And Then There Were Five by Elvaron

Index

Chapter 1: The First Days
Chapter 2: The Next Few Days
Chapter 3: Interlude from the Past 1
Chapter 4: Interlude from the Past 2

Chapter 1: The First Days

......A/N :

One day, whilst searching for the elusive cure for writer's block, I chanced across a strange and ancient box. Ignoring the words inscribed upon it ("Pandora's Box. Please do not open."), I proceed to rifle its contents extensively. Imagine my surprise when not gold nor silver (nor mithril, damn!) twas revealed, but a treasure of far greater worth -- knowledge.

Yea, they say that knowledge is a double edged sword that cutteth both ways...

And Then There Were Five

Transcribed from ancient writings in the two-thousand and fourth year of the sun by sf.

Be warned : Much swearing ahead.

Three Aspect's Journal

Day 1

We are most disturbed. We distinctly remember relaying Kanzeon Bosatsu's orders to Genjo Sanzo, bidding him to take his three companions : Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai, to the West to stop the resurrection of Gyuumao. We distinctly remember relaying those orders correctly. Yet Our words were somehow corrupted in the process.

Genjo Sanzo now has four companions. We know not whence this newcomer came from, nor what connection She has the others, yet We must have ordered her to join the group, for She has.

Funnily enough, We cannot remember who gave the order. Lead Head blames Female Head Number One, who blames Head With Eyes Wide Shut, who has placed the blame on Lead Head in turn. We had the most disagreeable day, and are most upset.

And no matter what Kanzeon Bosatsu thinks, We do not have a split personality!

--

Cho Hakkai's Journal

Day 1

This is most odd. Gojyo and I felt that there was something amiss and set out to look for Sanzo and Goku. We found them surrounded by youkai, and were about to intervene when She (I can't seem to remember her name. It seems to change every five seconds or so... or my memory's going) turned up. I swear, She cast a look at the youkai and they died instantly. Just like that!

--

Day 1

This is turning out to be an extremely bad day. "The Seiten Sutra is in the West", they say, "And by the way, someone's trying to use it to resurrect Gyuumao. Go stop them, that's a good boy. And bring those three -- those four -- with you."

Four? The Hell? I could've sworn this morning that there were only three people in the world whose company I can stand for more than a minute at a time (although with Gojyo, one minute's pushing it. Really pushing it.)

Then when we were nicely surrounded by all these youkai and I was just itching to blast them into the next dynasty, someone turns up and steals the show by killing all of them. With a look.

But that's not the end of it.

This someone then proceeds to faint, neatly, into my arms. She managed to gravitate some five meters from where she'd been standing in the process. Neat trick. Bloody annoying and inconvenient trick.

Since then, I've been having the most head-splitting brain-throbbing skull-pounding headache. But that's nothing compared to the sudden spate of flashbacks I've been having. I never knew I'd forgotten so much of my bloody life. I must have met this bitch several million times before and somehow forgotten it. But one thing I can't get clear in my head is exactly how I got to know her or even who she is. One moment I swore she was the sixth Sanzo with The Sutra of Doom, the next she was some sort of person I knew in Heaven, or I met her somewhere, or something.

Screw this all for a bloody lark. I need a drink. Three. Ten f-ing thousand.

--

Son Goku's Journal

Day 2

We met this strange girl yesterday -- she seems to know Sanzo. Well, she says she does, and she fainted on him anyway. I don't know what to make of her, though. Something about her's not too right, and she's got the weirdest personality. One moment she's acting tough and quarreling with me and stealing my food, the next she's all sweet and whatnot and she's giving me back the food... and when Sanzo tried to hit me with his harisen, she stood up and gave him a lecture. His eyes kinda went unfocused at that point and he stumbled out of the restaurant. Hope he's okay.

--

Sha Gojyo's Journal

Day 2

You know, I can't decide whether that chick is ... well, a chick or not. She's gorgeous and all that, but I wish her hair and eyes would stay the same color for thirty seconds at a stretch. And really, silver hair and purple eyes? Or blue hair and orange eyes?

--

Genjo Sanzo's Journal

Day 3

Bloody hell! There isn't space for 5 people in the Jeep!

--

Kanzeon Bosatsu's Journal

Day 5

Stranger and stranger. This strange girl claims to have been a god in her past life -- when she's not claiming to be an elemental born of air -- but I can swear that she's never been anywhere near Heaven. Especially not since her idea of Heaven seems to involve pink flurry clouds, halos and a lot of harps. Oh, and trumpets.

Still, it promises to be at least vaguely entertaining.

--

Genjo Sanzo's Journal

Day 5

I don't get it. One moment she's simpering over me, and the next she's as cold as an iceberg and hates my guts. Strangely, I don't seem to mind. The headache's been getting worse, though, as if my brains are turning to mush in my head.

I seem to have lost my cigarettes.

--

Cho Hakkai's Journal

Day 6

She did it again. Eliminated a whole army of youkai before swooning dead away into .. well, it was my arms this time. There was a cut across her face that I don't recall her getting. It was the most aesthetically pleasing wound I've ever seen in my life, although wounds are generally not so neat, especially when inflicted by youkai claws or flying projectiles.

--

Sha Gojyo's Journal

Day 7

So. We walked our bloody feet off today, and the Saru was supposed to carry the bag, but Someone felt sorry for him, and taught him how to play Rock-Paper-Scissors. Not funny, Miss Green Hair and Pink Eyes. Not funny at all. So guess who wound up with the bag. Oh yes, because Miss Golden Hair and Green Eyes can't carry the bag. No, not at all.

I'm starting to wonder just why she's along for this jaunt. I thought she just sort of fell in with us -- or fell on Sanzo, rather, and suddenly she's part of this Great Big Quest thing. Wonder why Sanzo puts up with her, anyway. Although our Sanzo-sama's been acting strange recently. He goes all twitchy around her.

--

Cho Hakkai's Journal

Day 7

I didn't know that there was a way to play mahjong with five people. I'm also starting to regret suggesting the game. I thought that I was a decent player... and Sanzo's pretty good too, but She's been winning every single round.

Sanzo has stopped smoking. So has Gojyo.

--

Genjo Sanzo's Journal

Day 7

Must be the incense smoke. I swear She made sense when giving Yo that whole morality talk thing. Now he's begging her to teach him mahjong.

Oh yes. I didn't know that She had a sutra until She used it on that youkai. Just in the nick of time to save Yo too. And then she fainted. On me. Again.

--

Son Goku's Journal

Day 10

We met this Rikudou chap. Turns out he was an old acquaintance of Sanzo's. So is She, or at least, that's when she's not Hakkai's long-lost friend from his monastry. Or Gojyo's half sister. Anyway, Rikudou stabbed Sanzo, and I kinda lost it ... well, didn't lose it so much as break it -- my limiter, that is. Not sure what happened after that. A lot of blood. Was tired and fell asleep, and woke up in my own bed.

--

Sha Gojyo's Journal

Day 10

I must remember to give the bakazaru a kick in the rear for that nasty bite he gave me. I don't know what got into the kid. He went totally nuts and the limiter just shattered. He took Rikudou down, and I thought the bastard had it in for him, until he pulled some disappearing act. Then it was just us and the crazy monkey.

And damn, was he crazy. He took a chunk out of my arm before She deigned to lift a finger to restore the limiter. Then she turned around and healed Sanzo with a kiss.

Kanzeon turned up a few seconds later, looking pissed.

--

TBC

Back to index

Chapter 2: The Next Few Days

Me? Write this? Bash Mary Sues? You must be joking. I am merely fulfilling my function of transcribing the ancient texts... *innocent look*

(Shimizu-san: Wow, you’re quick on the uptake. I’d forgotten the author’s name myself, and mostly remembered the fic as That-Thing-That-I-Read-Sometime-Back. But yes, that was the inspiration. So much for originalty ;)

Oh, and I decided that I needn’t translate the almighty Sanzo-sama’s swearing word for word. You get the idea, anyway.

(Oh, and ‘too much’ is, I believe, a distinguishing characteristic of a Mary Sue from an original female character -- in other words, a Mary Sue is, by definition, a bombastic character. Or a self-insert. *shudders*) 

Jiipu’s Journal
Day 11

I am much confused.
(Unusual, for a dragon)
All because of Her.

Now she keeps bouncing
Up and down upon the seat,
To Hakkai’s distress

And Sanzo’s fury;
Then She changes suddenly:
Calm serenity;

The wall that would stand
Betwixt Gojyo and Goku --
Bar them from fighting,

Work a miracle,
Pacify them with a glance;
And meaningless words

Falling from her lips
Like pink sakura petals
During a death scene.

I am so confused.

--

Sanzo’s Journal
Day 11

I woke up. Then I tried to leave the room. Turns out that a very annoying someone was seated behind the door, planted there by two people who were reportedly concerned about my getting out of bed too soon.

You guessed it. It was Her.

I’m not exactly sure what she said, but it all seemed to make sense at the time, and the next moment I’d gone straight back to bed. (I blame it all on the blood loss. I couldn’t have been thinking clearly after losing so much blood. After all, She couldn’t have been that persuasive...)

When She came back several hours later, She said that She’d killed Rikudou. And She promptly burst into tears and flung herself against me.

May I remind you that having someone barrel headlong into a freshly inflicted stab wound isn’t the most enjoyable thing in the world?! Anyway, Gojyo hauled Her off to have one of those long soul-baring-heart-searching Talks.

Then the weirdest thing happened. She turned it around and suddenly, She’s comforting Gojyo about his tragic past. And then Gojyo’s bursting into tears and She’s promising to be his surrogate mother.

The *bleep*?!!!

--

Hakkai’s Journal
Day 12

It’s raining. Ritsuketenuminasre-san (well, that was her name the last time I checked), disappeared into Sanzo’s room the moment we checked in.

...I hope Sanzo’s ok.

--

Sanzo’s Journal
Day 12 (Evening)

Let me get this straight. Li-chan (she insists that her name is Li-chan, and doesn’t seem to understand when people call her Li or Li-san...) is a half youkai, half human, half dragon who was born from a coral in the Western Sea 500 years ago. Her father, the Dragon King of the Northern Sea, forced her to marry Gyuumao. Rather than partake in a loveless marriage, she ran away from home with her true love -- whose name she never divulged. Her True Wuv was killed by Gyuumao’s youkai (and hence she hates him forever), and she cried so much that Kanzeon took pity on her and brought her to heaven.

...I highly doubt the shitty bitch could take pity on anyone, let alone drag them back to Heaven with her, but never mind.

So she resided in Heaven for a few years, whereupon she was sent to seal Gyuumao where Nataku failed. She unleashed her destructive powers, but it was such a strain on her that she fell into a swoon until the present day.

...Whatever.

--

Sanzo’s Journal
Day 12 (Later)

Ooo. Pink fluffy bunnies. Cute pink fluffy bunnies clutching little red hearts...

--

Gojyo’s Journal
Day 13

I just noticed that She has a very nice smile, and red hair and red eyes. She’s also the only one who’s truly sympathetic to the plight of us poor, put upon half breeds.

I’m so grateful that Sanzo stopped rushing along on this crazy, useless mission and decided to spend the whole weekend at an inn. I have no idea when or why the monk adopted his new Take-It-Easy-d00d! attitude. I don’t give a damn. It gives me time to put my plans into action.

--

Hakkai’s Journal
Day 13

They say that gingko nuts are good for maintaining and restoring memory. Since Sanzo has forgotten entirely about the mission and holed up in the inn for the weekend (possibly the week. The month. Or the year), I’ve resolved to take Jiipu and Goku and go hunting for gingko nuts. Gives me a good excuse to get out of this mad house.

--

Hakkai’s Journal
Day 13 (Later)

Goku is making puppy eyes at Adnileb. He says that she’s a magnificant cook. Can’t write more -- Jiipu is tugging on my sleeve with all his might. He says that Eus Yarm is on her way.

--

Hakkai’s Journal
Day 15

I’ve arrived back, and just in time, too. It seems that Uwakionna has poisoned everyone’s minds. They’re all worshipping the ground she walks on. I can only hope that the medicines and the Clue Hammer of DOOM I brought back will work.

It’s interesting to note how she keeps flirting with Gojyo or Sanzo, then pretending that she’s innocent and virginal and ‘Of course I couldn’t sleep with you, I’m only 15!’

Jiipu is quite traumatized. Poor thing.

--

[Translator’s note:

Uwakionna: Bimbo, slut. (jap).
Sorry >)]

--

Sanzo’s journal
Day 16

I have a /massive/ headache. I don’t remember what happened over the weekend. Tarashinaihito is locked in her room, crying her eyes out. I keep having these strange feelings of sympathy. For some reason, she’s avoiding Hakkai. It must be that massive hammer he’s been lugging around, and the unusually grim expression on his face.

It’s extremely unnerving to see Hakkai so angry. It’s almost as if he’s regressed back to being Cho Gonou and the gods know I don’t want to go through that whole farce again. That’s it. We’re leaving first thing in the morning, and we’re leaving Her behind!

--

[Translator’s note:
Tarashinaihito : Slutty person]

--

Goku’s Journal
Day 16

Sanzo wants to leave early tomorrow and he wants to leave Jajauma-chan behind! Gojyo says he must have a stick up his ass, or she refused him or something. How could Sanzo be so meaaaaaaannnnn?

--

[Translator’s note:
Jajauma -- Bitch, shrew, unmanageable woman]

--

Hakkai’s Journal
Day 16

Goku is regressing back to childhood. I fear that the Clue Hammer of DOOM only restores good sense, but not personalities.

--

Gojyo’s Journal
Day 16

I’m fed to the teeth with the shitty monk.

Now he’s proposing to leave Saseko behind. Bastard is citing his whole non-attachment bullshit again. I tried to steal that big hammer that Hakkai’s been carrying, but he shot me an angry glare and locked himself in his room.

What’s up with everyone? And Goku’s acting more brattish than usual, although I do agree with him that we couldn’t possibly leave Saseko behind. Give me a week or so and I’ll convince her to stop lusting after the shitty monk and look at me, babe.

--

[Translator’s note:
Saseko -- Whore.]

--

Hakkai’s Journal
Day 17

Sanzo had a good plan. We bashed Goku and Gojyo over the heads with the Clue Hammer of DOOM several times, and while they were unconscious, loaded everyone up into the Jeep and fled the scene at daybreak.

I feel wonderful for the first time in ages. I can think more clearly. It’s remarkably peaceful, here by this river, eating lunch out of a bento. Goku and Gojyo have returned to quarreling over food, and Sanzo is reading the paper. Life is back to normal, and we’re on our way.

There’s a small dark thundercloud on the horizon, and it’s approaching quickly. I do hope -- oh. Oh no. Oh no.

--

Jiipu’s Journal
Day 17

*squeak of terror*
*alarm. dismay. panic. fright.*
*hides behind Hakkai*

--

Sanzo’s journal
Day 17

I don’t believe this. Kuruoshiihito ran all the way from the last town and caught up with a Jeep being floored at 80 miles / hour across arid terrain. Now she’s whimpering in Gojyo’s arms and giving me dirty looks. I would be having very bad vibes about this, except that I simply feel sick.

Note to self: Check up demon species in Chou’An library when we get back. See what kind of demon has two inch long lacquered neon pink fingernails and purple lipstic, silver hair and orange eyes, and is half human, half goddess and half unicorn.

--

[Translator’s note:
Kuruoshiihito -- Crazy person]

--

Sanzo’s Journal
Day 17 (Later)

She’s forgiven me! My beloved has forgiven me! I’m so relieved that I could almost smile. She _completely_ understood all the stress I’ve been under since Shuuei’s death, and said that it was perfectly natural that I try to be aloof and non-attached considering my tragic past.

I’ve never felt so understood before!!!

Back to index

Chapter 3: Interlude from the Past 1

And out of sheer perversity, I reopened Pandora’s box. And lo! There was another manuscript, previously unspotted. And being Bored, I did break from work on The Journal to transcribe it. It is a little known tale of a period of great terror and fear, that did appear to take place half a millenia before The Journal. *cue gasp of awed wonder*

"Konzen! Konzen-Konzen-KONZEN!"

The great halls of Heaven echoed with the panicked cries of one youngster who was currently doing a good imitation of a speeding comet... completely with wet and muddy trail. "KONZEN!!!"

Doors opened in his wake, as curious onlookers ... looked on.

"Konzen!!! Where are you?!!"

One door in the corridor slammed open, and as the child rushed by, a hand shot out and grabbed him by the collar.

"Yikes!" Goku screeched, as he was lifted bodily into the air and dragged into the room. The door slammed hurriedly behind him, and there was the sound of a dozen locks clicking and no fewer than three heavy bars being lowered into place.

"KONZEN!!!" Goku yelled, kicking wildly. "Lemme go! I need to find Konzen!"

"Shush," a voice said, and a meatbun was shoved into his mouth. The cries promptly went silent.

"Phew." A man in the uniform of the Western Army turned from the door, and turned back to face the other two occupents of the room. One, a young boy, no older than ten, was currently eating his way through Mount Meatbuns. Heavy chains around his wrists and ankles clanged as he munched, apparently providing no impediment to his motion whatsoever.

The other was dressed in a predominantly off-white labcoat. Light glinted off his spectacles as he looked up. "That was a close call, Kenren."

"They weren’t too far behind. Think you can keep this one quiet?"

"I wonder," the other said contemplatively, glancing at the pile of rapidly diminishing meatbuns. "Perhaps if you could retrieve a few volumes of Super Manjuu-man from the next room..."

The one named Kenren snorted and flung his hands into the air. "Find anything in that mess? Shall I retrieve the moon for you while I’m at it?"

"I have no use for the Moon. Alternatively, you could brave the corridors in an attempt to find Konzen."

There was a long pause.

"Tough one," Kenren said at last. "But I think I’d rather brave your mess." With the air of a man about to die, he steeled himself and stepped into the next room.

Goku looked up from the meatbun he was massacring. "But Ten-chan, we need to find Konzen! He needs to be warned!"

"No doubt he will find out about it in his own time," Tenpou replied soothingly. "Once the coast is clear, Ken-niichan and I will depart in search of him." Like any good commanding officer, Tenpou was remarkably skilled in the art of lying through his teeth.

"But...." Goku’s reply was cut off as Tenpou shoved another meatbun into his mouth and motioned him to be silent. In the next room, Kenren looked up at sharply and dived for cover behind Tenpou’s sofas. There was a muffled scream as several shelves worth of books fell on him.

The room darkened perceptibly as the lights dimmed, flickered, and went out. The air turned cold and a ghastly silence draped itself around the room and yawned lazily.

They waited in tense anticipation. Goku’s eyes were as wide as flying saucers. Tenpou’s were narrowed to mere slits. Kenren’s, if they were visible under the pile, were squeezed shut in pain.

They waited some more.

Goku sneezed.

The ghastly silence awoke with a start, and morphed into a caterwaul that started from the far end of the corridor and came hurtling down towards them. The sonic boom crashed into the windows, causing them to burst asunder. Tenpou looked upon the breach in horror, as what seemed like a million elephants came stomping down the corridor, trumpeting as they went.

His shock cost him, as he was too late to hide from the prying eyes glared in through what had previously been a one-way window. Red beady eyes fixed on him and Goku, and a cry went up, a jubilant screech that turned his spine to ice. More cries answered, like a billion fingernails being scratched across a blackboard.

"Taishou, it seems as if we have to make a heroic last stand," Tenpou said, pushing Goku aside and reaching for his sword. He sighed as he drew and spun it, stretching arm muscles and testing it’s balance, then settled his hands on its familiar grip as he turned to face the assault.

And the fell creatures poured through the broken windows and descended upon them.

*

Konzen was in a frenzy. The news that Heaven was under assault had reached him when his young charge was out visiting Nataku. Now said charge was no where in sight, and in the chaos that was the evacuation of Heaven, no one seemed to know where he was.

Konzen fought his way through the crowd with grim determination, plowing his way against the tide going the other way. He had a sinking feeling that he knew exactly where Goku was, that was right smack bang in the middle of trouble. The thought of abandoning the child to his own devices and fleeing for his life and his immortal soul flashed through his mind, but he pushed it aside. Not even Litouten deserved to be left to these foul creatures.

The corridors were empty of people now, and the acrid stench that hung in the air told him that he was near his goal. Trying not to faint from the miasma, he crept forward as steathily as a 2m figure wearing white and gold and high heels could.

At least he wasn’t wearing the purple outfit today.

To his amazement, next corridor was empty. He’d expected to find them here, crowding around a certain doorway. They had certainly been here, but ... perhaps they had passed on. Perhaps Goku had made it to safety after all.

He stepped forward and opened the door.

And the Fangurls pounced.

*

"Hello Konzen," a chirpy voice said, as the blackness slowly gave way. Shaking his head to dispel the bright stars still exploding in his vision, Konzen looked up. And gaped. And promptly shut his eyes again. "Marshall," he ground out, "Could you and Kenren Taishou please put on some clothes?"

"I’m afraid that our current state of undress is not ... exactly... of our own choice. Apparently, these creatures have a thing for voyeurism."

"When they’re not trying to bed us, that is!!!" Kenren’s irate voice sounded.

"You have nothing to complain about," Tenpou said icily.

There was a screech of "Tenpou Gensui!!!!!!!!!!!!!", a cry of horror from the typically imperturbable Marshall of the Western Armies, and a thud. Konzen risked cracking an eye open to see a monstrosity of electric pink hair and neon green attire dragging Tenpou away by one heel. The Marshall looked absolutely terrified.

"They’ve been at this for hours," Kenren moaned. "Apparently they believe that we have limitless stamina..."

"Did you fight back?" Konzen growled, massaging his aching head.

Kenren eyeballed him. "The combined armies of Heaven couldn’t take on this lot. One of them turned Tenpou’s sword to butter with a look, and I got knocked out by their foul stench even before I got within striking distance. Anyway, I was already blinded by all the glitter."

Another creature swept in, preceded by the overpowering smell of what might have been flowers in another universe. Konzen gagged and promptly passed out.

*

When he came to, Kenren was gone, but Tenpou was back, and huddling in a corner. "Big green things," Tenpou babbled, "Shiny pretty green things...."

"Where’s Goku?" Konzen asked sharply, recalling his original mission.

Tenpou gave him a sad look. "I know not. They took him away."

Konzen shot to his feet. "And you let them?"

"There was nothing I could do!"

"Damnit!" Konzen swirled and headed for the door-- and promptly found himself face to face with brilliant scarlet hair interwoven with psychedelic and scintillating jewels of every imaginable color (and many unimaginable ones.)

"Konzen-sama!" the creature screeched, and glomped him before he could scream and run in terror.

*

Elsewhere, Goku was having better luck. After the initial soul-searing terror had worn off, and after the initial drooling had stopped (on the creature’s part, that was, not his) they’d seemed content to feed him. He’d discovered that the wide-eyed, innocent look worked particularly well. A dozen of them had passed out when he gave it to them. The rest seemed particularly delighted, and would conjure up more meatbuns for him.

"Where’s Konzen?" he asked. "I need to see Konzen!"

One creature tittered. "He’ll be here soon." Her voice sounded like a crystal drops falling to the ground and shattering. If he listened hard enough, Goku could almost hear the shrieks of agony as passersby stepped on the shards. "Don’t worry, cutsie," she continued. "You’ll be reunited with your love soon." Another titter that made Goku clap his hands over his ears. The creature attempted to flutter her eyelashes at him, but they fell off.

"My love?" Goku yelped.

"Admit it," the creature sidled forward, and Goku found himself backtracking rapidly. "Konzen is the light of your life, your sun--" a dramatic sigh here "--the person you would die for. And in defiance of Heaven, both of you are secret lovers..." another dramatic sigh, one that rocked the walls "...the god and the heretic. Isn’t that just romantic?"

"Ha," another creature snorted. "Give me the smut." She bobbed forward, leering at Goku. Saliva dripped off fangs. "So who’s on top? And do you take off that limiter while you’re screwing him? Huh? Huh?"

Goku blanched in terror. He hardly understood the insane babblings of these creatures, yet what he understood was enough to make him want to flee back to earth and never come back. He thought quickly. "Look... I know where Konzen is. I can go and look for him!" he suggested.

The first creature seemed delighted. "Why of course! You would know where he is... you’re soul-bonded, after all! Why, that would save us so much trouble! We’ve been hunting up and down Heaven, but this place is so ... huge." A delicate sigh.

"Aw shit, cut the crap," the other creature said. "But hell yeah, that’s a good idea. Run ape. Go look for your fuck buddy."

My what?!! Goku thought, but scrambled to his head and headed for the door. The two creatures followed.

*

To be continued.

Back to index

Chapter 4: Interlude from the Past 2

Imagine this: There is a room, and that room has a table (two, actually, but you can’t see the one on the left under the pile of books, CDs, dictionaries, music scores, and other junk). On that table is a computer (two, actually, but the one on the left is a laptop, and currently deactivated. The one on the right never goes below a Suspend to RAM). Before the computer is a chair (two, actually, except that you won’t see the one on the left unless your sense of time isn’t linear). Upon that chair is seated a translator, hard at work. (Yes, there is only one translator, unless you count the bipolar personalities.)

And while that translator is hard at work, a great black holes opens up in the rest of the room, swallowing socks, bits, and a certain blue plastic spoon (whose loss caused the translator great distress, and led to frequent bouts of babbling: "There is no spoon!" But that’s another story.) And the lightnings crackle in this great rift, and then...

...the Legions of Terror explode out of it in a blast of multicolored hair and excessive makeup!!!!!

...Sorry about the exclamation marks.
...Yes, I actually did mean lightnings.

The translator meeps in terror, grabs a bokken, another bokken still in its plastic wrapper, a wooden ninja sword, and a shinai, and dives under the table. ...The table on the right, that is. And the Legions advance, growling and flexing nails.

Then the Chorus of the Damned starts up:

"How dare you open Pandora’s Box?!!!"
"How could you write about our exploits to the world?!!!"
"We are the darkness that lives in every writer’s heart, and we do not take kindly to--"
"--Your misrepresentations! (1)"
"You will cease and desist immediately!"

1: One may conclude that some of the more intelligent Fangurls have discovered the pile of law books.

The translator meeps again and starts babbling for dear life. Words are the only defence against such creatures, after all.

The Fangurls pause. Hasty discourse occurs.

"That’s true. No one really knows why We write about Us the Way We Do."
"Stop it with the stupid capitals already!"
"Stop it with the stupid bitch attitude already!"
"Stop it with the--"
"Ladies."

(The translator coughs and thinks that the last sentence is stretching things about. But there’s no accounting for the beliefs of some people.)

"Ladies, we are the alpha and the omega--"
"--the what?"
"--the seme and the uke."
"Oh, why didn’t you just say so?"
"--And we are beyond mortal comprehension. For each of us is unique. We scorn the uncouth label of Mary Sue, for how could something so common refer to us? Nevertheless, the good readers--"
"--and the flamers!"
"--death to all flamers!"
"--flamers suck!"
"--even when they have something intelligent to say! Um, I mean... all flamers should die!"

"--AHEM. The good readers are labouring under the delusion that all Original Female Characters are Mary Sues. Obviously, that is not the case."
"Original Female Characters! That’s Us!"
"We’re Original!"
"We’re the One And Only!"

"So therein and therefore, we must do our Utmost to correct that impression. And what better way to advance our mighty cause than to have our exploits chronicled and posted to that great altar that is Fanfiction.net for all the world to see?"

While half the Legion is still processing this multiple-word-sentence-without-any-commas-or-phrasing, mutters have started in the background.

"--some of us don’t write about OFCs!"
"Yeah! Stupid OFCs!"
"Death to all OFCS!"

"Yaoiyaoiyaoiyaoiyaoiyaoiyaoi"

"So! I propose that we allow this pathetic mortal translator to finish this work, that the world may see and understand, and be enlightened--"

"Yaoiyaoiyaoiyaoiyaoi"

"--that we are no mere female characters, no mere Mary Sues!"

"YaoiyaoiyaoiYAOIYAOI"

"We are Fangurls, and the world shall cower before our might!"

"YAOI!"

The lead Fangurl pauses, fires blazing in her eyes (1).

1 - OW.

"What was that?!" she demands. "That foul word shalt not be voiceth inneth my presenceth! It is an Abomination Unto Fandomship!"

Angry murmurs start, and the Legions are suddenly divided into two camps, both glaring furiously at each other. The YAOI camp seems to be larger.

The translator, meanwhile, has not been idle. It is an admittedly underhanded method, but nevertheless, negotiations exist to be made, histories exist to be rewritten, and large groups exist to be undermined by internal rebellion.

"Wait a minute!" a group in the YAOI camp suddenly yells.

Both sides stop screaming threats and pause.

"Why should you Hakkai x Gojyo x Hakkai x Kenren x Tenpou x Kenren Fangurls get all the attention?!! What about Konzen and Kenren and Gojyo and Sanzo--"
"--what, all at the same time?"
"--Sugoi! I wanna write that!"
"--Hey, that was my idea, you rip-off!"
"Yeah? Not if I finish it first!"
"No way you’re going to finish it first! I write 10,000 words a day!"
"And I write 20,000!"
"Hah, we’ll see about that!"

There is a sudden scurry and several Fangurls break off from the crowd and dash towards the blackhole hovering in the background. They disappear, and there is the sound of frantic typing and Microsoft Word’s Spellchecker making distressed noises.

The translator, meanwhile, has sidled to another camp and whispered conversation has occurred.

"383!" the cry goes up, and a somewhat smaller but equally determined group splits off from the main YAOI camp.

"That’s STUPID!" the rest of the YAOI camp yells back.

"Yeah? Prove it!"

"GOKU x HAKKAI!" one lone Fangurl screams. Everyone stares at her in disgust.

"EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW," the rest of the Fangurls chorus.

In the meantime, the very large and very violent Kenren x Konzen x Kenren x Sanzo x Gojyo x Sanzo (or was it Kenren x Konzen x Kenren x Gojyo x Sanzo x Gojyo?) camp has grabbed the translator. More frantic negotiation occurs. Threats of mortal harm are made. Promises are exchanged. Then the entire camp makes a break for the blackhole, dragging the protesting translator along. As the room dissolves into utter chaos, this determined group plunges out of it, and the scene fades to black.

(And that is the translator’s explanation for the next part).

Several of the Fangurls were bickering. Konzen opened a cautious eye. He ignored Tenpou, who was staring wide eyed at the ceiling, occasionally emitting sounds of extreme distress. The Marshall was most definitely out of it. His brain had dissolved in the face of presence of all the Negative Intelligence. (Like the Minus Wave, only worse.) Sometimes, it didn’t pay to be the smartest one...

The Fangurls were no where in sight, which could only be a good thing. Taking care not to make any noise, Konzen inched towards the edge of the bed.

He realized too late that the Fangurls were no where in sight because they were all behind him.

--

Goku sped down the corridor, his heart pounding in terror. He couldn’t lead to them to Konzen. Couldn’t. They’d kill Konzen... no, they’d do unspeakable things to Konzen... no, they’d do unspeakable things to him and Konzen...

He took a random right turn in the corridor, and kept running.

--

"Him...!?!? Him....!?!?!!" Konzen spluttered, anger completely drowning out any sense of fear or self preservation. "You want me and him to... to...."

Kenren had backed up against the far wall, and was searching desperately for a sword (at least, a sword other than the one the Fangurls wanted him to use.) "No, look, Tenpou would kill me," he protested.

"I doubt that Tenpou Gensui is in any position to do so," one of the Fangurls sniggered.

"And we can keep him happily occupied," another one said.

"Besides," the third one said, "This is your chance to be seme."

Kenren drew himself up. "Do you think I’m a slut?" he hissed.

"But of course!" Another Fangurl waved airily. "Not as big a slut as Konzen, but--"

"--look here," Konzen snarled. "I haven’t--"

"Oh yes, yes, you’ve been celibate for ten thousand years... don’t you think it’s time for you to get some?"

"Or," a Fangurl leaned forward, a predatory grin plastered across her face, "Would you rather get it on with Litouten?"

Konzen’s brain unhelpfully supplied several mental images. As he gaped in wide eyed shock at the assembly, a Fangurl grabbed him from behind and poured a cup of... something down his throat. Across the room, several Fangurls had pinned Kenren down, and were shoving the whole teapot down him.

By some miracle of Anime Physics, neither of them choked and drowned.

The Fangurls sat back, drooling happily, and waited.

--

Goku had passed beyond terror into the great white blankness beyond. Stray Fangurls haunting the corridors had spotted him and were currently in hot pursuit. Various mangled cries of "Kawaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii", "Ky00000000t" and other unidentifiable rubbish caught up with him. Goku sobbed, the overwhelming exposure to excessive Hormones, Fangurlism and Emotion driving him to the tears that any respectable 10 year old male would rather die than shed.

He’d lost a few of them at the last cross corridor. They’d stopped abruptly and began howling out something along the lines of :

He couldn’t understand a word of it. It wasn’t 2 a.m., it wasn’t raining, and it wasn’t even a road... Obviously, these creatures were stark, raving crazy.

One Fangurl reached out, and Goku felt her nails rack across his back before he doubled his pace. A soft whimper escaped him. He was lost, utterly and completely, and he couldn’t remember what he’d been looking for, and where was Nataku so that he could bonk--

--the unusual stray thought made him gag. Stumbling blindly, he slammed into the doors ahead of him, and tumbled into the room beyond. The pursuing Fangurls screamed in triumph as they leapt.

"What the *beepity beepity bong* is THIS?!!" a furious, alto, feminine voice rang out.

All present screeched to a halt.

Goku picked himself off the floor, as the Fangurls hastily conferred behind his back.

"Who is she? I haven’t seen her around!"
"Is she one of us?"
"Of course not! I mean, just look at her! She’s nowhere as pretty as I am."

Goku yelped as a solid wall of Fangurl Hair smacked him across the face. And again. He leapt backwards as the Fangurl tossed her head once again. No, he really didn’t understand these creatures and their weird motions at all. Why, one of them was currently engaging in a really odd dance that seemed to involve rotating her knees and moving her stomach back and forth while shrugging her shoulders--

--someone grabbed him by the back of his shirt and hoisted him into the air. He found himself face to face with one very irate Kanzeon Bosatsu.

"Where... did these creatures come from this time?" Se growled. Spinning, she deposited Goku on top of the heap of squabbling Fangurls, causing several to get squashed to the ground. One broke a nail, and dissolved into gray dust while wailing in agony.

"I don’t know?" Goku said, eying the Fangurls nervously. They all seemed to have turned their attention on Kanzeon, but one could never be certain...

"Who are you?!!" the self-appointed Lead Fangurl (The Equal and Opposite of Seiten Taisei Son Goku, sent to Togenkyou to save the world from his destructive tendencies and to turn him around and make him a Good Guy in the process) screamed.

Kanzeon ignored her. Se seemed to be rambling on along some well worn gripe-trail. "I mean, first that Litouten pays a visit to that Earth place, and gets too many ideas from Terminator and I, Robot... and decides to build his own little killing machine. Except that that incompetent fool can’t even get that right, and forgets to close the portal behind him, allowing a whole swarm of these ... things in. Then just as we finish clearing them out, that stupid boy Homura experiments with his world-creating-device and lets another bunch through! Guess why they’re here! Guess who gets saddled with the clean up! By all that is unholy, I am SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!"

Kanzeon whirled around in a jangle of bangles. "So which one are you after? Konzen? Or Tenpou? Or are you the Kenren diggers?"

"GOKU-CHAN!" the Fangurls squee-ed, and promptly leapt on the object of affection. There was a terrified squeak as Goku disappeared beneath flailing arms, legs, and skirts. There was momentary chaos.

Abruptly, a thunderbolt cleaved the air and shattered upon the ground inches away from Goku’s nose. The nearest Fangurls leapt back, batting at the flames that had sprung up in their hair. Two, evidently having used too much inflamable gel / hairspray, screeched in terror and disappeared in puffs of smoke.

The Lead Fangurl turned furious eyes on Kanzeon. "Just who are you to come between Goku-chan and me? What’s your screen name, huh? What fics have you written? How many reviews do they have? My bestest fic, ‘Rain’, has 58 chapters and 605 reviews! Beat that!"

"Yeah!" Another Fangurl piped up. "You have to stand in line! I bet you can’t beat my ‘Goku runs away’ fic with 440 reviews!"

"And 200 of them are flames," a third Fangurl scoffed. "Now, I have 66 fics, and ‘Golden Eye’ itself has 15 real reviews!"

"Enough!" Kanzeon scowled. Thunder crashed, and several Fangurls hid under the tables. "I don’t need to compete with you pathetic creatures, with your petty little squabbles. I am Kanzeon Bosatsu, Goddess of the Western Ocean, and the Official Fangurl in Saiyuki. And unlike you creatures, I belong here, and I don’t share." She drew herself up, and several of the less confident Fangurls crept away in a sudden pang of inferiority (that combined with their hormones to become suicidal depression, and they all wrote death fics before proceeding to kill themselves off.)

Kanzeon closed her eyes for a moment, and the walls of the Heavenly Palace dissolved. There was a moment of blind panic as Kenren was caught on top of Konzen and both dived for cover under the bed (never a good thing in that position). Then there was another long moment as Kanzeon knocked Tenpou back to his senses (using the 56th form: Bosatsu’s Bitch-Slap) whereupon he took to his heels and had to be dragged back screaming. Then Goku, who had spotted the Heavenly Kitchens, had to be extricated from the pile of manjuu and brought back.

Finally, all were settled in front of Kanzeon -- Tenpou and Goku tied to a pillar to stop them from running off, Konzen and Kenren huddling as far away as possible from each other, clutching bedsheets, and the remaining Fangurls arrayed in a half circle beyond them.

No one, absolutely no one, looked happy at this turn of affairs.

"Just what is happening?" the Supreme Lead Fangurl demanded. "We were just having the best show of our lives when--"

"--silence, you little bitch," Kanzeon snarled. A handful of the younger Fangurls disappeared in clouds of gray smoke at the sound of this terrible obscenity. The Supreme Lead Fangurl, however, did not back down. She hadn’t gotten where she was by being nice. Instead, she lunged at Kanzeon, nails outstretched, eyes blazing, ready for the kill--

--Kanzeon shoved a poster of Tenpou and Konzen in bed together in front of her nose.

The Fangurl howled in unspeakable agony, before exploding.

The rest of the Fangurls cowered. (Except for a few that spontaneously combusted along with the Supreme Fangurl, and the TenpouxKonzen Fangurls, who were very happy indeed...)

"All of you will return to your own world this instant, and cease plaguing Heaven with your nonsense," Kanzeon spoke into the silence. "All of you will be inflicted with flamers and writer’s block should you even think of entering Heaven once more, and that’s before I get to you with the Flaming Clue Hammer of DOOM."

"But......." the Fangurls wailed. "What about our Konzen-chan and Tenpou-chan and Kenren-chan and Goku-chan?!! Will we be parted from them forever? Oh woe is Mes!" (To a Fangurl, there is no ‘Us’. Only ‘Me’.)

There was a breathless moment of absolute silence.

Then Kanzeon exploded. Figuratively. "This is it. This is the end of all this nonsense! You four!" she pointed at the only males in the room. "This is the fourth time this week that you’ve brought the fangurls down on us. There isn’t a moment of peace around here. I was just getting comfortable with Ji-- I mean, I was just getting comfortable, and you four had to bloody ruin it! I am fed to the teeth with you! From this point onwards, you will all be banished and reincarnated in Togenkyou!"

There was an absolute moment of breathless silence.

Then there was the jangle of a lot of people running in the same direction at the same time. Kanzeon looked up in supreme annoyance as Goujun, at the head of the Western Army, burst in on the scene.

"Bosatsu-sama, I apologize most profusely--"

Kanzeon cut him off with an imperious wave of Hir hand. "You are late. Again. Where were you this time?!"

"I was delayed by a Horde..."

Kanzeon glared. The ambient temperature of the room dropped by several notches. "So you’re responsible for this influx as well."

Right on cue, another gaggle of Fangurls burst in behind Goujun, squealing in delight. The dragon king twitched visibly and drew his sword.

...His real sword, you perverts.

"Damnit, Goujun!" Kanzeon yelled, as the Fangurls went all sparkly eyed at the sight of the dragon in all his warrior’s finery. "You’re not supposed to encourage them! Why can’t you sit in your little ocean and drink tea like your brothers?"

"But Bosatsu-sama, I enjoy travelling--"

"--FINE! You can travel down to Togenkyou with this bunch of morons and stay there! Then just maybe, I’ll have some peace and quiet at last!"

Kanzeon clapped her hands. The world flew apart in a shower of sparkles.

The rest, as they say, is History.

--

Elsewhere, a group of Fangurls had converged upon a demi god with very bad dress sense. (Both the Fangurls and the demigod had bad dress sense, that is.)

"Hey Homura!"

"Yo, d00d! Wassup?!?!!?!"

"Hooooomuraaaaaaaa-saaaaaammmaaaaaaa!"

Homura casually decapitated one Fangurl with his Massive Flaming Sword, but it didn’t seem to slow her down in the least.

"Homura! How would you like to get it on with Konzen?"

Homura gave the Fangurl an puzzled frown. "Konzen?"

"Yeah, Konzen! Mr Ice Cold Snarly Uke Blond..."

"I know Konzen Douji, and I have no intention of ... getting it on with him." Homura shrugged, and returned to staring at out the world below.

"Why not?!" the Fangurls demanded.

One jet black eyebrow rose in a supreme expression of ‘Why-do-you-mortals-always-make-me-state-the-obvious?’. "Shien and Zenon would kill me," he said, and smiled.

End - Interlude from the Past

++

The translator meeps:
I’m going to get killed for this, right?

The translator meeps #2:
If any of you actually take this seriously, I will just kill myself.

The translator meeps #3:
While I think the world is overpopulated, please don’t die waiting for my updates ;_;.

The-cheap-way-of-increasing-word-count OR:
Answering reviews:

To people in general: Many thanks for your encouragement with this most ridiculous work. As I’ve long since discovered, Saiyuki is OOC when you take it seriously, so this is actually in character. *long pause* *vigorous nodding*. Please buy good chairs and secure straps to minimize risk of falling off them. Might I recommend the ones with leather straps that Gojyo seems to favor? The next chapter, may-it-be-quick-in-arriving, will return to the present, although what form it takes has yet to be decided.

And... because there are Fangurls hovering behind me with sharp, pointy objects, I would like to remind everyone that there are no Mary Sues! There are only Original Female Characters. And Goku x Kenren is a good pairing. Really. *gulps*

Finally, Kanzeon has sent me a note to insist that Divine Intervention is not deus-ex-machina when it involves Kanzeon Bosatsu. Not in the slightest. It doesn’t even fall under the heading of ‘clichéd’.

*hands Olivia Y a bottle of calcium pills* You might need these in future when your knees wear out, since I’m a terribly slow writer ^_^. Kanzeon keeps flinging writer’s blocks at me, I’m sorry.

Lavender: What’s your dowry like? I’ll settle for half the world and several billion dollars. ^_~

Me-Nuriko : Fangurls raping Goku? Oh, perish the thought! *eyes hovering Fangurls nervously*

Zek Majiri : Mmmmmm. Skittles! Ramen! Could you get me M&Ms next time? =D

Anthey Oom : Avoiding this fic is probably a good thing, because once you catch the insanity, you can’t get rid of it. ^^

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