter. "Go..jyo.. you’re so cute when you’re chibified.."

"ARGH! I’m not cute! *bleep*it! Chicks don’t dig cute!"

"You’d be surprised," Sanzo replied gravely.

"And what would you know about it, *bleeping* monk?!"

"Ummm.. Muse?" Hakkai said.

"Yes?"

"Is this.. how long will this change last?"

"Hmmmmmmm." The Muse ho-hummed for a very long and stressful five seconds. Chibi Gojyo was hammering Goku on the arm in an attempt to get him to shut up.

"Welllll… the Boss said… maybe an hour or so…" the Muse sounded disappointed.

"Change me back this instant, you *bleep*heads!"

"If you keep cursing, the curse - ahahah, pun intended — will keep renewing itself. So it will last until midnight or so," the Muse smirked.

"Oh *bl–" Hakkai slapped a hand over Gojyo’s mouth. "No cursing," he said sternly.

"Unless you want to remain chibified for the rest of the day."

"Hakkai, I think you knocked him out," Goku said.

True enough, Hakkai’s hand totally obscured chibi Gojyo’s face. From the *bleep*s and the shrill yells behind it, though, it was evident that Gojyo was a very long way from unconscious, and very, very, mad.

Hakkai removed his hand.

Gojyo gasped for breath. "What were you trying to do?! Suffocate me?!"

"Any more swearing, and I *will*," Hakkai replied. "You’re acting worse than Sanzo on a bad day."

"Oh really?" Sanzo said acidly.

"Really," Hakkai replied. "Now settle down, so that we can make a move."

"I’m not settling down until that Muse changes me back!"

"Sorry. Boss’ orders — curse stays for the duration of one hour. No more, no less," the Muse replied. "Enjoy."

"I need a cigarette," Gojyo muttered.

"Gum?" Goku offered, picking up the pack of Marlboros. He pulled out a stick (of gum).

And burst out laughing.

"What is it?" Sanzo asked, leaning back.

"Hehheee…" Goku the gum up against Gojyo. It was slightly under half his height.

Gojyo twitched, as if visibly forcing down a whole barrel full of *bleeps*.

"At least it’ll last," Sanzo observed.

"*bleeping* monk!" Gojyo yelled, unable to restrain himself.

Sanzo smirked. Goku continued to howl with laughter. Hakkai was biting his lip to refrain from chuckling. Gojyo sat and fumed and tried not get entangled in the seat belts.

All was silent for another few minutes, until Jiipu went over a particularly large bump.

Gojyo went flying. "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh~!!!!"

He hit the ground rolling as Hakuryuu screeched to a halt and Hakkai leapt out. "Gojyo! Dai–"

Gojyo was jumping up and down. There wasn’t a scratch on him.

"I guess it’s as they say… chibis don’t get hurt…" Hakkai smiled. "No, Gojyo. Don’t swear. Don’t. Really."

"It’s unfair! Why me?!"

"Because you *bleep*ed off a certain Muse? Big time?" Goku suggested.

"Argh! I hate you!"

"Yeah, but you can’t touch me! Ero-ero-kapppaaaaaaaaaa!! Oops."

There was a rush of air as Goku disappeared. A distinctive pop sound as he reappeared… as a six-inch tall chibi. Everyone stared.

Then Gojyo burst out laughing. "Serves you right, saru!"

"Argh! I’ll kill you!" Goku sprang at Gojyo, fists raised.

"You think? Now that you’re my size? I’ll pound you to a pulp in five seconds!"

"They do look quite cute," Hakkai said.

"Hm," Sanzo replied, noncommittal.

"Rar!"
"Ar!
"Ah!"
"Gah!"

The two combatants were churning up a small cloud of dust. Sanzo and Hakkai waited, but when it became obvious that, being unhurtable chibis, neither side was going to stop or be pummeled into a paste any time soon, Sanzo sighed and returned to the Jiipu’s passenger seat. Hakkai grabbed each of them and dumped them into the backseat.

"Hey!" Goku squeaked.

"Settle your differences in the jeep. We’re going," Sanzo snapped.

"Differences? You bet we have differences!" Gojyo yelled, his voice comically high pitched. Both of them leapt back into the fray and continued to slug it out.

This lasted for another handful of minutes before Sanzo lost his temper.

"Will you two cut it out?!"

"What if we don’t?" Gojyo stuck his tongue out.

"You bloody…" Sanzo rolled up his sleeve and whacked Gojyo soundly over the head.

There was a zap this time. There was quite definitely a zap, sans thunder, but accompanied by a flash of white smoke.

"Oh dear… that makes three of them…" Hakkai sighed. Chibi Sanzo was standing rigidly in the front seat, a vein throbbing in one temple, and a very, very nasty smile on his face. There were cute little fangs in that smile.

Gojyo was smirking. "Sooo… how does it feel to come down to our level, Sanzo-sama?"

Sanzo leapt across into the backseat and socked him hard.

"Ohh, so Sanzo-sama’s not above a fist fight? Bring it on!"

Hakkai shook his head. With all the *bleeps* escaping the fray, it seemed likely that all three were going to remained chibified for a very, very long time. Cute as they might be, having three chibis fighting continuously in the backseat was not a pleasant prospect… especially not when Goku kept hitting the gear and switching them into reverse.

Finally, Hakkai turned. "If you three don’t cut that out, I’m going to slam each of you into a bento box and close the lid."

Sanzo’s Death Glare didn’t quite have its useful force, when he didn’t have the stature to back it up. It came out positively kawaii. "I mean it," Hakkai said, sounding for all the world like a parent scolding errant children. He grabbed Sanzo and dunked him back into the front seat, and tossed the satchel in between Gojyo and Goku to serve as a barrier.

"Some people are going to die," Sanzo hissed. He had no fewer than three vein popouts.

"Not in this fanfic," Hakkai replied, resisting the urge to pat him on the head. Sanzo would never forgive him for doing that. "No violence, remember?"

There was a funny sound coming from the seat next to his. Hakkai glanced over. Sanzo was grinding his teeth.

"Don’t do that. You’ll spoil your enamel."

Sanzo gave Hakkai the Very-Very-Nasty-Grin, and continued to grind his teeth.

"Well… have it your way. You are old enough to look after yourself."

*

Funnily enough, Sanzo was the first return to normal, possibly because he’d maintained an indignant and furious silence for the past hour, while Goku and Gojyo had been hurling selected *bleeps* at each other.

So, while Hakkai had stopped by a stream to refill their bottles of 100% Pure Mountain Spring Water, ‘Put a little spring into your life’ (TM), Sanzo, who’d been standing next to him, disappeared with a little yell and reappeared shortly after in his normal form.

"Well, you’re back. That’s a relief," Hakkai said.

"That was awful," Sanzo muttered, glancing back to where chibi Goku and chibi Gojyo were still making threatening noises at each other.

"Feeling better?"

"What do you think?"

"It pays to Use a Smile As Your Umbrella," Hakkai replied, smiling.

"Oh, shut up."

"At this rate, though, Gojyo and Goku aren’t going to return to normal any time soon."

"That might not be a bad thing."

"They are cute. So were you."

"..."

"Don’t grind your teeth, Sanzo."

*grind**grind**grind*.

***

"Aha! There they are!"

"Nani?!" Hakkai and Sanzo glanced up.

Youkai were swarming into the area.

"We’re being surrounded," Hakkai muttered.

"I thought the Muse said that there wasn’t going to be any violence.."

"Looks like that clause only applies to us."

"How bad can one day get?"

"Sanzo! Youkai!" Goku yelled.

"I know, bakazaru!"

"They’re coming for us! How’re we supposed to take them down?" Gojyo demanded. He leapt up and kicked a youkai hard across a shin.

"Ow!" the youkai snarled, fishing Gojyo up with a clawed finger.

"I’ll take that," Hakkai said with a smile, swiftly snatching Gojyo away. "Sanzo! Get Goku!"

"Why *me*?" Sanzo muttered, grabbing Goku and shoving him into a sleeve pocket.

"Mmph! There’s a newspaper in here! I can’t breathe!" Goku’s cries were only partially muffled.

"Then shut up and save your breath!"

"And a pair of specs.. hey, Sanzo, I found your glasses!"

"Keep your grubby paws off my spectacles!"

The youkai were sniggering.

"How are we supposed to get out of this without killing any of them?" Sanzo demanded of the sky.

"Think. You’re supposed to be the smart one, Sanzo."

"Heh heh. We’re gonna totally *destroy* you," the lead youkai smirked.

Hakkai and Sanzo groaned.

"Hey! It’s not our fault if we can’t say the ‘k’ word!" the youkai said, indignant.

"Then keep quiet, and don’t say anything at all," Hakkai said sweetly.

"Don’t open your mouth and prove that you’re an idiot," Sanzo muttered.

"Well.. I’ll try something," Hakkai said, gathering his ki. A glowing yellow ball appeared between his finger tips. "This might work!"

*snap**crackle**pop*
*fizzzzzle*

"Oops."

The little glow of light flashed out of existence, accompanied by the sound of a lightbulb fusing.

"Well... let’s try that again..."

The glow of light reappeared between Hakkai’s hands. It grew in size and intensity, becoming brighter and brighter..

...and heavier and heavier...

...Until it rolled out of Hakkai’s hands and hit the ground with an audible thump. And stayed there, an incongruous yellow rubber ball.

"Very well done," Sanzo said.

"Third time’s the charm," Hakkai said doggedly, taking a deep breath. Light grew and accumulated between his palms.

"Hope for the best!" Hakkai cried, and fired.

The ki blast zipped forward. And passed straight through the first youkai. And the next. And the third. Then it shrank, and began zipping around like a firefly.

Sanzo slapped his forehead. Hakkai smiled shakily.

"It’s light. Light can’t hurt us!" a youkai said.

"Yeah, but sticks and stones can!" chibi Gojyo snapped.

"You watch your mouth..."

"Yeah, I am!"

"Ne, Sanzo!" Goku’s voice came drifting out of Sanzo’s sleeve pocket. Sanzo looked down in irritation.

"I’ve found your credit card!"

"Oh *bleep*!" Sanzo cried, fishing Goku out in a hurry.

Goku grinned and waved the gold card triumphantly. "All the food I could ever want! Forever and ever and ever and–HEY!"

Sanzo snatched the card away and plonked him unceremoniously onto the ground. "And for that, you can look after yourself!"

"Sure I can look after myself!" Goku railed, shaking a fist. "I always look after myself!"

"I’ll believe it when I see it."

"I’ll show you!" Goku leapt up and charged towards the nearest youkai.

Who stomped him flat. "Ahaha... that’ll fix you.."

"Wanna bet?" a squeak sounded from beneath his shoe.

"Nani?!" cautiously, the youkai lifted his foot. Goku bounced out, looking furious, but otherwise unscathed. "I’m a chibi! You can’t hurt me! So there!"

"Well, you can’t hurt me either!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Sanzo... we should do something..." Hakkai said urgently.

"I’m working on it," Sanzo said, staring very hard at his pack of chewing gum.

"Really, I’m serious..."

"All right," Sanzo sighed. "MAKAI.. TENJO!"

The sutras snapped out. Youkai screamed dramatically the moment it touched them, and struggled against it, to no avail. Evidently, they couldn’t break their paper bonds.

"Well then," Sanzo cocked his head. "At least that stopped them."

"Excellent! We can make a move..."

"Just one problem."

"And that is?"

Sanzo scowled. "How the *bleep* am I supposed to get my sutras back?"

"Good question. Muse, how do we.."

"Figure it out yourself," came the rather annoyed reply.

"Simple," Gojyo said. "We stay here until this stupid curse wears off, then we get our weapons back and slaughter the lot of them."

"That would work..."

"New rules of engagement," the Muse called. "You don’t just have to survive until midnight, you have to clear this enchanted region as well."

"How are we supposed to get anything done if you keep changing the rules?" Goku demanded.

"I’m not changing them. I’m just adding to them. Ja ne~!"

"Okay. Then we’ll have to use the backup plan," Gojyo sighed.

"Pray, tell," Sanzo said.

"We leave Sanzo here, with his sutras, and we– mmph! MMPH!"

"Idea vetoed," Sanzo said smoothly, holding the plastic bag over Gojyo’s head.

"Eh.. Sanzo.." Goku looked worried. "You’re becoming more and more like Hakkai.."

"Which side of Hakkai?"

"Eh... the nasty side..."

"Good."

"Well," Hakkai sighed. "Let’s do it this way." He walked over to where the youkai leader was still suspended in mid-air. "Sumimasen. Are you the leader of this group?"

"Yeah.."

"I have a proposition."

"Yeah? How about, you let us down, and we rip out your guts?"

"Not quite. Either we let you down, and you run away, or we tie you up again and make you listen to the Barney song on indefinite repeat." Hakkai’s grin was distinctly evil.

"Or the Song That Never Ends!" Goku chortled.

Gojyo fought his way out of the paper bag. "Or the Spice Girls!"

"Ahhh...."

"Erm, boss? I think we should run away.." another youkai suggested.

"Yeah, run away. Definitely run away..."

"Sheesh, these guys are dead cruel.."

"So it’s agreed?" Hakkai smiled, and nodded to Sanzo.

"Hmph." Sanzo shook his head and recalled the sutras.

"Aaaaaahhhh!!!" youkai tumbled out of the sky and hit the ground. And sprang up and ran for dear life. There were fading cries of : "Let’s get outta here!" "HURRY!"

"RUN!" "Not the Barney song! Nooooooo!!!"

In a rising cloud of dust, they vanished into the horizon.

"Well, that’s settled," Hakkai said.

Gojyo and Goku chose that moment to become un-chibified. There was another rush of air, a small cloud of white smoke, and two pops. Goku and Gojyo found themselves sitting on the ground and glaring at each other.

"Ph-ew." Gojyo passed a hand over his eyes. "This is such a relief."

"Yeah," Goku replied, flopping over onto his back. "And I’m starving..!"

"There’s still some cabbage left over from lunch," Hakkai observed.

"Eek!"

"With caterpillars, if you’re lucky," Sanzo said. "Adds to the flavor, really."

"ARGH! That totally ruined my appetite!"

"You don’t eat caterpillars? What a pity," Gojyo sighed.

Sanzo glanced at Hakkai. "You were right."

"Hm?"

"They were cuter as chibis."

***
To be completed?
***

Sf : Tell me honestly, do you have any clue when this is going to end?
Muse : Um.. no?
Sf : Well, then work on it! I’m running out of ideas!
Muse : *bleepity bleep*.

And so the crazy humor fic went on...

Muse : Like a Duracell bunny! It just keeps going on and on and on...

***

Back to index

Chapter 4: Part IV: Familiar Faces

Sf : *innocently* Moi? Being mean to Sanzo? Since when?
Muse : Erm... all the time?
Sf : ^^;;

And so the journey went on. Every now and then, they could hear something like a door slamming, raised voices, occasional strains of music (to whit - various Saiyuki songs, including the Requiem and OVA soundtracks), and the muted, but ever present sound of keys tapping.

It was all coming from above.

"Sanzo," Gojyo said eventually, after a not-so-fantastic dinner involving tofu and tofu and tofu. And 100% Natural Spring Water, with a little mud, gravel, and fish in it.

Sanzo glanced up.

"Can Muses be killed?"

"Saa na," Sanzo muttered. "No one's ever tried killing one. They can be abandoned by their owners, they can die for unknown reasons, leaving the characters hanging in the fanfic without hope of salvation.."

"Why do you ask?" Hakkai said.

"I was thinking.. if we killed that Muse, we wouldn't have a problem, right?"

"Um... you did hear what Sanzo said about characters being left hanging in the fan-fic without hope of salvation, didn't you?" Hakkai pointed out.

"So if we killed the Muse, we'd be stuck here forever?" Goku asked.

"Correct."

"Good thing you figured that out yourselves," the Muse said, sounding irritated. "It would be terrible if you had to find out the hard way. And just for that, I'm turning Hakuryuu into a horse, so you can walk the rest of the way. And squabble over who gets to ride."

"KYUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!" Hakuryuu protested.

"He's right," Hakkai said, coming to the dragon's defence. "He wasn't involved in this. There's no reason to take it out on him.."

"Really?" the Muse said. "Well, if he doesn't want to be a horse, he can stay as a dragon." There was tiny 'zing' sound.

"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu squeaked.

"What was all that about?" Goku asked.

"Thanks to our red-haired friend here, it means that we have to walk for the rest of the night to get out of this region," Sanzo said scathingly.

"Why?" Goku cried.

"Because Hakuryuu can't transform into a jeep any more," Hakkai said, smiling.

"Why not?"

"Stop asking so many questions," Sanzo sighed.

"Because.. Hakuryuu can only transform into a horse now.." Hakkai explained. "And he refuses to do that."

***

"Well, it worked, Hakuryuu-san."

"Thank you. This way, they'll have to carry me. Rather than vice-versa."

"I wish we had thought of this earlier..."

"Oh well. If they'd been on foot all day, they'd hardly have made any progress."

"True, true. Well, I'll be off."

"It's been a pleasure to work with you."

"You too..."

***

"Poor Hakuryuu," Goku said.

"Kyuu~.." Hakuryuu whimpered.

Sanzo glared at Gojyo and stood. "Iku-zo."

"But Saaaaaaanzo, I thought we could--"

"Since we can't drive, we'll have to start earlier, bakazaru," Sanzo growled.

So they...
Walked to the left
And they walked to the right
And they walked
And they walked
And they walked all night...

Sanzo clapped his hands over his ears and glared sky-ward. "You could at least leave the cheesy songs out of it!"

***

Sf : *poke* Muse, what now?
Muse : Umm.. etto..
Sf : *pours Hazelnut coffee into the Muse*
Muse : *ding*! Eureka! *lightbulb appears*
Sf : A new idea?
Muse : *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*Furious sounds of keys tapping*

***

"HALT!" a familiar voice called.

Standing on a cliff-side, silhouetted by the pale moon rising behind, his red-hair blowing in the most dramatic fashion, was Kougaiji. He sprang down the cliff, landing lightly at the bottom. "Genjo Sanzo! Surrender the Maten Kyomen!"

Sanzo sighed. "Goku.."

"But we can't fight!" Goku said.

"If you're not going to fight.." Kougajii leapt forward, fist extended..

Goku smiled.

Kougaiji's fist slammed into the invisible umbrella just over Goku's head. "Nani?!"

"Haven't you heard?" Hakkai said. "It's Happy Families' Day.."

"I didn't have time to read the papers this morning," Kougaiji said, looking confused.

"It can be summed up as : No violence, no rude, rowdy or immoral behavior. That includes demanding that someone give you something," the Muse said, appearing suddenly in its usual nimbus. "Geez, and I sent you a notice by post..."

"I'm sorry. Lirin stuffed all the mail into the paper shredder before we could get to it," Kougaiji said sourly. "But you said 'day'. This is night time."

"To be precise, it's evening. 7:00pm is not night fall. But when I said 'day', I meant the whole 24-hour day that ends at midnight," the Muse said.

"Sou ka."

The Sanzo-ikkou suddenly found their ears full of cotton wool, and they missed everything that Kougaiji said subsequently, which was :

"But Gyokumen ordered me to regain the sutras, and it would be terrible if I played the irresponsible and irreverent stepson and disobeyed her orders, wouldn't it? Terribly bad values, those.."

"I'm sorry," the Muse said to the Sanzo-ikkou when they finished fishing cotton wool out of their ears. "But I can't afford to let you guys, of all people, hear spoilers.."

"You mean there was a spoiler that we didn't get to hear?!" Goku said. "Kougaiji! What was it you--"

The Muse waved Goku to silence. Literally. Gojyo snickered as Goku's mouth opened and shut soundlessly, and Sanzo smirked. "You know.. I think that's an improvement," Gojyo ventured. "Say, Muse, could you leave him like that?"

The Muse ignored him, and addressed Kougaiji. "I agree. However, there are ways of achieving your goal other than through force. You haven't even attempted them."

Kougaiji sighed. "Very well."

"Good luck," the Muse replied. "I'll be on my way." And vanished, without fanfare.

Kougaiji and Sanzo exchanged looks.

There was silence for a bit.

Finally, Kougaiji cleared his throat uncertainly. "Well, Sanzo.. I have a problem."

"Tell me about it," Sanzo said drily. "What could possibly be worse than trying to get to Tenjiku on foot, accompanied by a bottomless pit disguised as a saru and every bit as annoying.."

"OY!" Goku shouted.

"And a guy who smiles when everything goes wrong, flaps his hands like a chicken and generally acts like a mother hen.."

"Um.." Hakkai smiled desperately.

"And a half-breed who spends all his time chasing skirts and otherwise adds to the annoyance that the aforemention saru poses.."

"SANZO!" Gojyo growled.

"I have an evil stepmother," Kougaiji replied.

"Ah. That's bad."

"Well, see, my evil stepmother's the one who wants the sutras. I'm not so concerned about them, myself, but I need her help to get my own mother out of a stone pillar. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the only way she'll help me is if I get the five sutras for her."

"ONE MOMENT!" the Muse cried, flying down from the sky.

"What?" everyone chorused.

The Muse grabbed a huge sticker and slapped it all over the fanfic. "There you go. Carry on.."

Goku peered at the sticker. "It says..

'Warning : Alternate Universe.
Damnit, Kougaji, why did you have to go and spill the beans? You know they don't know about your stepmother in the actual series..'

"Ah."

"So, you see, I need the Maten sutra.. I can probably return it to you once she's done with it. Along with the Seiten sutra," Kougaiji continued. "So, shall we say.. can I borrow it for a little while?"

Sanzo sighed and leaned against a tree. "The problem is, I need the sutras too. What with all the youkai that come after us.."

"If you lent us the sutra, I could stop sending youkai after you," Kougaiji offered.

"Except that it's not just your youkai that's the problem. It's every youkai whose listened to that stupid rumor about the flesh of Sanzos conferring immortality on the consumer."

"Oh? You mean it isn't true?"

"Quite definitely not."

"Oh.." Kougaiji looked crestfallen. "It's a very popular bedtime story in youkai circles. The youkai king and queen eat the flesh of a Sanzo and live happily ever after.."

"Another myth down the proverbial toilet bowl," Sanzo said wryly. "But that's one problem. The other problem is, if I let you have the sutras, Gyumaou will be resurrected, and then I'll have to deal with this crazy bull demon rampaging throughout the world. Not to mention that the Three Aspects will kick my ass and block my credit card..."

"Umm, yes, that is a minor side effect.."

They stared at each other for a little while.

"It's all my stepmother's fault," Kougaiji groaned.

"Agreed," Sanzo replied. "At least you don't have a mother-in-law yet."

"How do they deal with evil stepmothers in all those stories?" Hakkai asked.

"Throw water on them?" Goku suggested.

"That's evil witches, silly," Kougaiji replied. "Besides, that'll only make her mascara run."

"That might be detrimental in itself," Gojyo pointed out. "Women and their make-up, you know."

"You would know," Sanzo muttered.

"Yes, but not permanently damaging," Kougaiji said.

"Pop her into an oven?" Goku said.

"The oven would go first," Kougaiji replied.

"Oh? Is she that hot?" Gojyo smirked. "Boy, that's one--"

"No, she is not. She's that cold," Kougaiji said. "And no, you don't want to meet her."

"Ah, too bad," Gojyo sighed.

"Hm. Normally, they marry one of the daughters off to some powerful prince, who banishes the evil stepmother to the edge of the kingdom," Hakkai said thoughtfully. "You do have a sister, don't you?"

"A half-sister. But it'll suffice. But, married to.. who?"

For some reason, all eyes turned to Sanzo.

"Most.. certainly.. NOT!" Sanzo snarled.

"I wouldn't want you as an in-law either," Kougaiji muttered.

"Besides, the stepmother's the powerful one here.. concubine to a youkai king and all that," Hakkai sighed.

There was silence for a bit.

"Ummm.. could I make a copy of your sutra, then?" Kougaiji ventured.

"Haven't you heard of the Copyright Act?" Sanzo pointed at a corner of the sutra.

"Don't they mean 'Legal' action?" Kougaiji asked.

"They mean lethal. Usually involves lightning bolts. Why do you think we haven't made copies of the sutras already?"

"I should have known.."

"Tell you what," Sanzo sighed. "I'll make a fake copy of the sutra for you. Then you can bring it home, your stepmother will be happy, you won't need to bug us, and all will be well."

"Until you arrive in Tenjiku to stop the Resurrection."

"It's a long way to Tenjiku. If we know that the Resurrection isn't going to take place any time soon, we're hardly about to hurry, right?"

"True, true. I'll pop home and get paper. I'll hardly be a minute," Kougaiji replied, vanishing.

"Is this where we run away?" Goku asked.

"No," Sanzo replied, going through all the motions of lighting up.. with a stick of gum instead of a cigarette. "This is where we wait."

So they waited.

And waited.

Eventually, almost ten minutes later, Kougaiji popped back onto the cliff. And leapt down.

"Why can't you just reappear here directly?" Gojyo asked. "Instead of going through that cliff nonsense.."

"I'm sorry. It's easier to aim for high places," Kougaiji scowled. "Than jump into a low-lying region and smash your face into the cliff instead.."

"Did you get the paper?" Sanzo asked, pulling out a brush and a green Zebra marker. (Don't ask where the green marker came from. I don't know.)

"I couldn't find anything that came in long sheets, except.." Kougaiji pulled out a roll of toilet paper and grinned sheepishly.

"Ahhhhh, that'll do. It's been done before," Sanzo sighed. "Hakkai, you fill in the border. I'll handle the content."

"What are you going to write?" Kougaiji asked.

Sanzo gestured at his own sutras. "A pair of wavy lines down the length of it," he replied.

"That's all?"

"Yup, that's all." Sanzo swiped the brush down the paper.

"Ano.. Sanzo, you tore it."

"Blast. Don't you youkai have any decent toilet paper?!" Sanzo pulled out a fresh wad and started again.

"Ever considered going into abstract art?" Kougaiji inquired, as Sanzo put the finishing touches on his masterpiece.

"The monks don't go for that. They prefer a lot of impressive sounding words strung together in something that vaguely resembles poetry. It doesn't have to make sense, as long as it has the right rhythm and rhymes."

"Ah, you humans.."

"Chinese poetry for you, I'm afraid," Sanzo nodded, tearing off the end of the fake sutra. "There you go. Be careful with it. It tears easily."

"Thank you. How can I repay you?"

"Stop sending all those *bleeping* youkai after us. And buy me a drink the next time we meet. Or several," Sanzo said without a pause. "And keep Lirin away from me."

"As good as done," Kougaiji nodded. "Till the next time we meet, gentlemen." He blurred out and vanished.

"*bleep*! Why can't we do that?" Gojyo demanded.

"Because it would take all the fun out of it," Hakkai replied. "Well, minna, we still have to reach the finishing line.."

Gojyo and Goku groaned. Sanzo broke out the Very-Evil-Smile...

So they...
Walked to the left
And they walked to the right
And they walked
And they walked
And they walked all night...

***
To be completed. Soon.
***

Sf : Ano...
Is that an Epilogue I see before me,
The words towards my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? Or art thou but
An Epilogue of the mind, a false creation
Proceeding from the Caffiene-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I write.

Back to index

Chapter 5: Part V: Epilogue

They came at last to a great bridge.

(Naturally, there was a great river to go with it, but that goes without saying.)

Above the great bridge rose a great arch, the greatness of which cannot be expressed in mere words. Atop the great arch were great lightning conductors.

And there was a great banner, proclaiming thus :

EXIT.
Thank you for visiting Fantasy Land.
We hope you had fun.
Did you leave anything behind?

Sanzo's eyebrow twitched. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get out of this damn area."

"A moment, Sanzo," Hakkai said, calling his attention to a booth by the side of the bridge. A sign read : Lost and Found.

The booth was unmanned, but there were a variety of objects on the countertop. Goku sighted something and rushed over. "Nyoibou! And here's yours --" he tossed the shaku jou to Gojyo. "And Sanzo--" he grabbed the Smith and Wesson, and hit the trigger in the process.

When the sound of the gunshot had faded, the rest cautiously began searching for bullet holes.

"Heheh... sorry," Goku grinned. "I didn't know the safety was off."

"Hmph." Sanzo snatched the gun from him.

"Well, if that's all, shall we go?" Hakkai asked hurriedly.

"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu protested.

"Oh... this must be your Jeep form," Hakkai said, picking up a cake in the shape of a Jeep.

"Kyuu!" the acknowledgement came, and the dragon leaned over his shoulder to gobble the morsel.

"Hey! How come he gets food and we don't?!" Goku said, miffed. "I want food! I bet there's food around here! I can smell it! I can smell---"

All four froze.

"Ah, I see you've arrived," a remarkably familiar voice proclaimed from somewhere behind.

"--Hazelnut coffee..." Goku finished lamely, as the Muse stepped into view.

"Well, did you have fun?" the Muse inquired.

"No. Get out of our sight," Sanzo snapped.

"In short order, you will be leaving these lands," the Muse said, ignoring him. "Whereupon, you will, likely return to your old habits. That is indeed a pity."

"I don't what the pity's about," Gojyo muttered.

"By eating healthily and walking all day... assuming an average pace of 5.5 kilometers per hour, possibly 6, considering the amount of food consumed and your respective body weights and hence metabolisms, you should have lost between half a pound to one pound each. I... no, sf could show you the calculations, if you wish."

The Sanzo-ikkou looked at each other.

"Um..."
"Ah..."
"But..."
"...we're all far too skinny for our own good, don't you think so?" Hakkai concluded, with a shaky laugh.

Somewhere in the background, various fangurls could be heard screaming : Yeah! But skinny is good!

Somewhere else in the background, various youkai could be heard screaming : Yeah, that priest needs more meat on him! There's not enough for all of us! [1]

"And, by abstinence from smoking and drinking," the Muse plowed on, "Sanzo and Gojyo have extended their lifespan by about six months each, and Hakkai and Goku, as second hand smokers, by about the same."

The Sanzo-ikkou looked at each other.

"Um..."
"Ah..."
"But..."
"...we're all going to be killed by various fanfic authors or the mangaka before we reach thirty," Sanzo stated.

"Actually, the lack of smoke was a welcomed change," Hakkai muttered.

"I second that," Goku told him.

"By not killing any youkai, you've travelled a whole day without coming any closer to the one thousand youkai ceiling."

"Um..."
"Ah..."
"But..."
"...three of us are youkai, and Sanzo is usually out of the spray radius, anyway," Gojyo countered.

"You guys are hopeless. Very well. Good luck in your future endeavours -- Sanzo, please check your food carefully in following fanfics. sf is in the mood for poisons."

"Thanks for the warning," Sanzo said dryly. "Let's go."

So they clambered into Hakuryuu, who had obligingly returned to Jeep form. The dragon was secretely pleased at the day's events -- having the humans trot on their own two feet for a change, and a whole slice of cake to himself at the end.

"Well... it was an odd day," Goku said, leaning back and sinking into the cushioned seats.

"I'm glad it's over," Gojyo replied.

"There shouldn't be any further delay," Hakkai nodded, the smile back on his face. "We should be able to see the 'Driving happily off into the sunrise' line soon."

"Don't be too sure of that," Sanzo said, sitting up. A shimmering, cloaked figure had appeared before them, blocking the bridge.

Jeep trundled to a halt. The figure held out a hand. "Toll, please."

"What?" Gojyo sprang up. "Isn't toll for getting into places? Not getting out of it?"

"The toll is for the use of the bridge," came the reply. "In any case, you would be happier to leave this place than to enter it. The price will be a hundred dollars."

Wordlessly, Sanzo held out the Gold Card.

"Cash only, I'm afraid," the figure stated.

"But.. we don't have that much cash on hand," Hakkai said nervously.

"Goods are substitutable for money."

"What are you, anyway?" Goku asked.

"I am a Muse."

"You're amused? I asked you who you were!"

"A Muse."

"I know you're amused! I don't care! Tell me who or what you are before I beat the crap out of you!"

Gojyo smacked a hand against his forehead. "It's a Muse. You know, like the other one that reeks of Hazelnut coffee? You're so dumb that we ought to leave you behind."

"Who says I'm dumb?" Goku growled, clenching fists.

"I just did, dumb saru. Hey, Sanzo, do you think the monkey will cover the toll?"

"You probably will, ero-kappa!"

"Then again, who wants a stupid monkey, anyway? It's worthless." He intercepted the punch that Goku flung at him.

"You're more worthless than I am! You're even more stupid, for one!" Goku lashed out with a foot, causing the whole Jeep to shake.

Gojyo sprung over to the other end of the Jeep, sticking out his tongue. "Stupid saru... can't even hit me..."

"Wait and see!"

"SHUT UP!" Sanzo yelled. He spun, the fan in one hand and the gun in the other. "Or I'm leaving you both as payment, and even then you wouldn't cover the cost!"

"Sanzo--" Hakkai started.

"Excuse me. Sanzo-sama, those bullets of yours..."

Sanzo turned to face the Muse. "What?"

"Made of crystal, if I remember correctly. Specially blessed to exorcise the weaker youkai with a single hit."

"What about it?" Sanzo asked cautiously.

"They might be worth a lot."

The next five minutes were spent counting bullets, as Sanzo emptied his sleeves out.

"Five hundred and one... five hundred and two..."
"Seven hundred and fifty three..."
"Oops, I lost count at eight hundred and nine."
"Idiot!"

"One thousand exactly," the Muse noted, nodding sagely. "At the exchange rate of ten cents per bullet, one hundred dollars exactly."

Sanzo shot it a glare. "Ten cents per bullet?"

"Or less, perhaps? Some of these are of poorer quality... blemished and cracked crystals. And, oh dear, oh dear, so many have not been blessed properly..."

"One thousand bullets it is," Hakkai said loudly, pushing the pile towards the Muse. "May we pass?"

"One issue," came the patient reply. "The carrying of weapons exceeding a meter in length is forbidden in the country beyond."

"But you allow guns," Sanzo rolled his eyes.

"An old rule, you understand. Of course, without bullets, your gun may be considered a decorative piece for a moment."

"Decorative piece." The words practically dripped with sarcasm.

"sf informs me that you may call it 'Phallic Symbol', if you so prefer. Regardless of its handle, I am more concerned with those that your companions bear. They look suspiciously like weapons. One would be forced to confiscate them if they were."

"I thought it was the region that we just left that had the issue with weapons!" Gojyo said.

"Yonder region is not my concern. Nevertheless, it's problem was not with weapons per see, but the act of violence. The lands which you are about to enter have different, but equally strict laws. So declare it now -- are those weapons you bear?"

There was an opening in that, slender enough to admit a light beam and not much more, but Hakkai caught onto it anyway.

"These? No no, these are props," he said hurriedly. "We're ... uh... travelling performers!"

The Muse seemed.... amused. "Travelling performers, you say?"

"Yeah! Travelling performers!" Goku said. "My speciality's the baton -- look!"

And they were promptly treated to a display of highly impressive Nyoibou-twirling. The ends formed a gold circle as they spun between Goku's fingers, contrasted by the red center. When Goku flung the 'baton' into the air and caught it with his feet in a flourish, Hakkai and the Muse clapped politely. Sanzo was smoking, his hand conveniently hiding the slight, humored smile at the corner of his mouth. Gojyo was laughing his head off.

"Very impressive. And your fiery headed companion?" the Muse inquired. "If I am not mistaken, that is a blade at its end."

"Fiery headed--" Gojyo choked. "Why, you--"

"Cultural dance," Hakkai cut in smoothly. "The ancient art of Wushu [2], adapted. Behold!" And he summoned a ki ball as a spotlight."

[2] Wushu -- The "art of fighting". An aesthetically appeasing display of fighting skills, usually utilizing a weapon (or a variety thereof).

What happened next cannot be described adequately without visual animation. But priviledged spectators were known to comment during, or afterwards :

"He looks good, with his hair flying like that."

"Ne, why is his face so red?"
"Saa, but it matches his eyes."

"He needs a flappy robe for full effect."
"Hm. Robe... Sanzo--"
"Finish that sentence and you die."

The Toll Bridge Muse's report to the Fanfic Author was said to include words such as 'Sharp pointy objects', 'Phallic Symbols' and 'Suggestive Gestures'.

When Gojyo demanded to know the source of all the sniggering thereafter, the other three went curiously vague on the issue.

At last, however, the Muse pronounced itself convinced of the non-lethal nature of their travelling group. All four piled themselves hurriedly into the Jeep and promptly "Went racing off in search of adventure".

***

"Where is the Empress?" Kougaiji asked of a passing servant.

"Busy, my lord. She left orders not to be disturbed under any circumstances."

"And Nii-hakase?"

"I don't know where he is, Kougaiji-sama. He doesn't seem to be in his usual haunts."

"Well well," Kougaiji mused, as the servant bowed and scuttled away. "Nii Jieni and Gyokumen. Who would have thought of it?"

"You know the saying, Kougaiji-sama," Yaone piped up from behind. "Make love, not war."

Kougaiji chuckled softly, staring at the fake sutra in his hands. "We seem to be doing that, don't we? At least this gives us enough time to think of a suitable excuse for the sutra..." He paused. Somewhere at the edge of his hearing was the faint tap of keyboard keys, and what could have been a voice.

Unable to make sense of the dialogue, he shrugged, and proceeded on his way. For the immediate future, the peace seemed set to last.

And somewhere, on the load road between Togenkyo and Tenjiku, a Jeep trundled merrily along, and the sun rose on a new day.

Hakkai : "The End" ahoy!
Gojyo : Thank goodness.
Sanzo : About time.
Goku : Neeeeeee, can we eat now? I haven't eaten for more than half the fanfic!

--

Afterword :

Yessssss! My first lengthy fic in which Sanzo isn't seriously mauled! He isn't even scratched! Yatta!

Reverse Psychology's successor, as the next middle-length-not-crappy-humor-fic, is the Saiyuki/Hellsing crossover : A Season in Hell. No relation exists between the two, except for their nature.

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