Index
Chapter 1: Spices
Chapter 2: Scars
Chapter 3: Silence
Chapter 4: Self
These are not-quite-drabbles at 250 words each.
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Spices
Of late, you have begun adding rosemary to nearly everything you cook.
It has been a long time since you begun this journey and over that time you have forgotten things. Small things, like how to dust properly (when you stay at a different inn every day, there is no need for cleaning) or where to go for the lowest prices in the market (with Sanzo's card and Sanzo's admonitions to hurry there is neither need nor time for penny-pinching) or what kind of rice Gojyo likes best (you can cook only rarely and the rice here is different anyway). Large things, like what it feels like to sleep in without fear or how it is to stay in one place for more than a few days or what Gojyo's house looks like.
Just things.
The other day, you tried to remember the colour of her eyes and all that you could think of was red. The red of Gojyo's hair and the red of the setting sun and above all the red of blood - because many things may be red, but blood is as well and you have seen ever so much blood lately, spilt on your hands and splashed on your clothes and pooling in the footsteps you leave behind.
You are reasonably certain her eyes were not red.
So you have started adding rosemary to your cooking. Because rosemary is for remembrance, and although it is not much it is the only thing you can do.
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Scars
When you were young, you were hurt often and had to heal on your own with nothing but a bandage and courage. Even when you were older, you left your wounds to heal on their own and wore your scars as a badge of pride.
Then you went on this journey.
You think you have forgotten how wounds are supposed to heal, how they scab and scar. You have been wounded so often on this journey and Hakkai has always healed you with a smile on his face and green light on his fingers, letting his chi flow into your wound until the only thing remaining is the blood you wipe away.
As always, Hakkai is far too good at what he does.
At night, when the others are sleeping, you sometimes count them, the smooth patches of skin where scars should be. This is where the last youkai's attack hit you and this is where Kami-sama's beads struck you and this is where Chin Iisou's seed pierced you, all unmarked skin and only your memory tells you they weren't always so.
You have stopped taking women to your bed, because although you have always flaunted your scars like all your other imperfections, the thought of them seeing those parts of skin that aren't scars fills you with a shame you cannot understand.
So instead you sit alone and count your not-scars and wonder how many more you will get until you receive a wound Hakkai can't heal.
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Silence
The journey has not affected you as it has the others because you have been on it ever since your name belonged to you. The miles travelled in a jeep akin to the miles travelled on foot, the endless procession of inns a reflection of the many temples before, the blood you spill no different whether your enemies are youkai or human and, in the end, the search is the same.
There are, of course, always differences and the journey changes the further you go west.
Lately the inns are small and poor and as the attacks come more often it is dangerous to be separated anyway, so you sleep two or four to a room.
Except once, recently, when the inn is opulent and the city is safer than usual and the idiots have been annoying you more than usual so you spend the money on single rooms for everyone-
And start awake in the middle of the night.
You have become too used to sharing a room, and with no rain beating against your window you can clearly hear the lack of Goku's snores or Gojyo's heavy breathing and even Hakkai's laughter would be preferable to the silence.
The journey is long and hard and arduous, but you are not on it alone and these kinds of hardships create a bond between those who endure them.
A bond. Friendship.
Attachment.
The gods you serve are cruel; the only gifts they give you are the ones you never wanted.
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Self
You do not much mind the journey; it is better than being in the cave or left behind at Chang'An. Here you are together with the others, and Hakkai sometimes cooks and you don't mind Gojyo's teasing that much and Sanzo can't leave you behind anymore. So even if it grows cramped in the back seat of Jeep with Gojyo annoying you or you run out of food again or Sanzo hits you with the fan again you are glad to be here, and if the youkai attacks keep coming more often, they are still weak enough that their deaths are on their heads. You have never been one to worry overmuch about these things and you do enjoy a good fight.
Besides, once in a while Kougaiji comes by and then you are glad for the practice.
You fight and grow stronger and you kill your enemies and you could say their blood soaks back into the earth that is your mother except that you do not think that way. You have no need of mother or father, no need of parents or family, no need of someone to confirm your past - which is lost - or guide your future - which is yours and no one else's. You do not want that kind of support.
It is a simple truth, maybe too simple for the others to see:
On the road west or in the temple at Chang'An or in the prison on the mountaintop, you are, always, only yourself.
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